Doctor Who S04 E07 – Cluedo!

Previously: The Doctor had an insta-daughter.
—

The Unicorn And The Wasp

Marines: The TARDIS lands in front of a manor and the Doctor can smell grass, lemonade and a little bit of mint in the air. It must be the 1920s. Donna disbelievingly asks if he can really tell what year it is by the smell. The Doctor confirms, but Donna’s on to his games.

    Kirsti: I love the look on his face in the last gif. Equal parts pride and “oh, someone finally twigged…”

Mari: Some swing jazzy music starts. The man driving the vintage car (Professor Peach) is greeted by the manor staff. A reverend bikes up to the manor as well and he exchanges pleasantries with Professor Peach. The Reverend goes ahead inside because Professor Peach needs to check on something before the party… alone.

Donna and the Doctor have seen all of this go down and Donna is real excited about a party in the 1920s. She thinks it’s a shame they haven’t been invited, but the Doctor whips out his psychic paper. They head back to the TARDIS for a costume change.

Inside the manor, Professor Peach is looking at his top secrets and he’s astounded by what he’s reading on some sheets of paper. Astounded! He’s startled by someone we don’t see, though we do see from MYSTERY PERSON’S! point of view. Professor Peach tries to play it off like he isn’t holding some astounding pieces of paper, all casual like, but the MYSTERY PERSON! is holding a lead pipe menacingly, but then like also transforms into a bee. I like that this person thought, “I’ll threaten them with a pipe!” when they have the ability to be a giant bee. Good times ahead!

K: I like that this is Doctor Who and you automatically assumed that the mystery person was active in the thought process.

Mari: DOO WEE OOOH.

The Doctor is waiting outside of the TARDIS for Donna, hurrying her along so they aren’t late for cocktails. She comes out in a era-appropriate dress and the Doctor compliments her. They take off for the party.

In the yard, the Doctor and Donna order drinks. A footman announces the arrival of Lady Eddison. The Doctor greets her warmly and she’s like, “um, who are you.” He introduces himself as the Doctor and Donna of the Chiswick Nobles. Donna tries to use language I’m sure she thinks is appropriate for the time. The Doctor tells her to stop immediately.

K: It’s the same “no, don’t do that” tone that he uses on Rose when she tries to be Scottish in Tooth and Claw, and it gives me feelings.

Mari: Aw. Rose.

The Doctor flashes his psychic paper and Lady Eddison accepts that pretty easily, even though she says that you can’t be too careful because there is a jewel thief called The Unicorn on the loose. If I were going to commit to a life of crime, I’d want a name like The Unicorn too. Something bright and sunshiney. You know, to offset the crime.

K: That…may be the most Buffy Summers-y thing you’ve ever written.

Mari: Wow. It was extremely Buffy-esque, now that you mention it.

Next, Colonel Hugh Curbishley and Roger Curbishley arrive. They are Lady Eddison’s husband and son. The son, Roger, immediately goes over to Donna and calls her a super lady. Donna beams at the compliment. A footman offers Roger his usual drink and he makes sex eyes at the footman.

Under her breath, Donna asks why the lady is Eddison if her husband and son are Curbishley. The Doctor explains that the Eddison title descends through the lady and one day Roger will be a lord.

Felicity Jones aka Jyn Erso (K: I know her as Catherine Moreland from the ITV Northanger Abbey) walks in and Lady Eddison says that she is the social scene it-girl. The Reverend arrives now too, because I guess he took the scenic route. Lady Eddison asks him about a recent break-in at the church and he says something about forgiving the young kids their literal trespasses. Roger says that some of these kids deserve a good thrashing and Sex Eyes Footman is on hand to agree with him, grab his empty glass (he downed that drink) and give him more sex eyes.

K: Bro. If you want to keep schtupping the nobility when you’re in a position of servitude? Stop with the sex eyes in public.

Mari: The party’s special guest has arrived: Agatha Christie. Donna gives a hilarious STOP and the Doctor lights up. He recently mentioned her. The Doctor says she’s got quite a mind because she fools him every time. Being him, though, he has to clarify that she’s actually only fooled him once, but it was a good once.

    Agatha notes that the Doctor and Donna make a strange couple. They both answer that the aren’t married, but Agatha says she knows. No wedding ring. She tells them to stay that way because marriage is the worst.

Lady Eddison pulls Agatha away and asks after Mr. Christie. She answers in a grumble grumble grumble in case we hadn’t yet picked up on the fact that this is troubled marriage-era Agatha Christie. The Doctor takes this time to grab a nearby newspaper. He motions for Donna and not very discreetly tells her that today is the day that Agatha Christie disappeared.

K: This is about the point where I went wandering down a Wikipedia wormhole reading about Agatha Christie. 

Mari: SAME. I read so much Agatha Christie when I was in high school, but I remember so little of it and knew next to nothing about her life. Doctor Who is so educational.

Lady Eddison sends a maid to go look for Professor Peach who never showed up to the party. Off she goes and in the library she sees the dead professor. Back at the party, the Doctor is explaining that Agatha recently found out that her husband was (is) having an affair. Donna says you can’t tell from the look of her (though she was just throwing out some EW MARRIAGE comments…) and the Doctor says carrying on is the British thing to do. Except this time, Agatha Christie up and disappeared.

We get a really weird graphic cut to some spiraling newspapers with headlines about Christie’s disappearance. Then we flash to an abandoned car and Christie outside of the Harrogate Hotel as the Doctor narrates that Christie would eventually turn up 10 days later, claiming to have lost her memory. She never spoke of the incident again. So, whatever happened to make her disappear is going to happen right where the Doctor and Donna have landed.

Cue the maid running up and yelling about the Professor’s murder.

The Doctor is the first one in the library to examine the dead body. He notices blunt trauma to the head, a broken watch which marks the time of death and then starts looking over the desk. Agatha spots something next to the body and picks it up without saying a word. Donna contributes by pointing out that Professor Peach was murdered with a lead pipe in the library.

K: I appreciate that they just had her have a little fangirl moment without being all “GET IT? LIKE IN CLUEDO? DO YOU GET IT YET???” like Supernatural would have.

Mari: Sorry, I just love that it’s Cluedo to everyone but Americans.

The rest of the party rush in and make OMG noises over the dead body. Agatha suggests calling the police, but the Doctor says that isn’t necessary. He takes his psychic paper out again and says he’s Chief Inspector Smith, also known as the Doctor. Donna is the “plucky young girl” who helps him. He sends everyone to go wait to be questioned and they are all ushered out by Agatha. Donna, after balking at being called a plucky young girl, asks why they aren’t calling the police. The Doctor finds morphic residue on the floor which basically means they are dealing with an alien.

      Donna thinks this is all too weird. Agatha Christie didn’t really walk around solving murders. It’s not like you would expect Charles Dickens to be surrounded by ghosts on Christmas. The Doctor gives her a little well…

K: LOVE.

Mari: Donna goes on for a bit longer, but the Doctor has a mystery to solve and runs out of the library. Donna follows behind and says that next he’ll say it’s like Murder on the Orient Express. Agatha is around the corner and she’s all, “Murder on the Orient Express??” Donna says it’s one of her best but the Doctor says with a little teeth snap that it’s not yet. Agatha thinks it’s a marvelous idea and Donna tells her to copyright it Donna Noble. Bless.

K: It’s a fun touch that this is Donna’s first encounter with a famous historical figure, and she’s throwing out Agatha Christie, This Is Your Future spoilers all over the place.

Mari: The Doctor quickly changes the subject. He and Agatha are going to question the suspects while Donna looks in the bedroom for more clues. He gives her a big magnifying glass. Donna doesn’t look thrilled but off she goes. The Doctor geeks out a bit about solving a murder mystery with Agatha Christie. She says it’s just like a man to have fun when there is disaster all around. The Doctor sobers and Agatha says she’ll help for the sake of justice, not the Doctor’s fun times.

First up: Reverend. The Doctor asks where he was at a quarter past 4. We flashback for a second to the Reverend unpacking in his room. The Reverend says he wasn’t alone alone because God.

Roger says he was talking a walk alone, but in his flashback we can see him sexily strolling up to the Sex Eyes Footman.

Jyn Erso says she went to the bathroom to… get excited about the party? In flashback we see her take out a revolver and look at it.

Colonel Curbishley says he was in his study reading some military memoirs, but he was actually looking at some burlesque-type pictures. And then he further flashes back to some can-can dancers. Okay.

Lady Eddison says she was taking afternoon tea, which is partially true, but she leaves the “with alcohol” part out of it. Then she went to the yard where she met the Doctor.

Essentially, no one has an alibi and the Doctor randomly falls into his own flashback about being in Belgium once.

K: I’m kind of wishing we’d gotten the Belgium/Charlemagne episode. I’m also wondering if it’s supposed to be what the Doctor’s meant to be doing when Sally Sparrow meets him at the end of Blink – he’s carrying the same bow and arrows…

Mari: Oh, that’s interesting. I moved so quickly from random-Belgium-flashback, I didn’t even notice!

Anyhow, Agatha says that the Doctor isn’t a very good detective. The Doctor knows that she found a little piece of paper by the fire, though. He saw her pick it up through a glass reflection. She’s impressed.

The word “maiden” is visible on the burned paper but they don’t know what that means. They’ve gotten nowhere.

We cut to Donna still investigating upstairs. She tries a door, but it’s locked and the butler happens by to be all, “yep. Locked.” Donna commands him to unlock it. As he does so, he explains that many years ago Lady Eddison returned from India with malaria. She kept herself in this room for six months until she recovered and then ordered it locked. It’s been sealed for 40 years. I bet it smells real stale.

K: My house smelled hella stale after I spent the weekend away. So YUP.

Mari: Donna sends the butler off so she can investigate. In the room she hears buzzing and gets closer to the window to try and let the bee out. Except it’s a giant wasp outside the window and it promptly busts its way into the room.

K: I’m pretty sure my reaction at this point when I first watched this episode was “WHAT THE FUCK”. 

Mari: The only reaction there is to be had.

Donna uses the magnifying glass to focus the sun and burn it some, allowing her some time to escape. She closes the door just as the wasp digs its stinger into the door. Donna yells for the Doctor and he comes running up with Agatha. Donna tells them about the giant wasp and they think she means normal big until she points out the gigantic stinger now stuck in the door.

The Doctor goes into the room, but the wasp is gone. Agatha reaches for the stinger, but the Doctor calls her off and collects a sample of the… bee sap? Poison? Alien fluid? stuff. Agatha thinks this is all impossible. Because giant wasp.

In the kitchen, some of the workers are trying to gossip about the murder and that old professor who was always asking questions. The lady in charge tries to shush them, but then seems to remember something. What if the professor was asking about A THING in particular? She rushes off to go talk to Lady Eddison. Outside, she’s promptly killed by a falling gargoyle statue.

The Doctor, Agatha and Donna all hear the thud and rush outside to discover the woman, a second from death. Her last words are “the poor little child.” The wasp, who obviously pushed the gargoyle statue over, flies away and the gang run back into the house. The wasp breaks in through the roof or a skylight or something. The Doctor takes a moment to admire its giant wasp-ness, but then the wasp comes at them, butt first. They all duck out of the way and Donna threatens it with her magnifying glass. It flies away again.

The gang chase after it and the Doctor yells for it to show itself. We see down a hall where suddenly, all the doors open and all of our suspects come out of their rooms. Womp.

K: With a side of “why would you stick your head out the door if you actually WERE the wasp person?”

Mari: Everyone is gathered again as Lady Eddison cries about the death of her faithful companion. Another servant says that Faithful Companion was on her way to ask Lady Eddision something. Lady E says she never made it. The Doctor asks if the “poor little child” comments means anything to anyone. Colonel Curbishley says there haven’t been children in the house for years and probably won’t ever be again. He gives Roger a pointed “because you are gay” look.

Everyone turns to Agatha and pushes her to help since she is a writer and all. Jyn Erso says it’s just like one of her plots. Donna’s been saying this all along and thinks it must mean something. Agatha apologizes for letting them down. If anyone can help them now, it’s the Doctor. The Doctor looks up, distractedly.

We cut to Agatha sitting alone, outside. Donna joins her and tries to cheer her up by saying that one day, her books could become films. Talking pictures! Agatha is confused. Donna tries again by telling her about her broken engagement and how she’s moved on. Agatha asks if her marriage is the stuff of gossip now. Donna apologizes, but Agatha says it’s fine. The stories are true. She found her husband with a younger, prettier woman. Donna says her guy was with a giant spider. Agatha laughs because Donna and the Doctor talk the most wonderful nonsense. Donna tells Agatha that people love her books and they will be reading them for years to come. Agatha says they are hardly great literature and will be forgotten.

K: I have a lot of feelings about Donna being super supportive of Agatha and her career. 

Mari: Me too. And also about Donna having come so far from her own heartbreak and unfulfilling life.

As Agatha looks out toward the yard, she notices some bent stalks in a flower bush. She goes to investigate and finds a little purse looking thing. Inside, the Doctor opens it up and finds a collection of tools that a jewel thief would use. “The Unicorn and the Wasp,” the Doctor says. Hooray!

The Butler comes in with drinks and a calculating look. After he leaves, Donna asks what the Doctor found on the science side of things. The Doctor calls the bee sap Vespiform sting.  Vespiform = aliens from another galaxy. For some reason, this Vespiform is acting like a character from one of Agatha’s books. Donna asks Agatha what Miss Marple would do and then suggests that by now, she would’ve overheard something vital because everyone assumes she’s just a little old lady. Agatha thinks that’s brilliant and wonders who wrote those. Donna says Agatha can copyright that Donna Noble. The Doctor calls her name and Donna’s all, “okay. Split the copyright.”

But the Doctor is calling her because something is inhibiting his enzymes. He’s been poisoned, which in Time Lord translates to spazzing out. Agatha examines the glass the Doctor drank from and determines it’s cyanide. He runs off to the kitchen, the women behind him. The kitchen staff all think he’s crazy. Agatha says cyanide is lethal, but the Doctor says it isn’t for him. He can get his enzymes stimulated and stuff. What follows is a bunch of confusion as the Doctor downs some walnuts and then tries to mime that he needs salt by shaking his hand like a salt shaker. Donna gets “Harvey Wallbanger.” The Doctor tries to mime shock and Donna somehow understands “Camptown Races.” She’s bad at this.

K: Super bad. But it’s kind of hilarious.

Mari: But anyway, she does help give the Doctor a shock by kissing him. That does the trick.

  Agatha calls the Doctor impossible.

Establishing shot of a dark and stormy night. We cut to dinner. The Doctor says it’s a terrible day, what with the murdering and poisoning and everything, but here they are! Still taking dinner. He tells them to drink their soup up because he’s laced it with pepper, which is made with piperine, which is also the primary ingredient in insecticide.

At that, the lights cut out and the window blows open. They hear a loud buzzing. The Doctor yells for everyone to stay where they are but they go running about anyway. As you do when there is a giant alien wasp coming for you. Then the Doctor is yelling for everyone to get out? And the butler, Donna, Agatha and the Doctor end up in an adjacent room. The Doctor grabs a sword from the wall and goes back into the dinning room. The wasp is gone. Lady Eddison’s jewels are gone. Roger is dead in his soup.

K: My main reaction to this was that the knife didn’t look like it was deep enough to actually kill him. Because I’m a nitpicky arsehole who expects 100% realism from my family sci-fi television.

Mari: Hello, “snark squad.”

Agatha and the Doctor sit sadly in a room. Donna comes in and says the poor Sex Eyes Footman can’t even mourn Roger because 1926 was more like the Dark Ages. Plus, she found out that the stolen jewel, the Firestone, was brought back from India and costs thousands.

Agatha says all the murders have basically been the same. The Doctor wonders what the Vespiform wants and Agatha tells him to stop it. The murderer is just as human as they are. The Doctor has idea face and says she’s right. He was so wrapped up in the giant wasp, he forgot she was the expert on this subject. Agatha again says that she’s not, but the Doctor insists. Her stories are the best because she’s lived. She understands people and the tiny, huge things that can turn an ordinary person into a killer. If anyone can solve this, it’s her. Now it’s Agatha’s turn for idea face.

K: It’s about here that I feel the need to mention that teeangers are weirdly into Agatha Christie books. We have MOUNTAINS of them at work, and they’re always on loan. 

Mari: Yep, I read a ton in high school too. Part of it was for Accelerated Reader points, because I could read them so quickly and they were way more interesting than most of what I could get on loan.

A rumble of thunder takes us to another sitting room where the Doctor has called everyone together for murder solving time. He hands it off to Agatha.

Agatha starts with Jyn Erso, who is not who she says she is. She’s actually the Unicorn. Agatha figured this out because the little thief purse was outside the bathroom window and Jyn Erso admitted to having been to the toilet. Jyn confesses and gives back the Firestone.

Nope, Jyn is just a thief.

Agatha moves on to Colonel Curbishley. He’s all, “OKAY OKAY!” and stands up because he can walk. He was just staying in the wheelchair I guess to guilt Lady Eddison into being married to him forever. Agatha didn’t know any of this. She was just going to say the Colonel was completely innocent. Awkward. (K: The awkwardest.)

Nope, the Colonel is just a liar.

Next, Agatha turns back to the Firestone. Lady Eddison brought it back from India and then locked herself in a room for six months. Agatha says she was pregnant and unmarried and came all the way back with Faithful Companion. Lady Eddison confesses and says that she had to give away her baby. It was shameful, but she has carried on.

The Doctor jumps in now and says that it was no ordinary pregnancy. When the wasp showed up earlier, Lady E said, “it can’t be.” Which sounds like a pretty normal reaction to a giant effing wasp, but okay. Lady E flashes back to Delhi 40 years ago. She saw a flash in the sky one night and the next day, a handsome man named Christopher showed up to her house. They fell in love and Lady E loved him even after he revealed himself to be a giant effing wasp. That is true love, my friends. Christopher died in a monsoon, though. He left her the Firestone and a baby. The baby was taken to an orphanage.

K: I feel like Lady E and Lorelai Gilmore could have a nice bonding session about being inappropriately knocked up by handsome guys named Christopher.

Mari: Professor Peach figured all this out when he found the birth certificate. Donna, chomping on some snacks in the background like a true audience stand-in, says that’s what the scrap of “maiden” paper was about.

Lady Eddison says she did not.

Agatha says that Faithful Companion was coming to warn Lady Eddison that Professor Peach had unearthed her secret.

No, Lady Eddison didn’t kill her friend either. Agatha says she’s innocent.

Agatha hands it off to the Doctor who says that at his point, when you consider the lies and secrets, then you have to consider Donna Noble.

No, the Doctor just means that Donna’s been saying it all along: this whole thing is being acted out like a murder mystery. So, it was Agatha Christie.

Nope, but she did write those brilliant murder mysteries, which are Lady Eddison’s favorites.

No, but last Thursday she was in the library reading her favorite Agatha Christie novel. Last Thursday was also the day that those thieves broke into the church. The Reverend confirms and says that he apprehended them. A man of God, 40 years old, apprehended two strong men. The Doctor asks how old Lady E’s son would be and she confirms: 40. So, the Reverend got real angry for the first time in his life and it unlocked his wasp side.

Things got hairy because the Firestone is actually an alien doohickey that beamed the Reverend Wasp’s entire identity into his brain. But it also apparently grabbed some Agatha Christie on the way? Because that’s what Lady Eddison happened to be reading. So, the Reverend thinks he’s a giant wasp in an Agatha Christie novel. I’m sorry for your life, bro.

K: Yeah, that’s a pretty big shitshow, son. Sucks to be you.

Mari: Definitely. He tries to deny it but starts buzzing, which is a dead giveaway. He gets angry about stupid humans and how he’s a wasp with the whole universe in his mind who could kill them all. He hulkwasps out and Agatha yells, as she holds the Firestone, that she’s going to end this if she started it. She runs out of the room. The Doctor and Donna follow and the Reverend Wasp chases them.

Outside, Agatha is in her car now and tells the Reverend Wasp to come get her. Donna and the Doctor hop in another car and follow. Agatha is freaking out because this is all her fault. She leads the wasp to the lake. She hops out of the car and is controlling the wasp with the Firestone because their minds are linked, now, apparently. Instead of being all, “go kill yourself,” she says that maybe if she dies, this will all end. The Doctor tries to talk sense into the giant effing wasp, but it isn’t working. So, Donna grabs the Firestone away and flings it into the lake. The Reverend Wasp follows it. From under the water comes much bubbling and purple light. Donna asks how you kill a wasp. “You drown it, just like its father.” That’s kind of harsh, in a really straightforward Donna way. The Doctor says the wasp couldn’t help itself, and Donna replies that she couldn’t either. Fair. Self-preservation.

K: Let’s be real – trying to talk sense into a person-sized wasp was never going to end well. So yeah, I stand by Donna’s decision, even if it was harsh.

Mari: Oh, definitely. It was the little “how do you kill a wasp” statement that seemed harsh, not really trying to kill something coming at you with a giant stinger.

Agatha says the last mystery is who the Doctor is. Before he can answer, she doubles over in pain. See, the Reverend Wasp is dying and it’s connected to Agatha and so a part of Agatha is dying too, even though I thought the thing just absorbed one novel and not a little piece of a human but OKAY. It doesn’t matter because this OH NO! lasts twooo seconds. Agatha is bathed in purple light and the Doctor “explains” that the Reverend Wasp let Agatha go. He let her live before he died, but it wipes her memory of the last 10 days. Tomorrow, her car will be found by the side of the lake and then Agatha will turn up at the Harrogate Hotel.

We cut there and the Doctor and Donna watch a confused Agatha Christie walk into the hotel. The Doctor says the Eddison family won’t ever talk about murder and giant wasps and their dead son(s) because they are too British. THEY ARE TOO BRITISH.

K: Either that, or it’s just too effing weird. (She says, having discovered at the age of 16 that she had an uncle who drowned at the age of 13 because WE DON’T TALK ABOUT UNPLEASANT THINGS. And I was only told because my mum thought my little brother and I deserved a heads up before it was mentioned at our grandfather’s funeral…)

Mari: Donna asks what happens to Agatha. The Doctor brightens as he says she had a wonderful life. She meets another man, gets married again, travels the world, and writes like she’s running out of time (K: Hey, Lin Manuel Miranda? Feel free to write a hiphop musical about Agatha Christie). Back in the TARDIS, the Doctor says he doesn’t think Agatha ever truly forgot and some of those memories leaked out through time. Like Miss Marple and… he rummages through a chest of things and pulls out “Death in the Clouds” by Christie. The cover has got a giant wasp on it. Donna opens to the copyright page and sees that this edition was published the year five billion. The Doctor says her novels keep getting read. She’s the best-selling author of all time. Donna sadly notes that she’ll never know.

I know you guys get enough Hamilton references in Supernatural recaps, but C’MON. WHO LIVES, WHO DIES, WHO TELLS YOUR STORY.

K: Mari, Mari, Mari. There is no such thing as “enough Hamilton references”.

Mari: And so, on the Doctor and Donna go.

I enjoyed this! I mean, the alien parts are always, always the most ridiculous parts of any Doctor Who story, but this episode really isn’t trying for anything but dropping the Doctor and Donna in the middle of a whodunit, with Agatha Christie on their side. It all played out like Clue and coming from me, that isn’t a complaint. I also realize that Clue and really the entire mystery genre owes so much to Christie. This episode did a good job paying homage to that, to her and to the tropes we’re probably all familiar with.

I think the thing I most like about these episodes with famous figures, whether they are Dickens, Shakespeare, Christie or the future one with Van Gogh, is the imagining of how they see themselves in present times, when we all know they go on to be remembered and valued and even revered.

K: YUP. I love how the famous people all get an episode that fits in nicely with why they’re famous (ghosts at Christmas for Dickens, witches for Shakespeare, murders for Agatha Christie). And while it’s hard to mention them all in a recap, there are SO MANY great references to Agatha Christie novels throughout this slightly weird and yet still enjoyable episode. 

Mari: So, that’s pretty much it. Silly, fun, a bit of over-the-topness, alien nonsense, a shoutout to disappearing bees and we’ll see you next time.

 

Next time on Doctor Who: River Song, creepy shadows and a giant library in S04 E08 – Silence in the Library.