Charmed S03 E17 – Housemates from Hell.

Previously: Our love lamp! You let it DIE.
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Pre-Witched

Marines: Piper and Leo take a shower together and giggle. Piper says they’ve finally found a place where they can be alone together. They kiss and then Phoebe just BARGES IN. She makes a big show of covering her eyes, saying she isn’t looking, I am aghast. My sisters and I could be pretty annoying to one another and occasionally inconsiderate, as humans occasionally are, but this is ANNOYING. She knew Piper and Leo were in here together? And just walked in for LIP GLOSS anyway? Wow, weirdo. 

Jessica: I know! I was like, what super-important item do they have her in search of that she’d just barge in while her sister and sister’s husband are in there? Lip gloss. It was Lip. Gloss. 

Mari: Piper and Leo are now in their room in robes, and Prue just waltzes in. Why are these girls the WORST. I’m end of the episode upset and it’s the beginning of the episode. 

Jessica: Please pass that booze over.

Mari: Piper kicks Prue out, and then tells Leo that maybe they should move out. Prue and Piper moved out into an apartment before their grams died and then gave the apartment up to friends. Now those friends are moving out and called Piper to see if she wanted the apartment back. Leo asks if she’s sure about this. The 3P’s didn’t get their powers until they all moved in together so there may be some witchy ramifications to living apart. Piper is like yes, but SEX IN PRIVATE. She doesn’t say that, but I think that’s what she’s thinking. And then she tempts the fates by asking about the odds of pulling this off before the next demon attack. (J: Piper whyyyyyy….)

Cut to someone’s apartment. We gather she’s a witch on account of her kneeling in front of an altar chanting as candles float around her. This witch is played by Sherri Saum, who looks very familiar. She was on The Fosters and a bunch of other things I know tangentially, but it isn’t until the very beginning of her filmography that I place her: Sunset Beach.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

Her cat interrupts the chanting and the candles all fall. She shoos the cat away and starts again. Next, the cat jumps up on the bar and knocks over a bottle, my cat’s favorite pastime. (J: Same.) Sunset Witch turns around and is like “cat, wtf.” She watches as the cat drops another bottle and hisses at her. (J: My cat does all this too, but without the hissing, more of a “so what” kind of stare.) She asks the cat not to do this, but it knocks off a third bottle. It jumps down and stands in the mist created by the spilled contents of the bottle. I’m not clear if the cat was just knocking bottles until it found the one it needed or if Sunset Witch kept the ingredients to a bad news combination conveniently located near each other. 

Either way, the mist turns the cat into Wormtail, basically. (J: OK my cat definitely does not do THAT.) Sunset Witch screams and disappears.

I AM THE SAHN. 

Manor. Prue, Phoebe and Leo have a well-coordinated breakfast routine going. Piper just watches and gets more and more annoyed until she blurts out that they are moving. 

    

Her sisters are all HOW COULD? like they aren’t the most inconsiderate roommates. Piper says it was only a matter of time. Prue tells her she can’t just ignore her familial responsibilities. Piper knows, but now she’s got two families. Plus, Phoebe was the one who moved to New York. That’s a weird thing to point out since Piper and Prue also moved out? Phoebe additionally points out that that was pre-powers– the powers they didn’t get until Grams died. “Speaking of, what do you think she would say if she knew you were even considering this?” Man, the last three lines have been CLUNKY. Basically, they wanted to get us to Grams so we could fall into a flashback, three years earlier. (J: The first of many clunky flashbacks in this episode, unfortunately.)

Flashback: Prue is in the kitchen on the phone talking about her wedding to Roger. Wow, if you think I remembered that Prue was once engaged to a guy named Roger, LOL. Welcome to our website. 

Piper walks in and chastises Grams for drinking caffeine when the doctor said not to. Prue gets pissy because it’s too loud in the kitchen, so she asks to call whoever back. (J: Gotta love those early cord phones that anchored you in place.)

Grams shows the girls the new camera she bought. She wants to get a picture of them. Piper ignores this and asks Prue about moving out, which she mentioned when she was on her phone call. Prue is like, “um, yes, I’m engaged?” Grams keeps talking about getting a picture, and they keep ignoring her, until she grabs her chest in pain. They ask her to please take it easy, but she can’t because the doorbell rings.

    

The cops have escorted Phoebe because she was caught shoplifting. This whole exchange made me look up how old Phoebe is supposed to be at this point, and by my calculations, she was about 24 when she got her powers, six months after Grams died. So she’s 23 or 24 here. Not that 24 year olds don’t shoplift or that 24 year olds have to have their lives together, but this whole thing still played weirdly young. Also, Phoebe is the worst. 

The scene finishes with her bratting about how her future plans don’t align with Grams’ and then returning the stolen shoes to the cops. 

Present. Phoebe is shopping for shoes and wants to buy all the things. She sends the man helping her for another pair to try on when she’s attacked by Wormtail. He has the power to levitate her. She says “down boy!” and he drops her. Phoebe grabs a high heel and throws it at Wormtail so that it stabs him in the forehead. He disappears. No one saw this happen, I guess.

Jessica: Points for a creative kill, I suppose? Also, what is happening?

Mari: Super unclear.

Piper and Leo are shopping for boxes. Piper thinks they’ve gotten too many, but Leo jokes about Piper having a lot of stuff. At the car, Wormtail attacks again, levitating Piper like he did Phoebe. Piper freezes him and drops to the ground. Wormtail starts fighting his way out of the freeze. Piper asks Leo for help, and he throws her a box cutter. (J: Jeez Leo. That’s your option? Straight to stabby murder? I know they kill a lot of warlocks with spells but this feels – more?) She doesn’t want to do the stabbing thing, but then Wormtail has fought the freeze and she stabs him in a quick reaction. Wormtail disappears.

Flashback. Prue, Piper and Phoebe are standing outside of the manor being the worst, ignoring their grandmother, and refusing to take a picture. Prue is being passive aggressive because Phoebe called Roger the day before. Phoebe swears she was just looking for Prue and trying to be nice to the man who is about to join their family. Phoebe calls Roger a wimp with mother issues. (J: Whoa. Them’s fightin’ words.) Prue says Phoebe doesn’t even know the difference between what belongs to her and what belongs to Macy’s. Piper just wears a cardigan. 

Grams grabs her chest again and the girls are instantly worried. They wonder if they should call a doctor. Grams says no doctors. All she wants is a gd picture. The girls get it together long enough to take the picture we first saw in the pilot. You know, the one that was magically photoshopped so they are standing closer together. 

Present. Phoebe gets home with shoeboxes because apparently she still thought to complete her purchase before running home to tell her sisters about the warlock. Piper and Prue share that they were also attacked and soon figure out it was by the same guy. In fact, Wormtail shows up to attack some more. This time, he levitates Piper. Phoebe stabs him with an umbrella and he disappears. Piper drops on the floor. The girls all think that was really weird, like Wormtail wasn’t even trying. Prue says that they’ve all vanquished him once today, but have they? Since when do we vanquish by stabbing?

Jessica: That’s what I’m saying! Everyone got stabby out of nowhere!

Mari: Attic. Phoebe is singing annoyingly while they stand in front of the Book of Shadows. They get a magical indoor wind assist. Piper thanks Ghost Grams for that, and Phoebe notes how weird it is that they listen to Grams more now than when she was alive. Grams has directed them to instructions on performing a seance. Prue promptly tries to ignore Grams, saying she is obviously confused and closes the book. (J: Rude.) Grams insists and opens the book. 

The girls start getting ready for the seance. Piper wants to take the trunk of their ritual stuff to her new place. Prue is like no but also can we just contact the dead yet? 

They do the thing, and Ghost Sunset Witch appears. She’s kind of confused as to why she’s there, so the 3P’s catch her up quickly: they are fighting against an evil that won’t die, and she’s the one who answered their call. Sunset Witch explains that they are probably coming up against her familiar, who is now a warlock because that’s what happens to a familiar who kills their witch. Once a familiar kills their witch, they have until the next new moon to shed their old life and become immortal forever. (J: Well that’s one hell of an incentive to kill your witch, damn.) If they don’t, they’ll go back to being an animal. Since Wormtail was a cat first, he has nine old lives to shed. All the 3P’s have to do is not kill him for the next two days. Prue apologizes for using Sunset Witch like 4-1-1 so soon after her death. She says it’s okay. She’s at peace. It’s her loved ones who didn’t get to say goodbye. Prue says they are familiar with sudden loss. Sunset Witch tells them to not lose each other and sprinkles away. 

Piper blows out the candle and it throws us into a flashback. Grams’ candle just got blown out so she closes the window, relights it, and apologizes to Ghost Patty for getting disconnected. Grams is worried about the 3P’s, but Patty assures her it’s just a phase. They will come together when destiny calls. Grams isn’t so sure. She fears there is only one option if she can’t bring the girls together. Patty tells her not to be ridiculous, Grams wishes her a goodnight and blows out the candle again, the seance equivalent of hanging up the phone. 

Present. Phoebe walks into the kitchen and gets attacked by Wormtail. In the shuffle, she accidentally kills him. (J: Whoops.) Her sisters run in as she explains. Prue says that Wormtail probably won’t hurt them because he knows they are only strong enough to kill him because of the power of 3. Phoebe says that’s a hell of an assumption that could end with one of them dead. 

The girls are distracted by all of Piper’s stuff in boxes. Phoebe can’t believe she’s really doing this. Piper again reminds them that they’ve lived apart before. Prue says their lives were apart. It’s different now. They should talk this through so they know what the consequences are for all of them. Phoebe tries to change the subject to Kit (the cat), but Piper says they should talk about this. And then she walks over to the front door? I don’t know why, but it throws us into a flashback. 

Flashback. Piper opens the door and finds Kit there. She wonders why the stupid thing keeps hanging around. She shoos it as Prue joins her and asks if they can walk and talk. Prue leads by asking Piper to be her maid of honor, because she certainly isn’t gonna ask Phoebe. Piper is like “gee, thanks.” She’s also upset and worried about being left to take care of Grams alone, with Prue moving out and Phoebe being a hot mess. Piper echoes the line of talking this through and considering the consequences for all of them. And sure, she may be a little jealous because she’s bad with guys and may never find true love. Leo walks past and bumps into her. They share a look. After Piper turns away, Leo tinkles away. 

Present. The girls are at a restaurant. Piper says they’ll still hang out this way after she moves out! She isn’t going to be one of those boring married people. Prue tells her she’s never been fun. Piper says yes-huh. Now she’s Mrs. Fun. Prue is less concerned with the social aspects of living apart and more concerned with the witchy ones. Piper says they get attacked separately all the time and then they just get together and solve it. 

Wormtail shows up and says they are getting harder to find. (J: Really? It’s not like they went to an underground bunker. Maybe all the flashbacks are confusing him too.) Prue lets on to the fact that they know he was a cat. Piper lets on that they know better than to kill him. They just sit there and watch him though, having come up with exactly 0 plan. Wormtail grabs an innocent bystander and stabs her. (J: Oh shit! That escalated quickly.) Piper freezes everything, and Phoebe stabs Wormtail. I like that anytime this warlock is stabbed, he dies instantly. Hilarious. Anyway, Piper unfreezes everything and yells for someone to call 9-1-1. 

Back at the Manor, the 3P’s are sad about the innocent who got stabbed. They talk some more about how they don’t have a plan. Piper is trying to improvise a potion, but all she’s got is mud. 

Flashback. Piper joins Grams in the kitchen. Grams suggests they bake a cake. Phoebe comes downstairs to grab her keys. Grams invites Phoebe to join them, and she just blankly stares at Grams, like the worst that she is, and leaves. Piper sees that Grams is also cooking something and helps out by adding a few ingredients. Grams smiles. She tells Piper she was born for cooking and shouldn’t be wasting her talents behind the counter at a bank. Piper is like “yes, but health insurance and hospital bills and who is going to pay for the house?” She says she’s sorry if she’s disappointing Grams. She’s just doing what she has to do. They hug and Piper leaves. Grams says to herself that she’s also doing what she has to. She turkey basters some potion into a glass bottle. She says the girls aren’t ready. She has to stop them from becoming… 

Present. “The Charmed Ones,” Wormtail says as he sits on their couch. He asks what he has to do to get one of them to kill him. Prue is pretty confident that they won’t, especially considering that at minute 28, they still don’t have any sort of plan. Piper freezes him, but he fights out of it quicker this time. No explanation as to why, just happens. Wormtail threatens to keep killing and killing until they kill him. Prue can’t take it and telekinesises a letter opener into his heart. Two more lives to go. She suggests maybe, I don’t know, trying to come up with a plan, and revisiting the Book of Shadows. 

Flashback. Grams is looking in the Book of Shadows. Ghost Patty asks why now. Grams says she is unwell and when she dies, the girls get their powers. They aren’t ready. Patty argues that it’s their destiny. Grams wants to know who they are to decide the girls will be witches. Patty asks who they are to decide they won’t be. Grams says it’s her responsibility to protect the 3P’s. She hangs up on Ghost Patty again, closes the Book of Shadow, puts it away in her trunk, and grabs her potion. On the way down from the attic, Grams screams, drops the potion and falls down the stairs. (J: Like super dramatically falls, head over heels. The stunt person over-sells this like wow.) Piper finds her and yells for help. 

After a not!break, we are in the attic where the 3P’s have just killed Wormtail for the 8th time. Phoebe muses on how unfair it is that this guy keeps cheating death. She comes up with an idea of showing him what death is really like but freezing him in the moment of death and magnifying his death pains so he feels all 9 deaths and it might actually kill him. 

idk, go with it. The girls do because they have no other plans. 

Flashback. Piper finds Grams’s discarded potion. Prue finds her and asks if she’s okay. She’s not. She doesn’t know how to deal with everything that comes with Grams’s death and the fact that there is no one left to help them. Prue tells Piper that the service was beautiful, for what it’s worth. Piper says she liked what Prue said. Prue wonders if Grams heard it, and Piper thinks she did. 

Phoebe is in the living room. Prue and Piper join her as they wonder what Grams was even doing in the attic. Phoebe thinks it’s more important to talk about what comes next for them all. Prue is about to move out. No one likes her. Grams was the glue that was holding them together. Piper offers to cook them a meal so they can talk about this. Prue can’t because she’s spending the night with Roger. Phoebe says she’s actually going to leave because no one likes her. She’s going to go try and find her destiny in New York. Piper is clearly distraught and Prue is just like okay bye. 

Present. The girls have their potion, spell and pointy object. Piper wants to know how confident they are in their plan, but then decides it’s best not to know. 

Wormtail busts in. The girls are like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Let’s kill you. He kind of suspects that they have something up their sleeve, but not enough to do anything about it.

    

The girls stab him, freeze him, throw the potion, and recite the spell so that he can feel his nine deaths. They unfreeze him and some like death ghosts fly around him? And he screams in pain until he explodes? Great! Good job team!

Warlock defeated, Phoebe asks if there is anything special Piper wants to do on her last day in the Manor. She asks for a couple of minutes alone. Her sisters go upstairs, and she sits down with a box of her stuff. It includes Grams’s power binding potion. Piper notices for the first time that there is a paper stuck on the bottom. She pulls it off, opens and reads. 

The next morning, Leo is loading up the car. He notices that something is up with Piper and asks if everything is okay. She says no. This doesn’t feel right. She doesn’t think her sisters are ready to test living apart again. Plus, she found Grams’s power binding potion and thinks Grams was willing to do that to keep the sisters together. I have no idea why Piper thinks Grams was binding their powers to keep them together. How would not having powers keep them together exactly? Whatever. Piper doesn’t want to move, and she waited until Leo packed up their car with everything to say so. Cool. Hope they didn’t sign a lease.

Inside, Phoebe and Prue want to talk to Piper. Prue is giving up the master bedroom so Piper has more room. And Phoebe is moving all of her stuff out of the one bathroom so Piper and Leo can have some privacy. Piper thanks them both with hugs and everyone is happy to still be living together. 

In the attic, Ghost Grams closes the Book of Shadows and the triquetra glows. 

Jessica: How much you want to bet that the powers binding potion shows up again at some point? Also, I’d be giving any cats a lot of side-eye if I were the 3P’s. Immortality as a reward for betrayal and murder might be a tough one to turn down.

Mari: Can’t believe it wasn’t until your comments at the end that I thought of whipping out the old “cats will eat you” tag.

Wow.

 

Next time on Charmed: A demon uses the seven deadly sins to attack in S03 E18 – Sin Francisco.