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Gotham S01 E22 – 0% sense

Previously: Gordon found and shot the Ogre, but not before he killed Barbara’s parents.
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All Happy Families are Alike

Marines: WE MADE IT. Dear God we made it.

 

Alex:

Mari: More feelings soon, recap first: we start with Selina actually outside, without a home, probably because it will be plot convenient shortly. She’s warming her hands by a trash can fire when she spots across the Gotham river (sea? lake? IDK.) Fish standing at the front of a boat. IDK how the boat got involved after the helicopter, but OKAY. She looks like the Reaper because she’s coming to bring death! But no worries for us because it’s probably only to her one season long contract. #nonspoileryspoilers

When she reaches land, she greets Selina with a “good morning child.” Selina protests on the grounds of not being being a child and it not being morning. But it’s okay because super badass people like Fish who escape organ farming islands get to say good morning whenever they way because it will eventually be morning.

 

Alex: Everything that just happened made 0% sense.

Mari: Starting on a strong note.

Wayne Manor. Baby Batman sees a picture of his father and smashes it to uncover any secrets that may be hidden underneath. It would’ve been great if there was a generic picture frame picture under there that made Baby Batman super suspicious.

WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?
WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?

Alex: A+

Mari: Alfred comes in to ask if Baby Batman is still looking for secrets or maybe just destroying things. It’s a little bit of both because believe it or not, you can open a picture frame and look for secrets without slamming it on a desk.

Alfred tries to say that Papa Wayne definitely did not have a secret life, but Baby Batman is remembering how his father used to work with the door locked which is super suspect. Nothing Alfred says really dissuades BB from his secrets mission.

Factory somewhere. There may be a gang war going on but Falcone needs to visit some chickens. I’m serious. He’s telling a chicken that he likes her style when two dudes on a motorcycle drive up. One dude hops off and fires a rocket launcher. It looks like he’s aiming at the car and not Falcone. IDK.

Alex: Spoiler alert: pretty much everyone in this episode is extremely bad at murdering anyone else.

Mari: FINALGOTHAMLIGHTNINGOFSEASONONE.

GCPD. It’s chaotic as usual but I suppose we’re supposed to be like, “omg it’s more chaotic than normal!” The police are herding Falcone’s men into one cell and Maroni’s men into another. Gordon is watching the activity in the pit very disapprovingly. He stomps off somewhere and passes a cop who salutes him as he goes. He turns back, and tells Griffin Cats (??) not to salute him because after the gang war cools off, he’s so fired. Again. He’s mumbling real bad here but I think he says he’s a dead duck, brass is going to fire him and saluting makes Cats look like a ruby. Probably not that last one.

Gordon heads to Inara’s office. Barbara is there getting a check up? Is this really something that would happen? Isn’t she the ME now? IDK IDK IDK.  It’s a bit awkward as Barbara is trying to thank Gordon for saving her life, but Inara keeps interrupting to say that Barbara needs to get trauma counseling. It’s like Inara can see the crazy behind her eyes. And that’s quite a skill because this actress isn’t exactly the best at emoting. Barbara says she’ll take the counseling if it comes from Inara which what?? SURELY THIS SHOULD NOT BE HAPPENING. But it is. It is.

Back out in the pit, Harvey tells Gordon that Falcone was hit. He isn’t dead, but will be soon because the crooked people in charge have switched their support to Maroni. Gordon is surprised they think Maroni can run the city. Harvey leaves to take a call which leaves us with another long shot of Jim looking confused.

I briefly thought we were on Organ Farming Island, but apparently, this is just a slightly beat up Falcone tied to a tiny stretcher. Penguin and Butch come to see Falcone. Penguin is carrying flowers and Butch is carrying a gun. Falcone is relieved to see Penguin because he’s dumb; Penguin’s clearly here to deliver his Villain Gloating Speech. He does it while fondling a scalpel. He goes on FOR SO DAMN LONG that of course Gordon shows up before Penguin can kill Falcone. I hate this show.

Alex: THIS WAS THE STUPIDEST THING EVER. I know I should have given up ranting about this show at this point, but seriously. It was like Gordon forgot his cue and Penguin had to keep talking and stalling until he showed up.

Mari: Penguin tells Gordon to walk away but he says they are under arrest for attempted murder.

After the credits, Gordon has Penguin and Butch handcuffed and he’s releasing Falcone. Penguin wonders if Gordon didn’t get the MARONI RULEZ FALCONE DROOLS memo. Gordon thinks that Gotham will fall apart without Falcone. He says he can regain control. All he needs is two days alone in his safe house. Seems legit.

Penguin is shouting because Maroni’s people are on their way and they aren’t very fond of Penguin either. Gordon steps out into the hall and finds it completely abandoned. He calls Harvey who ask WTF he’s doing there when he just said that Falcone was a dead man. We have the requisite, “come help me because I’m a Very Good Guy,”/”NO WAY. I’m a shady cop who values my life way too much to be a Very Good Guy” exchange between these two. I don’t know. I wasn’t paying closer attention than that.

A big mobster type shows up and asks what Gordon is doing there, since everyone should’ve gotten the FALCONE DROOLS memo. Gordon shrugs and the Hit Man laughs and turns away to, I don’t know, maybe go check the memo got sent to all. Gordon goes back inside and has enough time to tell Falcone he’s only springing him because he’s the least bad bad guy. Penguin then has enough time to plead for his life and call up that favor that’s owed him. Then, we have enough time to have a few shots of Jim Gordon looking pensive, which looks an awful lot like confused.

Gordon mentions again that he’s done in this town and I’M SO CONFUSED. I thought he was looking pretty heroic after the Ogre, plus he had one over on the Commissioner.

FINALLY, more mobster types show up, this time with Commissioner Loeb in front. Jim goes out into the hallway where Loeb tells him to scram so that the murder he knows nothing about can happen. Gordon growls at him A LOT, hoping to see him behind bars or dead soon. Loeb says hope is for losers and leaves Gordon to face like 5 hit men.

Gun fight. Gordon takes them all down because he’s rubber, you’re glue, every bullet that they shoot bounces off him and sticks to you.

Harvey shows up because there is a Good Guy seed blossoming at the bottom of his oily heart. He’s kind of upset that they have to take Penguin and Butch too, but there’s no time for arguing. They escape in an ambulance and get shot at a ton but the only reason Gotham is still a city and not a ruin is because everyone living there is a lousy shot.

Alex: If just one person in this damn city knew how to aim a gun then this would have been a very short episode.

Mari: Wayne Manor. Bruce is still taking apart the study.

Empty warehouse. Gordon drives in the ambulance. Falcone assures them that no one knows about this place, or at least anyone who did is dead. Selina walks in with a new hair-do and a big gun. She says “what’s up,” in a hilariously bad delivery kind of way. And then from the other end of the warehouse, Fish walks in with a new hairdo and stick on jewels on one side of her head? It’s a choice. Everyone is shocked but Gordon is blank faced. Or maybe this is shocked. You never know.

Totally Inadvisable Counseling Session. Barbara says that her life feels like a dream. She’s going to wake up and Milo will still be alive and coming for her.

Fish and Butch have a reunion. It’s interrupted by a phone call from Maroni. Fish tells him they need to talk because she has something he wants. All of the boys are strung up, though Falcone still has a knife in his sock. Gordon makes faces at Selina but she doesn’t want to blow “the coolest gig ever.” I just… I hate this show.

Fish comes over to waggle her finger a lot and say they are going to die, except for maybe Harvey. At the end of all her, “you’re gonna die! And you’re gonna die!” she asks if anyone has questions. Selina asks, “how are you gonna kill him?” which Fish just loves. She hugs Selina a bit, Selina nuzzles against her. Like a cat.

BOOM. I’M DONE. And with that, I hand things over to Alex to take us through the final stretch.

Alex: LET’S DO THIS.

Back at the Clocktower apartment, Barbara is saying some disturbing stuff about how scary guys are just super hawt. She casually asks Inara if Jim ever hits her ‘out of passion’, since they’re dating now. I hate everything.  (M: That didn’t take long.)

Inara gets awkward because she didn’t realise that Barbara knew she and Jim were dating. I’m not sure if that makes this whole counselling thing better or worse. Think I’m going to go with ‘worse’. Anyway, Barbara smiles and says it’s all totally fine, and goes to the kitchen to make snacks.

Warehouse. Maroni arrives and thanks Fish for catching all these dudes for him. He tells Falcone that he’s hard to kill. Falcone replies that Maroni’s men just suck at killing people. Too true, Falcone.  Guys, he’s RIGHT THERE. He’s tied up and wounded. You all have gigantic machine guns. Killing him should NOT BE THIS DIFFICULT.

Anyway. Penguin starts up yet another of his bullshit speeches, appealing to Fish to keep Falcone alive for her own sake. He tells her that Maroni doesn’t need another boss in town, and will kill her as soon as he doesn’t need her. Maroni must have had an extra helping of stupid with his cornflakes this morning, because he starts laughing and saying a bunch of insulting stuff about how Fish is beneath him and he doesn’t have to worry about her. He finishes up by telling her to relax and calling her ‘babes’ a bunch of times.

Mari: I just scrolled up so I could copy and paste one of your early comments:  Everything that just happened made 0% sense.

Alex: Fish isn’t cool with being called ‘babes’, but for reasons best known to himself Maroni decides it’s a good idea to keep winding her up and talking about how unimportant she is. THIS WHOLE EXCHANGE IS THE STUPIDEST. It gets even stupider when Maroni gives a great big speech about how awesome it will be when Falcone is finally dead. I don’t like guns and I don’t particularly want Falcone dead, but if one of these mobsters could just hand me their gun through the TV then I will shoot him myself at this point. Seriously.

Maroni finishes this speech by being all ‘lol, feminism’ and calling Fish ‘babes’ one last time. She’s had enough of this shit. She shoots him right the forehead AND THEN HE DIES!

We got some flack in the comments last week about rooting for the deaths of certain characters, but I am 100% not sorry for celebrating this one. Not only is Maroni probably the worst character on this show (maybe even edging out Barbara for the top spot), it’s also been weirdly frustrating to see all these characters carry around giant guns and repeatedly talk about how they’re going to kill each other and yet continually fail to do so. I’m not sure what it says about me that someone finally getting shot in the head feels like such a relief, but there it is.

Chaos breaks out in the warehouse and Bullock takes the opportunity to untie Falcone, Gordon and Penguin. I have no idea how he got himself loose in the first place but I’m certainly not rewinding to check.

Clocktower Apartment. Inara and Barbara are sitting down to enjoy some really delicious-looking cake. Barbara is still more interested in getting the juicy details about her ex’s new relationship than talking about her own problems. Inara once again presses her for details about The Ogre, and the music suddenly gets all dramatic.

Gordon, Bullock and Falcone escape to an alleyway outside the warehouse, and duck down behind a truck. Gordon is now firmly on Team Falcone, convinced that the city will fall apart without him in charge. Or… maybe you could try living in a city not run by mafia bosses at all, Jim? Just a suggestion. Falcone’s all ‘fuck that shit’ and says he’s going to retire and live in the countryside instead. Because they decided to have this conversation right now, behind a truck, instead of just running the hell away, a bunch of Fish’s people eventually come out of the warehouse with big guns. Bullock declares it’s time for Plan B. What the hell was plan A? Hang around behind a truck forever?

The guys hide themselves inside what I think is a shipping container. I mean, I say ‘hide’ but they actually slip inside and then just stand there, carrying on this lovely little chat about Falcone’s holiday home. Bullock suggests that maybe he and Gordon can go too. It’s all very nice, but sadly it turns out that standing right there behind the door and talking loudly makes it super easy for people to find your hiding place.

Selina and her friends quickly show up and bring them back to Fish. Well, that was all incredibly pointless.

Mari: AND STUPID. THEY WERE JUST STANDING THERE TALKING.

Alex: Bullock and Falcone both congratulate Fish on killing Maroni and probably becoming the new Queen of Gotham. Falcone tells her about his retirement plans, but she has other ideas. I don’t know what those other ideas are though, because her men just start randomly shooting everywhere. Nobody actually seems to be aiming at Falcone, even though he’s once again just standing RIGHT THERE. Like, one metre away.

Penguin gets hold of a couple of guns and joins in with the shooting fun, while still-alive Falcone, Bullock and Gordon all find stuff to hide behind. Penguin kills a random guy and then chases Fish up onto the roof. Bullock and Gordon take the opportunity to jump in a car with their new BFF Falcone and drive away.

Clocktower Apartment. Barbara is finally talking Inara through everything that happened. She explains that Milo took her to her parents’ house, tied them up and told Barbara to talk to them about some pretty serious childhood trauma. She sighs and says that her parents never really understood her… not even when she was killing them. GASP. Apparently she stabbed them a bunch of times and then slit their throats.

Barbara’s hand moves towards the gigantic knife in front of her. Inara should perhaps have guessed something was up when Barbara brought that to the table. That knife is excessively large for cutting cake with. (M: But Grandma, what a big knife you have!)  Inara reacts quickly and makes a run for it, but Barbara starts chasing her around the apartment.

 
 
Gosh. This is almost making it seem like going alone to the home of the severely traumatised woman whose ex-boyfriend you’re dating to offer counselling that you’re not qualified to give was… a bad idea? (M: PLOT TWIST.)

Inara locks herself in the bathroom and tries to phone for help, while Barbara breaks down the door. Quick-thinking Inara smashes the mirror and fashions a makeshift weapon out of one of the shards, just as Barbara manages to break through. They grapple all over the apartment for a while. It should be really scary and horrifying, but Barbara’s making these ridiculous growling noises like an angry puppy. It’s kind of hilarious. Eventually Inara overpowers Barbara and punches her IN THE FACE a whole bunch of times.

The three amigos arrive at the apartment for reasons that aren’t really clear to me, just as Barbara passes out. Gordon rushes over to help while Bullock just shrugs and jokes with Falcone because this attempted murder is NBD. Women, amirite? (M: It’s the vaginas! They make us crazy.)

Rooftop. Penguin is skulking around with a gun when he’s ambushed by Fish, who beats him with a pipe a few times. There’s some more fighting, and I guess Fish and Barbara have the same acting coach because she’s also making angry-puppy noises. Penguin and Fish reach a kind of stalemate where they have their hands around each other’s throats, but then Butch shows up with a gun. They both order Butch to shoot the other, which messes with his Zsasz-programming. He gets super confused and ends up shooting them both. Don’t feel bad, Butch. I’d have done the same.

Butch rushes to Fish’s side and apologises over and over. She tells him it’s cool and that she’ll be fine, but Penguin appears and smacks Butch in the head with something heavy. Fish is standing conveniently close to the edge of the roof, and doesn’t think to move even when Penguin says ‘goodbye, Fish’, giving her a ton of warning. He charges at her and shoves her over the edge as Butch looks on in horror. She falls and screams until she lands in the water, presumably dead. However, there will be no celebratory Chris Pratt gifs this time, since we didn’t actually see a body. I know her contract is up, but I watch too much TV to be fooled by that. (M: Yep. If Jada gets bored in the future, here comes Fish!)

Penguin climbs up onto the ledge and yells ‘I’m the King of Gotham!’ a bunch of times. Butch should really give him a good shove, but of course he doesn’t.

GCPD. Kristen comes to Nygma with the break-up note that her boyfriend supposedly left for her. She’s a smart cookie and has noticed that Nygma’s name is mysteriously hidden in the note. He tries to brush it off as a coincidence, but does a terrible job. She leaves looking thoroughly unconvinced and giving him the most suspicious side-eye possible.

I don’t really know how to recap what happens next, but Nygma has an episode where he starts talking to himself while the camera jumps around and flashes a lot. There are voiceovers from various characters talking about Ed’s riddles, and some creepy discordant strings in the background. He beats himself up for leaving a clue, before cackling manically to himself. I think we have a couple of commenters dying to talk about this scene, so I apologise for my terrible recapping of it.

Clocktower Apartment. We don’t get to find out what happened with Inara or Barbara, but apparently neither of them needs Gordon’s attention right now because he’s just chilling on the balcony with Falcone. Falcone says that the city needs a strong law man, and pulls out the knife he had in his sock earlier. It was a present from Jim’s father, who told him that ‘a knife is a good friend when you have no other’. Gordon is surprised to hear that his dad and Falcone were such BFFs. Falcone says the point is that Daddy Gordon was the most honest man he ever met, but he still carried a knife. (M: …only liars carry knives.)

Wayne Manor. Bruce has turned his dad’s study upside down but still hasn’t found anything. Alfred tries to get him to call it a day and starts to say ‘there are none so blind…’. This makes Bruce spring up out of his seat and run to the desk. He remembers Lucius’s ‘stoic’ clue and figures that it has something to do with Marcus Aurelius. He pulls out a book and finds a remote control hidden inside.

He presses the button and some Prokofiev starts playing from the stereo. Bruce looks disappointed for a second, but then the fireplace starts to slide backwards. Bruce and Alfred peer down the long stone staircase hidden behind it, and there the season ends.

THE SEASON ENDS, YOU GUYS!!!

I guess we’ll have to tune in next season to find out what’s down those stairs!

LOLOL just kidding. I don’t care. WE DID IT. MARI, WE DID IT.

Mari: I REALLY DIDN’T THINK WE WOULD MAKE IT.

And honestly, of all the stupid ways they could’ve ended the season, finding the Bat Cave is actually not that stupid. I mean, Bruce peering down into the cave was definitely the most entertaining second of the episode.

Anyway, we’ll have proper season-long thoughts for you all on our season 1 wrap-up post, plus the official announcement of what we plan on doing for season 2. In the meanwhile, a super special thank you to everyone who stuck this out and watched with us. I mean, we even had a Snark Lady quit, so that you guys would stick with it is just so amazing and A+. If any of you are in the Shame Corner for suggesting we recap Angel, you can leave now! This is redemption.

Here’s the last round of #gothamsnark Tweets:

 

Celebrate, friends! WE DID IT!

 

Next time: We wrap this shit-show up!

Marines (all posts)

I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.





Alex (all posts)

I'm a thirty-year-old postgrad living in Scotland. When I'm not writing (which, between my degree and Snark Squad, is almost never) I watch entirely too much TV, and live in constant fear of the day that I run out of things to watch.





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Marines

I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.