Buffy the Vampire Slayer S02 E20 – They can’t all be winners.

Previously: A poltergeist helps Buffy deal with her Brood. I suppose it helped that she got to shoot Angel. That has got to be therapeutic.

Go Fish

Lorraine: Here’s what I know about this episode: I offered to switch last week with Sweeney because she had family in town. She said yes and then came back with a LOL. NOPE. JAYKAY. email because that switch would mean she was going to cover this episode.

Sweeney: True story. And I stand by that life choice.

Lor: And so, this episode seems like a pretty good reason to tap into the fictional booze fund. Bottoms up, lovelies.

K: Here’s cheers to that. Also, I don’t blame Sweeney one bit for changing her mind when she realised which episode she’d have to cover! 

Lor: We open at some sort of beach-bonfire-party in celebration of swim team success. Xander is bitching about the cold and also slightly jealous that these swim team guys are getting attention. Cordy thinks it’s about time Sunnydale was good at something, and Willow is there to remind us that Sunnydale students are awesome at dying.

Wow. Thanks Will.

Sweeney: She’s not wrong.

Lor: Buffy is sitting off by herself, staring at the ocean and the Pity Party Plinking Piano starts up. AND SHE’S WEARING A JACKET AND A SCARF! These are the small things that make us happy, here at the Snark Squad. Some dude comes up and starts talking to Buffy about the ocean. While this is all well and good, I see him and immediately think, “HIM! WHO IS HIM?” A little Internet searching has lead me to believe that the only true place I could recognize him from is the Sweet Valley High TV show where he played the second Todd Wilkins.

 

I am a little ashamed and way excited at this totally-not-really-crossover. Everyone meet Throat Punch Todd.

K: YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS!! <– I’m excited about the crossover and nothing else, because I honestly had no idea until this minute that there was a Sweet Valley High TV show. Also, can we just stop and marvel for a second that Sunnydale has a BEACH in addition to a zoo and an international airport? And that it took them until the end of season 2 to acknowledge the existence of said beach?

Sweeney: One of our commenters mentioned a while ago that the Hellmouth has clearly given Sunnydale the magical power of constantly expanding.

Also: FUCK YEAH TPT. Best. Fake-SS-Crossover. Ever.

Lor: TPT waxes poetic on the ocean and then gets a little smarmy about wanting to get to know Buffy. She’s immediately ruffled, but he says there is no pressure. This is all interrupted by a bully dunking someone’s head in keg water. Wait. IS THAT JONATHAN AGAIN? WTF YOU GUYS????

K: It’s always Jonathan, Lor. Get used to it. 

Sweeney: I AM STILL NOT USED TO IT. My mind has been blown, because I genuinely didn’t notice him until season 3, and his constant appearances leading up to that moment are so fucking brilliant. Each time we see him I’m all, “Whedon, you’re a genius.”

Lor: Buffy comes over and stops the bully while also noticing his lick-and-stick looking shark tattoo. She throws him to the ground and when he tries to get back at Buffy, his teammate tells him to calm down. Wentworth Miller is that teammate. Wentworth Miller is one of those guys who is either attractive or going to kill you in your sleep.

Buffy tries to be nice to Jonathan and he’s all, “I can handle this without your help.” Which is funny because 10 seconds ago he was screaming, “HELP! HELP!” So booo to you Jonathan for 1.) having no context and 2.) being a douche.

Lick-and-Stick and Wentworth are walking along the beach when ominous music starts up. Lick-and-Stick stops and Wentworth just keeps walking, probably because he sees contrivance out in the distance and wants to ask it how it’s been. Alas Wentworth smells something foul and that is when he notices that Lick-and-Stick is gone. He calls out, “dude!” once but then generally decides his friend isn’t worth any more effort. In the background we hear some… slurping? noises and then we pan to reveal Lick-and-Stick’s skin. Just his skin.

Ew.

Some sort of swamp thing, Freak of the Week creeps around the background and roll credits.

When we return, Willow is teaching computer class. STILL. She’s walking around complimenting pie charts, but notices that Wentworth (whose character’s name is actually Gage) is playing Solitaire. He cops a ‘tude with Willow and then the bell rings.

Principal Snyder comes to see Willow and breaks the news that this school is unable to find a teacher or a real substitute. (K: For fuck’s sake, Sunnydale. There are no words for how ridiculous this is.) Willow is pretty pleased, and Snyder calls her a team player. AHEM, AHEM, speaking of team players, Snyder wants Wentworth Miller to pass this class because he’s on the swim team and they are winning. He strongly suggests that Willow change his failing grade. I don’t think Snyder has ever made me hate him before. I don’t know if that just happened because he’s bullying my Willow or because this episode sucks already.

Sweeney: Probably a little of both.

Lor: In the hall, Willow is relating the story and Xander is outraged. Cordy says it’s a fact of life: winners get special privileges. Xander comes back with, “all men are created equal,” and Cordy says, “propaganda spouted out by the ugly and less deserving.” As much as I love Cordy at her tactless worst (or best) this whole Xander/Cordy dynamic grows weary. Much like Angel/Dru/Spike. You can tell it’s end of season.

Anyhow, in a clunky segue, Xander laments Buffy’s not being around to back him up. “She’s too busy being one of them,” he says into the next scene where B is riding in TPT’s car. He’s blathering about the ocean again and about Gertrude Ederle, the first woman to swim the English Channel. Buffy is bored to tears and I +1 my TV.

Finally B interrupts TPT and thanks him for hanging out with no romantic pressure. His response is to ask if she is wearing a bra. LOL FOREVER. OF COURSE SHE ISN’T.

K: My notes for this episode just say “AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA” in response to that line. At least someone in Sunnydale finally noticed. 

Lor: Buffy is taken aback. TPT locks the car doors and tells her he isn’t going to hurt her. “It’s not me I’m worried about,” Buffy awesomes. He doesn’t really get the hint so she spells it out for him with a twisted arm and a head bash into the steering wheel. The resulting honk calls Snyder’s attention.

In the nurse’s office, Buffy says she was the attacked not the attacker, but Snyder ain’t buying. TPT lies and says Buffy lead him on and then freaked out. Buffy wants to know how, exactly, she led him on and he says, “C’mon. Look at the way she dresses.”

SKKRRRRRTTTT. SAY WUH??

Sweeney: As a precursor to everything Lor is about to say, when I rewatched this episode I immediately emailed her something along the lines of: FEELINGS!!!!1.

Lor: Okay, so: Sweeney and I got into a super deep conversation via comments the other day about our term “ho suspension” and she brought up the way we use it for Buffy’s clothing. Yes we had a conversation via our own site’s comments. We do what we want.

Ho suspension is just a funny term. It came from an old post when Sara told us the administration at her school would suspend girls for dancing like hos at dances. Her wording, not theirs. Thus, in their nature, ho suspensions are silly. They come from that older person, administration, “these darn kids!” sort of view. They’ve also grown to encompass behavior that can best be characterized as thinking with your vajay and not your head. Furthermore, ho suspensions have been given to boys on SS.com.

ANYHOW, the point is Buffy’s clothes. I take issue with them often and not only because they can be butt ugly. Here are my main issues:

1.) In the context of walking around the halls of a school? No. I cannot even begin to fathom a school where you can walk around in a silky trench coat and nothing underneath unnoticed. NO.

2.) In the context of having to constantly kick vampire ass? No. She should not be wearing micro minis.

3.) She’s just 16!

So, while I think Buffy’s clothes are inappropriate in context, and on a personal level, things I wouldn’t even wear drunk in a club, TPT’s comment is also completely unacceptable. NO. NO FOREVER.

I COULD BE NAKED, MOTHER FUCKER. That does NOT invite you to be rapey. Or an asshole. Or a rapey asshole.

Sweeney: You’re my favorite forever.

Lor: Thank you. I feel better now.

We are introduced to the swim team coach. He instructs TPT to spend time in the steam room and Buffy to “dress more appropriately. This isn’t a dance club.”

The administration at Sunnydale High, ladies and gentlemen.

K: +ALL THE NUMBERS to everything Lor said. What a pack of douchecanoes. Hey, Buffy? Now might be a good time to pull out that Slayer Power knee to the groin that you delivered to Angelus a few episodes ago…

Sweeney: YES.

Lor: In the Wiggins Library, Buffy is going off about TPT and the Scoobies just look at her blankly. I guess one downside of being the Slayer is that no one will take it seriously if a teenaged boy locks you in his car. B gets the hint and asks what’s up with them. Giles fills her in: they are looking for a “beastie” who eats humans whole, except for the skin, as we saw with Lick-and-Stick. “Any demons with high cholesterol?” Buffy snarks but Giles is not a fan.

TPT heads to the cafeteria and once there, smells something foul. We cut to Xander, out in the hallway, who hears TPT’s screams. Xander runs to the cafeteria and finds TPT’s skin. He then comes face to face with some Swamp Thing and we fade to black.

In the Wiggins Library, Xander is describing the monster to Cordy who is sketching it. When she gives up, Giles asks if the picture looks anything like the Swamp Thing. Xander guesses it does, but admits that it was dark and the thing took off. “Go ahead, say it,” Cordy says. “You ran like a woman.”

Sweeney: Also, can we just say that Cordelia apparently has some legit artistic skills? It was a pretty good drawing.

Lor: NGL: my reaction was, “CORDY CAN DRAW?”

Willow and Buffy enter and say that Lick-and-Stick and TPT were the best swimmers on the team. They figure someone is out to get the swimmers and also that Wentworth Miller is probably the next victim as he is the third best swimmer. Buffy is on protection duty and Willow is going to question Jonathan, as he has motive.

Xander asks what he can do. Cordy: “Well, you could go out to the parking lot, and practice running like a man.” Aw man. I couldn’t help but laugh.

K: As much as I hate the fact that her fringe (that’s “bangs” to you, America) is mysteriously back, I pretty much love Cordy in this episode. 

Sweeney: +1 on both counts.

Lor: Willow questions Jonathan in a cute scene, and while he admits to wanting revenge, his version of that was peeing in the swim pool, not conjuring the Swamp Thing. Fair.

Snyder and Swim Coach talk about their dead players, and again, Snyder is just concerned with winning the championship. Swim Coach needs one more person on the team and he needs to find them by the afternoon. Xander is on hand to overhear.

At the Bronze, Buffy is the worst spy of all time and Wentworth quickly realizes she’s watching him. She tries to pretend she’s a swim groupie but she doesn’t really sell it. The whole “you might be dead soon” truth doesn’t work on Wentie either, so he leaves.

Outside, he’s muttering, “stupid bitch” to himself and Angelus is on hand to be all, “YOU MEAN BUFFY, RIGHT?” It’s all fun and games until Angelus vamps out and bites him. Buffy takes for-freaking-ever to react to the screams, but thankfully for Wentie, his blood apparently tastes like shit. Angelus spits it out. B gets one kick in before Angelus throws Wentie at her, knocking her down. He scampers.

Wentworth asks Buffy to walk him home and they walk off in the opposite direction Wentie was originally going. Uh, short cut?

We cut to the pool and who the hell framed this shot?

Anyhow, Buffy, Willow and Cordy talk about that whole, “ew! blood!” thing Angel pulled. Buffy guesses that maybe the swim team’s been taking steroids and that is somehow attracting the Swamp Thing. This conversation is interrupted by Cordy spotting a new member of the swim team. The camera pans up and it’s Xander. The girls are all freaked by his lack of clothing and, I’m guessing, totally normal body. Under all those layers of jerk is a boy, dear friends.

K: I too am freaked by his lack of clothing. I could quite happily have gone my entire life without seeing Xander in budgie smugglers…

Lor: “Budgie Smugglers?” For real?

Anyways, Xander joined the team to spy and Cordy is super impressed.

In the locker room, Wentworth is getting dressed when he smells something foul. Buffy, who was keeping watch nearby, hears his screams and runs to his aid. She sees the Swamp Thing, but he isn’t really doing anything. Wentie is screaming in pain. He pulls apart his skin and a Swamp Thing climbs out of his skin. Thing 1 and Thing 2 attack Buffy.

After a cut to black, we watch B get her slay on. One of the Swamp Things bites her before the Swim Coach appears. The Swamp Things scatter.

In the nurse’s office, B is getting her bite bandaged. Giles has a chat with the Swim Coach, who claims to not know if the boys were on steroids.

Willow hacks into the school medical records and finds all three dead boys Swamp Things were exhibiting symptoms of steroid use. Xander is tasked with snooping around the other team members and Buffy and Giles are “going fishing.”

In the steam room, Xander asks his teammates where the steroids are. It’s in the steam in the steam room. Xander looks rightfully horrified. All of that pales in comparison, however, to the fact that Shane West is the boy who answers Xander about the steroids.

Sweeney: I WAS SO DISTRACTED BY HIS PRESENCE.

Lor: In the next scene it is revealed that the Swim Coach and the Nurse are in cahoots, exposing the boys to the steamy steroids. Swim Coach is very blase about the fact that his concoction is turning people into Swamp Things even though hat’s one hell of a side effect. As the nurse expresses her reservations about transforming children, Swim Coach throws her down a large drain, where the Swamp Things will presumably eat her.

Wiggins Library. Xander is, well, wigging because he was in the steamy steroids three times. Cordy freaks about having to date a fish boy instead of just regular lame Xander. Pretty legit concern.

K: Somewhere in here, Buffy tells Xander not to break out the tartar sauce just yet. Because I have issues, I heard this as “Don’t break out the TARDIS just yet” and got very excited. ALAS. 

Lor: Buffy finds the Swim Coach and questions him. He’s a pretty easy crack. Buffy is just all, “tell me what’s in the steam!” he pauses for a moment and then does. Essentially, some Soviet Union inspired, fish-DNA concoction. I kid not. Why? ‘Cause winning is cool!

K: YAY, COLD WAR!

Lor: Swim Coach (if I knew he’d play a big role, I would’ve given him a cooler name. Sorry.) has a horrible line about Buffy “not even standing in line” when they were handing out school spirit. He then pulls out a gun and forces B to jump down into the huge drain thing. The dead nurse’s body floats by her, and for being dinner, she doesn’t look particularly eaten up.

Buffy asks if Swim Coach is just going to feed her to the fishes (#punny) and the Swim Coach says they’ve already had dinner but “boys have other needs.” YOU SICK-O.

K: I literally dry heaved during this scene. 

Lor: By the pool, Xander is still wigging so he goes to check himself out in a mirror, to see if he’s growing scales. Cordelia waits outside but soon after, a Swamp Thing comes out of the locker room and jumps into the pool. Cordy thinks it’s Xander and delivers a heartwarming speech about still caring for him and wanting to date him unless he wants to see other fish. She’s up to the point where she’s offering him bath toys when Xander reappears and says he’s not the thing swimming in the pool. The Swamp Things jumps out of the water and they run.

Sweeney: Can we just acknowledge that Cordelia gets a millionty girlfriend points for that speech? She’s often a bitch, yes, but she agreed to stay with fish!Xander. That’s commitment.

Lor: Agreed.

Xander goes off to the coach’s office to find Buffy. The Swim Coach tries to attack, but Xander is useful! And keeps him from grabbing the gun. I’m sorry, but I’m not yet at a point in my personal development where Xander usefulness doesn’t amaze me.

Buffy has been doing her best to keep the Swamp Things away from her, but the being chest deep in water thing is really cockblocking her Slayer moves. Just as the creatures are closing in around her, Xander reaches down to help pull her up from the sewer. Buffy super jumps, or Slayer Soars if you will, and grabs Xander’s hand. He manages to pull her up all useful like! Still amazing.

Oh, wait, the Swim Coach knocks Xander over the head just so we don’t get too excited. Buffy sweep kicks him and he falls into the drain thing, despite her attempt to hang onto him. Before you can say, “is it over yet?” the Swamp Things surround the coach. Buffy and Xander look on and B says, “those boys seriously love their coach.”

Hmmm. Considering the comment Swim Coach made about the boys already having dinner and still having boy needs, I find this line suspect. AND HILARIOUS.

K: I just snorted. I’d honestly never thought of that before. But LOL FOREVER. 

Sweeney: Same. A+ for that, Lor.

Lor: The episode wrap-up features Giles telling us that the Swamp Things have managed to escape. Buffy says they won’t be a problem, though, and figures they are already home. We get a final shot of them swimming around in the ocean all happy like, now that they can be regular teenaged boys turned fish.

This episode felt like it was swept up off the writing room floor or that it could’ve aired at mostly any other point in the season and not made a difference.

LAME.

 

Next time on Buffy the Vampire Slayer: It’s a bad accent festival, complete with flashbacks and additional vampire slayers. Join the fun in BtVS S02 E21 – Becoming (Part 1).