Grey Chapter 07 – Sex idiot.

Previously: We suffered through the longest chapter ever and nothing else is worth repeating.
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Marines: Hi, welcome back. Have a drink if you are playing along at home because Christian Grey just woke up with a start to start the chapter. This fine morning he’s experiencing a pervading sense of guilt.

“Is it because I’ve fucked Anastasia Steele? Virgin?”

I laughed for five solid minutes. Anastasia Steele: VIRGIN.

Grey checks the time so probably you should drink again. It’s after three in the morning and Ana is fast asleep. Grey says that his body “stirs” as he watches her and this is my mental image:

He thinks about how he could definitely wake her up for more sex but Dick de Grey speaks up. “Grey,” it says sternly. “Stop this nonsense.” And by “this nonsense” I guess he means thoughts of having more sex with Ana? Because his next thoughts are that “fucking her was merely a means to an end and a pleasant diversion.” “More like incredible,” the penis thinks.

J: Jeez, penis, make up your mind. … #SentencesINeverThoughtI’dType

Mari: Grey tries to go back to sleep but he keeps hearing and smelling Ana and is overwhelmed but the memory of his “first vanilla fuck.” I’m sorry, but that will never not sound like a really bad ice cream accident to me.

Things get more confusing when Grey remembers Ana’s “unbridled enthusiasm for sexual congress.” Sexual congress? Who is really turned on right now?

Because Grey knows that Ana is into sexy congress, or whatever, he also knows she is a “sexual creature,” and thinks she will be a joy to train. His cock twitches in agreement.

Alex:  Gross gross gross. ‘A joy to train’? Like some kind of sex puppy? And let’s not forget that Ana hasn’t actually agreed to be ‘trained’ in anything. GROSS.

Jessica: More back-and-forth flip flopping. Ana is described as innocent but also carnal. She’s super into it, but also knows nothing about it. Basically, she’s a sex idiot.

Mari: Grey gets out of bed, telling us in great detail that he picks up and throws away the used condoms.

“Climbing out of bed, I collect the used condoms from the floor, knot them, and dispose of them in the wastepaper basket.”

Of all this, I’m most offended by “wastepaper basket.” I don’t think I’ve ever heard a human actually call it that.

Alex: Maybe that’s a Britishism, then, because ‘wastepaper basket’ is definitely a thing people say here. But to me a ‘wastepaper basket’ is something  you keep under your desk for the odd bit of scrap paper. Used condoms have no business going in there. Take them to the bin in the bathroom, Grey, you gross fuck. Or at least wrap them in a tissue first! Poor long-suffering Mrs Jones shouldn’t have to see your bodily fluids when she’s emptying the bins.

Mari: Hers is the greatest tragedy of this story.

Grey puts on some pajama pants, grabs a drink of water, checks his email (J: Shots!) and then sits down at his piano. He blah blah blahs about how good he is at piano playing and how it helps him escape. I don’t know if he’s mentioned it four times already, but he’s robbed Anastasia Steele: Virgin of her innocence and he doesn’t want to think about how ca-razy that is. He plays some Bach until Ana shows up. They chat a little about the emo piece he was playing. Well, she calls it “melancholy,” as she did in FSoG, and now we get his thoughts to go with it:

“Melancholy? It wouldn’t be the first time someone has used that word to describe me.”

Oh, crap, wait. He’s going to flashback us into the last time someone called him melancholy: Leila (Ghost of Submissives Past) is kneeling next to Grey while he works. She asks if she can speak freely and he grants her permission. GSP notes that Grey is melancholy and wonders if there is anything she can do. Um, that’s it. That’s the whole memory.

Cool.

J: Not sure if it is part of her submissive deal, but she also structures her sentences really weird. “Sir, you are most melancholy today.” I don’t know why exactly, but that annoyed me a lot.

Mari: Grey orders Ana back to bed again. On the way there, Ana tries to make small talk about Grey’s piano playing but he shuts that down because it involves talking about his childhood. Grey turns the light on in the bedroom and they now see that they fell asleep on bloody sheets. Ana’s embarrassed so Grey makes a joke about how that will give poor Mrs. Jones something to think about. Though I have a feeling peeling ginger root and washing butt plugs is what really sends her brain into overdrive, this is also another reason Grey should probably pay her millions of dollars.

Alex: Yet another in a long, long, LONG list of reasons why Christian Grey is the absolute worst. Seeing how embarrassed Ana is about this, he could easily have just stuck the sheets in the washing machine now. But it doesn’t even cross his mind, because he takes it for granted that Mrs Jones will be happy to have even more bodily fluids to clean up.

Mari: He gets to make Ana uncomfortable AND make his housekeeper’s life even more miserable all in one swoop. What a guy.

Next, Grey wants to comfort Ana and spread some wisdom about how she shouldn’t be embarrassed about her body.

Alex: That’s putting it too kindly. What he actually says is “I’m about to give her a short lecture on how not to be ashamed of her body”. Wow. I don’t know about you guys, but to me there’s nothing sexier than a ‘lecture’ on how I should feel about my own body. Also, how does not wanting to make the housekeeper clean up hymen-blood have anything to do with being ‘ashamed of her body’?

Mari: Definitely what we need more of in this world is men giving women lectures about their bodies.

Ana reaches out to touch his no-no zone (chest), so he steps away from her. He orders her into bed and it’s so gruff that Ana’s feelings are hurt. In order to make it up to her, he puts on a t-shirt so they can cuddle. Ana “scrambles” into bed. On the next Do You Own a Face, I’m going to ask people to scramble into and clamber out of bed. I’ll take volunteers in the comments. Don’t all volunteer at once.

Anyway, Grey and Ana spoon. His plan is to get out of bed as soon as she’s asleep but she makes him happy, see? He falls right to sleep, straight into a happy childhood memory: his mother, the crack whore, singing and making bacon and waffles.

Alex: The crack whore is singing a Tina Turner song! That doesn’t have any relevance at all. I just really like Tina Turner.

Mari: When Grey wakes up he smells bacon and he’s a little confused until Dick de Grey helps him out. “Ana,” it reminds him. He checks the time because checking the time is the second most frequent thing Grey does in this book, right after genital twitching. That’s a guess.

Out in the kitchen, Ana is wearing one of Grey’s t-shirts, making breakfast and dancing around. Her hair is in braids, because if you’ll remember, she purposefully styled it that way to look younger and try to keep herself “safe” from Grey.

J: 

Mari: Ana isn’t wearing any underwear, which Grey appreciates with a mental, “good girl.” I’m sure he’s giving her a mental doggie treat and belly rub too, but again, that’s just a guess. Grey thinks that Ana is one of the most uncoordinated females he’s every seen in his life, but it’s cool, because if he hits her a lot, her coordination will improve. What he actually says is “I think of all the ways I can improve her coordination,” but I don’t think anyone reading this thinks he means adult ballet or beginners karate. He’s thinking ginger root. (Never gonna let that go.)

Ana notices him and freezes. He greets her and notes that she looks even younger in her pigtails. Ana says she slept well and while he doesn’t admit it out loud, Grey did too. He wonders when the last time he slept that well was. “Yesterday,” DdG reminds him, allowing EL James to remind us YET AGAIN that Grey sleeps real good when Ana is in his bed. Sexual healing.

Ana asks if Grey is hungry and he says yes but in his head thinks, “and I’m not sure if it’s for breakfast or for her.” Because of course we wouldn’t be spared the “I’m hungry but not for food” thing in this book, even though it’s told from a different POV. Grey can tell that Ana is embarrassed since he caught her having a dance party. He thinks the best way to deal with this is to tease her about her dancing and tell her it was very entertaining. Ana pouts at him and turns back to whisking the eggs.

“I wonder if she has any idea how disrespectful this is to someone like me… but of course she doesn’t, and for some unfathomable reason it makes me smile.”

YOU LOOK AT ME WHEN YOU WHISK EGGS. DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?

Alex: I’m constantly in a heightened state of rage whenever I’m reading this book, so it starts to feel kind of pointless to keep mentioning things that make me angry. But for some reason this really pissed me off. I assume that by “someone like me” he means a Dom? But she isn’t his submissive, so why the fuck would it be disrespectful for her to turn her back on him (when she’s making him breakfast, no less)? Does E. L. James seriously think that this is how being a Dom works? That you just expect submission and obedience from everyone you meet, and find it ‘disrespectful’ when anyone turns their back on you? I suppose by “someone like me” he could instead be referring to the fact that he’s a bigshot CEO billionaire, but that’s not any better.

Mari: None of it is better.

Grey sidles up to Ana and pulls on a pigtail, saying that they won’t protect her from him. #ThingsA(child)MurdererWouldSay

Some more of the dialogue is repeated here as Grey says he likes his eggs whisked and beaten. Maybe when Grey freaked out because Ana liked her tea weak and black, it was because he bases all of his food choices on his sexual tastes. Ew, this could go into a disgusting place. Forget I said it.

Grey sets the table and tries to think back to the last time he set out placemats. “Never,” DdG responds and seriously, is it the only one paying attention here? Grey usually has his submissives double as maids but today he’s got to set those placemats himself because Ana isn’t his submissive yet. Grey asks Ana if she wants tea. She accepts and Grey pulls down a box of Twinnings. Ana is upset because this makes her seem like a “foregone conclusion.” Probably with anyone else, having a box of Twinnings in your pantry wouldn’t be suspicious at all because as Alex said, it’s Twinnings English Breakfast Tea. You can’t get more generic. However, Ana is right because Grey had Mrs. Jones specifically buy it before he even knew Ana would come back to his place.

Grey thinks Ana shouldn’t talk about herself that way.

“I add her self-deprecations to the list of behaviors that will need modifying.”

I’d like to modify his face. With my fists. (J: A+ and seconded.) (A: Get in line.)

They finally sit down to breakfast and Ana winces as she sits. Grey asks how sore she is and again here is a place where knowing Grey’s thoughts makes it worse. It might seem like this is a compassionate thing, but only insomuch as it applies to Grey. See, he wants to have sex again, but not if she’s too sore.

Alex: Ugh. Sure, having sex for the first time might be a little painful, but it should definitely NOT make you so sore you can’t sit down the next day. But of course, last night Grey actually told her he WANTED her to be sore in the morning. Everything is horrible.

Mari: Ana makes smart remarks about being sore because she gets pissy when he asks after her but not when he kidnaps and undresses her. Grey clarifies that he’s asking because he was wondering if they should “continue your basic training.” Ana is shocked by this and Grey assumes it’s because she didn’t know you could have sex during the day. I mean, I guess that’s not a terrible assumption considering this girl didn’t know you could touch yourself.

Grey orders Ana to eat. Her eggs and bacon are delicious and Grey is all, “wow. She can cook.” It’s eggs and bacon, though.

J: But I mean, based on all those descriptions of her clumsiness, I’d be surprised if she could manage toast without electrocuting herself.

Alex: I’m just giggling at Grey describing the food as tasting “mighty fine”.

Mari: Ana asks about that whole puppy training thing and Grey mentions working on her “oral skills.” Grey offers to get her clothes so she can stay the night, but Ana has to get home that evening. We spend the next page with Grey getting angry because Ana won’t eat. He demands, she eats, and finally breakfast is over.

Ana gets a phone call and Grey ogles her while she takes it. Grey pauses his ogling long enough to worry about who Ana is talking to. Ana ends the call and wanders over to ask if they NDA covers talking to Kate about sex-basics. Maybe if she had read it before she signed it, she would know. Grey asks her not to talk to Kate since Kate is sleeping with Elliot.

Grey asks how last night went for Ana and is happy to hear that she enjoyed it. Off they go to the bath. Once they are in, Grey asks Ana to stop biting her lip (for the third time this chapter) because it makes him want to have sex and they can’t because she’s sore. The implied part of that is of course that he has no self control and couldn’t possibly be expected to keep it in his pants when there’s lip biting happening.

J: Also, how is her lip not chewed off at this point? ELJ is getting real creative too in this chapter describing Ana’s lip biting, including gnawing and worrying, like she’s a dog with a bone.

Mari: Please don’t try this at home.

Grey bathes Ana and blah blah blah she’s perfect. He works her into a tizzy and then stops because he’s got other plans for her. This part about Grey’s penis is copied and pasted from FSoG and it’s still as ridiculous as it ever was:

“I want you to become well acquainted, on first-name terms, if you will, with my favorite and most cherished part of my body. I’m very attached to this.”

It’s even more hilarious now that we have named it Dick de Grey and also it has all the best thoughts.

Alex: Still laughing forever and ever at this. I want to get this line printed on little business cards and then hand them out to any women who continue to say that Christian Grey is their ideal man. I’ll be like ‘Really? The guy who said this is your ideal man? Please take a moment to read over that line again and I’ll just wait over here while you reconsider all your life choices’.

Mari: A+

Ana looks from penis to buttface back to penis back to buttface and seems to form some sort of conclusion. Remember, this is when she invented oral sex. We’re witnessing the magic happen. Ana bites her lip and DdG exclaims, “Ana Steele, seductress!” That’s Ana Steele, Virgin actually, but whatever.

The BJ starts in earnest and Grey says one word between every thrust, so you know things are getting good. Ana is the best ever at this and then it’s over, thank God. Right after he’s come, Grey wonders if maybe Ana has done this before and the idea that she’s isn’t 100% inexperienced in everything freaks him out. It’s cool, though. This is Ana’s first time because the romance novel heroine gets to be inexperienced but naturally gifted.

J: So much anger. This is stupid.

Alex: So last chapter he was practically blacking out with rage because he found out she was a virgin. Now he’s upset because she’s too good at giving head and might have done it before. Can this guy please just make up his fucking mind about what he wants?

Mari: Spoiler alert: never.

Grey and Ana make out for a bit and Grey begs her to say yes to his shady arrangement. He determines to “dazzle her further” aka manipulate her with sex. Grey fetches the super famous gray tie and ties Ana’s hands. He comments on her pigtails again and in his head thinks about how they definitely won’t stop him. He sees through the rouse of his sex partner trying to separate herself from him by making herself look younger; it will not work on him.

The next part of this sex scene is basically the same, same, same crap and none of Grey’s thoughts make much of a difference. We just get things like, “she’s turned on. Good.” or “she mewls and her hips start to move.” or “I will have to teach her to keep still,” etc.

Alex: My personal highlight from this scene: “Her eyes are wide and her mouth is open, moving alternately from a small to a capital O”.

Mari: That one you can try at home.

Grey admits that “tit for tat is not [his] usual style,” meaning that he has 0 craps to give whether his sexual partner enjoys herself in equal measure, if at all, but today is a special day and Ana is a special lady. I’ve been skipping over pages and pages of Grey kissing Ana’s legs or something, but then we get two paragraphs of a ruthless tongue on a clitoris and BOOM. Come and done. Thank you, let’s move on.

Hey remember when Grey was all, “we shouldn’t have sex because you are sore?” He doesn’t! He puts on a condom and slips it in. Four sentences later she comes again. Straight after, Grey asks her again to say yes to his shady sex contract.

This manipulation is interrupted when Taylor and Grace, Grey’s mom, arrive. Grey jumps up and throws another used condom in the wastepaper basket. (A: NO) Grey asks Ana to come out and meet his mom, telling her to just put on some of his clothes. It goes from asking her to come out there to telling her to get her butt out there or else he’s going to drag her out in whatever she’s wearing.

Grey goes outside and greets his mother who apologizes because she didn’t know Grey had company. Grey tells Taylor that he’ll “deal with” his mother from here, which is a douche thing to say when your mom is standing right there. Grace says she was shopping downtown and stopped by for a coffee.

“She has often stopped by for coffee and there was a woman here… she just never knew.”

Um, not to overplay a joke here but: #ThingsAMurdererWouldSay. “Mom, you never knew there was a woman here because I kept her in my dungeon. Or because she’s dead and her bones are in my wall.”

Grey says Ana will join them momentarily and Grace is all, “A GIRL?” because remember everyone thought Grey was gay. Grace is really nice and says she’ll go right after she meets Ana as she doesn’t want to interrupt. Grey asks why Grace isn’t at church and basically this is only here so Grey can be all, “GOD IS THE WORST,” or whatever. Because he’s dark and tortured.

Ana shows up and Grace is very nice to her as well. Ana is sitting for a second before she excuses herself to take a phone call. Rude. Grey keeps talking to his mom, but of course he’s not really paying attention because he’s trying to creep on Ana’s phone call. He hears Ana telling José that now is not a good time. Grace keeps talking and Grey is freaking out about what José could possibly want. Grace takes a hint and says her goodbyes, irritating Grey when she smiles at Ana. I don’t know. Whatever. Grace leaves.

Grey is pissed about José calling but then gets distracted when Taylor comes in with news about Darfur. It’s my goal to never even try to understand what the hell is going on in Darfur and every time it’s mentioned, I’m going to skip a few sentences. So, I know Grey calls Ros about Darfur but…

Alex: All I gather is that there’s some kind of problem with the Darfur thing and Grey thinks that it’s his fault for not checking his email often enough. Dude, you’ve checked your email on pretty much every other page of this book. You’re definitely checking it enough.

Mari: For the love of all that is holy, please do not check it any more.

After he momentarily worries about Darfur, Grey is back to worrying about Ana. He grabs the contract and gives it to her, suggesting she also do some Internet research. Ana’s all, “but I don’t have a computer!” and remember that when she said it in FSoG, we were all, “LOL. WHUT.” Perhaps this is Erika’s attempt at acknowledging how DUMB that is:

“No computer? How can a student not have a computer? Is she that broke?”

A-ha. It’s a poor person thing. I mean the computer is one thing but Ana also never had an email address, remember? Because poor people. Maybe that’s why she never had an orgasm, too. Sometimes you are so poor, you can’t have free things. Being poor is the worst.

Grey says they’ll grab lunch on the way back to Portland. Ana needs to make a phone call first and Grey snaps at her, assuming she’s going to call José. In his room he freaks out, wondering if this one phone call means that Ana is hung up on José and using Grey for his money. He has some momentary hope when he sees the tie and remembers that Ana seemed to enjoy that.

“There’s hope, Grey. Hope.
I stuff the tie and two others into a messanger bag along with socks, underwear, and condoms. What am I doing?”

You are packing… LIKEADICK. Because he knows that he’s going to stay at the Heathman between now and their next date to be near Ana. Grey buzzes Taylor and asks him to bring the SUV to Portland along with some more clothes for him. He asks about an Audi A3 and Taylor tells him is already ready. It’s the Submissive Special Audi, which means that even though Grey was just freaking out about Ana and the contract, he is pretty damn confident she’s going to be cool with it. He ordered her a car banking on it, in fact.

Next, Grey calls Barney to see if he has any brand new laptops laying around. He does! And he’s also going to set Ana up with a shiny new email address!

J: I just hope she knows how to use it, being poor and all.

Mari: That’s all done, so it’s time to leave. Ana is real nervous and fidgety and finally says what’s worrying her: she wants to talk to Kate about sex. Grey gives in and says she can talk to Kate, but only basically so Ana will hurry up and sign the contract and stop doing crap that annoys him like biting her lip, rolling her eyes, fidgeting, breathing, blinking, speaking and sometimes living.

On the way to Portland, Grey has many deep thoughts that basically amount to, “I had sex with this girl. I would like to do that again. I wish I knew what she was thinking.” Out loud, he asks if Ana is hungry. She says no but that doesn’t matter because they are going to eat.

The waitress at the restaurant is looking at Grey, which he immediately reads as “making eyes” at him. He’s pissed off as he orders two pinot grigios. Ana’s pissed off and Grey thinks it’s the waitress thing too, but Ana’s all, “I wanted a Diet Coke.” lol.

Alex: Rather than calling the waitress back to change the order, Grey just thinks that this is Ana’s fault for not speaking up and then tells her she’ll like the wine anyway. Just one of many, many times when Grey will do whatever the hell he wants and then blame Ana if something happens that she doesn’t like.

Mari: In order to distract Ana from how annoying it is that he ordered for her without thinking, Grey mentions that Grace really seemed to like her. He stresses how this was a weekend of firsts for him too because he let a girl in his room and in his abduticopter and let a woman out of his dungeon when his moms came over.

J: Careful, I might swoon.

Mari: Ana asks what vanilla sex is and Grey laughs at her. Ana looks crestfallen and he’s like, “…what?” I mean, I’d be crestfallen if someone were like, “ask me anything about sex!” and then I asked something and then they laughed at me. Ana asks why Grey has never had vanilla sex and he drops the bomb that his mother’s friend seduced him when he was 15. He was a submissive for six years. Ana asks if he never had a girlfriend in college and he didn’t because he didn’t want anyone and also Mrs. Rape would’ve “beaten the shit out of me.” Sounds healthy.

Grey keeps talking about how Mrs. Rape is totally still his friend, pausing only long enough to order Ana to eat some more. Ana tells him to give her a moment.

“What’s her problem? Elena?” 

COULDN’T BE THAT, RIGHT? COULDN’T BE YOUR CASUAL MENTION OF STATUTORY RAPE.

Ana asks if their relationship will be just him ordering her around and he’s like yes and also she will like it. Ana “tosses her ponytail over her shoulder” at that. This chapter is still going on so let’s all just imagine this:

 

Okay, onward.

Grey delivers a speech about how much he wants to do the sub thing with Ana and all that gets added to this copy paste is this thought from DdG: Woah. Big speech, Grey. Did you just ask her on a date?

Uh, yeah, also you just asked her into a sex contract which is probably a bigger deal.

Ana finishes eating and Grey adds another thing to work on if she signs the contract: her eating issues. Like, she just ate from three courses and had some wine and while I agree that Ana does have eating issues, at this point, I think she’s okay.

They finish their meal and finally make it all the way to Ana’s home. She invites him inside but he says no, saying to himself that he’s not boyfriend material and only boyfriends go inside people’s homes, I guess. Murderers go inside people’s homes, but mostly uninvited. (J: Yep. Pretty much, if you don’t want Christian Grey around, he’ll track your location and show up there. If you do want him around, he’s all like whoa whoa what am I, boyfriend material?) Ana is disappointed so he kisses her knuckles as a consolation prize. Grey opens the car door and suddenly Ana looks even more happy and Grey is confused.

“She marches up to her front door but before reaching the steps she turns suddenly. “Oh, by the way, I’m wearing your underwear,” she says in triumph, and she yanks the waistband up so I can see the words “Polo” and “Ralph” peeking over her jeans.
She’s stolen my underwear!
I’m stunned.”

You literally left her in your room and said, “grab whatever you need to get dressed.” WHY IS THIS SHOCKING? I mean, the most shocking part is that she wore them out without awkward bunching? I feel like maybe we talked about awkward bunching the first time around.

Ana feels real good about this so she tosses her hair again.

Anyway, she “swaggers” inside and leaves Grey standing there staring. When he recovers from the super shock over kind-of-stolen underwear, he gets in his car and hopes the briefs burglar will say yes to his sex contract.

We cut to Grey wrapping up some work and turning his thoughts to Ana. He checks his phone but has no missed calls or text messages.

Alex: But he does have an email from his assistant, Andrea, about delivering Ana’s new laptop. And it’s Sunday. I bet Andrea was having a really lovely weekend before she got asked to organise this. Andrea, honey, there are waaaay better jobs out there.

Mari: Grey types up an email to Ana on her shiny new email address, telling her that she can ask him any questions she might have before their NOT A DATE OKAY? date on Wednesday.

Grey decides to do some before bed reading… LIKEADICK.

“It’s a book by two renowned economists who examine why the poor think and behave the way they do.” 

“Why Poor People Smell Bad by Two Renowned Economists” maybe? (J: A+)

Anyway, reading about poor people brings up a memory of his crack whore mother but Grey tells himself not to go there.

On he reads about poor people.

 

Trauma Flashback: 

– In FSoG, we are told why Grey suddenly looks up and sees Ana standing by the piano: she gasps. Just standing there alone, thinking thoughts, and she gasps.

– While he’s having a mini-flashback about Leila in Grey, all Ana notices is that Grey “half-smiles.”

– In Grey, Christian replies tersely to questions about his childhood piano playing and figures Ana stops asking questions because she gets the hint. Instead, Ana is too busy conjuring up an image of “a beautiful, copper-haired little boy with grey eyes.” Her heart is melting and Grey’s like, “YEAH. I WAS RUDE. THAT’LL SHOW HER.”

– Pretty much everything from the sex scene in the bath and the bed was copied and pasted.

– While Grey goes out to meet his mother, Ana stays in the room and decides she really wants to meet Grace so she can try and figure Grey out a bit more. She gets dressed and takes a pair of “tight gray Calvin Kleins,” from Grey. In this chapter, Grey sees “Polo” and “Ralph” on the underwear Ana flashes. DETAILS ARE FOR LOSERS.

– While Grey is reading about poor people, Ana is talking to Kate about sex, packing her stuff, fielding calls from Jose and then chapter eleven is just the entire printed contract that I will never, ever read again.

 

Baby Count: 10
Cock Count: 5

 

Favorite Comment Last Post: 

Hi, I’ve lurked my way through all of your FSoG recaps and now this travesty. I can’t bring myself to read ahead so I’m right here with you, chapter by godawful chapter.

Two things: From the previous chapter, “One touch is all I allow myself as I stroke her cheek with the back of my index finger.” Well good! As long as someone is giving someone permission for something in this scenario.

Secondly, a genius pointed out that FSoG was immeasurably improved if you read all of Ana’s, “Oh My’s” in the voice of George Takei. I’m finding that it helps to get through this bilge if you add, “Like a dick,” to the end of any sentence in which Grey describes himself doing something.

“I go to my walk-in closet and find a pair of freshly laundered sweats… like a dick.”

“I order coffee… like a dick.”

“I pull out of her almost immediately…like a dick.”

Oh and! He shoves it in at the beginning of the sex scene and then pulls it out almost immediately at the end. He’s right you know. He does not make love. Because he has no fucking clue what he is doing. — Jen Hirst

 

Next time on Grey: Copy and pasted emails on Monday May 23, 2011.