Previously: James Corden guest starred, the Doctor was good at football, and Amy got stuck in the TARDIS. She also found her engagement ring though, so…there’s that?
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The Pandorica Opens
K: Most unfairly, the episode starts with Vincent van Gogh, sobbing and wailing in 1890. His newly finished “For Amy” sunflower painting is in the background. (D: TOO SOON) (K: SRSLY) His doctor is concerned, but his landlady is too busy staring at his latest bonkers artwork to care.
Cut to the Cabinet War Rooms in 1941. Bracewell (remember him?) is looking at a painting. He tells Churchill that it’s a genuine van Gogh, found in an attic in France. Churchill’s all “Cool story, why do I care?” Bracewell tells him that it’s a message and he’s clearly supposed to deliver it.
Cut to the Stormcage Containment Facility in 5145. A phone rings. The guard answers it and is all “The Doctor?” River jumps up in her cell and demands the phone. She takes it, expecting the Doctor but LOL NOPE it’s Churchill. Apparently phoning the time vortex doesn’t always work, but contrivance has allowed the TARDIS to reroute the call?? IDEK, just go with it. (M: Don’t we always have to?)
River tells Churchill to talk fast because the connection won’t last long. (D: The time vortex must use AT&T.) Her eyes widen as she listens to what he has to say. The call ends, and the guard demands the phone back. River pulls something out of her cleavage and asks the guard if he’s new. He is. It’s his first day. She apologises to him, pulls him towards the bars, and kisses him.
An alarm blares and a team of guards rushes towards River’s cell. When they get there, they find Newbie Guard in the cell. He’s got his gun out, and tells them that River tried to use her hallucinogenic lipstick on him but LOL SILLY DOCTOR SONG, THAT WON’T WORK HERE. The other guards give him side eye because he’s pointing his gun at a little stick figure drawing of River with a speech bubble that says “Bye!”
The Maldovarium, 5145. River’s sitting at a table drinking cocktails with a blue skinned guy. I can’t remember if we’ve met him before or not? (M: He looked hella familiar…) Regardless, I’mma call him Blue Man Group because reasons. Anyway, he says that the word around the place is that she’s looking for time travel. He can provide her with “A vortex manipulator, fresh off the wrist of a handsome Time Agent.” (Do we think this is a Jack reference? I think this is a Jack reference.)
Blue Man Group asks what she’ll give him in exchange, and she pulls off one of her earrings and says it’s a magical doodad (I would rewind and get the proper name but I don’t care) (D: Pretty sure “magical doodad” is 10x better than whatever it really was, anyway) that will disarm microexplosives, just like the kind she put in his wine. He stares at his wine glass, then glares at her.
TARDIS. Amy stares at her newly discovered engagement ring. She’s about to try it on when the Doctor sticks his head into the frame and starts Doctor-yelling about how he can’t believe he’s never thought of this before and how they’re now on the oldest planet in the universe and how it’s meant to have the first writing ever, carved into diamond cliffs in letters 50 feet high and no one’s ever been able to translate them before but the TARDIS can translate everything hahahaha aren’t I clever we’re going to find out what it says.
Marines: I love that you can add hahahaha aren’t I clever to 99% of what the Doctor says and it would fit.
Dani: Followed shortly thereafter by AND THEN THEY DIED 99% of the time.
K: You are not wrong.
They head out the door, and the Doctor gets disapproving grumpy face because the cliff says “HELLO SWEETIE”. No one ask why the TARDIS doesn’t translate the random string of Greek letters underneath, yeah? Cool. Amy, on the other hand, thinks it’s great. The Doctor gets a reluctant half smile.
Cut to the TARDIS vworping onto a hillside. The Doctor says he followed the coordinates on the cliff face. They’re in Britain, 102AD. (Sidenote: as somebody with an archaeology degree, a field where BCE and CE are the approved terms, it annoys me a lot that the Doctor – who can see all of time and space – uses Christian terminology. BUT I DIGRESS.)
There’s a Roman legion camped in front of them. Amy’s thrilled because the Roman invasion was her favourite topic at school on account of Britain got invaded by hot Italian men. A soldier runs up to them and yells “HAIL CAESAR!” before kneeling in front of the Doctor and gushing about how honoured they are by his presence. Amy’s all “Uhhhh. Whut?” which is fair. “Cleopatra will see you now,” says the soldier. Amy and the Doctor exchange eyebrows of excitement.
Obviously, Cleopatra is River, sporting a truly terrible crimped black wig. She greets them with the obligatory “Hello sweetie” and the Doctor grumbles about how she graffitied the oldest cliff face in the universe. “You wouldn’t answer your phone,” she replies. She hands him the painting from Vincent, saying that Vincent had visions and she thought the Doctor should know about this one. “Doctor, what is this?” Amy says, staring at the painting.
Seven minutes and nine seconds in, we finally see this ridiculous painting, and it’s a Starry Night style painting of the TARDIS exploding.
DOO WEE OOO!
After the credits, our intrepid trio are galloping around on horseback. Then we cut back to them studying the painting. River says it might not literally be about the TARDIS exploding, that it might be a warning. She points out that there are coordinates and dates on the door. The Doctor asks if it has a title. “The Pandorica Opens,” River says, earning herself a gold star.
The Doctor grabs a bunch of maps. River scoffs that the Pandorica won’t be on a map. The Doctor grins and says that if you’re burying the most dangerous thing in the universe, you’d want to remember where you put it. Back to the galloping. The camera pulls back to reveal that they’re galloping towards Stonehenge because of course they are.
Dani: I’m really not a fan of the editing in this episode, especially all these back-and-forth scene jumps. Why didn’t the coordinates put them at Stonehenge to begin with? Did the BBC just have an excess horse budget that needed spending?
K: Super important questions that will never, ever be answered.
They run into the centre of the circle and the Doctor starts sonic-ing things. Amy asks why Stonehenge isn’t new. River side eyes her a little and says that it was already old and that no one knows exactly how old Stonehenge is. Amy’s all “Okay but last time we saw you, you warned us about the Pandorica” and River’s all “Uh, rude. SPOILERS”. Amy can’t quite understand the whole River’s-going-the-opposite-way-to-them thing. (M: Do we blame her?)
River says there were definitely energy weapons discharged on the site. The Doctor says if the Pandorica is buried there and contains the mightiest warrior in history, half the galaxy would want it and there might be a huge fight. He listens to a rock and Amy gives him side eye.
Suddenly, it’s night. River uses a magic technological doodad to float the rock out of the way, revealing a staircase going down into the earth. “The Underhenge…” the Doctor says. He pulls out his sonic and heads down the stairs. Somewhere nearby, the decapitated head of a Cyberman twitches. Seriously? Three time travellers go to Stonehenge to look for a mysterious box that’s bound to start galactic wars and NO ONE THINKS TO LOOK AROUND FOR DEAD THINGS???? Whatever.
Our little gang head deeper underground. The Doctor uses the sonic to light a torch on fire?? Is that a thing the sonic can do now??? (D: That should come in handy with all the wooden doors it supposedly can’t “do”) River uses his flaming torch to light another torch and they see a huge door in front of them, with a big wooden beam across it. Somehow, the Doctor is able to remove the beam with one hand?? Pur-leeze. Matt Smith has wet spaghetti noodles for arms. He grins and pushes the door open.
“It’s a Pandorica!” he says excitedly. (M: He should probably say sorry for being all FAKE FAKE FAKE when River tried to tell him it was real.) In case you were wondering, it’s a big ol’ metal box with circular carvings on the front. He walks towards it and stands on a nice crunchy Cyberman arm. He ignores that and walks up to the Pandorica, examining it as he speechifies. I’m going to just give you the whole thing because a) easier and b) I feel it’s kind of adjacent to the Anvil of Obvious Storytelling and I need the opinion of others:
“There was a goblin, or a trickster, or a warrior. A nameless, terrible thing, soaked in the blood of a billion galaxies. The most feared being in all the cosmos. And nothing could stop it, or hold it, or reason with it. One day it would just drop out of the sky and tear down your world.”
Dani: Yeah, this doesn’t ring any bells at all, no sir …
Amy asks how it ended up in the box, and the Doctor says that a good wizard tricked it in there, just like all fairytales. River says she hates good wizards in fairytales because they always turn out to be the Doctor. I eyeroll more than a little.
Mari: Honestly, how many times now have they said that the Pandorica contains the strongest, best, powerful thing in the world? If anyone is surprised where this is going, they haven’t been listening to Eleven gloat for an entire season.
K: SERIOUSLY.
Amy asks if the Pandorica is anything like Pandora’s Box, full of all the worst things in the world. She says it was her favourite book as a kid, and the Doctor gets suspicious face because Roman Britain was her favourite school topic and now they have something relevant to her favourite book. “Never ignore a coincidence. Unless you’re busy…” he says.
River asks the Doctor if he can open the Pandorica. He says he definitely can, but he’d rather know what’s inside first. Apparently it’s a moot point though, because the Pandorica is opening anyway, like it’s being unlocked from the inside. River says they have hours at most. The Doctor marvels at the level of fear that went into making the box and wonders what could possibly inspire so much fear. “Hello, you. Have we met?” he whispers to it.
Amy asks how Vincent could possibly know about it because he won’t be born for centuries. The Doctor sonics some stuff and says Stonehenge is sending out a signal to everyone, everywhere that the Pandorica is opening. Everyone including Vincent. (D: Yeah, but … it’s sending the message in the year 120CE, so Amy’s question is still valid. And unanswered.) (K: Archaeologist approved bonus points for using CE) River wants to know who else EVERYONE includes. The Doctor gets “OH SHIT” face. He and River rush around doing future tech things and somehow end up discovering that there are at least 10,000 starships around Earth. Possibly a million. It’s hard to tell. Amy freaks. Legit, girl.
The Doctor wants to know what kind of starships they are. “Maintaining orbit!” croaks a Dalek voice. Amy and River freak. The Doctor tries frantically to come up with a terrible plan. While he’s rambling, River discovers that there are Cyberman ships out there too. And Sontarans. And a whole bunch of others, of which I only recognise Slitheen and Zygon.
“They’re all here. For the Pandorica,” she says. The Doctor’s all “WTF HOW DO I NOT KNOW WHAT’S IN THIS BIG STUPID BOX??” He rushes back up the tunnel to the surface, River and Amy trailing behind him. They stare up at the sky, which is basically Fox Mulder’s wet dream. (D: hahaha, A+) Amy panics. River says that everything that ever hated the Doctor is here, so he should probably…not be. He basically ignores her and pulls out some binocular-y things. He peers through them and says “The greatest military machine in the history of the universe…” Amy’s all “The Daleks?” But no. It’s the Romans, apparently. (M: …okay.) (D: suddenly the phrase “the history of the universe” seems less impressive.) (K: Doesn’t it just?!)
River returns to the Roman camp, but while they’ve been gone, the commander’s returned and he happens to know that Cleopatra is in Egypt and also dead. River asks what the barbarians think of Romans when they invade, and the commander proudly shouts that it’s more than their tiny brains can handle. River pulls out her blaster and evaporates a cabinet. She tells him that they’re all barbarians now, and that there’s a man who’s going to need their help tonight.
The commander is all “U WOT M8?” but someone standing in the shadows of the tent doorway volunteers his services. The music gets all tense so that we know this is a Significant Moment.
Back to the Pandorica. Amy wants to know what it’s got to do with the TARDIS. The Doctor basically shrugs because he’s too busy trying to work out how to extend the Pandorica’s protective force fields over all of Stonehenge. Amy pulls her engagement ring out again, and asks the Doctor about it. He says it’s a memory of a friend of his, someone he lost.
Amy takes it back and says it’s weird and it feels…something. The Doctor tells her that sometimes people fall out of the world and leave a whole lot of traces behind that we can’t account for. “Nothing is ever forgotten, not completely. And…if something can be remembered, it can come back,” he says. I would like to solidly counter that by saying that I have 100% forgotten everything I ever learnt about calculus and that even if I think REALLY REALLY HARD, it’s not going to come back.
Mari: I would really love to forget everything about Fifty Shades and have it never come back. That’s only a little related, but I wanted to make that general wish known. Again.
Dani: Sorry, but your Inner Goddess and your Subconscious had a meeting, and that shit’s staying FOREVER.
K: Sorry, Mari…
Amy’s eyes widen as she stares at the ring while he talks. Then she snaps the ring box shut and asks what his friend was like. He says nothing for a second, then starts wibbling about how her house was too big and that’s why he took her away from her life. They’re interrupted by the busted up Cyberman arm on the floor shooting at them. They take cover behind the Pandorica until the Doctor decides he needs to get a better look at what’s attacking them. So he jumps out and yells “LOOK AT ME, I’M A TARGET!”
Dude. Stop.
Anyway. He realises it’s a Cyberman arm and that as the man part of the Cyberman has long died, it’s looking for “fresh meat“. Ew. He has Amy run out to draw its fire, then leaps on top of the arm and sonics it into submission. He tells Amy to stay where she is because the arm might be bluffing. She scoffs and steps towards him and he shouts at her to stay put. Aah yes. Shouty Eleventh Doctor. My least favourite Eleventh Doctor.
Dani: If Fifty Shades taught me anything, it’s that something bad will soon happen in order to tacitly “justify” his shouty abusiveness as “protectiveness.”
K: Highly likely. Amy snippily backs away only to have something grab her by the ankle. Just then, the arm electrocutes the Doctor and he collapses. (D: Called it.) Amy looks down and discovers that the Cyberman head that was up the top by the entrance has somehow sprouted little cable-y tentacles and crawled its way down to grab her?? The tentacles wrap around her arms and the front of the head splits open to dump a manky old skull onto her. Amy screams (legit) and starts bashing the head against the wall. It lets go and she backs off.
So it shoots her with a tranquiliser dart and says “You will be assimilated“. Amy jokingly says “Yeah? You and whose body?” so of course a headless one armed Cyberman body stomps its way into frame. It reattaches its head, then stomps towards an increasingly groggy Amy. She backs out through the big doors and yells for the Doctor.
The Cyberman bangs on the door repeatedly, then the banging stops. Amy leans towards the door and suddenly a Roman short sword stabs through the door. Amy backs away as the door swings open and reveals the Cyberman, dead and pinned to the door. “Who are you?” Amy says to the Roman centurion in the background. He steps forward and removes his helmet. “Hello, Amy,” says Rory (!!!!!!!!!! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH, RORY, OMG).
Mari: Genuinely the best thing about the rewatch of this season, to be honest. Welcome back, friend.
Dani: !!!!RORY!!!!!!!
Amy faints. He catches her and lays her down gently. The Doctor rushes in and sonics her, confirming that she’s just sedated. He’s appalled to hear that they only have fifty Romans rather than a whole legion. Rory says it was a tough sell. “Yes, I know that, Rory. I’m not exactly one to miss the obvious!” he says, still not having really realised that IT’S RORY.
The Doctor grabs a stash of Cyberman weapons and starts rambling about how this is basically a sentry box and says that the Cyberman was probably a Celt. Rory tries to chime in, but the Doctor shushes him, saying “I’m missing something obvious, Rory! Something big, something right slap in front of me. I can feel it!” He’s right up in Rory’s face as he says this, still missing the obvious. Rory basically eye rolls forever. Same, dude. Same.
The Doctor heads towards the stairs with his armload of Cyberman weapons, and Rory’s basically going “Five, four, three, two, OH LOOK REALISATION HAS DAWNED” in his head. (D: Rory in this scene reinforces why I missed/love him so much.) The Doctor returns and is all awkward and “how’ve you been?” small talky.
Thankfully, the Doctor’s saved from answering by the Pandorica clunking and glowing green as it starts to open. Rory rushes upstairs to the rest of his troops and they all stare in horror as the sky fills with spaceships. River calls the Doctor and says he’s surrounded and she hopes he has a plan. He tells her to get the TARDIS here because he needs equipment. She eye rolls and rides off into the night.
The Doctor asks the Pandorica what it is, then rushes up to the surface. He jumps on a rock, and yells “HELLO STONEHENGE!” into a futuristic megaphone. He yells at all the spaceships to stay still because it’s very distracting and he’s talking. How very like a privileged white man.
His plan is basically… to tell them all that he has the Pandorica and they don’t and to remember all the times he’s beaten them in the past and to let someone else try to take the Pandorica from him first?? He shouts all of that and they all just… leave?? The music gets very dramatic, completely overlooking the fact that it’s REALLY FUCKING STUPID AND I HATE IT.
Dani: I mean … I love Doctor Who, I really do. But a part of me REALLY wanted every circling spaceship to just put an end to the posturing and grand-standing already. When your audience shouts “THIS IS SO DUMB JUST FUCKING SHOOT HIM!!!!” it maaaaaaay be time to rethink your approach to your protagonist’s character.
K: Preeeeeeeeeeeeeeeetty much.
Meanwhile, River’s in the TARDIS. She pulls some levers and doodads and it takes off, but with a sickly sort of sound. “What’s the matter with you?” she asks.
Back to Stonehenge. Rory asks what the hell they do now, and the Doctor’s like “Dunno”. Basically, if he can stop the Pandorica opening, they’ll all go away. This is a terrible plan because he has no idea how to do that. Then he looks serious and tells Rory that he has to be very very brave. Amy staggers over to the Doctor complaining about her head. He tells her she’s fine as Rory shuffles around excitedly in the background. The Doctor tells Amy to go get some air. She turns and notices Rory and is all “Oh, hey! You’re the sword guy! Good job, kthxbye” and walks off. “She doesn’t remember me. How can she not remember me?” Rory says to the Doctor. “Because you never existed...” the Doctor says sadly.
TARDIS. (Okay, so you guys? I am currently filled with rage because when I wrote this recap WEEKS ago, this is the point at which my computer momentarily lost access to the internet and apparently my recap of the remaining 17 minutes and 18 seconds of this episode got lost in the void and I had no idea until Mari told me a couple of hours ago and now I want to cry because THAT IS LITERALLY A THIRD OF THE EPISODE.
Right. Lemme put on my big girl pants and recap this shit for the second time.) (M: When I got here, I had a sympathy cringe. I’ve been there, friend. I’m sorry.) (D: you deserve ALL the alcohol, sweetie)
The TARDIS is being wonky af. River’s all “???”
Pandorica. The Doctor is sonic-ing it, wondering aloud about the cracks in time and the big explosion that’s going to happen in the future. Rory asks what exploded and the Doctor has a whole string of flashbacks of exploding TARDIS bits and Amy’s time being the base code of the universe.
Rory asks how he managed to fall through time and end up never being born, and the Doctor basically shrugs. Then he asked what happened, from Rory’s perspective. Rory says that he was dying and then he was here, as a Roman soldier with a “head full of Roman… stuff.” He was starting to think Amy and the Doctor were a dream, right up until the point where the other soldiers in the camp started talking about visitors and “the girl with the red hair.” Uh. Rory. Honey. There’s more than one girl with red hair in all of time and space. Juuuuuuuust saying… (D: Srsly. Now if they’d said “the girl with the tight pants and leather jacket” …) (K: Even then, she could have been Celtic, tbh)
He sad pandas for a bit, and the Doctor tells him to STFU then tosses Rory the box containing Amy’s engagement ring and tells him to go get her. Rory says he doesn’t understand why he’s there. The Doctor looks at him and says “Because you are. The universe is big. It’s vast and complicated and ridiculous, and sometimes, very rarely, impossible things just happen and we call them miracles, and that’s the theory. Nine hundred years, never seen one yet, but this would do me.” Then he sends Rory off in search of Amy.
TARDIS. Everything grinds to a halt. River’s all “U OK?” and bangs on a display screen full of static before giving up and rushing outside. After she goes, the display screen resolves itself, letting us know that we’re on Earth on 26th June 2010 – the base code of the universe. Then the screen breaks, that standard season 5 crack-in-the-wall appearing across it. “Silence will fall,” says a creepy voice. (D: Dafuq???)
Meanwhile, River’s investigating outside. “Why have you brought me here?” she asks the TARDIS. Shockingly, it doesn’t answer. Her magic scanner doohickey buzzes over some burn marks in the grass. She heads into the house which – OMG WHAT I DID NOT SEE THIS COMING AT AAAAAAAAALL – is Amy’s house. The front door’s been smashed in. River heads upstairs to Amy’s bedroom. Her torch pans across Little Kid Amy’s dolls of herself and the Doctor and basically rolls her eyes. Then she finds a book by Amy’s bed. A book about Roman Britain. The soldier on the cover is the commander of the Roman camp from earlier. Sitting under it is a book about Pandora’s Box. “Oh no,” she whispers.
Back to Roman Britain. Rory finds Amy standing on her own, wrapped in a blanket. Rory gets all jealous when he finds out that one of the other soldiers gave her a blanket. I give zero fucks about this because I ran out of fucks the first time I recapped this scene hahahaha RIP my brain cells. Amy asks what his name is, and when he tells her, she starts to cry but has no idea why.
Pandorica. The Doctor contacts River on some kind of magical space cell phone?? IDK, you guys. He says he needs the TARDIS, like, now. She tells him to stay calm and listen.
Amy and Rory. Rory asks Amy what’s wrong, and she says “It’s like I’m happy!” Then she cries because she’s happy and she doesn’t know why and it’s freaking her out.
Mari: I get she’s gone through trauma, but this is #teamfeels like on a random Tuesday, just sayin’.
Dani: Guys, I’ve been going through the same thing Amy has (crying for no apparent reason) for like 5-7 days a month, EVERY month. Do you think it’s because my soul mate has fallen through time, too??
K: It’s the only possible explanation.
River. She tells the Doctor that the soldiers aren’t real, they can’t be because they’re the exact ones from Amy’s book. He says that something’s using Amy’s psychic residue to access her memories. Wait, does this mean that someone can access my memories of reading Harry Potter and make me believe that I’m actually there, surrounded by all the characters? Because SIGN ME THE FUCK UP. (Partly so that I can kick Severus Snape down every flight of stairs in the whole of Hogwarts and explain to Dumbledore the importance of background checks for teaching staff.)
Mari:
Aaaaaaaaaaanyway. River asks what the soldiers are, and the Doctor says they’re duplicates. But duplicates so good that they don’t know they’re duplicates, right up until the moment they’re activated. River no longer cares because she just found a photo of Amy and Rory at a costume party, tucked inside the pages of the book. She’s in her policewoman costume, and he’s dressed as a Roman centurion.
Rory and Amy. She cries some more, and strokes his face even though she has no idea why she’s doing it. “It’s me. Amy, it’s me. Please!” Rory says.
TARDIS. Something goes bang. The Doctor demands to know what’s happening. River says there’s something weird happening with the engines. She says it’s like something else is controlling the TARDIS. He insists that she’s flying it wrong because HAHAHAHA WOMEN DRIVERS AMMIRITE.
Dani:
Amy and Rory. She cries some more as she insists that she’s never seen him before in her life. She demands to know why she’s crying. Rory says it’s because she remembers him.
River tells the Doctor that something else is flying the TARDIS. He doesn’t understand how it’s possible. Just then, the Pandorica makes a screechy noise. All the Romans – including Rory – slump over, then mechanically buzz upright again. They’ve been activated.
Meanwhile, the Doctor is yelling at River to JUST. LAND. THE. TARDIS. He seems to think that she can stop all the cracks in the universe just by landing the TARDIS. Seems sketchy but okay. The Pandorica starts to open. The Doctor basically loses all interest in his phone call with River and says “Ready to come out now, are we?”
On the surface, Rory is screaming “No! No, please no!” as all around him Romans start marching off into the darkness. “I’m not going! I’m Rory!” he shouts.
TARDIS. More things explode. River does an emergency landing. The Doctor tells her to GTFO because the second there’s no one inside, the TARDIS’ engines will shut down automatically. She runs towards the doors.
Meanwhile, the Romans’ hands are falling open to reveal guns inside. Aaaaah, Ninth Doctor flashbacks. I miss Nine and his big stupid ears… Anyway, the Romans are basically the same as the shop dummies. They march towards the Doctor. He doesn’t notice because he’s too busy sonic-ing the Pandorica.
River yells that she can’t open the doors. The Doctor glances up and notices the Romans. He yells for Amy. On the surface, Robot Rory screams at her to run because he’s a thing and he’s going to kill her. She stays where she is, crying. Robot Rory cries out in pain that he doesn’t want to go and says again that he’s Rory. “Williams,” Amy chimes in. “Rory Williams from Leadworth. My boyfriend. How could I ever forget you?” Rory cries and begs her to run before he hurts her. Amy grabs him and says that he’s never going anywhere ever again.
River yells that she’s only got seconds left and she can’t get the doors open. She needs help. But the Doctor’s pinned between two Robot Romans. He asks them what’s in the Pandorica and DUDE. HOW ARE YOU SO STUPID. THIS IS SO OBVIOUS.
Dani: SERIOUSLY, Doctor.
A Robot Roman says that the Pandorica is ready. The Doctor’s all “What? It’s open?” From behind him, a Dalek says “You have been scanned. Assessed. Understood. Doctor.” He turns in time to see two other shiny painted Daleks poof into existence on either side of the first one. It’s all very melodramatic but all I can think of is A Knight’s Tale.
K: Personally, I’d rather be watching almost anything (not Twilight though)Amy and Rory. She tells him to show her the ring, the one he’d never let her wear because he thought she’d lose it. He groans in pain and she snaps at him to show it to her. Shakily he pulls out the ring box and she smiles.
Pandorica. The Doctor’s all “Uhhhhh. Whut?” The Daleks tell him that his “limits and capacities have been extrapolated“. A bunch of Cybermen appear, followed by Judoon and Slitheen. A Slitheen commander yells that the Pandorica is ready. “Ready for what?” the Doctor asks. “Ready for you,” the Daleks reply. Oh no. What a shock. I had no idea this was coming.
Inside the Pandorica is a chair with all kinds of restraints attached to it. In possibly his best moment of acting all season, the Doctor tries to scuffle backwards away from it. But the Robot Romans drag him forwards.
Amy and Rory. “There is it. You remember. This is you. And you are staying,” she tells him. Rory cries as his hand flips open. “No…” he says tearfully. A shot rings out. Amy gasps and hugs him tightly as Rory breaks down, crying “No!” as Amy struggles to breathe.
We’re treated to a slow motion scene accompanied by soothing classical music as we sweep across River surrounded by sparks as she tries to get out of the TARDIS. Then the same with the various alien species, gathered to watch as the Doctor is imprisoned in the Pandorica. He fights every step of the way. Then Rory as Amy collapses. Back to the Doctor, fighting as he’s secured in the Pandorica.
He’s baffled that all these species, traditional enemies, came together as a team to do something like this. “How is this possible?” he asks. They tell him that the cracks in the skin of the universe threaten all species and all universes. He still thinks they’ve come to him for help. LOL U WOT M8? ARE YOU THICK??? YOU ARE IN A FUCKING PRISON BOX.
Mari: Shhh, he’s the smartest person in time and space, don’t worry about it.
K: His enemies basically repeat the LOL U WOT M8 part. They’ve determined that the Doctor will destroy the universe so they’re here to protect it from him. The Doctor insists they’ve got it wrong. He says the cracks in the universe aren’t because of him, they’re because of the TARDIS. Which he’s not in. The Daleks say that only the Doctor can pilot the TARDIS, which clearly means that they’ve been paying attention literally never.
The Doctor cries as he begs them to listen to him, that the TARDIS is exploding at this exact moment and he’s the only one who can stop it. But they give zero fucks and seal the Pandorica. The tinkly orchestra rises to a dramatic crescendo as River finally gets the doors open. But she’s parked up against a giant stone wall of some description. “I’m sorry, my love...” she says. The TARDIS explodes.
We cut back to Rory, holding Amy’s dead body. Then the camera pans out and out and out. All over the universe, galaxies wink out of existence, and the Earth is left alone in the darkness. TO BE CONTINUED.
It’s always hard to judge two parters on the first part. (M: We say, always.) But personally? As much as I LOVED seeing Rory back again, almost everything about the big reveal here was predictable. Like…it’s a giant box in the ground that no one’s ever heard of before and the Doctor is OBSESSED WITH IT. Obviously it’s going to be a giant Doctor-sized trap.
But also, there’s literally no tension around River and the exploding TARDIS. Because, like, we’ve already seen her die back in season 4. We KNOW for a fact this isn’t when she dies. So… we know nothing is going to happen to her? I mean, I guess *she* doesn’t know that she’s not going to die. But pff. Whatever.
Next time on Doctor Who: The Doctor and the TARDIS are gone. Who will save us? S05 E13 – The Big Bang.
I'm a 30-something librarian and I still live with my parents because I'm super broke. Leader of Team Heartless Cow. I have an inexplicable love for 90s television, eat too much chocolate, and read more than is good for me.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
I’m a serial procrastinator and a genuinely terrible singer, and if anyone knows how to monetize either of these skills please hit me up. In my spare time, I like to study Dutch painters, Italian architecture, and Canadian bacon.
