Previously: The bad guys defeated themselves and the apocalypse didn’t happen.
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Be Careful What You Witch For
Stephanie: It’s only taken about a year, but it’s finally time for the end of season 2! Will everything finally come together in a way that makes any sense? Probably not.
Marines: Perhaps it will at least be an exciting and thrilling end to the season? Nope, not that either.
Steph: We open with some kind of council of old dudes in pentagram-decorated yellow robes standing around someone called a Dragon Warlock. Dragon Warlock sounds ridiculous, but he has a pleasant voice so I already like him more than all the other villains.
Everyone’s all mad because witches. Dragon Warlock is prepared to destroy them, but there’s just the one little problem of everyone getting vanquished by the P’s bad poetry. One of the Yellow Robes has a solution. He snaps his fingers and smoke and a man pour out of an urn. Both Dragon Warlock and I are like, “seriously a genie?” but the genie knows how to defeat witches: grant them their desires by treating them like humans. But… they’re already humans, aren’t they?
Mari: Yep, but you have to treat them like humans which means close to nothing but that’s the plot, okay?
Steph: Fiiine.
The monks decide to let this goofy genie have a shot at taking the P’s out even though he’s probably just going to try to go free, as genies do.
At the manor, Piper is wrapping up Phoebe’s foot because she injured it kicking a beast. Phoebe asks Leo if they’re on some kind of cosmic hit list and he offers her some worthless platitudes as reassurance.
But wait! That’s not all the relationship drama! Prue comes downstairs, ready for a date with someone Phoebe refers to as Dull Dick. Thanks for naming the characters for me, Pheebs. Prue’s not really into the guy, but she’s going out with him anyway because what’s life without dates? Piper tells her that she doesn’t need Dick and everyone’s all, “lol, dicks.”
Before they make it out the door, the P’s find a fancy box on the front porch. Even though they were just discussing how everyone is out to get them, they decide to open it. It’s the genie urn. Phoebe is like, “ew, it’s dusty!” so of course, she starts to rub it with her bare hands and out comes genie.
I AM THE SAHN.
After the usual establishing shots and bad music (I think. Honestly, I just skip this part now), Phoebe is grilling the genie about where he came from, while Prue has the nerve to insult his outfit. Girl, do you see your clothes every day? This guy lives in an urn, what’s your excuse?
Mari: Lack of Dick. That’s her excuse for everything.
Steph: The genie lies that all he knows is they’ve let him out and now he’s there until they make wishes. Leo’s not convinced, because genies are tricksters just looking to be free. In fact, no one is convinced by him, which surprises me. I thought they would immediately start wishing for more dates and bad clothes. Leo gives everyone the run down on genies which basically boils down to “don’t make wishes.” Everyone still has stuff to do so they leave Phoebe to consult the Book.
Date Cafe. Prue is with Dull Dick, who is being extra dull by thinking everything on the menu is “fine.” All the guys on this show suck, so I can’t tell what makes this one any worse than the others we’ve seen. While Prue’s face is hidden behind a menu, a mini-sized Genie appears and leaps into Dick’s mouth. Dick sputters for a moment, and then starts stuffing his mouth with butter. He’s gross. Genie Dick tells Prue that he knows he’s too dull for her and asks what she really wants. She admits that dating feels like a job for her now. So… don’t date?
Also, instead of being weirded out by Dick’s sudden butter-lust, Prue gently wipes his mouth with her finger. I had to highlight this weirdness because it really grossed me out. Prue is always all up in everyone’s personal space. Remember that time she side-hugged a movie projectionist? (M: I honestly remember that detail but not how long The Source has been relevant…) Anyway, Prue wishes she could feel the way she did the first time she fell in love, and Genie Dick is like “DONE,” and snaps his fingers.
Mari: I brought this up almost five years ago in a Goosebumps post, but why do people in bad wish stories always casually say, “I wish?” Does anyone frequently use this expression in real life?
Steph: I say, “I wish I had more money” a lot but nothing ever happens.
Back at the manor, Phoebe’s flipping through the BoS. Genie appears and is all loud and obnoxious. He tries to tempt her with “absolute power” but Phoebe isn’t interested. Genie calls her a rocket scientist and poofs away. I have no idea what just happened.
P^3. Piper is all “ladeeda Dan, my problems, etc” at Leo. She wishes she could just tell Dan the truth about Leo being a Whitelighter. Um, maybe Dan doesn’t spend all his time thinking about you guys? Who am I kidding…
But this isn’t even really about Dan, it’s about fucking Piper, of course. Leo has watched her whole life, but she doesn’t know where he spends his. Seems like he spends most of his time with you, dork. I swear, Piper just pulls random problems out of her butt so she has something to complain about. She tells Leo she wants to know where he goes when he orbs out.
Dan comes out of no where and gets really upset when he sees these two all happy together. Wow. Get over it. Leo leaves so Piper and Dan can talk, and genie poofs in to listen behind some chairs. Dan asks how Piper can still be with a fraud, but Piper tells him she’s already known everything about Leo. Dan gets mad that he spent so much time worrying over this for no reason. Dude, no one told you to snoop around Leo’s history like a weirdo. Dan leaves and Leo comes out from behind the curtain he was waiting behind the whole time? Piper wishes Dan would move on with his life. Genie does his excited wish granted snap. He’s so annoying. And what the hell does any of this have to do that Dragon Warlock?
Mari:
Steph: Genie poofs away and back to the manor scaring Phoebe. All she’s been able to figure out while researching is that she has to get the Genie back into the bottle, but that’s not going to happen unless he does it himself. He starts giving Phoebe’s injured foot a wish-free foot massage. It’s weird. She asks him what he would wish for and he says he wants little things like tasting ice cream and sex. Basically, he wants to be human. I think this is supposed to endear him to us so that we root for him to be human, but I just want him to go away. (M: I want Phoebe to stop getting so cozy with every male that enters her house.) They talk about Phoebe’s injury and Genie makes fun of her when he finds out her powers are useless. Phoebe says she would love an active power and apparently that counts as a wish because genie snaps his fingers and his genie choker disappears. He leaves Phoebe wondering where her new power is.
Piper and Leo come home and spot Dan outside his house. She goes over to him and finds out that he got offered a job in Portland. There’s even a real estate sign on his lawn already. He says it’s time to move on, and Piper looks sad, probably because his life won’t revolve around her anymore. (M: Oh no! What will she complain about next?!) Piper goes back to Leo and tells him something isn’t right, but before she can continue Prue comes speeding up in her car. She gets out and we see that she’s now Teen Prue because she has braces and stupid wig. Also, in case we were really confused about what’s happening, she tells Piper she looks old.
Phoebe calls out for help and when they all rush inside they find her floating near the ceiling. After a not!break, Leo has somehow managed to bring Phoebe down. Does he fly? Did he orb up to her? I have no idea what’s happening again. Prue is amazed by all the magic stuff, and I can’t take her seriously because she looks and sounds ridiculous. They figure out that she thinks she’s 17, and Leo explains that she probably wished for something she could only get at that age. Shit, at 27 I guess I missed out on those first-love feels.
Mari: It’s probably because you deny dull Dicks, I think.
Steph: Leo says they’re vulnerable since Prue didn’t have her powers at 17 and she can’t remember anything about being older. Phoebe thinks this means whatever sent them the genie could have been a demon. And with that, the Dragon Warlock storms through the front door yelling that he wants his power back. Turns out, Phoebe’s gift of flight came from him. It’s a good thing Leo just happens to know everything right away, or else the writers might actually have to write things that make sense.
Everyone’s looking at Dragon Warlock from the stairs and Teen Prue announces that she thinks Dragon Warlock is a hottie. So… she’s exactly the same as always. Dragon Warlock spots them and blows fire from his mouth. Good grief. Piper freezes him mid-breath and Phoebe handles the rest by flapping her arms and flying him out of the house. This is happening. (M: Happy finale!)
Outside in the sky, Phoebe’s got one hand out like Superman and Dragon Warlock in the other hand. She drops him someplace.
Manor. Piper and Leo have found the Dragon Warlock in the BoS. He’s so powerful they’ll need the Power of Three to vanquish him. Shocking! Through the windows, we can see Phoebe stuck in flight. Eventually she crashes in. I get that she doesn’t know how to control the power, but this is ridiculous. I don’t know what I was expecting. Thanks to Phoebe’s earlier research, they know what to do. Find the genie and put him back in the bottle to reverse the wishes. He loves food so he’s probably at the date cafe.
And… Over to Mari to see if all of this gets wrapped in 2 seconds of iambic pentameter.
Marines: Fingers crossed!
Date cafe. That stupid idiot Genie actually did go back to the one place the P’s could find him. Piper freezes the place and then unfreezes Genie. (S: What? Has she ever even done that before?) (M: Yep. You probably forgot because of Charmed-nesia.) Piper and Leo recap the episode: Genie tricked them and now a warlock is after them. Genie plays dumb and I really wish I could stop watching him eat.
Steph: Does he have to be so gross about it?
Mari: Leo and Piper grab him, Piper threatening him with his bottle along the way. But shock! Genie disappears, even though he’s not supposed to have any powers. Leo guesses that someone else with powers wanted him.
Yellow Robe Gathering. The Dragon Warlock accuses Genie of just using the witches to free himself, instead of destroying them as promised. Plus, he stole Dragon Warlock’s flying. Genie over-acts insists that this was all part of a master plan. He knew Dragon Warlock would be pissed about his powers and would go destroy the witches. That plan failed, but Genie tells them to try going after the witch currently without a power.
Steph: One of the Yellow Robes is caressing a snake now. They’re really trying to drill in the evilness of this group, but I’m still not entirely sure who they even are.
Mari: Cut to “17 year-old” Prue, taking money out of a wallet and sneaking out of the house. In the foyer, Phoebe answers a phone call from Morris. See, he got a call from the deputy mayor about a brown-haired girl flying around town without a plane. Phoebe doesn’t have much to say to that because she’s busy and Morris has fulfilled his 15 seconds on screen. Piper and Leo come back with the news that they lost the Genie. Phoebe says she’s been watching Prue, who is annoying and awful. Piper tells us in more detail that Prue went through a rebellious stage at 17 and fell in love with a guy who later attacked her. Grams went crazy when she found and maybe made this guy permanently disappear.
The doorbell rings. Piper sends Phoebe to check on Prue while she answers it. An old man is at the door. Piper asks how she can help and the old man asks why this is happening to him. Phoebe runs down and announces that Prue’s gone. Piper, in return, tells Phoebe that the old man at the door is Dan.
Steph: I like the attention to detail in Old Man Dan by keeping his Old Man Hair just as floppy.
Mari: It’s the only way we could identify him.
Prue drives like a rebel and checks her lipstick like a rebel. Dragon Warlock is standing on the road in front of her, so Prue slams the brakes like a rebel. DW walks to her window and asks for a ride, and Prue smiles at him like a rebel.
We head back to the Manor for a whinge session: Piper blames herself for Dan aging, they complain about Prue, and Phoebe whines about not being able to get a premonition on command. Phoebe says they have to find Genie.
Rebel Point. Prue and Dragon Warlock are parked and he’s laying on the bad boy spiel thick. He asks if Prue is scared of him and she shyly says no. They kiss, but Prue’s cellphone rings. Dragon Warlock turns it off for her and then gets supper aggressive with his kissing. Prue tries to fend him off, but he chokes her and goes demonic. Prue screams and runs from the car. Dragon Warlock gives a bored sigh and doesn’t give chase.
Genie comes out of the shadows and Dragon Warlock tells him that it won’t be long before she calls her sisters. It’s the perfect trap. Genie admonishes DW for hurting Prue and gets choked for the trouble.
Whingery. Piper is apologizing to Dan, who still doesn’t understand why he’s dying on a couch, when yesterday his hair was young, floppy and free. Piper comes clean about being a witch and Leo comes clean about being a white lighter. Old Dan doesn’t buy it, so Leo orbs in front of him. (S: REALLY? He’s rapidly aging, but a guardian angel is too much to believe?) Dan wheezes and gasps. Piper tries to hold his old man hand, but Old Dan isn’t having a bar of it.
Question: if Piper freezed him, would he stop aging?
Steph: Probably, but that wouldn’t bring the drama, would it?
Mari: Charmed: “Drama” over sense.
Phoebe is still in Prue’s room. She picks up her abandoned wallet and gets a premonition of the genie urn falling underneath the couch. Congrats, Pheebs, you got your premonition. Sorry it’s completely useless. She runs downstairs to tell he others about her useless premonition. They are interrupted by the phone. It’s Prue calling to say that the Dragon Warlock is trying to kill her. She’s at Golden Gate Park. Piper tells her to go hide under the bridge by the lake where Useless Dad used to take them fishing. Prue is freaking out, though, because she thinks Dragon Warlock is following her. The call drops.
Piper and Phoebe grab their jackets. Leo warns them that it’s probably a trap and they should have a plan: Phoebe should fly overhead to spot Dragon before he spots them. Thus endeth the plan. (S: Brilliant, as always.) Piper tells Leo to stay with Dan and off they go, Piper shoehorning in a line about it almost being light before they leave.
By the time they get to the park, it is light outside and they are not in as big a rush as I would expect them to be. Phoebe flaps her arms and flies away. (S: Do you think Dragon takes off with the arm flapping too?) (M: I hope so!) Just a few seconds after, Prue comes running out of the trees, yelling Piper’s name. Piper is telling her to go back and IDK why, but I think she might just mean, “SHHH!”
Genie grabs Piper and Dragon grabs Prue. He’s got a knife to Prue’s throat. Phoebe flies near and Dragon stabs Prue in the back with the knife. Phoebe crash lands. Piper manages to escape from Genie and freeze Dragon in the process. Piper and Phoebe run over to Prue. There is much panic and I feel a wee bit terrible for watching this whole scene with blank face, but honestly, how many times has Prue died already?
Steph: Don’t feel too bad. I straight up laughed my way through this entire scene. The distraught acting here is unlike anything I’ve ever seen.
Mari: Definitely one of a kind.
Piper says they need to get home so Leo can heal Prue. Genie asks what he’s done.
Manor. Piper and Phoebe carry Prue in and yell for Leo. He tries to heal Prue, but it doesn’t work because he can’t heal the dead. Much sorrow. Cut to black.
Steph: I can’t stop laughing. Something is wrong with me.
Mari: After the break, Piper and Phoebe are crying. Leo (S: Who has blood on his sweater even though he only hovered glowing hands over Prue.) walks in with the Genie, who is super sorry about what he did and would now like to go back in the bottle and reverse everything. The girls are skeptical, but Leo asks what they have to lose. Phoebe opens the urn and Genie smokes his way back in.
Phoebe can’t fly.
Dan wakes up normal on the couch.
In the kitchen, Prue doesn’t have a bad wig and braces on anymore, but she’s still dead. But! The genie is back in his bottle so all they need to do is wish for him to fix this. Piper runs for the urn but Dragon Warlock jumps in through the window and pushes her away. Phoebe kicks him and Leo grabs her out of the path of dragon fire. Leo asks if she saw where the urn went, but Phoebe didn’t… WAIT A MINUTE. PHOEBE HAD A HANDY PREMONITION ABOUT THIS. It’s under the couch. (S: So. Stupid.)
Leo orbs behind Dragon to distract him. Phoebe runs for the urn and rubs it. Genie is released and Phoebe wishes Prue alive. Piper runs to the kitchen to check on Prue and they come back in a second later, chanting that the power of 3 will set them free. Phoebe joins and before Dragon Warlock can escape, he’s vanquished.
So, like, why do they ever need bad couplets if they can just power of 3 everything?
Steph: Seriously! What the hell was that?
Mari: Anyway. Whenever later, Piper goes to visit Dan. He opens the door and the light is too bright for him because he’s been having emotions. (S: I’m laughing again.) He doesn’t want to talk to Piper and he’s sad that she ever told him her secret. He ~*wishes*~ he never knew.
At the Manor, Genie is filling them in on the [Yellow Robe] Council, saying it’s just a matter of time before they send someone new over to kill them. The girls take it in stride, saying it must mean that they are doing something right and that there is some method to the madness. Leo tells them to be careful what they wish for and Phoebe says she’s a reformed wish-a-holic. She doesn’t want any new powers. Prue points out that it was her premonition of something rolling under the couch that saved the day. Phoebe’s takeaway is that she just needs to work on controlling her power. Prue’s takeaway is that she just needs to find Mr. Right, not settle for dick. Obviously, she still needs a man, though.
Steph: That’s important lesson she learned after dying. This show is unreal.
Mari: Genie reminds them that they have two wishes left. They already know one: they want to make him mortal so he’ll be off the council’s radar and he’ll still get his freedom. Mortality is the consequence though, but Genie is okay with that. Piper walks in and says the other wish, though, is for Dan to be able to forget the witchy stuff and truly move on with his life without consequence. (S: And without consent.) Genie grants both wishes.
Piper walks outside and sees Dan running out to grab the newspaper, with 100% less light-sensitive emotion in his eyes. Genie comes out side and promises that there were no tricks involved in the wishes. He takes off and all I can think is that he’s suddenly mortal with no money or earthly possessions and no marketable skills. Good luck, bro.
Back in the Manor, the girls reflect on what a crazy couple of days and years it’s been. Leo hears a tinkle call and says he has to go, but Piper asks to go with him. She wants to meet TBTP. Her sisters are like, “girl, what?” but Piper tells them not to worry. She orbs out with Leo.
Prue telekinesises the door closed, as is tradition.
Thus ends our rousing conclusion to this season. Tune in next season to find out if Piper ever comes back from the land of tinkles, if Phoebe’s power ever becomes more useful, if Prue will die again and finally stay dead, and if this means that Dan is finally, finally, finally not a thing. (S: Please, please, please.)
All real important questions.
See you then!
Next time on Charmed: Onward to season 3 and Julian McMahon in S03 E01 – The Honeymoon’s Over.
I'm a miniature adult who still gets offered the kid's coloring menu at restaurants. I like to pretend I'm an illustrator, but mostly I spend my time complaining about TV on Twitter. My life dream is to have my consciousness placed into an android body so that I'll have more time to watch/read things.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
