Previously: Something about past lives that made negative sense.
—
Give Me a Sign
Marines: Prison. Two guards come to collect a prisoner who is Antonio Sabato, Jr. You’ll probably recall that he was on the show previously but may not recall why. Basically, I’m describing myself. Thankfully they say his name right away so I don’t have to keep typing Antonio Sabato, Jr.
Stephanie: I only remember Bane as the guy Prue made out with when she put on leather and became a Bad Girl for a day. I don’t remember why he’s in jail. I also don’t care.
Mari: Once they are outside, Bane guesses that Litvack sent these men. Bane attacks one of them and the other pulls out some sort of magic laser weapon, but he’s the worst and ends up missing Bane and killing his partner. Bane knocks the remaining dude down, but then Not A Guard super strength lifts and throws Bane up against a van. A running van. With the door open. Not A Guard bends down to collect his magic laser so of course Bane hops into the convenient getaway van and leaves.
An actual guard comes out when he hears the commotion and asks what’s going on. For some reason, Not A Guard decides he should book it and leave his magic laser behind.
Steph: It’s very considerate of him to leave plot relevant evidence for the girls to use later.
Mari: Lord knows they need all the help they can get.
Halliwell Manor. Piper is talking about Leo and Dan. I remember the days when I thought Piper would be my favorite and then these two personality-less-dolts happened to her AND SHE WON’T STOP TALKING ABOUT THEM. And then, Phoebe, BLESS HER HEART, says that she’s been timing how long Piper has been comparing Leo and Dan. WHY IS SHE MY FAVORITE RIGHT NOW? It’s been too long a break. I’ve forgotten her uselessness and hideous outfits.
Prue says she bought all this equipment because she’ll need it if she wants to pursue photography professionally. Phoebe rains on her parade and says that photography can be dicey, money-wise. Piper speaks up, though, and says that Prue dreamt of wining the Pulitzer in college, so she isn’t a sudden-photographer, we’ve just haven’t heard about it until now. Phoebe says maybe finding out she was a photographer in a past life was a sign, and that reminds her she has to go meddle in Piper’s love life. Piper chases after her. The Tinkly Piano of Feels starts up as Prue walks to the mirror and snaps a picture of herself. “Portrait of a dreamer,” she says sadly, and I laugh and laugh.
Upstairs, Phoebe is hiding in the bathroom, writing a spell for Piper. Apparently the trick-personal-gain spell is, “I beseech all powers above, send a sign to free my sister’s heart, one that will lead her to her true love.” Huh. I wonder if it will be at all significant that Phoebe didn’t specify which sister, even though she has two. Let’s keep watching.
Downstairs, Antonio Sabato, Jessup sneaks up behind Prue. He chloroforms her and we head to the credits.
I AM THE SAHN.
Moody music and establishing shots. At the Manor, Phoebe is holding Prue’s new camera, trying to get a premonition so they can figure out what happened to her. The doorbell rings. It’s Morris and he says he has bad news. Piper asks if it has anything to do with Prue and Morris says no, unless she helped Bane escape from jail. Piper says that name sounds familiar but not even she can remember these lame plot points. Phoebe reminds her that their favorite demon hired Bane to kill them and also Prue liked Bane. #CharmedThings
Steph: That favorite demon was Barbas, wasn’t it? Hey look, I remember a thing.
…Who was Barbas again?
Mari: Their non-favorite demon, apparently.
Morris asks what’s up. They explain that Prue is missing and they found the chloroform rag by the back door. Morris shows them the magic laser he found when he was investigating the prison yard or whatever. Piper asks if they can keep it to figure out what demon they are dealing with and Morris says that’s fine because it’s not like he was going to turn it in as evidence or anything. LOL. Evidence. Piper also asks him to keep Prue’s kidnapping quiet and Morris agrees to do that for as long as he can.
Just as Morris is leaving, a deliveryman comes and says he has a sign for Piper. Phoebe grabs the package and sees that it’s from Leonardo’s Boutique in Bodega Bay. Leo like Leonardo and Bodega Bay is where Dan is from. Piper bops Phoebe on the head for casting that sign spell.
Steph: It’s really weird how this lighthearted subplot is being mixed with something as serious as their sister being kidnapped by an escaped criminal. Weird, but unsurprising.
Mari: We cut to a house that’s still under construction. The zoomy cameraman lingers on the sign that has the location and lot number. Inside, Bane takes off Prue’s gag and tells her not to scream. “Why not,” she asks which is a really weird question to ask in this situation. Bane says that they won’t be able to talk if she screams and also that no one will hear her. Prue thinks he should take off her blindfold too and he’s all, “that would be crazy because of your powers.” And then he takes off her blindfold anyway.
Bane needs Prue’s help to save his life and Prue says most people would just ask. Bane kidnapped her, though, because they aren’t like most people. Prue asks what makes him think she’ll help. He doesn’t think she will, but she and her sisters are his only hope. A demon named Litvack is after him and he can only guess it’s because Bane is a mortal who knows about demons.
Prue looks around and asks where they are. Bane says this house was going to be his home until Prue came around and messed it up. She’s like, “uh, BECAUSE YOU TRIED TO KILL ME?” That was before Bane got to know her, though, which I guess is supposed to be a a comfort. Bane Jessup only killed people he DIDN’T know. #heartofgold
Anyway, so we can really start to hammer home the theme of this episode, Prue says Bane doesn’t strike her as a dreamer. Bane is an unforetold wealth of layers. Prue says there is something he should know about her too. She squints her eyes and sends him flying into the wall. Instead of then trying to get free with those awesome powers, she just sits there and says that she’ll never put her sisters in danger. Bane walks over and puts the blindfold on again. “Sooner or later, you’re gonna have to trust me Prue.” Definitely keep blindfolding her. That should help.
Steph: Too bad Prue doesn’t have a useful power to assist her in getting help. Something like astral projection. Wait…
Mari: Cut to a cemetery. Inside of a mausoleum, Not A Guard [NAG] returns and his Demon Boss tells us in plot-summarizing ways that he is totally not happy that Bane Jessup, the mortal who knows about demons, is still alive. Demon Boss wonders what they’ll tell Litvack, who enters at that exact moment. Demon Boss pushes NAG down to his knees. Litvack reads his thoughts and sees NAG losing Bane and the magic laser. Litvack says that to find a mortal, all you have to do is follow his ~*DREAMS*~ Note to self: never hide from demons in a chocolate shop. (S: Truth.) Demon Boss promises that NAG will find Bane, but Litvak kills NAG and says Demon Boss will have to do that himself.
Halliwell Manor. Piper shows Leo the magic laser because -shock- they couldn’t find it in the Book of Shadows. Leo, though, plot point supplier that he ever is, immediately identifies it as a weapon handed out by an upper level demon. Phoebe is confused by the words “upper level” so Leo has to further explain that there is a hierarchy of demons and they try to work their way up by being bad to the bone. Leo doesn’t know who this particular weapon belongs to, though, so Phoebe is going back to the Book of Shadows. Piper thanks Leo for his help and has feels about how Prue could be hurt or killed if they don’t get to her quick enough. Leo hugs her and wishes he could do more. They say goodbye and outside, Leo takes a moment to rest a longing hand on the door. Imagine if a neighbor saw that. Amazing.
Steph: “Uh, just admiring my carpentry work.”
Mari: Dream House. Bane says that as long as Prue remains there, her life is in danger too. She might stand a chance against Litvack with her sisters, but definitely not alone. Who will freeze time and who will kick, ya know? Prue repeats that she’s not going to endanger her sisters and Bane says that’s fine because they’ll just come looking for her anyway. To prevent that, Prue astral projects. (S: Took her long enough.)(M: And she’s not doing it to save herself, but to unsave herself. Cool.)
In the attic, Piper and Phoebe have suddenly and miraculously found the weapon they couldn’t find before.
Steph: They couldn’t find anything on the weapon before, which I could forgive if, say, the information were hidden in text, but there’s a FULL PAGE ILLUSTRATION of the stupid thing!
Mari: The bad guy basically handed you the evidence, ladies. C’mon.
A magical indoor wind blows the pages to an entry on the Mariners, which confuses Phoebe. Piper closes the book in a huff because it’s a sign. Dan used to play for the Mariners. Prue appears and warns her sisters not to come looking for her because it’s a trap. She doesn’t say anything else.
Back at the dream house, Bane is letting Prue go. He just wanted her help, but she can’t help him if she doesn’t trust him. I guess getting off on the kidnapper-y foot put a damper on the whole trust thing. He promises that she’ll never see him again.
Demon Boss enters and fires his magic laser. Bane ducks and pulls Prue down with him. Prue telekinesises the next laser blast away and then sends Demon Boss flying through the window. He gets up and runs away. Inside, we see that Bane landed on a knife (?) and is bleeding from his side. Prue is all breathy because he saved her life. He wants to know if she can trust him now. I would probably still go with no, but I’m not a Charmed One.
Steph: Never trust a man who has random, exposed knives just lying around his dream house.
Mari: Manor. News of Bane’s escape is on the TV. The girls called Morris as soon as they saw the first broadcast. Morris sees the magic laser and wonders if they’ve figured out what that is yet. Phoebe says they are still looking, but they do know that Bane definitely has Prue. They tell him in vague terms about Prue’s astral visit and warning.
The phone rings and Phoebe answers. She announces that it’s someone asking for a Leonora Watkins. Piper grabs the phone and tells the caller they have the wrong number. Morris gives a hilarious, “ANYWAY.” It’s hilarious only because that’s what I’m thinking throughout like 80% of any episode I’m watching.
Steph: Morris always makes me laugh because he’s so completely normal and out of place. Like, what are you even still doing here, Morris? Get out before they change you.
Mari: Morris copied a bunch of the DA files on Bane and brought them over. The police think Bane has Prue holed up somewhere because of reasons. He brought the files over so the P’s could do his detectiving work for him. Piper hopes that Bane isn’t hurting Prue.
Cut to the Dream House, where Bane has his shirt open. Prue is trying to stop the bleeding. He tells her to go on home before Litvack sends anyone else, but Prue is convinced they are safe for now. Plus, not she doesn’t want to leave Bane. Then, she tells Bane to take his pants off so she can get to his side wound. Bane says no so she threatens to take them off forcefully. The Sexy Saxophones start up as them smile at each other, so I figure we’re supposed to find this cute or endearing in some way. No.
Steph: It’s that classic story of love between a witch and a convict.
Mari: Manor. Phoebe and Piper are still going through the DA files. Piper says that Bane was into a lot of crime including some kind of real estate fraud involving custom homes. She hands the brochure over to Phoebe who reads the name of the development– Mariners Bluff. Piper catches on and asks what Phoebe’s spell said exactly. Phoebe repeats it and Piper figures out that all the signs they’ve been getting apply to Prue. Mariners Bluff is in Bodega Bay, off the Watkins Road exit. The TV turns on and the newscast is about a Mariners loss to the Angels, 8 to 7. Phoebe, even though they just had this whole conversation, thinks this is still about Dan and Leo. Piper figures they are looking for lot 827. Off they go.
Pants Off Party. Bane asks why Prue is still there, so we can hear again that she now believes in him. Bane thanks her because it’s been a long time since anyone believe in him. He wasn’t always a criminal, see? Once upon a time he had ~*DREAMS*~Prue says maybe it isn’t too late for him and I guess that’s true if you are mostly ignoring the fact that he’s an prison escapee. Bane says it is too late for him but Prue can still have her ~*DREAMS*~ Prue sighs because she’s been thinking about ~*DREAMS*~ a lot lately. And then they head in for a makeout sesh.
Steph: Why exactly does Prue like this guy? Is it because his hair is better than Jack’s? Or because he kind of looks and talks like a 1950’s greaser? I don’t get it.
Mari: Me either.
Mausoleum. Demon Boss is ready to be sent into oblivion for his mistakes, but Litvack says this is different because a super strong witch interfered. He wants to be taken to the ~*DREAM*~ house so he can tap into essence o’ witch, track her down, and feed her to the Source.
Dream House. This has turned into a full blown pants off party. Because if you kidnap a lady, there is still a chance you might get laid, gentlemen. Just ask Christian Grey. Bane wakes up to find Prue standing and looking out at the darkening sky. Prue tells Bane that she’ll help him with Litvack (I thought that was already a given…) if Bane turns himself in at the end of it. Bane sighs. He was thinking maybe he could run away with Prue and they could have a really normal relationship, or something. Prue says he’s beginning to strike her as a ~*DREAMER*~
Bane freezes mid-kiss as Prue and Piper come in. They are all WHAT THE HELL because they’ve been worried sick and here is Prue and also right over there are her panties. Piper says they have to go because they’ve got a demon on their tail. Prue wants to know how they know about Litvack and Piper tells her about the magic laser one of the demons dropped while breaking Bane out of prison. Prue stands up for Bane and asks Piper to unfreeze him because she’s bringing him back to the Manor. Piper does so. Phoebe tries to ogle his goodies.
Back at the Manor, Piper and Phoebe tell Prue she’s crazy. Prue doesn’t care because she trusts Bane and thinks they have to vanquish Litvack, regardless.
We cut to the Dream House briefly and then back to the Manor. Bane is in the bathroom and Litvak shows up there, but it’s only a telepathic connection. Litvack is at the ~*DREAM*~ house and is sniffing his essence, or something, and using that to form the mental link. Litvack gets creepier when he says he also senses the essence of sexing a witch. He offers to spare Bane’s life if he kills the Charmed Ones.
Prue checks on Bane. He’s real twitchy and a little short with her. Downstairs, Phoebe has conveniently found Litvack in the Book of Shadows. There is no information on how to vanquish him. Piper says that there is no rush to go up against this demon totally unprepared, especially if Litvack doesn’t even know about them. Bane tries to casually suggest that he probably does because Demon Boss saw Prue’s power. He also tries to casually ask about the magic laser, saying he might be able to activate it. I’m not sure how that would help AT ALL, but okay.
Phoebe thinks Bane is lying. He huffs that it’s okay if they don’t trust him, but they should trust that he’s tired of all this supernatural crap and would do anything to get from underneath it. That’s what worries Phoebe. Prue jumps up to defend him AGAIN saying that she trusts him and they should trust her. Phoebe and Piper are like FINE and go off to get the weapon. Prue gives Bane a kiss and then follows after her sisters. Litvack appears via mental link again and Bane tells him that they are on their way.
Cemetery. Piper asks if this a good idea since they don’t have a plan. Prue says that sure they do and shares their stupid plan. Bane says maybe he should hold the weapon, so he can show it to Litvack as a sign of good faith. Phoebe says no, because double crossing is a thing that exists. She stands her ground until Piper tells her to hand the magic laser over, because they are either doing this or not. I mean, probably just go with not…?
Outside of the mausoleum, there is a plaque. In the death date, Bane turns three nines upside down, forming a 6-6-6 that opens the door. (S: Hahaha. COME ON.) He tells the 3Ps to wait for his signal and gives one final, “trust me.”
Inside, Litvack is reading. He turns the page with telekinesis, by moving his hand in a flipping motion right above the book, which seems like such a stupid waste of energy. JUST GRAB THE PAGE AND TURN IT IF YOU ARE GOING TO BASICALLY… oh, never mind.
Bane enters and hands over the weapon, hoping Litvack will spare him. Litvack says it’ll take more than just the weapon. Bane looks back and calls, “now!” and Piper freezes time. The girls comment on how too easy that was, so of course, Litvack didn’t actually freeze.
He says he’s immune to the parlor tricks of witches (for no actual reason) and that Bane knew that and betrayed them.
Steph: Litvack uses this brilliant line to describe Bane’s betrayal: “He showed his colors. His true EVIL colors.“
Mari: This show is so good.
Phoebe is pissed. Litvack starts very slowly creating a fireball and says the Source will be real happy about this. Prue says, out loud, that something doesn’t seem right. She tells Piper to unfreeze Bane, which she does. Bane takes in the scene and turns to Demon Boss. Prue tells Litvack, who apparently didn’t hear the “UNFREEZE BANE” part to tell the Source they say hello. Litvack turns around just as Bane activates the Magic Laser in Demon Boss’s hand. Litvack turns on his own Magic Laser, but Bane ducks out of the way. Litvack and Demon Boss just kill each other in a show of amazing horrible effects.
Two minutes for them to vanquish a higher level demon immune to their power with no spell. LOL. OKAY.
Steph: They should cut out the magic and demons and transform this show into the drama about relationships that it really wants to be. That would shave off about 5 minutes from every episode.
Mari: Prue rushes to Bane’s side and Piper asks WTF just happened. Prue says that Bane saved their lives. See, Litvack is telepathic, so he had to pretend double cross them so Litvack wouldn’t suspect anything. Piper asks how he knew Prue would figure that out and they smile as he says that they trust each other.
Steph: My feelings exactly, young Jim Carrey
Mari: Manor. Bane called Morris so they are waiting for him. Prue thanks him for saving her life and Bane thanks her for changing his. They kiss and hug.
P^3. Phoebe wonders what the Source is and Piper doesn’t want to know. (S: Me neither, Piper.) She admits that they read Bane wrong, as if that is truly their fault and not the fact that he broke out of prison and kidnapped their sister. But okay. They “read the signs wrong.” Prue arrives and happily says that Bane thanked her for changing his life. Her sisters gross about what a good *eyebrow waggle* influence she must’ve been. Prue asks how they found her anyway, and Phoebe explains about the botched sign spell. And we end with Piper saying she never needed a sign to know where her heart lies, as she looks significantly at Leo.
Then why. the hell. have you bothering us with this FOR ALL THE EPISODES?
Dammit.
Dream Count – 17
Trust Count – 12
Next time on Charmed: Piper tells Leo that she loves him in S02 E16 – Murphy’s Luck.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
I'm a miniature adult who still gets offered the kid's coloring menu at restaurants. I like to pretend I'm an illustrator, but mostly I spend my time complaining about TV on Twitter. My life dream is to have my consciousness placed into an android body so that I'll have more time to watch/read things.
