Previously: Alice was back to see if Bella was dead.
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Annie: Bella runs down the stairs and throws the door open to find Jacob at the front door. Well, not quite at the door:
“He was standing about 6 feet back from the door, his nose wrinkled in distaste, but his face otherwise smooth – masklike.”
Kirsti: Now, friends. I want you all to do something for me. Try and wrinkle your nose while keeping the rest of your face smooth. Please send pictures. Not owning a face is clearly something that SMeyer and EL James have in common.
Annie: Just tried that. Absolutely not sharing pictures of it.
Anyway, Bella apparently can tell that Jacob is feeling hostile towards her just by looking at him. Jared and Embry are waiting for Jacob in his car, and Bella says that’s because they were afraid to let Jacob visit her alone. Oh, so much cheatery narration and we’re just getting started.
Bella is annoyed that Jacob needs chaperones and says that the Cullens aren’t like that. Girl, some of the Cullens hated you while the rest enabled your wildly inappropriate relationship with a controlling, abusive dick. Do not even start with me.
Catherine: “Man, these other supernatural beings I was friends with were much more negligent with my safety. They were so much cooler.”
Marines: Also, Alice was just like, “I HATE werewolves and I’m definitely not going to stick around to meet one.” So… not like what, girl?
Annie: Bella says hello and when Jacob still does not respond, she tells him that Alice is gone. Jacob asks if they can talk, and Bella invites him in. Embry shakes his head at Jacob. He’s all like, ‘bro do not go in there!’ and that pisses Bella off. She calls someone a chicken. Embry or Jacob, it’s not clear which. Or maybe she’s just hungry. Who knows?
Jacob shrugs past Bella into the house and they trade sarcastic barbs. Basically, Bella’s house stinks of vampire and Jacob doesn’t want to be there. Or can’t be there, cuz it’s breaking the special treaty? (C: IDK the treaty is so poorly defined in this book. Just like the rest of the plot.) But first he has a few questions for Bella. Jacob asks Bella how long Alice is staying and if Bella can explain the Victoria situation to her. Because when it comes right down to it apparently the only thing that matters is keeping Bella safe.
K: Nooooooooo, the less you keep her safe, the higher the probability that she’ll die in a stupid way and this series will end two books early. GOD, JACOB. Get with the program.
Annie: Bella asks if that’s all, which is what I’m wondering, too. Jacob couldn’t have called and asked her these questions over the phone? He had to make the hour-long drive?
Jacob has one more question for her. He asks if the rest of the Cullens are coming back. Bella is sad and irritated that he would ask. She eventually tells him that no, no more Cullens will be returning. Jacob says that’s all he came for and leaves. Bella doesn’t even hear the front door close because Jacob moves so quietly now that he’s a wolf.
Mari: WHAT? Jacob moves so quietly it makes the door shutting quiet? Think about that one a little more, homie.
Annie: Bella slumps and buries her face in her hands because she feels sorry for herself. Jacob calls out to her and she explains why we’re hearing his voice:
“I pulled my face out of my hands to see Jacob hesitating in the kitchen doorway; he hadn’t left when I had thought.”
No kidding but I’ve already moved on to the bullshit that is this:
“It was only when I saw the clear drops sparkling in my hands that I realized I was crying.”
Girl. Stephenie. For fuck’s sake. Tears do not sparkle. If Bella were crying into her hands she would not have perfect droplets on them. She just wouldn’t. It’s not how crying works. I know you’re trying to be arty, or poetic. But just don’t.
K: This pissed me off so much. That is 1000% not how crying works. Like, have you ever actually cried, SMeyer? Or are you a robot? Actually, let’s go with robot. It would explain a lot about this super clunky writing.
Annie: Jacob is upset because he’s hurt Bella. She asks if she can be friends with both Alice and Jacob at the same time. Jacob’s all ‘LOL NOPE’, which is a dick move and also a red flag on the ‘is this relationship abusive’ scale. Isolating someone from their friends is a big no-no. But these two are so equally horrible to each other so maybe they deserve each other.
Bella asks if Jacob will still be her friend after, even though she still loves Alice. Jacob tells Bella that he’ll always be her friend no matter what she loves. And that makes me want to hulksmash. Because I feel like we’re making thinly-veiled comments about certain topics.
Et tu, Jacob? If Meyer’s goal is to make me hate all the characters, she’s definitely on track.
Bella then gets offended that Jacob is sniffing her and for some reason they have to have a conversation about how vampires smell sweet. (K: All this did was remind me of Edward being all “We smell good to you because it lures you in so we can eat you” in Twilight…) Bella and Jacob are both surprised that Jacob would have a werewolf smell and why is this the thing that is happening?!? WHY.
Bella and Jacob get back to telling each other they’re going to miss one another and Meyer demonstrates that she doesn’t fully comprehend what a Catch-22 is.
Bella wants Alice to stay because she will die “–metaphorically–“ if Alice leaves but she doesn’t want to be without Jacob either. But Jacob might kill Alice now that he’s a werewolf, and has to stay away because of the all powerful treaty.
Weak Catch-22. But okay.
Catherine: Now she’s gonna die if Alice leaves, too? WHAT is her clingy deal with Alice right now? Or does she do this with everyone now? Does she go into a breakup coma every time Charlie goes to the grocery store?
Mari: I like that she has to clarify that she’s metaphorically dying. It means that Meyer was at least a little bit aware that her main character was straight up suicidal, so that should be a thing she clarifies to readers.
K: Oof. This whole thing was just so stupid. SO STUPID.
Annie: That’s basically the synopsis of this book.
Bella complains about how she doesn’t like how things are and then racistly describes Jacob’s hand as being brown. He uses it to tilt her face up to look at him. I fucking hate when male characters do this to female characters. Do not manhandle a female character’s face, okay? Just please stop.
Jacob does some more face touching and Bella describes it as having her face trapped by his hands. He’s going in to kiss Bella, and she is freaking out because she hasn’t decided if she wants to kiss him yet. Which is a legit thing. Those are thoughts and feelings that make sense.
And then this happens:
“I didn’t know if I could do this, and now I was out of time to think. But I would have been a fool if I thought rejecting him now would have no consequences.”
Okay. Feeling pressured into kissing, or the like, is a thing that unfortunately happens. So these feelings Bella is experiencing in this moment are legit. But I find it so problematic because we see this often in fictional stories. At least I feel like this is used A LOT. And it’s totally okay to not to want to kiss someone. Say no. Back away. Tell the person you do not want it. Let’s show our heroines being okay with doing that for a change.
I feel like I’ve veered off into a mini rant. Oops.
Catherine: Nope. Rant away. You’re 100% right, Annie. This is yet another squicky thing that Meyer is throwing into her book without realizing it. We’re shown a male lead and romantic hero ‘trapping’ a girl’s face to kiss her and the girl thinking that she doesn’t want to do it but she feels pressured because she doesn’t want to lose him. You’re right that this is a legit thing that happens in real life but Meyer not dealing with it and dissecting what Bella is feeling here in a responsible way is a disservice to the young girls who read this book.
K: A+ rant is A+. CONSENT DOESN’T JUST APPLY TO SEX, FRIENDS.
Annie: Bella continues to have this argument with herself about how this isn’t her Jacob but he could be and that he is her safe harbour and how Alice is back just for a visit, so she will need a male crutch once Alice is gone. Jacob continues to move in for the kiss, and Bella is still undecided. The phone rings to save us from this garbage.
Jacob answers the phone (K: WHY?? Who answers the phone in someone else’s house without being asked?!) and tells the caller that ‘he is not here’ and after some cheatery narration as Bella describes Jacob’s reactions to the caller, Jacob tells the other person that he (Charlie, yeah?) is at the funeral and hangs up. Jacob’s mask is back on and Bella is shouting at Jacob for hanging up on someone and wants to know who it was. Jacob tells Bella it was Carlisle and that he didn’t let Bella speak with Carlisle because he didn’t ask for her. Bella is gearing up for a fight but Jacob freezes, then tells her he has to go.
Jacob is trying to GTFO but he freezes again because Alice has appeared. Bella asks Alice what’s wrong and Alice whispers Edward’s name.
Bella collapses, and has some kind of dizzy spell at the sound of Edward’s name and Jacob is mad about it. (M: I’m pretty mad about it too. It’s literally just his name, girl. CALM DOWN.) (K: It’s especially ridiculous because Edward isn’t THAT uncommon a name. Does she collapse in history class when someone mentions Edward VIII? Does she collapse if she hears the words “Live from the Ed Sullivan Theatre”? Good thing this is set in the 90s and Ed Sheeran wasn’t a thing…) Alice and Jacob fight over Bella as she struggles to function as a person. Alice super-speed-dials someone on her cellphone, but the person she’s looking for isn’t there.
Rosalie has picked up instead, and we get half the phone conversation. I found this whole section kind of hard to follow, to be honest. I find whenever Stephenie gets excited about what’s going on, the quality of her writing goes right to hell.
Catherine: Her keyboard is slick with the noble tears she has cried for Bellward’s true love.
Mari: SPARKLE SPARKLE.
K: Meanwhile, my post-it note just says “IDK what’s going on, but I’m on Team Rosalie.”
Annie: Rosalie is clearly the smartest vamp in this whole vampy clan.
Alice gets off the phone and Bella tells her that Carlisle had just phoned. Alice questions Bella about the phone call and then Jacob because he’s the one that actually took the call. Alice seems particularly upset that Jacob told the caller that Charlie was at the funeral because the caller wasn’t Carlisle. The caller was Edward and now he thinks Bella is dead. Bella relaxes because Rosalie only told Edward that Bella killed herself, so LOL! It’s all a huge misunderstanding because the vampires all believed Alice’s vision of Bella deciding to jump off a cliff. Now I may be a bit sensitive to this topic, but I feel Stephenie’s being a tiny bit casual about the topic of suicide. Like, LOL! Edward only thought Bella killed herself. Phew! Thank God it was only that.
Alice is surprised Bella isn’t upset. Bella explains that while the timing was bad, next time Edward calls they can explain what happened. And they can all laugh about the time they thought Bella killed herself. Haha. Suicide.
Bella is starting to question why Alice is so panicked and Alice explains it’s because Edward believed Rosalie. Bella says that she doesn’t understand and Alice tells Bella that Edward is going to Italy. These words make Bella’s hole gape open. (K: Ew.)
Bella remembers what Edward (M: conveniently!) said to her when they were watching Romeo and Juliet, about how he didn’t want to live without her, so he’d go to Italy and poke the Volturi vamp family into killing him. Once Bella realizes that Edward is on a mission to be murdered, she freaks out and elbows big, strong Jacob out of her way, asking Alice how she can fix it.
Alice tells Bella that she can’t ask Bella to help fix it, because it would put Bella in danger. Alice has already had a vision of Edward asking the Volturi to die, so they may be too late. Please let them be too late!
Alice says if they hurried to Italy, and if the Volturi deny Edward’s request, they may be able to save him before he does something dumb. Alice is worried that Bella and her smelly blood and humanity will get her killed. Bella has no self-preservation, or will to live, so she argues that nothing is keeping her in Forks. Sorry, Jacob and Charlie. Sparkly, asshole boyfriend > everything else.
K: My favourite part of this is that Alice says they may be in time to save him “If he gives into his more theatrical tendencies“. Translation? Edward Cullen is a fucking drama queen.
Annie: Alice is sold on Bella’s argument and tells her to write a goodbye note to Charlie. Bella suddenly remembers Charlie, and the Victoria threat, and is worried about Charlie’s safety. Jacob promises to keep Charlie safe because screw that treaty! That super unbreakable treaty of contrivance from two pages ago that meant that he could not be friends with Bella? Nevermind that now!
Mari: OH MAN. THE TREATY = THE SEX CONTRACT IN FIFTY SHADES.
Annie: Contrived set of rules masquerading as plot? The Treaty is absolutely the Sex Contract.
Bella writes a note to her father and Jacob asks Bella not to go. Bella tells him to protect Charlie before running upstairs to pack and we get way too many details about this. We don’t need to know you packed an old wallet, a clean T-shirt and sweatpants, a toothbrush, but no clean underwear. We just don’t.
K: Rookie mistake, Bella. Always carry clean underwear in your hand luggage when you travel internationally. You never know when your flight will get cancelled. But yes, we definitely didn’t need that much detail. Especially when she’s meant to be frantically rushing.
Annie: Bella has feelings of déjà vu, but she’s grateful that at least this time she doesn’t have to say goodbye to Charlie in person. Bella comes downstairs to find Alice and Jacob arguing again. (M: She calls him dog. HATE.) Bella tells them to stop and Alice races to her car. Jacob tries to convince Bella not to go, AGAIN. Boy. Don’t even bother. Because sparkly, asshole vampire > everything else.
Bella’s sad for a moment that she might not see Jacob again and hugs him then she kisses the palm of his hand (K: WHUT). After her strange goodbye, she runs out to Alice’s car and slides into it.
Alice does some tyre screeching and spinning as they speed off and Bella’s super eyesight spots a piece of shredded running shoe near the edge of forest. Because Jacob has exploded into a wolf probably and destroyed another pair of shoes.
Or it could just be some trash caught in the trees. It’s probably just trash.
Next time on New Moon: Off to rescue Edward Cullen, drama queen in Chapter 19.
Fuchsia-haired, caffeine enthusiast, dog person, Raptors fan, sometimes blogger, music & social media geek, freelancer, human being. She/her.
I am a 30-something year-old human woman who lives in Maine. I'm a freelance writer who mostly spends time that I should be doing that, watching T.V. I also love reading and comic books way too much.
I'm a 30-something librarian and I still live with my parents because I'm super broke. Leader of Team Heartless Cow. I have an inexplicable love for 90s television, eat too much chocolate, and read more than is good for me.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
