Buffy the Vampire Slayer S02 E16 – Needs less Xander.

Previously: Oz is a werewolf! Oz/Willow! And Angelus is generally running around fucking with Buffy’s life.
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Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered

Sweeney: This episode begins, as so many do, in the cemetery. Xander is holding up a necklace and asking Buffy if she thinks Cordelia would like it as a Valentine’s Day present. B gives him a hard time about dating her, and says that she thinks he could “find someone more…better.” Xander disagrees and once again reminds Buffy of his unrequited love for her.

Lorraine:

K: +1. The notes I was writing while watching this episode say “UGH, XANDER. YOU CANNOT HIT ON BUFFY RIGHT NOW, YOU DOUCHE.”

Sweeney: Xander, we can’t stop being so hard on you until you stop with the general “ick” vibe. He makes a comment about slaying being way simpler than dating, so, of course, out pops a vamp for Buffy to fight/slay. She helps Xander up and insists that slaying is more perilous than dating, to which Xander replies, “Well, you’re obviously not dating Cordelia.” Roll credits.

Cordelia arrives at the high school in an outfit that isn’t inherently horrible so much as it just ages her by a good thirty years.

K: Seriously. Girlfriend looks like a substitute teacher. 

Sweeney: Her friends are ignoring her and she has to scurry after them to talk about coordinating outfits for the dance. The Bitch Brigade immediately starts giving her a hard time about Xander, but they’re not clever enough for any of their insults to be worth repeating. They walk off, leaving Cordelia alone, hurt, and newly pushed down a bazillion rungs on the social ladder.

In another class that Buffy/Xander and Willow shouldn’t be in together, Xander is delighted to be turning in a paper that will get him a solid D- because that’s his general achievement level. Amy asks about going to The Bronze, and Willow gushes, “My boyfriend’s in the band!” Valentine’s Day chat makes Buffy uncomfortable, due to her boyfriend recently being relieved of his soul by her magical vagina.

Xander and Amy are the last to leave, so he sees her pull some magic to convince the teacher that she is handing in a paper even though she is not. Pretty sloppy on Amy’s part to not loiter .2 seconds longer so Xander can hand his paper and leave ahead of her, but whatever.

K: Amy’s clearly not too bright. You’d think after that whole “my mother stole my body by using magic” routine that she’d have gone “You know what, let’s just stay away from magic”, but apparently not… 

Sweeney: He goes after Buffy and Willow to ask if they saw that, which they did not and then it is dropped because Giles shows up. BUT FIRST, I don’t even know what’s going on with Buffy’s outfit right now, or why her backpack straps are sitting that way, and so I’m going to share my confusion:

Lor: This outfit says, “my shoulders are warm and my neck is cold.”

K: Aaaaand we once again have evidence to support that whole “Slayers don’t feel the cold” theory. 

Sweeney: Anyway, Giles wants to discuss something srsbsns with Buffy. Ms. Calendar appears just then and The Emotional Violins of Sadness play in the background as she asks for a word with him and he’s all, “Nope. Gotta talk to Buffy. And never you, because you fucking suck.” Maybe that’s not a direct quote.

Lor: I’m torn about Ms. Calendar. I KNOW. I KNOW. That doesn’t exactly fall in line with my previous “fuck Ms. Calendar” attitude. I still don’t like her or her character development. I also don’t think she’s as guilty as the Scoobs are making her out to be. She didn’t curse Angel or enchant Buffy’s vajay, ya know? Right now she is more a victim of Buffy’s FEELINGS and Giles, loyal as ever, is stuck in the crossfire. She wasn’t completely honest, but you’d think the vampire slayer would know a little bit about being dishonest to those closest to you and/or about inheriting responsibilities you don’t always want.

TL;DR: Ms. Calendar sucks but probably not as badly as they thinks she does and not for the reasons they think she does.

Sweeney: No, I get what you’re saying and I agree. This is the brief moment where she starts to win you back over. I still hate her though.

In the library, the srsbsns conversation is, of course, about Angelus. Giles has been doing his homework and it turns out that pre-soul-acquiring Angelus did a lot of awful shit around Valentine’s Day, because of reasons. It’s a great little contrivancetastic plot shift, but it kind of sets the tone for the whole Angelus/Buffy arc. Giles wants Buffy to lay low for a few days because, “better safe than sorry.” We get some Grade A Buffy Brood when she responds, “It’s a little late for both.”

Down in the Vampire Factory, Dru is opening a pretty necklace from Spike and fawning over it. Just as Spike says, “Nothing but the best for my girl,” Angelus drops a human heart on the table next to it, and wishes her a happy Valentine’s Day. Delightful.

K: Poor Spike. One-upped by Mr. Buckets o’ Crazy. 

Sweeney: As Dru drools over it, Angelus is smirking and looking at Spike through his guyliner-drenched eyes. He then picks up the necklace and says it’s cute before putting it on her, again to piss off wheelie!Spike.

Spike insists that Angelus should go back to worrying about Buffy, and offers ripping out her lungs as a solution. Angelus feels that “lacks poetry.” Dru assures Spike not to worry because, “Angel always knows what speaks to a girls heart,” she says as she eyes the heart on the table with one of her creepy vacant Dru stares.

At The Bronze, Willow is adorable, as per usual. “Oz has his cool hair today. I think I’m a groupie!” she says with precious enthusiasm that only Willow can deliver. Cordelia arrives at The Bronze and is once again shunned by her former minions.

K: I’m going to butt in here to mention just how very much I love Dingoes Ate My Baby. And not just because of their band name. Although I object VERY strongly to Devon’s white crushed velvet shirt in this scene. Because NOOOOOOOOOOO and WHYYYYYYYYYYYY and UGH. 

Sweeney: At Buffy’s house, movie night with mom is interrupted by a knock on the door and the temporary disappearance of Joyce. Somebody left Buffy a black box of roses with a note that says, “SOON.”

Xander finds Cordelia, quite upset, and proceeds to pour his heart out and gives Cordelia the necklace before she does as any good fallen social-status-obsessed girl would and dumps him. I have genuine sads for Xander. Not too many, because my sads are otherwise occupied, but for real, it sucks. “Do you know when’s a good day to break up with somebody? ANY DAY BESIDES VALENTINE’S DAY.” Truth.

Lor: I sometimes forget they are all supposed to be high school kids. Because I really want to hate Cordy right now. What a bitch.

K: Right there with you, Lor. I also feel the need to point out that this is the first school dance that Sunnydale has had since that whole multicultural party where a mummy nearly ate Xander’s face. a) I’m relieved that Sunnydale has dances less frequently than Sweet Valley, b) Xander should obviously stay away from school dances, and c) I’m really glad I live in Australia where there was one school dance a year.

Sweeney: At school, Xander is mocked by everyone. Pouring salt in the wound, Cordelia sits by as the former minions tease him. Xander corners Amy and blackmails her: I won’t tell everyone you’re a witch if you perform a love spell on her. He wants the love spell not to get her back, but so that he can dump her. What a winner! I’m not withdrawing the smattering of sads I diverted to your cause just yet, but I’m tempted.

Lor: They are kind of made for each other because in this scene he’s acting like a little bitch too.

Sweeney: Buffy storms into the library and slaps the note on the table for Giles, insisting that he’s holding out on her and he needs to tell her what she should be preparing for with Angelus.

Xander demands the necklace back for Amy’s spell. Cordelia pretends to get out of her locker, but she was wearing it under her shirt. Xander’s small portion of sads are withdrawn and reallocated to Cordelia.

K: +1. Although I’m going to remove a few points from Cordy for this outfit:

Sweeney: It seems that matronly clothing are Cordelia’s version of B’s Flannel Shirt of Sadness.

That night, they perform the spell and it’s majorly weird.

Just like all of this show’s mythology, witchcraft is initially handled without much deference for consistency and often employed only when contrivance demands it. Also like everything else, it becomes somewhat more uniform/logical later on. Somewhat.

The next day at school, Xander goes to stand over Cordelia in an effort to taunt her, but the spell hasn’t affected her. She accuses him of going “stalker boy” on her, which makes this blog’s connection to Cordelia grows ever-stronger. Don’t worry, Cordelia: as much as we hate on Xander, he could never be Christian Grey, and I mean that as one of the highest compliments Xander will ever receive from me.

He sulks into the library just as Giles disappears into the back room to get more Angelus books. (Sidebar: It seems a little OOC for Giles, the closest thing to a concerned parent B has, and lover of research, to not have done this sooner.) Buffy’s consoling Xander quickly switches to coming onto him and it’s majorly awkward. Just then, Amy appears and wants to speak to him. Just outside the library, Amy comes onto Xander as well in the same basic language as Buffy. This makes Xander realize that Buffy was just under the spell, and he’s bummed.

K: I threw up in my mouth a little during this scene, because Xander makes a comment about a lap dance, and Buffy gets all “Weeeeell, if you play your cards right……” NYARGH.

Sweeney: A random girl hits on him and he flees the school. Back in his room, Willow is in his bed waiting for him. This is the worst part of this entire spell scenario because (1) an interruption of Willow/Oz cuteness -and- (2) poor Willow.

K: + ALL THE NUMBERS.

Sweeney: Back at school, The Bitch Brigade is now icing out Cordelia for breaking Xander’s heart, and she’s all, “WTF MATE!” There is an awkward slowmo bit with Xander being stared at by all as he walks into school. He then actually does the right thing and goes to Giles. Ms. Calendar then conveniently appears and hits on him, driving home the seriousness of the situation. Giles is pissed. People under love spells apparently go epic levels of crazy.

Giles leaves (taking Ms. Calendar) to find Amy, ordering Xander to remain there. Buffy then appears in a short robe and probably nothing else, which would be her greatest ho suspension ever, were it not for the big spell.

Lorraine: Amazingly, this all appears to be happening during school? So Buffy is just walking around in her robe through the halls of Sunnydale High and that is a thing that is totally fine.

K: a) I have a feeling it’s actually a trench coat rather than a robe, and b) uh, guys? Remember all the OTHER #hosuspension outfits Buffy’s worn so far? The general Sunnydale High population were probably surprised that she was wearing something with sleeves.

Sweeney: Xander again does the right thing by rejecting Buffy. She then loses her shit, just in time for Amy to arrive. Buffy punches Amy who responds by turning Buffy into a rat.

Giles and Ms. Calendar return right after the rat-transformation. Ms. Calendar and Amy fight over Xander, but he stops Amy as she starts to pull the rat magic again. In the halls, girls are cornering Cordelia for using Xander and breaking his heart. She gets bitch slapped by Harmony.

Giles orders the ladies to sit and be quite so that he and Xander can catch the Buffy rat. That progress is interrupted by Oz punching Xander in the face. “I was on the phone all night listening to Willow cry about you. Now, I don’t know what happened, but I was left with the very strong urge to…hit you.” Then he helps Xander up. I love you, Oz.

Lorraine: The bit where he helps him up is amazing and speaks so much to Oz’s personality and yes. Love Oz.

K: Oz for President! Or something…

Sweeney: Giles sends Xander home, resolving to work on reversing the spell with Ms. Calendar and Amy and putting Oz on the job of finding Buffy Rat.

Out in the hall, Cordelia is being legitimately trampled by crazies. Xander pulls her out and carries her out of the school. Outside, Willow has an ax, and the fighting is FULL TILT JUNGLE MADNESS!

Oz follows Buffy Rat into the Basement of Don’t Go In There. Buffy Rat has a run-in with a black cat and I laugh because what a way for B to go.

K: I really want to know what the Watcher Diaries would have said if that had happened. “My Slayer was turned into a rat, and she ran away, and…yeah. We should probably send for Kendra.”

Sweeney: Due to, you know, reasons, Xander and Cordelia flee to Buffy’s house. While Cordelia is fetching bandages, Joyce starts hitting on Xander and I throw up in my mouth. Cordelia appears and reiterates this sentiment, before shooing Joyce out of her own house. She breaks the glass to get back in and they retreat to Buffy’s room.

Lorraine: WHY DOES ANYONE RUN AWAY FROM SOMETHING BY GOING UPSTAIRS YOU GUYS?

Sweeney: JUST THEN! Angelus appears through the window and yanks Xander outside. This is definitely high on my list of favorite Angelus moments. In fact, the entire scene that follows is a great bit of this show’s campy ridiculousness.

K: +1. I just wish they’d ease up on Angelus’ guyliner. 

Sweeney: Angelus demands to know where Buffy is, and then throws him onto the grass. Angelus suggests that this is going to be his Valentine’s Day treat to B, but just as he goes in for the bite, Angel is kicked off not by Buffy, but Drusilla. Angelus is all, “WTF ARE YOU DOING?” and Drusilla creeps, “If you harm one hair on this boy’s head…” She also refers to Xander as “a real man” which is extra-lolzy. Angelus mutters about driving her crazy and backs off. Just as Dru goes in for the bite, the girl mob returns.

Cordelia fends off ax-wielding Willow and pulls Xander from the heap and into the house. The mob goes in through the back and Dru tries to join, but can’t due to vampire magic. Angelus is sitting off to the side laughing about this. I don’t understand why they don’t kill anyone, what with all the easy pickings, but I’ll just assume he’s too amused by what’s going on?

Xander and Cordelia again retreat to Buffy’s basement, the scene of first make out.

Lor: WHY DOES ANYONE RUN AWAY FROM SOMETHING BY GOING INTO A BASEMENT YOU GUYS?

K: Kids are dumb, yo.

Sweeney: They bicker and Cordelia realizes that the spell was meant for her.

Lor: Also, I must mention that I was highly amused by Xander’s attempts to barricade doors in this episode. First, he pushes the card catalog in front of the library doors, but they open out, not in. Buffy in the Sexy Times Robe gets in easily. Here, in the basement, Xander is nailing wooden boards to the frame of the door, but again, it opens out not in. Amazing.

Sweeney: Giles and Amy are up to the voodoo just as the mob descends on the basement and Buffy Rat is hanging out by a mouse trap. The spells are lifted just! in! time! with a super fun laser light show.

Not-a-rat Buffy sends Oz to get her some clothing because she “seems to be having a case of nakedness.“

Cordelia tells the newly de-voodooed mob, “That was the best scavenger hunt ever!” which is pretty standard as absurd explanations for hellmouth nonsense goes.

Buffy and Xander have a sort of episode-wrap-up chat in the halls. Willow’s not speaking to Xander, which Buffy thinks is understandable and we give a big +3 to that. (L: Yep. K: DEFINITELY) The whole thing is way worse for her, of course, because “Willow loved you before you invoked The Great Roofie Spirit.” Obviously I’m just including that line because I love that name.

Lor: I LAUGHED SO MUCH. Roofies are kind of a thing around here. Uh, not in the creepy way that line may have insinuated, but you know.

Sweeney: Awkward, again. (But they really are.)

Fortunately for Xander, Buffy forgives him because he didn’t do the shitty thing and take advantage of the girl under The Great Roofie Spirit. Hooray for him?

He runs into the Bitch Brigade, but this time Cordelia tells Harmony off and insists that she doesn’t need Harmony’s approval because she’s way cooler (true!) and can date whoever the hell she wants to date. She walks off with Xander and he promises to fight with her whenever they are around them.

THE END. I get super confused when episodes end this way. How can you roll end credits without some sort of ominous scene for us to fret about between now and the next episode?

K: RUDE, WHEDON. RUDE.

Next time on Buffy the Vampire Slayer: A whole lot of Angelus. Tune in for s02 E17 – Passion.