Previously: An old lady steals the Charmed powers and Piper broke up with Dan.
—
Chick Flick
Stephanie: At the manor, Prue is taking “artistic” photos of Piper, who’s moping by the window and watching Dan come home alone like one of those sad, loser single people. Prue tells her to cheer up because Leo is in town for dinner and a movie. Oh boy, I can’t wait. It’s her first real date with Leo as a normal couple, although I’m not entirely sure why since she’s still a witch and he’s a Whitelighter again, but sure, whatever.
Piper goes upstairs for a pre-date shower and Phoebe comes home in a great mood after watching a film with a character she has the hots for. Apparently, she’s doing research to find out what she wants in a guy. Using a character in a horror movie. I want to judge her harder, but I’m single because I’m waiting for IRL 10th Doctor and Mr. Darcy.
Let’s all share the fake people we love instead of watching this episode filled with fake people we hate.
Marines: 10th Doctor and Mr. Darcy are both on my list too. Captain Malcolm Reynolds, probably any one of the Avengers, aaaaaand Aragorn. Off the top of my head, you know?
I think we still have to watch the rest of this episode, though.
Stephanie: Damn. Good list, though.
The doorbell rings and when she answers it, Phoebe is instantly blasted backward by a man with a ponytail. Prue magics him into a wall and he runs away. They chase after him and Piper comes rushing downstairs looking for her loofah, not because of all the yelling and sounds of furniture breaking. (M: It’s date night girl and Piper’s relationship with Leo has literally been the only season long arc, so. #priorities)
Prue and Phoebe chase Ponytail (pretty sure I’ve used this creative name before since I just name everyone after their hairstyle) into a movie theater playing the film Phoebe went to see earlier. They spot him lurking about and Phoebe makes up a spell to make him disappear. She does this right in front of a man sitting in the theater, and he just kind of accepts it all as a special effect or something. Whatever. Unsurprisingly, Phoebe’s spell went wrong and put Ponytail into the movie instead of vanquishing him. He laughs menacingly from the screen as they leave.
I AM THE SAHN.
Establishing shots of places we never actually see and bad 90’s pop-rock lead us back to the manor. The girls are cleaning up the mess left behind by Ponytail. Prue wonders why they can’t ever fight a Mr. Clean demon instead. Ha. Ha. Phoebe realizes that Ponytail followed her home from the movies, but they don’t understand who he was or why he was after them. This unsettles them even though it isn’t any different from all the other times they don’t know what the hell is going on. (M: Their “favorite aunt” died last episode. 0 follow-up questions.) The answering machine announces the time and Piper realizes she’s late for dinner with Leo.
We transition to Piper rushing into a fancy restaurant. She’s nervous and rambly, but Leo’s all, “no biggie.” He can tell something’s up though, and Piper explains that they were attacked by a demon and Phoebe was able to vanquish him too easily. When that’s all out, they reset the date to magic-free time. Food comes out right away because Leo already ordered stuff. He’s a keeper. Leo turns to get some salt from a nearby table, and guess who’s there? Dan, naturally, with a date and everything. Piper gets annoyed and freezes everyone but Leo. They’re about to toast to their weird-ass date when Leo hears the Call of the Whitelighter. They settle on Leo not tinkle tinkling away as the new normal. He leaves via legs and Piper is left alone with Dan, Dan’s date, and Dan’s floppier than usual hair. Probably weighed down by breakup sadness.
Mari: I honestly thought we wouldn’t have to see that floppy hair again.
Stephanie: The next day, Prue’s at work with that douchey art director, who I’m still not even sure is actually an art director. Anyway, he’s on the phone and being really aggressive so we know he’s in charge of shit. He fills Prue in on her next assignment. She has to get a a picture of FINLEY BECK, the greatest photographer ever. She gushes about how awesome Finley Beck is and then Finley Beck comes in all not awesome and kind of sexist. He gets snobby about being shot in digital since digital is for amateurs and then dismisses her to get him some tea. I’d be more mad if I cared about Prue as a person.
Manor. Phoebe comes home from school and Piper asks about her day. Phoebe’s like, “well, I learned a lot of interesting things in my psych class…” Just kidding, she’s like, “MEN AMIRITE?” She went out to lunch with a guy so boring he was basically human melatonin. Point is, the whole time she couldn’t stop thinking about her perfect horror movie character crush. Leo tinkles in just then as an example of real life perfection. He’s there to warn the P’s about a demon of illusion who’s in town to use magic to create violence. So… he’s like all demons? (M: What?? No! This is the demon of illusion so it’s totally different.) The description of the demon matches Ponytail ’cause he has a goatee.
Movie theater. The P’s return to inspect the scene of the vanquishing. Ponytail has just been chilling in that movie the whole time, I guess, because he’s still there. They try to use their magic on him, but it doesn’t work because he’s in the world of illusion and their powers are based in reality, or some such stupidity. Phoebe’s character crush (Billy) comes running into the scene. He spots Phoebe and they share a moment. It’s probably important to point out that this horror movie looks super old. and Phoebe’s crush is on one of those dorky “gee, golly gosh!” kinda guys. It’s bringing me back to my own character crush on Jimmy from Reefer Madness. I get it, girl.
Everyone should watch Reefer Madness instead of Charmed. It has less witches and more Kristin Bell.
Anyway, Ponytail gloats for like, 10 full minutes, and Billy gets mad and jumps on him. They tumble out of the movie and onto the theater floor. Ponytail runs off filled with destructive inspiration and Billy just stands there all black and white. Phoebe’s into it though.
Mari: Not one worry about that demon that just got away! I’m sure it’ll be fine.
Stephanie: Who cares? BOY!
Back at the manor, the girls and Leo look for answers in the Book of Shadows. Billy still thinks he’s in a movie, but Phoebe (in her glasses, ’cause continuity) explains that everything is real. They try to figure out how Ponytail is going to go about causing violence, but Billy’s beat them to it. Ponytail goes into movies and when the audience leaves, they’re angry. While Billy’s explaining, he wonders why there’s no music over his exposition, and then there’s a terrible self-referential joke about how exposition is the worst. I want to smash my monitor.
Mari: Charmed cannot pull off meta. It’s too horrible.
Stephanie: Billy’s new information is enough for them to go from knowing nothing, to knowing that if Ponytail’s going to be spreading violence, he’ll do it to people who are already open to it. Like horror movie goers. I don’t know, watching this show makes me feel a lot more open to violence than my love for horror movies does. Prue, Piper, and Leo decide to go check out some horror movies, while Phoebe stays behind to give Morris a heads up and maybe have sex with Billy.
Mari: Like in Pleasantville where orgasms give people color, or something. I can’t remember if it’s any good, but we could go watch that movie (which premiered two years before this episode) instead!
Stephanie: Pleasantville is a great movie. I’d watch it over Charmed even if it wasn’t, though.
On her way out, Prue gets a call from Finley Beck. It’s only been a couple of minutes but I had already forgotten this was a thing. Who cares? Finley wants to see Prue’s photos ASAP, in fact, he’s at the door, ready to see her dark room. Piper and Leo head out alone.
Theater full of potentially violent people watching a slasher flick. In the film, a man with an ax is getting his murder on. Ponytail creeps into the scene and offers the killer a chance to cleave people for realsies as long as he kills some pesky witches along the way. Ax Slasher is down and steps out of the movie. Ponytail turns back to the audience and uses the power of bad puns to make them all violent. Everyone attacks each other and throws popcorn. (M: You know it’s serious when overpriced concession snacks start flying.)
Manor. Phoebe is applying makeup to Billy, and honestly, she’s doing a magnificent job making him look like a real human. I don’t know why Phoebe is taking Psych 101 when she should clearly be a makeup artist with those skills. (M: Probably because she’s more likely to meet menz in Psych 101.) She warns Billy to stop being so perfect or else everyone will know he’s not real. How sad is the selection of men on this show that Billy is my favorite one-off love interest so far? He calls her swell, and I like dorks. Don’t judge me. Anyhow, Billy’s really excited that he gets to make his own choices now that he exists outside of a movie. His first act of free will is to remove Phoebe’s dreaded glasses and kiss her. The kiss is so face-eaty that all the makeup comes off of his mouth.
Morris cock block calls about the violence at the theater and Phoebe passes the message along to Piper. Will we see Morris again or has he fulfilled his one minute an episode contractual obligation?
Prue’s down in her random dark room being insulted by Finley and no one cares. Basically, Finley is a dick, and Prue is disillusioned. She calls him out on his dickishness and snaps a picture of him when he leaves dickily.
Another horror movie. Piper and Leo walk in while Ponytail is working his violence magic, but it doesn’t work on them because of magical contrivance. Ponytail sends out a really terrible looking Bloody Mary from the film to go after them. Piper’s freezing doesn’t do anything to her so they run off.
Mari: If she weren’t so murdery, I bet Phoebe could help with her make-up too.
Stephanie: Manor. Phoebe is still sucking face with Billy in the attic, so she doesn’t hear anything when Prue gets attacked by Ax Slasher. Prue runs upstairs (yes, good job) and the three of them hide behind various pieces of furniture while Ax Slasher axes everything in his way.
Stephanie: Piper arrives in time to run upstairs and she stabs Ax Slasher with a random chunk of wood that would make Buffy proud. They take a moment to identify the baddies from their respective movies. Ax Slasher is from the movie Ax Husband. Hahaha. Unfortunately, Ax Husband (I can’t NOT use it. It’s too great) starts to rise up again because you can’t kill something that isn’t real.
Everyone runs downstairs where Bloody Mary is waiting. She stabs Billy, but he’s not real either so it doesn’t hurt him. Billy struggles with Bloody Mary and everyone runs away in different directions because they’re not very smart. Piper, who is the least smart, hides in the shower and is immediately filled with regret for doing so. She gets scared when someone starts lurking around outside the curtain the way a murderer would, but it’s just Prue, acting like a murderer for no reason.
Upstairs, Phoebe explains that just like Billy, the only existence the killers know is the one they had in their films, so maybe the only way to kill them is the way they were killed in the movies too. Good thing Phoebe’s suddenly a horror movie expert because she knows how they all die. Bloody Mary appears, but she walks very slowly so that Phoebe has enough time to explain what to do. Bloody Mary has to be pushed out of a window, and Ax Husband has to be electrocuted. Prue just runs on past Bloody Mary to give Billy the new information. Phoebe uses her kicks to knock Bloody Mary out of the window and she disintegrates like a burnt piece of film. At least I think that’s what that effect was supposed to be.
Mari: That’s very charitable. All the bad special effects look the same to me.
Stephanie: Hey, this effect is really different. Usually we get twinkly sparkles. This one has SMOKE.
Prue gets tossed upstairs because I guess Ax Husband is throwing people around now instead of killing them. (M: Did he put his axe down to toss her?) Ax Husband slow-mo walks, and Billy runs upstairs to save the day because that’s the man’s job. I don’t like him anymore. Prue says that in the 21st century women do the saving, and Billy is like, “oh okay, cool,” and stops helping. She magics a conveniently placed portable heater into Ax Husband’s arms and Phoebe throws a conveniently placed bucket of water at him. He’s electrocuted. Piper is like, “it’s over!” and Phoebe is like, “don’t say that!” because this episode truly thinks it’s Scream. Also, you didn’t even vanquish the demon yet, dummy.
The horrible attempt at horror parody continues when the doorbell rings and everyone slowly approaches the door even though we all know it’s probably just Leo or Morris. And yep, it’s Morris, here to fill us in with information that is neither new, nor interesting. There are murders straight out of the movies at theaters all over the city, etc etc. The P’s tell him that the murders seem like they’re straight out of the movies because they’re literally straight out of the movies. Morris makes lots of “fed up with this” faces and then his beeper (lol) goes off and he heads back to the station. Thanks for dropping by, Morris.
The P’s wonder how they’ll find Ponytail, and Billy reveals that he’s been traveling along in his movie. For some reason, the girls know everything about this film’s schedule, so they figure Ponytail will make another appearance during the final midnight show. Prue says they’ll have to defeat him by going into the movie world. And what do you know? Phoebe knows the perfect potion for getting them in and out of movies. Sadly, they’ll have to leave Billy in the movie once he’s back inside. Womp womp.
Theater. The P’s and Billy arrive and that guy who was watching the film at the beginning of the episode is STILL there. What the heck? Billy’s movie girlfriend is pissed that he’s with a real girl. He tells her that they’re there to help, and they all chug down Phoebe’s nasty potion and step into the film.
Mari: They also throw the potion vials and there is a loud glass cracking sound. I know this was probably the least weird thing that happened all episode, but C’MON. WHO DOES THAT?
Stephanie: Everyone makes it in except Prue, who gets attacked by the lone film goer, now under the thrall of Ponytail’s violence magic.
Prue scuffles with Ponytail’s Thrall while the others fight Ponytail himself inside the movie. Ponytail isn’t too concerned though, because the movie’s about the end and you know what bad things happen when the movie ends, right? No? Well, me neither because we never find out. Instead of taking the potion to get them out of there, Phoebe and Piper start to panic as the movie fades to THE END. Prue astral projects into the projection room and rewinds the film and now they’re like, “how about those potions?”
Ponytail mocks the P’s some more and that gives Prue enough time to mess with the projector motor and burn the film to vanquish him. I don’t know enough about film to understand if this makes any sense, but it’s dumb regardless.
Mari: Tagline or what? “Charmed: It’s Dumb Regardless.”
Stephanie: I like it.
Up in the projection room, the projector dude thanks the P’s for waking him up to stop the burning film, and Prue gives him a little side hug, which is such a weird thing to do to a stranger. I’m only recapping this because it’s really unusual and it made me uncomfortable.
Mari: First the glass throwing and now this. Who are these people?
Stephanie: Down in the screening room (if you couldn’t tell, I’m just making shit up to describe different parts of the theater. feel free to be like, “GOD, it’s called a __, Steph!” in the comments), Phoebe and Billy share a final moment. I guess his movie is made of magic since they can still talk to each other even with the demon gone. (M: And Billy didn’t burn because of magic! And no one is paying attention to Phoebe talking to the magic movie because of magic! And somehow we survive these episodes. Because of magic.) Phoebe thanks Billy for restoring her faith in men, by, I don’t know, kissing her a lot? Yeah, sure.
Back at the manor, Leo and Piper are cuddling on the couch. They discuss their disastrous date and it doesn’t sound anything like the one we saw earlier, so I guess they went on another one? When did they find time to do that? (M: No, they are being duper dramatic about the one we saw. Hold your shock.) The front door is open, so Dan strolls on in with a breakup box. It has all of Piper’s stuff that he kept in case she decided to come back to him, but now he realizes that it’s time to move on. They’re sad. Will this breakup eeeveeer end? Prue comes in, and Dan leaves while awkwardly holding her hand. What is even going on with Prue’s weird touching moments?
Piper asks Prue to change the subject from Dan and everyone gathers around to hear about her boring day at work with Finley. The editor loved her photo blah, blah. My only take away from this is that I’ve been calling the editor an art director. On her way home, Prue picked up the VHS of Billy’s movie for Phoebe. Phoebe loses her shit and runs off to watch it. Girl… come on.
Mari: Were there masturbatory undertones here or just me?
Stephanie: I don’t want to think about it.
We fade out with Phoebe watching the film alone in her room while looking kind of sad but also kind of hopeful. It’s a little depressing, to be honest.
Next time on Charmed: Phoebe meets a girl researching demons in S02 E19 – Ex Libris.
I'm a miniature adult who still gets offered the kid's coloring menu at restaurants. I like to pretend I'm an illustrator, but mostly I spend my time complaining about TV on Twitter. My life dream is to have my consciousness placed into an android body so that I'll have more time to watch/read things.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
