Previously: We met Lyanna Mormont, coolest girl ever, and Ian McShane, coolest Septon ever.
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No One
Catherine: The previouslies show Tommen agreeing to be in the Cult Miltant, Cersei telling Jaime that he doesn’t need to stick around because she’s gonna have a trial by combat and she’s already got a FrankenMountain for that, The Blackfish sassing Jaime, Sexy Septon getting killed and the Hound getting angry, and Arya getting stabbed a bunch.
Credits take us through King’s Landing, Riverrun (woooo!), Winterfaux, Braavos and Meereen.
Luckily the episode understands us and takes us right to Arya. Or, to Lady Crane, really. Lady Crane is doing the Joffery death scene again in the play only this time she adlibs a bit about revenge like Arya told her to and get’s powerful and moving. The crowd goes wild and she exits the stage to find that Arya is waiting in her dressing room, lying on the floor all stabbed.
Democracy Diva: I’m so glad we get to keep seeing rewrites of Braavos’s Hamilton. I would watch the shit out of a spin-off where we follow this troupe around the world. But also HELP THE BLEEDING GIRL PLEASE.
Catherine: Lady Crane takes her somewhere (her house?) and the next we see of Arya she’s sitting up in bed and talking about how Lady Crane is good at bandaging fatal stab wounds.
Look, is it realistic? No. Arya got stabbed like, 6 times in some vital organs. She was bleeding all over the place. She should’ve died. Do I care that it’s not realistic? Fuck no. ARYA IS OKAY GUYS EVERYONE BE COOL.
Diva: WRAP THAT PLOT ARMOR AROUND YOU REAL TIGHT, GIRL.
Catherine: It’s cozy in here!
Lady Crane tells Arya that she’s good at patching people up because she used to stab her cheating boyfriends a lot. Fair. Also apparently she fucked up Fake!Sansa’s face for trying to kill her. She offers to let Arya come with the acting troupe to Pentos when they leave. Arya argues that she can’t and then one of the script writers gets a giggle when they have Maisie Williams insist that she wouldn’t be able to remember the lines.
Arya tells Lady Crane that she wouldn’t be safe around her while The Waif is looking for her. Lady Crane asks her where she’s gonna go and Arya tells her that she wants to go west of Westeros because no one knows what’s there. Gendry, probably. Who knows? Lady Crane gives Arya some milk of the poppy so she’ll sleep.
Diva: Wait, there’s a west of Westeros? It’s not just… like… the eastern part of Essos? IDK, Arya. That sounds shady. Maybe go to Pentos with the cool theater kids.
Catherine: Or go find Jon and Sansa. Or anything not dangerous.
Over in the general woods area of Westeros, four men are talking around a campfire.
Two older ones and two younger ones. The older ones (I mean, we’re talking mid-30’s here. I’m just doing a comparison. Not trying to be a millennial all in your face) are clearly messing with the younger ones and one of them asks if they want to know how to kiss properly. One of the older ones gets up to teach one of the younger ones how to kiss in a demonstration. I was pretty surprised that the younger one was down for this in this homophobic society.
Anyway, he starts to pretend to teach him and then just shoves a finger down the guys pants and into his butt? I can’t write a description better than this. He also smells his finger afterwards. I’m so glad the writers thought this scene was worth including.
Diva: I feel like the writers have no idea why we watch this show. Hint: it’s not for butthole-molesting.
Catherine: It never, never was.
Anyway then The Hound comes up behind them and wholesale murders all of them for info about where the guys that attacked Sexy Septon are.
Varys and Tyrion walk by on one of their outings. Tyrion marvels at how the city has come back to life but Varys is still touchy about him making a pact with the devil with the red dress on.
They get to the docks and look out on the ship that Varys is about to board and Tyrion realizes that he’s going to miss him. He tells Varys that he hopes he’s right about the expedition he’s about to go on and Varys says they need friends in Westeros. They talk about how Dany super needs to come back and then Varys says that he’s gonna walk the rest of the way to this ship by himself because he can’t go off on a secret expedition with the most famous dwarf in the city. And Tyrion stops him to point out that he’s the most famous dwarf in the world, thank you very much.
Diva: Tyrion is such a diva.
The Manson family as represented by Lancel Lannister tells her that the High Septon wants to see her and Cersei tells them that if he wants to see her than he can drag his ass down there to do it. Lancel tells her that it’s not a request and Cersei’s like well then why’d I just say no? She demands that they get out and they start to grab her before the Mountain steps in.
Lancel, obviously pissing whatever he’s wearing under that robe, tells Cersei to tell FrankenMountain to move aside or there will be violence. Cersei tells them she chooses violence. One of the Faith Militant attacks the FrankenMountain with a pointed-mace thing and it dents his armor and clearly goes into his flesh but he doesn’t even flinch.
So…Frankenmountain clearly can’t feel pain anymore or be killed. (D: Maybe his armor is just really good! I mean, I don’t think death is totally off the table. I hope. #CleganeBowlHype ) (C: I hope not! The last thing we need is an immortal servant of Cersei. )
He strangles the Faith Militant guy and rips his head off his body, because of course. The other Faith Militants stand in a huddle, shitting their pants and Cersei tells them that the High Septon can come visit whenever he wants.
Riverrun. Outside the Blackfish’s castle. Brienne and Podrick stand on a hill overlooking the siege and Brienne sees Jaime and obviously feels emotions. Soldiers surround them and Brienne tells them to tell Jaime that she’s there and wants to talk to him and she also has his sword.
Next scene, Podrick is watching soldiers ride by when someone puts him in a choke hold from behind. It’s Bronn, of course. Who else would do that?
He lets Pod go and they have a laugh about how it’s cray that Pod’s still alive. (D: Truth.) Bronn asks if Brienne and Jaime are in the tent and wonders if they’re fucking. Pod’s like EW GROSS NO. Bronn’s like why not? He says that he’d fuck Brienne and asks if Pod would. Pod’s points out that he’s her squire. Which isn’t a no, Pod.
Bronn lets that go and says that Jaime and Brienne clearly have shippy eyes for each other and says that he misses Tyrion because girls didn’t hit on him as much. Then he reminds Pod that he has a magic cock, which I forgot about. Remember that time they had an entire storyline about Pod’s magic cock? This show is surreal.
Diva: Dear show: more stories about Pod’s magic cock, and maybe Jon Snow’s zombie penis, and fewer butthole molestations. XOXO, Snark Ladies.
Catherine: Please and thank you.
Pod tells him that Brienne is training him to fight. Bronn asks how he snuck up on him then. Pod says that that’s a different sort of fighting and Bronn asks him if he wants to learn that sort of fighting. I hope this isn’t gonna turn into another ass-fingering situation. (D: I hope we never have to say that again.)
It doesn’t, thank god. Bronn just points out that Pod’s feet are too far apart when he assumes his stance and then when Pod looks down he smacks him across the face. He tells him that the first lesson is to assume that everyone wants to hit him because they do.
Inside the tent, Jaime tells Brienne that he never thought she would find Sansa because he figured she (Sansa) was probably dead.
Jaime says that he’s proud of her for fulfilling her obligation to Catelyn against all odds. Brienne looks a little pleased for a moment before Jaime reminds her that his sister wants Sansa dead. He says it all cocky because he’s been re-Lannistered since he last saw Brienne. If anything, he’s even more of a Lannister now? I’m not sure how this guy that pushed a kid out of a window and crippled him in the first episode seems like more of an asshole than ever to me now but he does.
Diva: And also raped his sister, regardless of whether or not the show actually believes that happened! Yup, still definitely an asshole.
Catherine: Jaime asks her why she’s there. Brienne tells him that Sansa wants The Blackfish’s army to reclaim Winterfaux and make it Fell again. Jaime says that he’s there to defeat the Tully rebels so…
Brienne’s like, the Tullys are rebels because they’re defending their home? Jaime says that Riverrun was granted to the Freys. Brienne argues that it was granted as a reward for betraying Robb Stark and slaughtering his family. I love her. She is so an honorary Stark now. Do we get to bestow that?
Diva: We do! Here you go, Brienne:
Anyway, Jaime’s like, yeah and they both go silent as they fully realize that they are fighting this war from opposing sides. This is the clearest that line has ever been drawn between them. Jaime gets frustrated and says they shouldn’t be fighting about politics. Brienne tries to tell him there is honor in him and she’s seen it herself. Jaime reminds her that he’s a Lannister and she can’t ask him to betray his house.
Brienne suggests he take Riverrun without bloodshed by letting her go into the castle by herself and convince The Blackfish and lead the Tully forces north. Brienne thinks that if it means his men will be safe, he’ll do it. Jaime asks if shes ever met The Blackfish and says that he’s even more stubborn than she is. But Jaime agrees to to the terms and gives Brienne until nightfall to talk The Blackfish into leaving.
Brienne gives Jaime back the sword, Oathkeeper. She says that he gave it to her for a purpose and she achieved that purpose. Jaime says that the sword is hers to keep and it will always be hers. Brienne looks touched, and maybe on the verge of tears but keeps the sword and turns to leave. Before she walks out she asks Jaime something else and calls him, Ser Jaime. Jaime, sort of uncomfortable amused, calls her Lady Brienne in return.
I don’t know what their relationship is or how I feel about it anymore, guys.
Brienne tells Jaime that if she can’t convince The Blackfish and if Jaime attacks the castle honor will compel her to fight for Sansa’s kin. Jaime says of course but then Brienne adds, ‘To fight you’ and he looks upset. He tells her he hopes it doesn’t come to that and they share one last loaded look of emotions and feelings before she leaves the tent.
Diva: I care a lot about Brienne, but I care more about the two awkward looks she’s exchanged with Tormund Giantsbane than the years of history she has with Jaime. Sorry, Jaime. That’s what happens when you’re an asshole.
Catherine: Fact. I need only the best things to happen to Brienne.
Inside Riverrun, Brienne tries to convince The Blackfish to ride with her. But of course, The Blackfish didn’t get to this point by being a dang quitter. He points out that he hasn’t seen Sansa since she was a child, he can’t verify that the signed letter Brienne has from her and he doesn’t know Brienne either. Plus he just super doesn’t want to surrender.
Brienne keeps on, though. The Blackfish says he knows her father and he’s a good man but if he were there now he’s say the same thing. Brienne says that Riverrun can’t hold out against the siege and The Blackfish says that they can hold out longer than her one-handed friend thinks they can. Brienne’s all EW he’s not my friend, god.
The Blackfish asks her how she got in then? And also where she got the sword with the gold lion on it.
Brienne looks stricken as she tells Pod to send Sansa a raven saying that they failed.
King’s Landing. Cersei, Creepy Qyburn and the Mountain walk into the crowded throne room and Cersei tells uncle Kevan that she’s surprised she wasn’t informed that Tommen is about to make an announcement. Kevan snidely tells her that there’s gonna be a royal announcement in, like a minute. Then he prevents her from standing next to the throne and tells her to go to the gallery. Tommen sees this go down and looks away.
Diva: Uncle Kevan to Cersei, basically:
When Cersei goes up into the gallery the other ladies of the court move away from her and the FrankenMountain for obvious reasons. Tommen gives his brainwashed speech about when Cersei and Loras’ trials are going to be. Also, hey, the crown decided to outlaw trail by combat, because it’s barbaric.
This means that Cersei’s whole plan was just shot to shit. (D: AND SO IS TRIAL BY CLEGANEBOWL. Fuck you, Tommen.) (C: DAMMIT TOMMEN) She now has to be tried in front of the High Septon because apparently this is his city now and Tommen is milquetoast. HE IS WET, SOGGY MILK TOAST.
If you’re gonna call out your mom, just do it, dude. None of this prancy shit.
Tommen leaves the throne room and looks ashamed, not meeting Cersei’s eyes. Qyburn comes up to Cersei and cryptically says that the rumor she told him to investigate is true.
Diva: I bet this rumor is something great! Like, Ser Pounce and his cat wife just had kittens! It’s definitely kittens, you guys.
Catherine: Oh man, I hope so. That or he just found a great ice cream place. It could happen?
Meereen. Tyrion is drinking with Grey Worm and Missandei again. I bet they really wish he had other friends. He tries to get them to loosen up and have a drink. Grey Worm tells him that the Unsullied aren’t supposed to drink. Tyrion asks if it was his former masters that told him that and Grey Worm takes the drink from him. Tyrion asks Missandei what her excuse is and she says that she’s tried wine before but it made her feel funny. Tyrion tells her that ‘feeling funny’ is how you know wine is working.
Which is pretty accurate. But don’t peer pressure people into drinking, kids.
Tyrion talks about wine and says that after Dany has taken the seven kingdoms he’d like to have his own vineyard. That sounds exactly like the type of ending I could envison for him. (D: He is the god of tits and wine, after all.) He asks Missandei to tell him a joke but she doesn’t know any. Neither does Grey Worm. So Tyrion decides to tell one:
Three lords, a Stark, a Martell and a Lannister walk into a tavern and order ale. But when the barkeep brings them over each of them finds a fly in his cup. The Lannister, outraged, shoves the cup aside and demands another. The Martell plucks the fly out and swallows it whole. The Stark reaches into his cup, pulls out the fly and shouts ‘Spit it out, ya wee shit! Spit it out!’
Hilarious. I get the feeling this joke was not made up for the show but was, in fact originally about a something, a something and a Scotsman. I say that because Dinklage couldn’t help but go into a Scottish accent for the last part and also because I’m half-Scottish and all of our jokes are about us being alcoholics and not wearing underpants.
Diva: It gave me that same “northerners are dumb country bumpkins” vibe as Braavosi Hamilton. But Tyrion Lannister making fun of anyone else for drinking is the definitely the crow calling the raven black.
Catherine: Anyway, Grey Worm and Missandei don’t laugh. Grey Worm says that he thought Starks and Lannisters were enemies, implying that he doesn’t get why they’d be drinking together. Missandei explains to him about jokes because he doesn’t have the internet. Tyrion asks Missandei if she likes the wine and she admits that she does. He demands that she tell a joke and she looks thoughtful for a moment and Tyrion leans forward.
Missandei’s joke is this:
Two translators are on a sinking ship. The first says, ‘Do you know how to swim?’ The second says, ‘No, but I can shout for help in 19 languages’.
Tyrion fake laughs. Grey Worm unemotionally says that it’s the worst joke he’s ever heard. Missandei points out that he didn’t even know what a joke was until 30 seconds ago. Grey Worm says that he’s been a soldier all his life so obvs he’s heard a joke or two. Tyrion says that he lied to them and Grey Worm says that he ‘make joke’ in a very dry tone. Missandei bursts out laughing and it’s basically the sound that kittens make when they play in a beam of sunshine. It’s very adorable. Grey Worm smiles at her like he thinks so too.
Diva: It’s the happiest thing we’ve heard on this show since that story about Pod’s magic cock.
Catherine: And that’s saying something.
Missandei demands more jokes. Tyrions starts one about a honeycomb and a jackass in a brothel but gets interrupted by an alarm bell ringing.
Outside, a bunch of warships are in the harbor. It’s the masters from the other cities, back to retrieve their property. Missandei looks pissed. Tyrion looks worried.
Riverrun. Jaime visits Edmure in his cell/tent. Jaime apologizes for the way that Edmure was treated and says that because he is highborn he deserved better even as a prisoner.
Edmure bitterly tells him that The Blackfish will never surrender the castle. Jaime says that The Blackfish is an old man and a good death is all he can hope for but reminds Edmure that he has a child now. I guess that one night of sex he got with the one hot Frey conceived a son. He’s never met the kid, though and he hasn’t seen his wife since their wedding night.
Diva: And what a magical, beautiful wedding night it was! Oh, wait…
Catherine: I guess they managed to consummate that shit before he learned about the murders. Or his erection is impervious to sadness and betrayal.
Jaime tries to convince Edmure that he can be with his family and Jaime will arrange to have them well taken care of. I feel that that would be a one fucking awkward marriage. I know your family killed mine and you probably knew about it but do you want to go to Ikea to pick out a bed this weekend? (D: People have broken up in Ikeas over way less.)
Edmure interrupts Jaime to ask if he thinks of himself as a decent person after he’s massacred the Tullys like he did. He also notes that he’s been in a cell for years, so we get some idea of a time frame for how long it’s been in their world since the Red Wedding. I’m not sure. The kid actors on this show grow up fast but the babies all stay roughly the same age so it’s hard to tell. If it’s been ‘years’ why is Gilly’s baby, who was born before the Red Wedding, still a baby and not a toddler?
Diva: Bran is a septuagenarian and Gilly’s baby can’t walk yet. Time is a flat circle, y’all.
Catherine: Whatever.
Jaime reminds Edmure that they’re at war and this isn’t a negotiation. He fucking loves saying that. Edmure says that he’s sure Jaime realizes on some level that he’s an evil man and Jaime says he leaves judgment to the gods.
Then Edmure starts hitting on Jaime. Or he points out that he’s a fine looking man with a square jaw. Then he asks him how he lives with himself. Jaime finally begins to look a bit thoughtful. Jaime tells Edmure that he was Catelyn’s prisoner once and she hit him on the head with a rock. He says that he admired her more than he admired Ned or Robb because of the love she had for her children. He says that she reminded him of Cersei. So… he wanted to fuck her?
No, but, it is a good comparison. I think we’ve talked about it in another recap but obviously there is a parallel to draw between the way Catelyn fiercely protected her children and the way Cersei did/does. They might’ve been friends if they weren’t total enemies.
Diva: I wouldn’t go as far as that – Cersei is far too ambitious and Catelyn far too kind for them to have been friends even if they weren’t murdering each other’s relatives. But I’m here for any scene where someone tells Jaime to take a nice long look at his life and his choices.
Catherine: True, I can’t really see them braiding each others hair and talking about boys. Although I bet there’s a fanfic of that somewhere.
Edmure tells Jaime that he’s a madman. Jaime starts to talk about Catelyn again and Edmure raises his voice for the first time and tells him not to talk about her. Tell ’em, Edmure!
Edmure tells him that he didn’t come there to talk about their sisters and Jaime says that’s exactly why he came there. He says he loves Cersei and he can laugh at that all he wants because of the whole incest thing. But she needs him and in order to get back to her he has to take Riverrun. He says he’ll send for Edmure’s son and launch him into Riverrun with a catapult if he has to. Jaime says he’ll kill every Tully that ever lived if he has to to get back to Cersei because no one else matters to him. Somewhere Tommen is having daddy issues.
So they send Edmure up to the castle. The Blackfish doesn’t want to let him in but the men guarding the tower says that they have to because he’s the rightful lord of Riverrun. The Blackfish nearly pulls his sword on the guy at the gate but there’s nothing he can do so he walks away. Probably muttering some choice curse words.
The drawbridge is lowered and Edmure comes in and The Blackfish looks at him like ‘hoe don’t do it’.
Edmure immediately surrenders to the Freys because of course he does. That was the whole plan. His men obvs have to listen so Jaime and the Freys ride into Riverrun like they did anything at all. Edmure regretfully tells his men to find The Blackfish and hand him over to the Freys.
The Blackfish is ushering Brienne and Pod onto a boat and telling them to run. Brienne pleads with him to come with but The Blackfish says that he ran after the Red Wedding and he’s not running this time. He tells Brienne that she’ll serve Sansa better than he ever could.
Diva: Ugh, Blackfish, stop being so goddamn honorable and go run off with the other awesome people we like. Maybe Gendry is on the next boat over!
Catherine: Go Blackfish, go! Honor is for corpses!
He draws his sword and says that he hasn’t had a proper swordfight in years and he expects to make a damn fool of himself.
Outside, the soldiers march over the Tully banner, which is lying on the ground as new Lannister banners are hung on the castle walls. A soldier reports to Jaime that The Blackfish died fighting.
Diva: Offscreen? I ain’t buyin’ it.
Catherine: If we have learned anything this season it’s that if we don’t see a body the fucker isn’t dead. I expect The Blackfish will show up next season with emo hair or Half-Whitewalker or living with a cult or something.
Jaime, who is standing up on the castles tower thing, sees Brienne and Pod rowing away. He looks like he knows he’s supposed to stop them, but decides not to. Brienne sees him too and they wave at each other, sadly.
Meereen. ANOTHER battle is happening as the old master guys attack the city from their ships. Inside the beachfront castle, Tyrion admits that he was kinda wrong about that whole, letting the slavers have extra time to get used to the new regime thing and Grey Worm tells him to STFU because it was his talking that got them into this. Grey Worm says that they have to stay in the Pyramid because its the only part of the city they can defend. They intend to wait for the masters to come to them and fight them there.
There’s a loud thump on the roof and the guards get into position while Missandei grabs a knife. GIRL, YES. SMART.
But it’s not the old masters, and it’s not, as I’d hoped, Santa Claus. It’s Dany. She comes in doing that ‘I left you assholes alone for 5 minutes’ face and the soldiers bow.
They’re about to hang 3 guys. The same guys that The Hound is chasing.
Turns out the guys that attacked the Sept were from the Brotherhood but Beric and Thoros didn’t know about it. Apparently they’ve suffered some rebellion in their ranks since the last time we saw them.
The Hound says that he wants to kill the guys because they killed Sexy Septon. Beric says that they’re the Brotherhoods to kill because they sullied their good name. Pfft, what good name? Assholes. The Hound points out that he’s killed Beric before and he’s happy to do it again if he has to.
Diva: Considering one of these guys once killed another one of these guys, this is a pretty nice reunion.
Catherine: Before he can start murdering people like he likes to do Beric relents and says that The Hound can kill one of the men. The Hound wants two. Beric agrees. It’s obvious that he doesn’t want to argue over this because the 5 or so members of the Brotherhood standing there are probably all that’s left.
The Hound starts to chop one of the tied up men with his murder axe but Thoros Manbun stops him. He says that they aren’t butchers and they’re gonna hang the men. The Hound’s like uggghhh hanging? That’s so quick. He tries arguing with Beric about what body parts he can chop off before he hangs them and Beric puts his foot down and insists that they civilly strangle them to death instead.
The Hound is like fine, god and calls them nances before he kicks the boxes that the guys are standing on out from under them and we listen to their death gurgles for way too long. Then he pulls off the leader’s shoes before the guy is even dead and asks the Brotherhood if they have anything to eat.
Cut to them having a nice little picnic around a campfire. The Hound admits that he’d prefer chicken. Lol. Callback.
Diva: The Hound and chickens, OTP, forever and for always.
Catherine: Beric tells The Hound that he should join the Brotherhood because they could use him and Thoros preaches about them being destined for something and the Lord of Light bringing Beric back so many times for a reason. I can only imagine that if that’s true, the Lord of Light is sick and tired of bringing Beric back by now. “Why does this guy keep fucking dying? Medammit!”
The Hound is like lol no, and then pisses in a lake. So basic Hound stuff. (D: God, I missed him.)
But Beric tells him that there’s a reason that the Lord of Light gave him the power to beat Beric when they fought in season 3 and The Hound was born to fight and he can still help more than he’s hurt, yada, yada. I’m too distracted by Thoros’ man bun to pay attention really. The Hound looks thoughtful as we cut away.
Braavos. Arya is still resting in Lady Crane’s house (or where ever they are). Lady Crane checks on her in a very motherly way before going into the next room and climbing up onto a stool to reach a bottle from a high cabinet. Behind her we see that someone has warped into the room between shots. Of course it’s The Waif. Who else can teleport? The Waif, (who is wearing the face of a grown, waifish looking man) kills Lady Crane by knocking her off her stool and breaking her neck. Or something like that. It cuts away and we only hear the clatter and bang and see Arya waking up.
Diva: I wish I could be surprised. But if I didn’t already know Lady Crane was gonna die going into this episode, her being so motherly to Arya would have given it away. This show doesn’t give us that shit for free.
Catherine: So accurate it hurts.
Arya looks pained but she gets to her feet and looks around for Lady Crane. She finds her body all hunched over and bent at odd angles. The Waif tells Arya that Lady Crane would’ve died painlessly if she’d killed her like she was supposed to.
Fucking Waif.
The Waif then says that the many-faced god was promised a name and stupidly backs Arya up to an open doorway leading onto a balcony. Of course, Arya jumps off the balcony and a chase begins through the streets of Braavos.
Arya goes into a bathhouse to lose her but The Waif finds her again and has a CREEPY smile the whole time she’s running full speed after her, knocking people over and shit. Arya performs a HUGE leap of faith off of a wall but instead of hitting a conveniently stacked pile of hay, she hits a stairwell and rolls all the way down it. She knocks over tons of fruit baskets from vendors and we see that one of the oranges has blood on it as it rolls away.
The vendors bitch at her but these are the people that let a young, wounded girl walk through the street without stopping her last week so fuck them. People in Braavos kinda suck, guys.
Arya’s hurt from the fall, and bleeding from her wound opening back up. She hobbles away down a street leaving a blood trail and The Waif does a creepy Terminator slow walk to follow her. Arya makes it to a little storage room where it’s dark except for one candle providing a dim light.
The Waif finds her hunched over on the ground and seems to take some small amount of pity on her for the first time in ever, telling her that it will all be over soon. She offers to let her die on her feet and Arya stands up. But as she does she pulls Needle out from underneath a bag.
The Waif is all like, pfft, that won’t help you and starts toward her. But Arya takes a deep breath and slices the candle on the table next to her, plunging the room into darkness.
I totally found a bunch of gifs of this scene without text but look how cool these ones are:
Diva: But, was it unintentional? To me, that always seemed like part of the required Hogwarts School of Assassins training, not some special lesson just for Arya.
Catherine: I honestly didn’t even think of that. She probably would’ve had the same training. I’m thinking the writers didn’t completely think this one through.
In the next scene, Jaqen is in the House of Black And White wondering where the fuck everyone is when he notices a blood trail leading back to the hall of faces.
Inside the hall there is a new face hanging on the wall. The Waif’s face. MY GIRL sliced off the bitch’s face!
Diva: YAAAAAAAAS. A Waif has no face. Everything is awesome.
Catherine: Just as Jaqen sees it (and looks bored, because that’s how he always looks) Arya shows up behind him with Needle pointed at him.
She says that Jaqen told The Waif to kill her and he admits that he did but she survived, almost proudly. He leans into the sword and says that a girl is finally No One.
MY GIIIRRRLLLLL.
Diva: ARYA IS THE BEST, THIS IS SO EXCITING, I’M SO HAPPY SHE’S GOING HOME.
Okay, let me shit all over the last ten minutes of this episode now. Here’s a list of things that don’t make any fucking sense, besides Arya not having died like five times already:
1) super secret assassins having very public brawls through the streets
b) the Waif apparently not having ever had the same fighting-while-blind training she gave Arya
cat) Remember that time Jaqen told Arya that she had to get rid of all her possessions, especially Needle, in order to be no one? Because Needle belongs to Arya Stark and not no one? And that’s why she had to hide it under that rock for the last season or so? Why the fuck is Jaqen all, “yup, congrats, happy graduation, you’re totally no one now” when he sees her with Needle? THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF BEING NO ONE. I know I should just forgive the Great Contrivance Spirit for getting Arya the hell out of this endless storyline already, but what in the actual fuckery is going on right now?
Catherine: Because it looked cool? All I got. This is all very valid criticism. I’m not sure why Jaqen would let her walk out of there if they are supposed to be super secret assassins. Seems like he’d be worried that she’d tell someone about them? Maybe he was worried she’d slice his face off too?
So overall this episode was mostly about moving things into place for the next episode, the much hyped Battle of the Bastards and the season finale. The only story line that was really tied up was Arya’s and maybe The Hound’s. We’ve got Cersei clearly planning something with Qyburn, Dany about to fight her own battle of the whoever-is-dumb-enough-to-go-up-against-dragons, and Jaime doing whatever.
I don’t really feel that there’s a lot to further analyze in this episode beyond: Arya is COOL (even if her plot has holes like Swiss cheese) and things are clearly moving into place for a huge season finale.
Diva: Arya’s plot holes do not diminish her coolness at all. She can start teleporting and I’d be like, yup, still love her.
As always, here are your #gameofsnark tweets for this episode:
Ladies in theater troops know how to clean up a hot mess. #GameofThrones #gameofsnark
— Haley Dercher (@HaleyDercher) June 13, 2016
Eh, you know how it is. You stab your man. You fix him up again. Same old shit. #gameofthrones #gameofsnark
— Rhonda Cowsert (@rcowsert) June 13, 2016
welp, that’s… a thing we just watched happen. #GameofThrones #gameofsnark
— Democracy Diva (@democracydiva) June 13, 2016
Forgot that The Hound was basically Rambo. #gameofsnark
— Catherine McGinnes (@CatherineJane91) June 13, 2016
well death certainly has not hampered the mountain’s head-destroying game #GameofThrones #gameofsnark
— Democracy Diva (@democracydiva) June 13, 2016
How much have we missed Bronn! #gameofthrones #gameofsnark
— Rhonda Cowsert (@rcowsert) June 13, 2016
Tommen, you dummy. You big dummy. #GameofSnark #GameofThrones
— Daria Marshall (@idoubledogdaria) June 13, 2016
NOOOOOO TOMMEN YOU’RE RUINING #CleganeBowl!!!!!!!!!! #GameofThrones #gameofsnark
— Democracy Diva (@democracydiva) June 13, 2016
Every time Jaimie gives someone his word they’re always like “….you got anything else? A house in the country as collateral?” #gameofsnark
— Haley Dercher (@HaleyDercher) June 13, 2016
Dany just using her dragons like Uber now. #GameofThrones #gameofsnark
— Haley Dercher (@HaleyDercher) June 13, 2016
Dany’s like “guys, I TOLD you NO FRIENDS OVER WHILE I WAS GONE!” #gameofthrones #gameofsnark
— Rhonda Cowsert (@rcowsert) June 13, 2016
Arya! Parkour for your life! #gameofsnark
— Catherine McGinnes (@CatherineJane91) June 13, 2016
If you show me the Brotherhood, you better show me Gendry or Lady Stoneheart #GameofSnark #GameofThrones
— Daria Marshall (@idoubledogdaria) June 13, 2016
Also I got really excited for a second and thought one of those kids was Gendry 🙁 #gameofsnark
— Franuel (@LollyWheeks) June 15, 2016
Next time on Game of Thrones: Jon faces off against Ramsay in S06 E09 – Battle of the Bastards.
I'm a 28 year old graduated English major and almost librarian. I can often be found singing too loudly (poorly) in the car or spending some time (hours) on Tumblr. I am a lover of Harry Potter, the Spice Girls, and too many other things.
I'm a J.D. by day/blogger by night who directs her snark and judgment primarily towards celebrities and their many red carpet mishaps. Blogging from the style capital of the world (just kidding - I live in DC), I rant and rave over the best and worst in fashion and pop culture.
