Grey Chapter 15 – Where’s the pie?

Previously: “Please don’t hit me.”
—

Marines: I honestly kept forgetting to write this recap. I’ve never been so proud of my brain.

Anyway.

“Her sharp intake of breath is music to my dick.”

Can I just start using “music to me [body part]” in real life now?

We start this chapter right in the middle of a goddamn conversation because EL James is the worst. If you’ll recall, Ana wanted to talk about Grey’s messed up childhood and he was like, “no. Vagina balls.” The deal is that Grey is going to spank her and fuck her, and if she’s still awake, he’ll answer her questions. Grey says Ana’s pupils are “larger, darker, with her need and her thirst for knowledge.”

Okay, everyone try to make your eyes real thirsty for knowledge right now. Is it working?

Grey tells Ana to suck on the balls and she squirms around while doing so. This is all stuff that happens in Fifty Shades, of course, so here are the amazing additions from Grey’s point of view:

Oh yes.

Enough.

Oh, Ana, my little freak.

It’d be okay if you wanted to cry into your drink of choice right now while thinking about how much extra money EL got for this.

Jessica: The swiftness of editors pushing this across their desks without editing it is music to her bank account. 

Alex: Meanwhile I’m confused about how Grey can possibly find Ana sexy while she’s sucking on two Kegel balls. Surely she must just look like a pouching hamster right now.

Mari: We get a page and a half of Grey giving Ana instructions to bend over (A: including the super-sexy word ‘perineum’) and then finally inserting the balls. He asks her how it feels and Ana says it’s a good strange. He sends her out to fetch a glass of water, claiming it’ll help her get used to the feeling. While she’s gone he thinks about stocking up on more condoms. Fascinating.

Ana comes back with the water and Grey tells us that she’s breathing heavily and irregularly, which is supposed to be a sign of arousal, but really just makes it sound like Ana had to jog to a well to get that water.

Grey starts to get Ana into position for her spanking.

“Boy, she’s really turned on. So different from the last time I spanked her.”

That’s how I feel about his “last time I hit her, it wasn’t about sex AT ALL…” sentiments.

J: This is why any attempted apology for that previous scene falls spectacularly flat. There is no other way to interpret it. RAGE.

Mari: Grey tells Ana to ask him and she’s super confused because he doesn’t specify what, just keeps saying, “ask me.” The last time he sharply tells her that he won’t say it again. Her life apparently on the line, Ana thinks quickly and figures out what he wants. She asks him to please spank her. Grey takes in the words but doesn’t tell us whether or not this counts as music to his genitals.

He reminds Ana again that this spanking is for both of their pleasure and “then smack[s] her right there.” Right where? RIGHT THERE, OBVIOUSLY. No, not there. No. No. Not there. RIGHT THERE.

So he starts smacking her all over, commenting on how pink her skin is turning. Once he’s done with that, he takes out the balls and they have sex. He’s gentle because Ana wanted to make love so I guess that just means that EL put “gently” at the beginning of this sentence and by the end of the paragraph, Ana is orgasming. Grey does  as well but it makes him feel icky inside, because his ejaculation apparently came with an extra helping of emotions.

Ana is super sleepy from her 3-thrust sex, but she fights against it so she can hear Grey spill the beans about his messed up childhood. Grey sighs, as he’s rubbing ointment on her butt, and delivers the line that still brings me so much joy:

“The woman who brought me into this world was a crack whore, Anastasia. Go to sleep.” 

Ana bravely fights against the command to go to sleep to ask, “was?” Grey says the Crack Whore is dead. He tells her to go to sleep again and she does.

J: In my first glance of her line, my brain interpreted it as “Wha?” Which was definitely my reaction the first time I heard his story-sentence about the crack whore. 

Mari: That sentence is forever wha.

Grey dreams of apple picking again, but this time Christian is upset because Elliot is picking apples, biting into them and throwing them away. Elliot calls him “Maggot” but sadly doesn’t add the “let’s bake a pie,” so Christian is PISSED, as we all would be if essential pie-baking was left out of something.

Alex: Has anyone told you lately that you are the absolute BEST?

Mari: I try my best, especially where pie is concerned.

Christian starts punching Elliot repeatedly in the face in his memory-dream. Papa Grey comes running over to break up the fight and ask what’s going on. Christian tells Papa Grey all about the wasted apples. Papa Grey tells Elliot to come with him and tells Christian to collect the apples. “You can help Mom bake a pie.” 

J: A+ for all the pies. Especially comparing Christian to Joffrey. Yes.

Mari: Grey wakes up and tells us that he’s just dreamed of his grandfather’s apple orchard again, in case we missed that when we read the entire MF dream one page ago. He tells us those were “happy, angry” days. Grey only comes in angry modes, but once upon a time, there were happyangry days.

J: So like, hangry? #Layers

Mari: Hangry is taken. Apparently no one else has ever needed a word for happy angry.

Ana is still sleeping and he decides to let her rest. He grabs Ana’s clothes and goes out to the living room. Poor, long-suffering Mrs. Jones is there. Grey hands over Ana’s clothes so she can launder them ASAP. Mrs. Jones smiles at Grey but he says it’s feminine and secretive, so already in his head he’s like GOD MRS. JONES. IT’S NOT THAT BIG A DEAL A WOMAN IS HERE ON A MONDAY. Once again, he’s fighting with himself because no one said anything. He goes into his study and fake works for a while.

We cut to Mrs. Jones bringing Grey another cup of coffee. He drinks it.

Alex:

Mari: We cut to Grey getting dressed while Ana is still sleeping. He puts on his watch and pockets his last condom because “you never know.” This is really ruining our whole head canon that Grey had a little factory in his pocket that PRODUCED the condoms. EL James ruins everything.

Grey calls Andrea, who patches him into Ros, who is pissed about how Grey never does any work. His response is to start demanding that Ros liquidate some company NOW NOW NOW. “It’s shit-or-bust time,” and I got really excited because I thought that this was Grey using this phrase AGAIN, but apparently the first time we came across this phrase, Ana was just eavesdropping on this conversation. Lame. I want shit-or-bust to be a thing Grey says always.

Alex: Oh, he’s definitely said it multiple times now. But I quite enjoy thinking that this might be something that E. L. James herself says a lot in real life. That would be hilarious.

Mari: My favorite part is that everyone in E.L’s life would hear her say this, and no one would correct her of course.

Ana enters and Grey keeps having business-y phone chats no one cares about. He tells Andrea to get an extra ticket for him to some event because he’s taking Ana as a date. He doesn’t ask Ana if she wants to go or anything like that.

After Grey hangs up on Andrea (who was apparently way excited that Grey has a date) (J: I believe she “squeaked.” Music to her vocal cords?), Ana walks over and they start making out. He tells her to go shower or else he’s going to have sex with her on the desk. Ana says she wants the desk.

“Her words are a siren’s call to my libido.” 

…are we going to have to start collecting these? First she’s talking to his groin, then her breathing is music to his dick and now her words are a siren’s call to his libido. Which also kind of means that she’s luring his libido in to kill it. I mean, I’m not objecting.

They have sex on the desk for three paragraphs until she comes spectacularly and then he comes spectacularly. Grey is so surprised because Ana “jumped him” and I’m pretty sure she just said, “let’s have sex on the desk” and Grey was the one throwing papers and pens like a maniac but OKAY.

Alex: I’m mostly upset that he threw his phone on the floor along with the papers and pens. I mean, I know he’s rich enough to own all the soil in Africa or whatever, but still. You should take better care of your things, Grey.

Mari: I mean… he thinks he owns Ana and look how he treats her…

Ana looks into Grey’s soul or something (seriously) and he wants to run away from her but then he thinks about how maybe Ana might have sex with someone else and how awful that would be. He tells her that she is his (SOOKIE IS MAHN) and she’s like, “okay, bro. Yours.” and Grey’s sudden jealously recedes.

He asks if she’s sure she has to go to Georgia. She says yes so he’s sad. He also thinks about about how no one has ever jumped him. To me, “jumping someone” means surprise beating them up. “Jump your bones” means sex but this whole thing is weird, because Ana didn’t really instigate anything. It’s like he’s astonished that Ana wanted sex and he did too! AT THE SAME TIME OMG.

Ana comments on how Grey is always prepared with a condom and he says that a man can dream and sometimes his dreams come true. Ana asks if having sex on his desk has been a dream.

“Sweetheart. I’ve had sex on this desk many, many times, but always at my instigation, never at a submissive’s.
This is not how it works.” 

Oh, cool, so he IS making a big deal about this because Ana wanted it it. She wasn’t even the first one to mention it. Grey said the stuff about desk sex and she was like OKAY and his whole entire world is rocked.

J: This is so terrible and frustrating. The mere thought of her being with another person sends him into a jealous rage, whereas he’s all ‘yeah I’ve banged on this desk many times’ and instead of her flying into a jealous rage and, say, stabbing him with a letter opener, she just sad pandas and probably wonders what she’s done wrong.  I hate them both.

Alex: And ‘Sweetheart’? Ugh. Condescending much?

Mari: Much.

Ana can somehow read Grey’s thoughts and gets sad. She asks Grey why he’s acting more weird than usual. He doesn’t fess up so Ana just heads off to take her shower.

While she’s in there, Grey calls Andrea to make sure his jet is free, probably for any stalking that may or may not happen while his girlfriend is out of town. He has another business call and it’s about whatever thing he’s going to open in Detroit but he really, really doesn’t want it to be in Detroit because of childhood trauma. Grey wonders at the fact that Ana didn’t mention his Crack Whore Confessions and wonders if maybe she wanted sex this morning because she thinks she can sex his childhood trauma away. (A: I know I shouldn’t laugh, but… LOL) He doesn’t like this thought because he’s doing JUST FINE. He follows up that thought with, “actually, maybe I should talk to my therapist about this.”

Out in the kitchen, it’s breakfast time. Ana tells Mrs. Jones that she isn’t hungry, but LOL. Not happening while Grey is around.

Alex: I’m raging about a lot of very trivial stuff in this chapter, but what annoyed me most about this scene was the fact that he told Mrs Jones to make pancakes, bacon and eggs for Ana, but an omelette for himself. So now she has to faff around making two entirely different breakfasts. And Ana doesn’t even want those damn pancakes.

Mari: That’s hilarious and well observed. Why pancakes, bacon and eggs, Grey? Why?

He offers to let Ana use his private jet to go to Georgia, but she says no thank you.

J: I don’t know, if you’re going to put up with all this guy’s bullshit, you might as well enjoy the perks like private jets. It’s not like refusing it will keep him from stalking you anyway. Did I mention that I hate everything? 

Alex: After Ana refuses the jet, Grey thinks ‘surely most women would jump at the opportunity of taking a private jet, but it seems material wealth really doesn’t impress this girl‘. Did I mention that I, too, hate everything? But not as much as E. L. James hates her fellow women.

Mari: It’d be difficult to hate anything that much. Maybe famine and war.

Ana asks Grey about why he doesn’t like to be touched but he growls at her and doesn’t answer. Ana says she’s going to get going and Grey’s like, “aw, don’t leave. I’m gonna miss you.” He’s surprising himself and Ana, but not us. No, not us because, while this may seem sweet and out of character, we know that Grey just expresses opinions that are directly in contrast to whatever Ana wants. She’s ready to leave? Aw, please don’t go. I cleared my morning for you.

She insists and he walks her out. They make-out in the elevator on the way down. Grey wishes her safe travels and she’s off.

On the way into work, Grey calls the guy who actually does all the stalking for him. He tells Professional Stalker to find out which flight Ana will be on to Georgia. Ana hasn’t bought the ticket yet, but when she does, Grey will be ready. “My cunning plan is falling into place,” Grey thinks. Maybe he meant to say “cunty.”

Andrea is surprised to see Grey in the office earlier than he said he’d be there. He snits at her in his head but then just asks for some coffee. She asks if he wants it with our without milk and he gives her a mental “good girl.” Keep planning that hostile takeover, Andrea, and be glad you aren’t privy to his thoughts.

At his desk, Grey checks his email. The first one is from Mrs. Rape asking to hear about this new girl he took to family dinner. Grey ignores that one. Professional Stalker calls to say that Ana hasn’t bought a ticket yet but he’ll keep monitoring her entire life, or whatever.

Grey finally gets in contact with Caroline Acton, who is a stylist. Grey orders a “capsule wardrobe” in blues, greens, silvers and gem colors. Money is no object.

J: Bad writing moment here (I mean, they all are, but)– She writes that Caroline Acton “responds with her usual enthusiasm.” That description is entirely useless. We don’t know this Acton woman, we’ve just met her. Maybe she is always crazy enthusiastic. Maybe she is really laconic and not enthusiastic at all. This description gives us absolutely no information. I know this is a tiny thing in the grand scheme of things but I can’t help myself. RANT!

Mari: These moment are what we’re here for.

The really important task of buying Ana clothes done, Grey takes a call from Professional Stalker next. He’s got the information on Ana’s flight. Grey calls in Andrea, gives her the flight information and tells her to upgrade Ana to first class and buy the seat next to her on all her flights going there and back. Andrea gives Grey the look we’re all giving our screens right now but Grey says she recovers quickly.

J: She just keeps mentally repeating to herself “more fodder for the takeover, more fodder for the takeover.”

A: So, in FSoG when Ana was all ‘what if he bought the seat next to me HAHA AS IF, that would be crazy!’, here we get confirmation that yes, that is exactly what he did. Just in case we were ever tempted to doubt his stalking credentials for even one second.

Mari: All the behavior Ana laughs off as too crazy to be actual things? Actual things. A+ boyfriend.

Grey has more meetings, works out  and then heads home. After dinner he plans to answer Elena’s email but finds one from Ana instead, just saying that her interviews went well and asking after his day. He tells her that his morning was cool and his evening was dull. Ana says same for her but he weirded out after sex. She also wants to ask questions about Mrs. Jones, but doesn’t want him to weird out some more. Grey thinks I’M NOT WEIRD, even though three pages ago he told Ana, “weird is my middle name.” Plus we get this bit of repetition: Perhaps she’s realize how surprised I was when she jumped me– and no one’s done that for a long time.” 

OKAY, WE GET IT GREY. DEAR GOD.

They banter some more about how “impeccable” their sexy times is and then Ana ask if Mrs. Jones is an ex-sub. AS IF.

I’m just running through these because they are all copy/paste from Fifty Shades.

Grey finally answers Mrs. Rape and says that it’s not a big deal that he brought a girl to dinner. Mrs. Rape says that’s bullshit and asks to have dinner the next night. Grey thinks, “fuck!” and emails back “sure.”

Later that night, Ana writes him another email thanking him for stalking her flight and upgrading her. She got a pre-flight massage and everything. Grey is happy for her but makes sure to ask who has been massaging her back. As Grey is emailing, he checks to see if her plane is departing on time. Ana writes that Jean-Paul gave her message because she hasn’t learned that her boyfriend is not the kind of man you joke with.

“Is she trying to make me jealous? Does she have any idea how mad I can get? She’s been gone for a few hours, and she’s deliberately making me angry. Why does she do this to me?” 

Oh, hey, this is the part where Grey “jokes” back about Ana traveling in the cargo hold next time, bound and gagged in a crate. You can tell how much less of a joke it is now that we’ve got Grey’s “I CAN GET SO ANGRY” thoughts to go with it. Cool.

Ana writes back all, “tell me you are joking or I’m not coming home.” Because she doesn’t know if her boyfriend is joking about locking her up in a crate. SHE DOESN’T KNOW IF THAT’S A JOKE. IT MAY BE HONEST. Grey thinks, “of course I’m joking… sort of.” 

Grey writes back just to yell at her in case she’s using her phone after she’s taken off. She doesn’t reply so he figures he won’t hear from her for a while. He’s in a foul mood now, though, and even snaps at Taylor who did nothing to deserve this shit. Grey broods about how this relationship is not progressing in the direction he wants it to. He hopes that some time in Georgia will help her make the right decision. I don’t even know what decision this is anymore because he’s basically been hitting and fucking her anyway?

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Grey drinks and broods and plays piano and BOOM. My chapter is done.

See you later; I’m going to go puke or die.

 

Trauma Flashback:

– When Ana is sucking on the Kegel balls, she’s thinking about how it’s even sexier it is than toothbrush sharing.

– When Ana first wakes up, she spends some time in bed wondering if she can fix Grey with her love. She also uses the unfortunate metaphor of wanting their relationship to be like a see-saw where they are both sitting in the middle.

– ” I like to imagine Grey getting dressed that morning and putting the condom in his pocket all, “never know when Ana might stop by my study!” Boy scout indeed.” — Marines, August 2012.

– Ana was really confused about how her clothes got laundered. We find out that it was just because Grey picked them up from the floor and gave them to Mrs. Jones. Also, it’s the plum dress that’s in question. It’s always the plum dress.

– Ana tells us that Grey has “literally” gotten under her skin because you know. Murderer.

– Ana goes on a interview with Jack Hyde, evil boss man.

Baby Count: 6

Favorite Comment Last Post: It puts me right off sexytimes if the guy doesn’t fold my dress neatly. YEAH YOU FOLD IT REAL GOOD. – Regina

 

Next time on Grey: An email that is like four pages long, for real, on Tuesday May 31, 2011.