Buffy the Vampire Slayer S02 E12 – Sex ed is bad for your health

Previously: Joyce dated a robot and earned herself a million negative Sandy Cohen Eyebrows. Also, Ms Calendar shot Giles in the back with an arrow.
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Bad Eggs

Kirsti: You guys, I kind of hate this episode. It’s dumb. But I HAVE gotten to cover some pretty kickass episodes this season, so it’s only fair that I take my share of the crappy ones. ANYWAY. We open at the mall, where Buffy and Joyce are doing some mother-daughter bonding. Buffy basically says “PRETTY PLEASE BUY ME THAT OUTFIT?!?!” and Joyce replies very firmly in the negative because “It makes you look like a streetwalker.” What, as opposed to all the other #hosuspension outfits she’s left the house wearing so far in the past 24 episodes?! WOW.

Lor: I give a point to Buffy, though, for specifying that it made her look like a skinny streetwalker because, priorities, ya know?

K: Truth. The stores are closing, so they split up because of plot contrivance. While riding the escalator, Buffy spots a girl hanging with a vampire wearing a cowboy hat, and not very stealthily follows them to the arcade. Just as he’s about to get his bite on, she interrupts them. He’s the redneckiest redneck that ever rednecked, right down to his use of the word “ain’t” when he abandons the inevitable fight and runs away.

After the credits, Xander and Cordy are making out in the supply closet. Then we cut to sex ed class, which is even more awkward than you’d imagine. “How many of us have lost countless productive hours plagued by unwanted sexual thoughts and feelings?” the teacher asks, and Xander yells out “YES!” LOL – rhetorical question, Xan. The teacher asks for consequences of sex, and Xander and Cordy indulge in some really public and not even remotely stealthy bickering. Their assignment for the week is to break into pairs and raise an egg like it’s a baby. Question: do any high schools ACTUALLY do this? Or does it just happen on television?

Lor: Actually happens, though I had an egg baby in 8th grade, which was still middle school for me. I spent a crap ton of time decorating my egg basket, and even put in a cute limited edition Beanie Baby in there to keep it company. Then, I forgot my egg baby in my science class and when I got back to it the next morning, some asshole cracked the egg. AND STOLE MY BEANIE BABY.

WTF.

Sweeney: Beanie Baby theft was like the highest of unforgivable crimes among middle class kids in 1999.

K: Aaaaaaaand now I feel old, because I was in year 11 (aka a high school junior) in 1999… Anyway, they break into pairs and Xander utters the slightly terrifying line “Hey! I know we just met, but isn’t that Xander Junior you’re holding?” *shudder* Cut to the Wiggins Library, where Buffy is elbow deep in the card catalogue. (Librarian Kirsti says LOL.)  Willow presents her with an egg, and informs her that she’s a single parent on account of how she didn’t turn up for class. Xander says that it’s her duty to teach her egg Christian values, and Willow looks at him and says “My egg is Jewish!” To which Xander’s reply is “Well, teach it that dreidel song.” Because, you know, I didn’t already think he was a total douchecanoe.

Lor: I thought this was hilarious.

K: It’s hilarious until you think about the fact that Xander and Willow have been best friends since they were five, and the only thing he knows about Judaism is “that dreidel song”… Giles appears from the book cage and nearly crushes Buffy’s egg with a giant book. He’s found her redneck vampire – his name is Lyle Gorch, and he hangs out with his similarly redneck vampirific brother, Tector (TECTOR???). Willow suggests that Buffy ask Angel help her track down the Redneck Vamps, and Giles gives his okay. Cut to the cemetery, where there’s an insane amount of face nomming going on. I’m pretty sure Sweeney’s probably fangirling about now. I, on the other hand, am resisting the urge to fast forward.

Sweeney: Aw, I know how much that google search had to have hurt you, Kirsti. I thank you for this display of true friendship.

K: I figured I owed it to you after all the Team Spike-itude I’ve put you through recently! Meanwhile, the Redneck Vamps are watching them (ew) from the cemetery wall. Apparently Lyle has a plan, while Tector is in favour of killing them while they’re busy eating each other’s faces. Lyle, maybe you should listen to your brother… Back at Buffy’s house, she does her Egg Baby checklist and OH MY GOD, SHE’S WEARING A BRA!!!! This is especially hilarious because she then gets into bed and turns the light off. Really, Buffy? The one and only time you offer the girls some support and it’s WHEN YOU’RE ASLEEP???

I digress. Back in Buffy’s bedroom at 2am and the Egg Baby is hatching. But not a cute little chicken. A creepy as fuck tentacle hand that then walks across the bed and attaches itself to Buffy’s face.

Lor: Also, this means her creepy as fuck tentacle baby has now cracked the egg, which further means she’s failed her assignment. WOMP.

Sweeney: Rude, demon of the week, just rude.

K: The next morning, Buffy wakes up and Egg Baby is back to normal.

Lor: Wait, WUH? Her tentacle baby keeps super glue in its shell?

Sweeney: I’m a little impressed.

K: Joyce offers parenting advice, and THAT’S PRETTY RICH COMING FROM YOU, JOYCE. (S: TRUTH.) Over in the Wiggins Library, the trio tell Giles that the health teacher has disappeared. The girls sit lethargically on the stairs, holding their eggs, while Xander helps Giles with the reshelving. Giles asks how the Redneck Vamp hunting went, and Buffy is unusually monosyllabic. Xander puns that “Clearly Buffy has decided that the problem with the English language is all those pesky words.” I hate it when Xander forces me to like him a little bit… We learn that Xander hard boiled his Egg Baby – leading to a conversation about cheating – and see that there’s an egg hidden at the back of the library shelves. Ruh roh.

Cordy enters, and informs the gang that she thinks the health teacher is dead. Giles thinks that’s a bit hasty, which DUDE. It’s Sunnydale. You should pretty much just automatically assume that if someone goes missing for more than two minutes, they’re dead. Cordy tells Xander that maybe they should go and check some closets to see if the health teacher’s dead body is in one, and this is officially the worst stealthy relationship EVER. And I have to stop and marvel because LOOK AT CORDY’S BACKPACK:

Lor: I had a friend who used a monkey version of this all through high school. It kind of reminded me of those leashes parents put on their children, which I find both hilarious and disturbing.

K: YES. SO MUCH. Buffy asks if she should help look for Probably Dead Health Teacher, and Giles says that he’d prefer her to conserve her strength for hunting the Redneck Vamps. He then uses the word “sluggish” in regards to how she’s feeling, and NO. Because that word makes me think of adverts for Metamucil and All-Bran, and it is not okay for Giles to be telling Buffy that she looks sluggish. Cut to the cemetery where Buffy is using her conserved strength to suck Angel’s face off some more. She mentions her Egg Baby, and they have an awkward conversation about having kids, which includes Angel telling her that he can’t. He then gets all mopey, just for a change. DUDE. Most 16 year old girls would be 150,000% okay with that…

Lor: Aw, no! I think it’s sad. And since Buffy sees herself with Angel 2gether 4eva and he has just declared children impossible, yep. Pretty sad. Lots of awkward.

Sweeney: As you would expect, +1. 

K: Huh. Maybe it’s just me and my “KIDS ARE GROSS, NEVER HAVING THEM” bandwagon that would be thrilled then! Cut to the school, where a security guard is doing the rounds. He goes down to the basement, which is NEVER a good idea (see BtVS, seasons 1-7), and moves a bunch of boxes to find a giant hole in the wall. He goes over to investigate, and Apparently Not Dead Health Teacher pushes him in. Back at Buffy’s house, she climbs in her bedroom window in time to see Egg Baby hatching. Whatever was in it skitters under the bed, and the weapon she goes for to defend herself/slay it is the iron. LOL FOREVER. Upon seeing that it’s some kind of scorpion crab thing, she grabs a pair of scissors instead and stabs the shit out of it.

Lor: Guys, as a resident of south Florida and a forever pansy, I must say I spent this entire scene yelling out bug killing/avoiding instructions to Buffy. It went a little like, “Nuh-uh, girl. He ain’t under the bed. Find higher ground! NO, GIRL. Don’t turn your back to it!! Kirsti said anything that stings your eyes will kill a roach!” Etc. I guess, in the end, stabbing it to death was effective, but puts your hands a little to close to the actual bug.

K: I feel so proud that I’ve actually taught you something as a result of these recaps, Lor. Even if it IS in regards to bug killing. In a panic, she calls Willow, who says that her egg is totally normal and says maybe Buffy’s egg is a trap from the Redneck Vamps. The camera zooms out to reveal that a) Willow’s PJs are covered in smiley faces, and b) her egg is NOT totally normal, and has in fact hatched right next to her bed. Dun dun duuuuuuuuuuun.

Meanwhile, Joyce has heard all the stabby commotion at 2.45am. LOL, just kidding. She heard Buffy talking to Willow on the phone. She wants to know why Buffy’s still dressed, and decides to be a responsible parent and ground her for all of ever. Dropping her off at school the next day, Joyce says that school finishes at 2.30, and I have to give a “HUH??” because when the hell do y’all ever get any learning done if school finishes that early?!?!?! (Or does school START at stupid o’clock to make up for it?? HELP ME UNDERSTAND, AMERICA.) (S: My high school started at 8:10 and let out at 3:00) (L: High School for me started at 7:25 and let out at 2:45.) (K: THANK YOU. Australian high schools – all of them – start at 8.30 and finish at 3.30. Hence the confusion). Anyway, Buffy is to go to the Wiggins Library the minute school finishes and stay there until Joyce picks her up.

Sweeney: This whole thing was so many levels of annoying. Joyce, Emperor of the Negligent Parents Association, is oblivious to details about her daughter’s life like the time she DIED, but tries to pull this lock down shit over this? Furthermore, Joyce’s attempt at involved parenting doesn’t involve any actual conversation or interaction with her daughter. Stay in the library! Then straight to your room! Actual parenting is way hard. I don’t remember hating Joyce this much the first time around, but I despise her a little more with each episode.

Lor: My exact gripe. Well said.

K: +1. I used to really like Joyce. Now, not so much… Buffy approaches Cordy on the way into school, and I have to stop again because Cordy is wearing the following:

1. A pearl necklace
2. A crisp white blouse
3. Suede ankle boots
4. A black leather mini skirt with a slit up one side
5. A black leather WAISTCOAT
6. THAT TEDDY BEAR BACKPACK FROM EARLIER.

I can’t even, you guys.

Sweeney: As tragic is this all is, it still beats overalls and the flannel shirt of sadness.

K: Truth. Buffy asks if Cordy’s egg is acting weird, and Cordy replies with “It’s an egg, Buffy. It doesn’t emote.”, which makes me love her despite her completely batshit crazy outfit. Willow comes up, and they discuss the Egg Baby Weirdness. Buffy’s brought the stabbed beastie to school, because Giles wants to analyse it, and because “A day without an autopsy is like a day without sunshine“. The camera zooms out to show an Egg Baby hatchling attached to Willow’s back under her shirt.

Xander appears, eating some kind of…snack food thing?…before deeming it “cardboard-y”, and deciding that his Egg Baby will make a suitable replacement foodstuff. Which leads to this:

Over in the science lab, the gang make “NYARGH”-ing noises over the hatchlings, and then Cordy’s Egg Baby pokes the eyes out of her bear backpack with its creepy tentacles, and I kind of can’t help but laugh because it’s RIDICULOUS. They ponder about the fate of Apparently Not Dead Health Teacher, before Willow says “Maybe the offspring simply used him to return to the mother Bezoar.” There’s a brief moment of “Huh??” and then Cordy hits Buffy in the face with a metal pole as Willow hits Xander over the head with a microscope. Possessed Willow and Cordy dump Buffy and Xander in a closet, then grab digging tools from the VERY large supply in the maintenance area before heading to the Basement of Don’t Go In There.

Over in the Wiggins Library, Joyce appears to pick up Buffy. Giles says he hasn’t seen her. Joyce asks if Giles has children, and when he replies in the negative, she says “They can be such a…oh, I don’t want to say burden. But, uh… Actually, I do want to say burden.”, and I kind of want to punch her in the face. NEGATIVE A MILLION SANDY COHEN EYEBROWS TO YOU, JOYCE. (S: FFS. SHE IS THE ABSOLUTE WORST.) Giles hears a noise, and when Joyce turns, he plants an Egg Baby hatchling on her back. Joyce screams and flails in a hilarious but apparently un-screen-shotted movement. SAD PANDA. They join the others in the basement.

Back in the closet, Buffy and Xander wake up to find two Egg Babies about to hatch. In typical quick thinking fashion, Buffy squashes them with a toolbox. She breaks down the cupboard door, and they run to the library for help. Except Giles is gone, and they have to get into research mode on their own. By a nice piece of moving-the-plot-along contrivance, he’s left a book sitting on the desk to the exact right page, so they now know what they’re dealing with. When Xander stands on a bit of eggshell, they know that Giles is now a Zombie Person.

Sweeney: In defense of contrivance: since the audience was already in the know, it would have been majorly annoying to have to wait for them to actually figure this out by reasonable means, especially since this is Buffy and Xander, neither of whom are known for their excellence with things involving books. Contrivance pretty much saved the world in this episode.

K: It really does. Down in the Basement of Don’t Go In There, all the Zombie People are digging up a bigass demon thing and collecting eggs as Buffy voiceovers that the mother Bezoar hibernates underground laying eggs. She and Xander follow Zombie Jonathon down to the Basement of Don’t Go In There, and see Big Momma Bezoar for the first time:

Sweeney: But only slightly more creepy/impressive; this show’s Demon Special Effects Team is not exactly its great strength.

Lor: Also, WTF Jonathan? Who are you and why are you suddenly consistent demon bait?

K: My first thought at Sweeney’s “this show’s Demon Special Effects Team is not exactly its greatest strength” was “Have you SEEN the Daleks?? They’re basically made out of what the BBC had lying around in the basement. Which was apparently a pepper shaker, a whisk and a plunger… And 50 years later, they haven’t changed. Except that they’re now pretty colours.” Oh, BBC. Don’t ever change…

ANYWAY. Buffy searches for a weapon before turning to find the Redneck Vamps behind her. There’s a fight, and they end up in the Bezoar Basement. Amusingly, Lyle and Buffy fight side-by-side against the Zombie People with a good dose of turning on each other in between. Tector, meanwhile, tries to make friends with Big Momma, and gets eaten for his troubles. Buffy also gets pulled into Big Momma, but manages to grab a pick axe on her way. There are fighting noises, and some screaming from Big Momma, and then all the Egg Baby hatchlings drop off, and the Zombie People black out.

Lyle looks a little terrified, and looks up to see Buffy pull herself out of the giant hole in the floor, dripping in Big Momma blood. He quickly decides to leave town.

Outside, Giles announces to everyone that it was a gas leak, because apparently that’s an appropriate cover story as to why half of Sunnydale was down in the Basement of Don’t Go In There with pick axes and hoes. Joyce appears, and has a brief moment of concern for Buffy before berating her for not being in the library after school like she’d been told. Apparently Buffy’s now confined to her room, which is going to put a serious crimp in her slaying duties. Except not in her Angel face nomming, because her bedroom has a convenient window:

Take THAT, Joyce. Y’all, I may be Team Spike, but I’m also Team Joyce Is A Bitch In This Episode, so this ending is great.

Lor: So, K said she hated this episode, but I didn’t. Not in so many words. I mean, yes the foley guys went to town with the face slurping sound effects and yes, I kind of wanted the Bezoar to take out Joyce, but it was silly fun. I think the thing about it is that it’s a campy, funny episode when we’ve had a string of episodes that had some facet of really! serious! things! I can’t say I loved it, but it was no “I Robot… You Jane.”

Just a little egg baby, evil tentacle fun, ya know?

 K: Honestly, I probably hate it because of all the Buffy and Angel face noms. Also because there’s no Spike and no Oz. LAME. But yeah, I feel you on the nice to have a break from the serious, especially given what’s coming up……………. *foreboding*

 

Next time, it’s Buffy’s 17th birthday, and there are surprises all around. To find out what they are, tune into S02 E13 – Surprise.