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#snarkathon – Twilight

Annie: Have you had enough Twilight yet? Well, that’s too bad, because we decided to have a Twilight Snarkathon. Let’s get right to it.

The movie opens with a shot of a forest and a deer being chased by some unseen creature. This thing pounces National Geographic station style on the deer.

Next, we get a Bella voiceover explaining that she’s moving to Forks. In the film version, Bella tells us that she’s moving to Forks because her mom and her minor leaguer step-dad are going on the road, and she doesn’t want to. Bella’s carrying around a cactus in a small pot at the start of this scene and it’s fucking ridiculous and hilarious and can we just talk about how much I’m shipping these two?

The voiceover continues, as Charlie drives her home from the airport. Bella’s talking about the rain and the clouds, and we get some awkward non-custodial father with his miserable teen daughter dialogue.

Choppy cut to my two favourite characters being introduced in the same scene! Jacob’s wig and the Wow. Free. Truck. Billy Black is there, too. We get the explaination on where the truck comes from and we get the background info on Jacob and Bella’s relationship all in one scene. Lucky us.

Bella gets to school, meets Eric and she’s all ‘I’m misunderstood’ but so far, not nearly as terrible as she is in the book. I can’t believe I’m saying this by someone portrayed by Kirsten Stewart, but… there you go.

Bella meets Mike and Jessica in gym class, and at lunch, we get to meet some of the other supporting characters whose names I don’t remember. Then we get to the moment: when the Cullens show up, Bella asks about them.

Next, we get the biology class that has so generously gifted us Snark Ladies with the Bella smells gif that we love so much.

Smelly Bella

Edward acts weird, bails on class and then goes to beg out at the guidence counselor’s office.

And here, unlike the book, we get a look at some potential plot. Some guy is running down a staircase at a warehouse, chased by some unseen thing. He gets murderfaced.

The next morning, Bella falls on ice and runs into Charlie who’s coming back from the investigation at this plant where someone was murderfaced by ‘some animal’. Do we get to do ‘some animal’ shots for the movie? I say yes. Bella goes to school, Eddie isn’t there for a few days, so she’s a sad panda. When he reappears a few days later, his eyes are a different colour, which he poorly explains as being bad lighting. WHATEVER, EDWARD.

Outside, after school, Bella nearly gets squished by a van, but unfortunately for us, Edward saves her. This part of the movie highlights some of the terrible CGI and acting. At the hospital, we get to meet Dr. Cullen for the first time and see the first glympse of Rosalie’s dislike for Bella. Girl, I am so with you there. She’s the worst.

We get the awkwardy written scene where Bella tries to ‘confront’ Edward about how he was across the way and then magically at her side.

The next morning, the kids are at school getting ready to board a bus for a field trip, and I wonder if this is a substitution for the kids’ trip to the beach, because, god that would make sense. That trip sounded like a field trip, not a group of teenagers heading out to the beach with no supervision. But no, this scene is orchestrated to have a lot happen in a short amount of time, because film adaptation.

Mike tries to ask Bella to prom, she says no, she’s going to Jacksonville the weekend of prom (a lie she makes up on the spot), and then pushes Mike to ask Jessica to prom. Edward, who had been nowhere near them when she’d had the prom conversation, asks Bella why she’s going to Jacksonville and tells her they shouldn’t be friends, because RED FLAG.

Back at school, Bella gets invited to the beach field trip outing with the gang, and she drops her apple and we get the whole Edward catching the apple using his foot that made all the teens swoon.

Bella questions Edward about his weirdness, he refuses to answer her questions, but instead goes on about how they shouldn’t be friends, even though he keeps stalking her. He asks her instead to tell him what she thinks and she talks about kryptonite or something. He tells her he’s a bad guy and she is all ‘noooo, I trust you, you’re not’ cuz she’s the dumbest. She invites him to the beach, but he refused to come because reasons.

The movie decides the teens should be a bit more believeable on this outing, so they’re surfing and having a bonfire. Jacob, Jacob’s wig and friends show up, and Jacob tells his scary story about how the Cullens are vampires and Jacob’s ancestors are werewolves, without ever using the words vampire or werewolf. Still, Bella is stunned and confused and asks Jacob what the Cullens are, and Jacob laughs it off, because it’s just a story.

After Bella uses Google a bit to research Jacob’s scary stories, the girls make plans to go on a road trip to Port Angeles for prom dress shopping. Bella comes along because she wants to go to a Port Angeles book store to buy a book on werewolf and vampire legends.

In Port Angeles, the girls are trying on dresses in front of a floor-to-ceiling window and some men walk by, cat-calling them. Bella bails on the girls to go to the bookstore. Legit, I hate those shopping trips where you’re dragged along to give your ‘honest opinion’ about how something looks on someone else. It never ends well. On the way back from the bookstore, the cat-callers from earlier find her, but Edward and Volvo Sparkle save her. Edward’s crazy driving and anger is so much more terrifying in the movie. Like holy shit, Bella. Where is your sense of self-preservation? He takes her to the restaurant where she was supposed to meet up with her friends, who have finished dinner. Eddie insists on Bella eating something, so they have dinner and talk about Edward’s psychic ability or whatever and he’s just such a dick. Like, even a bigger dick in the movie.

After researching vampires using Google, Bella walks past Edward and up into this forest behind their school. He’s a stalker, so of course he follows her. And that’s where we get the big vampire reveal. She tells him she knows what he is, he shouts at her to say it and then we get the ridiculousness of the Bella-as-backpack, the ‘you’re my heroin’ and ‘I could murderface you’ all in one scene.

We get treated to a montage of the two of them together, and at the end of it get ‘the kiss’ where Edward demands Bella display no sexuality whatsoever, and then freaks out when she does.

Eddie takes Bella to meet the folks. Rosalie’s mad, Esme thinks it went well, and we get to see Edward’s bedless bedroom, with the music. At one point, Bella tells Edward that she doesn’t dance and he tells her he’ll make her, because of course he will.

More plot shows up, with Charlie, some cops and tracker dogs find a human-ish looking footprint while searching for this ‘animal’ that’s killing people.

Charlie gets introduced to Edward. Bella tells her dad that they’re off to play baseball.

As the vampires are playing a very weird version of baseball, the nomad vampires appear to ruin all their fun. These scenes are just so much more ridiculous when you see them on the screen. I just…. I don’t know what else to say about them.

The Hale-Cullens go on their ‘save Bella’ mission, splitting up to hopefully throw tracker James off the trail. Bella, with Jasper and Alice head to Phoenix to hide out for a while. Esme and Rosalie are watching out for Charlie… We’ve just recapped the book, so this is all pretty much the same.

James draws Bella out with the fake phone call from her mother, she slips away from Jasper and Alice and goes to the ballet studio where James tries to murder her face, and ends up biting her. The Hale-Cullens come to save the day, Carlisle talks Edward through saving Bella from the vamp bite.

The scenes in the hospital are fairly similar to the book, too. Bella’s mom is there, then peaces out the second Bella wakes. Edward wants Bella to go to Jacksonville to be with her mom, and she’s all ‘nope’.

Back in Forks, Edward takes Bella to prom. They don’t spend a lot of time at prom, and go outside to be alone. Bella dances on Edward’s feet and they debate whether or not he should turn her into a vampire.

It’s super romantic, can’t you tell?

 

As the movie ends, there’s a chick watching Edward and Bella, because of course. The angle of the shot moves and we see that it’s Victoria.

And she looks mad. Or sad. Who know, no one in this movie knows how to act.

Hello, plot set up for the next movie, is that you?

Fade to black.

The film adaptation of Twilight had 65% more plot, but they had to. Otherwise this would’ve been completely unwatchable. Oh, wait.

Surprisingly, I found Bella to be a bit more tolerable in the movie version and hated Edward so much more. Jacob’s wig and Charlie are still the best parts of this movie.

On to the fantastic tweets!

 

Written by

Annie

Fuchsia-haired, caffeine enthusiast, dog person, Raptors fan, sometimes blogger, music & social media geek, freelancer, human being. She/her.