Previously: Christian Grey hates jeans because they keep him away from vaginas he wants.
—
Marines: A chapter is starting, so a character is waking up. Grey screams, “no!” and I find it oddly hilarious that EL tells us that the scream, “bounces off the bedroom walls and wakes [him] from [his] nightmare.” That rude scream bounces off the wall and probably bopped him on the head.
Grey wakes up and can still smell the “stale beer, cigarettes and poverty” from his nightmare. He can smell the poverty. Usually we’re being facetious when we use the “I hear poor people smell bad” tag, but leave it to Grey to think that poverty is actually a smell.
This is the fourth night in a row he’s had nightmares of smelly poorness. Grey has some major meetings today and he hasn’t gotten enough sleep. Plus, he has to play MF golf with his personal trainer and that pisses him off because he always loses. This is the second time he’s mentioned hating to play golf and I don’t know what’s happening. This is like the time Ana randomly told us she thought horses were fiends of Satan, or whatever.
Jessica: Rich people play golf. Grey is rich. Therefore he has to play golf, whether or not he likes it. I wonder if EL James, now rich, has felt the same compulsion to take up Rich People Hobbies and similarly disliked it. Like, maybe she’s out there somewhere right now, playing polo and thinking “fuck this shit.”
Alex: Meanwhile I’m just over here wondering why a personal trainer would make you play golf, of all things.
Mari: Well, this is the personal trainer who got an Olympic gold medal in a non-Olympic sport, so his ways are not our ways.
Grey CLAMBERS out of bed and goes to the kitchen for some water. (J: All hail the return of the clamber!) He catches a glimpse of himself in reflection and turns away from it in disgust as he reminds himself that he shot Anastasia down. Alex mentioned this is comments last week: this whole book is told in the first person, but weirdly, James has chosen to only italicize certain thoughts? Even though they are mostly all his thoughts? So, Alex decided that the italics are the disembodied thoughts of Dick de Grey.
Alex: Thank you so much for absorbing my theory into the official Snark Squad head canon!
Mari: How could I not? Observe:
“It was for her own good,” Dick de Grey says. And truly, turning Ana down probably was. I can imagine that absolutely anything that keeps her away from a penis that has disembodied thoughts is a good thing. (J: Although she does have a gymnastically-inclined inner goddess endowed with random furniture, so…)
Grey thinks that if his shrink were back from vacation, he would call him. “His psychobabble shit would stop me feeling this lousy.” Well, dude, is it shit or is it effective? Because it sounds like it’s effective and you are a jerk about it. Also, is anyone surprised this is how Grey treats his mental health issues?
“Grey,” Dick de Grey calls out from his pajama pants definitely hanging on his hips, probably in some unidentified way, “she was just a pretty girl.” Yeah, Grey. Buck up. Dick de Grey gets excited over just about anything. Like bagel crumbs.
Grey considers getting a new sub because it’s been too long since his last one. He thinks about calling Mrs. Rape in the morning since she always finds him “suitable candidates” (J: Gross) but Grey doesn’t want suitable candidates. He wants Ana. (J: GROSS (because he wants to trick a non-suitable person into becoming his submissive)) He thinks maybe asking her out to coffee and then being all, “STAY AWAY FROM ME!” was a mixed message? Maybe standing there with his eyes closed sniffing her but then being all, “EW STOP” was raising her hopes only to disappoint her? Maybe he shouldn’t have asked her a billion times if she had a boyfriend only to be all, “I DON’T DO THE GIRLFRIEND THING”? He’s not sure but PERHAPS.
Since there’s a small, small chance he did something weird, he figures he’ll send Ana an apology present and then he can move on. He leaves us this with last thought before a line break: Leaving the glass in the sink for my housekeeper to wash, I trudge back to bed.
OH THANK GOODNESS. I thought for a second you might wash that glass. You start doing crap like that, Grey, and soon you’ll reek of insufficient funds.
Alex: But then maybe people will stop making you play golf?
Mari: Not a big enough pro to being smelly and poor.
After the break, the radio alarm jolts to life. Ana once told us his bedside lamp came to life so I’m going to steal the gif we used in that recap, if I may:
Sorry, I don’t want to recycle jokes BUT A LIVING BEDSIDE LAMP AND ALARM CLOCK. THE ONLY EXPLANATION.
Jessica: Holy double crap, you’re right! Grey is the Beast/former bratty prince, Ana is Belle who loves books but is a bit odd, and the East Wing is forbidden because of the red room. 0_0
Alex: My mind is blown.
Mari: The Beast Grey is still awake and super mad about it. The radio news program is a distraction for about 3 seconds before a news item reminds him of Ana once again; a manuscript copy of Jane Austen’s The Watsons is being auctioned off in London. Remember that Ana likes to read books? Grey remembers. And suddenly, despite always being a hugely uninformed doucheasaurus about the classics, Grey says he loves them too! But for different reasons. He doesn’t actually say what reasons. Just reasons.
And wouldn’t you know it, Grey owns two first edition Thomas Hardys. He brings them out and tries to decide between Jude the Obscure and a set of Tess of the d’Ubervilles. “Both are bleak books, with tragic themes.” (That weird comma belongs to EL, by the way.) “Hardy had a dark, twisted soul.”
“Like me,” Dick de Grey offers.
Alex: I’m dying. Attributing all the italicised sentences to Grey’s penis has made this excruciatingly dull chapter a thousand times funnier.
Mari: Survive how you can, friends!
Grey decides on Tess because there is no redemption in Jude. I haven’t read either and their unfortunate association with this series doesn’t really make me want to change that. Anyway, Grey knows that it isn’t a romantic book but Tess does have a brief taste of romantic love “in the bucolic idyll that is the English countryside.” OH SHUT UP, GREY. Not only is your inner voice unrealistic, it’s pretentious and stupid. I mean, bucolic:
So, yes, thank you. You would probably have a countryside experience in the English countryside. (J: A+)
ANYWAY. Grey is going to send her a book and he thinks about how her broke ass has probably never even seen a first edition. He’s feeling well pleased with himself and gets ready to go running. Apparently, he didn’t have to pass anything that would remind him of Ana, because we don’t go running with him. (J: He probably listened to Moby.)
Instead, we join him during a car ride. He’s leafing through Tess trying to pick out a quote.
Alex: This sentence made me throw up a little bit because who the fuck just ‘leafs through’ a first edition from 1871 (yes, I Googled it) in the back of a a fucking car? I bet he’s not even wearing gloves.
Mari: He’s telling us all about how he used to read a lot when he was a teenager.
“My mother always marveled that I read; Elliot not so much.”
That makes it seem like his mother marveled but Elliot did not. But no. James means that Elliot didn’t read because he was happy and rich and happy people don’t read, I guess. Way to pretty much insult anyone READING your BOOKS, Erika.
Taylor announces that they’ve arrived and reminds Grey about his Evil Golf Game later.
Alex: And Grey just ‘nods’ in response and gets out of the car. Would it kill him to say ‘thank you’ to his hard-working and probably really hot bodyguard once in a while?
Mari: Poor Taylor.
Grey goes inside and the “young receptionist greets [him] with a flirtatious wave.”
“Every day… like a cheesy tune on repeat,” Dick de Grey says, even though he doesn’t have ears and presumably wouldn’t understand a cheesy tune on repeat.
Also, shut up, Christian. What the hell is a flirtatious wave? HOW ABOUT A FRIENDLY WAVE? HOW ABOUT A “THIS IS MY JOB AND THE BOSS JUST WALKED IN” WAVE?
The elevator dude greets him but it isn’t flirtatious or annoying at all. Grey actually makes small talk.
Jessica: There was a great theory by weaselsoup in the comments of the last recap about how Grey actually is surrounded by caretakers who are extra nice to him because he suffers from delusions, so all these people who are super into him actually are just being polite. This seems to confirm that. It also confirms my theory of the 3 people who aren’t instantly infatuated with Grey, one of which is other dudes. Because apparently an elevator guy can be ‘friendly’ but a woman is automatically ‘flirtatious.’
Alex: We also get this totally random snippet of small-talk with Barry the elevator guy where Grey asks if his son is doing any better. You just know this an attempt by E. L. to make Grey seem human and caring, but since she doesn’t bother to expand on this whatsoever in Grey’s inner monologue it just comes across like Grey couldn’t actually give a shit about Barry or whatever’s wrong with his son.
Mari: It’d be great if Barry didn’t even have a son. Maybe Grey asks him everyday how his non-existent son is and Barry has just started saying random things like, “he’s totally better!” Survive however you can too, Barry.
Grey’s secretary tries to tell him about the day’s schedule but he stops her because no one cares about running this business and especially not Christian Grey. He wants to speak to Welsh and a double espresso. He tells Andrea to get Olivia to make it, but Olivia isn’t around. Grey is relieved because while homegirl can apparently make a killer espresso, she’s always mooning over Grey. God, wouldn’t someone obsessive like that be totally annoying? Imagine if they started to act on those obsessions and did things like, I don’t know, stalk someone. Run background checks. (A: A+)
Andrea asks if he would like milk with his coffee.
“Good girl. I give her a smile.
“Not today.” I do like to keep them guessing how I take my coffee.”
I’m sure she goes home at night and just wonders how the hell you really like your coffee right after she’s done considering the meaning of life. He’s such a maggot.
Alex: He tells us that Andrea looks pleased with herself and that she’s the best P.A. he’s ever had. Just because she asked if he wanted milk. I think it’s safe to say that Andrea must be another one of poor delusional Grey’s nurses.
Mari: Andrea gets Welsh on the line and Grey demands to know when Ana’s final exam is as a matter of priority. Second priority, keeping all dem hos off balance about your coffee choices. Busy, full day.
We cut to Ros the Lesbian (and apparently the COO, which I don’t remember ever knowing in FSoG…) talking about Darfur and I suppose Grey’s plan to feed the hungry. Ros pretty much did all the work and Grey’s input is basically, “let me know if I have to bribe someone.”
The next order of business is a new plant they want to build. Detroit offers big tax breaks and Grey objects. We know it’s because that’s the city of his childhood trauma, but Ros insists and Grey goes with it. This actual meeting is interrupted because Welch has quickly obtained the stalker information. Ana’s final exam is the next day. Grey tells Andrea she has an hour to get him a blank note card and I bet she’s out there going, “OH MY CATS, first the coffee mystery AND NOW THIS? My job is the hardest!” Jokes though because working for Grey would in fact be the hardest. (J: Some sort of penis joke should probably go here.)
Olivia walks in with lunch and Grey has a bunch of commentary about how she’s the absolute worst but at least she brought him a tuna fish sandwich and isn’t a total screw-up. This isn’t a joke; that is his actual commentary. Like, eff your whole life, Olivia, but you brought me tuna. You done good.
Grey takes a bite of his chicken-of-the-sea and assures himself that he’s done the right thing warning Ana away. He’s picked a quote and decides to leave the “men-folk” out.
Why didn’t you tell me there was danger? Why didn’t you warn me? Ladies know what to guard against, because they read novels that tell them these tricks…
Unless of course they are reading these novels that tell them these tricks are the best forever.
Alex: I laughed so much at Grey telling us he’ll leave the ‘men-folk’ part out because you just know someone must have called E. L. James out for misquoting in the previous book and this is her way of trying to explain it away.
Mari: Excellent catch.
Grey writes Ana’s address, “which is ingrained in my memory from Welch’s background check.” I know a lot of you in comments have started wondering if EL does this crap on purpose. Like maybe she knows she’s written the worst character ever and is purposefully making it worse. 99% of the time I don’t believe that and then she goes and reminds us of the background check and makes sure to tell us that’s how Grey knows Ana’s address. If she were trying to make Grey sympathetic, surely that would be a thing NOT to say. I mean, don’t say anything. Have Grey write the address and MOVE ON. But no.
Jessica: I can only think two things about this. 1) ELJ thinks it’s romantic that he’s so invested in Ana he ordered a background check (even though he’d only met her once) or 2) It’s a Thing Rich People Do. But like, super-duper rich people.
Mari: The world may never know.
Grey calls Andrea into the office and gives her instructions on getting the books to Ana by the next day. He was so worried about making these a final exam gift but he didn’t actually say anything about the exams in the note? Or maybe he was “worried” about her leaving town but I can’t imagine not knowing Ana’s location would actually worry Grey. IDK.
The last thing is that Grey asks Andrea to find replacement first edition books for him. Andrea smiles.
“Why is she smiling,” Dick de Grey asks. Probably because she knows this is a terrible gift.
Grey wonders if he’ll ever see these books again and has to acknowledge that deep down, he hopes he will.
WHAT? You mean to say this isn’t an actual stay away from me gift? I’m so shocked. Everything is different now.
Trauma Flashback:
We last left Ana after the rogue bicyclist so we’re still in chapter 4. Basically, while Grey and his penis were trying to work out what to do about Ana and what book to send her and all that, here’s what Ana did:
– Go home and cry.
– Be awful to Katherine Kavanagh.
– Dream of gray eyes and dark places.
That’s it. See you next week!
Baby Count: Again, 0, but Ana is back next chapter so fingers crossed!
Favorite Comment Last Post: I’m more interested in what Grey’s Cock thought of the whole encounter in the coffee shop… What did it order?; What are its interests? (who cares about Ray);etc –
Next time on Grey: Grey goes to Portland for some hiking and cell phone tracking on Friday May 20, 2011.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
I'm a thirty-year-old postgrad living in Scotland. When I'm not writing (which, between my degree and Snark Squad, is almost never) I watch entirely too much TV, and live in constant fear of the day that I run out of things to watch.
I'm a chronic book nerd and love storytelling in all forms. I'm particularly excited by the rise of the television show as an art form with long, cinematically beautiful plots and complex character arcs (I also watch cartoons). My travels in the past handful of years have led me through three continents and most recently landed me among the majestic mountains of Colorado. Some day I will compile all my travel journals/blogs into one place. Some day. Until then, you can find me with craft beer in hand, ready at any moment to deeply and passionately discuss survival tactics for the zombie apocalypse.
