Charmed S03 E13 – An evil pancreas.

Previously: A wrestling ring in hell I will never be able to unsee.
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Bride and Gloom

Marines: Phoebe is in her room, watching that old movie she likes so much. There was an episode about this movie that I remember enough that I momentarily thought I was watching the wrong episode. The movie is nearing its conclusion when Cole somehow shimmers into the movie to let Phoebe know that he’s back. For good. And the way he says it with that creepy smile makes it definitely sound like a bad thing. Mostly, because it is.

Jessica: It’s like, a more terrible version of FaceTime. No thank you!

Mari: I AM THE SAHN.

P^3. Prue walks out with Justin, her boring boyfriend. She says she has a good time, which seems to surprise Justin, because she was quiet all night. She claims to just have a lot on her mind. They agree to meet up for lunch the next day and kiss awkwardly goodbye. Of course, Prue could date no one… but lol.

Back inside, Prue finds Piper and Leo. Piper comments on the early end to her date and then presses Prue about bringing Justin to the wedding. Prue says he’s nice and stuff, but he’s predictable. Plus, a wedding invite makes a statement about the seriousness of the relationship. Leo says that’s another reason to have a small, quiet, private wedding. Piper says that’s a nice try, but they have a meeting with the wedding planner the very next day.

Piper heads off to the bathroom and we see that a man has been watching her. When she passes by, he pretends to be on the phone. Then, he shapeshifts to look like Piper. Back at the bar, Leo is telling his concerns to Prue. How can they have a normal wedding when a ghost is presiding and the groom is dead? Prue tells him to just go with it because all the womens want to get married and dream of their wedding. She sure has! And she’s the oldest, too, so she should’ve been the one to get married first.

Jessica: Oh no, is this going to be a recurring theme? It seems old-fashioned even for when this show first came out.

Mari: Everything about the P’s dating life is the worst.

Demon-Piper comes back to the bar and asks to borrow Prue’s lipstick. Prue is oddly confused by this, but passes it along anyway. (J: Her suspicion is disproportionately high for the level of request, and the guy even did a pretty decent imitation of Piper.) Demon-Piper takes it, leaves, and then shifts back into himself.

At the bar again, Leo asks Prue if maybe it’s time to let Phoebe off the hook for lying about her murdering boyfriend. Prue thinks not. Leo says that he doesn’t think Phoebe wants Cole back in her life. Prue thinks that’s a cool story, but Cole might still try to murder them all.

Altar, of some sort. The Shifter Demon kneels in front of the altar and a priestess, Dantalian, appears. She asks if Shifter got the thing. He did! And he’s sure it touched her lips, because he was watching her all night. Shifter asks what Dantalian gets out of helping him turn Prue evil. She claims to be a lowly servant of the Source, but when Dantalian presses, she admits having the Book of Shadows would be a neat prize. Shifter thinks that sounds like no sweat, but since evil can’t touch the book, it means that Prue has to turn evil so her sisters turn evil so the book turns evil, because their magic is all interconnected. First step though is to get Prue here so Dantalian can marry them. She puts a little potion-gloss on Shifter’s lips and tells him to kiss Prue. The potion-gloss will paralyze her, and then after the marriage, Prue will fall into a deep sleep where she will turn evil. Seems fake, because sleep is always the agent of good.

Jessica: Sleep is the best! If sleep is evil, then I might be evil.

Mari: Manor. Piper, Prue and Leo are meeting with the wedding planners. Leo is making snarky remarks while Piper stumbles over explaining how exactly their deceased mom will be in attendance. The phone rings, and Prue rushes to answer it. Piper and Leo excuse themselves to have a private chat. Leo thinks Piper is kidding herself with all this. Piper just doesn’t want to have to worry about anything, so that if they need to fight a demon by day, the flowers will still get there for the ceremony. (J: I mean, that’s pretty fair. A wedding is hectic enough, even without all the supernatural forces constantly – one might even say weekly – attempting to destroy you.) We cut back to Prue wrapping up her phone call, agreeing to meet Justin at lunch. Phoebe rushes by. Prue offers to drive her to school, where she claims she’s going, so they can talk. Put the whole Cole thing behind them. Phoebe is shifty and leaves because she’s obviously lying again, right at this moment.

Piper asks Prue if she’s overdoing it with the wedding. Prue avoids answering because she doesn’t want Piper to get mad at her. Plus, she’s off to meet Justin. Prue asks for her lipstick back, but Piper has no idea what she’s talking about. Prue is like HOKAY and just leaves them to their wedding arguments.

Phoebe meets Cole in that one mausoleum? I vaguely remember that maybe it belongs to Cole’s family or something? It matters very little. Cole comes out of the shadows and says he knew Phoebe would know where to find him. She punches him IN THE FACE and tells him that’s for ruining her favorite movie, oh yeah, and her life too.

She says that she came all this way to say she wants nothing to do with him. For some reason, Cole doesn’t buy that. He begs Phoebe to hear him out and sings his sad song about how he’s been on the run from the Source. He emphasizes how much he’s risked in order to be in her life and make it work. Phoebe says good and evil cannot work together. She’s learned her lesson on that front. Cole says he’s learned from his mistakes too. He can suppress his demonic side now. Phoebe says it’s too late and leaves.

Justin meets Prue at lunch. He kisses her hand and orders a fancy wine and talks about how non-predictable he is. Prue is surprised, but not suspicious. Obviously. (J: I mean, it’s no lipstick ask.)

Phoebe gets back home and finds Justin waiting outside. He’s here to pick Prue up. Phoebe leads him inside and yells for Piper, asking where Prue is. Piper assumes Prue is at the restaurant already. Justin is confused. Phoebe asked if he didn’t call this morning to change the plans then. Justin says no. The sisters exchange a look.

Back at lunch, Shifter Justin encourages Prue to drink, even though she has to go back to work. (J: Is that how we know he’s evil? …I might be evil.) Prue gets a call from the Manor, but Justin encourages her to ignore it. “How important can it be?” he asks, and Prue, who deals with a life or death emergency every day decides YEAH. TOTES NOT IMPORTANT. and ignores the call.

Justin says their kiss to end their date last night was awkward, and he would like to try again. They lean across the table to kiss and their surroundings morph into Dantalian’s altar. (J: I really enjoyed the whooshy wind noises that went with it.) Prue finds that she’s paralyzed. Shifter sheds his Justin disguise and Dantalian arrives to deliver an awful line before a fade to black.

Manor. Phoebe is scrying for Phoebe but can’t find anything. The Book has nothing. What were they looking for in the Book? WHERE IS PRUE???

Jessica: I can see it now:

Piper: “Where is Prue?”

Book: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Mari: Leo orbs in and says he’s also got nothing.

They talk around not knowing anything, allowing them to make large logic leaps that lead them to conclude that a shape-shifting warlock has Prue alive somewhere, but he’s an upper level warlock who wants all their powers and is powerful enough to block her location from them. Well done, everyone! That was so easy! Leo clunkily adds that it’s too bad they killed that one demon bounty hunter! This gives Phoebe an ~idea~ and she excuses herself.

Jessica: She excuses herself like, immediately, with super shifty eyes. Fortunately, everyone is too distracted by PLOT to notice or be too suspicious.

Mari: Prue is now wearing evil black, and she’s asleep on the altar. (J: Honestly, it’s a better look than that weird sheer patterned shirt she had on earlier…) Dantalian covers her face with a black veil. She performs the ceremony to marry Prue and Shifter, and I wonder at the magi that allows you to marry a sleeping person? Dantalian says the transformation to evil will be complete come sundown. Shifter okay with waiting. Dantalian offers him a kiss in congratulations, which clearly poisons him. WHY WOULD HE ACCEPT THAT KISS KNOWING– you know what? Never mind. Fine. (J: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯)

Phoebe visits the masoleum again and asks Cole for help, specifying that this definitely will not change anything between them. Cole asks for information on Prue’s kidnapping, and figures that the shifter warlock must be working with someone else– someone with the ability to hide their whereabouts in order to perform a ritual. Cole can ask around, but he risks being discovered. Cole asks if saving Prue is worth that cost. Phoebe is like, “yeah.” But before she leaves, she kisses Cole passionately. And then claims she has no idea where that came from. Cole says that if she doesn’t hear back from him, he got caught.

Back at the Manor, Piper is still flipping through the Book of Shadows. Leo asks why, if she wasn’t able to find anything in it. Piper says the book has gone weird, and she points out a killing spell that she thinks has potential. Leo is aghast. Piper doesn’t know where those murdery feelings came from. She blinks, warlock style, from the living room to the kitchen. Phoebe joins her, and Piper tells her she can blink too! And then they do, all over the house. Leo is v serious about how V SERIOUS this is. Blinking is a warlock’s power and the Book of Shadows is going evil. The girls do not care and are getting more and more “evil” by the second.

The wedding planners arrive, just in time for Phoebe and Piper to take their new evil out for a spin. This includes turning the planners into a pig and freezing them in actual ice. Leo is still in the background saying things about fighting the evil and the power of three, until Phoebe turns him into a literal stick in the mud. (J: Leo clearly has no self-preservation skills.) The girls are having so much fun, and this is just the beginning. Back at the altar, Dantalian uncovers Prue’s face and also says this is just the beginning.

Those words in a Charmed episode are a THREAT.

Still at the manor, Phoebe and Piper are bored. They decide to find Prue so they can have evil power of 3. They turn the wedding planners back into people and kick them out of the manor with telekinesis. They turn Leo back into a metaphorical stick in the mud and keep shouting things at him about how fun being evil is. Leo gets a tinkle alarm from heaven. He explains that it was a message from TPTB(c): since the witches are evil now, they have relinquished their rights to a whitelighter. Leo tinkles away.

The girls are happy to be rid of him and decide to keep on with their plan to find Prue. But first, Phoebe says, she needs to change her clothing for maximum bad girling.

Jessica: Also what she is wearing is kind of wild, like a crocheted crop top sweater?

Mari: Yes.

Cole appears in Phoebe’s room with news that Prue is in grave danger. Phoebe is more about kissing, because she’s bad to the bone. Cole realizes that The Evil has reached Phoebe and tells her they can’t be in an evil relationship. Phoebe wants Belthazor back, and she starts kneeing Cole until he demons out. Piper calls out for Phoebe, allowing Cole to issue one final warning to protect the Book of Shadows and shimmer away.

Piper asks what’s going on. Phoebe lies and says she got a very loud premonition. The priestess is coming to the Manor.

Dantalian is chanting at her altar and the Book of Shadow glows. Dantalian appears in the attic and grabs the book, noting how easy it was. So, of course, Phoebe and Piper jump out to kick her and hold her at knife point. Dantalian won’t tell them where Prue is. Piper freezes Dantalian’s hand and then Phoebe smashes it. Dantalian screams in pain. They threaten her with more freeze and smash, but then Leo tinkles in, allowing Dantalian the second she needs to grab the book and disappear. (J: In a very dramatic somersaulting blink move.) Phoebe and Piper are pissed. Piper freezes Leo and they smash him into tiny dead pieces. (J: With a resounding “hiyah!” from Phoebe.) 

Dantalian is doing more altar things at her altar.

Phoebe convinces Piper that they still have to go find Prue, mostly so that Dantalian doesn’t steal the evil power of 3 away from them. They figure they can just think about Prue and blink to her. And they do, right before Dantalian finishes a spell about lots of pain and suffering. Dantalian sics Shifter Demon on the girls. I thought Shifter was dead. (J: I definitely thought he was dead.) I also don’t know why he would continue to help after the poison thing. 

Anyway, Shifter turns in a copy of Prue and then taunts the witches that now they don’t know who is who. One Prue says, “I love you,” and the other says, “you too.” Phoebe remembers that Cole told her evil can’t love, so the fake Prue is the one who said “you too” and not “I love you too.” Piper freezes the imposter and they shatter Shifter, breaking the marriage evil altar spell on Prue.

Jessica: But, wasn’t Prue evil then? And also, evil can like, manipulate and fake stuff and you know, LIE. Ok sorry, I’ll stop poking at the plot holes now. 

Mari: It’s for the best. Welcome to Charmed recaps.

All the girls are Good again and the Book of Shadows is back to normal. Piper freezes (but not with ice because GOOD!) Dantalian and then they quickly locate a vanquishing spell in the Book. Bye bye Dantalian.

Prue jokes about being the first one to get married after all, which reminds Piper that she killed her fiance. We cut back to the attic. Piper is crying. But then shock! Who could’ve seen! Leo tinkles in. He isn’t dead after all because all the evil the girls did was reversed. (J: Whew!) Everyone apologizes for being briefly evil, even though Phoebe says it was pretty fun to kill people, or whatever. Prue understands that. She says that if evil weren’t tempting, it wouldn’t exist. Somehow, this segues into Cole, and how boring Justin is? IDK, something about being a passed out bride convinced Prue that Justin is too boring to date.

Jessica: Well, he did not seem to concerned that someone had apparently lured his girlfriend out to a restaurant, since he hasn’t shown up since then, so I assume he just went home?

Mari: To be boring.

After her evil 20 minutes, Piper’s lesson learned is that she should definitely not have a wedding.

Piper suddenly remembers that premonition Phoebe claimed to have had. Phoebe tells them they wouldn’t believe her if she explained it more. She just leaves it at having gotten in touch with her evil side, something she will never do again.

Cut to Phoebe visiting Cole again. She tells him it’s not going to work because he’s evil, maybe not on the surface, or in his heart, but somewhere deep inside him, in the place that releases evil when you get kneed in the stomach multiple times. Or whatever. The point is that Phoebe turns him down. As she leaves, Cole says he’s most definitely not giving up.

Harassment and stalking count as evil, Cole.

Jessica: Especially if you have an evil pancreas.

 

Next time on Charmed: Phoebe gets trapped in a ghost town in s03 E14 – The Good, the Bad and the Curse.