Previously: Creepy incest children were living in walls and murdering the faces off people who moved into their house.
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Criss Angel is a Douchebag
Kirsti: Sioux City, Iowa. Also known as the place where I first paid for accommodation on my own and freaked out that the Motel 6 was going to be all “Get out, child”. But no. Anysegue, it’s Iowa Celebrates Magic Week, and there are people on the street doing tricks with cards and doves and whatnot. At a bar, an old guy shows off his card tricks to the bartender AND OH MY GOD I’VE SEEN THIS EPISODE LIKE FIVE TIMES AND I JUST REALISED IT’S THE GUY WHO PLAYED BRAD IN ROCKY HORROR.
The bartender’s impressed, but another magician – this one wearing a cape that I’m pretty sure he borrowed from Fake Dracula – pooh poohs his tricks and gives away the secret and is generally a dick. His assistant tells him to STFU, but he won’t. “Can’t you just leave the old guy alone?” the bartender snaps. The old guy, Jay, sad pandas.
Marines: Being old is the worst.
K: It really is. Today I found an inch long hair growing out of my neck and was all “?!?!?!?!?! OLD AGE HAS FOUND ME.”
Cut to a theatre sometime later. A Criss Angel-y looking guy is running through his performance to deafening metal music to get the lighting right. Jay and two other old magicians watch from the audience. The other guys – Charlie and Vernon – call Criss Angel Wannabe a douchebag, which sadly serves only to remind me of how long it’s been since we’ve awarded a gold star around these parts. Also, Criss Angel Wannabe makes me want to rewatch the 2011 version of Fright Night in which David Tennant plays a very similar character in SPECTACULAR form and with very similar dialogue:
Anysegue, back to Supernatural: The old guys judge his performance, and Jay tells them to shut it because they’re all has-beens. Charlie gripes that magic used to be about skill, not flashiness. Jay doesn’t give a fuck, because Criss Angel Wannabe is headlining while they can’t even afford an assistant. He makes a spontaneous decision that he’s going to do the Table of Death that night. This leads to horrified gasps because he hasn’t been able to do that trick in 30 years and it’ll probably kill him. He doesn’t care because at least then he’d have a headline. (M: …but he’d be too dead to enjoy it?)
That night, Jay’s doing his act at a small cabaret-style theatre. Charlie ties him to the Table of Death, which involves him being chained down with a metal plate with ten blades hanging from it overhead. Kind of like a full body guillotine, but less choppy and more stabby. That’s a terrible description. (M: I liked it.) (K: I feel like Buffy would too.) An audience member checks the restraints, and Charlie worries that they’re too tight for Jay to slip. But Jay gives him the nod, and he holds a blowtorch to the rope holding up the metal plate. A curtain blocks Jay from the audience, but they can see his silhouette struggling to get free as the rope sparks and burns.
Elsewhere, Douchey Cape Guy and his assistant are leaving a bar. She reminds him that their show starts in an hour, but he waves her off and walks away. Jay struggles some more. The rope burns through and the metal plate drops. The audience see Jay’s silhouette get impaled and all gasp in horror.
Douchey Cape Guy grabs at his chest and falls to the ground dead. Charlie worriedly pulls back the curtain, and Jay’s standing on the other side all “TA DA!!!”. The audience cheer, but Jay looks confused. Meanwhile, blood pools from ten stab wounds in Douchey Cape Guy’s chest, though his shirt is unmarked.
CREEPY BIRDS!
After the Not Credits, Criss Angel Wannabe is doing card tricks on the street for an audience and a film crew. The boys walk up, and Dean echoes Charlie and Vernon’s earlier statement: “What a douchebag“. Sam has a semi-fanboy moment because Criss Angel Wannabe is sort of famous, and Dean eyerolls. CAW’s card trick involves fake demonic possession and some of the worst acting ever seen. It ends with him flinging cards everywhere, and the card the person picked is on the far side of a glass window. Everyone applauds, except for Dean who scoffs. Sam says magic takes skill, and Dean remembers that Mini!Sam used to love magic and used to do all kinds of tricks. He chuckles, and Sam looks shifty.
Dean, meanwhile, thinks magicians are kind of creepy because real magic would murder your face off, and they’re playing in adjacent waters. That’s their cue to go interview Douchey Cape Guy’s assistant. Dean asks if he had any enemies, and apparently he had buckets because he’d steal tricks from other magicians all the time. They ask if she found anything weird while packing up his stuff, and she shows them a tarot card. Apparently Douchey Cape Guy thought card tricks and tarot were totally cheap and lame, so there’s no way it would have been in his cape. Appropriately, it’s the ten of swords.
Mari: Perhaps somewhere Douchey Cape Guy is realizing that not all cards are cheap and lame.
K: Perhaps.
Jay’s hotel room. Charlie walks in and asks how he did the Table of Death trick. Jay basically has no idea, but after trying for years to pull an ace out of the middle of a deck, he can suddenly pull three. He wants to use his newfound luck to try The Executioner in his show that night. Charlie’s all “ARE YOU WHACK?” because even Houdini wouldn’t do that. He tells Charlie to check his shirt pocket, and Charlie pulls out the fourth ace. He’s impressed, and reluctantly agrees to helping with The Executioner.
At a theatre somewhere, Criss Angel Wannabe is interviewing Jay for his TV show, and gets his name wrong. Dean walks in and introduces himself to Vernon as “Special Agent Ulrich“, as in Lars Ulrich, the drummer of Metallica. He asks if Vernon knows anything about the tarot card found on Douchey Cape Guy, and Vernon says he hasn’t done magic in years. Dean asks if he and Charlie know of anyone who uses tarot in their act, and they share a look before directing him to a place on Bleeker Street and tell him to ask for Chief. Dean heads over to Bleeker Street where it turns out that Chief is a big burly dude who’s into BDSM. Dean’s been conned, and throws up in his mouth a little when Chief asks for his safeword.
Mari: If it makes Chief better, he’s probably already a better Dom than Christian Grey.
K: What, like it’s hard?
Meanwhile, Sam’s at the Motel of the Week. There’s a knock on the door, and he answers it to find a pissed off Ruby on the other side. She tells him that 34 seals have already been broken and there are way more important things to worry about than dying magicians. She suggests that someone – more specifically, Sam – should go after Lilith, seeing as she’s the one breaking all the seals. Sam says he’s down for that, but he’s not on board with what he has to do to give him the kind of power to do it. Ruby bitchfaces at him, and tells him that bajillions of people will die when Lucifer rises, and basically to get over himself. Then she storms out.
At the theatre, Sam asks Dean what he found out. Dean refuses to discuss it. Inside, Vernon and Charlie discuss how Jay’s totally crazy for doing The Executioner, but that there’s something in his eyes that makes them have faith that he can do it. Sam and Dean approach, and Dean death stares them over the whole Chief thing, which they find hilarious. Dean threatens to arrest them for obstruction of justice, and they’re all “Bitch, please” because you can’t con a con man. Dean comes up with the awkward cover story that they’re aspiring magicians looking for ideas for their new show. Vernon and Charlie press for more details, and there’s more awkwardness which is interrupted by Jay’s show starting. Dean’s eyeroll of relief is kind of fabulous.
Anyway, Jay starts The Executioner. Basically, he’s put into a straight jacket, and a noose is placed around his neck. He has sixty seconds to get out of the straight jacket or he dies. Sounds like a blast… As the clock starts ticking, we cut to Criss Angel Wannabe’s hotel room where he’s practicing poses in front of the mirror. There’s a noose lying around in the background, because of course there is. (M: This was weird. Douchey Cape Guy didn’t die by actual shabby contraption…) As Jay struggles to get free, we see the noose move.
Jay keeps struggling, and the clock gets closer and closer to zero. Dean panics that he’s not going to make it. The noose slides across the ceiling – the special effects are hilariously bad – and drops down over Criss Angel Wannabe’s head. It jerks him up into the air, and he’s left hanging from the ceiling fan. Jay throws open the curtain with a flourish and Dean cheers. Sam gets “NO SERIOUSLY, WTF” face and says “That was…not humanly possible.” Fade to black.
After the Not Commercial Break, the boys are doing research at the Motel of the Week. Sam infodumps that Jay used to be a big fucking deal in the magic world, but then he got old. (M: So sad.) Dean suggests that Jay’s using real magic to stage a comeback, and Sam says it could be some kind of death transference spell involving tarot cards. Dean says that he wants to die before he gets old because old age is gross, and Sam’s horrified by this. Dean points out that they’ve both died already, and I’m sorry I can’t not use this gif:
Sam wonders if they’ll still be hunting when they’re sixty, and the way this trainwreck of a show keeps getting renewed? ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE ohgodhelpme. (M: OMG, recapping from the retirement home is going to be our old and doing magic tricks…) (K: Based on that neck hair, I’ll be in the retirement home before we reach season 5…) He’s oddly wistful about it. Dean, on the other hand, thinks they’ll both be dead. Proper dead. (Again, not likely with the codependency issues these two have.) Besides, he doesn’t want to end up like Gordon or Travis: so obsessed that they can’t do anything else with their lives and end up getting eaten. Sam’s all “Yeah, but Bobby?”, and Dean doesn’t think he’s that great a role model. (M: HE’S THE BEST ONE YOU GOT.)
Sam says that maybe they’ll be different, that there’s a way they can win. Dean’s all “The fuck are you smoking?”, and Sam says they need to cut the head off the snake. Dean points out that the snake is essentially a hydra and when you chop off one head, a ton more pop up. Sam sad pandas. Dean tells him to investigate Jay further while he goes to check out the tarot card lead.
Later, they meet in a hotel lobby. Dean fills Sam in on Criss Angel Wannabe’s death, and mentions that he totally stole the tarot card that was on the body. Excuse you, that’s evidence. (M: lol, cute.) They realise that both victims were douchey to Jay, and Dean asks where he is. Sam looks sheepish because apparently he’s incapable of keeping tabs on a 60 year old. They head upstairs and break into Jay’s hotel room. They demand to know what kind of magic he’s doing to not be dead, and he’s hella confused because his magic is all card tricks and shit. The boys exchange a “this is weird” look when he doesn’t attack with magic.
Cut to shortly thereafter, and they have Jay tied to a chair. The boys stand off to one side – with their backs to Jay because apparently they’re idiots?? – and have a whispered conversation about how it’s clearly someone who wants Jay to do well, so they should look into Charlie and Vernon. Sam suggests asking Jay what he thinks, and when they turn around he’s slipped the ropes and vanished. They both facepalm a little, then head out the door to chase him down. But Jay’s smarter than your average Winchester and was hiding in the bathroom. By the time they reach the lobby, the police are there waiting for them. Womp. And fade to black.
After the Not Commercial Break, Jay tells Charlie about how the boys said his act was killing people. Charlie pooh-poohs it and tells Jay to hurry up because his show’s sold out and people are waiting. Jay says he believes the boys, and admits that when he said he wanted to do the Table of Death, it was a suicide attempt. And he has no idea how he got out alive. Charlie gushes that in his day, Jay was the best magician he ever saw, and now Jay’s right back up there again and it’s awesome. He ushers him out on stage, and Jay performs the Table of Death again. The result is the same as before, only this time, the victim is Charlie. Jay looks devastated.
In the hotel lobby, Jay meets with the boys and Sam thanks him for dropping the charges. Jay says he should have believed them about his show killing people, because now the guy who was basically a brother to him is dead. He wants to find who’s responsible. Sam tells him that it’s probably someone close to him, and asks if Charlie and Vernon got along. Jay insists it can’t be Vernon, and then hopes it isn’t because Vernon’s all he has left. (M: It’s okay, bro. It’s probably not Vernon.)
Up in Vernon’s hotel room, he gets a call from Jay and heads out to meet him. Once he’s gone, the boys break in and start going through his stuff. Sam gushes because it’s “like a magic museum“. Down in the theatre, Vernon informs Jay that he’s been given headliner status for the rest of the festival. Jay says he can’t do it, and Vernon insists that it’s what Charlie would want. Jay snaps and asks if Vernon killed Charlie, their friend for 40 years. Vernon’s confused and insists he’s not responsible, but Jay keeps firing accusations. Then he’s interrupted by a voice from behind him. “I wouldn’t be so hard on him, Jay. He didn’t do it,” says the voice. The camera pans around to show us a guy that we’ve never seen before.
Back in Vernon’s room, Dean announces that while there’s a ton of magic stuff there, there’s no MAGIC stuff there. Then he finds a poster of a young magician – the same guy, incidentally, who just told Jay that Vernon didn’t do it – and is all “Huh…”. Sam’s confused, but Dean points out that the young man in the poster has the exact same birthmark as Charlie. Dun dun duuuuuuuuuuun. Fade to black.
After the Not Commercial Break, Jay and Vernon are all “THE FUCK??”. Young!Charlie informs them that being young is amazing. They ask how old he is, and he replies “Right now, technically, about 28, but I’ve been around a lot longer than that.” He’s old enough to have worked for P.T. Barnum (who died in 1891), and apparently Barnum gave him a grimoire full of real magic. He thought it was all bullshit, but then he tried some stuff and it worked HURRAH. Then he found a spell for immortality and figured he’d give it a crack.
Mari: If Barnum didn’t use it for himself, probably something was wrong with it..?
K: I’m guessing “gave it to me” is code for “I stole it when he wasn’t looking”.
Jay’s horrified and asks if that’s what he’s doing with the show. Young!Charlie says that’s a different spell but it gives him a taste of what real magic can do. Jay’s all “YOU KILLED PEOPLE” and Young!Charlie has zero fucks to give because the people he killed were douchebags. He used them, he says, to give Jay a gift. To save his life. To make his show popular again. He’s always been there for them, though they didn’t know it at the time. He assures Jay and Vernon that life is better the second time around, and says he wants to make them immortal too. They’re all “EW, NO”, but he keeps pushing, saying he doesn’t want to lose them and they can be together forever.
He’s interrupted by Dean saying that immortality’s a neat trick. Young!Charlie says it’s magic, not a trick. A noose appears behind Dean and drops over his head, yanking him up off the ground. Sam shoots at Young!Charlie, but he catches the bullet in his teeth. Sam, dude. SHOOT AT THE ROPE THAT IS STRANGLING YOUR BROTHER. Young!Charlie insists that he’ll stop as long as they leave him and his friends alone. Sam’s all “HAHA, NO” and attacks. Young!Charlie throws him towards the Table of Death.
Suddenly, Young!Charlie doubles over, and blood pours from his stomach. He reaches into his pocket and finds a tarot card. He looks up to see Jay pulling a knife from his own stomach. Sneaky trick, Jay. Young!Charlie’s disappointed that Jay would choose strangers over him and dies. Sam checks on Dean, and we fade to black.
After the Not Commercial Break, they’re in a bar. The boys thank Jay for what he did, and he’s all “I killed my best friend, please don’t thank me”. Sam asks where Vernon is, and Jay says sadly that Vernon left and doesn’t want to speak to him ever again. Dean insists that he did the right thing, but Jay’s not so sure. Charlie, who was basically his brother, offered him a gift, and he threw it back in his face. (M: That’s a selective memory version of events. Your basically brother WAS KILLING PEOPLE.) (K: Don’t poke the plot holes) He walks out, leaving his playing cards behind him. Dean decides it’s beer o’clock. Sam says he’s going to take a walk.
Except that “walk” is actually a euphemism for “going to see Ruby”. He gets into her car, and says that he’s down with the killing Lilith plan. She’s surprised and asks why he changed his mind. “I don’t want to be doing this when I’m an old man,” he replies. TOO BAD, SAM, BECAUSE THIS SHOW IS NEVER GOING TO GET CANCELLED HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA help.
This episode is kind of fillery. Magicians freak me out a little bit, so I’m not especially into the storyline. The idea of magical immortality – I’m betting horcruxes are involved – is a fun one, but it’s not explored until the very last minute. The rest of the episode is all “OMG DYING MAGICIANS WHUT”, and I just…don’t care. Essentially, the best thing about this episode is the title.
Mari: I feel kind of douchey for admitting that I didn’t care a lick for these old people problems but I mean… it just kind of fell flat for me. I get that it was a good way to spur Sam into action, even though Dean said there is no way to win. Sam wants to try and that’s a pretty Sam thing to do. That’s pretty much all I can say for this episode, though.
Next time on Supernatural: Sam and Dean go back to high school in S04 E13 – After School Special.
I'm a 30-something librarian and I still live with my parents because I'm super broke. Leader of Team Heartless Cow. I have an inexplicable love for 90s television, eat too much chocolate, and read more than is good for me.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
