This post is part of our Very Snarky Holiday Special. Say hello to our good friend and wonderful blogger, Ginny of Ginny in Boston.
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Holidays
Ginny: If you grew up in the 90s and had Nickelodeon you probably watched Roundhouse. It was a sketch comedy show that taught you life lessons with skits, music and dancing. I credit Roundhouse with helping me decide to not join a gang in elementary school.
Lorraine: Yeah, I was a 90’s Nick kid and I have never in my life seen an episode of Roundhouse. Maybe this was during the dark age, when the cable company found out my dad was stealing cable and came by to cut it off. #truestory
Sweeney: I was also a 90’s kid who basically grew up glued to Nickelodeon and also do not know this show, so I am excited about this.
Ginny: I’m also older than both of you *cries*
So sticking with the holiday theme I decided to watch the Roundhouse Holiday special. I’m going to take a wild stab in the dark here and guess this episode is going to have something to do with diversity and religious tolerance. I was wrong it’s about finding your Christmas spirit and injuring carolers.
Sweeney: An equally important life lesson…
Ginny: After the totally rad (I’m sorry it’s the 90s!) opening song and credits we have the “dad” in a La-z-boy style recliner watching a Three Stooges marathon.
Lor: WAIT. I have to stop you here because THESE CREDITS. The 90’s threw up and made these credits. These credits make me feel a little guilty for having been alive during the 90’s. And I will probably have the “ROUNDHOUSE!” portion of this song stuck in my head all day.
Back to the dad in the recliner:
Ginny: He tells the audience that this is the life. He has a Three Stooges marathon on, his family is at the mall and no one is bothering him. I kind of agree with dad here. I prefer being lazy at home over Christmas shopping.
Sweeney: It would be way better if Saved By The Bell hadn’t lied to us about how many people are at the mall this time of year. But that wouldn’t change the fact that you have to wear pants, so, yeah.
Ginny: Two feet over (everything is on one stage), the rest of the family is at the mall. The mother asks if they want to wait in line to sit on Santa’s lap and the son tells his mother to take a “reality pill” while the daughter exclaims that’s something only a “simple minded juvenile would enjoy.”
Now a woman comes out of nowhere and offers the mother holiday card ideas to send to people of different religions. The agnostic card is my favorite:
You’re not sure an almighty exists of any kind, but have a merry something and make up your gosh darn mind.
This was on Nickelodeon?
Lor: That was my reaction to the atheist card.
“You’re a firm non-believer but time will sure tell, ’cause you’ll change your mind when you’re dead and in h-e-double toothpicks.”
WHAT.
Sweeney: Does this make anyone else feel super old in a depressing way? Like, “I can’t believe this was actually part of our childhood?”
Ginny: I feel like this would never fly now on Nikelodeon. “Mommy, what’s an atheist?”
And now we cut to a dreidel rap? With the original spin doctor – Dr. Dreidel. Ok I have to admit that’s pretty clever and why isn’t there a Jewish rapper all over this rap name?
Back to dad at home sitting in his chair. I feel like this show is going to give me a seizure with all the jumping around. Each skit is lasting about 30 seconds at this point. (L: Word.)
A woman appears and suggests to dad that if he doesn’t actually want to buy expensive things for his family for Christmas he should just buy these boxes that look like expensive things. The son takes his box shaped like a guitar and pretends to play it while the dad says to the camera that little does he know it’s an “air” guitar. He also tells the audience that his kids are not very bright. Dad is kind of a jerk.
A doorbell rings and the son somehow turns that into an existentialism speech because there isn’t actually a doorbell because they’re on a set and something about representing a modern nuclear family. I’m not even kidding.
The doorbell was the mailman. Dad got a present and taunts the kids that it’s heavy. It ends up being a fruitcake which dad suggests they throw at a group of carolers. I’m kind of with dad on this one. I’m not a fan of Christmas carols or fruit cake.
Sweeney: Did you read the Jezebel article on how everyone loves to hate fruit cake but nobody seems to have ever actually had fruit cake? I have not actually had fruit cake, but feel a strong cultural reaction to say YES, THAT IS TRUE, GINNY! But actually I have no idea. Also, I am pro-carolers because I don’t think I’ve ever actually had carolers knock on my door either and I feel so left out for not having had these vital cultural experiences.
Lor: Never had fruit cake and I’ve both received and been a caroler. I’m pretty sure it’s a little different in the Caribbean culture though as caroling involves acosting people in the wee hours of the morning. It’s tradition to feed the group and then join them.
Ginny: Actually I’ve never had fruitcake either now that I think of it. I really thought I did and then realized I never have because I’ve heard it’s nasty. Poor fruit cake never stood a chance.
Now the carolers are promoting a Christmas album of carols that no one knows the words to so you make them as you go along. My music teacher in school taught us a trick for not knowing the words. Just mouth the words “watermelon” over and over. I don’t know if this actually works and has anyone else heard this?
Lor: YEP! It was in a school choir also. I wonder if there is a convention of school choir teaches that makes this kind of stuff up and then stands back to point and laugh at the dumb kids.
Ginny: The dad comes into the scene and offers the carolers some hot tea because they must be cold. He then throws a bucket of hot water in their faces. Obviously it’s not actually hot water, it’s a bucket with blue streamers that’s suppose to be hot water. I don’t remember this show being so violent even if it’s fake violent.
Now we cut straight to a dance scene with no explanation. It’s just a whole lot of 90s dancing and a lot of saxophone.
Lor: Also there was a somersault mid dance. Imagine if you busted out that somersault move in da club.
Ginny: Better yet, bust out that somersault in the club with hammer pants.
Well now we actually have a song happening but it has nothing to do with the dance that just occurred. I think I’m getting a headache trying to follow everything happening on this show.
We’re back to dad in his chair again watching a promo for a holiday show called the “Butt Cracker.” The dad bends over to find the remote and we get a shot of his butt. Oh I get it. The “Butt Cracker.” I’m really confused as to what age group Nickelodeon was targeting here.
The mother comes in the scene and asks the dad if he wants to help trim the tree. He doesn’t and drives off on his la-z-boy. I kind of want a motorized chair now…
I don’t know what episode this is from or what is happening with his toenails. I’m also just now realizing dad has a BBQ attached to his chair. Sweet deal.
The kids are decorating the tree and the son tries to eat an ornament that he thought was real grapes. The scene is interrupted with a PSA style skit about kids that ate ornaments that they thought were food. I should point out that all the “kids” on the show are played by teens or adults imitating kids.
Dad is back and it’s a new scene. He’s mad because some guy is sleeping in his car. The mother points out that he’s probably homeless and that homeless people prefer to be called “alfresco Americans.” The dad then says he’s calling the cops. The family is upset by this for about one second and then they continue decorating the tree. This turns into an ad for a topping that can be used as that fake snow on trees or as whipped cream. I’m really getting sick of these fake ads interrupting the skits.
Dad decides once again that he wants nothing to do with decorating the tree. He falls asleep to the tv and is visited by the ghosts of Christmas specials. The dad asks who they’re ghosts of. There’s a guy doing a Bill Cosby voice. The dad points out that Bill Cosby is not dead. Fake Bill Cosby explains how Ghost Dad bombed at the box office so his career is dead. The next guy is fake Patrick Swayze who says that he was dead in Ghost and then we have fake guy Vanilla Ice because his career is dead.
Lor: I happen to know that Vanilla Ice recently remixed his one hit song for Zumba.
Ginny: WHAT? How did I not know of this? Why am I sort of excited that Vanilla Ice is still around?
The “ghosts” supposed to help the dad find his Christmas spirit again. And you know what that means? Another random dance scene that has absolutely nothing to do with anything that was happening. Transition? What transition?
The mom is back in another ad type skit where she explains how you to can wrap presents like a tv mom so the top of the box is wrapped separately from the bottom of the box. The daughter opens her gift and it’s a Shannon Doherty dart board. Should I start counting all the 90s references here?
The kids’ aunt comes on the scene to give them their Christmas presents – used underwear and slippers made from hair their aunt found in their tub. Ugh and now we have another fake ad. Someone thought these were really funny and they’re not. This one is about a fake detergent that will ruin your ugly Christmas gifts.
Sweeney: I am beginning to understand how/why I missed this show.
Ginny: I’m not understanding why I used to watch this show. What was wrong with 90s Ginny that she thought this was entertaining?
The scene changes again (shocker I know) and the dad is complaining because the alfresco American is still living in his car and the police won’t come out on Christmas day. The mother can’t believe he is still bothering the alfresco American because it’s a junk car that he doesn’t use.
Lor: I’m going to side with the jerk dad on this one and say that finding a homeless guy in a car on your property is on the skeevy side.
Ginny: Right? Sorry you’re homeless and all but up please don’t sleep in the car on my property thank you.
On to the next scene. The dad is cutting the fruit cake into pieces to throw in case the carolers come back. I think after the hot water to the face they might be done. The dad gives up trying to cut it and tells the son to give it to the guy living in his car.
The dad falls asleep again and the tv ghosts are back. One of the ghosts takes him back to when his dad use to make him sit on the toilet seat to warm it up for him. This was very traumatic for him because he never got to stay and his butt was always cold. When he wakes up the family has a present for him. A mink covered toilet seat.
Lor: WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK?
Sweeney: Nickelodeon…
Ginny: I wish I could find a picture of this scene on the internet. There’s an actual gigantic toilet on set.
The family all explains how they each “accidentally” left their Christmas presents in the car with the alfresco American. Ok Nickelodeon. At least you’re teaching kids to be charitable and donate to people less fortunate.
We have another song happening. It’s very 90s smooth jamish. I’ll take another song over another fake commercial.
Back to the family again. It turns out the alfresco American fixed the car he was staying in and the dad gave him his mink covered toilet seat cover. I’m sure he will find a good use for that considering he doesn’t have a toilet but the point is the dad found his Christmas spirit.
So what did I learn from the Roundhouse Christmas special?
1. It’s ok to throw hot water on carolers
b. Homeless people prefer the term “alfresco American”
donkey. It’s no big deal if a homeless person lives in your car because he will fix it for you.
Lor: I’ll only add that the 90’s were shameful.
Ginny: I think the 90s was a contest. How cheesy and corny can we be?
Sweeney:
I'm a legal assistant in Boston who loves reading, snarking, cats and french fries. Oh let's not forget naps - naps are good. I blog about my life and whatever else I feel like blogging about. It's the melting pot of blogs.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
