Previously: Christopher returned grumble grumble grumble.
—
Nell: New Guest Recapper here! I’m Nell, and I love Gilmore Girls. I’ve seen the first six seasons multiple times, owned them on DVD, and occasionally still indulge in an episode or two on Netflix. I don’t talk about Season Seven.
I ship Luke/Lorelai, but I really don’t care for Dean as he becomes increasingly possessive over time, and our dear titular Girls never seem to understand how problematic he is. Which brings us to this S1 gem, “Star-Crossed Lovers and Other Strangers.” In which Dean takes Rory on a very romantic date and promptly shits the bed with his sense of entitlement. (A: Yeeeeeeep. #NeverDean.)
We open with a traveling shot of Stars Hollow, the Town With So Many Festivals I Can’t Even Imagine What Their Budget Must Be, and see all our regulars including Lor and Ror (I’m calling them that whenever they’re together. You can’t stop me.) helping out with setting up the Firelight Festival, which Miss Patty explains in a voiceover. Basically, the Connecticut version of Romeo and Juliet got lost in the woods one night, because they were dumb kids who didn’t bring any maps or compasses, and they found each other because the stars came out and enabled them to finally see where they were headed.
Ever since the night of the Literally Star- Crossed Lovers, the town has held a yearly winter festival in honor of them. Miss Patty then asks her class if they want to hear one of her show biz stories, and they respond with enthusiasm. Legit, because most stories of forbidden romance fly right over six-year-olds’ heads.
Annie: Seriously. Only Miss Patty would share a story about her cage dancing days with a group of 6-year-olds.
Nell: WHERE YOU LEAD, I WILL FOLLOW.
Dean is waiting for Rory’s bus and reading Anna Karenina, which he says he can’t get through for a lot of good reasons, i.e. the book is hella long and everyone’s surname is similar. I hear you. I could barely make it through Crime and Punishment.
As they walk to Doose’s Market, he asks Rory if she could possibly get out of this week’s Friday Night Dinner at the grandparents’. Rory laughs it off and says not even if she was in a coma, then Dean asks what if she told her grandmother that it was her “three month anniversary” with her boyfriend, who already made a bunch of plans for a romantic evening for the two of them?
Hold up. He made plans for their anniversary WITHOUT EVEN CONSULTING HER? Dean, romantic surprises are fun and all, but you did all this without any input from your girlfriend! Also, forgive me for being utterly lacking in the relationship department, but does the three month milestone REALLY call for an entire evening of romantic frivolity? Six months I get. But three?Also, they started dating in October on her birthday. So that would mean this is now January. Which makes the light winter wear even more ridiculous. YOU CALIFORNIANS KNOW NOTHING OF COLD.
Rory gapes about it being their three month anniversary already, which is a bit worrying because Dean was clearly doing a lot of planning in advance for this occasion, whereas she hasn’t even realized how much time has passed. But Dean manipu-flirts her into agreeing to try and get out of FND to go on their date.
That evening, Lorelai actually finds herself wanting to cook–or just make Hamburger Helper.
Rory asks her if she’s heard from Max, and Lorelai uses jokes to avoid answering.
Annie: This bugged me a bit. Lorelai, what the hell are you doing? Last ep, you were having balcony sex with Chris and now you’re mooning about Medina? I’d almost forgotten Max was a thing and now HERE WE ARE.
Nell: Right?! It’s like they conveniently remembered him for the Valentine’s Day-equivalent episode. Although I will take Max over Chris ANY DAY.
Rory then tells her about Dean and the Three Month Anniversary, and Lorelai’s happy for her but LOL NOPES at the thought of Emily Gilmore giving two shits about it. She calls her mom fully expecting her to insist that Rory attend dinner Friday, but surprisingly, Emily is perfectly chill and says that of course Rory can go on her date. Lorelai hangs up, stunned.
The next day is the day of the Festival. Lorelai is at work, where a swarm of horny couples has descended upon the Independence Inn and are making out everywhere. Dudes, YOU LITERALLY HAVE HOTEL ROOMS TO DO THIS IN. Lorelai makes understandably grossed-out faces and heads into the kitchen, interrupting Sookie and Jackson, and does not find coffee. Even Michel has a hot date that night, judging from his phone conversation. (Lorelai’s “So, how’s Mom?” was perfect.) Basically, everyone else in the state of Connecticut has an SO but Lorelai.
As Lorelai’s walking through the town square later that day, a gigantic fucking metal star crashes down at her feet. A random guy runs up to take it away and asks if she’s okay, making sure to add “That’s never happened before!” All I get from this is that A) The universe wants to kill Lorelai for being single, or B) This guy is really hoping she doesn’t sue for almost being crushed by a literal falling star.
At Luke’s, our favorite surly baseball-cap-wearer is not feeling the romantic vibes of the day, either. Miss Patty and Taylor are arguing over the historical accuracy of the bonfire, i.e. whether it was built to keep the lovers from freezing their butts off or for an agonizing death by self-immolation should their families find them. Bet the six-year-olds will never hear THAT version!
Lorelai comes in and she and Luke get their grump on.
Annie: They did not. But I think ASP would still write those jokes present-day, because she gives ZERO fucks.
Nell: She should give more.
Miss Patty and Taylor leave and Luke and Lorelai go back to their Season One version of obvious-to-everyone-but-them flirting. Lorelai’s cheering up and saying that she’s planning on hating whoever utters the phrase “Hey, how’s it going?” which SOUNDS LIKE SOMEONE’S CUE. A gorgeous redhead enters with a huge duffel bag and says that exact line. “Now that’s just too easy,” quips Lorelai without turning around.
Luke sees Gorgeous Redhead and pales. It’s “Rachel.” His ex-girlfriend who took off somewhere because small towns weren’t her thing. Lorelai and Rachel manage to pass the Bechdel test by chatting about the awesome things Rachel’s been doing in the Middle East, but Lorelai soon feels inadequate by comparison and awkwards away to let Rachel and Luke have a moment.
Friday night, Lorelai’s helping Rory get ready for her anniversary date that her own boyfriend didn’t let her help organize. Rory’s wearing a cute red dress and Lorelai’s brushing her hair while ranting about Luke and Rachel, and Rory has to object because her scalp’s getting yanked in the process. Lorelai fesses up that she’s lonely and missing Max, the guy she dumped due to her commitment issues, and that she even had a dream about him the other night.
Nell: That’s okay, so did the show up until now.
Lorelai makes a joke about Rory and Dean re-enacting the spaghetti-eating scene from Lady and the Tramp and asks Rory to save her a meatball. Lane comes by to gush with Rory about spending three whole months dating Dean. “That’s like one-sixty-fourth of your life!” She says without a trace of snarkiness. Oh, Lane. But she’s really just here to try and hide from the Firelight Festival, which her mom’s making her go to with another potential husband and his entire family. But Lorelai can’t let her stay, because she’s off to Friday Night Dinner.
At Gilmore Manor, Lorelai is awkward around her dad, whom she had a fight with in the previous episode. So she starts fiddling with some glass animals on a side table and nearly breaks a few, rambling the entire time, and finally sits down in silence. Emily comes in with a young man and introduces him to Lorelai. When he mentions that he’s sorry Rory isn’t there because he loves kids, Lorelai asks to speak to Emily in the kitchen.
Lorelai accuses Emily trying to set her up with Boring Guy. Emily, however, is unapologetic (as always) and says that Lorelai has poor taste in men. Lorelai insists that she doesn’t need her mom to set her up with anyone. Emily counters with “Your daughter is celebrating her three-month anniversary tonight. When was the last time you were in a relationship that lasted that long?” PAGE THE TRAUMA UNIT, WE’VE GOT A BURN VICTIM.
Lorelai’s speechless, Emily’s smug, and Lorelai has to take a second to shake that one off before going back to the dining room.
Annie: I know Emily can be really horrible, but I just love her.
Nell: She has her awesome moments.
At dinner, Boring Guy talks about how he decided to come back to Hartford as opposed to working in New York, and Richard can’t stop looking at him like “How the fuck are you SO BORING?!” The dinner drags on and Lorelai only perks up when he explains how he could determine exactly when Emily was going to die based on a few insurance questions. LOL. When he creepily asks Lorelai to join him in the living room, she panics and rushes upstairs under the guise of using the bathroom.
She goes into her old room, grabs her stuff and decides to exit the house via her balcony. Richard catches her halfway out of the window, and she freezes, but turns around and gives him a sincere apology for their fight, and how this must be bringing back a lot of Bad Teenage Lorelai memories but “please don’t make me go back down there, that guy is boring!”
Meanwhile, during the Three Month Anniversary, Rory and Dean are finishing up a dinner at a very swanky restaurant, and Rory is assuring Dean that the food was completely perfect and she’s a huge fan of the anniversary. He’s happy to hear it. The waiter comes by with desserts and a single meatball for Rory, who explains that “It’s a mother-daughter thing.” (Which might as well be the show’s catchphrase, really.) She takes a bite of the dessert and says that even if the entire night had sucked before, this would have made up for it. Legit. Desserts are awesome.
Then our lovebirds head out to the Firelight Festival, where the mayor is giving a speech about how he met his wife here thirty years ago on this very night. Dean throws Rory a meaningful look that she doesn’t quite catch. Everyone claps for the speech, but Rory tugs Dean away because this is the part where literally no one who came to a BONFIRE-RELATED event has brought any matches, so it’ll be a while before they officially get started.
Rachel walks through the Festival with a camera, taking pictures and seeming like she’s enjoying herself. She sits down on a bench with Luke and he asks her why she’s here. She tells him it was all impulsive and spur of the moment—literally “I was in the airport, a plane was leaving for Hartford and I just got on it.” It must be nice to have enough cash or frequent flyer miles to just choose a flight at random! #JustTVThings
Luke doesn’t seem like he’s buying it, understandably. But Rachel sticks to her story and goes to get some punch. Lorelai comes by three seconds later and sits with him, and he tells her that he doesn’t know if Rachel’s staying or if he wants her to. Lorelai looks a little relieved to hear that. LORELAI, PLEASE, YOU KNOW ALMOST NOTHING ABOUT THIS WOMAN. DON’T RUSH TO HATE HER JUST YET. We don’t care if she’s a humanitarian world traveler and you just upgraded your coffeemakers, you are both brilliant!
Lorelai decides to head home. After she leaves, Lane and her date group walk by in utter silence. It’s supposed to be funny because it’s her and the guy’s entire family walking right behind them, but this is the largest number of non-white characters we’ll see on this show until at least Season Five. Enjoy it.
Annie: If not later. ASP is awful at choosing diverse casts.
Nell: As a watcher of her later works Bunheads and The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, I can confirm this.
At a random garage lot, Dean wants to show Rory something that he promises is nothing like the Stephen King movie Christine. What a… relief? That there’s no killer car waiting for them? I dunno.
There is, however, a car waiting. Most of a car, anyway. Dean is building Rory one from scratch. Without. Even. Asking. If. She. Wants. One. Dean, this is becoming a serious problem! TALK TO YOUR GIRLFRIEND BEFORE SPENDING MONEY ON THINGS SHE MIGHT NOT WANT OR NEED.
Lucky for them both, Rory’s psyched and throws herself at him and they make out a bit before he lets her get in (JarPad couldn’t open the driver side door so he just jumps over and it’s cute.) They cuddle and Rory says she’s having “one of those moments where everything is so perfect that it almost makes you sad, because you know nothing will ever be this perfect again.”
And then Dean seems to gather his courage and tells her “I love you.”
She. Looks. Terrified.
Dean pressures her to say something back, and she can’t bring herself to say “I love you, too” because of how flustered and surprised she is. Dean gets offended and assumes that this means she doesn’t love him. Entitled!Douche!Dean is my least favorite person right now. Rory tries to explain that it’s hard for her to understand what “I love you” really means, because of the complicated relationship her own parents have. Dean thinks she’s just worried about getting pregnant, but she says that’s not it. She insists on having time to think about this, and Dean ups his douche factor by snidely asking if she’s going to talk to her mom and make a pro-con list about it. Rory rightfully says “Not fair!”
Dean finally makes a half-assed apology and says they should go. Rory protests, but Dean decides to storm off like a whiny pissbaby and let the girl he claims to love get out of the car all by her damn self.
Back home, Lorelai mopes in and calls Max Medina. She only gets his voicemail and hangs up, sitting all alone in the dark so we truly understand how lonely and pathetic she is, because it’s not like the episode hasn’t HAMMERED IT HOME ALREADY. Good lord.
Rory comes in looking upset, and when Lorelai asks her how the evening went, she says “We just broke up.” It’s not clear who broke up with who. Either Rory broke up with Dean because she couldn’t say “I love you” back, or he broke up with her because she couldn’t say it back. I think Dean did the breaking-up, frankly. What a tremendo-douche.
Annie: Yep. I was never a Dean fan. I will never be a Dean fan. Boy, bye. #NeverDean (Tell you how I really feel about Dean, right?)
Nell: I say more Luke, less Dean!
Lorelai looks shocked, then gets up and hugs Rory.
Next time on Gilmore Girls: in S01 E17 – The Breakup, Part 2.
