Dawson’s Creek S04 E09 – Have Yourself a Snobby Little Christmas

Previously: We engage in some harmless vandilization senior pranking, and Drue finally gets a bit of what he deserves.
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Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

Chelsea: Lights up on Leery Manor as Dawson and a girl that COULD BE JOEY are in his room watching movies. Only just kidding, it’s totally Gretchen. And the movie they’re watching is one of Mr. Brooks’. Dawson laments that he wants to hate Mr. Brooks’ work (wonder what it’s like to want to hate something that badly, hmmm blonde spider?) but then goes on to call it a ‘heartbreaking work of staggering genius’ and I’m throwing up too hard to wonder if it’s hyperbole.

Gretchen, being the rational adult that she is, tries to explain that the pulpy crime-noir thing they just watched was trite and unromantic. But Dawson isn’t having it because the movie has HEART, damn it.

Kirsti: Gretchen clearly hated that movie. A LOT. Meanwhile, I’d rather be rewatching the Robert Downey Jr movie of the same name as this episode than having to watch Gretchen and Dawson argue over whether this movie is genius or trite. 

Chelsea: They have some more back-and-forth banter about pursuing their dreams and how Dawson has given up on himself, but I’m too distracted by the VHS Dawson has taken out of his VCR. Oh, VHS tapes. You big beautiful black bricks of entertainment. (K: I do not miss owning TV shows on VHS and having to fast forward through 3 episodes to get to the one you wanted to watch…)

HEY YEAH YEAH YEAH.

Joey is at the Rich White Men Yacht Club, studying before her shift, when Drue’s mom enters and is basically a scum-bucket to her teenage female employee, mocking her for studying while also getting in a nasty barb about Joey taking the GED – even though Joey and Drue go to the same school.

K: Mrs Valentine is THE ACTUAL WORST, always and forever.

Chelsea: Drue’s mother then goes rapid-fire, getting in remarks about how Bessie clearly doesn’t use contraceptives and that Joey will have to give up her Saturday night plans to work at some chi-chi alumni event for the imaginarily prestigious Worthington College. I have to admit, she’s an even more horrible person than her son is, but she’s much more witty than Drue and as such is so delightfully evil to watch!

It’s even better when Joey explains that she can’t work the alumni dinner, because she’ll be going – AS A HOPEFUL APPLICANT. The alumni dude planning the dinner even compliments her application essay in front of Drue’s mom. It’s fucking brilliant, you guys. A righteous mic-drop moment.

K: SERIOUSLY. Suck it, Mrs Valentine, you raging bitch.

Chelsea: Leery’s Fresh Fish. Apparently it’s Christmas, as Mitch and Gail are hanging up Christmas lights. Dawson finishes his last college application essay (no one cares, bro) and Gail puts him on light hanging duty. Which, I mean, come on Mitch! Maybe don’t have your super-pregnant wife hanging up lights!? But anyway. Gretchen enters with a clipboard and super-90s sleeveless turtleneck sweater combo and asks if the lights mean it’s time for the annual Leery holiday party. I feel the answer here is relatively obvious, Gretchen.

Only the looks of awkward dread that pass between the Leery family clearly imply awkward-conversation-ahead territory. And then Dawson shares that there hasn’t been a Christmas party the last few years because Mitch and Gail have been figuring out their marriage and HELLO OVERSHARING, Dawson.

K: I continue to not understand how no one has punched Dawson in the face for spilling their private business all over town all the damned time. 

Chelsea: Gretchen insists on planning and throwing the party, as long as the Leery’s provide the venue, and they reluctantly give in. Because of course. At which point Gretchen tells Dawson that they have a lot to do and Dawson looks miserable. Good. That’s my favorite way for Dawson to look.

Chez Grams. Jen is trying to knit (and doing a decent job, given the amount that she’s knit. I just have to say that as a knitter/fiber crafts enthusiast who has been one since I was little, this one little scene used to make my ever-yarn-loving heart sooooo happy!). Gram and Jack come in, and Jen and Jack call each other ‘Will’ and ‘Grace’ which is really just the Venn diagram of my favorite 90’s pop culture outlets finally coming together. (K: YUP.) Grams offers to get Jack something to drink, pointedly ignoring Jen, which prompts the conversation between Jack and Jen about how Grams is still super disappointed in Jen over the whole ecstasy debacle. Which, I mean, no shit Jen.

Anyway, Jen wants to see a movie, and Jack is celebrating finishing his college applications (everyone seems to want a medal for doing this. I don’t remember it being such a torturous process) (K: Mine took literally five minutes, because AUSTRALIA) while Jen deflects the fact that she has apparently done nothing in terms of applying for college. Jack pushes the subject and Jen shuts down all cold-shoulder like and doesn’t want to see a movie with Jack anymore.

On his way out, Jack asks Gram to talk to Jen and lift the silent treatment, which Gram firmly refuses because Jen is an adult and should be able to handle the college application process on her own and deal with the results. This whole conversation seems very harsh, as Jen is clearly a teen with some troubled history (Abby! Drue! Sex! Those sweaters!) and Gram, being a good Christian lady and all, should maybe have a bit more compassion.

Leery’s Fresh Fish. Mr. Brook’s is just trying to enjoy a meal on his own when Dawson comes over and sits down at his table with no request or invitation. OH HELL NO.

I hate when people do this. I hate it even more when Dawson Leery does it. Without so much as a hello, Dawson broaches what has to be the most awkward conversation starting line: “So, seen any good movies lately.” Mr. Brooks makes what I think is a very clever joke about seeing “some film called Star Wars awhile back” and when Dawson reminds him that movie came out in the 70s he shrugs and is all “I said it was a while back.” Well played, Mr. Brooks. Well played.

K: I remember really hating Mr Brooks as a teenager. As an adult, he’s a delightful, cantankerous sass explosion.

Chelsea: Then Dawson drops the bomb that he just watched Mr. Brooks’ old movie, and he doesn’t know how to reconcile his dislike for the current grumpy-old-man-Brooks and the must-be-respected-film-genius-Brooks of the past. To which Mr. Brooks says he feels uncomfortable with Dawson’s potential newfound respect (lolz) and just wants to be left alone to finish his chili and sea bass lunch (which sounds completely gross).

K: I suspect it’s actually Chilean sea bass?? Which I only know about because it’s what they eat at the beginning of Jurassic Park, a movie I’ve seen approximately seven million times. And every time I see it, I think that the Chilean sea bass looks weirdly like fingers… I mean, seriously:

Chelsea: Dawson gives Brooks a sincere compliment, and the two seem to be right on the edge of a good moment, until Dawson asks about the incredible chemistry between the two leads in Mr. Brooks’ film and Mr. Brooks flips his shit, going completely stone-cold and banishing Dawson from his table. Uh-oh. Mayhaps a clue to leave it alone and respect his privacy, eh Dawson? Of course not. This is the Blonde Spider we’re talking about here.

Dress store. Joey is trying on those spaghetti-strap sheaf dresses that only waifs like Katie Holmes ever look good in. (K: And yet, the straps fall off her shoulders CONSTANTLY during this scene.) She’s shopping with Gretchen, and this whole scene is inserted so that we know that a.) Joey feels weird taking Pacey because maybe he’s not ‘civilized’ enough to go to such a posh event (hellloooo classism) and b.) that Joey is still obviously super-jealous that Dawson is sharing his ‘let’s watch movies in my bedroom routine’ with Gretchen now.

After the Not Commercial Break, we’re back at Capeside High while Dawson meets with his guidance counselor (which the kids at this school seem to do way more than I ever did, but maybe that’s because most of the adults in their lives are hopeless narcissists). His counselor tells him that his essay is shit, and that he needs to work harder if he wants to get into a prestigious film school like USC. And then she slides his essay across the desk and the WHOLE THING IS WRITTEN IN COMIC SANS.

That right there is clearly the reason you won’t get into college, Dawson.

K: I… did not notice that because I was too busy laughing about the line “Dawson. Uh. Do better.” But THAT IS HORRIFYING WHYYYYYYYYY.

Chelsea: Halls of Capeside High. Pacey is trying so hard to get out of this fancy dinner with Joey, but Joey won’t let him off the hook. They exchange in the witty banter that I so greatly enjoy from them, before Joey reminds Pacey that this is his boyfriendly duty, and that not going to this party could severely damage the chances of Joey getting into college. She also throws in a dig about how awful Sunday dinners with Pacey’s family are, but he agrees with her so I guess it’s okay? I’m still not really sure what this scene is for other than to establish YET AGAIN that Pace really doesn’t want to go to this party.

Chez Grams. Grams attempts to give Jen the Christmas presents her parents sent, but Jen is having none of it. She says that the one from her mom is probably a sweater, picked out by the maid, and the one from her dad is jewelry that’s been rejected from his mistress du jour. Honestly, I’m guessing that’s pretty spot-on, given what we know of the Lindley Family Saga. She tells Grams to go ahead and give them to Goodwill, and  Grams calls Jen a spoiled brat with an un-holiday-esque attitude.

K: Meanwhile, Jen’s Bah Humbug attitude speaks to my soul, because Christmas is the actual worst and I hate it. 

Chelsea: Grams suggests Jen work on her college applications while she’s in her room, and Jen throws out the zinger: “Oh, right, anything to get me out of the house sooner.” Not exactly proving how much you’re not a brat there, Jen. She then unloads a bit on Grams, saying that Grams lost the ability to comment on her future choices when she completely shut Jen out after the whole ecstasy incident (man, that casual drug use sure will mess things up for your personal relationships, kids!). She throws her gifts into the fridge and stalks out. My thoughts on which are: hey, that could still be a nice sweater, and what did the ginger-ale in the fridge ever do to you?!

Leery Manor. Gretchen tells Dawson to be honest in his essay – that he wants fame and fortune and to “bag one of the girls on the WB” which at this point feels SO self-referential considering this show AIRED ON THE WB. Like, way to be with that one, writers.

She then asks him to help her hang the mistletoe, which we all know is the Great Contrivance Fairy’s favorite holiday tool! Gretchen encourages Dawson to ask Mr. Brooks for help with his essay, since Mr. Brooks is basically an older less-awful version of Dawson, but for once Dawson looks reluctant to just blatantly intrude on someone else’s life. I mean, he probably still will, but he will hesitate about it this time for sure.

Dockside. Grams and Jack take a walk together while Grams fills Jack in on the fact that he was completely right about Jen. Which, I mean, yeah. Because he’s been talking to her about her current emotional state, which is a step in the equation Grams apparently skipped over. But Grams has an idea for how to basically trick Jen into applying for college, and she needs Jack’s help. Because there’s NO WAY that could possibly backfire.

K: SERIOUSLY. But at the same time, I kind of love Grams and Jack teaming up to get Jen into college. 

Chelsea: Mr. Brooks’ House of Sass. Dawson accidentally sneaks up on Mr. Brooks because the man can’t hear over his jazzy Christmas tunes, and Mr. Brooks lambasts him for just, you know, being in his house. Dawson gets real with Mr. Brooks, explaining that he needs to know why Mr. Brooks stopped making movies, because Dawson stopped too and had a crisis of faith (i.e. Joey loves Pacey more) that took him off his movie-making-career path. Mr. Brooks gives him a bunch of crap about how a 17 year old doesn’t know a crisis of faith from a fucking hole in the ground, and I’m reminded over and over again of why I love Mr. A.I. Brooks.

K: My favourite line here was “Well, that’s a tragic loss for the arts” when Dawson was like “I stopped making movies too”. LOLOLOLOL. Clearly Mr Brooks saw Dawson’s shitty monster movie from season 1. 

Chelsea: But Dawson has HAD ENOUGH of Mr. Brooks’ snarky attitude (oh, but I haven’t!) so he storms out of Mr. Brooks’ house with one of those fake apologies about how he’s “sorry he made the mistake of equating talent with wisdom and kindness“. Dawson, who are you kidding? Do you even know who you’re talking to here? But Mr. Brooks looks both stunned and sad, so my gut feelings tell me this relationship is just getting ready to bud like an over-emotional-tinkly-piano flower.

Yacht Club. Joey and Pacey are at the fancy dinner Pacey has been dreading all week, and I can’t even pay attention to their banter because DAMN, Pacey looks so good in a suit. I mean, all Paceys are my favorite Pacey, but to-the-nines Pacey might be my most favorite of all (K: YUP. Or possibly Braveheart Pacey. It’s a tough call). Suddenly it’s Joey freaking out about the party, and Pacey being the everloving amazing boyfriend that he is, talks her off the ledge. He’s grinning like mad, and when Joey asks him why, he tells her it’s because he’s the only guy there who gets to walk in with Audrey Hepburn on his arm. A bit of an overstatement, maybe, but I’m still over here like

K: Same, girl. Same.

Chelsea: Leery Manor. It’s Christmas party time! The jazzy Christmas music is pumping, people are hugging all around, and there is a freakishly large amount of sequined top action going on. BUT OF COURSE Dawson is up in his room pouting because fucking everything is about him and he’s just the woooooorst. He’s in the middle of an existential crisis about whether or not he even wants to go to film school, and Gretchen makes an on-the-nose metaphorical comparison to film being like this girl Dawson keeps breaking up with, even though he loves her and OH MY GOD the Joey/Dawson/Gretchen subtext here is making me so super squirmy. I just want Dawson to get over himself for like two hours and go to the damn Christmas party.

Yacht Club. Joey is being monologued at by some girl who tells Joey about how she just had to come to terms with being third in her class ranking. To which Joey replies that she was fourth, and the girl is left being SUPER snobby and all “oh, but fourth is still good!” and I just hated people like this so much in high school I want to reach through my screen and punch all the people at this party.

K: Thankfully, I never had people like that at school because we didn’t have class rankings.

Chelsea: Other Girl then sees Drue and calls him over to get another drink. Drue is creepy and snide and super hateful to Joey, telling this snobby girl (her name tag calls her Sage, which is just the most awful name) that Joey is also a waiter. At which point Sage makes an exit and the whole scenario reeks so badly of classism that I’m cringing. Everything about this party is so awful. (K: Except Pacey in a suit, obvs.)

Leery Manor. Apparently the high school guidance counselor was invited (which I guess makes a certain twisted sense since Mitch does allegedly work at the school in some undefined capacity) and she uses the holiday party as the best time to congratulate Jen on getting in her applications in time. To which Jen is all “da fuq” because she didn’t apply. I think I see what’s happening here!

Yacht Club. At the dinner table with Drue’s mom and the alumni man, Joey freezes up it with the fact that she is in a room with people with more money, and thus more privilege, than she has. Because Joey is into art, they start talking about the new Guggenheim museum, which Joey mistakenly thinks is in New York.

K: Oof. Joey. Girl. If you’re going to claim to be into art, you need to expect pretentious art snobs. 

Chelsea: Drue drops by just to tell her it’s in Spain (why is this just a thing she’s supposed to know?!) and the whole table waxes poetic about this museum. Until Pacey is all “I don’t know, I think it looks like a giant artichoke” and explains that his brother is super into architecture and coffee table books. The whole table laughs, and I glow inside that Pacey is YET AGAIN subverting all these class-based expectations others have of him. Also, the moneyed snobbery here is making my eye go all twitchy.

K: Truth. Thank God for Pacey, saving the day for everyone with awkward jokes…

Chelsea: Leery Manor. Dawson is outside, turning on lights and being pensive, when Mr. Brooks approaches with a book in hand. Said book is a film critic biography, which Mr. Brooks swears will tell Dawson why it is that they both love to make movies (which seems like such a personal question I’m not sure how reading someone else’s biography will help, but whatevs…) and then waxes nostalgic about the good-ole’-days of cinema. He apologizes for snapping at Dawson and explains that Dawson was scratching at an open wound for Mr. Brooks. To which Dawson ACTUALLY SAYS OUT LOUD “It’s none of my business.“

Mr. Brooks then goes on to explain that the incredible chemistry between actors that Dawson loved so much in his movie? Yeah, turns out that girl was Mr. Brooks’ girlfriend at the time, and the boy was Mr. Brooks’ best friend. The two fell in love, had an affair, and got married leaving Mr. Brooks heartbroken and bitter and done with film making. Hmmm, who else does this plot line perfectly describe, thus becoming heavy handed in both metaphor and all the feels?

K: WELL HELLO, ANVIL OF OBVIOUS STORYTELLING. SO NICE TO SEE YOU BACK, OLD FRIEND.

Chelsea: After his moment of honesty, Dawson invites Mr. Brooks inside, and Mr. Brooks’ answer – “meh” with a shoulder shrug – is the most on brand response I’ve possibly ever seen. (K: YUP.)

Yacht Club. Apparently the entire party is over, except Pacey and Joey and Mr. Alumni man are still at the table. Pacey is telling some joke involving a rabbi and a rectum (no, seriously) before Mr. Alumni asks why Pacey hasn’t applied to Worthington. Joey gets the suuuuuper pissed off look in her eyes. WHY, JOEY?! You wanted him to be charming boyfriend, so he’s being charming boyfriend! It’s not his fault you’re a total fucking wallflower.

K: SERIOUSLY.

Chelsea: Pacey makes up some garbage about how his parents insist he has to go to Yale (BAHAHAHAHA) before Joey pulls him outside. Where she proceeds to flip out on him for trying to hard to impress these people, for lying to Mr. Alumni, and then she goes “I don’t even know who you are right now!” when Mr. Alumni comes out and wants Pacey to meet the dean. I’m really, really mad at Joey here. I mean, she’s the one who wanted to impress these people, forced Pacey to come with her, and then got all class-conscious and shy and retreated. Was Pacey just supposed to intuit that and follow suit (hi, have you met Pacey Witter?!). Come on, Joey. Do better.

K: My notes also say “Joey, girl. Calm the fuck down.” So yeah.

Chelsea: Leery Manor. Jack comes into the party with Grams and Jen launches on the war path about both of them minding their own business. Grams drops the bomb that Jen hasn’t been applying because she doesn’t want to ask her parents for help (where did that come from?) and didn’t feel comfortable asking Grams, given their current state of communication. But Grams is always going to be there for Jen, because that’s what love is, and Jack loves Jen too and then it’s all okay and I don’t care. BACK TO PACEY.

Yacht Club. Joey is sobbing outside on the dock. Literal waifey white girl sobs. And I don’t care so bad it hurts. (K: YUP. Slow your roll, Potter.) Mr. Alumni man comes out (maybe don’t have your existential breakdown in public?) and Joey tries to apologize for the fact that she messed up this whole dinner big time by being middle class and introverted. But then Mr. Alumni man is pretty awesome, telling Joey that her grades are more than enough and no one cares about her social skills. Plus, as it turns out, Pacey has been talking Joey up with a gusto. Yeah, that’s right. Feel bad for your judgement, Joey. Feel so, so bad. Turns out Pacey has been telling them all about how Joey “helped him, changed him, how he couldn’t imagine a better life” than one with Joey in it. STOP IT WITTER. You’re not even on camera and you’re killing my feels.

K: He really is the perfect boyfriend.

Chelsea: Leery Manor. Jack is telling Jen he had to go through her computer pretty hard to find a way to fake-write her essay. Which, rather than being completely pissed off that he completely violated her privacy she instead gets really embarrassed because Jack read her journal, which is apparently full of the sexy dreams she still has about him.

K: I mean, yeah, total violation of privacy, and she should be pissed rather than embarrassed. But at the same time, in the year 2000? I had literally no sense of privacy as far as computers were concerned because we only had one computer and it was for the entire family. And nothing had passwords. So. From a 2016 perspective, it’s super squicky. But at the time of writing, it was probably less squicky??

Chelsea: She leaves awkwardly to get drinks, and this whole scene is so wrong on so many levels. Then Grams and Mr. Brooks flirt and it’s quite possibly the best 90 seconds of Dawson’s I’ve recapped to date. Until Dawson comes on the scene to tell Mr. Brooks he’s going to make a film about him. Say whaaaaaaat.

Yacht Club. Joey and Pacey hug by a fireplace, and Pacey forgives Joey because he knows she’s going to apologize for her previous freak-out-melt-down-bitch-fest moment. Which is fair, but also a huge pet peeve of mine because don’t you dare presume what I will or won’t do. So I’m feeling a little peeved with Pacey, until he says this…

And nope. We’re back to loving Pacey. You know, people say that Disney gave them wildly inappropriate concepts of relationships. I don’t blame Disney. I blame Pacey Witter.

K: SAAAAAAAAAME. #ruinedforlife

Chelsea: Joey actually apologizes and doesn’t understand how Pacey can just fit in so well with this group of people who Joey freezes up around. Pacey explains that he’s got nothing at stake, nothing riding on the outcome of the event, whereas going to this school is the thing that Joey wants more than anything, which comes with a good amount of pressure. Mind-numbing, social-skills-melting pressure. Joey gets all doe eyed and tells Pacey his mom deserves a medal, because she raised the perfect boy (which discounts the entire fact that Pacey is the way he in despite his family, not because of his family, but whatever. It’s sweet). They kiss and finally go to the Christmas party.

K: I got super pissy over that “your mother raised the perfect boy” thing, because BITCH PLEASE. You go to Sunday dinner at the Witters. You know how shitty Pacey’s family are. His mother didn’t do shit. Pacey is somehow a perfect cinnamon roll despite the circumstances of his terrible upbringing. 

Chelsea: Leery Manor. Gretchen and Dawson both wax poetic about the simpler by-gone days (aren’t they, like, 17 and 23 respectively?) until it’s pointed out by a sassy Mr. Brooks that they’re under mistletoe and thus have to kiss. The same mistletoe they hung earlier that day. I see you again, Great Contrivance Fairy. They share a kiss at the exact same moment Joey and Pacey walk in. Faces drop, eyes go wide, and we fade to black amidst way more drama than I was anticipating for the last minute of this show.

K: What a crazy random happenstance! 

Chelsea: And there you have it, kids. Christmas in Capeside, complete with jazzy holiday tunes, a heaping dose of awkwardly placed nostalgia, and a couple of side-dishes of degrading snobbery and privacy violation. CHEERS!

Next time on Dawson’s Creek: We meet one of my least favorite characters to date in S04 E10 – Self-Reliance.