Eclipse Chapter 23 – Not far from violence.

Previously: Bella used Jacob’s hot bod like a space heater.
—

Catherine: Oh wow. WOW. I guess I got this chapter. The Twilight gods have not smiled kindly on my today, friends. I see how it is.  *sigh*

Marines: If you read that and are thinking, “why do they keep saying this? Why won’t they all accept there are no good chapters?” I can only say we are brave and endlessly hopeful in the face of adversity. 

Annie: Each new chapter is just garbage in book form, each one worse than the last. I mean, it can’t possibly be worse than two boys fighting over her like Bella’s some sex companion to be won while she lays there, unconscious. Right? 

Kirsti: Stephenie Meyer – finding new lows to pass off as romantic since 2005. 

Catherine: So the chapter starts with Bella waking up in the tent where she is being forcibly spooned by Jacob. Apparently, over night she got so warm from him holding her next to his hot body that she’s actually sweating. Some minor camping precautions would also have helped out but fine.

Jacob has his arm around her and she struggles to get free of it since he tightens his hold on her in his sleep. This is sort of a metaphor for their relationship.

Where’s Edward, you ask? Why, creepily watching her sleep of course!

“Edward met my gaze evenly. His expression was calm, but the pain in his eyes was unconcealed.”

That doesn’t really make any sense? Am I doing pain wrong? (K: OBVIOUSLY.)

Bella asks Edward about the weather and he tells her it’s warmer now. She continues to struggle to get away from Jacob who isn’t waking up for some reason? I guess he must smother hold girls in his sleep pretty regularly. Every time she moves he tightens his hold like a boa constrictor. She asks Edward for help and he jokes about taking Jacob’s arms completely off instead of helping.

Finally, he does unzip the sleeping bag and Jacob falls out and onto the cold ground. How stuffed into that sleeping bag were they? Never mind. Don’t answer. I don’t wanna know. The thought of being stuffed into a sleeping bag with a guy who has the body temperature of a flu victim is making me want to pull my skin off.

Jacob flinches at the cold and rolls back onto Bella out of instinct, smushing her. This causes Edward to predictably lose his shit and fling Jacob into a tent pole.

Mari: Bullshit on that tent still being upright after a vampire flings at werewolf at it.

K: YUP. Especially considering it collapses when, like, a mouse wheezes on it in about 10 pages time. 

Catherine: Then they start growling at each other and I’m so exhausted with this, guys.

Edward and Jacob have a growl fight over which of them gets to piss on Bella first until she steps in between them to get them to make nice. She demands that Edward apologize and Edward reluctantly does while calling Jacob ‘dog’ again which is supposed to be a werewolf thing but just comes off as a racist thing. Every time.

Annie: We see you, Meyer, and we see your racism.

Catherine: Jacob sulks and tells them he’s going back to sleep. Surprisingly he says that he had a terrible night’s sleep even though he got to rub his teenage boner all over Bella for 8 hours. But he clarifies that he had a good night, just no sleep because Bella wouldn’t stop talking.

How much goddamn sleep talking does this girl do? Don’t people only sleep talk during certain stages of sleep? I’m genuinely asking. Does she just keep up constant chatter like a late night radio DJ?

Mari: A+ and head canon accepted. This is probably why Edward is like, “I just love “watching” you sleep!” He’s gotta be up anyway. Might as well listen to talk radio.

K: Anything’s entertaining when you’ve been through high school 25 times…

Catherine: At this point he’s just marking time until the heat death of the universe. 

Of course, Bella freaks out about what she might have said. While she is doing this, Jake and Edward flirt some more—oh, no, sorry, I meant ‘argue’.

Edward said that he had a bad night, but it wasn’t the worst of his life. Insert something about his pre-sparkle brood in New Moon here, I guess. (M: I hope some of those nights he mass-murdered people are on this list.) Jacob asks if it made the top ten and Edward says that it might have but if he had spent the night spooning Bella instead it wouldn’t have even made the top ten of the BEST nights in his life.

I mean, I get what he was trying to say but it comes off like he’s saying he’s sorta whatever about spending the night with Bella now. Which is lol.

Mari: It comes off that way because we know he’s a total bullshitter and that he and Bella don’t get past closed-mouth kissing and brood-hugging and it sounds like he’s bragging about doing more. Maybe this night wouldn’t make the top 10, but 10 identical nights in which they just spoon with Bella mostly unconscious are probably on that list. 

K: The only difference would be that she’d probably die of frostbite during on this night on account of sleeping next to a lump of ice cold marble in an unheated tent. 

Catherine: Bella continues to stand there like she’s the one that’s a tent pole as Jacob gets pissed and decides to leave. He goes for the door and:

“Pain crackled down my spine and lodged in my stomach as I abruptly realized that this could be the last time I would see him.”

What a fucking weird way of putting that.

Bella stops him to tell him to be careful and he mutters that she needs to give it a rest as he leaves.

Bella asks Edward how much longer until the baby vamps get there and he tells her it should be an hour or so. Remember, wolfy Seth is still outside the tent and he is keyed into the wolf mind and communicating with Sam who is communicating with Alice. I know it’s stupidly convoluted. I’m just reporting the facts.

Edward comments that he is sad that he’s missing all of the ‘fun’ of the fight and Bella gets peeved. He asks if she wants him to distract her and runs his fingers down her cheek. This makes her shudder because his hand is cold. The boyfriend always being freezing cold thing is so unappealing. I just… why did Meyer think that was sexy?

Mari: One day she stumbled across some ice cube porn? I’m trying.

K: On Sunday, I went to see Rainbow Rowell and David Levithan speak at the Melbourne Writers Festival. Rainbow had discovered that in Australia, a popsicle is called an icy pole, then later in the session she basically used icy pole as a euphemism for vampire dick and I nearly died. Except now that we’re back to recapping Eclipse, I CAN’T UNJOIN THOSE TWO CONCEPTS IN MY BRAIN AND EVERYTHING IS HORRIBLE. 

Catherine: That is amazing. That should make this book better for you, if anything.

Bella asks Edward to finish the story about what his best nights were and he tells her to guess.

Oh god. Please. PLEASE NO. I can’t read them have a fluffy moment over their mutual gross, breathy teenage love. I cannnn’tttt.

I guess I have to.

What choices led me here?

Mari: I would say it would primarily be friendship with me, but you DID love this series when you were younger so… 

Catherine: I deserve this. I brought this torture on myself.

Edward tells her that all of his best nights have been since he met her. That is a bold faced lie. He was alive when pudding cups were invented. AND ICE CREAM SANDWICHES. Why does he have to lie like this?

They blah, blah a bit about their best nights and their eternal love and romance and garbage like that. At one point they say that one of the fav nights was the first night that Edward creepily watched Bella sleep and he says:

“Yes, that was one of mine, too. Of course, you were unconscious for my favorite part.”

Mari: WHAT. THE. EFF. That is the creepiest thing ever for a male to tell a female. Who in their right mind…? Even if we know what Edward means (which, he’s referring to something creepy anyway) this is not an okay statement. THIS IS NOT THE THING YOUR MALE LEAD SHOULD BE SAYING DURING A BIG ROMANTIC SCENE DURING THE CLIMAX OF YOUR BOOK. 

Annie: HOLY FUCK, ESPECIALLY NOT A BOOK WHOSE TARGET AUDIENCE IS TEENS AND YOUNG ADULTS. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TEACHING THEM ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS, BOUNDARIES AND CONSENT?!?

K: SERIOUSLY. EVERYTHING ABOUT THAT LINE SCREAMS RAPE AND NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NOOOOO.

Catherine: Apparently he means when she was sleep talking and she said ‘stay with me, Edward’ or whatever— Wait. Hang on. Are they talking about the first night that he sneaked into her room and watched her sleep without her knowing about it?

ARE THEY? IS THAT WHAT’S HAPPENING HERE? OH MY GOD.

Ewwwwww if so. That’s not even the worst thing in this chapter. I need booze.

Anyway, this reminds Bella that she said something else in her sleep last night with Jacob and she asks what it was. Edward winces and tells her that she said, “Jacob. My Jacob.” Oh snap.

Bella kisses him and tells him that she’s sorry. For, ya know, saying something in her sleep when she was unconscious and totally unable to control her actions. Although, now that we know that Bella can listen to entire conversations in her sleep maybe she was in control of her actions? (M: ~*magic*~)

She tells him that ‘My Jacob’ is how she differentiates between the ‘Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde’. Which is to say, the Jacob that she likes and the one who annoys the hell out of her.

Wow. Just. Stop being friends with him? Maybe?

Apparently Jacob got excited (hopefully not sexually but probably yes) when she called him ‘My Jacob’ in her sleep not realizing that it was actually kind of an insult. Good to know that both of the weird men in Bella’s life take her sleep talking as consent.

Edward is placated by this and asks her to tell him more of her favorite nights. She tells him that one of them was the night in Italy when she was reunited with him and almost died several times. Even he is surprised to hear this, because he was under the impression she thought that he didn’t love her anymore at that point and was just acting out of guilt. She says that she did think that at the time but:

“But, still, you were there.”

Mari: When Edward was like, “I’m surprised!” I was impressed because I was too, Edward! Of course, his reasons for surprise were so unlike mine. I was surprised that on a night where she almost died and was witness to a large group of humans being led away for mass murder, and then had to listen to them being murdered, she was like TOP 10 OF MY LIFE! I don’t care how there Edward was, girl. I think this makes you a wee bit sociopathic.

K: Careful, Bella. The Criminal Minds team has you on some kind of watch list now.

Catherine: They talk more about their favorite nights but I’m skipping it because I can’t read this anymore and remain alive.

At the end, Edward says that his favorite night of all time (excluding VE Day, I guess. Edward, you asshole) was two nights ago when Bella agreed to marry him. Of course, Bella frowns at this, because she’s very much marrying him against her will.

She tells him that it was a good night for her (blue balls aside) but he already knew she was his forever so she doesn’t understand why he needed that reassurance. He tells her that he will explain it to her 100 years from now when she’s gained his perspective.

K: Condescending asshat.

Catherine: Daddy!Edward knows best. 

Suddenly they are interrupted by a wolf howl outside. It’s a howl of pain. At this point I thought that maybe the battle had already started and we were listening to this boring ass nonsense while vampires and werewolves are fighting to the death nearby.

But no. No it’s actually worse, somehow. I’m gonna transcribe the entire passage so you can get a real good look at how much Meyer builds this up:

“The howl tore through my mind like a tornado, both strange and familiar. Strange because I’d never heard such a tortured cry before. Familiar because I know the voice at once—I recognized the sound and understood the meaning as perfectly as if I’d uttered it myself. It made no difference that Jacob was not human when he cried out. I needed no translation. Jacob was close. Jacob had heard every word we’d said. Jacob was in agony. The howl choked off into a peculiar gurgled sob, and then it was quiet again. I did not hear his silent escape, but I could feel it—could feel the absence I had wrongly assumed before, the empty space he left behind.

“Because your space heater has reached his limit,” Edward answered quietly.

“Truce over,” he added, so low I couldn’t be sure that was really what he’d said.”

What the fuck?! What?? What is this???

I’m actually so mad that I’m gonna do a list of why I currently hate everyone involved with this:

1. Jacob – I guess Jacob was reacting to finding out that they are getting married? But he already knew that Edward is gonna turn Bella, he’s been freaking out about it since the end of the last book. So… did he assume that they were just gonna keep it casually immortal? I guess Bella kinda did. But WHY is he so surprised by this? What IS this over dramatic reaction. MY GOD, MEYER. DID PANCHO EAT OUT YOUR SUBLTELY TOO? (M: Dead.) (A: Deader.) (K: My laptop screen is now covered in hot chocolate. THANKS, CATHERINE.)
2. Edward – DICK move. Holy shit. He purposefully manipulated Bella to hurt Jacob there. Wow. Every time you think he can’t get more abusive and awful, amiright? You know that she loves him, too. STOP pulling this shit. You are 100 goddamn years old. Mature at some point.
3. Bella – Who reacts to this by blaming herself and not Edward? Of course.
4. Myself – For sinning to the point that I am clearly being punished.

Honestly, the boring stuff in this books is bad enough. But the RAGE making stuff is so, so much worse.

Mari: Edward was actually 0% interested in reliving their most romantic moments and 100% interested in setting up Bella to crush Jacob’s hopes. Wow. 

Annie: Edward was playing a super long game there. And not only is he hurting Jacob on purpose, he’s also hurting Bella, the person he swears he loves, because although Jacob and Bella has a screwy, weird and gross relationship, she does care about him. So Jacob’s upset and pain would cause Bella distress, but Edward gives zero fucks about that. Edward is 1000% worse than originally suspected. Cool.

K: All I have to add to this is that I currently have a post-it stuck to the page that reads “Edward, you manipulative fuck weasel.” I’m half-tempted to leave it there when I return this abomination to work…

Catherine: Do it! Save lives.

Like I said, Bella reacts to this by 100% blaming herself. Edward even asks if she’s mad at him and she says, “Not you. I’m horrified at me.” She stands up, has this full blown rage meltdown, which I think is justified, but has it at HERSELF. Which is fucking stupid. Get mad at Edward, Bella. HE was the one that just manipulated you into hurting your best friend? For once, this wasn’t really your fucking fault.

Annie: This is textbook abusive relationship stuff. Bella is feeling guilty and apologetic and taking responsibility for the shitty, awful, abusive things Edward is doing to her. He’s making her feel responsible for the results of his manipulations. No. FUCK THIS.

K: I’m getting closer and closer to setting fire to this book and just being like “SORRY STUDENTS. IT HAD AN ACCIDENT AND IS NOW OUT OF PRINT. OH WELL.”

Catherine: She says that she’s hurting Jacob every time she turns around and that she’s a hideous person. Ugh. Can’t believe she’s saying this the one time it doesn’t even apply.

Edward hugs her and says that she’s not hideous. Bella decides she has to go find Jacob to apologize for living her life and not wanting to fuck him again and marches out into the snow. Of course, Edward steps out into the sun with her and the sunlight reflects off of his skin in “glittering rainbows that danced ahead of me.”

Edward grabs her wrist and ‘ignores it’ when she tries to yank free. We still adding to the list of ways this is an abusive relationship or nah? (M: I’m so tired.) (A: My spirit is broken.) (K: The list is currently longer than this goddamned book.)

He tells her she can’t go after Jake and finally FINALLY apologizes (earlier he asked if she was mad at him, but never actually apologized) not that it fucking helps or means anything. Bella still tells him that it’s her fault and she didn’t do anything and she starts sobbing. So Edward, Mr. I’m-so-sorry-I-left-I-want-to-always-protect-you, has now maliciously done something that has caused her to cry.

Edward offers to find Jake for her but there’s “hushed agony” in his voice. “Hushed agony” sounds like a Lifetime movie about marrying your stepson’s cyberhusband. (M: Tell us which washed up celebrities would star in it in the comments.)

Edward warps away and Bella is left alone wondering why she has to hurt everyone today and why everything she touches gets spoiled.

I just… I can’t anymore with this. I can’t.

She wonders about why she’s so terrible for hurting these boy’s boy feelings and compares herself to Cathy from Wuthering Heights.

BTW, I have recently reread Wuthering Heights and let me tell you, Bella is Cathy. Because Cathy was an industrial-sized douche. She says that her options are better than Cathy’s at least because neither Jake nor Edward are evil or weak like Heathcliff or Edgar.

Okay, girl. Whatever you say.

“And here I sat, crying about it, not doing anything productive to make it right. Just like Cathy.”

JFC. We GET IT, Meyer. You’ve read Wuthering Heights. Fucking hell.

K: I…kind of want to take that star back, because she’s constantly comparing Edward to Heathcliff, which would make Jacob the Edgar Linton equivalent. Except that Cathy marries Edgar and not Heathcliff, so I’m back to being confused about WHY SHE MAKES ALL THESE COMPARISONS TO WUTHERING HEIGHTS. Unless she’s trolling us on account of Heathcliff is an abusive douchecanoe who dies hated by everyone around him…

Catherine: Yeah, there’s a good chance she only skimmed the Spark Notes. Or she just really misunderstood the book and also how to do comparisons.

Bella realizes that she doesn’t want Edward to see her shed anymore tears for Jacob and that it would be best for everyone if she told Jacob to go away and never come back.

Please remember that this is all happening IN THE MIDDLE OF A VAMPIRE FIGHT that is happening (or about to start) a few miles away. Bella is having this boy crisis while real people are about to start dying by the truckload down in the clearing. She literally isn’t thinking about that at all. And telling Jake to leave now? I mean… I thought you needed him for the fight, though? Maybe save this conversation for when you aren’t all in dire peril?

Mari: It almost seems like the author doesn’t even believe the dire peril she’s been building up FOR HUNDREDS OF PAGES. Huh. 

Catherine: It’s all coming to a head! But let’s not deal with that at all.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch: Bella is interrupted from her frenzy by Seth, who is still in wolf form, remember, suddenly standing up and whining. Of course, she can’t understand him and Bella realizes that she shouldn’t have sent Edward away to deal with her dramz, since he was supposed to be there to communicate with Seth.

She finally remembers that there is a life or death fight going on and wonders if it’s possible that Edward and Jacob are now caught in it. Then she wonders if Edward did find Jacob and they are the ones fighting each other and that she might lose them both.

Seth suddenly stops whining and goes back to lying down.

“It calmed me, but irritated me. Couldn’t he scratch a message in the dirt or something?”

Uh, no? DOES Meyer understand how dogs work? Seriously?

Bella paces some more until Jacob and Edward return. Seth goes over to Edward and tells him something that we, once again, aren’t privy too about the fight.

Jacob stands away from Bella with his back to her, like this is a soap opera. Edward comes over to Bella and since he shows nothing but concern she thinks:

“There was no end to his generosity. I deserved him now less than I ever had.”

Okay but remember when HE WAS THE ONE THAT CAUSED ALL THIS? Five minutes ago? No?

K: She clearly has the memory capacity of a floppy disc.

Catherine: She needs to start writing notes to herself.

Edward tells her that there was a complication with the very tense vampire fight that’s happening offscreen and that he is going to go a little ways out with Seth to give her and Jake some privacy. He also seems to think that she has yet to make a decision about who she is choosing between Edward and Jacob. I literally don’t know what she could do to make it anymore obvious that she is hideously addicted to Edward’s popsicle D but okay. (K: She wants the icy pole.) (C:So bad)

Edward and Seth leave and Bella is alone with Jacob who is in a sour mood because, again, he does not love Bella enough to care about her actual feelings and somehow still thought there was a chance that she would ‘pick’ him. Like this is a fucking farmer’s market.

Of course, Bella responds that she’s sorry and she’s a terrible person and blah, blah. This is so upsetting and offensive that I can’t even be upset or offended anymore. Bella says that she will stay away from him forever and Jake gets mad and asks if he ‘gets any say’ in say in this. Like she’s steamrolling over him or something. Dear god. Save me.

Mari: Wow, JACOB. Isn’t it terrible when you HAVE NO SAY in things like, I don’t know, say if someone SMASHED THEIR MOUTH AGAINST YOURS WITH NO SAY. That would be awful, huh?

Catherine: WOW. That would suck. What a good learning experience for him.

Then Jacob suddenly gets a ‘frenzied gleam in his eye’ and says that he’s going to redeem himself by taking himself out of the picture. She asks what he’s talking about and he says that there’s a pretty serious fight going on down there (that we could be reading about instead of this fucking nonsense) and that he could just go fight and let himself be killed.

Oh good. I was worried that after New Moon we were done with the characters in this novel for teens using suicide as a backup plan whenever someone doesn’t want to date them but no. We’re not done. Now it’s happening again.

I’m gonna rant about this in a second but honestly, it gets even worse, let me finish the chapter first.

K: For now, I’m just going to let you all know that my page post-it just reads “JACOB. WHAT THE FUCK.”

Catherine: Don’t just burn your copy, Kirsti. Fling it into the sun.

Bella obviously freaks out over this threat. She doesn’t want Jake to kill himself (at this point, not sure why, but okay) and he keeps pushing about how it would be better for everyone and she won’t even have to move. Convenience being the real key here, I guess.

She tells him she won’t let him and he taunts her, asking how she’s gonna stop him. She begs him to stay, and he asks why he would do that if she’s just gonna leave him after the fight is over. Bella says that they’ll work something out and he taunts her further.

He says she’s lying and she says she isn’t and tells him to look in her eyes. Then, as a condition (for not committing suicide, remember) Jacob says:

“And I can be your best man at the wedding?”

Which, among all of the rage inducing shit in this chapter, is so weird. That’s a weird condition. He went right to it, also. The ‘and’ isn’t in relation to anything else. He had no demands before that. I guess he just really likes wearing tuxes and giving speeches? Is that what this whole thing is about? Bella can only say ‘please’ and he says ‘that’s what I thought’. I reread this like 8 times to try and force it to make sense but nope.

Mari: I read it totally differently, but now I can’t really understand what’s going on here. At first, I thought Bella was saying, “don’t commit suicide please, we’ll make it work” and Jacob responds with something like “oh so I can come back and be the best man at your wedding?” in a no thank you please kind of way. But your is emphasized? And he starts the sentence with “and”? 

Annie: I read that three times, and I was still confused. Did Jacob confuse ‘best man’ with ‘groom’?

K: Seriously. Nothing about it makes sense.

Catherine: It’s really, really weird and out of place. 

Jake tells her he loves her and she says she loves him too and then he says, “I know that better than you do.”

He starts to walk away and Bella again begs him to stay and offers him anything he wants. He says there is something he wants and if she gave it to him than maybe he could consider ‘leaving it up to fate’ and possibly not actively courting death.

I know what you’re thinking. He’s her friend! He won’t take sexual advantage of her by threatening suicide. But no. That’s where you’re wrong, friends. But you’re sweet for still having hope this far in the book.

Basically, without going into it too much because if I do, my head will explode and you will all be charged for murder, Jacob backs Bella into an emotional corner where she has to beg him to kiss her so that he won’t go and kill himself.

Gonna leave this open for comments. I know ya’ll have comments:

Mari: Catherine literally left blank space here for us in the post and all I got is:

Annie: I just. I don’t. I…. FUCK THESE BOYS AND THEIR MANIPULATING BULLSHIT. And fuck Meyer for thinking ANY of this is something that should be romanticized, normalized or idealized. I just can’t even with this. And I hate that phrase, but I hate this more.

K: I hate everything right now. EVERYTHING.

Catherine: Maybe this is just my interpretation but it’s pretty obvious, from the way he’s taunting her and his eyes are ‘gleaming’ that he knew she would offer to kiss him in order to save him and he’s just emotionally manipulating her to get his rocks off. That’s what’s happening here. This is what this is. I’m so mad I’m in that place–ya know that place where you’re beyond mad and you get scary calm? I’m there.

And yeah, I have read this book before so I knew this was coming. This is part of the reason I knew to hate Jacob even back when we were recapping New Moon. I knew this motherfucker was headed here. But it’s somehow WORSE than I remember? I guess ’cause now I can see what an incredibly toxic emotional manipulation this is.

Jacob is a douche if a douche gave birth to a shit that barfed.

Anyway, Jacob manipu-kisses Bella. Or, let’s call a spade a spade, takes advantage of her.

Meyer tries to write it all sexy and romantic but she can suck a dick, basically.

Bella stays frozen during the kiss (HOT. Not at all like she’s being assaulted and doesn’t want it. Enjoy your book, teens!) and says:

“I knew he would take advantage of the situation. I expected it. I held very still– my eyes closed, my fingers curled into fists at my sides—as his hands caught my face and his lips found mine with an eagerness that was not far from violence.”

Just gonna leave this open for comments again:

Mari: AN EAGERNESS NOT FAR FROM VIOLENCE. Huh, wow, maybe because manipulation is not consent and non-consent IS SEXUAL VIOLENCE. 

Listen, world, everyone in it: NEVER ever talk to me again about how Twilight got you into reading so it has some merit. I DON’T CARE. 

I 

DO 

NOT

CARE. 

I don’t care if Twilight birthed you and took care of you. I don’t care. There is absolutely NO excuse for this story and you should NOT be proud of defending a series that promotes sexual violence by painting it as sexy or romantic. I’m glad you started reading, but for the love of all that is good in this world, I hope you immediately found stories with literary and social merit.

Jesus Christ.

Annie: AN EAGERNESS NOT FAR FROM VIOLENCE?!? How the fuck do people defend this bullshit? I’d completely blocked all this shit out of my memory, and with good reason, but come on. I’m with Mari. Don’t try to defend this series. Don’t tell me how you don’t care it’s problematic, because you think the story is good, don’t give me any of your excuses. I don’t want to hear them, I do not need to hear them. 

K: I actually kind of now want to turn my reading classes for the rest of term into “Okay, children, here’s why Twilight is insanely problematic and not at all romantic and how you should all run the other way if you ever end up in a relationship like this.” 

Catherine: This is far and away the maddest I’ve ever been reading this book. And there has already been some REALLY terrible shit in this book, guys.

Jacob gets ‘angry’ as he discover’s Bella’s ‘passive resistance’ and pulls her close and yeah, I’m upgrading this to an assault. Your friend is now sexually assaulting you, Bella. I’m not even going any farther into this part. Fuck it. I don’t want to trigger anyone and I genuinely think I might here. Suffice it to say that Jacob gets even more pushy, creepy, and scary and even angrier when she won’t kiss him back because of how she DOESN’T WANT TO and everything.

He feels that she’s not reciprocating like he wants and asks again if she wants him to die. This should be a fucking police report.

He tells her to ‘let herself feel what she feels’. I’ll tell you what I’m feeling, Jacob.

Annie: Funny, that’s how I’m feeling, too.

K: I’d go further than that:

Catherine: Bella starts trying to cause him pain by ripping at his hair but he’s basically invincible so he thinks that she’s just getting into it. This is the most disgusting thing that I have reviewed in these books yet. No joke.

Of course, then Bella starts actually getting into it, so fans of this garbage relationship can have something to point to when they justify why they are into it. Let’s forget about the fact that he is infinitely stronger than her and is assaulting her, no no, she’s confused and sort of into it now. So it’s fine.

Mari: “Because women who aren’t into it are actually just women who don’t know they are into it yet.” — Stephenie Meyer.

Annie: “No means keep pushing, and when that doesn’t work, threaten suicide until you get a yes!” – Stephenie Meyer.

K: “Sleep talking totally counts as consent and being treated like a child is sexy!” – Stephenie Meyer.

Catherine: “Yeah my soul cries at night and makes a hollow sound when you knock on it but I’m rich now!” – Stephenie Meyer.

Bella begins to feel guilty and ask herself why she’s not stopping this. And of course, the answer is because she must actually secretly have wanted to kiss Jacob and not because she actually physically can’t stop him and she was just trying desperately 30 seconds before.

I’m really, really sorry that this is happening to Bella. And I hate Bella.

Bella starts wondering if she really is in love with Jacob and what their life would be like together. She thinks about how she could probably have children with him. I wouldn’t trust him with a fucking goldfish after this but okay.

After 4 PAGES of kissing, Jacob finally releases her and steps away. He says he has to go and Bella, poor Bella says no. This ‘pleases’ Jacob, since he’s a violent psychopath and now thinks that her reciprocation when he was assaulting her means that she finally realized that she loves him.

“He bent to kiss me again, and there was no reason to resist. What would be the point?”

Jacob says that that should have been their first kiss and hugs her and:

“Against his chest, where he couldn’t see, the tears welled up and spilled over.”

You guys. I’m so speechless here I can’t even rant. If you don’t realize what’s wrong with what Jacob did to Bella here, I can’t fucking help you. But I know you all do. Meyer wrote this scene, this scene that is literally just abuse apology and improperly handled, dressed up sexual assault in her book for TEEN GIRLS. Teen girls read this and thought it was romantic because they didn’t know any better.

I’m so mad at this point I sort of want to sue her? For fucking up an entire generation. Can we do that?

Whatever. I have to go now. I have to punch a building or the sun or something.

 

Next time on Eclipse: I guess it’s finally time to talk about why we’re really in the forest in chapter 24.