Previously: Gabriel died and everything was horrible. But he also told the boys how to stop the Apocalypse. So.
—
Better the Devil You Know
Kirsti: The previouslies take us right back to Jessica, followed by a reminder about the Croatoan virus and Crowley, so clearly we’re in for a good time.
We open in a medical research lab, full of lab rats and lab monkeys. A janitor mops the floor as two medical researchers in lab coats talk about how it seems crazy to jump straight to human testing when neither of them have seen the vaccine yet. They study the monkeys and jot down notes as they talk. One looks like a short version of Barack Obama, and it’s very disconcerting. The janitor turns towards them and says that he’s seen the vaccine. They’re all “The fuck?”, and he grins that he’s running an experiment of his own.
With that, he jabs a syringe into one guy’s neck and injects him with something. Short Barack Obama cringes. The janitor smirks that he’s part of it too. He backhands Short Barack Obama across the room, then swipe cards his way through the door. He smashes the card reader on the other side as Short Barack Obama bangs on the glass. Injected Guy stands, his eyes crazy, and promptly splatters pieces of Short Barack Obama all over the place. The janitor’s eyes flash back and he’s thrilled that his experiment was successful.
BLOOOOOOOOOOOD.
After the Not Credits, the boys are pretending to be CDC agents in a flu-filled emergency room. They ask a doctor if the patients show any homicidal tendencies, and she’s all “what the fuck”. She says that they had zero cases a day and a half ago, and now they have over 70. The boys mutter to each other about how the flu cases started at the same time a bunch of statues started weeping. ER Doc is all “……….no seriously, WTF”. They laugh it off as she begs for vaccine. (S: These idiots.)
“Say, I’ve got an idea,” says a voice from the backseat. It’s Crowley. Dean swerves off the road as Sam attacks with Ruby’s knife. (S: But like, Dean badass calculated swerves off the road. Every time people appear in their car it amazes me that Dean doesn’t jerk the wheel in jump scare panic.) (K: TRUE) But Crowley’s already popped out of the car. Sam leaps out after him and attacks again, on account of the last time they saw Crowley, he told them they could kill Lucifer with The Colt and it got Ellen and Jo killed. Crowley insists that it’s totes not his fault, and also he can give them Pestilence.
Samantha: It’s also a good semi subtle indication of how ragey Sam still is, seeing as what this episode ends up exploring. Also, is Crowley speaking in a slightly different accent than he uses in later seasons?
K: Anything is possible. I bet Misha Collins wishes he could change his Castiel voice without anyone noticing.
Crowley starts ranting about how all that’s changed is that Lucifer knows Crowley wants him dead. Dean’s all “Look at all the fucks I give,” and Crowley shouts “They burnt down my house! They ate my tailor!!“, which is one of my favourite ridiculous Supernatural lines of ever. Also, JPad is clearly trying not to laugh in the first gif.
He mopes some more about how his life is now the worst, as evidenced by the fact that he’s standing in the middle of the street under a street light talking to the Winchesters. With a gesture, the street light explodes. Finally, he says that he knows all about the rings and asks them to come with him. (S: *sings the “he’s a demon wtf” song* I’m sorry, I don’t loooooooooove Crowley. He’s amusing but *shrug*)
Cut to Crowley leading the boys into an abandoned house and griping about how gross it is. He says he knows what they’ve been doing lately, and Sam’s all “Bitch, please. We have hex bags.” Except that contrivance dictates that Crowley had one of his minions plant a magical tracking device in the Bromobile when they were at his house, so he’s known where they are and what they’ve been talking about for months. He wants in on their sending-Lucifer-back-to-Hell plan.
Dean asks about Pestilence, and Crowley admits that he doesn’t know where Pestilence is. But he DOES know where a different demon is. The demon who organises the Horsemen’s schedule and personal needs. All they have to do is bring him to Crowley, and Crowley will get him to spill the beans on where Pestilence is. This…is a terrible plan, and I have no idea why they’re going along with it. Dean demands to know where the demon is.
With that, we throw to the boardroom of Niveus Pharmaceuticals. A guy who looks weirdly familiar – IMDB tells me he was in two episodes of Orphan Black and two of Criminal Minds, but also that he’s playing Jack Hyde in Fifty Shades Darker (S: THEY’RE FOR REAL MAKING THE SEQUEL?!) – is yelling about how the nation is terrified of swine flu and they need to get the vaccine out. One of his staff is like “But…testing??”. Sensible Staff Member gets shot down because there’s a demand in the industry and they need to supply.
Later, in Yelling Douche’s office, Sensible Staff Member offers his apologies. Yelling Douche waves the apologies away and says that he’s got a great position in communications for Sensible Staff Member. SSM is thrilled, except that the position turns out to be having his throat slit and his blood collected in Meg’s creepy chalice. Janitor Demon drags the corpse away – why the fuck would you slit someone’s throat on white carpet?! – and Yelling Douche sits down to make his demon blood phone call.
He chants in Latin, and the lights flicker. A fly pops out of the chalice. Yelling Douche informs the fly that everything is going fabulously. More flies. He insists that he’s doing his best. More buzzing and more flies, and he reluctantly says he’ll do “the best of someone better“. Fade to black.
After the Not Commercial Break, Sam wants to know why the hell they’re going along with Crowley’s plan. Dean has no idea. (S: Well, as long as there’s a good reason.) Crowley pops in to inform them that it’s time to go, only Sam’s not going on account of he keeps trying to murder Crowley’s face off. Sam’s all “Are you fucking serious?”. Crowley turns to go, but Dean calls him back, saying that he’ll go. Crowley smirks. Sam is unimpressed. The Bromobile bros off into the night, leaving Sam sad panda-ing on the porch.
Samantha: I will never freaking understand why they always let Crowley get away with so damn much.
K: SERIOUSLY. It makes literally no fucking sense. They didn’t even let Ruby get away with this much shit.
Later, Sam’s somehow obtained alcohol and is filling Bobby in over the phone. Bobby thinks that maybe it’s the time to act crazy. Sam changes the subject, asking how Bobby was able to take back control when he was possessed and about to stab Dean. Bobby’s all “IDK, a fluke?”. Sam points out that they can open the cage as much as they want, but they can’t get Lucifer to jump into it. But if he said yes, he could take back control for that one minute and do the jumping on Lucifer’s behalf. Bobby thinks this is the worst plan of ever, which it basically is. (S: “Are you idgits trying to kill me?!?!” is the greatest line of the episode.)
Meanwhile, Dean and Crowley are staking out Niveus Pharmaceuticals. Dean spots some guys moving around inside and asks if they’re demons. Crowley eyerolls that they’re human shields and the demons are up on the important management levels. Dean comes up with a plan of attack, but Crowley pooh-poohs it and vanishes. He reappears behind one of the human shields. Dean starts swearing – “Oh crap!” on a loop, which is TOTALLY not what Dean would say in those circumstances – and runs towards the entrance.
Samantha: JFC this makes me SO MAD. This is why I can’t get behind Crowley. Did we not see LAST EPISODE how wrecked Dean gets when he can’t save random people? And yet when it’s Crowley, he mostly just turns into humorous oh that demon schtick. I hate it. Probably too vehemently.
K: No such thing.
By the time he gets inside, Crowley’s slit the throats of all the guards. He leads Dean towards the elevator and hits the button for the 12th floor. Then he tells Dean to “Go get ’em, tiger” and steps away. Dean’s all “The fuck? You’re not coming?”, and Crowley’s all “uh, no, DEMONS.” He tells Dean to just do what he said and try to be convincing. The lift doors close and Dean pulls Ruby’s knife with a look of concern.
Yelling Douche is sitting at his desk when there’s a noise outside. He gestures, and the doors open. Dean’s standing out there over the body of a dead demon, looking awkward. Yelling Douche invites him in for a chat. Dean says he’d heard that Yelling Douche wanted Famine and War’s rings back, and he’s there to negotiate.
Yelling Douche is all “HAHAHAHAHA, NO” because apparently Famine and War are basically in the fetal position of uselessness at the moment, so getting the rings back won’t do shit. He says that what he REALLY wants is retribution. And he’s going to get it from Dean. With that, he flings Dean through the doors back out into the hallway, then proceeds to kick him while he’s down, while talking about how therapeutic kicking Dean in the gut is. Dean groans in pain and we fade to black.
After the Not Commercial Break, Dean’s made a run for the lift. He makes it down to the lobby, accompanied by music that sounds like something out of Psycho. But Yelling Douche is there waiting for him. He whacks Dean across the room again, then Crowley appears behind him. Crowley drops a bag with a mystical symbol on it over Yelling Douche’s head, then whacks him repeatedly with a crowbar.
Yelling Douche goes down, and Dean’s all “What the fuck was that? He didn’t want the rings, he wanted me!”. Crowley’s all “Oops, did I lie? Trololololol. What the hell do you expect from a demon.” Dean looks mighty unimpressed. (S: *me with a spoiler warning from 6 seasons later* Not unimpressed enough.)
Bromobile. Dean dabs at his bleeding face while Crowley carves symbols into Yelling Douche’s chest. Dean’s cranky because Yelling Douche might bleed on the upholstery. Crowley says it’ll keep Yelling Douche trapped in his meat suit. He gives Dean directions, and Dean’s all “Um. Why aren’t we going back to Sam?”. Crowley says that Sam and Yelling Douche have a history. Dean screams to a halt and demands more information.
Cut to Sam, sitting alone in the abandoned house. He hears the Bromobile pull up and hurries downstairs. (S: He looks so anxious it really does give me sympathy feels.) He finds himself face to face with Crowley, who says he was totally against this plan and that they should be miles away by now. Sam glares, then heads into the next room to find his brother.
Dean’s tying Yelling Douche to a chair in the middle of a devil’s trap, the bag still over his head. He tells Sam that he needs him to stay focused and on mission. “Sam? Sam, is that you?” Yelling Douche says. Sam looks confused. Dean pulls the bag off his head, and Sam informs us that Yelling Douche’s name is Brady. Yelling Douche laughs and says that “Brady hasn’t been Brady in years. Not since, oh..middle of our sophomore year?”
Sam looks confused, then gets pissed. Yelling Douche chuckles when Sam joins the dots and realises that it was Yelling Douche who introduced him to Jessica, not his friend Brady. Sam starts yelling that he’s going to kill Yelling Douche, who just laughs some more. Dean drags Sam out of the room. Crowley heads in to take over. (S: I don’t think that this scene is supposed to make me laugh like it does. Love big brother Dean though, always.)
Dean tells Sam that they need Yelling Douche alive to get to Pestilence, and they need Pestilence to get to Lucifer. So no killing allowed. Sam yells that trusting Crowley is no different to him having trusted Ruby. Or trusting Brady back at college. (S: Fair.)
Meanwhile, Crowley is sitting down with Yelling Douche for a nice little chat. He says that YD should consider that Lucifer’s going to kill all the demons when he takes over and that maybe he wants to change sides. YD suggests that Crowley worry more about himself than all of demonkind. Crowley says it’s crossed his mind. YD smirks that no one will know greater pain than Crowley. Lucifer will never let him die. At least he knows that he’s dead either way. He has no intentions of changing sides. Crowley gets up and walks out.
Crowley heads back to Dean, who’s chilling with a beer. “Where’s your moose?” Crowley asks, which I mention only because it’s the first time Crowley calls Sam “moose”, which is irrationally one of my favourite running jokes in the show.
Samantha: Omg me too, I didn’t realize it started so early.
K: Me neither. I may have squealed.
Dean says that Sam’s cooling off. Crowley announces that he’s going to go and poke a beehive full of demons because Yelling Douche won’t budge. He vanishes.
Dean heads into the bathroom to wash his face. Sam shuts the door behind him and locks it with a chair. Dean yells at him to let him out, but LOL NOPE. Sam heads in to talk to his demonic BFF. Yelling Douche reminisces about all the time Sam spent helping poor Brady straighten himself out when he dropped out of pre-med to do drugs and smirks over Sam’s realisation that it wasn’t actually Brady.
Yelling Douche sasses that Azazel didn’t send him back to keep an eye on Sam. No, he sent him back because Sam was turning into an actual human being and they couldn’t have that. So Yelling Douche introduced him to Jessica and then murdered her face off. JPad acts with his nostrils. Yelling Douche keeps taunting as Sam presses Ruby’s knife to his throat. Sam nicks Yelling Douche’s neck, but the taunting continues. Sam pulls back and walks away as Yelling Douche laughs. Fade to black.
Samantha: Idk how I feel about the fact that it was actually the random ass bff demon guy, who I’ve never heard mentioned in 5 seasons, that actually killed Jessica. Feels kind of retcon-y and forced and weird.
K: Agreed.
After the Not Commercial Break, Dean’s still banging on the bathroom door. Sam lets him out and Dean’s relieved to see that Yelling Douche is still in one piece. Crowley pops back in and smarms that he went and massacred a bunch of demons but accidentally on purpose left one of them alive and with the impression that he and Yelling Douche are lovers, fighting together to defeat Lucifer. Yelling Douche is super unimpressed.
Crowley asks where Pestilence is, but before YD can answer, something howls. Dean freezes, and YD looks panicky. Dean’s all “WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT A HELLHOUND WHY DID I NOT GET A TRIGGER WARNING FOR THIS I AM NOT OKAY”. (S: The consistency of Dean’s legit terror of hellhounds hurts so good.) Crowley headdesks as he realises that the demons planted a tracking device on him, just like the one he planted in the Bromobile.
Said tracking device is an old coin. He flips it to Dean and vanishes. (S: Dean’s “Oh well good for you” mock to Sam is everything lol even if Sam was right.) Yelling Douche yells that he’ll tell them whatever the fuck they need to know if they get him away from the Hellhounds. Dean heads to the kitchen to grab the salt. But before he can get to it, a Hellhound leaps its way through the window. Dean stumbles backwards and manages to get hold of his shotgun. He shoots at it repeatedly as he backs into the room where Sam’s untying Yelling Douche.
We’re treated to repeated Hellhound Cam, where everything is slightly blurry and bokeh-ed, as the Hellhound looks between Dean and Yelling Douche. “Hey!” Crowley yells from the other room. The Hellhound turns towards him. Dean’s all “WTF you’re back?”. The Hellhound barks. “Stay!” Crowley yells. Dean’s shocked that he can control Hellhounds. Crowley smirks that he can’t do anything about the one in front of Dean, but he brought his own and it’s bigger. He pats its invisible head, which is at chest height.
“Sic him, boy!” Crowley yells. The Hellhounds fight and trash the place, accompanied by splashes of blood. (S: Dog fighting makes me sad, even when they are evil demon dogs.) (K: Riiiiiiiiight there with you) Sam breaks the devil’s trap and they rush Yelling Douche out to the Bromobile. Crowley joins them with a smirky bet that his Hellhound wins. The Bromobile screeches off into the night. Look, I know they were in a rush and all. But putting the two demons in the backseat – and therefore in a position to slit both your throats – seems like a terrible plan.
Later, in an alleyway, Yelling Douche gives them Pestilence’s location. Crowley determines it to be good, then turns to go. YD demands to know where he’s going. “I’m going to do you a favour,” Crowley replies. Dean starts pouring a salt line across the alley. He lets Crowley through – Crowley gives him side eye, then vanishes – before finishing the line and joining Sam, facing YD.
YD demands to know what’s going on. Dean says that all the angels and demons just don’t get it – the Winchesters are the ones they should really be afraid of. It’s…a little melodramatic, I’m not going to lie. (S: I loved it as a teen and this time I mega cringed.) YD chuckles. Sam lifts Ruby’s knife and drops into a fighting stance. YD backs away with a grin, and starts talking about how it’s all Sam’s fault that demons are always able to manipulate him. Aaah, yes. A victim blaming mentality. How delightful. Excuse me for a second. (S: RIGHT?!)
Ahem.
YD says that maybe the real reason Sam hates demons so much is because they’re made of the same stuff. Sam lunges and nicks YD with Ruby’s knife. YD says that maybe Sam hates demons so much because that’s what he sees in the mirror. JPad is clearly going for rage-filled glare, but it’s coming out as trying-to-read-the-bottom-line-of-the-eye-test squint… YD grins, and says that the only difference between him and Sam is that Sam’s hell is on earth. Sam stabs him in the gut. He watches coldly as YD dies. “Interesting theory,” he says. Dean looks concerned. Fade to black.
After the Not Commercial Break, we’re at Bobby’s. He’s on the phone to Rufus (S: RUFUS!), trying to track down Death. He hangs up and turns to find Crowley hanging out in his kitchen. He pulls a gun, and Crowley smirks that it won’t work on him. Bobby shoots anyway, just for the hell of it. Crowley bitches that he liked the suit that Bobby just put holes in. He says that he’s there to help them find Death.
Bobby’s all “I’m listening…”, but he’s listening while grabbing a shotgun. Crowley says he has no idea where Death is, and Bobby snaps “Well, then get the hell off my property before I blast you so full of rock salt, you crap margaritas.” It’s a pretty great line. Crowley says that’s a super rude thing to say to the guy who can find out where Death is, like, instantly. Except there’s a technicality. He can only find out where Death is if Bobby makes a deal, wanting to find out where Death is. Oh goody, more soul selling… (S: Bobby is an honorary Winchester.)
Crowley insists that it’s worth it. Bobby counters by shooting him. Except apparently rock salt doesn’t work on Crowley?? He just says “OW!” in a really cranky tone. (S: Yeah…..whuuuuut???) He insists that it would be a temporary loan of Bobby’s soul and that it’s totally worth it. Also, that whole “the enemy of my enemy is my friend” thing. He says again that he’ll give it straight back, and Bobby looks thoughtful. Fade to black.
Look, I’m not going to lie: as great as it is to see Crowley again, this episode feels fillery. Like, there’s only two episodes left until the end of the season, and they waste it on this Sam’s-BFF-was-a-demon crap? So sure, this episode had some amusing moments and fun one liners. But on the whole? No thank you please. In summary, my feelings about this episode can be summed up thusly:
Indeed, Dean. Indeed.
Samantha: Cosign. So fillery and nonsensical. It almost feels like a bunch of random plots slapped together. Major dislike.
Next time on Supernatural: Bobby does a stupid thing and Pestilence continues to be a dick in S05 E21 – Two Minutes to Midnight.
I'm a 30-something librarian and I still live with my parents because I'm super broke. Leader of Team Heartless Cow. I have an inexplicable love for 90s television, eat too much chocolate, and read more than is good for me.
I'm a 28 year old graduated English major and almost librarian. I can often be found singing too loudly (poorly) in the car or spending some time (hours) on Tumblr. I am a lover of Harry Potter, the Spice Girls, and too many other things.
