Breaking Dawn Chapter 31 – Confundus

Previously: The Volturi are a month away. Really gearing up for action here.
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Marines: Apparently the last chapter ended in the middle of a damn scene I can’t even remember, but we pick up one second later, obviously, because of course. Tanya is asking about what part the werewolves will have to play in whatever plan the Cullens are concocting. Jacob explains:

“If the Volturi won’t stop to listen about Nessie, I mean Renesmee,” he corrected himself, remembering that Tanya would not understand his stupid nickname, “we will stop them.” 

1- First person POV means that Bella CANNOT KNOW why Jacob corrected himself, but okay, interrupt this to cheat at narration.

2- I love that Bella really thinks that Nessie is stupider than Renesmee.

3- Way to think Tanya, also an amazing vampire genius who thinks in fragments of seconds (or whatever) won’t understand that NESSIE is a diminutive of Renesmee.

Annie: These are the things that really make me believe the rumour I started that Stephenie was paid by the word. At least Bella’s cheatery narration is a consistent thing through out this series. She often ‘helpfully’ narrates what other people are thinking. She can even tell us what’s going on when she’s got her back to someone, sleeping or dead. So that’s a thing that Stephenie did. Points to her, I guess?

K: I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – people talk shit about Charles Dickens for being long winded because he was being paid by the word, but at least Dickens created good characters and compelling stories… 

Mari: Totally unpaid promotion for Charles Dickens.

Tanya there, theres Jacob’s assumption that the werewolves could take on the vampires because of course they can’t because they are werewolves, ew. Tanya tells him that it’s his life to spend as he chooses, though.

And then this disgusting shit happens:

“Jacob’s eyes flickered to Renesmee– still in Carmen’s arms with Kate hovering over them– and it was easy to read the longing in them.” 

1- EWWWWW.

2- GROSS.

3- I HATE IT.

Annie: Seriously, fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck all of this. How is this a thing that was allowed to be published? HOW.

K: I honestly don’t understand how anybody gave this fucking abomination 5 stars. Like…NOTHING ABOUT THAT IS OKAY EVER.

Mari: Tanya says that R sure is special and Eleazar, who is vamp-speed-pacing back and forth, says it’s a very special family. A mind-reader for a father, a shield for a mother, and then whatever the eff R is. Edward is like

about the Bella being a shield thing. Eleazar is like, duh, isn’t she blocking you right now too? Edward says that she is, but that he was never able to hear her thoughts, even when she was a human. This allows Eleazar to tell us how SPECIAL and POWERFUL Bella is, if her powers were manifesting pre-transformation. Plus, she’s doing it now so perfectly and without even trying even though she is a gross baby vampire! What power! What beauty! What strength!

Bella asks what any of this means. Eleazar says that vampire powers are all unique, but anyone that is defensive or protective is called a shield. Bella thinks about it for a few seconds with her new super fast brain and realizes that it only works on certain things, like Edward listening to her thoughts, but not others, like Jasper messing with her mood or Alice reading her future. Eleazar is like “hmm, a mental defense I see.” Like if that makes any sense. (K: Literally none of this makes any sense.) Then she also shares that Aro couldn’t hear her and Jane couldn’t hurt her and probably Demitri can’t find her and Alec can’t bother her. “Is that good?” she asks so that we can hear from Eleazar once again how AMAZING Bella is.

Annie: 

Mari: Edward is “deeply satisfied” by Bella’s power and says that he never thought about it because the only other shield he knows is Renata and what she does is different. She’s Aro’s bodyguard, and she can shield against physical attack. Anyone coming for Aro will suddenly find themselves diverted, confused as to where they wanted to go in the original direction in the first place. If this also sounds like a super strong and special gift, Eleazar is on hand to remind us of how VERY special Bella is because he’s never heard of anyone thwarting Aro or Jane.

K: So… Renata can basically cast a confundus charm on people??

Mari: That, but stupider.

Just in case this is too subtle or in case you’ve reached the point where you are just repeatedly banging your head against solid surfaces, even the toddlerbaby jumps in with “Momma, you’re special.” (K: PUKE.) Bella is so disoriented because apparently this is all supposed to be a big deal. Plus, she thought her power was skipping her awkward baby vampire phase. Could she have… TWO super powers? Or maybe she’s just extra good at being a baby vampire because of her “focus and attitude.” Because if we’ve learned anything about Bella across four books, it is definitely that she has a great attitude.

Kate (idk, a vampire) asks if Bella can project her skill. Bella isn’t sure, so Kate is quick to say that it’s totally okay if she can’t because it’s v difficult and she’s been working on it for years. No way Bella’s gonna learn it over the next couple of chapters, right?

Bella starts getting panicky about wanting to protect Edward and Renesmee and demands to be taught how to project RIGHT NOW. She grabs Kate as she makes this demand, and Kate confirms that Bella’s definitely a shield because her power is being a person-sized taser. Bella didn’t feel a thing. Kate starts explaining how her power works and how she’s managed to project the electricity all over her body.

K: I would 100% use this power all the time on public transport. Particularly in peak hour. NO MORE STANDING IN PEOPLE’S SWEATY ARMPITS MWAHAHAHAHAHA.

Mari: After violently demanding to be taught this information, (the projection, not the electrocuting people on public transport) Bella only half-listens because her third power is ignoring other women because ew, are they talking about Edward or not? (K: My page post-it says “Too good to listen to anyone else, huh?”)

Bella keeps thinking about how useful it would be to be able to project, and tunes back into the conversation when she realizes that Edward and Eleazar are speaking. They have penises, so she can listen now. Except she doesn’t know what they are mysteriously whispering about. Imagine, having your main character and narrator standing RIGHT THERE, but having her randomly zone out of a conversation she initiated only so she can jump back into the conversation a minute later but suddenly it’s A MYSTERY. WHAT ARE EDWARD AND ELEAZAR TALKING ABOUT?

Annie: Also bullshit, because aren’t vamps supposed to have super vamp-hearing? Wouldn’t amazing and special vamp-Bella then have the best ever vamp-hearing? (K: She could hear fucking cars on the distant freeway and dust floating in the air when she woke up as a vampire. I wish I didn’t remember this.) But she can’t hear Edward and Eleazar who are standing next to her? I take back what I said earlier about Stephenie being able to kinda manage a tiny bit of consistency in her story-telling. No points for her.

Mari: Thankfully, even when the drama is so cheaply constructed, Meyer doesn’t know how to sustain it, so we learn in the next paragraph that it’s super weird that so many Volturi are taking a month to come punish them. It’s happened before, but not often, so Eleazar has noticed a pattern. Aro has made a habit of accusing covens of some unpardonable offense when he wants someone from that coven. He would then kill everyone except the special vamp and then some vampire named Chelsea would use her gift to convince this vampire they loved the Volturi. (K: Chelsea is so not a vampire name and for some reason I find it HILARIOUS.) Eleazar is pacing in the background this whole time just so we understand, again, how super important this is okay. Tanya is worried Chelsea could use her power to break the bonds in their coven, but Eleazar is like, “well, no because, um, love, and we drink animals and love and stuff.” So, I hope that’s cleared up for everyone now.

The point is that Aro is coming to collect cool powers. Edward remembers how much Aro wanted Alice’s power. And then Bella remembers one of her unexplained visions (‘member those?) in which she saw Alice and Edward dressed as Volturi. Bella tells Edward that Aro wants him too, but he’s chill about it because no one would be able to make him do what he wouldn’t want to. Eleazar reminds him that he’s got weaknesses though, and looks pointedly at Bella.

Edward thinks the Volturi were just waiting for an excuse to come collect the Cullen powers they wanted. That’s why Alice was able to see them coming even before Irina called the Volturi to report the toddlerbaby. But if the plan was already made, we don’t really know why Alice didn’t see it when it was made. But okay.

Carlisle can’t believe the super creepy murdering Volturi are abusing power this way! (K: REALLY, CARLISLE? Aren’t you meant to be the smart one??) Eleazar says it doesn’t matter because no other vamps would believe them and no one can beat them. Kate snits about being insane enough to try. Edward reminds everyone that the plan is to use their words and convince the super creepy murdering vampires who used an excuse to mobilize their entire murder squad on a month-long transcontinental tour to just be cool. Everyone looks at him like

Bella hears a car approaching and assumes it’s Charlie.

Annie: SHE HEARS A CAR APPROACHING BUT NOT THE WORDS THAT PEOPLE STANDING RIGHT BY HER ARE SAYING. 

Sorry. I’m still mad about this bullshit contrivance.

Mari: Edward puts on a “distant voice” and “far away” eyes and stares blankly at the door and announces that it’s Peter and Charlotte. Alice has sent them after all, so it’s time to get ready for the next round.

Thankfully, the next round ain’t my round. See ya.

K: -____-

 

Next time on Breaking Dawn: The next round in Chapter 32.