Previously: Andie left and it caused a lot of feelings.
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The Unusual Suspects
Kirsti: Capeside High, first thing in the morning. Everyone wanders around yawning until some random kid runs into the middle of the hall and starts yelling that everyone has to see what’s happened to the swimming pool. I guess Capeside High has a swimming pool now. Cool. Everyone runs after him and giggles hysterically as the camera pans across to show us that there’s a sailboat sitting in the middle of the pool with “CLASS OF 2001” written on the sail, and a golden retriever on board. It’s the principal’s boat and the principal’s dog, and he’s pretty pissed about it. Amusingly, the pissy principal is played by Harry Shearer, better known as the voice of Principal Skinner, Mr. Burns, Smithers, Ned Flanders, and half the other characters on The Simpsons.
Some of the swim team jump in to tow the boat back to the edge, and the dog jumps off. Dawson says that he wishes he’d thought of this, and Joey’s all “Bitch, please. As if you’d even.” The principal calls to the dog – his name is Chester – but the dog only has eyes for Jack. Principal Pissy Pants asks if Jack knows his dog, and Jack can barely keep a straight face through his muttered “no.”
HEY YEAH YEAH YEAH!
After the credits, there’s an announcement over the PA calling a certain group of students to the principal’s office. They come out of their classrooms and walk down the hall as their names are called. The group consists of Jack, Dawson, Pacey, and TWO BLACK KIDS BECAUSE RACIAL STEREOTYPES ARE ALIVE AND WELL IN CAPESIDE.
Chelsea: Slow clap of shame.
K: Fucking Capeside, man.
They’re interviewed individually, and Principal Pissy Pants tells them why they’re suspects: Jack? Because of the dog. Dawson? Because Mitch has a master set of keys to the school. And Pacey? Because he has access to the moorings courtesy of our sadly departed friend, the True Love. Presumably the black kids are suspects because they’re the only black kids in town. Principal Pissy Pants says that his dog was taken between 10am and noon, so all Jack has to do to prove his innocence is tell them where he was during that time.
We’re treated to a dramatic zoom into Jack’s eyeball and come out the other side on the previous day. He has his face smooshed into the wire door at Chez Grams and is demanding that Jen open the door. She staggers outside because EARLY and he hands her a bunch of yellow roses for Grams before telling her that he’s wangled it so that she can do her community service by helping him coach the kids’ soccer team. Clearly this was a time before Working with Children checks existed, because no way would they let a teen with drug charges to her name work with children…
Anyway, Jen’s not thrilled by this prospect, but relents when Jack grovels. He tells her he’ll pick her up at 12.45 because he has to go meet Drue at the hardware store. She’s all “…why the fuck are you meeting Drue?” and he gives her a non-answer about karma before dashing off.
Chelsea: I just already feel so manipulated. Stop trying to be misleading and mysterious, 90s television. Go back to what you do best – absent parenting and teenagers who talk like they’re 40.
K: Agreed.
Pacey’s turn. Principal Pissy Pants demands to know everything he did the previous day. We flash back to Pacey and Joey kissing outside the police station as he waits for Dougie to turn up. Apparently following a career aptitude test, he’s finally decided to take up Dougie’s offer of going on a ride along. They sass at each other and it’s totally adorable. Dougie turns up, and Joey tells him to try and straighten Pacey out for her. “Straight isn’t a really big part of Doug’s vocabulary,” Pacey quips and even though the implications that Dougie’s gay get really old really quickly, that one may have made me snort laugh.
Dawson’s turn. Mitch stares at him intently and demands to know where he was. Flashback. Gail drops him at Mr. Brooks’ house and makes him promise to hurry home so they can find Mitch’s missing car keys before he realises they’re gone. She drives off. Mr. Brooks says he wants Dawson to go through his archival papers, and Dawson demands to be paid because he’s worked off his debt. Mr. Brooks is all “LOL NOPE,” so Dawson turns to leave. Mr. Brooks relents: “I’ll pay you what you’re worth. Very little.” LOLOLOLOL. ACCURATE.
Chelsea: Also, WTF Dawson?! Your elderly neighbor asks you for help and you demand payment? Not cool. No wonder we all Mr. Brooks hates you.
K: A+.
Jack. He says he went to the hardware store with Drue to pick up supplies for a chemistry project. Flashback. He leaves Drue to get the supplies alone and wanders off, claiming he needs to get some stuff to fix one of the soccer goals.
Pacey. Principal Pissy Pants asks where he and Dougie went. “Where do you think?” Pacey says, amused. Flashback to them eating donuts at a shop full of cops.
Dawson. He says he spent the rest of the morning alone in the study. Flashback. Mr. Brooks’ study is full of archival boxes and old junk. Dawson finds his high school yearbook, and discovers that Mr. Brooks’ aspiration in life was to be a great Hollywood filmmaker. Suddenly, he feels a connection to Mr. Brooks. Present. Mitch gives as many fucks about this subplot as I do: zero.
He says it’s time to talk about Dawson’s ninth grade pact. Principal Pissy Pants demands more details. Dawson infodumps that when he was a freshman, the seniors pulled a suuuuuuuuuper lame prank, and he and Pacey swore that when they were seniors, they’d do it right. Principal Pissy Pants is all “AHA!”, but Dawson assures him that they didn’t follow through. Also, they’re not really friends any more. He’d forgotten about the pact until Mitch brought it up. He insists that he didn’t do it, but says he can’t speak for Pacey. Fade to black.
Chelsea: I feel like this scene is perhaps pretty pivotal in establishing misdirection? Too bad I don’t ever care about whatever Dawson is talking about.
K: YUP. I basically tune out whenever Dawson speaks.
After the Not Commercial Break, it’s Jack’s turn again. He’s looking nervous and gulping water like there’s no tomorrow. After clarifying that he picked Jen up at 12.45, he nervously admits that they got to the park around 1.35. Flashback. He struggles to put the net up in the goal. Jen takes over, but tangles herself up and falls over. Jack eyerolls a little.
He calls Molly over, and offers her the position of goalie, left vacant by their goalie jumping off the roof of his house and breaking his leg. She rejects the offer, saying she’d rather stay as a midfielder. Jen says fondly that Molly’s like she was at that age, and will tend towards the path of least resistance because it has less potential for embarrassment. Unless… She trails off, and Jack demands more information. “Unless you get us REALLY pissed off,” Jen says, with accompanying “you see what I’m getting at?” eyebrows.
Pacey. Principal Pissy Pants says his boat was taken between 12.30 and 5.15. Pacey is apparently the only senior with access to that area of the yacht club. Pacey smirks that he’ll talk but “it’s going to be deathly boring.” Flashback. He and Dougie sit in the squad car by the side of the road, doing speed checks on passing cars. Pacey wants to know if Dougie ever has “WTF AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE??” regrets when he’s been sitting there for four hours and three cars – all doing less than the speed limit – have gone by. Dougie looks sad, and Pacey looks guilty.
Dawson. It hits 12.30, and there’s a honk from outside. It’s Gretchen, and he’s super relieved to see her. Mr. Brooks gets pissy and says if he’s not back in the next three hours, he won’t get paid. Dawson eyerolls a little and gets in the car. Gretchen says that Gail’s stuck at the restaurant. I care about none of this.
Jack. “Jen’s insight into the 10 year old psyche seemed valid,” he says, and that may be the most ridiculous sentence ever uttered on this show. (C: AND THAT’S SAYING SOMETHING!) Flashback. Apparently these kids have a two hour gap between training and their game, in which they’re meant to just sit around and eat orange wedges?? WTF. Anyway, Jack pulls Molly aside and points out that one of the boys got more orange wedges than her. “Just wait until I’m 17 and hot…” she says. I kind of love this kid.
Jack tells her that it’s about respect, and that if she doesn’t stand up for herself, the boys will never respect her.
Chelsea: And we’re supposed to believe that all this little-girl rage is generated because a misdistribution of orange wedges? I get what they’re doing, but like maybe pick an actually upsetting event to pump her up with?
K: As if this show would come up with something like that for a minor character…
Dawson. Drue’s at his house when Gretchen pulls up. She says with a disgusted look that every time she sees Drue, she hears Darth Vader’s theme music. Legit. Dawson says he’s making an effort because of karma. Uh huh. Gretchen leaves, and Drue says he just wanted to thank Dawson for the previous night. Dawson’s all “Hey, I lent you $5 for popcorn at the movies and said you could sit with me. No big.” Drue insists that it is, and says he’s thrilled to have finally found an ally in “this strange and eclectic hamlet“. Let’s translate that to real teenager speak, shall we? “I’m kinda glad I found someone in this piece of shit town who isn’t the actual worst.”
Dawson insists that Drue didn’t have to come over to tell him that, and Drue says he totally did because Dawson left Mitch’s keys in his car. Dawson’s super relieved to have found the keys, and Drue says something about it being the universe paying him back for befriending the new kid because “what goes around comes around“. Dawson wholeheartedly agrees.
Chelsea: A+ GIF usage. Truly stellar.
K: Thank you.
Pacey. He and Dougie walk down the street, looking for Principal Pissy Pants’ missing dog. Pacey makes another joke about Dougie’s career choice, then insists that he was just joking. Dougie turns and glares at him, and says that if Pacey ever cares about anything as much as he cares about policing, he’ll be shocked. He’ll also be shocked if Pacey’s ever actually good at anything, and if Pacey dares judge him ever again, he’ll beat the crap out of him. Pacey looks broken. Oh, Dougie. I was almost on the verge of liking you, and then you go and pull this shit and now I hate you all over again.
Back in the present, Pacey demands to know why they’re still doing this. He appeals to Mitch as a rational and sane individual – really, Pace? The guy who threw his wife out into a HURRICANE??? – and Principal Pissy Pants says that he’s still there because of new evidence that means they need to know where he was for the ENTIRE day. Pacey sighs and mentions the pact. Then he suggests that maybe Dawson mentioned it to deflect suspicion onto Pacey. Principal Pissy Pants says they’ll nail Dawson if he’s the culprit, just like they’ll nail Pacey if he’s involved. Pacey gets “Of fucking course you will…” face and we fade to black.
After the Not Commercial Break, we’re back to Dawson. Principal Pissy Pants says the school had to have been accessed after 5.30pm when the cleaners went home. I…am baffled by the idea of a school that’s completely deserted and cleaned by 5.30pm. Our cleaners don’t even arrive until 5pm, there are usually students around until 7pm, and the senior management staff don’t leave until somewhere between 8pm and 9pm, when security locks up.
Chelsea: I can clearly remember leaving high school play rehearsal after 9pm, and not even being the last person to leave the building. With you here 1000% (also, hello again Contrivance Fairy).
K: I actually wrote this post when I was still at my old job. At my NEW job, the library is open until 7pm, so the cleaners don’t even START in our section of the school until after that. So yeah. The Contrivance Fairy is working overtime.
But I digress. Mitch, meanwhile, is falling asleep. Legit choice, dude. Dawson appeals to him as an alibi for the previous night. Mitch says he saw Dawson at 10pm, so they need to know about the stuff in between. Flashback. Dawson returns to Mr. Brooks’ house only to get his ass fired for taking what Mr. Brooks assumes is a makeout break. Dawson snaps at him not to take his unfulfilled dreams out on other people, and Mr. Brooks tells him not to be a presumptuous little shit and to GTFO. Dawson stomps off.
Jack. Principal Pissy Pants demands to know his whereabouts between 5.30pm and 8am. Jack says they had their first playoff game. Flashback. Jen helps an unfortunately overweight child with a mullet to put on his shin pads. A bunch of angry looking fathers approach, and demand to know why Molly’s being put in as goalie because girls are useless. Jack’s all ”…….because I’m the coach?”. But LOL NOPE, Angry Father – who, I should add, has terrifying eyebrows – basically threatens to out him and says if they lose the game because Molly’s in goal, Jack’s going to lose his job. Jen asks what he’s going to do.
Pacey. “Wait a minute. You couldn’t find the dog, so your brother made you sit in the back of the car?” Mitch says in a WTF-even-is-this tone. Pacey says he was equally surprised by Dougie’s hostility. He considered making a break for it when Dougie went to the supermarket and left him in the car, but Dougie returns with another guy just as Pacey opens the door. They drop the other guy home, and the other guy pulls a cane out of his pocket and taps his way up the stairs. Dougie carries his groceries inside, and Pacey’s face says that he’s suddenly realised why Dougie’s so proud of his job.
Dawson. He says that after an hour, he went back to Mr. Brooks’ house. He tells Mr. Brooks about finding the yearbook, and says that it scared him because he doesn’t ever want to be like Mr. Brooks, pushing everyone away but desperately lonely. He says he’s going to finish the job he was hired to do. Mr. Brooks gives him “ugh, fine, whatever” face.
Jack. Before he knew it, he says, they’d won the game. With Molly in goal. Except the Angry Father are still angry. Why? Because goals scored count against you in subsequent matches, and Molly let three goals in. Ugh. Words cannot express how much I hate these “winning is everything” helicopter parents who get overly involved in their children’s activities. Molly overhears and gets teary. Jack says they’ll just have to win the next game, but Angry Father and his terrifying eyebrows say he’s fired. Molly bursts into tears and runs off. Jack looks hurt. Jen hugs him.
Chelsea: I’m torn in being more punchy about the underlying homophobia and misogyny, or just the gall that some parents are this invested in a children’s rec soccer league. Probably the first part, but really it’s just all garbage fire.
K: Agreed.
Pacey. He says it was a little after 9.00 when they got the call, so he and Dougie headed to the boatyard. Flashback. Pacey opens the gate at the boatyard, and they head inside. Suddenly, Drue appears. “Mr. Valentine! What brings you here, skulking through the shadows at this hour of night?” says Dougie, and man, this episode is just ridiculous line after ridiculous line.
Drue claims his mother got an anonymous phone call about a missing boat, and sent him out to investigate. He called the cops, hence their presence. Dougie says that they got their own anonymous phone call 20 minutes before he rang, so maybe he’s the boat thief. Drue’s all “……..do I look like I’m carrying a boat?” and bails. Pacey tells Dougie he’ll get a lift home with Drue, and Dougie’s all “But you hate Drue”. Pacey says he’s trying to be a better person, like his big brother, and that also it’s a karma thing.
Present. He says that’s it – Drue dropped him home, and he was asleep within half an hour. Principal Pissy Pants reluctantly says he can go. Pacey stands up, then says that he doesn’t think Dawson would do it without his coaxing on account of he’s too respectful. Cut to Dawson saying that Pacey’s not stupid, and there’s no way he’d risk his academic future for a moderately lame prank. Principal Pissy Pants lets him go.
Mitch asks if Principal Pissy Pants is satisfied (satisfied satisfiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiied) (C: GET OUT OF MY HEAD, KIRSTI), and he totally is because he knows who did it. Mitch is all “O RLY?” and Principal Pissy Pants is all “Duh. Clearly you don’t watch Poirot.” Cut to Drue and his mother in the principal’s office. She’s all “MY SON WOULD NEVER”, and Principal Pissy Pants insists that they can prove how he did it. She tells him to go ahead.
The evidence is as follows: 1. He bought paint at the hardware store of the same kind used to write “CLASS OF 2001” on the sale. 2. He returned Mitch’s keys to Dawson, and totally could have had copies made. 3. He turned up at the boatyard. 4. He had the time to pull it all off. Principal Pissy Pants asks if Mitch has anything to add, and Mitch can barely keep a straight face.
Mrs. Valentine – we used to call her Snooty Redhead before we knew her name, and I kind of want to go back to it – is all “I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN, YOU LITTLE SHIT” and mentions “last year’s ferret incident“. Not gonna lie, that’s a story I want more information about. Principal Pissy Pants suspends Drue for two weeks and says he’s on probation until the end of the year. Drue chuckles in disbelief.
Out in the hall, Drue packs his bag. Joey walks past and, after calling her “Harry Potter,” he tells her to give a message to the boys: “Touché“. She has no idea what he’s talking about. He says that karma finally caught up with him.
Chelsea: It’s almost like they want us to feel bad for Drue being framed. Only he’s a pile of dirty dumpster water and fully deserves his two week suspension for all the OTHER horrible things he’s already done.
K: YUP. Especially the dirty dumpster water part. Best description EVER.
Cut to Pacey outside the police station. He’s brought Dougie a peace offering in the form of donuts. He thanks Dougie for the ride along, and says it was illuminating – what Dougie does matters more than any job Pacey will ever have. After some more cajolling, Dougie’s face softens and he says that Pacey would make a terrible cop because he’s an original who’s not good at following rules. But he admires that.
Meanwhile, Dawson’s on a computer… somewhere?? Possibly the basement of the restaurant?! We have never seen this place before and it’s totally weird because there’s a life sized wooden carving of a Native American man in the background, and… .yeah. That’s a thing. Anyway, he’s searching a primitive version of IMDB for Mr. Brooks and is coming up with nada. Gretchen walks in, and suggests that maybe he used a nickname or something. She leaves, and Dawson tries A.I. Brooks. Obviously, it reveals that Mr. Brooks made a shit ton of Hollywood movies, the first of which when he was only 23.
Chelsea: Sorry, what was that? I was too busy studying that very oddly placed wooden carving that doesn’t seem like it would belong to anyone in Capeside.
K: Legit.
House of McPheelings. Jack opens the door to find a tearful Molly and her sister waiting on the doorstep. Molly apologises for getting him fired. Jack assures her that it wasn’t her fault and that Angry Father is just a massive homophobic jerk. Molly was just an excuse. He hugs her as she cries, and it’s kind of adorable.
She’s all “I KNEW IT!!”, and they all plead ignorance and say they had air tight alibis. But none of them can keep a straight face. Dawson says that if they HYPOTHETICALLY wanted to do it, (flashback) Jack could have stolen the dog and left it somewhere safe along with the paint. (Flashback) He could have gotten into the boat yard with the code Pacey gave him and take the boat to the same place as the dog. (Flashback) Pacey could have had Drue drop him near the rendezvous point, then painted the sail and taken the whole lot to Capeside High. But it’s all totally hypothetical and Drue is definitely the one behind the whole thing. They all grin at each other.
Under cover of darkness, Pacey digs a hole and Dawson drops the incriminating evidence in it. Not gonna lie, I was waiting for them to salt and burn the garbage bag, because that’s what happens on shows I recap when holes are dug under cover of darkness… They smirk about pulling it off and start filling in the hole. Pacey says things feel right for the first time ever, and he’s almost forgotten why they’re not friends any more. Dawson gets raging bitchface, and says Pacey knows it’s not that simple.
Chelsea: UGH, Dawson. Pacey is extending the proverbial hand, don’t fucking spit on it. Also, I feel like burying the evidence is a bit extreme? It’s a senior prank, not murder.
K: Agreed. Too bad they didn’t just murder Drue. That would have been easier.
Pacey tells him that when Dawson said he’d never trust him again, it was in the top five worst moments of his life. Dawson snaps that finding out about Pacey and Joey was the absolute worst moment in his. Pacey asks if maybe one day Dawson could trust him again, and Dawson’s all “IDK, maybe. Someday.” Pacey says he has to try, because he’s not ready to give up on Dawson. They half smile at each other and shoulder their shovels. “If it doesn’t work out? Let’s just kill each other,” Dawson says. WTF. Fade to black.
The whole karma element of this was really heavy handed, and I seem to remember that even when this aired I was all “OBVIOUSLY they’re doing it to frame Drue”. But on the whole this episode is kind of fun, even through all its epic stupidity and rage-inducing moments.
Next time on Dawson’s Creek: It’s the middle of senior year, so obviously it’s time for more drama about college in S04 E09 – Kiss Kiss Bang Bang.
I'm a 30-something librarian and I still live with my parents because I'm super broke. Leader of Team Heartless Cow. I have an inexplicable love for 90s television, eat too much chocolate, and read more than is good for me.
A collector of coffee cups, a lover of books with broken binding, and the one true Ben/Leslie shipper. Feel free to check out all my bookish and pop culture nerdgasms over at www.youtube.com/TheReadingOutlaw!
