Previously: Heads exploded, lives were ruined, but OMG THAT KISS THOUGH.
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Wake Up Grassroots: The Nine Virtues of Participatory Democracy, and How We Can Keep America Great by Encouraging an Informed Electorate
Dani: We begin with the best previously song yet:
Marines: This song is basically doing our job for us.
Dani: (Shhhh…)
The action starts in an apartment building where a woman named Jules (Natalie Gold) meets her next-door neighbor, Noah (Michael Esper), for the first time. They flirt a little before going into their respective apartments, but the meteor bugs show up that night and ruin everything. The next morning, Jules believes Hillary is coming for our guns, while Noah thinks Trump is insane.
Later, Jules and Noah are stopped beside each other at the same red light. Jules is listening to a Rush Limbaugh sort talk about how much liberals hate America, while Noah smiles as an Ira Glass-ish dude nostalgically talks about healthcare… and lollipops! Noah asks Jules to turn down her radio, but she turns it up instead. So he calmly backs up and then rams the crap out of Jules’s car.
Jules responds in kind, and they continue this demolition derby until their vehicles are in pieces.
MEANWHILE. Laurel and Anthony Onofrio (Agent Sexyback) are sitting at a bar, being adorable. Then Gareth comes in with the anchor from Not-FOX-News (Megan Hilty), who looks like a cross between Gretchen Carlson and Megan Kelly. Gareth gets a little judgey when he spots Laurel, and Gretchen Kelly mocks him for slumming with the Healys. Gareth thinks he recognizes Onofrio, but Gretchen Kelly would prefer he pay attention to her.
You tell him, girl.
Gareth tells Gretchen Kelly about the One Wayers (the grassroots group Red told him to create last week). She suspects him of astroturfing them (which he totally is), but Gareth plays dumb, claiming they’ve been getting calls about them all week. He thinks she should research the group, being a reporter and all.
Laurel goes to the bar for another round, and Gareth follows. (M: Stealthy.) He wants to warn Laurel about Anthony, but since he prefaces it by mentioning their previous encounter it comes off more like jealousy.
Laurel: So my date is like an Eastern European woman who sleeps around?
Gareth: No, your date is like a mercenary who sells himself to the lowest bidder.
Ouch. Laurel is annoyed, so she returns to her table and Anthony. Then Gustav busts into the bar, gesturing wildly for Laurel to join him outside because he has some meteor bugs.
Mari: Laurel doesn’t have the best of luck on dates, so far. I would stop going to the same bar and maybe go to fewer events with tax in the name.
Dani: Snark Squad advice saves lives AND a character’s chance at romance.
At the hospital, Rochelle is less than impressed with the turn her life has taken as she administers the cat CAT scan. (M: First a chocolate lab and now a cat CAT scan. Someone in the writer’s room likes their animal puns.) They discover that Zeke is missing half his brain, but knowing felines he probably wasn’t using it, anyway. (M: Daaaayum. Be cool, cat lovers.) (D: I have two cats, and I seriously doubt they have even half a brain between them.) Zeke’s eardrum has been punctured, and Gustav realizes this will help them determine who’s infected: people with hearing loss in one ear. They’ll also be off-balance, because the fluid in the inner ear is missing.
Cut to Ella walking down the hall and crashing into a wall.
Mari: Have we seen any evidence of this off balance thing before? It just kind of feels like they are hamming it up and I either never noticed before or it never existed…?
Dani: No, this is definitely the first time we’ve seen people acting like pinballs. Pretty sure it’s the last time, too.
Ella and Luke meet with some mega important donor dude, who’s losing a ton of money because of the budget shutdown. Luke points out that the Republicans want them to slash three major departments of government, but Daddy Warbucks don’t care. He’s raised millions for the party and expects some action in return. Ella basically tells the guy to take his money and shove it, but Luke agrees to cut the National Endowment for the Arts. Ella is disgusted, and even Luke looks remorseful.
We hear a Melanesian choir singing and cut to a shirtless Gareth, who’s watching the video Laurel made to crowd-fund her documentary on FundKitty (lolol). Gareth watches with a little half-smile that seems… I dunno… wistful? He clicks on the donate button just as Gretchen Kelly saunters out of his bedroom, wearing nothing but a sheet and demanding his return. Gareth takes another pensive glance at the video, where Laurel earnestly pleas for donations, then closes his laptop and whores himself out returns to bed.
Mari: Preferably with your shirt off.
(I’m sorry. I’m weak.)
Dani: Down, girl.
On the cable news set the next day, Gretchen Kelly and her giant breasts are interviewing Red. She asks him about The One Wayers, and Gareth winks at her from backstage as Red rhapsodizes over the ideology of this completely made-up grassroots organization. Blech.
Back in the offices of Senator Healy, Laurel’s next constituent is Noah, the liberal who should learn to use his words, rather than his car, to make his point.
Noah wants to know why America can’t be more like Finland and Denmark. (Answer: because then we’d all sound like the Swedish Chef, and no one would get any work done.) Noah is pissed about the NEA being on the chopping block, and he wants Laurel to share his anger. He thinks Democrats should retaliate, violently if necessary (“they kill a hostage, we kill a hostage”), and start a revolution. He gets pretty unhinged and is quasi-threatening towards Laurel. She makes him leave, noting his obvious balance problems as he walks away.
Mari: Unbalanced is generally a good word for that dude.
Dani: Laurel tells Luke about the incident, and he’s an adorably overprotective big brother. He tells Scarlett to call the Capitol police and the FBI, but Laurel insists she’s fine. So Luke goes to a meeting with Red, Ella, and Mr. Big Money Donor to see if they can get the government reopened, but first he asks Laurel to talk to Gareth and see where they’re really headed.
The senators argue behind closed doors while Laurel and Gareth wait outside. Gareth says it doesn’t sound like it’s going well, but Laurel points to the TV, where Gretchen Kelly and her magnificent boobs fill the screen.
Laurel: Hey, look. Your girlfriend’s on TV.
Gareth: She’s not my—
Laurel: She looks pouty today. Did you upset her, Gare?
Gareth: So how longhave you known your FBI friend?
Laurel: What happened to her usual bedroom eyes? She looks like she’s been crying.
Gareth: Yeah. It’s probably because the Democrats are bankrupting our nation.
Inside the office, Ella throws stuff in frustration, and Red blames the Democrats for being unreasonable. He marches out to get the emails they’ve supposedly received from The One Wayers, and Laurel notices him bump into the doorway on his way back to his office. Gareth sees her expression and wants to know what’s up. She asks whether he’s noticed that Red leans to the right when he walks.
Gareth: What?
Laurel: He leans toward the right.
Gareth: Oh, is this like a Democratic taunt that I don’t understand?
Laurel: Does he have trouble hearing in one ear? Is he… is he deaf in one ear?
Before Gareth can respond, Laurel gets distracted by the TV, because some dude from the CDC is talking about the C.H.I. (Catastrophic Head Injury) outbreak. The CDC has decided to recall three experimental blood pressure medications, which sends Laurel to meet with Rochelle and Gustav. Gustav thinks the CDC is just covering their asses, and Rochelle admits that her father didn’t have high blood pressure. But she has a friend from med school who works for the CDC, so she’ll have lunch with him and see what’s up. Gustav wants to come, and while he and Rochelle are arguing over his inability to not sound crazy, Laurel’s laptop pings.
Turns out her film project just received a new donation (although the Alert misspelled “received,” so I’m guessing FundKitty isn’t quite up to KickStarter standards). The donor was anonymous, except not really because they donated $750 and TEN CENTS. Aww, Gareth … you marshmallow.
Mari: But also the 10 cents was about being a bargain-priced prostitute so what’s the message here, exactly?
Dani: Mixed?
Cut to Gareth’s office, where he’s meeting with a group of citizens who will hopefully run The One Wayers (actual members — good thinking!). Chief amongst the angry constituents is Jules, the demolition derby winner. Jules is demanding we “take back” our country when Laurel shows up.
Gareth thinks she’s there because the negotiations between Red, Luke, and Ella fell apart earlier, so he starts defending himself and swearing he had nothing to do with it. But Laurel just keeps smiling at him, so he asks what’s wrong.
Laurel isn’t sure whether she can trust Gareth, and since he’d lose his job for sharing this info he leaves without trying to persuade her. She calls Luke, who also questions the intel. He can’t imagine why Gareth would undercut his own boss by sharing this, unless Laurel’s sleeping with him. Ehhhhhh.
Laurel hangs up and starts walking home, but she runs into Noah the Crazy Liberal, who was apparently following her. Noah is super upset about Luke’s willingness to dump the National Endowment for the Arts, and he thinks a great way to demonstrate the value of funding the arts is by waving around a ginormous knife from The Splendid Table pledge drive. Whoa, dude. I like public radio, too, but you don’t see me turning my NPR totebag into a noose!
Noah seems oblivious to how scary it is for a lone woman to be confronted by a man wielding a knife in a dark courtyard. While he’s raving about Ken Burns and Big Bird, Laurel pulls out her cell phone and readies her Rape Button app.
Masterpiece Theater! This Old House! NOVA! Antiques Roadshow! Charlie Rose! Tavis Smiley!
It’s like he’s suffering from some weird, Liberal version of Tourette’s.
Mari: He made public radio really creepy and threatening. I didn’t like it.
Dani: The next day, Luke and Senator Amarant (the Republican leader) are walking through a park. Amarant’s scared to be spotted with a Democrat in public, and Luke says likewise, I’m sure. But they agree that the extremists within each party are like out-of-control children who’d rather break all their toys than let anyone else play with them. The shutdown has to end. Amarant has 31 moderates, but they won’t vote with Luke because the The One Wayers are making their lives hell.
Luke suggests sequestration, agreeing to 10% cuts in departments affecting both parties if a budget agreement can’t be reached within six months. Amarant thinks he can get his 31 moderates to agree, but they know both Red and Ella will fuck it up if it comes to a vote. Luke promises to distract Red and Ella long enough for the deal to be made.
Back in Senator Healy’s offices, Gustav is waiting to see Laurel, along with Rochelle and her friend from the CDC. They show the scans to Dr. Dexter Wu (Marcus Ho), with Rochelle doing her best to keep Gustav silent.
Dr. Wu agrees something is odd, but he defends the CDC’s recall of the BP meds. Gustav knows the medications are safe because he took all three of them 14 hours ago, and his head didn’t explode. Oh, Gustav.
Mari: I don’t want Gustav to die, but I think it would be funny and fitting if he died in a way that had nothing to do with the space bugs.
Dani: Snark Ladies do love irony.
Dr. Wu says he’s on their side — he also thinks the CDC has gone CYA — but he needs more proof. Gustav tells him he thinks they’re dealing with screwworms, and Dr. Wu is surprised, because he did his thesis on screwworm eradication (before graduating from Contrivance University, amiright?)
Dr. Wu: you really think they’re back?
Gustav: I think there are bugs eating through human eardrums, embedding themselves in brains, and either changing people’s personalities or making their heads explode.
Rochelle cringes, but Dr. Wu says he loves this stuff. He and Gustav go all fanboy over the bugs, talking about how screwworms usually target livestock, and how global warming is changing the equation. Dr. Wu agrees to show his boss the scans, even though he knows he’ll dismiss them. His boss will need to examine a human who’s infected, so Laurel and Rochelle go see Abby.
Abby invites them in, turns off Not-FOX-News, and proceeds to tell Rochelle that ALL lives matter, not just black lives.
Bitch, I don’t care how many bugs have eaten your brain… you did NOT just say that! Rochelle, amazingly, doesn’t slap the smug, white-privilege-doesn’t-exist smile from Abby’s face and instead summons some seriously zen-level calm and just says, “ooookay.”
Mari: Honestly, she just keeps winning me over. I usually don’t give brownie points for non-violence, but this is real close to earning them.
Dani: Laurel quickly explains that they’re tracking a new infection in the D.C. area (it’s like Lyme Disease!). They’re worried Abby might have contracted it, so they want her to come in for a scan. Abby flat-out refuses and kicks them out, but Laurel thinks there might be another way.
Cut to Gareth reading an FBI file on Foreign Asset Interrogations that has a small photo of Anthony (Special Agent Boo) clipped to it. Uh oh. Gareth pops the folder in an envelope and leaves his office with it.
Downstairs, Rochelle and Laurel show Anthony the scans, because the FBI was just given “264 Powers,” meaning they can help the CDC investigate by taking people into custody for observation.
Mari: I really don’t know what part of Abby’s behavior made it seem likely to Laurel that Abby would come with them or that involving Special Agent Hot Lips would be the way.
Dani: Anthony seems reluctant, and Laurel is trying to convince him when she spots Gareth hanging around outside.
Laurel goes to see what he’s doing, and he’s about to hand over the file when Anthony comes out. Laurel introduces them, and the boys have a stilted, testosterone-filled pissing match of a conversation. Anthony leaves after promising Laurel he’ll talk to Abby. Gareth tries to leave, too, but Laurel wants the file that he came all the way down there to deliver. He hesitates but eventually hands it over.
Over at Abby’s apartment, Anthony asks Bug-Girl to come get a quick, painless scan. Abby tries to refuse, but Anthony tells her the FBI has the power to force her, if they must. She relents, telling him she’s going to get her phone and record everything — except instead of grabbing her purse, she walks to the balcony and dives head-first onto the parking lot two stories below.
Nice going, Anthony. You had ONE job…
Cut to Gareth’s office, where the One Wayers are reporting on how they bought a domain.
Gareth: Great, and you’ll lay out the One Way philosophy there?
Jules: Yes, Tom’s writing the manifesto.
Tom: Do you wanna see it?
Gareth: No, the less we coordinate, the better.
I don’t know, Gareth… the term “manifesto” makes me more than a little uneasy. I think I’d want a sneak peek at that sucker.
Jules tells Gareth they’ll also have columns, blogs, comments and various instructive links to bomb-manufacturing and how to alter bullets for better expansion. Gareth tells her to back that train up.
They argue outside, Laurel telling him to stay out of her life, and Gareth saying he just thought she should see the photo of Anthony waterboarding suspects. Laurel says the guy in the photo looked nothing like Anthony, and Gareth accuses her of ignoring the facts. Laurel tells him to knock it off just as she gets a phone call from Anthony. Gareth rolls his eyes so hard he nearly detaches his retinas. But he changes his tune when he sees Laurel is upset. Aww.
Laurel rushes to Abby’s apartment, and Anthony holds her as the reality of losing her friend (and knowing she’s at least partially culpable) sets in. Later, Anthony assures Laurel it had nothing to do with them, but Laurel doesn’t believe him. He says Abby was depressed, which he learned from their friend Stacie. Hmm, infected people cover up the deaths of other infected people, presumably so no one will investigate too closely. Damn, these bugs are clever!
Mari: Way beyond just jumping head first into pavement.
Dani: US Senate. Luke and Amarant try to end the government shutdown while Red and Ella are busy appearing on some talk show. The interview will only last for 20 minutes, so they don’t have much time.
They power through a Unanimous Consent vote in record speed, then move straight into the Sequestration Bill to Reopen the Government. Luke calls for the minimum 15-minute roll call, so the other Senators had better get their asses in gear if they want to cast their votes in time. Amarant and Luke have warned their supporters to stay close, so they’ll be fine as long as Red and Ella stay away.
Unfortunately, that bitch Scarlett is watching C-SPAN and sees what’s going on. She texts Ella, who runs off the set of the show. Red follows, but when the two finally reach the subway it’s closed for contrivance purposes (aka the government shutdown). (M: It’s consistent contrivance at least!)
They eventually make it to the Senate floor, but they’re too late. C-SPAN says the vote began at 4:49PM ET, and it’s now 5:02PM ET and the bill has passed, so you know this is fiction. Luke comes out, and Red says, “You’re dead.” Twice. Wow, sore-loser much?
Mari: Also, bugs are really into destruction of property and bombs so I think Red is actually planning to kill Luke twice.
Dani: IN THE FACE at least once, for sure.
Later that night, Rochelle visits Laurel and offers her sympathies about Abby, because she’s a far better person than I. Laurel wonders if the infection made her jump in such a way that it’d be impossible to examine her brain structure, but Rochelle reminds her Abby was depressed. Laurel thinks maybe Stacie made that up, but Rochelle says that level of coordination between infected people isn’t possible.
Mari: I like Rochelle, but I generally dislike the straight man, non-believer in these kinds of stories. I’m gonna need her to get on board any minute now.
Dani: Agreed. That archetype only works when the audience isn’t sure whether to believe, and that ship’s already sailed (actually, it was never in the harbor to begin with).
Anthony shows up at Laurel’s place, and he looks embarrassed when he sees she has company. He just came over to check on Laurel, but Rochelle says she was leaving, anyway. He awkwardly gives Laurel some cookies and seems incredibly sweet and adorable for a guy who waterboards suspects.
Laurel apologizes for thinking the opposite, and Anthony kisses her. Then he apologizes and says he’s been wanting to do that all week. Aww. Laurel tells him not to apologize. She says they both apologize a lot, so they make a vow to stop. They kiss again, and it must not suck because the next time we see them it’s post-sexy-times and Laurel looks… satisfied.
Mari: The first time Anthony kissed her, it seemed so chaste that I thought she was going to reject him. This is definitely not rejection.
Dani: While Anthony sleeps, Laurel goes to the couch and watches news of the government shutdown ending. She calls Luke to congratulate him, and he says, “Yeah, I’m pretty bitchin’.” LOL.
Luke warns Laurel that Ella and Red are already stirring up the base, calling Luke’s actions a senatorial coup d’etat. Laurel looks online and sees protests and people rioting in the streets. Jules and Noah give interviews calling for a revolution to overthrow the government, albeit from opposite sides. Laurel closes her laptop and looks horrified.
The next morning, Laurel wakes up after having fallen asleep on the couch. She returns to bed and snuggles into Agent WowThatChest. She apologizes for sleeping on the couch (so much for that zero-apology resolution) and says she must have nodded off.
Anthony turns on his side and says, “What?”
Laurel repeats herself, and he cups his ear BECAUSE HE STILL CAN’T HEAR HER.
I’m hoping there’s another explanation for this. Lots of people are deaf in one ear, right? Anthony was in Iraq… maybe he lost his hearing in the war? (M: My exact first thought and really nicely played by the writers to have that as the instant connection and keep us guessing.) Please, please, please don’t let him get bug-brain. That said, I like the way this episode ended with a little cliffhanger.
Next time on BrainDead: We find out if Anthony goes the way of juice cleanses and no sex in S01 E05 – Back to Work.
I’m a serial procrastinator and a genuinely terrible singer, and if anyone knows how to monetize either of these skills please hit me up. In my spare time, I like to study Dutch painters, Italian architecture, and Canadian bacon.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
