Previously: Believe it or not, Alison keeps getting even more high maintenance as a friend.
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Scream for Me
Marines: Class at Rosewood! But it’s choir class, so half points. The Liars are in the front row, singing What Child Is This? and Hanna either hates choir class or is still hungover? Something.
Jessica: Christmas carols are bad enough when you’re sober and not being forced to sing them.
Mari: Right, or she hates Christmas carols.
In an adjacent room which we can conveniently see into thanks to a large window, Detective Tanner is asking Alison questions about the last time she spoke to Shana. Ali says she didn’t speak to anyone while she was busy being kidnapped. Tanner says that it’s real weird that Shana decided to come live in Rosewood with her aunt, even though Alison was presumed dead. That’s… a really weird train of thought. She had an aunt in town, so that kind of trumps anything at all to do with Ali. But okay.
Jessica: A rare insight into the questionable thought process of the Rosewood LOLPD. Prognosis: cloudy with a chance of wrongful conviction and outrageous accusation. But that’s just going off past events.
Mari: Alison changes the subject by saying that she thought Tanner was going to ask questions about her mother, seeing as how she’s murdered and all. Alison asks if she’s the only one who thinks that her kidnapper went after Mrs. D because Alison got away from him. The bell rings and Tanner says that the police have many theories. I’m pretty sure most of them are, “Alison is a lying liar” supplemented by whatever theories make them as inept as possible.
In the choir room, the Liars are packing up their sheet music. They congregate at the front of the class and do that thing where they talk loudly about their theories and recap things. This time they’re still all being hard on Hanna for drunkenly spilling secrets at the One Coffee Shop. Alison joins them and says that all of Tanner’s questions were about Shana. Ali at least picked up on the fact that Tanner doesn’t believe her kidnapping story at all. Aria says that she has to run off and call Ezra who is having a medical check-up in New York. Alison picks up her sheet music and it has a message from A: Glad to hear you singing. Last time you were all choked up. – A
The girls look around but dammit, A still isn’t standing behind them doing a nanny-nanny-boo-boo dance.
Jessica: I always love how their first reaction was immediately to turn around and stare at the empty room behind them. Damn, missed A again!
Mari: SHHHHHHH.
Hallway. Hanna’s locker is a mess so you just know things are going topsy turvy in her life. (J: #symbolism) Spencer and Emily walk behind her and chat about how A is coming after them all again and Lord knows who was in One Coffee Shop when Hanna was drunkenly spilling secrets. Have we mentioned that Hanna was drunkenly spilling secrets?
An empty beer cans falls out of Hanna’s locker and Spencer says she’s concerned. Hanna blames the can on Caleb and when Spencer gives her eyebrows, Han tells her to save it. She’s already got one friend throwing her shade. Spencer suggests apologizing to Aria (and no the voicemail she left with Caleb laughing in the background apparently doesn’t count) and also apologizing to Alison while she’s at it. PFFT. Alison gets no apologies ever. Spencer says they can keep talking about this over lunch, but Hanna has other plans.
Jessica: The “everyone’s mad at Hanna” plot lines always make me sad. Isn’t she supposed to be the happy-go-lucky comic relief one, sort of, out of all of them? I guess all that changed with her hair.
Mari: It’s a giant PSA against a little black hair dye.
Aria is stomping out of the school, loudly saying things about Tanner and New York and generally being worse than Hanna drunk at the coffee shop. Conveniently, not a soul hears her. (J: Seriously, who gave Aria the eternal Get Out Of Jail Free card??) As she’s leaving this message for Ezra, her mom walks up. Aria lies about leaving a message for Papa Montgomery and then they just keep chatting like school is not currently happening just behind them. Piper Mom wants Aria to be her maid of honor and says they have an appointment at the bridal shop that afternoon. Aria says she can’t because she has a spy volunteer shift at Radley. Her mom is like, “um, hello? Wedding.” Aria is further distracted from paying attention to a person that is not herself when Ezra calls. She runs off and leaves her mom standing there like, “man, I have the worst child.” Take heart, Piper Mom. Alison could be your daughter.
Locker room. Emily finds Sydney the Lips and starts babbling about how crazy Hanna gets and how she makes up all kinds of things. Em says that that night, Hanna called and started rambling about New York even though they’ve totally never been to New York. Sydney just shrugs and says she doesn’t remember Hanna saying anything about New York. Anyway, Sydney thinks Emily is here because she heard the news that the team voted her assistant coach. But apparently no one asked Emily if she wanted to be assistant coach…? And Emily is real busy keeping secrets, you know? Sydney looks super offended by Emily’s lack of enthusiasm.
Jessica: What, she doesn’t want a bunch of extra responsibilities she never asked for?? Shocking! But man, do those lips have the power to pout.
Mari: Lunch time. Hanna calls Caleb ,who was supposed to meet her for lunch, but being back from your cancelled show is hard work. He overslept. Hanna says she’ll just see him later.
Hastings House of School Lunch is For Losers. Spencer is showing Toby the pictures Bethany drew of Mrs. D being eaten by a demon, or whatever. I have to be honest and say that I follow about 2% of all the stuff about Radley. Like maybe Bethany pushed Toby’s mom off a roof…? And that has something to do with Mrs. D….? And A. That’s all I got.
Jessica: I don’t have much more to add to that. Definitely Mrs. D was involved.
Mari: Definitely.
Toby randomly turns the conversation to the Hastings’s empty refrigerator, mostly so we can remember about the Hastings’s divorce and how sad Mariska Mom is. That all done, we’re back to the revelation that Toby signed up for the police academy. Spencer is SHOCKED! SHOCKED I say! Her objections mainly seem to be, “you can’t be a policeman without telling me,” and “you can’t just decide to be a policeman.” She also references Toby’s recently cut hair, but I feel like if it took police academy to re-kill that dead ferret on top of Toby’s head, I’M ALL FOR IT.
I just feel like Toby as part of the LOLPD fits. Abs and ineptitude, you know? Though, Toby’s reasoning is that he’ll be better about PDing than the LOLPDers. And then he turns the conversation back to food because it’s apparently dinner time and not lunch time. What is time?
Jessica: Maybe that extra time got tangled up in Toby’s old hair.
Mari: Radley Sanitarium for Spying Over Bridal Shopping. Aria gets caught looking way too curious. She asks the nurse who catches her for Eddie Lamb, but apparently he quit. Aria asks more questions but the No-Nonsense Nurse tells her to get to volunteering already and pushes Aria into a room. Aria just keeps on walking along and lets herself into someone’s room I can’t remember because WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING AT RADLEY? She returns the sketch book, but she’s caught and Big Eyes. Big Eyes for days.
After a Not Break, Aria lies and says that she just wanted to see Someone’s (Rhonda’s) sketchbook again and so she was just helping herself. She apologizes and tries to walk out but Rhonda says it’ll cost Aria something for Rhonda to pretend she was never there.
Marin Manor. Alison is selling her sob story to Mama Marin when Hanna walks in. It’s super awkward.
Mari: Mama Marin sends Alison to go take a long bath while she finishes dinner and volun-tells Hanna to help. Ashley even gives Alison some fancy bath salts to help her wash away the kidnapping. Once Alison is gone, Ashley goes on and on about how horrible that must’ve been for Alison and how wonderful and strong she is. Hanna says she isn’t going to stay for dinner and leaves with a final, “and by the way, I’ve asked to use those bath salts like a million times.” Girl, your mom once stole Little Old Lady Money. I feel like you could’ve snuck some bath salts and still had the ethical upper hand.
Radley. Apparently all Rhonda wanted was soda and chips. (J: That was easy!) Aria starts interrogating Rhonda as she just tries to low-key enjoy her damn chips. Turns out that Bethany had some rich lady signing her out from time to time, taking her to the circus and to ride horses. Aria gets really aggressive with her questions and explains that Mrs. D was recently murdered and buried in the backyard next to where Bethany was found. Rhonda just chews thoughtfully. They are discovered by No-Nonsense Nurse who informs us that Rhonda is diabetic. Nice going, Aria. And you didn’t even get a good clue.
Jessica: I kind of love Rhonda in this scene. She just stares at all this babble coming from Aria’s mouth with an attitude that says “sounds like that’s a ‘you’ problem.”
Mari: Hanna is complaining to Caleb about Alison again. She asks if he brought food but nope. Just liquor. (J: This is the second time he’s messed up food. Damn, Caleb, get your shit together!) Hanna chugs straight from the bottle as Caleb asks if she wants to go to Japan or Myanmar. She complains about both those places because everyone in Rosewood is dumb AND WILL NOT GET OUT OF ROSEWOOD. Hanna leaves to get a sandwich. The One Coffee Shop looks closed but Piper Mom’s finance lets Hanna in for an emergency sandwich.
Jessica: New theory– Rosewood is like the island in Lost, and they’re all dead already and in some sort of purgatory or whatever.
Mari: Fields’s House. Aria sent a text about “Big Rhonda” spilling “big beans.” 1- RUDE 2- Those beans were medium sized at best. Emily sees a creepy shadow but it’s just Sydney. I’m pretty sure the shadow was just her lips getting there two seconds before she did. Sydney brings over an assistant coach sweater she had made for Emily, back when she decided to vote Emily in as assistant coach even though no one asked her. For stupid reasons I don’t want to recap, Sydney starts talking about her dad opening yogurt shops around the country and Emily probably saw one when she was in New York. Emily has the most guilty I WAS NEVER IN NEW YORK! reaction and Sydney plays the whole thing off.
At the One Coffee Shop, Zack says he can smell the alcohol all over Hanna. Then he creepily says that he always had a thing for bad girls. Oh god. Really, show? REALLY? Yes, really, because as Hanna grabs her sandwich and tries to get the hell out of there, Zach rubs her back inappropriately. It has to be in the Rosewood water, right?
Jessica: Welcome to Rosewood, where every adult is either a negligent parent or a pedophile.
Mari: Or! A terrible cop.
Montgomery Manse. Aria is on the phone with Spencer, filling her in on the Radley stuff. She hangs up quickly, though because her mother gets home. She’s pissed that Aria missed the gown shopping thing, but Aria swears she just forgot and promises not to miss the next one.
Caleb’s Boozy Cabin. Hanna wants to go home, but Caleb’s drunk so they have to call her a cab. She starts fidgeting with her skirt, saying it’s too short. Caleb pulls her in for a kiss, but she breaks away. She wants to just go home and sleep.
Choir Class. The teacher apparently is asking Emily where Hanna is, which is weird. Spencer is worried about Han’s drinking. Emily gets a text from Aria, who found out the name of the stables. Spencer wants to go after school and Emily asks what exactly they are hoping to find there. Spencer doesn’t actually answer that question because there is no good answer to that question.
Jessica: That’s asking for waaay too much advance thinking/explanation. They’ll find it when they get there, ok? They’ll do even better if they bring Aria along.
Mari: Hanna comes in looking like a mess and with a Rice Krispie in her hair. She tells them that she had trouble sleeping because not only is Alison her new roommate, but Zack is a creeper. Em and Spencer are both dubious and Spencer asks if she was buzzed. Hanna gets angry. She kind of wanted to tell Aria, but if they don’t believe her, Aria definitely won’t. Spencer insists that’s not what she’s saying. She just means that if Hanna misinterpreted the situation at all, saying something like this a couple of days before Zack’s engagement party is a big deal. Hanna says they are right, but rushes away. Rough.
Ashely storms into Hanna’s room because the school called. Instead, she finds Alison at the window, being mopey. Alison says she couldn’t sleep because she kept hearing weird noises. Ashley notices a pillow in the closet and asks Alison if she slept in there. Alison nods. Ashely says that Alison should rest. She’s going to call the school and take the day off. When Ashley leaves, Alison looks sad for a couple seconds longer but maybe she smiles a little before we cut to a not!break? IDK. Her face is always purposefully vague.
Jessica: I also could not tell if she was sincere here or not. I mean, she’s crazy manipulative, but sometimes she does show fragility because her life is INSANE. Also, she was nearly choked to death last episode.
Mari: Stables of What Are We Doing Here Again? Spencer and Emily find a dude named Declan and say they are interested in lessons. Declan says he doesn’t deal with beginners and Spencer says she isn’t. She heard this place was really good from her neighbor Jessica DiLaurentis. Declan asks Emily if she’s there on some kind of dare, because she’s looking at the horse like it’s about to throw glass in her hair. (J: A+) Spencer says Emily’s just shy. Declan is just like, “okay,” and leads his horse away.
Marin Manor. Hanna is out for the night again, so Ashely tells Alison they should go out to eat.
Stupid Stables. Even though Declan walked away from them, the girls have followed him. For some reason, he’s way more chatty than he was 15 seconds ago, and asks if their friend (Mrs. D) is the lady who used to bring a weird girl who wanted to ride in slippers. Declan doesn’t remember names, but he does remember that Mrs. D wanted Slipper Girl (Bethany) to call her “Aunt Jessie” and Bethany threw a bucket at her. Spencer asks if there was ever another girl with them, someone who would’ve called Mrs. D “mom.” Declan says he doesn’t remember and tells them to get going before the storm hits and the roads get muddy.
Emily asks why Spencer would ask about Alison, since Ali said she never met Bethany. Spencer has to politely remind Emily that Alison is a lying liar who lies. Thunder rumbles and Emily wants to go, but apparently, Spencer wants to look around and find clues from years ago.
Jessica: She’s fully committed to the Walk Around Randomly school of investigation. I bet that’s a class they’ll teach Toby at the LOLPD too.
Mari: Hanna is sitting in her car, eating, when Zack lets himself into her car. (J: Dude, you can’t just let yourself into someone else’s car!) He wants to know her takeaway from that one time he rubbed her back. Hanna just says that she was off, but Zack barrels forward, saying he felt a vibe and he thinks Hanna felt it too. He writes his number on a piece of paper and tells her to hit him up. He gives her a good knee rub for the road. Hanna rips the paper as soon as he’s gone. I hate everything about this.
Marin Manor. It’s storming and for some reason, every light in the whole damn house is off. Ashley spots an open window in the kitchen and then starts hearing floorboards creaking. She calls for Alison who answers from upstairs. Ashley walks toward the front door and finds that it’s open. She closes it, turns back, and sees someone sneak into the kitchen. Alison comes down stairs and Ashley tells her to SHHHH. They both see the shadowy figure in the kitchen.
Then the Shadowy figure just leaves thorough the back door. Ashely calls 911 and Alison look suspiciously calm.
After a not-break, Detective Tanner is aggressively asking questions. Ashley yells at Tanner for not making anyone feel safer and for not catching Alison’s kidnapper. She says that he might strike again and Alison puts on her best WOE IS ME face.
Montgomery Manse. Aria is working on place cards. Hanna shows up, wet from the rain and tearful. She doesn’t know how to say this, so she just comes out and says that Zack hit on her. Aria asks if she kissed him and Hanna says she didn’t, but he was coming onto her. Aria, continuing a show-long trend of BEING THE FREAKIN’ WORST says this is all Hanna’s fault. I don’t even want to recap whatever the hell Aria says because it’s mean and she’s the worst and I want to poke her gigantic eyes.
Mari: We’re still at the MF stables. These stables are almost as bad as stupid Aria. (J: Have they just been walking around in circles for hours?? The stables can’t be that big.) Spencer is going through visitor logs looking for Alison’s handwriting. Emily finds a riding helmet and Spencer freaks because she recognizes it: it belongs to Melissa. Her initials are even printed on the inside. Lighting strikes and a horse starts jumping around all, “AHHHH. LIGHTNING.” A shows up and closes the stable door and locks it. Emily wants to go but Spencer wants to stay and look through the visitor logs for Melissa this time. But no one is going anywhere because of the locked stable door. It really looks like they can reach the lock from the inside, but apparently not because Emily touches it and starts yelling for help. The horse gets more spooked and more aggressive, kicking and cracking the boards that separate the stables.
Jessica: Well, we’ve seen that throwing cars at the Liars doesn’t necessarily stop them, so A decided to throw a demented horse instead.
Mari: A+. A will never stop.
Spencer thinks on her feet and uses a ladder to wedge between the door and the other wall. I think she gets kicked by the horse? But then the horse kicks the wall and ladder, pushing it to open the stable door. That’s the best way I can explain all the nonsense that just happened, okay? I’m sorry if I’ve failed you as a recapper.
Hastings House. Spencer is nursing a black eye. There is a knock on the back door, but she’s got blurry horse-kicked vision so all she sees is someone dressed in black. Her eyes focus, though, and she sees that it’s just Toby.
J: Gah! Why??
Mari: At least he’s had a haircut?
She tells him about finding Melissa’s helmet and psychotic horses. Toby asks if A took credit for it yet. He’s so tired of feeling powerless. Spencer says that’s why she called– to apologize. She tells him to go be a cop if it’s going to stop another season of this show because it’s getting so much worse. I added a little bit in there, but that’s the gist. Emily’s calling, but Spencer isn’t paying attention to her phone.
Em calls Aria next, but she ignores it. She tells Piper Mom and Zack that she’s going to bed but they make her feel bad about not watching a movie with them. So they all settle into the couch.
DiLaurentis Domicile. Emily’s there and Spencer shows up. Spencer says Mrs. Marin is freaking out and somehow, the fact that A ran from the front door to the back door means he’s really stepping up his game. It’s not like A has thrown cars at people, exploded houses, planted notes in teeth or anything like that. Just this episode: demented horse. Alison admits that it was Noel Kahn in the Marin home. She asked him to break into the Marin Manor because she need someone who mattered to stop questioning her.
UM. WHAT.
I don’t know. No one knows. Spencer and Emily exchange glances as Alison says that it worked.
Jessica: Ok, Alison’s crazy. It’s confirmed. Also, wtf is up with Noel Kahn? I barely remember him from a weird episode about a party at his cabin when he was friends with Jenna and was having a tense game of truth-or-dare with Spencer. Now he’s helping Ali in New York and terrorizing suburban housewives for her? Did he graduate? Does he even go here? Why isn’t he at college or working? Or is this just one of his little side hobbies? And why is no one asking these questions?
Mari: A-nonymous: I think A is in Spencer’s room? A picks up Melissa’s helmet, sets it back down and then opens up a secret chair compartment.
Jessica: I have no words.
Next time on Pretty Little Liars: Spencer’s eye is still messed up and Hanna probably drinks some more in S05 E09 – March of Crimes.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
I'm a chronic book nerd and love storytelling in all forms. I'm particularly excited by the rise of the television show as an art form with long, cinematically beautiful plots and complex character arcs (I also watch cartoons). My travels in the past handful of years have led me through three continents and most recently landed me among the majestic mountains of Colorado. Some day I will compile all my travel journals/blogs into one place. Some day. Until then, you can find me with craft beer in hand, ready at any moment to deeply and passionately discuss survival tactics for the zombie apocalypse.
