Grey Chapter 01 – Straight from the laundry.

Previously: We tried to convince ourselves that this series was over forever. Hahahahaha.
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Marines: The last actual book recap we posted went up in October of 2013. WHAT EVEN. I mean, sure, there were lots of series wrap-up posts, a trailer to dissect and a movie to die through, but still. It seems like only yesterday we were holding each other in the comments.

I sent out an email to the rest of the Snark Ladies asking if any of them loved me enough/hated their lives enough to recap along with me. Some of them will be popping in and out for one off things, but two brave souls volunteered as tributes: Alex and Jessica. Say hello ladies!

Jessica: Hellooo! When Mari sent an email asking who would want to help her cover Grey, I blacked out temporarily and when I came to, an email agreeing to the project was already sent. Just kidding! Sort of. In fact, there’s a bit of nostalgia factor here, as the FSOG recaps were my first experience with the Snark Squad, and contained such insane levels of hilarity, snarkiness and wtf rage that I was forever hooked. Now I am both excited and terrified (excitified?) to begin this journey, which I suspect will require large quantities of booze and brain bleach to get through, yet hopefully just the same amount of hilarity, snarkiness and wtf rage, if not more.

Bring it on.

Alex: I honestly can’t remember agreeing to do this which probably means I was either drunk or half asleep when I did it… but anyway, here we are. Like Jessica, it was the Fifty Shades recaps which first brought me to this site as a reader, so it’s pretty amazing to be here now revisiting the series as a recapper. At least, it would be amazing if it weren’t for the fact that this book, you know… exists. Such is the inner turmoil of a Snark Lady.

Mari: So, introductions and inner turmoil all out of the way, I guess we actually have to read this now.

The dedication is to all of the readers who “asked… and asked… and asked… and asked for this.” I have a feeling this won’t be the last time I say this, but EL, girl, the victims are never asking for it. (J: A+)

The acknowledgements include thank yous to people who helped her with the following subjects: “Americanisms,” flying a helicopter, navigating the US higher education system, soil science (hahaha), and behavioral health.

Alex: Woah. I don’t know about you guys, but I’m super turned on already. That right there is a list of all the things I hope to find in an erotic novel.

Mari: Aren’t you glad you drunkenly agreed to do this now?

The table of contents looks really short, and I briefly felt a hope bubbling. Maybe this is a novella?

NOPE. The paperback version is FIVE HUNDRED AND SEVENTY SIX PAGES LONG. (J: WHAT.) (A: Is it too late to un-agree to this?) (M: Yes. Just remember the soil science.)

I don’t know if I should be impressed that I made it all the way to the table of contents before needing this or if I should be worried that I made it all the way to the table of contents before needing this:

Every chapter in this book represents a date. We start on Monday, May 9, 2011. Grey is having a dream that he’s playing with toy cars and the Crack Whore is ignoring him. Grey is dreaming of being a child, so this portion of the text is told in the short sentences that always indicate youth. So, Grey is dreaming in sentence fragments? I’m already confused. (A: Me too, but more in a ‘why the hell would anyone think this is a good way to open an erotic novel?’ kind of way.)

He wakes up and “dismisses” the dream, like a boss. Next, he climbs out of bed and gets some “newly laundered sweats” from his “walk-in closet.” What a prick. I mean, I know he hasn’t done anything yet, but just think about how you or I would narrate this very simple task. “I grabbed my sweats,” maybe. But not Grey. No-ho-ho. He’s got to grab his newly laundered sweats from his walk-in closet. Your sweats probably haven’t been laundered at all. That’s why poor people smell bad. Or at best, your sweats are oldly laundered. You are beneath Christian Grey.

It looks like it’s going to rain and Grey doesn’t want to run in the rain (J: clearly something a stinky poor person would do) so he goes to his gym to run there. I feel like the awful details of James’s writing are all going to come back to me slowly. Right now I’m remembering how she often took us places so that nothing could happen there. So, Grey goes to his gym just so he can think about how boring his days are, maybe calling Mrs. Rape (Elena) and how he’s going to work out again later with a personal trainer.

We cut to the personal trainer (the Olympic Gold Medalist in a non-Olympic sport, if you’ll recall…)(J: I didn’t, but thanks!) leaving Grey’s office. Grey’s pissed because the personal trainer is better than him at golf. This story is really taking off now.

Alex: A+

Mari: After the personal trainer leaves, Grey takes a moment to brood about how bored he is with life and how badly he needs a diversion. He thinks about some project in Sudan he’s excited about and decides to call Ros. You remember her. She’s like one of the only women who wasn’t attracted to Grey. Because she’s a lesbian.

On his schedule, Grey sees that he has an interview with some bitch named Katherine Kavanagh. This upsets him greatly because he hates it when people ask questions and are totally jealous of his newly laundered things. Worse of all: she’s a student. Freakin’ students and their educations. GOD.

J: I just want to take this moment to say that I am firmly in the Katherine Kavanagh fan camp. She was my favorite from before and I’m ready to continue to root for her throughout this monstrosity.

A: Katherine Kavanagh and Taylor the hot bodyguard are my OTP.

Mari: One of the blonde secretaries calls Grey and tells him that Ana is there. Grey is even more annoyed because he was expecting that trash bag Katherine Kavanagh and he hates surprises. Grey knows Katherine’s father, because remember, they are rich and all rich people know each other. Grey is doing this interview as a favor to Papa Kavanagh and because he wanted to oogle Kate. I mean, it says “I was vaguely curious” but I’m pretty sure that’s Grey speak for “I wonder if I’d enjoy murdering her?”

Grey hears a commotion at the door.

WAIT. Wait, wait, wait, guys.

I ALREADY READ THIS. This was like a preview chapter included at the end of Fifty Shades Freed. I had forgotten about that and here’s to hoping you did too, ’cause I’m just going to keep recapping this…? This is kind of awkward.

ANYWAY. Grey is annoyed by Ana’s falling down, but then he looks into her eyes and feels “exposed.” Ana is blushing which makes Grey think of turning her skin pink with a cane. He stops those thoughts, not because it’s weird to think about hitting people before you’ve spoken a word to them, but because she’s “much too young.” A STUDENT, remember. Damn students.

Ana is gawking at Grey and he wants to roll his eyes at her because his beauty is only skin deep. Seriously, he says this about himself: it’s only skin deep. Christian Grey knows he’s awful inside; do you know Christian Grey is awful inside?

Grey takes in her looks: pale, skinny, and disrespectful hair that’s “barely contained by a hair tie.” LOL, what? Did she tie it around too many times? Is she buying hair ties too small for her hair? I don’t know what’s happening.

He takes extra notice of the fact that she’s a brunette, just like his mommy.

Ana apologies and introduces herself all while blinking erratically. It’s a wonder he was able to gaze into her eyes at all with all her irregular and unpredictable blinking. (J: I too made a note about her erratic blinking! Another good item to add to the list for the next “Do You Own A Face?” segment)

Interestingly enough, this next part was edited from the FSF  epilogue. Back then, Grey said that Ana had no “dress sense” and here we get “does she have any sense of style at all?” SOUNDS LIKE SOMEONE GOT A LITTLE SCHOOLING IN “AMERICANISMS.” Who’s excited to see what she learned about soil??

J: *looks away to avoid eye contact. *crickets chirp.

A: BRB, taking a cold shower.

Mari: Ana is looking around everywhere but at Grey which he notes with “amused irony.” I’m not seeing the irony, though. Is it like rain on your wedding day? (J: More like rain on your jogging day so you have to use your personal gym and can’t show off your newly laundered sweats to anyone.)(M: Tragedy.)

Grey notes that Ana is meek and submissive which he can totally instantly after looking at her blush and erratic blinking. They chat about some paintings in his office and the dialogue is of course lifted straight from Fifty Shades of Grey. Copy and paste has made this woman’s career. I bet she copied and pasted all this like a champion. Like a seasoned veteran.

Ana is being clumsy as she takes her stuff out and Grey is trying to keep from laughing at her. He thinks he can fix her clumsiness by hitting her. The thought makes him shift in his chair and I wonder if this means he just got an awkward boner. Never mind. I don’t actually wonder that at all. Ana looks up at him and… BITES HER LIP!

“Fuck,” Grey thinks. “How did I not notice how inviting that mouth is?” Because she wasn’t biting it before, Grey. They were just there, being casual lips. It wasn’t until Ana put the lips between her teeth that your brain processed them as something you could also feast on. Duh. #science

Ana apologizes for being useless, or whatever, but Grey doesn’t care about the words she’s saying, just about her tasty treats lips. Ana starts to ask her interview questions, but she so unprepared that it cures Grey of his awkward boner. He deadpans his answers about being good at judging people and that will never not be hilarious. Ana says maybe he’s lucky which pisses Grey off. So he decides to show her up, “flaunting [his] erudition, [he] quotes the words of Andrew Carnegie.” Problem is that the quote is, “the growth and development of people is the highest calling of leadership” and that’s usually attributed to Harvey S. Firestone. Sorry, I’m just flaunting my erudition. Just kidding– my Google skills. (J: James probably spent too much time on Americanisms and soil knowledge so that she forgot about quote attribution!) (A: Well you have to give the readers what they want, right?)

He says something else about immense power coming from wanting to control things and Ana asks if he feels like he’s got immense power. This pisses him off again and he says that he’s got forty thousand people in his employ, so basically, yeah. Ana’s mouth pops open. (A: Hey, we totally did that one!) because apparently a large company employing lots of people is really surprising…? “Suck it up, baby,” Grey thinks and he feels his equilibrium returning.

The “FP ladies” who were helping James with her “Americanisms” should’ve told her that no one talks about their equilibrium. No one. (A: As the token Brit I can confirm that this is just straight-up E.L. James terribleness. Nobody here would say that either).

Ana changes the subject to his interests outside of work and Grey thinks of her naked and in different positions in his playroom. This makes Ana blush, for some reason, even though she should have absolutely no way of knowing she should be blushing. Wait, I’m joking because the truth is that this bitch hasn’t stopped blushing this entire damn scene. (J: Ana the chameleon.)

She asks what he does to “chill out” and I guess the FP Ladies couldn’t do much about this misuse of the term because that’s how it was written in the FSoG dialogue. Grey, who was just complaining about her generic questions, thinks about what a great question this is! What does he do to chill out? “Sailing, flying, fucking… testing the limits of attractive brunettes like her and bringing them to heel.”  He leaves all the gross parts of that out of his out-loud answer and just goes with sailing and flying. He says more about how much he loves ships, but in his thoughts newly revealed to us he adds because they transport food around the planet.

Do you see the layers, yet? And really is that a reason to love ships? Couldn’t other means of transportation also transport food around the world?

Ana says it sounds like he’s talking from his heart, but Grey replies that the people who know him well say he doesn’t have a heart. In his head, though, he says the only person who knows him well is the woman who statutory raped him. Somehow, this thought leads to the next one, which is him admitting that Ana is alluring.

Next, Ana asks about his interest in feeding the world’s poor, but that’s like a nice thing, and Grey doesn’t want her to see that side of him so he non-answers and inside imagines sticking his penis in Ana’s mouth. Ahem:

“It’s shrewd business,” I mutter, feigning boredom, and I imagine fucking that mouth to distract myself from all thoughts of hunger. Yes, her mouth needs training, and I imagine her on her knees before me. Now, that thought is appealing.” 

Feeding the world’s poor? BOOOOO.

Blow jobs? YAAAAY!

Also, does this work? The next time you are hungry maybe try imagining you have a penis and you are putting it in someone’s mouth to distract yourself from all thoughts of hunger. Let me know how it goes.

Alex: We’re not even just talking about his own hunger, though. He’s thinking about blowjobs so that he doesn’t have to think about ALL THE HUNGER IN THE ENTIRE WORLD. That’s a pretty epic level of distraction.

Mari: Well, he does think very highly of his penis.

Grey goes on about possessing things and says the “I want to deserve to possess [things],” line I’ve now read in three separate books. That’s depressing. For some reason, Grey decides that Ana disapproving at his ultimate consumerism means she’s a rich kid? Which makes no sense to me. But then he looks closer at her clothes. In the epilogue, he guessed her clothes were from Old Navy or Walmart. EL James decided to update this to Old Navy or H&M. Sorry, Walmart. Probably shouldn’t carry this book, is all I’m saying. Also, sorry whoever shops at Old Navy or H&M; EL James things you have no “dress sense.”

We get to the point where Ana asks him about being adopted and being gay. Grey has the sudden urge to spank her and fuck her, which is totally the normal reaction to have if someone asks you about your sexual orientation. Ana blames the question on idiot Katherine Kavanagh and finally admits that she’s just the roommate.

Grey cancels his next meeting so he can ask Ana questions. He puts his fingers to his lips and Ana swallows. “Oh yes- the usual effect.” Oh yeah. She swallowed her spit. You are hot stuff, Grey.

After Ana says she has no after college plans, he tells her about the internship program at GEH. This is Ana’s cue to start packing up to go. And even though he experienced 102 different types of annoyance, Grey doesn’t want Ana to leave now. She has to go drive back to Vancouver, though. Grey doesn’t like the idea of her driving in the rain and really doesn’t like the idea of not being able to command her to stay. Grey keeps thinking of ways to drag this goodbye out, including groping her neck when he puts on her cheap coat.

Grey sees Ana over to the elevator and they say each other’s first names in goodbye, which is of course supposed to be this big sexy moment or something. I figure you have to get the timing just right, though. What happens if you say the person’s name and the doors haven’t closed yet? Then you just have to stare at each other.

The final thing that happens is of course that Grey calls someone to order a background check on Anastasia. Wouldn’t it just be awful if Grey was thinking of spanking and fucking a criminal this whole time? Embarrassing.

 

Trauma Flashback:

So, I don’t know if I’ll do this always because this whole book might wear me out. However, while things are relatively trauma-less, I decided to whip out my old copy of Fifty Shades of Grey and skim it. I quickly found that the entire trilogy was absolutely GONE from my Kindle. Like, gone gone. Like I logged onto Amazon and it’s not showing up anywhere in my content. So basically, I must’ve angrily deleted it and forgotten that I did so. I’m so proud of past me.

Anyway, I obtained another totally legal copy and went over my chapter 1 recap and here’s a little refresher/some nitpicks:

– When Ana has a seat in the lobby to wait for Grey, the personal trainer is still in Grey’s office. Ana hears him invite Grey to golf. As soon as he’s gone, one of the blonde secretaries (Andrea, presumably) tells Ana that she can go right in to see Mr. Grey. In Grey, Grey has time for a whole brood session and Andrea somehow calls him about Ana even though FSoG tells us that no time has passed. Fail.

– When Ana shakes Grey’s hand she feels a jolt she assigns to static electricity. Grey? He feels her cool skin and a firm shake. Sorry, Ana. That was some one-sided electricity.

– In FSoG, the leadership quote is attributed to Firestone. For some reason, in Grey, he says it’s Carnegie. What even happened?

– There are times in Grey when Grey says Ana is biting her lip, but in FSoG, Ana doesn’t say she’s biting her lip. Guys, can we just think about the fact that this means Ana was BITING HER LIP MORE TIMES THAN WE ORIGINALLY THOUGHT?

 

That’s it for this week! We’ll be posting these up on Tuesdays instead of Wednesdays this time around, so we’ll be back with chapter 2 next week. Hope you all decide to keep our misery company! And we’ll be starting up the Favorite Comments in the next recap.

See you there!

 

Next time on Grey: It’s hardware store time, now with added murder-y thoughts to accompany murder-y purchases in Chapter 2.