Game of Thrones S05 E04 – Bring back Gendry.

Previously: Tommen and Margaery got married and Sansa is now promised to Ramsay. One of these things is way worse than the others.
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Sons of the Harpy

Democracy Diva: The previouslies take us all the way back to Season 1, with King Robert asking Ned why he had to bury his sister/Robert’s betrothed Lyanna in Winterfell and placing a feather in Lyanna’s statue’s hands. We see Littlefinger telling Sansa about her worst marriage prospect yet (M: We remember this part, show.) (S: But would it really be Game of Thrones without a little twisting of the knife?), the Margaery vs. Cersei battle for Tommen’s affections, Loras being gay and beautiful (M: We remember this part for sure.), Cersei teaming up with the High Sparrow, Ellaria Sand trying to convince the Dornish Prince Doran to avenge his brother Oberyn, the Sons of the Harpy murdering everyone in Meereen, and oh yeah, Ser Jorah kidnapped Tyrion and is taking him to “the queen.” Ah, but which queen?

Lying Liar Credits: King’s Landing, Flayed But Not On Fire Winterfell, The Wall, Braavos, Meereen, and feminist!Dorne.

We see someone in a boat, and I really hope it’s Gendry (M: lol, who?) (S: AW, GENDRY! I forgot about beautiful Gendry. I miss him.) but nope, just some random dude that Ser Jorah punches in the face and tosses some coins at, before stealing his boat. Jorah throws a gagged and bound Tyrion onto the boat.

Elsewhere, we see another Lannister brother on a boat, as Jaime wonders where in the world they are. The ship’s captain tells him he’s looking at Tarth, the Sapphire Isle, and Jaime gets a nostalgic look on his face as he remembers that Brienne of Tarth is the absolute greatest. Except I totally thought the captain said Qarth, where Dany was a million seasons ago, so I was very confused about what crazy-ass route they were taking to Dorne, and also how Qarth had suddenly become an island.

Marines: If he had said Qarth, then mentioning Gendry would’ve been timely. Passing by Qarth to get to Dorne seems like the kind of sail plan that would get you missing for whole seasons.

Diva: Truth.

Below deck, Bronn explains the danger of this mission; namely, that the Dornish just want to “fight and fuck, fuck and fight.” He warns that it’s going to be rough for them once they kidnap the princess.

Bronn’s “your niece?”  is delivered perfectly, but the question just hangs there and they move on. Bronn reminds Jaime that he’s extremely recognizable and also one-handed, but Jaime insists that it has to be him who rescues Myrcella, and they can’t bring an army or they’ll start a war. Bronn realizes Jaime’s doing this to make up for the fact that he set Tyrion free. But Jaime blames that on Varys, and vows to kill Tyrion for murdering their father.

Back in King’s Landing, the Small Council informs us that the Iron Bank of Braavos has called in 10% of the crown’s debts. Mace Tyrell informs Cersei that they can afford half of what the Bank is asking for at most, since WINTER IS COMING and all that. He offers to have the Tyrells front the money, but Cersei insists the Tyrells have given them too much already, and Mace must go renegotiate their loan in person. Cersei flatters Mace, saying they must send someone powerful and important to deal with the bankers, and she sends Ser Meryn of the Kingsguard to “protect” him. Ser Meryn, who’s still on Arya’s kill list, heading off to Braavos, where Arya is currently at Hogwarts for Assassins? Curiouser and curiouser.

Mari: Me watching this whole scene was a series of ‘oh man. OH MAN. OH MAN!!s,’ from realizing how Cersei is clearly trying to off another Tyrell to realizing Ser Meryn is headed to the one place I ever want Ser Meryn to be. 

Sweeney: I DID NOT EVEN REGISTER THAT SER MERYN WAS GOING TO WHERE ARYA IS. THIS IS EXCELLENT.

Diva: We are SO ROOTING FOR THIS MURDER. #sorrynotsorry

Cersei sends them packing immediately, but it’s clear she wishes she could get rid of the whole Council that easily.

Next on Cersei’s schedule is a meeting with the High Sparrow. When he refuses wine, she pushes aside her own glass with the most hilarious/terrifying smile of all time:

Anyway, High Sparrow is all, my body is a temple, and also booze tastes yucky. (M: Lies.) (S: Blasphemy too!) Cersei recaps the rape, abuse, and murder that are happening to people who serve the Sept. They talk about the Faith Militant, a group of holy men who were disarmed two hundred years ago. Cersei insists that King Tommen will sign a decree reforming the Faith Militant and arming the ones that the High Sparrow deems most holy. He wants to know if this army will defend the common people, and she promises him “an army in service to the gods themselves.” Cersei chooses the High Sparrow as their leader, telling him he has the power to punish those who even the King may not be able to punish, presumably because they are too noble or powerful or close to the crown. The High Sparrow promises that all sinners are equal in the eyes of the gods, no matter their birth, and Cersei gets serious and tells him of a sinner amongst them, “shielded by gold and privilege.” Which describes basically every lord and lady in King’s Landing, so beware, literally everyone! (M: Including Incesty Cersei…)

Cut to the newly-armed Faith Militant, breaking up kegs of ale with axes because booze is evil and stuff. We also see a Westerosi version of a tattoo parlor, where a young man is sweating and gripping a table as something is legit CARVED into his head. (S: Because even tattoos are infinitely more hardcore in Westeros.) The Faith Militant barge into our favorite of Littlefinger’s brothels, where we’ve seen so much sexposition over the years, and start tearing prostitutes off their customers. Men and women alike are beaten and thrown out of rooms, and That Blonde Prostitute Dude (I had to look it up: Olyvar), who we’ve seen have sex with Loras, tells one of the Sparrows to GTFO because Littlefinger owns this place. The Sparrow just punches him in the face. Olyvar walks slowly into another room, where we see a group of Sparrows beating two naked man and yelling homophobic slurs at them. The other people in the brothel were roughed up pretty badly, but the patrons seeking same-sex loving seem to be the only ones getting their throats slit.

Finally, the tattoo session ends, and we see Skinhead Lancel sit up, with the seven-pointed star gushing blood from his head. I may have screamed my head off at this point. The Sparrows Skinheads head out to where two men are practicing swordfighting in the yard. One of them takes off his helm, shakes out his gorgeous curls, and we see it is Ser Loras, who is promptly seized and arrested by Lancel and the Skinheads. (Which is the name of my heavy metal band.)

Mari: “I’m justice. I repented from incest last week, so it’s a new title.” 

Diva: It’s always the ones with the most to hide, shoving their godliness down people’s throats, isn’t it?

Cut to Queen Margaery, storming into her baby-husband’s lovely breakfast nook and demanding to know why her brother has been arrested. King Tommen, of course, has no fucking clue what’s going on, because his character’s job is to be a piece of meat tugged between two queens. Margaery asks why Cersei hasn’t gone home to Casterly Rock yet, and Tommen still doesn’t understand that his wife means Cersei is behind the arrest of Ser Loras. “Aren’t you and mother getting along?” poor little idiot King Tommen asks, and Margaery’s reply-face is almost as expressively excellent as Cersei’s wine-face:

But even though Margaery looks about a second away from screaming at him, she plays the sweet darling wife, giving him the “if you love me, you’ll get my brother out of there” line. Tommen marches off with promises to rescue Loras.

“I demand that Ser Loras be freed now,” Tommen tells his mother, with all the conviction of a tweenage boy who has always lived in terror of the woman who birthed him. Cersei admits that Margaery is right to be angry, and that fanatics can’t be allowed to arrest a member of the royal family, “no matter his perversions.” Tommen is all, so you’ll let him go? Cersei reminds him that she’s not the one who’s holding Loras. But Tommen is the king, and if he speaks to the High Sparrow, Cersei is sure Loras will be released.

Tommen looks nervous as he and his guards begin the slow climb up the millionty steps of Baelor’s Sept to visit the High Sparrow. The Skinheads block his path, telling him that the High Sparrow is busy praying, and the Kingsguard reply that at Tommen’s command, they’ll kill the Skinheads here and now. Tommen doesn’t seem to want blood on the steps of a holy place (if only his brother Joffrey had felt the same, we might still have Ned Stark!), but suddenly the crowd turns on him, calling their king a bastard and an abomination. Poor Tommen looks so confused, it’s clear he has no idea about the widespread rumors of his parentage. Suddenly I have all these Tommen feels. He’s not ready or right for the Iron Throne, but it’s also not his fault that his very existence stems from treason and incest. Frightened, he backs off and leaves.

Mari: He’s very much just a kid, being used as much by Cersei as by Margaery, who happen to be two grown women. It’s icky all around. 

Sweeney: Icky and sad. I’m glad this scene was short.

Diva: Agreed.

Tommen returns to Margaery and explains that he couldn’t have gotten to her brother without violence. Margaery reminds him of his titles and wonders how he could have let this happen. Tommen promises that he’s going to speak to the High Sparrow, but he doesn’t know when. Even stupid little Tommen can tell his excuses are feeble. Margaery leaves to send word to her grandmother, and still-sweet-and-dumb Tommen wants to know if she’s coming back. She coldly tells him that she needs to be with her family, which clearly does not include her kingly husband.

Back on The Wall, Stannis and his wife gossip about Jon Snow’s parentage, because they’re fangirls just like the rest of us. Stannis calls him Lord Commander, but Selyse insists he’s “a bastard by some tavern slut.” I start to get mad at this slight on Ned Stark’s honor, but Stannis speaks for me and says that doesn’t really sound like Ned. Selyse tells her husband that she should have given him a son, and not just one of the ones she’s creepily keeping in jars. Selyse stares at Shireen and says all she gave her husband was deformity. BACK OFF, BITCH. For once, I find myself siding with Melisandre, who enter-nounces that the Lord of Light doesn’t care about Shireen’s scars. And then I find myself immediately un-siding with her, as she reminds us all that Shireen has a king’s blood running through her veins. And we all know what Melisandre believes: there is power in a king’s blood, like the power to use dementor-babies and penis-leeches to murder kings and also WHERE IS GENDRY, BRING BACK GENDRY. (M: Hey writers? WE’LL TRADE YOU 1 CREEPY RED FOR 1 GENDRY.) (S: FOR SURE. ANY DAY OF THE WEEK.) (D: YES PLEASE ESPECIALLY FOR NUDE SCENES.) We see Selyse realize this same thing about Shireen, stare at Melisandre, and bow and scamper off. Selyse, I may not like you even a little bit, but you are a QUEEN, dammit. Don’t let this red demon-lady possibly threaten your daughter, even a daughter you hate!

Stannis tells Melisandre they have to march on Winterfell like NOW, because winter etc. She basically says, are you going to leave me behind like you did at the Blackwater, where you totally lost? But no,  Stannis is taking her, because he needs her. Melisandre replies that all he needs is faith. And all she needs is to serve her lord, she says, watching Jon Snow.

Sam passes Lord Commander Snow a bunch of papers to sign, because this show has taught us that being the ruler of anything from Meereen to the Seven Kingdoms to the Night’s Watch is mostly insufferable, bureaucratic red tape. They’re asking for men and supplies for the Watch, and they have to ask everyone, even Roose Bolton, since he’s Warden of the North. Jon flat-out refuses to ask his brother Robb’s murderer for anything, but then he puts on his Lord Commander face and signs the paper. (Not literally. I guess this show has gotten to a place where I need to specify that Jon was not literally putting on someone else’s face.)

Mari: This is all I could think:

Sweeney: Much better. Thank you for that.

Diva: I cannot even imagine a better gif choice than that.

Melisandre walks in and Jon dismisses Sam, sitting up a little straighter in his chair. She asks Jon to come with them when they ride for Winterfell, since he knows the castle better than any of them. He reminds her that Castle Black is his home now, and that the Night’s Watch takes no part in the wars of the realm. Melisandre says there is only one war: “life against death.” She offers to show him what they’re fighting for – no visions, no magic, just her tits. Seriously, she opens up her gown and shows him her boobs. I find it hard to believe that those are what everyone is fighting for. Don’t get me wrong, they’re perfectly nice breasts, I’m just not sure they’re worth a WAR.

Melisandre leads Jon’s hand to her breast, and he makes this face that’s half “oh my GOD it’s been a MILLION YEARS since I’ve touched a woman” and half “DUDE, STOP DOING THIS RIGHT NOW, THIS IS DUMB AS FUCK.” Hilariously, she asks if he can feel his heart beat, and he just sort of vaguely nods like he’s not even remotely listening. He might even be under some kind of spell or trance or something, I’m not quite sure. Melisandre tells him to stop denying his power, and suddenly the moment/trance/fondling is over and he snatches his hand back. She straddles him and explains that the Lord of Light loves sex as much as HBO loves boobies, especially sex that creates dementor shadow demon babies! But our Jon Snow stays strong and says he can’t do this. Because he swore a vow, but mostly because he’s still not over Ygritte. Melisandre un-straddles him and walks away, before turning back to give him a “You know nothing, Jon Snow.” 

I guess this was supposed to be terrifying or something, but my only reaction to that line was an over-the-top fart noise with my mouth.

Mari: When you’ve seen a character birth dementor babies, she can pretty much say anything and it’s like, “whatevs.”

Sweeney: Yeah, but I can still add this to my list of reasons I hate her.

Diva: It’s a really long list, and three of the reasons are “she’s not Gendry.”

Shireen enters her father’s chambers. Stannis knows Castle Black is not a great place for a kid, but Shireen is just happy they didn’t leave her at home, like Selyse wanted. Stannis wonders what makes Shireen think that’s true – oh, it’s because Selyse flat-out told Shireen to her face. Oof, every word this kid says just hits me right in the feels. Shireen paces for a moment, then asks her father if he’s ashamed of her. Stannis takes a long pause, like he’s gearing up for something, and tells the story of how Shireen contracted grayscale. When she was a baby, a Dornishman came to Dragonstone to sell his wares, including a wooden doll wearing a dress in the colors of House Baratheon. Baby Shireen loved that doll, and pressed it to her cheek – somehow, the doll passed on the greyscale to Shireen.

Sweeney: MORE GREYSCALE BUILD UP. WHO’S IT GONNA BE, SHOW?

Diva: #anyonebutGendry #funwithforeshadowing

Now, Stannis seems to think this was an intentional attack, and that surprised me the first time I watched this episode. But Shireen would have been born only a few years after Stannis’s brother Robert Baratheon became king. Remember, his ascent was sealed by Tywin Lannister, who ordered the murder of Prince Rhaegar Targaryen’s wife, Elia of Dorne, and her two little children. And we know the Dornish love their revenge – Oberyn came to King’s Landing last season to avenge his sister Elia and her children, and now his paramour and daughters want to avenge his death – so is it possible the Dornish (or maybe even Oberyn himself) wanted to kill off some Baratheon children the way the Baratheon-Lannister alliance had killed off the Dornish-Targaryen babies? Was that the most confusing sentence in the history of Westeros? Probably, but the point is, I’m intrigued.

Mari: I FOLLOWED IT. And I didn’t really give it a second thought while watching, so A+.

Sweeney: Same. I paid this zero mind on the show, so this was a fun little aside.

Diva: I’m glad it made any sense at all!

Anyway, back to Stannis’s greyscale exposition: he was told it would kill Shireen immediately, or slowly take her as a young child. People told Stannis to send her to the ruins of Valyria, to live with the Stone Men, otherwise her affliction would spread through the castle. But Stannis told them all to fuck themselves, and Shireen’s eyes fill with tears as Stannis continues that he got every maester, healer, and apothecary in Westeros to come save her. Because she is a motherfucking Princess, and she does not belong with the Stone Men – she belongs with him.

They hug fiercely, and I cry.

Mari: We keep talking about Stannis and how he’s not at all a likable character but he ends of doing things/saying things/or saving people who we *do* like. Delivering this speech to the ever-precious Shireen? SO MANY POINTS. I mean, sure, he had to deliver it because he is kind of a shit dad, but look at how happy it made Princess Shireen. 

Sweeney: YES. I loved this, also snaps for quality child actors. The gifset alone gives me major feels.

Diva: Show!Stannis is so much better than Book!Stannis. I think he’s earned half a Sandy Cohen Eyebrow of Non-Negligent Parenting for this speech.

Cut to Winterfell’s crypts, where Sansa lights a candle in the statue of Lyanna’s hand, and sees a feather beneath her, presumably the feather Robert left there in Season One.

Littlefinger interrupts this intimate moment to give us some Lyanna backstory. Sansa explains that Ned never talked about his sister, but sometimes she would see him lighting candles for Lyanna. Littlefinger says that he saw Lyanna once, when he was still a little boy living at Riverrun as a ward of Catelyn and Lysa then-Tully’s father. They went to a tourney at Harrenhal (even though it’s like, totally cursed) and all the notable names were there, including Ned, the Mad King Aerys, Robert Baratheon, and Lyanna, his betrothed. Littlefinger was still just a poor kid with no titles, surrounded by these rich and famous and powerful people. The last two riders were Ser Barristan Selmy (yay, Barristan the Bold!) and Rhaegar Targaryen. When Prince Rhaegar won, the crowd went wild… until he trotted right past his wife Elia of Dorne, and gave a crown of blue winter roses to Lyanna instead. And tens of thousands of people have died since, all because Prince Rhaegar chose Lyanna Stark (soon-to-be Baratheon) over his wife Elia Martell.

Sansa, ever my feminist icon, reminds Littlefinger what it meant for Lyanna to be “chosen” – she was kidnapped and raped by Prince Rhaegar. I find this remark to be a huge signifier of Sansa’s growth. She has come so far from that little girl who dreams of the hero princes in songs, of true knights rescuing fair maidens. Sansa knows for herself what it means for a prince or a king or a powerful lord to “choose” her, and it means nothing good for her.

Sweeney: YES. It’s both heartbreaking and brilliant that the girl we met back when this all began now has the wisdom to see that story for what it is.

Diva: Sansa notes that Littlefinger has his Christian Louboutin equestrian leather boots riding gear on, and he admits he’s going to King’s Landing. She’s skeptical and doesn’t want to be left alone with the people who betrayed and murdered her mother and brother, but he says Cersei called for him and they can’t let her get suspicious. “I know how hard it is to live with people you despise, believe me,” he tells her. Any guesses as to whether that’s a reference to his time at Riverrun (he loved Cat, but probs not her father who thought Littlefinger was too lowborn to marry her), or King’s Landing (everyone there is hard to live with), or the Eyrie (LYSA, and then forever-suckling Robyn in breastmilk withdrawal? WORST).

Mari: Basically: live in Westeros, live by people you hate, guaranteed. 

Sweeney: “I live here too, girl.”

Diva: Littlefinger tells her Stannis will march on Winterfell ASAP. She tells him he can’t possibly know that, but he insists he does. We know that he’s right, but this seems like another insistence that LITTLEFINGER KNOWS ALL, which again makes his lack of knowledge about Ramsay Bolton seem suspect. Anyway, Littlefinger assures Sansa that Stannis will defeat the Boltons, rally the North, and take the Iron Throne. A betting man puts his money on the big army with the known military commander (Stannis), and Littlefinger is a betting man. He thinks Stannis will rescue her from this marriage, and in thanks for her father supporting his claim, he will name her Wardeness of the North. Sansa tries to stammer out a response to this BFD claim, but Littlefinger reminds her that Stannis needs the last living Stark on his side. And if Stannis loses? Littlefinger says she’ll make Ramsay hers. It’ll be easy, since Ramsay’s already in love with her. And since she learned how to maneuver from the best, Littlefinger knows she’ll be safe. Then he kisses her on the lips (ew, please, no) and tells her the North will be hers. She reminds him that she’ll be a married woman the next time he tries to make out with her face, and he just kind of smiles vaguely and peaces out.

Mari: Sansa: We were family by marriage the first time you kissed me and the next time you undoubtedly try, I’ll be married. Littlefinger: LOL. 

Sweeney: Just in case we were in need of a friendly reminder to hate him.

Diva: Oh, good. I only had like a zillion other reasons so far.

On the Bronn and Jaime road boat trip, Bronn saves Jaime from being snake-bitten to death, and they have an existential talk about what the singers will sing about them when they’re dead. While they eat the aforementioned snake, of course. Bronn just wants to die old and rich, which Jaime finds boring. But Bronn’s had enough excitement for quite a few lifetimes, and doesn’t need that in his death too. Jaime wants to die in the arms of the woman he loves. Bronn asks if the woman he loves feels the same way, but Jaime gets shy talking about his internationally-known incest, so they leave their little camp.

Mari: Yet another reason to stay away from incest: can’t have bro-chat.

Diva: Bronn and Jaime head off on foot, discussing the whereabouts of the captain of the ship that brought them this far. He’s from Pentos, heading to Oldtown. Bronn asks what’s to stop that guy from ratting them out. Jaime paid them off, but Bronn isn’t certain that’s enough, not when the Dornish hate the Lannisters as much as they do. And of course, that very moment, four Dornishmen ride up on horseback, wearing those very Dornish sun-printed yellow bathrobes. Bronn makes up some lies about their names and backstories, and Jaime says some nonsense about sharks. The Dornish order them to disarm, but as Bronn sticks his sword in the sand, he pulls a dagger out of his belt with the other hand and tosses it right into the neck of one of the Dornishmen. It’s… pretty fucking great, actually. Bronn kicks another guy’s ass before Jaime gets into an epic swordfight with the third Dornishman. The Dornishman clearly has the upper hand (pun very much intended), until Jaime grabs the sword with his golden hand in a completely epic maneuver.

Jaime looks shocked as all hell, but uses it to his advantage, pulling the Dornishman closer with the sword stuck in his gold hand, and stabbing him through the gut with the other. After the foes are defeated, Jaime has to kick to get the sword un-stuck from his golden hand, and it’s so absurdly slapstick I’m wondering if I’m actually watching Game of Thrones. (M: Shhh! They’ll bring boobs, blood or rape back.) Jaime wants Bronn to bury the bodies before they leave, since dead bodies lead to questions and also wars. Bronn is less than pleased.

Ellaria Sand rides off to a tent in the middle of nowhere, where the Sand Snakes await. They’re going to have to start this war themselves, since Prince Doran is being unhelpful. But they don’t need an army – they already have Princess Myrcella. One of the Sand Snakes reveals the head of the ship’s captain, who obviously ratted out Jaime and Bronn the first chance he got. Now he’s buried up to his neck in sand, with scorpions eating his face, because he smuggled Jaime Lannister into Dorne. Ellaria realizes Jaime has come for Myrcella, and they cannot lose her. The Sand Snakes agree to do things Ellaria’s way – war. Obara tells a story about Oberyn coming to take her away from her mother. Oberyn gave her a spear, even though she was just a little kid, and basically said baby!Obara could choose her own weapon – spears or tears. Welcome to feminist!Dorne, y’all:

Mari: I don’t know if it’s ’cause they are all standing in sand with similar make-up but I’d like to give points to casting because that is totally Ellaria’s daughter. 

Diva: A muffled, gagged Tyrion begs Jorah to untie him. When Jorah ignores him, Tyrion starts singing as loudly as one can when they’ve got a rag shoved in their mouth. It works like a charm. Now that he can speak, Tyrion asks who exactly his kidnapper is, and also asks for wine, because #priorities. Tyrion notices that they’re heading east instead of west, and Jorah clarifies that he’s bringing Tyrion to Queen Daenerys, not Queen Cersei. Tyrion just laughs and laughs, since he was already heading to Dany himself. Jorah still refuses to untie Tyrion’s hands. Tyrion puts two and two together about Jorah and his bear sigil on his armor, and realizes he’s Jorah Mormont. He also puts it together that Jorah was running from Queen Dany, and remembers from his time on the small council that Jorah was spying on Daenerys for Varys. Tyrion realizes Jorah’s plan is to take him to Daenerys, hoping she will execute Tyrion for his family’s crimes and pardon Jorah for bringing her a Lannister. Tyrion says the reverse may be just as likely, and this earns him a swift punch to the face.

Daenerys looks down on her city and listens to Ser Barristan tell a story about her brother Rhaegar. Rhaegar liked to walk amongst the common folk, singing to them. Dany can’t even believe this is true of her fierce warrior brother that she never knew. Ser Barristan stood by, guarded him and collected the money Rhaegar would earn – he was a very talented singer, and would give all his coins to poor minstrels, or orphanages, or he’d just get his Kingsguard really wasted. Daario interrupts this fun family history moment to say that Hizdahr zo Loraq is back and wants to talk to her, yet again. There’s a momentary question of who will guard her during this meeting that gives us a hint of how threatening (or not) Hizdahr really is:

Cut to Hizdahr, begging Dany to reopen Meereen’s fighting pits. Dany does not want to hear any defense of the fighting pits, because she has seen The Hunger Games. (S: A+) She stands strong against this murdery tradition, and Hizdahr continues in voiceover as we see men in the Harpy masks holding torches and  marching through the sewers.

At a tavern (?) nearby, the Sons of the Harpy show up and start slitting throats. Around the corner, the Unsullied prepare to attack. One of the women from the murderous brothel we saw a few episodes ago points the Unsullied into a trap, where the Sons of the Harpy are lying in wait for them. The Unsullied are surrounded, and very much outnumbered. An Unsullied kills several Sons of the Harpy in a row. His helm gets knocked off, and we see it’s Grey Worm. (M: NOOOOOO.) (D: That was basically the only noise I made for the remainder of this episode.) He fights with incredible strength and speed and absolutely no fear, but elsewhere, Unsullied are dropping like flies. Ser Barristan is around the corner and hears yelling, so he runs right into where everyone is fleeing from and joins the fray.

A wounded Grey Worm is still killing dudes even as he pulls knives out of his body. Suddenly a sword cuts through a Harpy’s chest, and he falls, and behind him is Barristan the Bold, two or three times the age of all of these men and a hundred times the fighter. Ser Barristan slices through a dozen men, but still, he and Grey Worm are outnumbered. Barristan falls to the ground, already stabbed terribly through the chest, and a Harpy is about to slit his throat when Grey Worm kills that dude, and collapses next to Ser Barristan. I’m not sure if this means both of them are dead, but it seems impossible that both of them can survive these wounds. The camera pans out and we see dozens of men dead or dying on the ground – all Harpy’s Sons, except for Grey Worm and Ser Barristan, because together they have the strength of a small army. At this point, I am shaking and weeping and remembering the showrunners’ warnings that people who are still alive in the books might be killed off on the show, and maybe just sobbing “no, Ser Barristan, no” at my screen. Maybe.

Mari: I just felt like this came out of NOWHERE. We were making jokes about weak ole Hizdhar one second ago, no? And to tease us with the death of Barristan and Grey Worm AT THE SAME TIME? Horrible.

Sweeney: RIGHT, THOUGH? WHAT THE FUCK, SHOW.

Diva: Oh, and one more gif-set courtesy of Tumblr, just to kick you right in the #barristanfeels:

Sweeney: Leave it to Tumblr to compile the perfectly suckerpunch to the feels.

Diva: And now, the #gameofsnark tweets:

This army is supposed to be in service to the gods? THEN WHAT ARE THEY DOING TO THE WINE! There is nothing more unholy. #gameofsnark

— Wendy Weissman (@thewendynerd) May 4, 2015

That whorehouse really needs a bouncer on the door or something #got #gameofsnark

— Yas Samraoui (@SpringRain88) May 4, 2015

Noo, not our favorite brothel!! So many good times there, like Oberyn offering Tywin a seat on an orgy-used bed! #gameofsnark #gameofthrones

— Democracy Diva (@democracydiva) May 4, 2015

Dear Tommen: it’s time to grow a pair of balls here #GameofThrones #gameofsnark

— Rose (@Coyote_Rose) May 4, 2015

‘With winter coming’? Is he serious? Winter is 1000% percent never happening. #gameofsnark

— Catherine McGinnes (@CatherineJane91) May 4, 2015

I swear Melissandre’s answer to everything is getting her tits out #got #gameofsnark

— Yas Samraoui (@SpringRain88) May 4, 2015

Get your slimy mouth off Sansa, you creep #got #ew #gameofsnark

— Yas Samraoui (@SpringRain88) May 4, 2015

All these boat scenes makes me think we might finally find out what happened to gendry #gameofthrones #gameofsnark

— Rose (@Coyote_Rose) May 4, 2015

 

Next time on Game of Thrones: Lots of people are headed to Winterfell and Tyrion and Jorah are still on a boat in S05 E05 – Kill the Boy.