Breaking Dawn Chapter 16 – Peak FUBAR

Previously: Vampire babies chew their way out what the fuck.
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Kirsti: Jacob wakes up (-_-) on the floor when Edward decides that it’s time to cool Bella down. He heads out with Leah to do “the deep run” while Seth stays on patrol. They don’t find anything. I just recapped 3 pages. You’re welcome.

Marines: I love these reminders that this is way too many words to describe boring crap and utter horrors. 

Catherine: I could tell just from those sentences that it was a bullshit amount of pages. Meyer has never summarized anything ever in her entire life. 

K: Clearly.

Jacob decides that seeing as they’re not in a hurry, they should probably hunt on the way back. Leah’s all “Ew, raw meat”, and he reminds her that they’re wolves and that’s how wolves eat. Right, but you’re also human and unless you want a fucking tapeworm, you should probably cook your damned meat.

As they head back towards the Cullens, Leah thanks Jacob for letting her stick around, and that she wants to stay with him after the whole vampire thing goes down. He’s so shocked that he literally stops dead. She insists that she won’t be a pain, and that she’s happier as part of his pack than she’s been in years. Poor Leah. She really got the rough end of the stick in this series… (C: I can’t imagine what you’d have to go through to be happy being bossed around by Jacob.)

Seth insists that he wants to stay part of the pack too, but Jacob insists that he has to stay in La Push and graduate high school and do something with his life. Leah agrees, and says that she’s going to get the fuck out and go to community college or something, but she needs to stay in Jacob’s pack for her mental well-being. Leah, girl. I’m all for self-care strategies. But this one is pretty crap. I mean, it’s better than going back to La Push and dealing with Sam again. But it’s only marginally better.

Annie: And like, Seth gets to go on, finish high school and live his life? While Leah is doomed to be committed to Jacob’s pack? I think the fuck not. Leah deserves to live her life, too. She ‘needs’ Jacob for her sanity? NO. She needs to get away from her creepy, weird, controlling, manipulating pack leader.

K: SERIOUSLY.

We’re treated to a page and a half that can best be summed up as “and then we killed a deer om nom nom nom nom”. (M: Damn, you are so good at recapping.) (C: A picture has truly been painted in my mind.) (K: YOU’RE WELCOME.) They get back to the house, where Seth promptly falls asleep. Leah and Jacob keep patrolling. Jacob tells Leah that “My head is not going to be the happiest place on earth. And you’ll have to suffer right along with me.” She’s all “Meh, facing my pain is worse.” OR. You could just leave town altogether, girl. Also a valid choice.

She tells him that she’s sorry he’s in pain and that it’s going to get worse before saying that she can actually understand Rosalie’s perspective. He totally loses his shit and thinks that it’s a good thing they’re super far apart on patrol so he can’t murder her face off. Once he’s calmed his tits, she tells him that she can understand Rosalie’s perspective because it’s about being a genetic dead end. Because she hasn’t had a period since she became a werewolf. “Was that because she wasn’t as female as she should be?” Jacob wonders. Are you shitting me right now? Not only do we have to deal with Bella being punished for wanting sex with this super gross vampire pregnancy, but now LEAH ISN’T SUFFICIENTLY FEMALE to be able to have kids? Fuck. This. Noise.

Mari: It shouldn’t have to be said, but also I can’t not say it: there are so many females out there that don’t have periods. I see you. You are female enough. 

Catherine: I just…? I’m speechless. Even just not being able to have kids doesn’t make you…not a woman? What IS this new fuckery? I can’t believe I forgot this conversation even happened. I’m so offended by this I wanna go back in time and smack teenage me in the face. 

Annie: There are females without ovaries, uteruses, and vaginas. So fuck that noise. FUCK YOU, JACOB. PSA: No one gets to tell anyone else if they are female (or male) enough. 

K: EXACTLY. Literally nothing about this is okay. The whole idea that women only exist to have kids is hella fucked up. Infertile people exist. People who don’t want kids exist. Trans people exist. Intersex people exist. Non-binary people exist. Got it? GOOD.

They then have this super gross conversation about the bullshit that is imprinting. Sam thinks it happens because you’re drawn to “the person who gives you the best chance to pass on the wolf gene.” Oh, that’s fucking awesome. “I’m attracted to you at a genetic level. Wanna bone? I hope you do because you have no choice in the matter” is a doozy of a pick up line. (A: Especially when you’re delivering the line to AN INFANT.)

Leah says that if she was any good for passing on the wolf gene, Sam would have been drawn to her, not Emily. Therefore, she’s defective and became the only female werewolf ever so she’s at least a USEFUL genetic dead end. She grumbles about being 20 and menopausal, and Jacob’s all “EW GROSS LADY PROBLEMS” before helpfully saying that maybe once she’s done being a wolf, her uterus will be useful again. Leah’s all “Right, except for the part where NO ONE IS IMPRINTING ON ME GODDAMMIT.” Girl. Did you ever think that maybe YOU, as the wolf, are meant to imprint ON someone and not be a COMPLETELY passive part of your own future?? Just a thought…

Anyway. Jacob’s all “Whaaaaa, you WANT to be imprinted on?” and Leah’s all “You DON’T?!” She tells him that whatever he feels for Bella will disappear when he imprints and I continue to be grossed out by literally everything about imprinting. Finally, Leah gets back to the point: she can understand Rosalie because “you always want the very most what you can never, ever have“.

Look, Steph. I get what you’re trying to say. But by that logic? People with anaphylaxis should REALLY REALLY REALLY want to eat peanuts or get stung by bees or accidentally come into contact with eggs. And that doesn’t seem even remotely accurate. Like, they might have a passing curiosity seeing as everyone else seems to love peanut butter? But given that they know THEY COULD DIE, they’re usually 100% okay with staying away from it.

Anyway.

Leah says she didn’t want kids until she couldn’t have kids, so she can totally understand what Rosalie’s doing: living vicariously through Bella. That… is possibly the saddest statement ever uttered in history. Living. Vicariously. Through Bella.

Mari: It becomes even sadder if you think about the fact that that’s what Meyer wanted her readers to do when she created Bella. It becomes the saddest when you think about the fact that it worked.

Catherine: Also, just, and I don’t want to get into it but as a woman that doesn’t want kids, I hate the implication that even women who choose not to have kids are secretly walking baby ovens who suddenly have a biological clock the size of Big Ben when they are told they can’t conceive. I realize it’s a touchy subject, I just RAGE. Are there any female characters in this series who are allowed to not want to be a mother? 

Annie: Nope. Because in Meyer’s universe, all women are good for is hosting the next generation, being perfect wives, with cooking skills that know how to feed a husband, a pack of children, or, if you’re really lucky, a pack of werewolves. 

K: That’s the dream, though, right??? -_-

Jacob decides that this conversation is over, something I’m eternally grateful for. He informs us that Leah is basically dead to him and that she can go suffer in La Push once this is all over. Go fuck yourself with a rusty spoon, Jacob.

He heads into the house and gives everyone the green light to go hunt before sleeping 5eva. But LOL NOPE. He gets inside and Alice informs him that the blood sucking freakishly fast growing baby has broken Bella’s pelvis. Jesus H. Christ, this is FUBAR.

Edward carries Bella downstairs and she looks even shittier and about to break than in the previous chapter. Jacob gives everyone the all clear to go hunting. Edward obviously refuses, and Rosalie says she won’t hunt until Edward does. The other five bail. Jacob decides that messing with Rosalie is more fun than sleeping and goes back to telling blonde jokes. He stumps her, they continue to bicker, I try not to die of boredom.

Mari: Somewhere, Bella and her broken pelvis are trying not to actually die while these two are busy with blonde jokes.

K: Pfff. As if this story needs its protagonist.

Eventually, Rosalie goes off to get more blood for Bella, and Edward says “Did you say something?” to Bella in a confused tone. But nope. She was busy thinking of “Esme’s island. And feathers.” Good Lord, Bella. Even being seventy three months pregnant with a blood drinking mutant baby that’s cracked your pelvis and two ribs hasn’t dented your thirst for sparkle peen. (C: I almost respect it.)

Edward looks shocked and puts his hands on her beach ball belly. Apparently the baby likes the sound of Bella’s voice. He knows this because HE CAN HEAR THE FREAKING BABY’S THOUGHTS. Because that’s not creepy at all. Anyway, apparently the baby is happy. Bella croons at it “while the tears washed her cheeks“, just in case you thought we were done with weird descriptions of crying. (M: Don’t you hate it when you have dirty cheeks and you have to tear wash them?)

And then. THEN, my friends. We are treated to a discussion of baby names. Bella’s named it EJ, for Edward Junior. Ugh. Bella and Edward float off in a nauseating love bubble, until Rosalie interrupts to ask what their back up plan is. You know, if it’s a girl. In the most Mormon moment of this entire series, Bella offers up a portmanteau of Esme and Renee: Renesmee. Rosalie says it’s one of a kind, just like the creepy blood baby. Personally, I think it’s fucking stupid, but that’s because I’ve been saddled with a one of a kind name and I kind of hate it. But at least mine isn’t a truly appalling portmanteau. So… there’s that.

Mari: I have a portmanteau and I love it. But I do now. I didn’t as a kid. Also, I love unique names, but I would 100% not go for a portmanteau for my own kid. It’s too much like saddling it with a pun for the rest of its life.

Catherine: Also, Renesemee is just objectively the dumbest fucking name of all time. Anything would have been better. Esne. Esren. Bucket. Marble. Asshole. Anything. 

K: They should 100% have named this kid Asshole. 100%.

Edward stares off into space and then informs us that the baby loves Bella, like SUPER DUPER LOVES BELLA TO THE POINT WHERE IT’S LITERALLY KILLING HER BUT WHATEVER ALSO THIS WHOLE THING READS AS REEEEEEEEALLY PRO-LIFE AND NO THANK YOU PLEASE.

Anyway, they drift off into their nauseating love bubble again, and Jacob realises that he’s all alone. He’d counted on Edward to hate the baby for what it was doing to Bella, but LOL NOPE. Apparently it’s “like being dragged slowly across a bed of razor blades.” Just like reading this book!

Edward cringes as he reads Jacob’s thoughts, then tosses him a set of car keys, telling him to basically GTFO. And with that wonderful curbhanger, this chapter finally ends.

Allow me to sum it up in three sentences: Leah is menopausal. The baby can convey complex emotions from in utero. Bella sucks at picking out names. The end.

 

Next time on Breaking Dawn: Jacob goes off to write that hit song, Alone In My Principles (bonus points if you understand that reference), and the bell tolls for Bella. Find out more in Breaking Dawn Chapter 17.