Previously: Donna’s first visit to an alien planet didn’t exactly go to plan.
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The Sontaran Stratagem
Kirsti: We open at Rattigan Academy, which looks a hell of a lot like Francis Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters. But whatever. (M: I’m sure it’s totally different.) A bunch of teenagers in red hoodies and tracksuit pants (sidenote: I find it fascinating how many different terms exist for tracksuit pants. In Australia, they’re generally trackie daks. In the US? Sweatpants. In the UK? Tracksuit bottoms. TELL ME WHAT YOU CALL THEM, I NEED TO KNOW) drag a well dressed woman out of the building and down a flight of stairs as she yells at them to release her.
They drop her to the ground, and throw her stuff after her. A weedy little nerd boy in a grey hoodie and jeans sasses at her and tells her to spell his name – Rattigan – right if she prints it.
Reporter Lady tells him that this goes beyond the media – the whole WORLD needs to know that ATMOS is dangerous, and she’s going to find someone who believes her. She gets in her car, which has an ATMOS decal on the window. ATMOS, it seems, is both a sat-nav system and an omission control system in one. She asks it to take her to UNIT headquarters. Have we encountered UNIT yet in New Who?? I suspect not.
Mari: I suspected yes and a quick search of our own recaps tells me it was at least mentioned in “Last of the Time Lords” and “The Sound of Drums.”
K: I pay attention, really I do…
Inside the Academy, Ratti-nerd tells someone off screen that Reporter Lady is a freelance journalist, and that he recommends she be terminated. The offscreen someone is watching him from a little monitor, and snaps that they don’t take orders from humans. Ratti-nerd smirks that he said “recommend“. Offscreen Someone says “Then your advice shows military wisdom. She will be terminated.” Ratti-nerd thinks this is super cool.
Meanwhile, Reporter Lady leaves a voicemail for Colonel Mace of UNIT, saying that she’s been investigating ATMOS related deaths, and that she can’t prove anything but there has to be a link and the deaths need further investigation. As she talks, she follows instructions from her ATMOS until she finds herself on a patch of riverbank, very confused. She’s all “Uhhhh, the fuck, ATMOS??”. It informs her that she’s reached her final destination, locks the doors, puts the car in gear, and drives into the river as Reporter Lady screams.
Mari: After I’m done here, maybe I’ll go order an emergency hammer for my car.
K: Good life choice.
Elsewhere, Donna’s manning the controls in the TARDIS with great enthusiasm.
In contrast, the Doctor looks like a terrified parent, taking their kid on a first driving lesson. Just then, a mobile phone on the console starts ringing. Donna’s all “…YOU HAVE A MOBILE PHONE??” The Doctor stares at the screen and says, “not mine.” He answers, and we cut to a familiar face. “Doctor? It’s Martha, and I’m bringing you back to Earth!” she says excitedly.
DOO WEE OOO!
After the credits, Martha waits by an alley. The TARDIS vworp vworps in, and she grins. The Doctor walks out, and there’s a bit of an awkward moment before they grin at each other and hug. Donna walks out of the TARDIS, and Martha looks a little broken before commenting that it didn’t take the Doctor long to replace her. The Doctor introduces them, and begs them not to fight because he can’t stand that. I’m kind of tempted to borrow a round of Misogyny Shots from the Supernatural drinks fridge, because ick.
Mari: I think he’s mostly reacting to Martha’s reaction, which was already defensive and hurt. I think this is less of a GIRLS! thing and more of a companions thing.
K: Let’s go with that.
Martha and Donna shake hands and Donna gushes about all the wonderful things she’s heard about Martha. Martha gets a little sheepish. Donna spots a ring on her finger, and smirks that it didn’t take her long to get over the Doctor either. The Doctor’s all “EXCUSE YOU, WHAT??” and Donna rolls her eyes as she says, “She’s engaged, you prawn!” It’s glorious. Donna Noble is glorious. I love everything about this.
Martha says that it’s a doctor from the hospital and that he’s currently working in Africa. She jokes about having found herself a doctor who disappears off to distant places all the time. Donna asks if he’s skinny, and Martha says he’s not. Donna points at the Doctor and jokes that he’s so thin, you get a paper cut when you hug him. They laugh together, and the Doctor bitchfaces because this totally isn’t going how he’d planned.
K: Truth.
Martha pulls out a walkie talkie and announces that “Operation Blue Sky is a go“. A whole bunch of troops, jeeps and trucks roll past them, and raid ATMOS. Martha tells the Doctor they’re looking for illegal aliens. Donna demands to know if the Doctor turned Martha into a soldier. The Doctor’s as surprised as she is. Meanwhile, Ratti-nerd’s Offscreen Someone watches the raid happening and refers to the UNIT troops as “toy soldiers” that will be easily destroyed.
Martha says UNIT rushed her through her medical training, so now she’s fully qualified and also working for UNIT, who are super excited to meet the Doctor. He… is not. Martha leads them to the control centre that’s been established at ATMOS, and introduces the Doctor to the man in charge, Colonel Mace. Mace salutes the Doctor, who’s all “Ew, no”, then gushes about how the Doctor is still technically on staff after working with UNIT in the 70s and 80s. The Doctor comments on how high tech UNIT is now, and Martha says they’ve got tons of money from the UN.
Mace says they’re super modern to fit in with the modern world. Donna snaps that it looks more like Guantanamo Bay, introduces herself, and demands a salute. God, I love Donna Noble. (M: +1)
Mace obliges. The Doctor changes the subject, wanting to know what’s going on. Apparently 52 people were poisoned to death simultaneously the previous day in 11 different timezones, and they were all in vehicles with ATMOS fitted. The Doctor’s all “WTF is ATMOS??” and Donna’s all “Bitch, please. Even I know that, and I missed the Titanic sailing over Buckingham Palace on Christmas Day…”
Martha walks them over the factory floor while infodumping: ATMOS reduces your car’s carbon dioxide omissions to zero. And you get sat-nav included. They suspect it’s alien. Mace shows an ATMOS device to the Doctor, and Martha says they checked it before it went on sale and found nothing. That’s why they needed an expert. “Really. Who’d you get? Oh, right. Me, yes. Good,” the Doctor says. It’s kind of adorable.
Cut to a couple of UNIT soldiers exploring the Basement of Don’t Go In There by torchlight. The sensible one suggests that they head back because his schematic says there should only be boiler rooms down there. The other wanders further, and the lights suddenly flash on. At the end of the corridor, two burly men are guarding a door. The UNIT soldiers tell them that they should have evacuated. “This area is out of bounds,” one of the burly men says in a mechanical way.
The UNIT soldiers are basically all “U WOT?”, and start to threaten the burly men, who don’t respond. The Offscreen Someones watch some more and then one declares that he’s going to enter the fray himself, like a good warrior. He gives the order to let the UNIT soldiers pass. They head through the door, and into a room full of vats and weird lights. The sensible one radios in that they’re found something as the clearly-has-a-death-wish one wanders towards the vats.
Mari: Poor Sensible Ones always get stuck with someone with a death wish. Employment is hard.
K: It really, really is.
The sensible one suggests that maybe they should wait for back up before going any closer to the vat of boiling liquid, but no. Something inside the vat bangs, and Sensible freaks. Clearly-Has-A-Death-Wish decides that there’s someone inside and that they need to open it. Sensible radios in again, requesting immediate help. CHADW (M: I’m saying that chad-wuh in my head and it’s great) gets the lid off, and the vat is full of bubbly murky green liquid that’s hella stinky. A Gollum-pale body hurls itself up out of the water towards CHADW, who stumbles back. Sensible aims his gun at the figure, which has no eyes and a half formed mouth.
He radios in again while CHADW notices that Gollum’s head turns towards whoever’s speaking. He asks if it can understand them. He spots a cord poking out the back of its neck, and suggests that it’s an umbilical cord. Sensible looks freaked. CHADW says it clearly isn’t even properly alive and seems harmless. Sensible gives him “ARE YOU FUCKING DENSE??” face. Gollum flops back into the green liquid. CHADW says he thinks it’s an embryo and that someone’s growing human bodies.
“Excellent skills of deduction!” says Offscreen Someone. The camera pans around to show us a short dude in a blue spacesuit, complete with helmet. CHADW sasses about how short it is while Sensible aims his gun at Offscreen Someone. Offscreen Someone declares that “words are the weapons of womenfolk“, so now I’m DEFINITELY raiding the Supernatural drinks fridge for Misogyny Shots. (M: Yes.) He shoots a bolt of light at CHADW’s leg, and he winds up on the floor in agony.
Sensible tries to fire his gun, but LOL NOPE. There’s apparently a gas in the air that stops them from working. Also, their radio signals have been blocked. Offscreen Someone – who I suppose I should rename. UGH – shoots the same bolt of light at Sensible, and he doubles up too. The burly men wander in and are ordered to prepare Sensible and CHADW for processing. CHADW asks who the eff is this (sorry. Hamilton has taken over my brain), and Offscreen Someone introduces himself as Staal the Undefeated. He removes his helmet, but all we see is his eyes. Nonetheless, Sensible screams for help.
Back upstairs, the Doctor is studying the ATMOS device. He declares it to be “Decades ahead of its time“, but not alien. And then he gets snarky because Mace is standing near him while carrying a gun and the Doctor doesn’t like people who carry guns. I have a small dose of feels for Mace because he was so excited to meet the Doctor, and now the Doctor’s being a dick to him. But also, “I don’t like people with guns hanging around me” is exactly how I feel any time I set foot in the US. So.
Mari: To be fair, you live in a country with all of these creatures that want to kill you and eat you.
K: Yes, but NO GUNS. That said, I had an encounter with a hunstman the size of my hand in the toilet of a historic house recently. I’ve never peed so fast in my life.
Mace gets tetchy and leaves. Martha points out that some people have to stay behind to protect the planet when the Doctor’s not around, so she’s working with UNIT and hoping to make them better from the inside. The Doctor gives her an approving grin. Donna walks in and says they’re totally looking in the wrong place for weird shit, because she’s just been down in HR and found weird shit aplenty. Namely that no one’s taken sick leave. Ever. Martha’s impressed. (M: Me too.) She heads off to start a medical examination of the employees, and Donna goes with her.
The Doctor finds Mace on the factory floor, and asks where ATMOS came from. Mace says it was Ratti-nerd, who was a child prodigy, became a millionaire overnight at the age of 12, and now runs a school for handpicked geniuses from all over the planet. The Doctor says he wouldn’t mind going to genius school because “I get lonely“. It’s meant to be funny, but when you’re watching this in like 20 second increments, it just comes across as creepy. (M: Ewwww.)
Elsewhere, Donna asks if she should warn her mum about ATMOS. Martha says it’s probably a good idea. That leads them to a conversation about where Donna’s family think she is, and Martha says keeping the Doctor a secret from her family put them all in danger and they got tortured. “It wasn’t the Doctor’s fault, but you need to be careful. Because you know the Doctor. He’s wonderful, he’s brilliant, but he’s like fire. Stand too close and people get burnt…” she says.
Sensible and CHADW reappear from the basement, all pod people-y, and stand by the door with the burly men. Onscreen Someone says that conditioning is now complete, and they’re to do their duty and advance the conquest. They head off towards the factory. Then he walks back into the room of vats and lights, wibbling about advancing the stratagem to end Earth. He walks into a teleporter and disappears.
Meanwhile, the Doctor and Mace are bickering because the Doctor wants to go and see Ratti-nerd alone, but borrow a UNIT jeep to get there. Mace calls out to a soldier who looks about 12, and tells him that he’s to take the Doctor to Rattigan Academy, and that he’s to take orders from the Doctor. The Doctor doesn’t like this at all, because EW ORDERS. Mace salutes cheekily and leaves.
Donna walks up and informs the Doctor that she’s not coming to Genius School. She’s going home. The Doctor sad pandas because there were so many places he wanted to take her. He starts rattling them off, the Tinkly Orchestra tinkling, then realises all too late that she’s just going home to see her family, and then she’s coming back. Donna smirks and calls him “A great big outer space dunce.”
I love their friendship so much. She says he can drop her off on his way to Genius School. They pile into the jeep and 12 Year Old Driver drives off. Sensible and CHADW watch them go.
Across the factory, Martha’s now in a lab coat with a stethoscope. She asks the employee she’s examining some questions, but he just answers that he’s there to work. She listens to his heart, which is going a mile a minute, and asks how many hours a day he works. “Twenty four,” he replies. She’s all WHUT and asks him to wait there. She heads out onto the factory floor, and Sensible and CHADW appear, saying that Mace wants to see her. They lead her off into the factory.
The jeep drops Donna down the road from home, and the Tinkly Orchestra tinkles as she has flashbacks of all that’s happened since she started travelling with the Doctor. Then she sees Wilf putting out the rubbish. He sees her and waves happily. She runs towards him. They hug tearfully, and OW MY FEELS I’M NOT CRYING YOU’RE CRYING.
Mari: Yeah, I’m definitely crying.
K: I want Wilf to be my grandpa, basically.
Sensible and CHADW have led Martha to the Basement of Don’t Go In There. She’s momentarily suspicious, but heads inside nonetheless. When she sees the tank of green goop, she tries to run, but they grab hold of her and she screams as the door closes. The camera pans back down the corridor, the lights going out as it does. Martha keeps screaming.
Chez Noble. Wilf flails excitedly over aliens being real, and asks if travelling with the Doctor is safe. Donna says that the Doctor is totes amazing, but to never tell him she said that. Wilf suggests that she not mention anything about this to her mother, so obviously Donna’s mum walks in to snap about how useless they both are. Ugh. She’s just the worst. Donna and Wilf exchange adorable long suffering facial expressions.
The Doctor chats to 12 Year Old Driver en route to Genius School and is informed that the reason they have ATMOS in the jeeps when they think it’s totally dodgy is because the plot demands it it’s standard in all government vehicles. They arrive at Genius School, and are greeted by Ratti-nerd, who’s an absolute little shit. The Doctor fanboys over all the cool things the students are doing, then corrects Ratti-nerd’s grammar.
Ratti-nerd bitchfaces. He calls 12 Year Old Driver a grunt, and gives the Doctor shit for saying “ATMOS system” when the S already stands for system. “It’s been a long time since someone’s said no to you, isn’t it?” the Doctor says. Ratti-nerd gives a “neener-neener I’m still right” response. The Doctor looms over him (because Ratti-nerd is a shrimp), and is all “Cool story, but you totes didn’t invent this thing on your own.”
Mari: As a side note, I like 12 Year Old Driver. I also like that in the absence of Donna, the Doctor immediately just kind of uses him as a placeholder to joke and snark with.
K: YES. He was pretty great, in a 12 Year Old kind of a way.
The Doctor points out that a big part of being clever is making connections other people don’t see. And he’s clever, which is why he’s spotted the fuck off sized teleporter in the room. He hops into it, pushes a button, and vanishes. Cut to him appearing on a spaceship full of Offscreen Someones. One of them yells about an intruder. “How’d he get in? In tru da window! Bye bye!” the Doctor yells. He hits another button and vanishes again. What a fucking dork.
Meanwhile, 12 Year Old Driver is gibbering over the fact that Staal is basically an angry baked potato with limbs. The Doctor plays with a squash racket and ball, and tells 12YOD not to be rude because the Sontarans are the best soldiers in the galaxy, and they only have one weakness. Staal the Angry Baked Potato is all “EXCUSE YOU, WE HAVE ZERO WEAKNESSES”. But no. The Doctor says they’re fed through a valve in the back of their necks, and it’s their one weak spot.
He whacks the squash ball into the teleporter, and it slams into Staal’s neck valve. Staal doubles over. The Doctor and 12YOD run for it. They pile into the jeep and speed off. Ratti-nerd rushes over to help Staal but is waved away because Sontarans don’t need no stinking help. They teleport back to the ship, and Staal orders his minions to take them to battle stations. He asks about ATMOS, and Ratti-nerd tells him that half the devices have been installed. Staal is pleased. Ratti-nerd relishes the idea of millions of people dying simultaneously. I work with teenagers so I’ve known a lot of arrogant little shits over the years, but this kid takes the cake…
Anyway, a Potato Minion says that they’re about to infiltrate UNIT. Staal orders him to oversee it. Potato Minion teleports to the Basement of Don’t Go In There. Martha, strapped into a machine, is all “The fuck are you??” Potato Minion introduces himself as “Skorr the Bloodbringer“. He says that he’s used hypnotic powers to control Sensible and CHADW, but with Martha, they need more. He presses some buttons on the green goop tank, and Gollum starts to morph into Martha.
Back on the spaceship, Ratti-nerd stares down at Earth. He tells Staal that the Doctor should be in a jeep with ATMOS installed. Staal hisses that there’s an ancient Sontaran enemy named The Doctor, and that he’s a face changer. He mentions the Time War and the Doctor’s role in it, and is basically super pissed that the Sontarans weren’t involved in it because it sounds hella cool. We pan out as the Sontaran spaceship heads down towards Earth.
Basement of Don’t Go In There. Martha struggles against her restraints, and Potato Minion tells her not to because “the female has a weak thorax“. You watch your tone, potato boy, or I’ll slice you in half and spread butter on your guts. (M: Ewww.) (K: Sorry. In my head, he’s literally a potato.) Martha demands to know what they’re doing, and Potato Minion says the clone (Gollum) needs full memory access. Gollum is now Martha 2.0, and Martha freaks, then passes out.
Staal is informed that they’ve located the Doctor’s jeep. He gives orders to activate its ATMOS unit. In the jeep, 12YOD tries to radio in, but the signal is blocked. The sat-nav orders them to go left. The Doctor tells 12YOD to try going right. No dice. Up on the spaceship, Ratti-nerd flails excitedly about getting to see the Doctor die. As the jeep speeds towards the river, the Doctor establishes from the sat-nav voice that it must contradict any orders he gives it.
He orders it to drive into the river. It screeches to a halt right on the edge. He and 12YOD jump out and sprint away, diving for the ground as ATMOS has a meltdown. Then there’s a little pop and puff of smoke from the ATMOS unit. “Oh. Is that it?” the Doctor says, almost disappointed.
Mari: It was so easy to get it to stop, you almost want an explosion after that.
K: RIGHT?!
Up on the spaceship, the ATMOS unit disappears from their screens, and Ratti-nerd flails some more. Little shit. Anyone got a spare Youth Mauling Bear? Because this asshat needs one.
Basement. Martha 2.0 is ready and waiting to advance the Sontaran battle plan. She heads off, followed by Sensible and CHADW. Meanwhile, the Doctor rings the doorbell at Chez Noble. Donna answers, and he says “You would not BELIEVE the day I’m having!“. He inspects the family car, which obviously has ATMOS fitted. He sends 12YOD off to requisition something without ATMOS.
Wilf dashes out of the house, desperate to meet the Doctor. He stops dead when he sees him, and says “OH! It’s you!“. The Doctor does the same. Donna’s all “you’ve met?!”. She’s cranky that Wilf didn’t say anything. Donna, meanwhile, is phoning Martha. Or, more accurately, Martha 2.0. The Doctor grabs the phone and tells Martha 2.0 to tell Mace to look up the Sontarans in UNIT’s files. That should give him everything he needs. But under no circumstances is UNIT to engage – they’ll be massacred. She promises to tell him, then obviously hangs up and tells Mace nothing.
Noblemobile. The Doctor sonics the ATMOS unit some more, and Donna’s all “…….you tried that already”. He says that now he knows it’s Sontaran, he knows what to look for. Wilf, meanwhile, gives a protective grandfather speech that gives me Knowing the Future Feels. The Doctor says Donna takes care of him, not vice versa, and Wilf’s all “Yeah, that sounds about right!” Donna glares.
Mari: It’s adorable, though. In such a short time, the Doctor has come to see Donna as someone who takes care of him.
K: The Doctor sonics some more, and metal spikes pop out of the ATMOS unit. Apparently they were in a temporal pocket, slightly out of time with everything else. Donna’s mum wanders over and recognises the Doctor from Donna’s disastrous wedding. She’s not well pleased to see him, because when he turns up, everything goes to shit. As proof, the metal spikes start spewing out gas. The Doctor ushers everyone back.
Spaceship. An Angry Potato tells Staal that a converter has been activated. Staal concludes that it has to be the Doctor. He declares it time for war. The troops prepare for battle and start heading for Earth. Back in Chiswick, the Doctor sonics some more. The ATMOS unit in the car explodes. Donna’s mum is hella pissed because the Doctor ruined her car. She storms off. The Doctor and Donna discuss what the gas could be. Donna suspects it’s poisonous. On the spaceship, Staal gives the order to activate all the converters.
Wilf, in typical granddad fashion, decides it’s safest to get the car off the street. He hops in and starts the engine. The doors lock themselves, and the car starts to spew gas from the exhaust. Wilf can’t get out. Donna can’t get the door open. The Doctor sonics furiously. All across London, parked cars are spewing poisonous gas into the atmosphere. At the factory, Mace yells at his soldiers to turn off their vehicles. But it’s every ATMOS car on the planet, and there’s nothing they can do.
Wilf starts to choke as gas fills the car. The Doctor yanks furiously at connections on the engine. Staal and his troops start chanting “Sontar-ha! Sontar-ha!“. Ratti-nerd joins in. Wilf collapses. Donna screams the Doctor’s name aaaaaaand we fade to black.
It’s always hard to judge the first part of a two part episode. I liked that we see Martha, back on Earth and using what she’s learnt. I like that they didn’t do a catty old and new girlfriend thing between Martha and Donna. I like Wilf being involved. But I also find the Sontaran to be possibly the most annoying of the recurring Doctor Who monsters (sorry, Strax fans), and I want to punch Ratti-nerd in the dick repeatedly. So…probably middle of the pack at the moment.
Mari: I don’t remember disliking the Sontaran. I also don’t remember how this all gets resolved so right now, I’m just all:
I'm a 30-something librarian and I still live with my parents because I'm super broke. Leader of Team Heartless Cow. I have an inexplicable love for 90s television, eat too much chocolate, and read more than is good for me.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
