Grey Chapter 08 – Plateau of terribleness

Previously: BJs, breakfast and stolen briefs, oh my.
—

Jessica: In a small paragraph that’s obviously just left over from last chapter, Grey informs us that he goes to bed sometime after 1 a.m. He’s excited to continue work on his new project – Anastasia Steele: Virgin.

Alex: Fucksake. He actually calls her “a new project”. We’re literally three sentences into the chapter and I’m already getting a rage migraine.

Marines: If you want to black out early, try thinking about whether incessant talk of training her is worse than “new project.”

J: Nothing is worse. We’ve just reached a plateau where everything is terrible.

Now it’s 6:35 a.m. and he’s running. Not from the police, but for exercise. This time he’s listening to “O Fortuna” from Carmina Burana and pondering whether or not Ana will respond to his email.

7:36 a.m. Grey has showered, eaten breakfast and is sitting in front of his computer, waiting for Ana’s email. This is kind of sad, guys. I’m imagining him like a golden retriever or something waiting at the door for his owner to get home.

He lists off all the other people he emails, and then we get to Mrs. Rape. Apparently he’s ignored her last several electronic messages, so he writes one now, ending it with “ma’am” and signing it simply “C.” He wonders what she and Ana would think of each other, (M: Um, is he seriously wondering what his new girlfriend would think of his statutory rapist…? OKAY.) then suddenly his computer dings with an email from Ana.

It’s pretty short, but she calls him “Sir” which he likes and which leads him to think she’s finally done some research into all this BDSM stuff. He fires off a quick reply, reiterating that she can ask him anything. At least if she asks this way, she can’t hear him laughing at her, right?

While he waits for her reply, Grey reads more emails. To those of you playing the checking-emails drinking game at home, please stop now; I fear it is not safe.

Mari: Neither is reading about every single damn email in his inbox. The things we do for the Internet.

J: Another Ana email- she doesn’t want to email him any questions and rejects the computer as a gift. Grey finds this annoying yet simultaneously a good sign that she’s not a gold-digger.

Alex: He also slips in a bit of casual misogyny, as he thinks about how rare it is to find a woman who isn’t a gold digger. Awesome work, Erika.

Mari: I mean, her misogyny is rather ninja. Slips right in with barely a sound!

J: Or you could describe it like a constant pummeling, that eventually becomes a drumming noise in the background that you barely notice, like a Britney Spears song you hear super soft in the dentist’s office.

This brings Grey into a flashback with Leila, the Ghost of Submissives Past. It’s a four-line piece of dialogue about him forcing her to wear some dress he bought. Grey moves on, saying that Leila was great and all but he just wasn’t into her, and now she’s married and happy so all’s well that ends well (cough). Grey sends Ana a “Laters, baby” email and can’t concentrate on any of his other emails.

Alex: Ana’s last email said they’d talk later because “some of us have to work for a living”, and Grey took great offence at the implication that he doesn’t do any work. However, given that he just had his assistant rearrange all his important business meetings so that he could stay in Portland and keep stalking Ana, I think it’s safe to say that work isn’t all that high on his list of priorities.

Mari: He literally sends her an email that says, “I work for a living too,” and the next line is, “I find it impossible to concentrate on my work…” and he just keeps waiting for Ana’s email. Hilarious. 

J: Grey gets all excited at the next email ping, but sadly it’s Mrs. Rape. She wants to know why he’s hanging out in Portland and he lies and says it’s work-related.

Mari: Elena’s email signature presumably has the name of her beauty salon in it and it’s ESCLAVA. As in the Spanish word for slave. The tag line is, “for the beauty that is in you.” 

Slave: for the beauty that is in you. As a bonus to this bullshittery, this is the salon that Grey owns and where he takes all his submissives for the submissive special.

J: Wow. I did not catch that but — wow.

Fortunately, now it’s off to meetings about soil science! Yay!

3 p.m. Grey is sort of working when Taylor shows up. Grey’s annoyed that Taylor isn’t Ana but gets over it. He gives Taylor some time off to spend with his daughter, and offers his help in clearing up any custody issues but Taylor quickly informs him that “you do enough,” probably not wanting any family members to end up dead. We also learn that Grey pays for the kid’s schooling, which explains why Taylor sticks around. Stay strong, Taylor! (A: I don’t want to give E. L. any ideas, but this series is just crying out for a Taylor spin-off.)(J: Absolutely. Taylor already has more character and backstory than these two miserable protagonists put together. And yes, that’s including Grey’s past with Crack Whore and Mrs. Rape)

5:20 p.m. Grey’s done with work and thinking of Ana, first imagining her expertly measuring rope at her day job at the hardware store, then picturing her tethered in his Red Room of Domestic Violence. This gets him hot and bothered enough to fire off a one-line email about how he hopes she had a good day at work, then going out on a run “to release this pent-up energy.”

BUT he doesn’t even get out the door before checking his email again. Seriously, someone has to do something about his email obsession.

Ana has replied that she had a good day at work. Please buckle yourselves in folks while following along this thrilling roller coaster of emotions.

Grey emails her back to chide her for emailing him instead of Googling ginger-root-in-the-ass or something. She replies. He thinks about that BJ she gave him last chapter and sends another email. Basically the entire back-and-forth these past several emails has been “you stop emailing me” / “no you stop emailing me” / “no you stop.” SIGH.

Since I don’t feel like recapping every single email, here are some highlights:

• Grey uses a semi-colon winky face at one point
• At another point, when Ana doesn’t respond right away, he is “crestfallen” but psych! She’s sent him another one.
• Grey suggests Wikipedia as the best place to learn about BDSM.

Finally, even Dick de Grey gets fed up with this and begs him to “show some restraint.” He heads out on his run with the Foo Fighters as his soundtrack.

As he runs, he thinks about how amazing Ana is with “the written word” and ponders about how literature is her forte, which must explain how wondrously easy she finds the English language. These were literally mere paragraphs ago, but just for reference, here are some excerpts of Ana’s emails that have so astounded Grey with her literary prowess: “I had a very good day at work.” “What would you suggest I put into a search engine?” “You are so bossy.”

Someone get this woman a Pulitzer!

8:15 p.m. Grey has finished feasting on “the wild Oregon salmon” and is all set up to watch his emails roll in. Ding! It’s Ana but oh noes – she says she’s seen enough and is done with him! Grey flips out and nearly sends another email, despite Dick de Grey’s injunctions to not be too hasty. Then the planning part of his stalker personality comes out and he changes his plan. Surely she doesn’t actually mean no, or at least if she does, he doesn’t care. He’s going to make her look him in the eyes and say it, while all the while manipulating her to not say no. He grabs his weapons – a bunch of condoms, the tie he used on her in the last chapter, and a bottle of wine – and heads out.

Alex: This is horrifying. A woman says ‘no’ to him, and his response is to throw together what appears to be some kind of rape toolkit and then run over to her house. It’s moments like this when I start to think E. L. James must be trolling us all. She can’t seriously think this is OK. Right? On a lighter note, I find it pretty funny that in the middle of all this panic, Grey finds the time to pause and be annoyed that the wine is a Chardonnay. I’m guessing E. L. is one of those ‘anything but chardonnay’ types.

Mari: My moment of extra HAHAWTFLOL in the midst of his packing a rape toolkit was the fact that he was shocked- shocked!- that she could dismiss him so easily because he was her “first fuck.” And everyone knows that the losing of one’s virginity is a binding contract. 

J: Shockingly, we don’t get an exact time readout of when Grey arrives at Ana’s house. I almost don’t know what to do with myself. How long did it take him to get over there?? Will we have to wait until ELJ writes Katherine Kavanagh’s story to finally find out??

Grey struggles with whether or not this is a good idea, but goes up to the door anyway. Katherine Kavanagh answers and, disappointingly, lets him enter and go “surprise” Ana in her own room. Also, this happens:

I give her my most earnest and endearing look and in response she blinks a couple of times. Whoa. That was easy. Who would have thought? How gratifying. “Where’s her room?”

All the weird punctuation and random italics are from ELJ. What the fuck is even going on with this paragraph? Much less its actual content?

I like to think Grey’s look was less earnest/endearing and more confused/creepy, and Kate blinked because she didn’t know how to deal with him just kinda staring at her in silence.

Alex: Or just because, you know, her eyeballs needed moistening.

J: My best guess is ELJ wanted to describe her doing something with her eyes, but that could not be construed as flirting with Grey. And since pretty much every movement a woman other than Ana does toward him counts as flirting, she was left with “blinks.”

Grey goes up to Ana’s room, and she’s reading the contract with her headphones in. He stares at her from the doorway and describes her room, which is, of course, “girlish.” I bet Katherine Kavanagh’s room is all red lights and lavish pillows, possibly in the shape of an elephant’s head.

Ana finally notices him in the doorway and jumps, which is a totally legit reaction. “Yes. I’m here because of your e-mail,” Dick de Grey says in italics. This is not something Christian says out loud.

The shock of finding Grey in her bedroom renders Ana mute, (M: which he takes time to tell us he enjoys) so he comes in and sits down. He makes some awkward conversation about her bedroom being serene and peaceful, and she finally manages to suggest wine.

A FINE SUGGESTION!

 

Alex: After she offers him a drink, Grey thinks “Good. She’s found her manners”. Because when someone shows up in your bedroom uninvited with a rape toolkit, good breeding dictates that you should offer them a cold beverage.

J: Grey angrily demands explanation about her last email, and she acts all afraid of him that he’s come in person, into her bedroom, instead of staying a safe distance away and communicating through the interwebs. They argue about her biting her lip and then stare smolderingly at each other. He even watches her pupils dilate.

There’s some back and forth about the Bible and nipple clamps and then Ana “launches” herself at Grey. “Shit” is Dick de Grey’s response but he thinks fast and pulls some sort of sports move probably that keeps her from touching him and lands her on the bed beneath him.

They kiss and then he pulls out the tie and binds her wrists so she can’t escape.

Grey starts to take off her shoes and she says no, but he DGAF and tells her if she resists he’ll just tie up her feet too, then shames her into being quiet because Katherine Kavanagh might be listening in on them like a perv. Ana stops struggling and Grey thinks “when will she understand that none of that stuff bothers me?” BUT IT BOTHERS ANA BUT THAT DOESN’T MATTER BECAUSE HE’S CHRISTIAN GREY AND THE WORST.

Mari: You can tell that EL James really thought this would be so romantic hero of him. “Christian Grey doesn’t mind sweaty feet SWOON SWOON SWOON.” Christian Grey also doesn’t pay much mind to consent of any kind, though. Womp, womp.

J: He uses Ana’s t-shirt as a blindfold for her. “She looks fantastic, laid out and bound.” He leaves her tied up and returns to the living room for his bottle of wine.

What follows next is a ridiculous amount of Kate-hate (A: with a little more Chardonnay-hate mixed in). When she reacts to him coming out of her roommate’s room shirtless, he thinks “Don’t tell me you’ve never seen a shirtless man, Kavanagh, because I won’t believe you.” Dick. She asks if Ana’s ok and Grey’s like hey, finally some concern from your friend. DICK. She mentions that Elliott’s helping with the move and asks if Grey will, but he shuts that down, with directive from Dick de Grey. “My voice is clipped, because she’s pissing me off, trying to make me feel guilty.” Her “lips thin” (Hello, do you own a face?) and he leaves her making a disapproving face in the kitchen with a final thought of “Fuck off, Kavanagh.”

NO GREY. YOU FUCK OFF.

Grey returns to the room, to Ana all naked and stuff on the bed. The ideal woman- innocent and obedient yet also carnally sensual and arousing, with none of the boring talking and independent will and free thinking of whores like Katherine Kavanagh. (Sorry, I’m trying to be calm during this, but I just can’t).

Grey frees his erection (his words) and sips some wine (A: “surprisingly, it’s not bad”)(J: LOL. Maybe his wine tastes change as he moves closer to “boyfriend material”?), before dumping it into Ana’s mouth, baby bird style. Somehow, she “laps it up” (do you own a face??) and he gives her another drink from his mouth.

Mari: How is she… lapping up… wine that’s already in her mouth…? 

J: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Next Grey puts ice in his mouth and kisses her, and puts a piece of ice and some wine on her stomach. She’s not supposed to spill the wine or she’ll be punished. He uses more ice on her nipples and she begs him, saying “sir” and it makes him happy.

He tickles her and of course she moves and it spills. There’s more licking and sucking, and he fingers her but won’t let her come. She quivers and pleads so he grabs a condom and gets ready to bang her. At this point she says her email earlier was just a joke and he is relieved. He turns her over, slaps her on the ass and fucks her.

Afterwards, he hisses (a change from the growling, I guess) at her about how “nice” that was (using her email words against her) and gets up to get dressed. He unties her and lies down next to her. She asks why he doesn’t like to be touched but he won’t answer, instead confirming that the “no” email from earlier was just a joke. She’s not discounting it, saying she has issues with the contract. She asks about collaring and he says he doesn’t do that, though Mrs. Rape did it to him. When he hears Ana’s nickname for her – Mrs. Robinson – he laughs and says Mrs. R will think it’s funny too. Ana’s concerned that he’s still in regular contact with her. Grey is completely miffed at her being mad about it, too. His next offer is to introduce Ana to a previous sub, and is also confused at her negative reaction. He chalks it up to her being jealous. Bitches be crazy.

Alex: He’s confused because it’s apparently “perfectly normal” for subs to swap notes with each other about prospective Doms. I have no idea if this is true or not, but so what if it is? Ana isn’t a sub! I’m getting really tired of E. L. James throwing in all these ‘this is how BDSM works’ kind of lines, as if they automatically excuse all the shitty things Grey thinks/says/does.

J: Yeah, pretty much since the beginning, he’s treated her like a sub, despite her never agreeing to anything. And when she says no, he rushes over and does the same thing, but more extreme! I’m pretty sure BDSM isn’t about luring unwilling strangers into uncomfortable (for them) situations.

Ana says she’s kicking him out of her room (another first!) and he responds that he’d like to give her “a good hiding.” Swoon, am I right ladies? She decides to see him out and when she says “please pass me my sweatpants” Grey is astounded at how sassy and bossy she is.

They confirm they’re still on for their not-a-date Wednesday date, then kiss goodbye and apparently it’s amazing. She watches him walk to his car, but when he looks back again she’s gone and he’s pissed she didn’t wave to him or something. This guy.

Driving back, Grey goes back over everything, and decides that “I feel a little used, for sex.” So Grey, let me get this clear – you show up unannounced at this girl’s house, with a pocket full of condoms and hands full of wine and ties, demanding that she explain her “no” email to you, you guys fuck, and YOU feel used? So much so that it reminds you of your time with Mrs. Rape? Uuuuugh.

Grey returns home and to his laptop o’ emails. He sends one to Ana, and THANK ZEUS IN THE HEAVENS this chapter is over.

 

Trauma Flashback:

• In FSOG, the emails start at the end of Chapter 11, which also includes the ENTIRE SEX CONTRACT which I’m so glad we don’t see in Grey. I was really worried there would be a scene of him poring over it, maybe editing and revising, and I’d have to drink myself into a stupor. Now I get to save that for something else!
• In Chapter 12, Ana goes on a run, much like the one Christian goes on in the beginning of this chapter. They are totally soul mates, guys!
• During this run she considers heading straight to his apartment for sexytimes, but decides that 5 miles is way too far.
• According to FSOG, the “no” email was totes a joke, but I’m sorry, I’m just not buying it. Worst.
• When Grey arrives in her bedroom, Ana notes that his pants are hanging from his hips, in that way.
• She launches herself at him because she’s so excited about him not wanting to be with Katherine Kavanagh or anyone else but her. I’m sure KK’s excited he doesn’t as well.
• The “give you a good hiding” line was in FSOG too. (sarcastic thumbs up)
• After Grey leaves, Ana cries and talks to Katherine Kavanagh, and learns that her mom won’t be at her graduation.
• The Grey chapter ends with Christian emailing Ana once returning to his apartment. The FSOG chapter ends with Ana replying to that very email. Basically, any chapter break is totally random, nothing has purpose and life is meaningless. …. I’m gonna go now.

Baby count: 7

Cock count: They banged

 

Best Comment Last Post: 

Ana Steele: Virgin
Ana Steele : Seductress (lol, right)
Ana Steele: Panty Prankster, and
Ana Steele: Fishface?

The whole “moving the mouth from lowercase to capital O” thing … first of all, that’s something only a goldfish does, and b) who the fuck writes like that?? It’s so painful and awkward and stilted.

Speaking of stellar writing, for some reason the way GsP spoke made me think of house-elves: I actually read it in the voice of Dobby. “Master is melancholy? Leila will have to iron her hands to make Master happy.”

Final note: I’m adding fresh ginger to the list of things ELJames has ruined for me, right next to plum-colored clothing, that Beyoncé song, and my faith in humanity.

Every chapter I think I can’t possibly hate this piece of shit, misogynistic douchebag more. And then y’all post another recap and prove me wrong. — Dani Denatti

 

Next time on Grey: We lied. The Sexy Times Contract is in fact reprinted in full on Tuesday, May 24, 2011.