Dawson’s Creek S04 E13 – The Perils of Underage Dating

Previously: Gretchen and Dawson sorted out their feels, Tobey was bad at being a human, and the Witter family was THE WORST to the best character on this show.
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Hopeless

Chelsea: Welcome back, dear readers. Hopefully this episode will bring us way less emotional abuse!

Leery’s Worst Restaurant Name. Gail is upset because Gretchen in taking personal calls at work, instead of doing her job and getting more wine.

Kirsti: I’ve had bosses crack the sads at me for even touching my phone at work, so the idea of Gretchen taking personal calls (ON THE WORK LANDLINE NO LESS!) is baffling to me.

Chelsea: She stalks away, and of course Dawson arrives with said wine in hand. Gail asks if Gail is being a bitch at home to, which gives Dawson the chance to try and explain his righteously hormonal pregnant mother, who only wants her paid employees to do her job. Gretchen worries it might have something to do with them being a couple, but Dawson insists Gail doesn’t care. Gretchen tells Dawson that a couple of her friends are in town the next night, and want to meet him, and Dawson gets all squirmy because meeting new people – ew. Gretchen insists they’ll love him just as much as she does and the two kiss over the bar. Which is of course Gail’s cue to come up and clear her throat and look super mad and awkward. Point to Gail.

HEY YEAH YEAH YEAH.

Yacht Club. Drue’s mother is being awful to Drue, and we catch the tail end of some lecture she was giving. He calls her a Disney villain (not even close – she’s like 10,000x more evil than anyone Disney dreamed up) (K: YUP) and stalks off as Joey comes in to ask for a Friday and Saturday off so she can go on her senior trip. Drue’s mother agrees – on the condition that Joey and Pacey go out on a double date with Drue and some girl that night. Said girl is the daughter of the president of the Yacht Club, and she needs Drue to make a good impression. Since Pacey and Joey are “the perfect couple” – ACCURATE – she thinks they’ll be a good influence. Joey agrees. And oh yeah – there are a bunch of super classist and judgmental remarks thrown in for good measure, but what else is new, am I right?

K: SERIOUSLY. Also, I don’t know what it is about her yacht club uniform, but Joey always looks super pale, like she dragged herself off her sick bed to be there. 

Chelsea: Brooks’ House. Dawson and Mr. Brooks are doing movie things. Grams brings in Mr. Brook’s pills as Dawson gets ready to leave. Mr. Brooks has Dawson sign some legal paperwork that lets him grab Mr. Brooks’ medicine from the pharmacy, and Dawson JUST SIGNS THE LEGAL CONTRACT WITHOUT READING IT. Valuable life skill number 1: don’t sign anything legal without reading it first, you dumb blonder spider human. Grams comes back as Dawson scoots out the door and Mr. Brooks pockets his pills. Uh-oh.

Cool Whitter House. Pacey tells Gretchen her outfit is too slutty for date-going, even though it’s a long-sleeved crop top sweater (and this is the 90s). He urges her to put on something shapeless and baggy, and she reminds him it’s not a date, it’s a group activity. Gretchen asks Pacey what he’s still doing at home, and Pacey says he’s preparing himself for another night of being a perfect boyfriend – a thankless job, for few rewards. Not that he’s in it for the rewards, by which he means the sex. Which he and Joey still aren’t having. Rather than talk about it, Gretchen’s friends show up and she’s out the door.

K: OOF. Pacey, I love you. But no no no no no no noooooooo.

Chelsea: Tobey. Just standing outside a house. Jack jogs up and Tobey says he should have known Jack was the type of person who jogs – the country club family type who probably plays a mean game of tennis. Dude, didn’t Jen just tell you last episode that being nice and less of a judgmental dick was a better way to get Jack (or any human) to like you? Major fail. Turns out Tobey is there to ask for Jack’s help tutoring some inner city kids with literacy issues – after all, Jen told him Jack likes working with kids. Jack makes a quip about not wanting a repeat of the soccer team incident, and Tobey tells him to “check your attitude at the door and get serious.” (K: Stop. Talking.) SERIOUSLY, TOBEY?! Jack passes, and Tobey tells them he can meet them at the junior high if he changes his mind.

Marina. Pacey complains about having to double date, and Joey asks him if he wants her to go on the senior trip. He says he wants her anywhere – on a boat, on a trip, on a mountain…Pacey, your growing sexual frustration is so overwhelmingly obvious. Joey seems oblivious (duh) and reminds him that it doesn’t matter if they have fun. The person who needs to have fun is Anna (Drue’s date) so they have to be nice to her no matter how much of a spoiled bitch she is. Damn, there goes that middle class inferiority complex rearing it’s ugly head again! They kiss and Drue’s car pulls up. Anna gets out of the car and mixes up who is Joey and who is Pacey, by which we are supposed to know she’s a dumb blonde.

K: Her ridiculously high half ponytail only adds to the “NO, REALLY, SHE’S A DUMB BLONDE” vibe.

Chelsea: Even though that’s totally understandable because Joey is 99% of the time a dude’s name. Pacey jumps to open her door and Joey gives him suspicious eyes.

Mr. Brook’s House. Dawson is going over edits of his movie, and Mr. Brooks tells him it’s done. That he can fiddle with it all he wants, but the thing is ready to have credits attached and be shown to an audience. Dawson wheels Mr. Brooks to the living room and Mr. Brooks asks about Gretchen, and Dawson explains that she’s amazing but they’re taking things slowly. Mr. Brooks warns him against going too slowly, that Dawson has plenty of time to fall in and out of love more in his life. It’s strangely touching at the same time that it’s ominously foreboding.

K: Truth. Old people saying strangely touching and poignant things cannot bode well.

Chelsea: He asks for Dawson’s help getting from his wheelchair to his lounge chair, an interaction that is clearly just a guise for Mr. Brooks to give Dawson a hug. Double uh-oh. He sincerely compliments Dawson’s movie, and Dawson tells him they should make another one soon. Mr. Brooks’, to the emotional swell of acoustically mellow tunes, tells him any time. Dawson leaves, and Mr. Brooks is misty eyed. There’s a bad moon on the rise here, kids. Be warned.

K: I’m genuinely not ready to lose Mr Brooks’ special brand of sass. 

Chelsea: Not Commercial Break.

Leery Manor. Gretchen and her friends show up, but just before they’re about to leave Gail comes downstairs. She asks where they’re going, and Dawson says they’re going to a concert at a club the next town over. Gail is worried because a.) alcohol and b.) strangers in a strange place, so she puts Dawson on a ‘curfew’ and asks him to be home by 1:00. Dawson is all “but mooooooom, you’re embarasssssing meeeeeee” and tells Gretchen and her friends he’ll meet them outside.

He then FLIPS OUT on Gail, saying that he’s mortified and if she wants to flex her parental control muscles she’ll just have to wait to do it on baby number two, because he isn’t having it anymore. After which he storms out and Gail is all “….the fuck?”

K: Legit, Gail. LEGIT. 

Chelsea: Double Date from Hell. Everyone is playing miniature golf (oh, do I remember those dates!) and Drue is being an awful garbage human to his date – which is pretty much the same way he meets every other human. Joey tells Drue he needs to start being nice or she’ll hit him again like she did in the break room when he KISSED HER WITHOUT CONSENT. Yeah, still mad about that. Drue knows Joey wants him to be more like Pacey, who he then points out is having a really great time right as the pretty blonde girl gives him a hug. The patina of jealousy washes over Joey, and I’m yet again disgusted with Drue for poisoning the well.

K: I mean, NGL, it’s kind of weird to hug someone else’s date on a double date. But still. Disgusted with Drue because he sucks.

Chelsea: Literacy Night. Jack shows up at Tobey’s volunteer literacy tutoring night, even though he said he wasn’t going to. He and Tobey banter with sass, and then Tobey tells Jack he “may be one of the tribe after all“…..the tribe of people who banter? Or the tribe of people who continue to subscribe to outdated and harmful cultural stereotypes of the homosexual community? Anyway, Jack asks how the program works, and Tobey explains he’s just supposed to read with and be nice to the kids. Jack says he can do that, and Tobey says he knows, which is why he asked Jack to help in the first place. They smile, the tinkly music plays, and I DO NOT LIKE THIS.

K: Unsure if better or worse than Ethan from season 3…

Chelsea: Gretchen’s car. One of Gretchen’s friends is telling a story about her sex life, which is clearly making Dawson uncomfortable. The girls are all giggling, making inside jokes about their time as roommates and singing along to songs Dawson doesn’t know, all of which continues to just make him feel more and more awkward. And for this one time – and one time ONLY – I can relate to that. It’s awkward to be the new fifth wheel in a group of people who already know each other, especially when those people are playing catch-up because they haven’t seen each other in a while.

K: YUP. But it’s Dawson so I have a strong sense of schadenfreude. 

Chelsea: Double Date From Hell. Blonde Anna is saying something about how everyone can wear red lipstick, and saying otherwise makes certain girls feel bad. The boys return, and Drue continues to mock Anna to her face about how ‘dumb’ she is. Pacey switches into full on Hero Mode, declaring the night over and asking if it’s okay for Drue to punch him in the face.

K: PLEASE DO, PACE.

Chelsea: In retort, Drue points out that pretty girls will only sleep with you if you tell them they’re smart, and smart girls will only sleep with you if you tell them they’re pretty. Which, in my sad experience, is true, but has way more to do with the feminine identity binary that ASSHOLES LIKE DRUE continue to perpetuate, that girls can’t be both smart and pretty (and a million other things at the same time) because that would be just too difficult for men-brains to handle. But I digress. Anna realizes that Drue being an asshole is ‘all her fault’ – NO IT ISN’T – because she never should have slept with him. Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. Also, still not her fault. She runs off while Joey and Pacey look surprised and Drue looks abashed but also weirdly proud?

Dawson’s Date. Dawson mentions to Gretchen that he feels super awkward and like he’s definitely seventeen (yeah…I remember that feeling) which is only made worse when the bouncer gives him the Under 21 hand stamp. We just used to get black ‘x’s on the back of our hands that we may or may not have washed off in the bathroom, but I guess this is way more embarrassing/effective.

K: I basically spent my teen years hanging out with my sofa on a Saturday night, but friends who DID go out just went to certain nightclubs that didn’t bother carding much. The perks of having 18 as the drinking age…

Chelsea: Not Commercial Break.

Double Date From Hell. Pacey runs up on Blonde Anna and tells her not to cry over the flaming pile of douche that is Drue Valentine. Pacey commiserates that she and he are both more street smart than book smart. Anna explains that the only thing she’s good at is men, and she’s clearly ruined anything happening with Drue because she slept with him too easily. I for the life of me cannot figure out why this nice girl cares that a talking anus doesn’t want to date her, but also a guy who doesn’t like you anymore just because you slept with him isn’t worth a minute of your time, dear Anna.

K: SERIOUSLY. 

Chelsea: Dawson’s Date. They’re all in some very low-lit jazzy club and the girls are literally only talking about the losers they’ve slept with. Gretchen reassures Dawson that he’s way to nice a guy to end up on her “losers I slept with” list. Because, you know, there’s nothing a guy loves more than being called a nice guy in the same tone of voice that you’d call a puppy a cute dog, while in the midst of a conversation about all the other people you’ve slept with. That’s man bait, right there.

Her friends continue to rib on Gretchen for the poor sexual choices she’s made in the past, and I’m getting a little peeved with Gretchen – you should probably have seen this coming and known that this would not be the best time or context for Dawson to meet your friends you haven’t seen in forever. But then the musician they came to see starts playing, and Dawson and Gretchen cuddle, and I guess it’s all okay now?

K: Everything about this is super weird. Including the musician – it amuses me to no end that Gail was freaking out about Dawson going to a club when the musician is a female singer-songwriter pianist accompanied by a double bass.

Chelsea: Literacy night. The kid Jack is tutoring is having trouble with the story he’s reading, so Jack literally throws out the book and gets the kid to write his own story. The only rule – the kid can only use words in his story that he can spell. Which is a definite point one for being a good tutor/teacher, but probably a minus point for doing something this kid can actually turn in as homework. I mean, the assignment is what it is, Jack (K: SERIOUSLY). But it’s still adorable, so it’s okay. Until it makes Tobey get all googly eyed at Jack, in which case – STILL NOT OKAY.

K: I’d watch a whole episode of just Jack and this kid making up a story together.

Chelsea: Double Date From Hell. Despite still being on a date with Anna, Drue is hitting on some girls (K: URGH). Until Joey comes up and tells him they need to talk about the baby, and that it’s time he take responsibility and marry her. VERY GOOD MOVE, JOEY. Seriously, sometimes she wins me over. Then she pulls the freshman psych routine and tells him that he’s clearly just a scared boy desperate for love and if he keeps that up he’s going to live his worst fear – being alone.

Drue explains that he’s such a butt-munch because he went to all-boys schools his whole life so he doesn’t know know to talk to girls. I call bullshit. Even people who don’t know how to talk to girls know how to be good human beings. But I guess he’s trying to be earnest, an illusion which is soon shattered when he points out how cute Pacey and Anna look next to each other, glowing with that ease of personality that comes when you’ve had sex – although just sex in general, not that Pacey and Anna have had sex with each other. He makes that very clear, and uses the moment to yet again tease Joey for her virginal status.

K: Drue, you’re the fucking worst and you’re clearly manipulating Joey. STAHP. And maybe die in a fire.

Chelsea: Anna and Pacey come back, finishing up a conversation about how Anna’s dad is always trying to get her to go sailing, but she hates it. Pacey says it’s because she hasn’t ‘found the right person to do it with yet’ and then smirks at Joey. Which is supposed to be about sailing, but is clearly a metaphor for good sex between two consenting adults. THE SEXUAL TENSION IN THIS EPISODE IS KILLING ME.

Literacy Night. Jack is buzzing with excitement after his really good tutoring session, so Tobey invites him out to coffee with he and a couple of his friends. Jack says yes; my heart says no.

K: At least he didn’t say anything douchey in the encounter that created the invitation??

Chelsea: Dawson’s Date. The concert is over, and the girls want to go to some other bar. To which Dawson cannot get in, because he’s a minor, and that fact is clearly stamped on the back of his hand. Gretchen says they should all just go home, but Dawson insists they go on without him. Gretchen gives him the car keys, since they’ve been drinking, and says the girls will take a cab. She calls him the best boyfriend and gives him a really noisy kiss before they head off to another bar. And this is reason #438,384,101 that someone underage and someone overage is just a bad plan.

K: Also because it’s super skeevy. But yeah. 

Chelsea: Not Commercial Break.

Marina. The Double Date From Hell is finally over, and Anna apologizes for making a left-hand turn from the right-hand lane, which goes beyond ditzy into SUUUUUUPPER fucking dangerous (K: Unless you’re in Melbourne and doing a hook turn in which case it’s the law. Only with a right hand turn from the left hand lane…). But Drue is nice to her about it, and when Pacey and Joey say goodbye, Drue tells Anna they can go out again, this time without Drue’s mother being involved. Anna seems really excited about this, which I still just do not understand. Why does she so badly want to go out with someone so atrocious!? Someone explain it to me! She makes a joke about herself being easy, which Drue calls really cute and the two kiss under a lamp. You know what? Fine. Good riddance to both of them, I hope they enjoy their relationship of horribleness.

K: Anna. Girl. You can do so much better than this asshat.

Chelsea: Brooks’ House. Grams and Mr. Brooks and playing Scrabble, which is something my husband and I do all the time, further cementing my opinion that we are basically an elderly married couple. Mr. Brooks tells Grams that he’s glad Dawson stole his boat, so they could meet, and Grams reminds him that they’ve met before. As she’s clearing the table, she notices a giant tin in which Mr. Brooks has been squirreling away his medication for the last few weeks. Mr. Brooks admits that living without dignity isn’t living, and when Grams tells him it’s all in God’s hands he’s basically like fuck that. It’s in my hands, not anyone else’s. So…..in case you missed it, this is Mr. Brooks admitting that he’s slowly committing suicide. To which Grams gives him a sweet kiss, they say goodnight, and the tinkly music is at an all-time high.

K: Oooof. Also, I kind of call bullshit on Grams, dedicated churchgoer, being okay with this. I mean, there’s really nothing she can do about it. But still. 

Chelsea: Literacy Night. Tobey and Jack get to the coffee shop, and Jack sees that by ‘friends’ what Tobey really meant was ‘two other gay men on a date’. When Jack calls him out on it, Tobey confesses that all of this was a contrivance to get Jack to date him. And I mean everything. Tobey started tutoring because he thought it was something he and Jack could do together, and when Jen told him he should get to know Jack as a friend, he saw that as his window.

K: Tobey. Dude. NO. NO NO NO NO NOOOOOOOO. 

Chelsea: Jack then explains that that’s fine, but they’re only going to ever be just friends. Tobey looks like a kicked puppy, and Jack hedges by saying that he really wishes he felt that way about Tobey. Tobey insists that he’s fine, fine, totally and completely fine, the finest of all the fine things in the world. Which – no, you’re not. But Jack leaves Tobey alone to wallow in his sadness, and I don’t even care. Good for Jack.

K: I may have a small dose of feels for Tobey just because he looks so much like a kicked puppy, but NEVER TURN SOMETHING INTO A SURPRISE FIRST DATE. NEEEEEEEEEEEEEVER.

Chelsea: Leery Manor. Gail is asleep in front of the fireplace when Dawson walks in. Dawson tells Gail that she was right and he had a horrible time, and Gail apologizes for trying to shelter Dawson and keep his heart safe, since being willing to take a risk is the only way to ever find love. Which is the exact moment Gretchen knocks on the door (Contrivance Fairy, I see you). Gail throws major mom-shade at Gretchen as she goes upstairs to bed, and Gretchen apologizes to Dawson for bailing on their date in order to hang with her friends. Dawson explains that he doesn’t want to be the “nice guy” who is just there to be a palette cleanser to all of Gretchen’s shitty choices. She reassures his ego, and they make out some.

K: Gross.

Chelsea: Cool Witter House. Lots of forehead kissing as Joey explains the heart-to-heart she had with Drue (I’m starting to wonder if there is some kind of contract clause about the number of forehead kisses these two have to share; but also it’s adorable so whatever). Pacey then says EXACTLY WHAT I’VE BEEN SAYING THIS WHOLE TIME which is that he doesn’t understand why Anna would even care about what Drue thinks.

Joey slut shames her a bunch by saying that she can’t be that great if she slept with someone she just met, and Pacey’s all like “….except consenting adults? And they wanted to? And it’s fine?”. Which gets virginal Joey all kinds of riled up, because she just can’t accept how badly she wants to bang Pacey. She guilt trips Pacey by putting words in his mouth, accusing him of blaming her for the reason they’re not having sex. When, of course, all Pacey is saying is that he was fine with waiting for them to be in love and to know each other well before they had sex. But now they’re in love. And they know each other well. So now it’s time for the sexytimes. So he wants Joey to know that if they’re going to keep not having sex, it’s not because of him. And that he needs to know that Joey loves him. And that he’s scared.

I don’t know. I’m torn about this scene. On the one hand: open and honest conversations about having sex, and sex being scary, and how sex influences a relationship are all great things for teenagers to be having. But also it feels like Pacey is saying that the only way for him to really know that Joey loves him is for them to have sex. And like Joey is saying that having sex will fundamentally alter who she is as a person in the world. And I don’t buy either of those two things. Also – LOOK AT JOSHUA JACKSON. Would have been all over that on the True Love, man.

K: Uh, yeah. Horrible Hawaiian shirts and all.

Chelsea: Brooks’ House. Dawson is there to do….something. Instead, he finds Mr. Brooks passed out on the floor in front of his chair and we FADE TO BLACK.

DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNN.

And there we have it, lovelies – a couple of incredibly awkward double dates, a crash course in contract law, and Drue Monster continuing to be true to his very vile aesthetic.

Oh, and of course the slow build to one of my favorite episodes in the history of 90s teen television – find out why when we recap the next episode.

K: It’s entirely possible that back when Diva and I started recapping DC, I picked whether I recapped odd or even episodes based on two episodes in particular: the SS Pacephine sailing in season 3, and A Winter’s Tale. Because YUP. Definitely one of my favourite episodes of 90s teen TV ever. 

Next time on Dawson’s Creek: Apparently a lot of people’s favorite episode of 90’s teen TV  S04 E14 – A Winter’s Tale.