Grey Chapter 05 – LEAVE KATE ALONE

Previously: Grey sent Ana a gift so she’d “stay away from him,” but not even he believed that lie.
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Jessica: We start with Grey standing in front of the bathroom mirror, contemplating how much amazing sleep he’s gotten lately and thinking about Ana. He says “As I shave, the asshole in the mirror stares back at me with cool, gray eyes” and before I finish the sentence my brain has already leapt to OH GOD HE’S SHAVING HIS ASSHOLE YOU GUYS. And I realize I’m ruined forever. I hope you’re happy, Mari.

Alex: In case you were wondering, the italicised outbursts from Grey’s penis while he shaves are ‘Liar‘ swiftly followed by ‘Fuck‘. Maybe that razor got a little too close for comfort.

Marines: Maybe since Grey was shaving his asshole and his penis was like, “LIAR” Grey threatened it with the razor and then it was like, “fuck!” 

…

This has gone too far.

J: Next he walks into the kitchen and orders an omelet from Mrs. Jones. Then he takes time to read The Times-es of New York and Seattle, as well as the Wall Street Journal. Because he’s a businessman, see. He’s rudely interrupted from his newspaper reading by a phone call from his brother Elliott who, much like Katherine Kavanagh, seems to be a huge jackass. “What the hell does my big brother want?” Grey thinks, staring at the phone with what must be disgust. And this is how he is with his family folks. His family.

Elliott, unlike super sophisticated hardware store-loving Grey, is very bro-like, saying things like “dude,” “junk,” “chick” and of course, “bro.” You can tell the Americanisms team was all over this one. (M: “Bros love their junk, Erika! Trust us!”) Anyway, Grey’s annoying brother wants to hang out with him, a suggestion that Grey immediately twists to his own use by suggesting they go to Portland. You know, because the girl he’s stalking lives there, though he keeps that part to himself.

Then, THEN he has the temerity to think “As to the women [Elliott] associates with: whoever the unfortunate girl is, she’s just another in a long, long line of his casual liaisons.” Whoa there, Grey. Careful, someone might consider that thinking romantic. And also, pot, meet the fucking kettle!

After the break, Elliott’s still being a total dick by sleeping in the car. Jeez. Grey reckons this is because all Elliott cares about is “working and fucking.” Again, how are you any different? Just because the girls you’re fucking are tied up?

Alex: Come on, Jessica, be fair. Grey doesn’t care about working.

Mari: A+. Obviously, we shouldn’t take the guy who draws up elaborate sex contracts seriously when he accuses others of investing a lot of care into fucking. 

Jessica: That’s true, actual business work isn’t all that high on Grey’s priority list. His true business is his kinky sex life, which is rife with contracts, negotiations and deal closing.

While Elliott’s sleeping, Grey makes some calls on his handsfree car phone (ooooh fancy). He calls Andrea to order that mountain bikes be waiting for him and Elliott on arrival, then calls Taylor to bring one of his other cars down. Then he turns the music up super loud like a jerk.

Alex: LOLing forever at Grey now listening to the Verve. Apparently E. L. James doesn’t know of any bands that were formed after the 1990s.

Mari: She’s been too busy learning about soil science to Google it, too.

J: Grey starts thinking about Ana, whether she got and liked the books he sent her, and if she’s done with her exams. Elliott wakes up and they get to talking about their dad, who used to take them mountain biking. Grey thinks about his amazing academic-jock father, who adopted three kids but apparently out of them Grey “didn’t live up to his expectations.” Oh man, does his father know what a terrible human he raised? His adopted father was his hero, until he hit puberty and apparently became a huge dick and never stopped being one.

Grey and Elliott then have a really stilted page of dialogue that is just so, so painful. Essentially, Elliott’s under the impression that Grey keeps his dick to himself, and Grey acts like an asshole. Elliott also “bleats” at one point. Seriously:

“You really want to know?” I shoot him a glance.
“Nah,” he bleats and I laugh at his apathy and lack of eloquence.

Seriously, that’s what she wrote. Seriously.

Mari: 

 

J: A+. That is probably Elliott’s exact expression in that scene.

We learn that Elliott is an “eco-warrior” and so I guess a bro-hippy of some sort. They’re silent for the rest of the trip, except at the very end where they briefly discuss the Mariners baseball team.

Alex: And Grey suggests they watch a baseball game to give Elliot’s dick a rest. I think these two brothers need to stop talking about their dicks so much. It’s weird.

Mari: You figure if you hear the thoughts of your own dick, though, you’d probably be real sensitive to the plight of dicks the world over.

J: He’s definitely imagined a personality for his own and Elliott’s dicks.

Now they’re mountain biking. Grey seems to have changed his tune, like entirely flipflopped from his ideas in the car driving down. Now he says he admires his brother, and is disappointed that they’re going too fast on mountain bikes to enjoy the scenery. Um, you fucking ordered them, Grey! On the way back, the bikes remind Grey of when he saved Ana’s life from that cyclist, and something about her scent and boobs.

Mari: Namely, Elliot says mountain biking was totes fun, for a clothes on activity. Grey thinks, “no, but holding Ana for 2 seconds and sniffing her was the most fun.” 

Weirdo.

J: On the elevator, they check their texts and emails. Riveting! Ana hasn’t called Grey yet about the books and he’s sad. Elliott is ignoring a girl who is blowing up his phone.

Alex: But luckily he decides it can’t be because she’s pregnant, because they’ve only done it a few times. I think Elliott may need some basic sex education.

J: Elliott, or the author who created him?

The brothers watch the baseball game together and there’s way too much detail about it.

Mari: My favorite part is that in the middle of telling us about it, “go Mariners” is randomly italicized. Dick de Grey is very serious about his baseball.

J: Dick de Grey loves the Mariners! But not like, in a romantic, Rochester/Heathcliff kind of way.

Afterwards, he gets a call from Ana and this makes him happy. But he can tell by listening to the background sounds that she’s in a loud place, like a bar. HOW DARE SHE.

This is the drunk dial. She asks him why he sent her books and is slurring, which makes him even more upset. When he asks if she’s been drinking, his first questions to himself are about who she’s with, not her actual physical well-being.

Alex: And his first instinct is immediately to blame Kate for whatever’s going on. Of fucking course.

J: Now we’re supposed to believe he cares about her safety in Portland in a bar. I think it’s supposed to be endearing that he wants to know if she’s ok, but it just comes off as annoying.

Mari: Mainly because he’s basing this whole thing on this: She’s a young woman, drunk, somewhere in Portland. She’s not safe. 

Basically: 

J: She hangs up on him and he stares at the phone because no one has ever done that to him before. Ever! Wow, that Anastasia, am I right?

Elliott’s shocked that anyone would drunk dial Grey (whaaat? with his glowing personality?) and Grey calls Ana back. She answers and the background is quieter, but Grey just yells into the phone that he’s coming to get her, then hangs up himself. Rude.

Mari: He didn’t actually have to inform her that he was going to stalk her whole life and find her. The entire purpose of this call was so that he could hang up on her and he wouldn’t be outdone. Because that’s the kind of bubbling douche pit that he is.

J: Elliott wants to meet the person with the Steele (see what I did there?) balls to drunk dial Grey, so Grey has to go into the other room to call his tracer guy, because even he feels shame about Elliott knowing about it. He almost uses the company guy, but changes his mind at the last minute.

“I know this is outside the law, but she could be getting herself into trouble,” it says next. RAGE! This is a grown woman, who you barely know and just ….. uuuggh, what a horrible excuse that gets used way too often to control people. Worst.

At the bar, Grey has to endure students (ew) and their “indie crap” that is thumping from some speakers, and it all makes him feel old. Red flag, dude! (M: I, however, get to enjoy the return of “thumping indie rock music.” I guess it isn’t indie to EL if it isn’t also thumping…?) Grey spots that bitch Katherine Kavanagh at a table with only men. WHAT A WHORE.

Mari: That’s why Grey doesn’t even care that she too is a young woman, drunk in Portland. By his logic, she isn’t safe either, but OH WELL. She sits at tables with only men. 

J: She’s bringing it on herself, clearly, with her choices of clothing and company. But he suspects sweet, innocent Ana is just under Kate’s whorespell, and needs/deserves rescuing.

He and Elliot go up to her, and Katherine insists on interrupting him with dumb things like greetings and wondering who Elliott is. Grey begrudgingly introduces Elliott and since I’m Team Katherine Kavanagh forever, I’m a little excited here as they meet for the first time. Also, you can tell Grey’s a little pissed that Katherine is more interested in looking at Elliott than him.

Katherine points Grey outside for Ana, while she and Elliott “engage in a grin-off.” Sure. Grey goes outside and sees Ana with “the photographer.” He hears Ana say no to Josecob, and steps up all “I think the lady said no.” Honestly, this is the one and only time Grey does anything good. If only he hadn’t been in Portland for the sole purpose of stalking Ana, or gotten to the club without tracing her cell phone. If only after this, he didn’t ignore every other time she said no.

Ana hurls chunks, causing Josecob to curse in Spanish, because of course. (M: I actually just ranted about this. HISPANIC PEOPLE DON’T ALL RUN AROUND SHOUTING DIOS MIO.) Grey holds her hair back, then walks her away to a different, darker area where “she can puke in peace.” And later be murdered in peace, probably.

Alex: Grey inspects her vomit and concludes that she hasn’t eaten, which pisses him off. I just… I can’t… NOPE.

Mari: See, because Jose is the kind of guy who would force himself on you BUT jump away when you puke. Grey is the kind of guy who would force himself on you, but examine your puke to make sure you are eating. So he can also force you to eat. 

J: Eeew. This scene just got more gross, which I hadn’t even thought possible. Pass me that booze, please.

Josecob is ignored into the background, and Grey can tell Ana is embarrassed, so he decides to “have some fun” with it. She apologizes and he asks what for and she answers, “The phone call, mainly. Being sick. Oh, the list is endless.” Um, pretty sure that’s the end of the list, girl. Also, she mumbles this. Lest we forget she mumbles things.

Grey wonders for a moment if she’s an alcoholic, but she frowns and tells him otherwise. Then he picks her up and is mad at how little she weighs. Dick. She wants to tell Katherine Kavanagh where she’s going, but Grey says his brother can do that, because, “My brother Elliott is talking to Miss Kavanagh.” Seriously, who talks like that? How did he and Elliott grow up in the same house talking like two ends of terrible extremes?

Mari: I remember recapping this scene for FSoG and wondering how the hell Grey knew what Elliot was doing. This is the kind of payoff we can expect now that we have all this awesome back-story: Grey went inside first. 

There you have it, friends! This book needed to happen, clearly.

J: MYSTERY SOLVED!

Ana insists she not just abandon her friend, so Grey leads her inside, thinking horrible thoughts about Katherine Kavanagh.

Alex: I am so over all the Kate-hating, you guys. Ana is a grown woman who drank too much. Kate isn’t her goddamn babysitter. It’s not even like Kate abandoned her drunk friend in the club. She watched Ana go outside with an old friend she described as being ‘like family’ a couple of chapters ago. The fact that he decided to take advantage of the situation is decidedly not Kate’s fault. Nothing is Kate’s fault. LEAVE KATE ALONE. And I haven’t even touched on him constantly thinking about what a good friend Ana is to her.

J: I’m about to make a LEAVE KATE ALONE video after this chapter. I could certainly muster the emotion.

Kate is now on the dance floor. That bitch. Ana suddenly clutches his arm and his heart shit-stops. Well, almost. He gets Ana a glass of water and gets sad over how much he likes her. “She’s oil on my troubled, deep, dark waters,” he thinks.

Mari: …what? She doesn’t mix with you and probably kills all the wildlife in your waters? What does this actually mean? Is this a real saying?

J: Grey pulls Ana through the crowd of dancers over to “where Elliott and Kate are making a spectacle of themselves.” What assholes. Grey tells Elliott to tell Kate he’s taking Ana home, then leads “Miss Drunk Bookworm” out of the dance area, shortly after which she passes out. He wants to throw her over his shoulder but that would be “too conspicuous.” #ThingsAMurdererWouldSay.

He gets her into his car then decides that the best course of action is to take her to his hotel because 1) where she lives is far away, 2) he doesn’t want her throwing up in his fancy car and 3) we all know why. Even he does, telling himself he’s doing it for her sake while his inner not-quite-murderer/Dick de Grey replies “Yeah, tell yourself that, Grey.”

Grey takes Ana into his apartment and decides she’s way too stinky from vomiting, so he needs to change her clothes. Ugh. He decides bathing her would be crossing the line. Uuuuugh. Not good enough excuses to take an unconscious person’s clothes off!!!

Alex: He makes a point of telling us that he removes her jacket ‘without her cooperation’ too, just so that we can be in absolutely no doubt about how much Ana did NOT consent to being undressed by a near-stranger.

J: He takes off her pants and then imagines them fucking. Wrong, so wrong. He starts talking to her but all she can do is mutter nonsense back at him. He puts her in bed and sniffs her— good news, she smells like apples again— and then runs one finger down her cheek before leaving. I take a break and try to defuse my rage-smash urges.

Grey texts his background check guy to run one on Josecob, because just stalking this girl is not enough, he has to do it to her acquaintances too.

Alex: So, just to recap what I’ve learned from this chapter…

Trying to kiss a drunk friend = You’re the absolute fucking worst. You are probably a dangerous sexual offender who needs an immediate background check to make sure all women around you are safe from your predatory advances.

Illegally tracking down a girl you had coffee with once, taking her away from her friends when she falls unconscious, driving her back to a strange hotel room, stripping her down to her underwear, kissing her hair and stroking her unconscious face and then finally getting into bed with her = You are a hero! She’s so lucky you saved her from that other guy!

Mari: Basically! It’s very similar to the other lesson of this chapter…

People like Elliot and Katherine who are friendly, sleep with other consenting adults and/or sit at tables with members of the opposite sex: WHORES. SLUTS. USELESS PEOPLE WHO CARE FOR NOTHING BUT FUCKING. GROW UP. 

People like Grey who fixates on one girl at a time, who dedicates himself to illegally tracking her down, taking her away from her friends when she falls unconscious, driving her back to a strange hotel room, stripping her down to her underwear, kissing her hair and stroking her unconscious face and then finally getting into bed with her = SWOON. 

J: This is my face right now:

Next, Grey sends an email to Taylor about getting new, fresh clothes for Ana. Instead of just typing a sentence like that, we get THE ENTIRE FUCKING EMAIL including from/to, subject line, date, time, etc. The emails have returned, everyone. The emails have returned.

Grey then texts Elliott and laughs at the comment that he needs to get laid, and agrees. Then he starts checking work emails. Because apparently emails are important enough to end a chapter in which your two main characters in your romance novel are together in a hotel room for the first time.

 

Trauma Flashback:

– Turns out, all this happened in chapter 4 in FSOG. For some reason, ELJ decided to make this an entire separate chapter for Grey. Probably because we got all that amazing background bleating chatting with Elliott to help flesh out the character of Grey.

– In Ana’s chapter 4, after the near-death/hair-smelling incident, she returns home to an “inquisition” by Katherine Kavanagh in which KK asks her how she’s doing. So let’s not forget that both Grey AND Ana are insufferable when it comes to poor Katherine.

– In “Grey,” he has 3.5 pages’ worth of time to talk to his brother, decide not to stalk using the company tech guy, call his sketchier background check guy, make it all the way over to the bar, talk with Katherine Kavanagh and judge her for being next to males, before he makes it to Ana. In FSOG, she basically hangs up with him, has another drink, walks outside with Josecob and BAM, Grey is right there. Like a creepy Batman.

– The line “I tracked your cell phone, Anastasia” is in here, and if you’ll recall, in FSOG Ana’s Inner Goddess whispers “Stalker” at this point. But then forgets or something because that doesn’t change anything.

– Ana was also judgmental of Katherina Kavanagh and Elliott dancing together. JERKS.

– Ana’s chapter ends with her passing out at the bar while Grey yells “Fuck!” Grey’s chapter ends where he undresses her while unconscious and then answers work emails.

 

Baby Count: 0 this time too. He was probably too busy tracking Ana’s cell phone.

Favorite Comment Last Post: “Grey tells Andrea she has an hour to get him a blank note card and I bet she’s out there going, “OH MY CATS, first the coffee mystery AND NOW THIS? My job is the hardest!”” In my headcanon, much like the headcanon that gave us Taylor the Red Power Ranger, Andrea is actually out there going, “You gave me an hour. To find a blank note card. In an office…NOPE CAN’T FIND ONE GOTTA GO OUT TO THE OFFICE SUPPLY STORE AND GET A MANI PEDI ON THE WAY PLUS LUNCH AND IT’S ALL GOING ON MY EXPENSE ACCOUNT.” – Acy

 

Next time on Grey: Alex has to suffer through the longest chapter ever and the first sex scene on Saturday, May 21, 2011.