Charmed S02 E17 – The horrors of being single.

Previously: Amy Adams had the terrible luck of being a guest star on Charmed.
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How to Make a Quilt Out of Americans

Marines: A bunch of old women stand in a circle, calling on something named Cryto. One of the ladies has a little coughing fit, but she urges the others to keep chanting. Even though they’ve been at it for 15 minutes, she’s sure Cryto will show up.

Stephanie: Before we get any further can we just take a moment to go WTF at the weird Leatherfaceness of this episode’s title? 

Mari: Absolutely!

Bad Special Effects Smoke pours into the room and Cryto is not happy about being summoned. Coughing Old Lady explains that they want youth, health and beauty and in return, they’ll make Cryto whole again. That isn’t enough for him, though. He wants powers too. He starts to smoke-away, but Coughing Old Lady quickly says that they can get him the power to move things with his mind, freeze time and look into the future. If they can do that, Cryto will give them their youth.

After Cryto’s gone, the other old ladies are like WTF GAIL, which is Coughing Old Lady’s name. Gail says she’ll get the powers, but they have to make sure to finish some quilt they are working on.

Steph: Presumably a quilt made from flesh. That’s what I’m getting from the creepy title, at least. 

Mari: Thank you, title.

Halliwell Manor. Phoebe is looking at a book and it’s all blurry. She pulls out a pair of glasses and then looks at herself in the mirror like EW EW, WORST. Phoebe needs to stop immediately because those glasses are one of the least offensive things she’s put on her body. Someone knocks and Phoebe quickly stashes the dirty, dirty glasses.

Steph: Glasses are cute! Phoebe has no taste. 

Mari: Prue walks in and asks if Phoebe’s made an appointment with the optometrist yet. She insists she doesn’t need glasses but har har, her book is upside down. All of this is beside the point. I use “point” lightly. Prue came in here to tell Phoebe that Piper is throwing away her favorite pair of boots and apparently that is a BFD.

Down in the kitchen, Piper explains that the boots have demon blood on them and she can’t get it out. (S: Was not expecting her favorite boots to be a pair of boring Timberlands.) Somehow, this segues into the fact that Piper is really upset because she’s going to the club to meet Dan and presumably break up with him. Because we aren’t quite done with this plot point yet.

Piper is in one of her “being a witch is the worst” moods, though I think she should be more concerned with the fact that she seems to be wearing some sort of decorative foil as a shirt. (S: At least she’s not wearing glasses.)

Once Piper leaves, the doorbell rings. Prue and Phoebe go to answer it together and who is there? “Aunt” Gail. They hug her and over their shoulder Gail looks real suspicious.

I AM THE SAHN.

Moody music and establishing shots. At the manor, Phoebe is going through some stuff. She later brings out an old picture of Gail and Grams. Gail looks at the picture and says lots of things about how being old sucks. Talk briefly turns to men (of course) (S: She laments being a spinster [of course]. I don’t know, Gail, if you met some of the dull men these women date, you might appreciate the single life more) and then Prue asks what brings Gail to San Francisco. She asks if they remember her grandma’s bridge club that never played cards? Yeah, actually, that was a coven and Gail knows Grams was a witch and that they are the Charmed Ones.

P^3. Dan flops in and before Piper can say anything, he puts down a little jewelry box. Piper freaks, freezes time and hopes it isn’t a ring. She opens it and breathes a sigh of relief; they’re just pearl earrings.

She assembles the gift back up and unfreezes time. She opens the gift for a second time and unconvincingly says they are beautiful. Dan can tell she’s disappointed. He asks if she thought it was a ring and she laughs him off.

The phone rings and Piper tries to ignore it but Prue starts yelling on the answering machine about how Aunt Gail is in town and she knows they are you-know-whats. Piper picks up the phone and is like, “HELLO? BIG SECRET.” Prue knew that would get her attention. Piper wants to be left in peace to break-up with her damn floppy-haired boyfriend, but Gail is claiming to have demon problems. Piper says she’ll be right over.

On the way out, Piper asks Dan if they can talk over dinner the next night. He says it’s a date and Piper looks like someone kicked her puppy. She walks out with her head hanging and leaves her new earrings behind.

Steph; Oh my gosh, there doesn’t need to be a special break up dinner. Who does that? Just do it already! 

Mari: Surely Aunt Gail’s out-of-town demon problems can wait ten-freakin’-minutes.

Manor. Prue asks Gail if she’s talked to the LOLPD about the skinned corpses that have been showing up around her town. Gail’s like, “nah.” because she’s sure it’s a demon. See, she conveniently remembers seeing something in the Book of Shadows about a skinned demon. The girls do not at all question this steaming pile of contrivance and go along with her when she suggests they go check out the BoS right this moment.

Steph: No, you see, they make suspicious faces! And THEN they go along with it. 

Mari: Oh. Okay.

Old Lady House. The two other old ladies are sewing some skin together on a mannequin. (S: Shocking!) One lady wonders if Gail is going to be able to get the powers and the other says she better because the “skin quilt” is almost done. See, they are the icky grave robbers.

Steph: I like the casual way the old ladies chat while making their human quilt. I would give credit for at least trying to add a little black humor into this stupid plot, but nothing else is funny, so it’s probably not intentional. 

Mari: Attic. Phoebe has found the entry on Cryto and Gail’s like, “HMM. THAT SOUNDS FAMILIAR.” The Book of Shadows says that Cryto gives out youth and beauty in exchange for souls. Prue wonders who’d make that trade and Gail is all:

Piper gives her like half a suspicious look and then we move on because Phoebe is squinting at the Book of Shadows, even though she denies it because ugh what is she like a dork who has to wear glasses to see properly so lame.

Anyway, a group of witches skinned Cryto, thinking it would keep him from resurrecting. That’s not the case, but there is now an easy vanquishing spell in the Book of Shadows because…? Someone thought they might need it in case anyone ever made a skin quilt and summoned Cryto…? OKAY. Gail asks how soon the girls can come to Santa Costa and Piper wants to speak to her sisters in private so they leave Gail in the attic with the Book of Shadows.

Downstairs, Piper says that something is real funky about Gail’s story but quickly moves on from that because the real issue here is that she doesn’t even have time to break-up with Dan. Meanwhile, Gail has found a spell to separate a witch from her powers. She tears the page out of the BoS and stashes it. She joins the girls downstairs, just after Prue tells Piper they can go, settle the demon thing first thing in the morning and come back home. Prue tells Gail they’ll be there at 9am and she’s like OKAY BYE.

Old Lady House. The skin suit is done and the old ladies chant for Cryto again. He smokes into the skin and even though it’s made of patches of all different shades of skin, it get magically put together into a white man.

Steph: I LAUGHED A LOT. I was thinking, “that skin suit is the most diverse thing on this show,” then, BAM, white man. 

Mari: He asks where his powers are and Gail says they’ll be there soon.

The girls pull into a gas station. They are lost because Phoebe is navigating but she refuses to wear glasses and can’t actually see the map. Wonderful. I’m so happy we have this whole subplot where Phoebe thinks she’s too cool to wear glasses. She goes inside to ask for directions and before you know it, Piper is talking about Leo. I don’t care.

Steph: They’re not even officially together again yet, and she’s already back to worrying about how a Whitelighter and a witch can’t be together. I’m not prepared for another 6 seasons of this. 

Mari: Phoebe is getting directions from two old men. When she’s done, she accidentally drops her glasses case from her purse. Old Man asks if the case is hers and SHE SAYS NO. Because she’d rather lose glasses SHE PAID FOR THAN ADMIT TO OWNING GLASSES.

Steph: What the heck? Is she 12? Where is this subplot even coming from?

Mari: The depths of hell.

Old Lady House. Gail is brewing the potion for stealing witch powers when Old Lady #1 announces that the P’s have arrived. Gail pours the potion into some tea. We cut to Old Lady #2 pouring tea refills for the 3Ps even though they don’t want them. Piper takes a sip of her tea and works it around her mouth like EWW. Gail says it’s a special tea blend. Suddenly, she says that the 3Ps better get going to try and find who is summoning Cryto. Two of the skinned corpses were found in some warehouse. She basically rushes them out and no one finds this suspicious.

Old Lady #1 and #2 ask Gail WTF is going on. Cryto didn’t want the 3Ps to leave. Apparently, Gail feels bad enough stealing their powers, she doesn’t want the demon to hurt them. So, the old lady are just going to call for their powers until the potion takes effect.

Shady Warehouse. There is nothing out here so the girls figure they’ve just been sent on a wild goose chase. Prue and Phoebe get light headed. At the Old Lady House, Cryto stands in an old lady circle as they chant for the Charmed powers. We see that Prue, Piper and Phoebe are just kind of sitting by the warehouse ’cause they feel so bad. White, twinkly lights float out of their bodies and all the way down to Old Lady House. They settle into Cryto, who tests it with a stiff flick of his hand. A lamp goes flying.

Gail says its time for Cyrto to hold up his end of the bargain. He waves his hand and she morphs into a young person. Old Lady #2 says its her turn next and Cryto waves his hand. She turns to dust. He does the same thing to Old Lady #1. OH MY GOODNESS, THIS DEMON DID SOMETHING EVIL? Wow, Gail. This shockingly didn’t turn out well for you. I don’t know how you could’ve seen this coming. It turned out okay for me though because I clearly didn’t put much effort into nicknaming them.

Steph: First, Isn’t that Anne from Buffy and Angel? (M: OH! I thought she looked familiar!)

Second, Gail’s plan is all around really stupid. but even if everything had worked out, how did she even plan to explain her new youth to her nieces? “Oh, what a coincidence that you’ve lost your powers and I’m young again. What a strange day! You certainly will not reverse this using the BoS.” 

Mari: Maybe being old made her stupid.

Cryto wants Gail to introduce him to more stupid old people.

Steph: The acting from Cryto is remarkable. He’s using all the muscles on his face for every line. 

Mari: The 3Ps are back at the Old Lady House and are finally like, “something is strange here!” Good job, ladies. They follow a bad smell into the basement. They see the dust piles and Prue correctly guesses they are the remains of #1 and #2. A rat scurries across the floor and Piper tries to freeze it but can’t.

Piper tells Prue to test her power, but that’s gone too. No one tells Phoebe to test her power, because it’s useless.

Steph: “Quick, Phoebe, touch the rat and see if you can see its future!”

Mari: A+.

After a not!break, the girls talk us through everything we’ve just seen and Prue’s found some doctor bills in case we didn’t figure out from all of Gail’s coughing that she was dying. Phoebe says if they can find the spell Gail used, maybe they can get their powers back. Piper doesn’t think they’ll be able to get near Cryto, but Phoebe says Cryto probably doesn’t know how to use their powers. Piper’s idea for a plan is to go home and call it a day. Her sisters think she’s joking, but she isn’t, because dirty boots and no time for break-ups.

 

Gas station. Cryto changed the two old men from earlier to young men. Gail is sad but she wants to keep her youth so she introduces Cryto to another old man. Cryto gives him a whole spiel about being young again, but it’s a big secret, so he can’t tell anyone. Not even any of the people walking around in the background of this gas station in broad daylight. Another Old Man nods his head a little and Cryto changes him. Gail is sad. Another Old Man is happy and runs off.

Suddenly, Cryto wants to be helpful or something and yells after the man that he left his glasses behind. Wouldn’t want to leave your glasses behind, sir! Even demons know that!  Phoebe Halliwell does not know that, though, and these are actually her glasses. Touching the case sends Cryto into a premonition of the Charmed Ones vanquishing him. He yells at Gail, who was supposed to take care of the Charmed Ones. At that moment, she sees the Jeep pulling into the gas station and runs past Cryto to warn the girls to get out.

Cryto runs right after her, grabs her, and flings her to the ground. He sends a crow bar or something at the P’s but they duck in time. So, it’s clear he does indeed know how to fling his hands and use their powers. Phoebe says she has one power that he doesn’t have though and runs away from her sisters. Gail ends up near Phoebe and tries to make amends by giving Phoebe back the power summoning spell. Phoebe moves again, this time sneaking up on Cryto. Prue is all, “no, stop Phoebe. He’ll freeze us.” Cryto waves his arms and the girls pretend to freeze. Then Phoebe whips out a Very Useful Kick and takes Cryto down all so they can run away.

Gail gets thrown through a window.

The 3P’s regroup and figure they have to get their powers back and find Cryto before he finds them. Piper is not on board with this plan, though, because she’s tired of being a witch again.

Cryto turns Gail into dust.

Prue and Phoebe try to talk to Piper about her decision to not get her powers back. Prue says she understands because she didn’t want to be a witch anymore after Andy died. Piper has some BS reason about how this is totally different because she just doesn’t want a lot of death in her life. Like… the death of a loved one…? Like… Andy? So, pretty much the same…?

Steph: Well Andy’s already dead, so who cares about Prue’s problems? 

Mari: Not I!

Inside, the argument goes on. Piper was born a witch, she can’t just forget about that, blah blah blah. Piper says again that she doesn’t want to end up old and alone like Aunt Gail. (S: There’s that ongoing theme about the horrors of being single.) Prue and Phoebe hug her and promise not to let that happen. She just needs to help them get their powers back.

Steph: That conflict took 2 whole minutes to resolve. But boy problems? THE WHOLE SEASON. 

Mari: And beyond!

Cryto is just standing outside, staring at the house, allowing the girls enough time to brew potions, make plans, and have existential crises.

The girls have the rest of the potion tea and a plan to get Cryto to drink it. Cryto enters the house and Phoebe sneaks up behind him and Very Useful Kicks him down the stairs. Prue tells her to get the potion and she runs into the kitchen. The girls call back and forth between each other and Cryto gets so torn he astral projects toward Phoebe and his body falls to the ground. Upstairs, Phoebe kicks him some more. Downstairs, Prue and Piper force feed Cryto’s passed out body potion tea. When Cryto comes back to his body, (S: with no choking or sputtering even though he’s just had several cups of magic tea poured into his throat while unconscious) Phoebe runs downstairs, the 3Ps say the power summoning spell and they get their tinkly white powers back.

Piper immediately freezes Cryto and Phoebe says the vanquishing spell. Cryto explodes. The old men who are still inexplicably at the gas station are old men again.

Manor. Phoebe and Prue bought Piper new boots. They ask her if she’s really quitting being a witch. Piper wants to, but says she won’t until her sisters quit too. She takes off for her dinner date with Dan and Phoebe wraps up her useless subplot by bringing out her glasses and putting them on. I know you were wondering if she’d ever accept her poor vision. She has.

Steph: Today’s Charmed lessons: Glasses are okay! Getting older without a man? Not okay!

Mari: P^3. Piper starts her whole break-up spiel and Dan is gracious about it. The episode ends with them being sad.

Me too. I’m always sad after a Charmed episode.

 

Next time on Charmed: A demon who hides in a movie theater in S02 E18 – Chick Flick.