Doctor Who S06 E03 – Basically Orlando Bloom.

Previously: The Doctor died and a creepy kid in a space suit.
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Marines: You guys get to watch me try my hand at pirate and boat terms this recap, congratulations.

K: I’m on board. *badoom tshhh*

Mari: Bringing our A game right out of the gate here.

A bunch of pirates are in a rowboat, shrouded in mist, looking rather shifty. They make their way back to the main pirate ship. One guy asks another what’s going on, and it turns out that one of the pirates was wounded. This is a big deal, so they decide to wake the captain.

Inside the captain’s cabin, they explain that Wounded Pirate slipped and hurt his hand. We see a baby tiny cut on the man’s finger and the Captain is like, “sorry you are dead now.” The captain turns Wounded Pirate’s other hand around and there is a big black dot in the middle of it. Suddenly, we hear some singing and the Captain cryptically announces that she is here. Wounded Pirate says he has to escape, despite the fact that his pirate bros tell him not to go out there when the siren is singing. Wounded Pirate doesn’t listen, leaves the Captain’s quarters, and then we hear a scream so we know that yeah, that probably wasn’t a good idea.

K: I have two points to make at this juncture: 
1. The music is very Pirates of the Caribbean, and kudos to Murray Gold for knowing what the people want and running with it, and 
2. The pirate captain is HUGH BONNEVILLE!!!! You probably know him from Downton Abbey, but because I’m a weirdo I know him from the 1999 miniseries The Cazalets, which also stars Damien Lewis as a creeper. YAY. 

Mari: Back out on the deck, Captain Avery and his men find no signs of Wounded Pirate or of a struggle. Other Pirate says they are all just shark bait, waiting out here until the wind picks up. Suddenly, they hear some thumping from below deck. Other Pirate thinks it’s the siren, but when they go investigate, it’s actually the Doctor, Rory and Amy. “Yo ho ho!” he says excitedly, but then realizes that probably no one says that.

EXPLAIN TO THE AMERICANS INTRO and DOO-WEE-OOH.

K: The Explain to the Americans Intro surprises me every damn time, and I continue to hate its existence.

Mari: Because it’s awful.

Back in the Captain’s cabin, the Doctor is trying to find a way to explain how they ended up on this ship. It’s not going well, what with the pirates all being spooked by the siren and not understanding things like “sensors.” The Captain is having none of it and pulls out his gun. He thinks the only explanation is that they are stowaways. Another pirate asks what to do with them. The Captain says they deserve their hospitality. 

Cut to the Doctor being made to walk the plank. He snarks about pirates all laughing the same, which must be in the job description. The Captain says they are low on water and stocks and don’t need 3 more bellies to feed. He orders another pirate to take Amy below deck because they will put her to work. Ew.

She cries out for help, but Rory is apprehended and just tells all the pirates that she’s not a doxy. Amy sarcastically thanks him as she’s pushed away. The Captain points his gun at the Doctor again and tells him to get walking. Luckily, the Doctor is really good at prolonging all of this. It gives Amy enough time to find swords below deck. She even pauses and looks longingly at a pirate hat. I guess it’s a good thing the Doctor is up on the deck, buying time. He asks where the rest of the crew is. Are they going to jump out at any second and shout boo?

“Boo!” Amy shouts, sword in hand, hat on head. She tells the Captain to drop the gun, and he does. She kicks it away. He tells her that a sword can kill them all, and she tells him that’s pretty much the point.

K: Honestly, everything about this shot and this lighting and this music and this everything is straight out of Pirates of the Caribbean and it’s making me sad that Johnny Depp is a trash human because the first movie was fantastic and now I can’t rewatch it without thinking about how much of a trash human he is.

Mari: Trash humans ruin everything.

Another pirate jumps in between then, and they start fighting. At first, I’m very impressed with Amy’s swordplay, but then I realize that none of the other pirates are armed. They are all using sticks and ropes and such. Still, Amy does well fending them off, with the help of their fear of her pointy sword. 

Amy grabs a rope and swings over the pirates, slicing one on the arm as she goes. Everyone stops as the Wounded Pirate 2 says she just killed him. Amy asks what kind of pirates this lot are, but we see that Wounded Pirate 2 has a black spot on his hand. Amy still thinks they are exaggerating, or something, so she swings some more and this time slices Rory. He gets the black spot and asks the Doctor WTF is going on. Captain Avery says that the siren can smell the blood and marks them for death. The Doctor laughs because yay adventure, and jokes that if something is gonna kill you, it’s nice that it leaves a note to remind you. 

The siren starts singing, and the music drives Rory and Wounded Pirate 2 loopy. From the the water, a misty spirit-looking woman appears and sings to them. (K: It’s very Kylie Minogue in Moulin Rouge, tbh.) Rory and Wounded Pirate 2 both want to go to her. Amy holds Rory back, but for some reason, everyone just watches as Wounded Pirate 2 walks to his doom. The moment he touches the siren, he gets misted away. Amy pushes Rory back behind her and tells the Siren that he’s spoken for. She hisses at Amy and turns all read and evil looking, blasting Amy back with her wrath. The Doctor runs to Amy as he yells for everyone to get into the hold. Rory stands and tries to get to the Siren, but the Doctor grabs him just in time. 

In the hold, Amy asks what the hell is going on, and Captain Avery gives her the tl;dr version. Siren, attacking them, becalmed. The Doctor gets excited like only he can about the prospect of death and a green singing shark in an evening gown. The captain yells that the ship is cursed, which the Doctor says is just what humans call anything they don’t have an explanation for. (K: Rupert Giles would be personally offended.) Rory is still going on about the beauty of the siren. The Captain wants to give Rory up so the siren won’t keep after them. He pulls out his gun again and demands to see how the Doctor’s ship works. 

One of the other pirates starts yelling. He pulls his leg out of the water pooled in the hold, and there’s a leech on his leg. He becomes Wounded Pirate 3. The Doctor yells for everyone to get out of the water, assuring everyone that the siren won’t find them in the hold. The siren appears and sings to Wounded Pirate 3. Everyone does a piss poor job of holding WP3 back, like why are they so bad at that? He gets misted away as the others run out of the hold. 

K: I’m guessing the piss poor part was mostly because the Doctor was the one to grab at him and Matt Smith’s arms are literally pieces of wet spaghetti. 

Mari: Fair.

The Doctor figures the Siren is using water like a door or a portal. They need to get somewhere dry. Amy snarks about being in the middle of the ocean, but the Captain suggests the magazine. They keep it dry as a bone. The Doctor orders everyone there, and the Captain gets testy because he’s in charge here. They run along anyway. 

At the armory, some other pirates realizes the key is missing. The Doctor pushes the door and finds that it’s already open. Someone had the same idea. Inside, the Captain instructs them all to barricade the door and be careful of the lanterns. Every barrel is full of gun powder. They listen for a bit and hear some muffled coughing. The Captain looks in a barrel and pulls out a little boy. The Doctor for some reason assumes the kid is part of the crew (really dude?), so the Captain has to clarify that this is son.

Cut to everyone sitting down as the Captain asks his son what possessed him to stowaway. Turns out, his mom died. Son says that his mom used to tell him all about his father, an honorable man and a captain in the navy. Everyone looks around uncomfortably. Son says he wants to join the crew, but Captain shoots that down immediately. It’s too dangerous here. There’s a monster on board who leaves a mark on men’s skin. Son is like THIS MARK? and turns his hand over to reveal that he’s got the black spot.

K: WOMP.

Mari: Cut again to everyone talking about the kid out of his hearing. The Doctor amends his theory: the siren is coming for all the sick and the wounded, like a hunter choosing the weakest as victims. The Doctor calls humans weak. They are all bound to get bruised eventually. The Doctor wants to go get his ship and get out of there. Captain pulls his gun because he’s the captain here, and he doesn’t like being ordered around. Meanwhile, Son is opening one of the barrels. This one has water in it, so the siren immediately starts trying to get through. The Doctor thinks quickly and covers the barrel. The Captain yells that the water is how she’s getting in so they have to be careful. One of the reaming pirates says that they are all cursed. The Doctor says they are NOT. Cursed means they’re helpless, but they are not helpless. The Doctor asks the Captain what to do next. 

Captain instructs the remaining pirates to wait with the boy and lock the door behind them. Amy asks if the Doctor really wants to go out there. The Doctor says he does because you know saving Rory and stuff, but he also tells Rory this wouldn’t be the worst way to go. 

Back out on the deck, the Captain asks if they should draw lots for who’s in charge. The Doctor says that with darkness and demons, the Captain can have first go. The Captain stumbles a little and almost gets hurt by a nail, but the Doctor saves him. They make it to the TARDIS, but the Doctor stops the Captain’s BIGGER ON THE INSIDE?! moment, because time. 

Still on the ship, the remaining pirates decide they aren’t staying put. They are gonna go outside, where the monster is, for no discernible reason. 

K: Because they’re disposable extras who are only allowed a limited number of lines?

Mari: It’s the only explanation.

TARDIS. The Doctor is too busy to explain the things on the TARDIS console, but Captain Avery is like wheel, compass, telescope… A ship’s a ship. Good on him. 

Ship. Stowaway Son tells the Remaining Pirates that they have to listen to his dad, a naval officer. A Remaining Pirate has to break it to Stowaway Son that his dad’s a bad dude. A pirate. Stowaway Son is sad and shocked. 

K: So he’s basically Orlando Bloom??

Mari: 

And TARDIS again– she isn’t working. Captain Avery is like, “yeah, BECALMED…?” and gives a little gloat. 

The Remaining Pirates are still trying to escape, now with a plan to steal treasure and take a rowboat. Stowaway Son grabs a sword and demands that they stay at their posts. The Remaining Pirate tells him to put the pointy thing down and then cuts his hand a bit anyway so he gets the black spot. 

The Doctor is still babbling about why the TARDIS is not working, 

Remaining Pirate (with the lines) draws his gun, but Rory reminds him they are surrounded by gunpowder. Remaining Pirate (with no lines) grabs the keys from his buddy and runs. Amy says there’s no honor among thieves and Remaining Pirate (with the lines) gets to work barricading them all in again.

The TARDIS is going wild. The Doctor yells for them to abandon ship, so they run out, just in time to watch as the TARDIS dematerializes without them. Back on Avery’s ship, they quickly come across Remaining Pirate (with no lines), who now has lines, so my whole naming convention is a farce. Remaining Pirate (with no lines) is stealing treasure and supplies. The Doctor suggests they go get those supplies back, but the Captain is more about the treasure. 

Remaining Pirate (with no lines) barricades himself in a room. He lights something in the dark room, but quickly burns himself. (K: I’m pretty accident prone, but these guys take the cake for stupid injuries) The Doctor and the Captain hear the siren’s song and start freaking out, but they figure out that the siren’s come for Remaining Pirate (with no lines). The Doctor sonics his way into the barricaded room (the door is wood, by the way) (K: I would be super pissed about this, but he sonics the metal bolt rather than the door itself), but Remaining Pirate (with no lines) is gone. There’s no water in this room, so the Doctor has to admit he was wrong again and fix his theory: the siren is using reflective surfaces. 

Armory. Stowaway Son looks at the necklace his dad gave him. The Doctor and the Captain run to warn the others. There’s a bit of a tense moment, but they are let into the armory before the siren appears, the Doctor grabs the shiny necklace and fogs up the surface with his breath. After a beat and no explanation, the Doctor runs back out as he says that they have to destroy every reflective surface– windows, mirrors, all of it. The Captain is with it until the Doctor suggests that they throw out the treasure. The Doctor says they have to, but the Captain is still reluctant. 

And back in the armory again, the Doctor shares his new plan: just wait. If they go back to the deck, the siren will use the becalmed water to show up and attack. They just have to wait until the wind picks up. 

Captain Avery apologizes to his son about his mom. The kid is upset that his dad never was around and that’s he’s a pirate, too. 

K: Again, Orlando Bloom.

Mari: Amy is trying to sleep, but suddenly she see’s the woman with the eyepatch, looking at her as if through a window. Amy bolts up and sees that nothing is there. 

On the deck, the Doctor is star-gazing and the Captain joins him. The Doctor asks him how he went from respected naval officer to pirate, leaving his wife and son at home. Captain says he made his choices. The Doctors says things can change. 

In the Captain’s room, Amy comes to talk to the Doctor, but he’s noticing something. It clicks when he hears thunder. He yells for everyone to man the sails. 

Cut to a storm. The Captain is yelling instructions at everyone (K: It’s kind of hilarious because Amy’s dramatically yanking on the ropes to raise the sails, but you can clearly see that she’s not actually pulling at all. Her hands are just sliding down them) and tells his son to bring him his jacket. He’s got his compass in there. Stowaway son finds it, but as he lifts it, a crown falls out. Everyone looks at it very dramatically as it rolls along the deck. Stowaway Son looks at his father very accusatorially just before the siren appears and steals Stowaway Son again. (K: WOMP.) The Doctor yells at the Captain for being a greedy ass, but then more bad things happen as Rory is knocked overboard. Amy wants to go in after him, but the Doctor won’t let her. They’ll both drown. There’s only one person who can save Rory now. 

The Doctor opens a barrel of water and the siren is immediately there. The Doctor tells her Rory’s drowning and she goes after him. Amy asks wtf the Doctor is thinking. He’s thinking that Rory was gonna die anyway, but maybe now they can reason with the siren. Maybe all her victims are alive somewhere and now they must follow them. They all prick their fingers and let the siren take them. 

K: This plan is really stupid. Like… the Doctor doesn’t even have an Idea Moment. He just… decides it’s going to work.

Mari: Flash of white light. Everyone comes to on the ground, The Doctor realizes, and explains, that they haven’t moved. They are on a spaceship stuck in a temporal rift. There’s a lot more explanation, though not one that really covers why the ship is completely still in the rain.

They all start exploring and find a bunch of dead aliens on the ship. Amy asks if the siren killed them, but the Doctor does a Sonic analysis and finds it was a human virus. He puts his hand down and then freaks out because he gets a hand full of alien bogies. 

K: As someone who works with small children and lives in constant fear of other people’s bogies: OH GOD NO.

Mari: They keep exploring and find a weird room where all the siren’s victims are on laid out on tables. 

    

The Captain wants to get Stowaway Son out of there, but the Doctor yells for them to wait. Stowaway’s fever is gone. Rory looks great. The black spots are actually where the siren was grabbing a tissue sample. She’s keeping everyone alive. Amy wants help getting Rory up, but as soon as they try, an alarm sounds. We hear the siren song, so they run and hide and watch as the siren sings Rory back into stasis. 

K: Serious question, though: why does the siren take everyone’s shirts off?? 

Mari: Maybe she hates shirts. Yeah.

Next, the siren moves to do something to Stowaway Son. It looks too creepy for the Captain, so he pulls out his gun and shoots. The siren gets all red glowy and MAD, but then she’s distracted by the Doctor sneezing. The Doctor nervously works out what her issues is– namely his germs– so he blows his nose and throws the tissue, which she incinerates. I’m not entirely sure that’s how germs work, but okay girl.

Amy is still trying to get Rory up, so the siren moves back toward her. The Doctor yells out that for real, all his other theories have been wrong. This is a sick bay. She’s a doctor. She’s a bored doctor because all her crew are dead and she’s had nothing to do so she’s been transporting everyone with a paper cut, apparently. The Doctor is really impressed with this interface, but she still won’t let Amy near Rory. The Doctor tells Amy to explain it to the interface. It’s intelligent. Amy shows her wedding ring and cries as she says that she just wants to take care of Rory. The siren puts out her hand and a glowing circle forms around it. The Doctor tells Amy to put her hand into the circle so she can sign the consent form. She’s taking full responsibility for Rory. Amy does so and the siren disappears. 

Amy unplugs Rory and he starts convulsing. The Doctor tells Amy to turn it back on because Rory can’t breathe. Amy wakes Rory, and they explain to him what’s happening. In their world, he’s drowning, on the point of death. If they take him back he might die. If he stays here, he stays here forever. Rory says that he can teach Amy how to save him with CPR. Amy is (legit) worried that she’ll do it wrong, but Rory is sure. At this point, Amy has experienced his death like 5 times on this show, what’s one more am I right? 

K: Poor Rory. So many deaths…

Mari: The Doctor tells the Captain that he has to send this ship back into space. And Stowaway Son has typhoid fever, so he won’t make it back home. Captain Avery asks if he can stay on the ship. He can’t go back to England and Stowaway has no home without him. The Doctor smiles and asks if the Captain can sail this ship. The Captain smiles back and tells the Doctor to just point him to the atom accelerator. It’s cute.

Rory is still telling Amy that she certainly can CPR him back to life. Amy says she’ll see him in a minute. They unplug him and carry him to the TARDIS. Amy starts her CPR and gets more and more desperate as he doesn’t stir. The Doctor is there with encouragement. Amy doesn’t give up and it pays off because Rory lives!

    

I mean he comes to way long after Amy gives up but YAY. The Doctor stands up, overcome with relief, as Amy and Rory hug and celebrate being not dead. 

K: I have to do CPR training every year, and literally everything about this offends me. It shouldn’t. But it does. (Also, how the hell has the Doctor not learnt CPR in all the years he’s been travelling with humans?? IRRESPONSIBLE BEHAVIOUR, SIR.)

Mari: Captain Avery flies his space ship with Stowaway Son at his side and his crew behind him. 

On the TARDIS, Amy says she think she made an excellent pirate. Rory thinks she made an excellent nurse. There’s a bit of an eyebrow waggle, at least in the way Amy takes it, and they wish the Doctor a goodnight. The Doctor wishes Amelia a good night, and she notes that he only calls her Amelia when he’s worried about her. The Doctor says he’s always worried about her. Amy flashes back to the day of his death and says the feeling is mutual. The Doctor tells her to go to bed, and she doesn’t tell him to fuck off. 

The Doctor is still looking at that pregnancy test, and it’s still flashing between positive and negative. 

This is a hard episode to talk about all said and done because I kept having to rewatch it because I took to long to recap it. I guess the best news is that I didn’t hate my life after the third time I watched it, but it also isn’t my favorite. The CPR scene with Rory dead or about to die AGAIN was probably the worst bit, the the hijinks of running around the pirate ship and trying to figure out the siren mystery were good enough. 

K: Personally, I think the POTC-adjacent music was the best part, but I definitely agree that the CPR was easily the worst. Fun but largely forgettable. 

 

Next time on Doctor Who: The Doctor follows a Time Lord distress signal in S06 E04 – The Doctor’s Wife.