Grey Chapter 20 – The end, except for the part where it’s not. Again.

Previously: Tudor choral music.
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Marines: Hey, it’s the start of a chapter, and Grey is waking up. He’s dreaming about wind and wakes up feeling like someone was just running their fingers through his hair. Ana is sleeping, though. Grey checks the time but tells us “it’s after 4:30 in the morning.” Look, it’s not that I’ve come to expect the exact time or anything, but why would you look at the clock and then give unspecific information like “after 4:30”?

Grey stares at the blinking light of the fire alarm.

He worries about not having a contract with Ana and Leila being out there somewhere, so he decides to go play some emo-piano. Ana soon joins him, probably because it’s before dawn and he’s filling the apartment with piano sounds like a dick. He tells her she should be in bed, like he wasn’t the one responsible for waking her up.

Jessica: He says he doesn’t play for other people, but tell me he’s not showing off right now. Especially after the next comment he makes.

Mari: Ana joins him at the piano and E.L. copy-pastes their conversation from the first book. I remember it pretty clearly because Ana asks what he’s playing and he says, “Chopin. A prelude. Opus twenty-eight number four. In E minor, if you’re interested.” Because who doesn’t love a good dose of condescension at after-4:30 in the morning?

She asks him about his piano playing but this joins the list of things he doesn’t want to talk about along with “everything not related to sex or controlling her life.” To change the subject, he asks if maybe she should be sleeping or something. Ana says it’s cool because of the time difference and also because she has to take her birth control pill. Grey continues to serve up condescension for breakfast with this gem: Only you would start a course of time-specific birth control pills in a different time zone. 

I’m sure she wasn’t thinking of it, Grey. She was really busy TRYING TO RUN AWAY FROM YOU.

Alex: But also, that is kind of a stupid thing for her to have done, right?

Mari: Definitely. We can say that condescendingly because we hate Ana. Grey… oh, I get it. He hates Ana too.

Anyway, Grey says maybe they can have sex over the piano, but Ana wants to talk. Grey admits that he would rather have sex than talk to Ana. It wasn’t a revelation the first time around and nothing new is added here from Grey’s point of view besides “I’m not in the mood for talking.”

Jessica: I feel like “nothing new is added here from Grey’s point of view” describes a depressingly large amount of this book…

Alex: Like… the whole thing? Actually, no, wait. That’s not fair. We did learn about how much he hates Chardonnay.

Mari: Too true.

They start kissing, but Ana brings up the contract. Grey says it’s moot now, but like all the rules still stand. So, like, not moot, but moot. And also it was never legally enforceable so always moot but never moot.

Grey says that he wants her to follow “the spirit of the contract” in the playroom and if she ever says no to him, “you’ll say no. I’ll have to find a way to persuade you.” And in actually new material, Grey thinks, “She should know this. She didn’t let me spank her in the boathouse, and I wanted to. But I got to do it later that evening… with her approval.” 

By “with her approval” he means that one time he bargained with her: a spank for some information about his messed up past.

Since Grey says that he still wants to hit her whenever she breaks one of his rules, Ana wants to review the rules.

Alex: Just interrupting to point out that over the course of the last three pages, Grey has thought three times about how his ‘rules’ are there to make sure Ana is ‘safe’. I call all the bullshit in the world on this one. Saying the word ‘safe’ a bunch of times isn’t going to fool us into believing any of this is OK.

Mari: I mean, it didn’t work on us…

Grey goes into his study and “fires up his computer” to print the rules. (J: They’re in the computer…..) (A: A+) He’s real confused about the fact that they are having this conversation at 5am. I’m confused too, because starting this chapter so damn early doesn’t bode well for how much I’ll have to cover. Pray for me.

Grey goes back out to the kitchen and hands Ana the rules. She reads them and rolls her eyes so Grey says he’s going to spank her RIGHT NOW. Ana says that he’s going to have to catch her first. Grey says this is all very thrilling and exciting for him up until he starts to realize that Ana may in fact run from him and isn’t jumping at the chance to get spanked for rolling her eyes.

Jessica: Let’s not forget this little gem of a line: “She wears a coquettish smile, which addresses my dick directly.” *waves* Hi Dick de Grey!

Mari: Grey chases her for a second and is like, “but like for real, are you serious right now? About me not catching you?” Ana is like, “duh” because she feels about punishment how he feels about her touching him. He gets all sad panda because I guess this is the first time he’s heard her, though what little plot there is of this book is basically, “Ana doesn’t want it.” But, kay, here we are.

Grey looks sad so Ana backtracks a little and says  that she doesn’t hate being spanked but she doesn’t like it either. Grey is like, “but last night in the playroom…” She cuts him off and explains that the Tudor choral music was weird as hell, but she does all this crap for him. She doesn’t really say any of that, but it’s implied in her, “I do it for you, Christian…”  She knows that he needs to hurt her, but she’s worried that he’s going to, well, hurt her.

“Fuck. Tell her.
It’s truth-or-dare time, Grey.”

Uh, why did we just go from playing tag to playing truth or dare? I don’t think that’s what E.L. really meant there. This is weird. (J: Next up, spin the bottle!) (A: Hey, E.L., why not ‘shit-or-bust’? If it ain’t broke…)

Grey admits that he knows why he needs to hurt her, but he doesn’t want to tell her because she would probably run away screaming. He grabs her and manipukisses her. Ana looks up into his eyes and asks him to show her how much it can hurt. This is weird, but this made me so happy because I didn’t realize how close we were to the end. IT’S ALMOST THE END! (J: Woo!)

He wonders for one toasty second if he can actually do this and then his internal monologue is like, “OF COURSE I CAN!” “There’s nothing that will satisfy the monster within me more.” 

Before he can change his mind, Grey grabs Ana and leads her to the playroom. He grabs a belt and tells her that she’s going to get hit 6 times for running away from him. So, if you were wondering what exactly Grey was thinking when he was beating Ana:

“I take a deep breath, savoring the moment, trying to steady my thundering heartbeat.
I need this. This is what I do. And we’re finally here.” 

So, there you go. Also, I don’t know where this “here” is because he’s spanked her before. So, he’s basically referring to some kind of “here” he was planning on reaching where he would be able to hit her as hard as he could…? I don’t know guys. I don’t know, but I don’t like it.

Jessica: The way I took it is, he’s finally “here” where he has Ana’s quote-unquote permission to commence this physical action. But I mean, the way he got here was through manipukissing and a bunch of emotional manipulation as well so, I call bullshit.

Alex: Yep, so much bullshit. She may have given her ‘permission’, but it’s so painfully obvious that Ana does not want to do this one bit.

Mari: He starts hitting her and Ana counts her lashes, shouting the numbers each time. Grey thinks, “there’s no one to hear you, baby. Shout all you need.” (J: #ThingsAMurdererWouldSay) He’s so damn disconnected from reality that as he finishes hitting her, he’s so happy because they have finally reached this perfect HERE where he gets to hit her really hard so he can feel “euphoric” and “punch-drunk.” 

Alex: Sorry to chime in again so soon, but this scene is just so fucking upsetting that I can’t help it. Now that we’re in Grey’s head, we get him repeatedly reminding us (between lashes) that Ana isn’t using the safe-word. This makes me want to cry, because it’s just setting things up so that everything can be Ana’s fault later.

Mari: In case there was someone reading FSoG thinking, “how could Grey have done this,” his thoughts reveal that he did it while thinking, “WEEEEE!!” and “HAHAHA NO SAFE WORD!”

Grey tries to grab Ana, but she struggles away from him. Grey notices that her face is all splotchy from crying and the abuse has tangled her hair, I guess, but Grey think she looks magnificent. He notices this first before he realizes that Ana is really mad.

“She’s mad. Really mad.
Okay, I hadn’t figured on anger.
Give her a moment. Wait for the endorphins to kick in.”

Yeah, spoiler alert, the endorphins don’t kick in.

Grey is still trying to figure out why Ana is so angry, especially because she never asked him to stop and she didn’t safe word.  (A: RAGE) Ana keeps on scowling at Grey and he’s so taken aback that he cannot form words. Ana calls him “one fucked-up son of a bitch,” and I wish she’d have stuck with these feelings forever and ever.

She tells him to sort out his shit and storms out of the playroom. Grey stays there trying to work this all out. Despite having just seen that reaction, Grey calls this one of the most satisfying moments of his life.

“People like me like inflicting pain.
But only on women who like it.
My sense of unease grows.”

This is page 505, by the way, and this super experienced Dom is finally like, “hmmm, I’m feeling a little bit uneasy about hitting a woman who doesn’t like to be hit…”

“I am used to making women cry– it’s what I do.
But Ana?”

Who cares about those other women! BUT ANA?

Oh my god, okay, so we’re finally getting like a full page of never-before-seen Grey thoughts so the misogyny just keeps flying:

“Just let her cry. She’ll feel better for crying. Women do, in my experience.” 

Grey goes back and forth between thinking everything will be fine now that Ana has seen his inner monster and everything will not be fine because maybe he played his abuse hand too soon. He panics for a second, thinking that she might have left so he runs out of the room. He runs around like a maniac, but Ana’s not in the living room or his bedroom.

“I take the stairs three at a time and pause, breathless, outside her bedroom door. She’s in there, crying.
Oh, thank God.”

She’s in there, crying! PHEW, AM I RIGHT?

Jessica: THAT’S REALLY LUCKY. SHE COULD HAVE BEEN DOING SOMETHING THAT DIRECTLY AFFECTED HIM!

Mari: Grey gets some advil, water and arnica cream for Ana and then lets himself into her room. He climbs in bed with her and holds her. Ana stops crying and they stay in bed for a long time. Ana falls asleep and Grey ponders the changing morning light because there’s nothing more important to think about right at this moment.

When Ana wakes up, he offers her the Advil and cream. She turns to face him and apologizes for what she said before. I don’t remember this at all. In my memory she calls him fucked up and storms out and then we finished the book and it was great. I totally blocked out all this cuddling and apology nonsense. Grey apologizes for hurting her and she smiles.

“I asked for it,” she says.
You sure did, baby.”

Make it stop.

Alex: I just… I can’t… nope. There are no words.

Mari: Ana says that she can’t be everything he wants her to be and Grey is shocked by this development as well. Grey says she is everything he wants, but Ana doesn’t get it. She isn’t obedient and she isn’t ever going to let him hit her again (spoiler alert: I WISH.) so like…?

“She’s not into this lifestyle. How can I corrupt her this way? She’s too young, too innocent– too Ana.” 

E.L. James thinks if you are into BDSM, you’re corrupt. You can direct all mail directly to her, thanks.

Alex: And yet any time anyone raises the subject of abuse in her books, she’s all ‘stop shaming people who enjoy BDSM!!!’

Mari: Grey says she’s right and he should let her go. Ana’s like, “but I don’t want to go!” And Grey’s like, “I don’t want you to go!” And seriously, how long before someone goes? Any second now, I’m sure…

Ana says she’s fallen in love with him and Grey suddenly has a flashback to his dad teaching him how to dive because that falling into an abyss feeling is what he feels after hearing that. Grey tells Ana that she can’t love him. He thinks about how Ana can’t love him because he’s a monster and when he said that he wanted her to be around forever and ever and never let her leave, he meant on a like basis, I guess.

Grey says he can’t make Ana happy and she insists that he does, even though she just cried herself to sleep and all, but okay. Ana asks if they’ll ever get past that one time (five minutes ago) when he beat the crap out of her and Grey says no. (Spoiler alert: she gets over it.) Ana says she’s going to go, then, and Grey tells her not to go. BUT HE JUST SAID… never mind.

Jessica: Being inside Grey’s head is like having continual whiplash. He finds something Ana does endearing, but also disapproves. He says he’s bad for her but also manipulates her into staying around. He’s continually confused by her repeated confirmations of feelings she describes out loud. It’s exhausting.

Mari: Ana grabs her stuff and goes to get dressed, leaving Grey to ask himself a ton of questions. She loves me? (I know, right? WTF.) How did this happen? (I don’t know. I was only ever going to recap the first book and now this.) How? (I already told you.) Why is this so painful? (Because it’s badly written, plotless, features two of the most abhorrent characters ever written and is full of abuse and misogyny. Ouch.)

Grey gets dressed while Ana showers and takes a call from Welch while he waits. Welch informs him that Leila left her husband and he’s washed his hands of her. He wants $2000 for more information. Grey loses his temper and when he looks up, Ana is standing there in an “ugly sweatshirt.” Grey hangs up on Welch.

Alex: Ugh, don’t you just hate it when people break up with you wearing ugly clothes? Come on, Ana, at least put on a nice cocktail dress for your breakup.

Mari: You are basically just confirming you are unfit to date if you insist on wearing ugly clothes.

Ana returns her laptop, cell phone and car key. Grey tells her to take them, but Ana doesn’t want anything that will remind her of him. She does want the money Taylor got for selling her car, though. Grey insists she take her fancy new car, but Ana holds her ground. She just wants the money.

“Money. It always comes down to the fucking money.” 

WHAT? YOU SOLD HER CAR WITHOUT HER PERMISSION. IT. WAS. HER. CAR. It’s not even your goddamn money she’s asking for.

Jessica: Yeah, WTF Grey/ELJ? If you don’t give her the money, you’ve basically stolen her car. You won’t even let her pay for a goddamn IHOP breakfast. This is bullshit!

Alex: The fucking billionaire who can afford at least a dozen cars is bitching because she dared to ask for HER OWN MONEY back. WTF indeed.

Mari: Grey calls Taylor and asks how much he got for the car. Twelve thousand. Grey hangs up and remembers about Leila’s husband also wanting money and gets angry again about how it all comes down to money. SO, because he’s real angry about people asking him for money, he decides to double the amount. Because that makes sense.

When Grey gets back out to the kitchen, he feels less angry and probably pretty silly about anger-doubling the amount of money. Grey says Taylor will take Ana home, but she doesn’t want the ride. Grey asks if she’s going to defy him at ever turn and Ana’s like, “THAT’S THE POINT.” Taylor tag teams with Grey, though, and goes to get the car anyway.

Grey has sad feelings about this being the last time he’ll see Ana. He wants to sniff her one last time, but Ana doesn’t want him to touch her and keeps backing away. Grey follows her out to the foyer, trying to memorize her face, like he isn’t going to stalk her entire life the second she’s out that door. (J: Ugh, right? Or buy the company that she works for…) Ana gets on the elevator and says goodbye. Grey says goodbye. The elevator doors close and Grey sinks to the floor.

When Grey looks up, he notices that all his Madonna paintings are staring down at him. Remember, his foyer is full of Madonna paintings because I’m pretty sure he has some sort of God complex and also he’s a creepy, creepy man. Grey can’t believe that Ana actually left.

“She promised me she’d never leave. I close my eyes shutting out those lifeless, pitying stars, and tip my head back against the wall. Okay, she said it in her sleep– and like the fool I am, I believed her.” 

OKAY, OKAY, so she said it in her sleep.

Alex: See how it’s all Ana’s fault for leaving now? And she sleep-lied when she told him she’d never leave! What a bitch.

Mari: Grey hears the elevator chime and thinks maybe Ana’s come back. It’s just Taylor, though. He asks if there is anything he can do for Grey. Maybe get those Madonna paintings to stop staring at him, or something. Grey says there’s nothing and Taylor leaves him.

He doesn’t sit there much longer because he’s got to call back Leila’s husband and take a shower. He uses a table to help himself up and thinks about how he would’ve liked to fuck Ana on that table. Like, lolwhut? That’s what you’re getting from this breakup? There were surfaces you would’ve liked to have sex on that were left unconsummated? Okay.

Grey takes a hot shower, but the shower reminds him of Ana.

He steps out and it really sinks in what this means.

“No more facetious, witty e-mails.” 

“No more of her smart mouth.”

“No more curiosity.”

Jessica: A+ gif game.

Mari: Grey yells at his reflection for a bit for letting her go but then tells his reflection that it’s good, though, because she’s better without him. He gives up on shaving, because he’s just going to keep having confusing conversations with his reflection if he stands in front of a mirror.

As Grey is getting ready, he notices a small box on his pillow. He opens the gift and it’s a model glider with a note that this reminded her of a happy time. Grey asks himself again why this is so painful. He dresses quickly and heads off.

“I will handle this better from my seat of power.”

He means his study. (A: Perfection)

There, he has a brief call with Welch and a brief call with Leila’s husband. Leila left him 12 weeks ago. Grey tries to figure out where she might be and why she may have come for him. He knows that she wanted more, but their arrangement was terminated by mutual consent. Leila was a great submissive… bibbut nothing like Ana! It was like two paragraphs since he mentioned Ana. That was weird.

Grey still doesn’t understand why he liked Ana so much, but these last few weeks have been awesome. For him. Grey’s like, “man, she doesn’t want me to hit her so maybe we won’t ever work… BUT SHE BOUGHT ME A GIFT!” Yeah, bro. She bought you a gift. That’s gotta mean something.

He wants to put the glider together to distract himself, but he finds the Cartier earrings in his desk drawer that he never got to give to Ana. Grey calls Andrea to have her cancel his attendance at the gala.

For the 57th time, Grey cradles his head.

After another page of feelings, Grey calls Taylor for some glue.

Taylor brings the glue and tries to get Grey to eat something, but Grey sends him away.

Jessica: My takeaway is that Taylor has a hobby and I love him and he’s way better than Grey and most of the characters in this novel. #TeamTaylor.

Mari: We cut to Grey having put the glider together. He thinks about showing it to Ana but whoopsies, she dumped you. Grey gets excited about a text, but it’s just from Andrea. He gets excited about a phone call, but it’s only Mrs. Rape.

Then, to end the chapter, Grey eats pretzels and watches the rain.

I just checked and we still have five more chapters until the end of this book (J: WHAT) (A: SRSLY?) and I have no damn idea what they could possibly full of, but if it’s all as exciting as  Grey eating pretzels and watching the rain, we may in fact die.

Baby Count: 5

Trauma Flashback: 

• This chapter corresponds with the final chapter in Fifty Shades of Grey, so seriously. Why isn’t this over yet?

 

Next time on Grey: I don’t know but Ana won’t be there on Sunday, June 5, 2011.