The OC S03 E14 – The Episode That Broke My Hate Barrier

Previously: Marissa and Julie tried working on their family, or something.
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The Cliffhanger

GFM: I have to start off by saying that I know that Willa Holland was Kaitlin Cooper long, long before she was Thea Queen on the Arrow, but to me, she will always be Oliver Queen’s little sister.

Marines: I hope she’s a better person on that show.

GFM: She isn’t, sadly. But she does wield swords, so.

Okay, now that I’ve got that out of the way, on to the recap.

We open on Sandy Eyebrows Cohen storming into Ryan’s pool house wearing an amazing bathrobe. He wakes Ryan up, in a panic because Seth is ‘gone’. Ryan does an excellent job of covering for Seth and he tells Sandy that Seth had an exam and he went to school early to study for it. Sandy doesn’t seem convinced, and Ryan tells him that he would tell him if something was going on with Seth.

Ryan finds Seth brooding at the Pier. Seth blew off his Brown interview and lied to Summer about it. And he’s also apparently smoking pot now (Read: he’s done it twice). (M: It’s still a gateway!) Seth’s worried Summer is going to be REALLY mad, because she thinks pot smoking is childish. Ryan puts it together that Seth was probably at the Pier so early to buy more pot, because apparently that’s the time of day dealers in the OC get going, and Seth is all ‘fine, I wasn’t going to smoke anymore anyway.’

Yeah, okay, buddy.

CALIFORNIA, HERE WE COME!

Mari: UM, I just spotted Morena Baccarin’s name in the credits. Best episode ever. I don’t even know what happens, but it’s the best.

GFM: That was my reaction to seeing her name there, too! 

After the credits, Thea Queen Kaitlin is in the Cooper trailer, trying to choose which bikini would be the best one to wear to a surf lesson with Johnny, when she and Marissa get into it over whether or not Marissa has feelings for Johnny. Johnny arrives to pick up Kaitlin and Marissa gives him a look that convinces Little Sister that clearly, Marissa is in love with Johnny.

Julie and Kirsten are going over the profiles for one of their clients and OMG I totally forgot about this matchmaking ‘business’ venture they had. I’m dying at this on-three-hole-punched paper dating profile print-outs that Kirsten is holding, and nearly miss that Julie is complaining about how Neil Roberts (you know, Summer’s Doctor Dad) is not interested in her anymore. Kirsten helps Julie hatch a plan and gah, I hate it when these two work together.

Mari: Something just feels a little off about Kirsten Cohen matchmaking.

GFM: At school, Summer is telling Seth about how well her Brown interview went and asks Seth how his went. Seth decides to keep being a lying liar that lies and says that he rocked his interview, too. Summer is suspicious, because Seth doesn’t know when to shut up and basically does the Nick Miller to get away from Summer’s further questions.

Elsewhere on this ridiculous campus, Ryan brings Marissa a giant takeaway coffee, which she leaves behind without taking a sip! The caffeine addict in me is very insulted by this. Because, coffee, guys. She’s leaving behind a fresh, perfectly brewed, new, coffee. If we needed any more proof of how evil Marissa Cooper really is, here it is, friends.

Mari: I feel like that at some point in an under caffeinated point in my life, I will remember this abandoned coffee and weep.

GFM: In exchange for Seth telling Summer about his university interview, Ryan has agreed to keep it quiet that Seth was smoking pot and asks Marissa to do the same. Instead of being concerned that she’s being asked to lie to Summer (you know, her best friend), about her boyfriend’s drug use, Marissa grumbles that once again, Kaitlin will be getting away with doing horrible things. Because apparently Seth got his pot from Little Sister. I think the League of Assassins would frown upon that, Thea!

 

Anyway, Ryan feels this is a bit of an overreaction, and Marissa assures him it’s just ‘sister stuff’. Yeah, okay, Marissa.

At the beach, Johnny is teaching Kaitlin to surf and she’s not impressed that they’re sticking to the sand. Johnny admits that he’s distracted by Marissa, because apparently 75% of the men in the OC must find Marissa attractive. I think it’s in Mischa Barton’s contract. I don’t get the appeal.

Mari: What? Have you seen those shoulder bones?

GFM: I have, and still I maintain the ‘I don’t get the appeal’ line. But I’m not a teenage boy of the OC. Maybe that has something to do with her appeal.

Kaitlin tells Johnny he should do something about it, but he says he can’t. Kaitlin tells him that if he won’t do anything about it, she’ll find someone that will.

After the NotABreak! Sandy and some guy are talking rather sexistly about recruiting doctors for their hospital by ‘plying them with women and liquor’. (M: All doctors are men, see?)

Some Guy tells Sandy that he might have an in with some other guy because Some Guy went to school with his daughter. Sandy wants them to come up with a better idea that doesn’t involve booze and sexual favours and like, seriously, dude? Two seconds ago that was your go-to strategy. Just stop talking already.

Julie shows up at the Roberts’ residence to present Neil with a binder of ‘Newport’s Bachelorettes’. Julie tells him that to thank him, she’s going to set him up. Neil starts browsing through the binder, and I’m secretly hoping this plan is going to blow up in Julie’s face because she’s terrible.

Back at Chez Cohen, Kaitlin is waiting for Ryan. Do these people not lock their doors? Or did one of the Cohen’s hired help let Kaitlin in?

Mari: Perhaps the hired help gets her giggles from letting everyone in all the time. I mean, I know I would find that hilarious.

GFM: Anyway. Little Sister has come to stir up shit for Marissa. She ‘helpfully’ tells Ryan that she doesn’t want to be trapped in the Marissa-Johnny love triangle and that Ryan has to do something about it. Ryan is still playing the ‘I’m reformed and not a bad ass’ card, but I clearly remember him punching a Dean RIGHT IN THE FACE earlier this season.

Kaitlin must’ve gotten through to Ryan, cuz in the next scene, he’s questioning Marissa in the diner about her feelings for Johnny. He tells her that she needs to sort her shit out and until she does, he doesn’t want to see her. Marissa tries to explain and Ryan just gets up and walks away. Harsh, man. Harsh. He means business this time.

Mari: Extra harsh, I think, because he’s trying not to use his fists. Probably that puts him in a bad mood. 

GFM: After the NotABreak!, it’s breakfast time at Chez Cohen. Seth is questioning Ryan about his brooding, wondering what Marissa, Johnny, Kaitlin, or all three have done this time. Ryan says that Marissa is on thin ice, but Seth reassures Ryan that she’s got good judgment or something and I LOL forever because NOPE. She absolutely does not.

Ryan questions Seth because he clearly has failed to tell Summer about the Brown interview, and Seth admits he chickened out. But he has a plan! He’s going to try to reschedule his Brown interview, cuz that’s a thing that happens in real life, and he promises again that he’ll tell Summer. For real this time, you guys!

Over at the trailer park, Julie is cooking what looks like… mashed potatoes and glue? Ha, nope. It’s grits. Kaitlin whines that although they live in a trailer park, do they have to go full trailer park and have to eat things like grits? Which reminds me. I’m confused as to how Kaitlin goes to a ritzy boarding school, Marissa goes to Harbour and they all can afford their fancy clothes, shoes, makeup, haircuts and yet they live in a trailer park? I feel like I’ve missed something.

Mari: I think the writers are compensating by being all, “but look! They eat grits!” Cool. Now we totally believe you, writers.

GFM: Anyway. Julie exists stage left, which gives Marissa the perfect opportunity to go all bitchface on Kaitlin. She’s pissed off that Kaitlin went to Ryan, and yeah, I get it. That’s not cool. But I really, really don’t like Marissa. She’s just a horrible, whiney, terrible person. To illustrate, Marissa tells her little sister that she was hoping they could be friends, but now she can’t wait for Kaitlin to go back to school. You better watch it, Marissa. Thanks to the beauty of crossover magic, Thea’s got ties to Malcolm Merlin.

Mari: Or Captain Jack! Sorry. I wanted to get in on the Crossover Magic too.

GFM: A+! Captain Jack has a special place in my heart. Forever and always, and I’ve watched Torchwood. 

Summer goes to see who I assume is the guidance counselor?… at Harbour. The counselor goes on about the great impression that Summer made during her Brown interview. Summer asks if the counselor knows how Seth Cohen’s interview went, and in a complete breach of professionalism and lack of confidentiality, the counselor tells Summer that Seth was a no show.

I get irrationally pissed off about the shitty quality of educators they have at Harbour. For a fancy school, they sure drop the ball when it comes to Human Resources. DO BETTER, FICTIONAL HIGH SCHOOL. C’mon.

In the next scene, Julie is going to thank tell Kirsten off for failing at scheming. Their plan has back fired, Doctor Roberts chose one of the bachelorette’s from Julie’s binder to be set up with. Julie has decided she’s going to dialup the crazy scheming and she also calls Kirsten ‘Kiki’. I hate it. I hate, hate, HATE when people call Kirsten ‘Kiki’. (M: SAME.) And Julie is also the worst. Always and forever. (M: I occasionally have a little, little soft spot for her…) This episode is bringing out all of my repressed hate for this show! We’re in a good place, you guys. I can feel it.

After the NotABreak! Johnny is sulking in his room about Marissa. His friend tells him to ‘take a shot’ and find out if Marissa has any feelings for him. Do teenage boys really talk to each other like this? I dunno.

Sandy and Kirsten are having dinner at the Yacht Club and they see Some Guy, whose name is Matt, enter with Inara! I’m so glad to see her finally turn up. Maybe she can save this episode! (Spoiler: she can’t. No one can). (M: I was so excited for nothing. Not the best episode ever.) Turns out this is Maya Griffin, the daughter of Some One Important, and the girl that Matt suggested using to get to her father or something. Sandy is not impressed that Matt is pursuing her after he clearly told Matt there were other ways to woo doctors into coming to their hospital. Strippers and booze is the better way to go, Matt!

Marissa meets up with Johnny on the beach. He tells her that he loves her, and he lays out all the evidence that he’s collected that proves that she loves him, too. She tries to protest, but he tells her she doesn’t need to say anything about it now, that she can think about it… Okay.

The next morning, it’s another fantastic breakfast at Chez Cohen. Summer shows up, and man, she does not look happy. She asks to speak to Seth alone, and that’s probably because she doesn’t want any witnesses for when she beats him up for lying to her. Seth tells her that he skipped out on the interview because he was scared. He says that he was embarrassed and didn’t want to tell her about it. She sympathizes with him, but tells him that they need to be honest with each other. She tells him that this is his opportunity to tell her anything else that he might’ve been keeping from her, and Seth chooses to keep his mouth shut about the whole smoking pot thing. Now, if I know teen dramas, and I don’t really, I figure this will come back to bite Seth in the ass. Am I right? I’m probably right. (M: Probably this very same episode too. Because drama and foreshadowing.)

After the NotABreak! Matt finds Sandy and is all ‘I didn’t think we were working this weekend’. Sandy comes right out and questions Matt about his date with Maya and that the Eyebrows does not approve of using daughters to get to their fathers. Matt tells Sandy that if he’s not cool with using people, maybe he doesn’t have what it takes to make it in the hospital biz.

Johnny comes to find Ryan. Apparently, it’s very important for Johnny to confess to Ryan that he’s in love with Ryan’s girlfriend. Kind of a dick move, there, Johnny. Ryan’s all, ‘What? Do you want my blessing?’ and no, apparently Johnny’s just coming to say that he’s sorry. Uhhh, if you were sorry, you wouldn’t have done it in the first place, Johnny, you dickwagon. (M: I honestly cannot believe that Johnny is still a thing right now.)

Julie is spying on Neil Roberts’s date in the most ridiculous attempt at being inconspicuous ever. She’s wearing huge sunglasses– inside the restaurant– and is dressed all in black, complete with a black head scarf. She’s on the phone, relating all the details of the date to Kirsten. Which, you know, is also not the best way to fly under the radar. Someone in the restaurant recognizes Julie, who also happens to recognize the lady that Neil has out on a date and hilarity ensues.

Marissa is brooding on a bench and Kaitlin finds her. Kaitlin tells her some story about their childhood and about how Marissa doesn’t trust her instincts or something. Marissa whines that maybe she’s just not built that way and I guess we’re supposed to feel sorry for her? But I so don’t. Kaitlin becomes my hero, because she basically tells Marissa to suck it up and make a choice.

In the next scene, Johnny is drying his hair from a shower or the beach or something. His mother comes in and tells him that he has just missed Marissa and she hands him a letter.

Marissa shows up at Ryan’s. He’s also been doing his fair share of brooding. She apologizes and Ryan’s upset because he assumes her apology is because she’s leaving him for Johnny, but nope. You’re not that lucky, Ryan. She’s chosen you!

Marissa tells Ryan that it’s not him, it’s all about her. Ummm, isn’t everything, Marissa? No surprises there. Ryan tells Marissa things aren’t going to magically go back to the way they were and Marissa’s all ‘but let’s have dinner– that’s a start’. And man, I just am hating ALL the characters in this episode. Thanks, Orange County!

After the NotABreak!, Johnny shows up at the trailer park. Apparently Marissa’s letter to Johnny did, in fact, explain her choice, because he’s upset and has decided the best way to work through those feelings is to ‘get to know’ Little Sister better. He invites Kaitlin to the beach for a bonfire and booze. Drinking and fires and open water!

 

Kirsten finds Sandy brooding at the offices of the Newport Group. She’s brought him dinner, and they talk about how if Sandy wants this hospital thing to work, he’s just got to go for it. Sandy says he’s worried about crossing a line, but apparently Kirsten isn’t worried about that, because ol’ Eyebrows always knows where the line is.

Back at Chez Cohen, Seth is blaring music and smoking pot. As you do.

Mari: He keeps smoking in his room. It’s like he wants to get caught. 

GFM: Summer shows up, banging on his bedroom door, and Seth quickly puts out his blunt and waves the smoke away, because that will totally get the pot smoke smell out of his room, clothes, skin and hair. Not that I have any experience with it, but pot smoke has a rather unique stench and is pretty recognizable. Or so I’ve heard. But okay, let’s go with this.

Summer’s brought some DVDs over to watch, so Seth suggests they take them downstairs. She does notice that he’s acting a bit strange and picks up on the smell, but Seth uses the age-old ‘I was burning incense’ lie, with an added bonus of passing it off as bad gas. Ew.

 

At the beach, Johnny is poking at the bonfire and drinking the tequila Kaitlin stole from her mother straight from the bottle. Kaitlin wants to hook up already, but Johnny’s not really into it. He talks about how the bonfire is dying (Oooh, a metaphor? Foreshadowing? Coincidence?) and Kaitlin says she’ll go find some more driftwood to ‘heat things up a bit’.

As she walks away, a sad song fades in and Johnny pulls Marissa’s letter out of his pocket. He reads it over and stares into the fire. Kaitlin returns without driftwood and asks him what the letter’s about. He dramatically says ‘Nothing I want to remember’ or something like that. He mumbles it and I can’t quite make it out. He throws the letter into the fire, and then wanders off up the beach to climb some rocky cliff, hugging the tequila bottle. Kaitlin points out that rock climbing and drinking doesn’t really mix. Neither does fire, open water and drinking, Kaitlin, but that didn’t stop you!

Back at the Cooper trailer, someone is knocking on the door and Julie is telling them to go away. Julie goes to the door, and it’s Neil coming by to thank Julie for setting him up on the date. Julie’s all ‘what do you want?’ and Neil’s very cliched reply is ‘You’. And I vomit forever. She invites him in to share hot pockets with her. Euphemism?

Mari: Definitely the hot pocket line was what made me want to vomit forever. Nope.

GFM: Back at the beach, Johnny is climbing the cliff. He’s doing a pretty good job, considering that he’s doing this while carrying the half-empty bottle of tequila. Kaitlin is pleading with him to stop and come down. He keeps telling her that everything will be fine, he’s not going to fall. Yeah. This isn’t going to end well.

Ryan and Marissa go back to Ryan’s pool house after having dinner and watching a movie with Seth and Summer. Marissa makes a comment about how Seth ate all their dumplings because LOL Seth has the munchies, you guys!

Marissa calls Ryan out for giving her the silent treatment. Ryan echoes Julie’s words from earlier and asks Marissa what she wants. Marissa tells Ryan that she wants him and they start making out and stripping down. Marissa’s mobile phone starts ringing and she checks the caller ID to see that it’s just her sister. The phone rings like two more times, so Marissa is all ‘I’ll get rid of her’.

Kaitlin begs Marissa to come help her because Johnny’s drunk and scaring her. Marissa passes the phone to Ryan. He asks if Johnny is really in trouble, and then they rush off to save the day. Probably.

A very high Seth is going on about how great a movie Save The Last Dance is. This should’ve been Summer’s first clue that Seth was on drugs.

When Seth continues to talk about how awesome the blue screen is, Summer clues in that something must be up with Seth. She goes to snoop in his bedroom and finds Seth’s stash of pot in his desk drawer.

Marissa and Ryan arrive at the beach, to find a drunken Johnny shouting things from the cliff as Kaitlin watches. Ryan finds another route up to the cliff top and the camera zooms in on “Caution” and “Hazardous” signs. You know. In case it wasn’t clear enough that this was a Very Dangerous Cliff.

 

Seeing Marissa just seems to agitate Johnny further, and then Ryan arrives to save the day, and Johnny’s shouting about how Ryan’s there to make Johnny look bad in front of Marissa, yet again. As the sad songs swells and the slow motion kicks in, Johnny slips from the cliff and Ryan lunges to grab him. We hear the tequila bottle smash on the rocks below and Johnny falls from the cliff, as the singer narrates this bit with the lyrics “I faaaaaall at your feeeeet”. Excellent choice in music, show. Well done.

We get one last look at Ryan’s face in slow motion, then the credits roll. What a cliffhanger! Get it? Cuz that’s the name of the episode?

Mari: Also, though, he fell off a cliff and these writers are kind of horrible for that. Also, also, I’ve been wishing this character away for a few episodes so this is awkward. 

GFM: Ugh, I hate everything about this show right now. It’s just terrible, horrible, and awful. I HATE IT ALL.

 

Next time on The OC: We find out if Johnny died in S03 E15 – The Heavy Lifting.