The OC S01 E13 – It’s a Chrismukkah miracle!

Sweeney: We’ve already covered the fact that The OC  sits on dubious territory, straddling the line between our “Childhood Trauma” and “Ruined For Life” categories. On that note, my fauxCD is having a hard time with the fact that our OC posts now jump from 1×01 to 1×13, but I’ll have to deal with it, because I love this episode.

Lor: As a long time sufferer of fauxCD, I completely understand. However, my role in all of this was to talk Sweeney into being able to do it. I think I get an A+ for the post already.

Sweeney: Absolutely. Granted, we give them a little freely around here, so I’m not sure how valuable that is, but consider it granted.

The OC was a family affair in my house and the idea of an invented holiday is just too awesome for me not to love, especially since Seth Cohen is definitely high ranking on my list of fictional boyfriends. He was the great television love of my high school life, so I was obviously supportive of his right to concoct a holiday.

Because I am absolutely going to post recaps of episodes 2-12 at some point, I’m going to focus on the holiday stuff and downplay larger plot things. I’m hoping this strategy will keep this post from being 5,000 words long. I have big, unrealistic dreams.

Lor: Posts that start all, “I’m going to keep this short!” are my fave because then, 5,000 words later, we can look back and laugh. Or cry. Samsies.

Sweeney: The episode begins as Seth asks Ryan to choose between Christmas or Hanukkah. It’s a trick question: “Because in this house, you don’t have to choose!” Chrismukkah, Seth tells Ryan, is a holiday he invented that is sweeping the nation, “or at least the living room,” as SANDY COHEN AND HIS NON-NEGLIGENT EYEBROWS carries a tree into the house.

As Seth babbles about his silly holiday while everyone else is helpful, Kirsten jokes that they didn’t really know how to raise Seth. Seth adds, “So I raised myself!” I’m bringing this up for the amusement of Traumaland, where so many kids clearly did raise themselves. Seth can’t understand this, because he was raised by such a miraculous set of eyebrows.

Seth jokes about his parents’ respective backgrounds and how it all contributed to the magically inclusive holiday of Chrismukkah. The Cohens push Ryan to suggest new traditions to incorporate and Ryan is reluctant, due to his coming from a mega broken home. Finally, he concedes that his family Christmas tradition is being beaten by his alcoholic mother. Everything gets real awkward, but Sandy Eyebrows Cohen chimes in that this year is going to be totes different.

Admittedly, I laugh here, because I forget how heavy-handed this show is with the dramz. Seth tries to hug Ryan as he walks away, to reduce the dramz, but Ryan is not having it, because he’s pretty big on the brooding.

Lor: Note to self: don’t ask any boys you adopt from the wrong side of the tracks about their Christmas traditions. Got it!

Sweeney: The Cohen family attribute Ryan’s brood to the intensity of having Chrismukkah sprung on him, rather than all the feels they just gave him. Silly rich people. CUE MAGIC MUSIC.

After the credits, we see Seth sitting in the pool house, surrounded by wrapping paper and ribbons and crap. In the “previously” we were reminded that Seth is currently in the middle of  a love triangle. This is a low point for my fictional boyfriend. I cringe, in fact, at taking him out of the larger show context like this, because this whole episode is just bad times for him.

He’s wrapping presents for the two girls — Summer and Anna. He’s getting them the same thing, which is a mega douche move. All the more mega douchey is the fact that this gift is “The Seth Cohen Starter Pack.” It’s a gift of movies and emo CDs, to make sure that these girls are properly pop culturally outfitted to be with him. Seth, you’re killing me with this shit.

I’m really ashamed of my 15-year-old self right now.

Anyway, Ryan stops brooding long enough to acknowledge Seth’s little situation and half acknowledges that giving both girls the same present exacerbates the douchiness of the situation and also correctly insists that Seth will eventually have to make a choice and stop being a dick. “Not on Chrismukkah, I don’t! There’s no choosing in Chrismukkah.”

Seth. Stop it.

Lor: Something about the holidays has been bringing out the worst in our early life crushes. Or, probably truer: our early life crushes suck.

Sweeney: SPEAK FOR YOURSELF. I mean, this episode isn’t really a good point for me to insist this, but I think I still stand by my love of Seth Cohen. Probably.

Ryan puts his brooding face back on and Seth encourages him to lighten up and I’m pretty sure we’ve been cutting back and forth the exact same 2 second clip of Ben McKenzie. If we haven’t been, they wasted a lot of footage. “Or not. Stay dark. Dark is good.”

In the kitchen Kirsten is working on her Chrismukkah shopping list, which Ryan grumblebroods about because he doesn’t want gift exchanging. It has been a dozen episodes. He’s been there for a few months now. He’s allowed to have all the feels over his family and whatnot, but this “STOP DOING NICE THINGS FOR ME” crap really should have stopped by now.

As we learned in the PREVIOUSLY, there is a law suit going on between Sandy Defender of Goodness Cohen and Kirsten’s Evil Corporation Owning Father, who Kirsten works for, placing them on opposing sides. I don’t actually care about any of this, but for reasons that can be blamed on Kirsten’s Evil Corporation Owning Father, Sandy will have to work all through the holidays and Chrismukkah is thus ruined.

I shared all of that solely as set-up to say that Seth adorably mumbles about how everyone needs to stop saying shit like that because Chrismukkah, having twice the fortitude of a normal holiday, is unruinable and they will soon see its true magic.

More plots I don’t care about: Jimmy White Collar Criminal Cooper is in his new apartment. Marissa is there, also getting her tortured brood on.

Jimmy is a total negligent father: when his train wreck daughter makes a comment about the holidays being depressing, he’s all, “Oh yeah, you were probably supposed to go to therapy after you were an almost dead hot disaster in Mexico, but then we forgot.” And she’s all, “NO I’M FINE.” And he’s all, “K, cool, ’cause we’re not skipping Christmas!”

The problem with jumping episodes on a soap opera-tastic show like this is that A LOT has happened in that time frame, but mostly to characters who are less awesome, so I don’t mind glossing over their major life events so I can focus on Seth’s holiday invention and petty high school love triangle.

Lor: See? I told you it would totally work! We’re all hanging out, reading this post, skipping over characters no one cares about, something we can’t do in, say, Fifty Shades or The Babysitters Club because then we would skip all the things.

Sweeney: Speaking of! We go from an extended close-up of Marissa’s tortured face to Seth and Ryan walking the halls discussing the big holiday party, because The OC shares Sweet Valley’s “another effing dance” phenomenon. If pop culture has taught me only one thing, it’s that rich people in California have a lot of parties. Unfortunately, there are fewer soirees for Californianas who live on couches.

Ryan’s still all, “Hey, trying to date two girls at once is a bad idea!” because he’s the lovable bad boy with the heart of gold, meaning that he often gets to be the moral compass in spite of his criminal history. Seth is still in douchey high school boy mode, and he’s all, “NOPE, NOTHING CAN GO WRONG HERE.” That’s television code for EVERYTHING WILL GO WRONG HERE. I take this philosophy to heart in actual life too.

Summer (!!!) shows up to ask Seth about the plan for the party, and Anna arrives shortly thereafter, wearing a really fucking stupid pink hat. Sidebar: I was genuinely conflicted over this love triangle at 15, because SETH&SUMMER4EVA, but I also liked Anna and wanted her to be happy. But now that I remember that I also liked Marissa, and I see that Anna is wearing such a stupid hat, I am left questioning everything.

Lor: Well, that was life changing.

Sweeney: With both girls there to ask about the party situation, Ryan gives Seth a smug “I TOLD YOU SO” look. Seth’s all, “Yeah, we’re all just going to meet there when we feel like it.” The girls are annoyed by this, but direct their sass at one another and walk off, rather than telling Seth to get his douchey high school boy shit together. In a previous episode, they agreed to a sort of truce on this dating situation, which is to say that both girls know that he is dating both of them at the moment.

Ryan says something about a Chrismukkah miracle and Seth responds, “I’ve got Jesus and Moses on my side, man.”

Lor: I can’t say for certain but as the leading Bible authority of the Snark Squad the person who introduced the Youth Mauling Bear, I think I’m clear to say Jesus and Moses do not support Seth’s douchey-dating ways and would appreciate being left out of this.

Sweeney: That’s probably true, but I hope, for my sake, that they don’t call the YMB on Seth to punish him. I would be very sad. Like, Angel broody sad.

Back in boring adult drama land, Kirsten goes to yell at her dad for ruining Chrismukkah. He calls her Kiki, which I do not like. Kiki puts her big girl pants on and tells him that she’s not working through Christmas and he can get over it. Good for you, girl. I’m distracted by your awful highlights, though, so maybe do something about that during your Christmas vacation?

Marissa and Ryan walk through the halls exchanging broods/feels, grumbling about Christmas/Chrismukkah. Their first genuine smiles come when they realize that they both have to go to the holiday party and, “at least we can be miserable together!” LOL this relationship.

Ryan decided that he has to go to the mall after school to buy presents and Marissa insists on accompanying him. Cue montage of high school kids and consumerism. Lots of random shots of them holding hands and smiling and laughing, which is just totally OOC for both of them.

The dreamy scene ends with Marissa waxing poetic about how she can no longer afford the high spending life, due to her father’s white collar criminal status, but she likes the mall anyway because, “Everything is so perfect. You walk around feeling like all your problems can be solved by the right nail polish or a new pair of shoes.”

They’re about to get in the car when mall security demands to see Marissa’s purse, which is WAY late in the game for this to be caught. Ryan gets defensive and gets in the guy’s face which is hilarious and stupid. Sure enough, Marissa stole a fancy men’s watch, earrings, and lipstick.

Seth comes home to find Kirsten taking her vacation by doing work at the kitchen table. They exchange cute banter about what genes come from what parents and at one point Seth touches his eyebrows and says, “Oh my god, they’re coming in??” A+

 

Fail on that shirt/vest combo, though.

Lor: Mostly, OMG WHAT IS THAT VEST?

Sweeney: Seth notices presents for Ryan from his mom and brother. They have a srsbsns talk about how Seth doesn’t know what to say when Ryan gets all broody about the holidays. Kirsten shows off her parenting skillz by encouraging Seth to be himself and appreciate that starting a new family is hard.

Kirsten finds a document in her stacks of financial paperwork that gives her a major case of OMG face and so she shoos Seth away, insisting that it’s nothing. With him gone, she calls somebody to have a copy of a document faxed over to her.

Back in Jimmy Cooper’s nice White Collar Faux-Exile apartment, Julie Crazy Bitch Cooper storms in and grumbles about how Marissa’s problems always happen on Jimmy’s watch. When he tries to defend himself she bitchquips, “Where do you think she learned to steal?” #burn

Julie’s there to lay down the law and issue a heavy punishment, starting after the party, because it’s a big deal for Julie’s professional career. As I recall, her career is basically professional socialite. I mean, I think she’d call herself an event planner or something, but she’s a professional socialite. What teenage socialite worth the name doesn’t wind up with substance abuse problems and the occasional case of sticky fingers?

Julie has a fleeting case of decent parent and asks Marissa why she did this. Marissa starts to answer, but doesn’t. Julie says that she called the therapist and Marissa’s pissed and promises not to do it again. Julie responds: “Honey, I love you, but I don’t believe you.” Not that Julie Cooper earns high marks for parenting, but +1 to that.

Back in the pool house, Ryan fills Seth in on the shoplifting dramz. Then they have a cute moment in which Seth gives Ryan a sort-of gift: a stocking with his name on it. Ryan actually smiles and appears happy and appreciative and it’s super cute. By virtue of being teenagers, these two are usually way too wrapped up in their own shit, but during the few moments an episode where they aren’t, their friendship is fantastic.

Lor: That feels true to teenaged boys, though, right? I’m not sure a lot of them are sitting around going, “tell me about your day.”

Sweeney: Absolutely.

Sandy and Kirsten have a coupley moment that was cute and that I would like to properly include, but it pertains to the legal drama and I don’t really remember the specifics of this whole plot. Basically, Kirsten’s evil father pulled a fast one on Sandy Cohen’s team of do-gooders. Kirsten found this out and now she told Sandy and suspects she will be promptly fired.

Downstairs, Anna shows up with Mistletoe. I’m finding it hard to remember why I liked her, because right now she’s just the girl standing in the way of Seth/Summer. She has this weird glittery thing going on in her hair, though, that I absolutely would have attempted at 15.

Lor: If you keep mentioning you at 15, I’m going to start insisting you show the Internets pictures.

Sweeney: Womp. No.

Summer shows up shortly thereafter. They bicker about this being a violation of their Geneva Convetion of Dating, but the resolution they all come up with is for everyone to go with Seth’s parents. As expected with a plan this stupid, they sit on the couch waiting for the Cohen parents and it’s super awkward.

Back at Jimmy’s apartment, Ryan is trying to encourage Marissa to go with the whole therapy thing. She gets defensive and then contrives a reason for Ryan to go upstairs so that she can smuggle some booze into her purse.

At the party, Seth awkwardly runs away from his two dates, the adults exchange meaningless banter about their respective plots, and Ryan and Marissa’s attempt at sneaky romantical times are interrupted by Julie. Mother-daughter fight ends with Marissa running off to the bathroom.

Seth gets his present from Anna, which is an incredibly adorable comic book about him and Captain Oats, his toy horse. SHE DREW HIM A COMIC BOOK. Oh, giiiirl, I feel bad for you now. I still can’t root for you, but I remember why my high school self was conflicted over you.

Lor: The Snark Squad Moving Scale of Things That Make You Awesome or Not is totally amazing. You drew him a comic book, which. Fine. Points. BUT THAT HAT. You are still the red, girlfriend.

Sweeney: Fair. I really can’t forgive that hat.

Kirsten dances with Jimmy as they discuss their respective parenting struggles, namely that Jimmy is anxious about his daughter. Kirsten assures him that they have good kids as we segue magic into Marissa drinking in the bathroom.

It’s time for Summer’s present for Seth, which is that she’s dressed up as Wonder Woman under her dress. It’s utterly ridiculous, and makes me uncomfortable when I remember that they’re supposed to be in high school, but there’s also this adorable undercurrent of awkward to the whole thing. It’s adorable, but it’s also a little bit desperate, due to the fact that situation is shitty.

Their adorable times are interrupted as they’re kissing and she feels something in his jacket. It’s the comic book, which she rightly acknowledges is amazing. Of course, Anna walks in just then. She points out that Summer looks amazing and then feels like a child for drawing a comic book as a present, while Summer calls herself “Wonderwhore” under her breath as she hastily puts her dress back on.

Seth sees that his magical little triangle in which he is the only happy participant is falling apart. The girls realize the merits of each other’s gifts and as people. They acknowledge that the situation is bullshit because we’re getting to about that time in the episode. They tell Seth he has to choose.

Drunk Marissa runs up to Ryan and starts kissing him. He gets on her case about sneaking off to drink alone in the bathroom, and points out her history of ending up stupid drunk. She runs off and he chases her slowly enough for her to have time to get into her car and back it into a parked car.

Inside the party, the legal thing resolved itself behind the scenes and then Kirsten’s evil father and Sandy Cohen make it appear charitable on the evil father’s behalf. I don’t care enough to elaborate.

Ryan drives Summer home, because she’s drunk. In the car, Marissa gets her booze out to start drinking. They bicker and she drops the cap. Ryan is freaking out because he is still on probation. Naturally, they get pulled over for a broken taillight at just that moment. Fortunately, just as the cop is about to acknowledge Marissa’s terribly unstealthy booze-hiding, he gets radioed to go elsewhere.

A very pissed off Ryan gets out and goes over to her house to grab the booze and throw it onto the beach. LITTERING ISN’T COOL, RYAN.

Lor: Again, nice job trying to get rid of the booze. Points. BUT WHO IS THINKING OF THE WHALES? Not Ryan, that’s who. Minus points.

Sweeney; Then he slams the door a bunch of times and it’s super intense and a little too ragey. Marissa says she’s scaring him and he’s all, “GOOD. YOU’RE SCARING ME.” He reminds us if his super legit childhood trauma: “Drinking, crying, the cops; must be the holidays.” They have too many feels. I’m overwhelmed.

The next morning, our two bros share their latest lady dramz. Seth isn’t sure what to do because he only knows how to deal with rejection. He also decides that Ryan’s situation is a Chrismukkah miracle because the old Ryan Atwood would have gotten busted in that situation, but the combined efforts of Jesus and Moses came together to protect him. (L: STILL NOPE.)

Seth goes to have his conversations with the girls. The camera pans around in circles and each time we come back to the girl, it’s a different one, and Seth is talking about how awesome she is. It ends with, “I think we should just be friends,” to Summer. And then he says the same thing to Anna. He gives each of them his hipster douche gift, which they both reject because neither one wants to be his friend.

Evil Father comes over and bickers with Kirsten about her betrayal but then it’s all good because he loves ruthless, manipulative, lying liars. Chrismukkah miracle! Sandy Eyebrows Cohen goes to get Ryan to come into the house for movie time, just as Ryan is going  off to escort Marissa to therapy. Eyebrows knowingly tells Ryan that in his new life he doesn’t have to bear everyone else’s burdens any longer and that he’s going to have to let Marissa sort this out on her own.

Plus, in theory, she should have parents. High school kids who go to therapy tend to have parents at least moderately involved. Of course, in the waiting room it’s just Marissa and an attractive young guy. I guess the Cohens are the only parents in Newport with eyebrows.

Marissa is about to bail when Hot Crazy Guy tells her that he came three times before he was finally able to go in. He then reveals that he knows her. He knows what school she goes to and that she organizes parties for that school, even though he does not go to that school. He turns out to be a total creep, so it’s worth bringing up the seeds of his creepiness now.

She’s still majorly uncomfortable and then he basically offers an accurate summary of Marissa Coopers alcoholism and drug overdoses. I’d add this to his creep list, but she’s such a total cliche of a character, that you don’t have to be a creepy stalker to fill in those details.

Lor:

Sweeney: Actual A+ for this. I was just kidding about that other one.

Back at the Cohen house Seth is listening to Blue Christmas and being emo for a hot second until Ryan comes in to hang his Chrismukkah stocking and Seth is instantly cheered. Sandy returns with movies (guys, remember when people went to a store to rent movies!?) and Seth gives his rejected hipster douche presents to his parents. Awkward.

Cut to a shot of the Cohen family Chrismukkah card, which features Ryan. END OF EPISODE.

Excuse me while I check out on life for a few days to keep watching this show. Oh, you mean, “I’m watching The OC” isn’t an acceptable reason to call off work? The world is so unfair.

 Lor: And on that note: Merry Chrismukkah!