Previously: Ana attends a charity event hosted by Grey’s parents with balls in her vagina. That’s not a metaphor for anything; there were actual balls in her vagina.
—
Lorraine: When we left Ana, she had just bid $24,000 in the charity auction to spend a weekend at a property Grey owns. Ana is insta-regretting this decision, and blaming it on the a-a-a-a-alcohol.
Her second thought, after the alcohol one, is that Grey is going to be PISSED. She tells us that her “subconscious has finally decided to make an appearance, and she’s wearing her Edvard Munch Scream face.”
Something tells me we are supposed to be impressed by the reference, because, you know, Ana reads and is educated. Instead, I’m stuck at the part where her subconscious has an Edvard Munch Scream face.
Sweeney: Ana, we all know that you got this reference from a coloring book. Still, I think I’m actually leaning towards being moderately impressed by this new face of her subconscious.
Lor:
“Christian leans over to me, a large fake smile plastered across his face. He kisses my cheek and then moves closer to whisper in my ear in a very cold, controlled voice.
“I don’t know whether to worship at your feet or spank the living shit out of you.”
Hmm.
1.) We know that E.L. James is completely disconnected from reality but here it is in a more subtle way. Not even considering the “spank the living shit” part, which we’ll get to. I mean, imagine that this were seriously a BDSM erotica book (it isn’t) and that he meant this in a sexytimes way (he probably doesn’t) the whole “sex appeal” here is RUINED by what Grey does first. (a) – fake smile and (b) – whispers in her ear in a cold voice.
Do fake smiles and cold voices speak sexy times to anyone reading this? Anyone? Anyone?
Sweeney: One of the complaints we occasionally get is that we’re not clear enough on this point, so I’m jumping in for a general +1 to what you’ve just said: THIS IS NOT A REAL BDSM BOOK. I mean, no, I’ve never read a real one, so I can’t tell you what that looks like. That being said, I’m totally inclined to support the idea of erotica being popular, but I can’t go there because this relationship is clearly AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP. This is NOT to say that BDSM = abuse, but that the relationship depicted in the Fifty Shades trilogy IS an abusive relationship. I think we’ve articulated this point on a few occasions, but it seems worthwhile to reiterate it now, in the plainest language I can. (Although, this is to say nothing of the more important fact that this whole project is all in good fun, and not some sort of socially conscious effort we’ve taken up. BUT STILL.)
Lor: 2.) Grey, there is a whooooole lot of options between “worship at your feet” and “spank the living shit out of you.” Just a plethora of other options.
3.) I cannot get behind “spank the shit out of you,” as a dirty talk. Sorry. I’m not even talking about the “spank” part, because I would protest “fuck the shit out of you” too. Think about that visual. Think about it.
Sweeney: Thanks, Lor.
Lor: Merry Christmas.
Ana, for her part, thinks that being hit until she expels feces sounds amazing, and whisper informs Grey that she selects that option over being worshiped.
Grey does that thing again where his “lips part as he inhales.” I don’t know if this has always been happening and I am just noticing it, but now I have to track this too. Because Christian Grey as a mouth breather makes absolute sense.
Grey murmur-asks if Ana is suffering, not on account of his mouth breathing, but because of the cooter-balls that have left her all hot and bothered.
These two crazy kids keep watching the auction and Grey surreptitiously places Ana’s hand on his leg and then, whoops! Her hand is on his erection. Seeing as how they are sitting at a table with his parents and grandparents, Ana figures the best thing to do is to feel him up. His mouth hangs open again and he’s gasping but no one seems to notice? Ana describes her touch as inexperienced. Seeing as how she’s had sex like 87 times now, though, I’m going to go ahead and say not so much. But he wants her you guys! He wants her so much and the thought makes “everything south of [her] navel contract.”
UM. So… like her knees? Are her toes really tense right now? Is she half rigor mortised? DOES NO ONE NOTICE?
Sweeney: A+
Also, all of this “hanging with the parents = let’s fuck” business just has to stop.
Lor: The auction ends and our pair is anxious to get going, but Mia pulls Ana away to something called a first dance auction. Grey murmurs that their first dance will be the horizontal mambo, or something like that. Ana’s inner goddess “performs a perfect triple Salchow in her ice skates.”
Look, back when that bitch was doing gentle, victorious sambas, it was dumb but you kind of understand, right? Like a victory dance. Why is this bitch suddenly ice skating? WHY IS SHE ICE SKATING?
Sweeney: Her new hobby is apparently becoming a constant mixed metaphor of Olympic athleticism. I mean, no mixed metaphor this time, but putting her in skates is kind of like the set-up. I support it, because putting blades on her feet sounds like it’s also a great set-up for the “AND THEN SHE DIES” game.
Lor: True story: I’ve never ice skated because my mother warned me to tuck my fingers in if I fell on the ice, on account of blades. That was enough for me to be all, “well. No.”
Mia drags Ana on stage, where other girls have gathered, including Lily/Jessica. The MC announces that the ladies will be auctioning off their first dance and Ana is horrified because when Mia said, “the first dance auction. Come on,” Ana thought they would definitely not be auctioning of first dances. Mia tries to comfort Ana by saying that of course Grey will buy her because she is his chattel he would never let anyone dance with her.
Ana tries to comfort herself with that thought, but then she feels bad about him giving more money to charity as she’s already bid his $24,000. She goes back and forth for a paragraph about whether or not she wants Grey to win her and then thinks, “why am I arguing with myself?”
Sweeney: WORD. Also, before this she points out that she has gotten away with her impulsive bid. Um, what? It was her own damn money that she didn’t feel comfortable receiving and so she disposed of it as she saw fit. More importantly, is it just me or does the fact that she tacitly agreed to have fecal matter beaten out of her suggest sort of the opposite? Never mind the fact that she probs also signed herself up for a week in a Murder Cabin, because the point right now is that she isn’t GETTING AWAY with anything because (1) There is nothing to get away with -and- (2) She agreed she deserved to get beaten up for it.
Explaining shit to Ana is exhausting.
Lor: Just wait until we get to the “understanding Grey” portion of this recap.
The MC calls the first girl up and makes up a biography about her. She gets sold for $5000.
Mia whisper-says that she hopes Grey really does win Ana, as she wouldn’t want to see a brawl. She further explains that Grey was very “hot-headed” when he was young.
“Christian brawling? Refined, sophisticated, likes-Tudor-choral-music Christian? I can’t see it.”
Oh, girl. Let me help you: Christian brawling? Violent, manipulative, constantly agitated and likes complete control Christian? Yep. I can see it.
Sweeney: We say this far too often, but, Ana: WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN FOR THE LAST BOOK-AND-A-HALF?
Lor: Lacing up her ice skates, yo.
Another girl gets sold for $4000.
Mia and Ana continue talking about Grey’s private life while they are up on stage in front of hundreds of people. Grey fought a lot during his early teens, but suddenly stopped when he was about 15. Ana says another piece of the puzzle falls in place for her, and I’m assuming she jumps to the same conclusion I did: Grey didn’t have time to fight anymore since he was busy being statutory raped at age 15.
Sweeney: FUCK. I don’t want to keep doing this, but I have to: Right, so, he was SAVED by Mrs. Rape, he claims. In short, Mrs. Rape taught him that he could stop beating the shit out of people out in public because he could get all that aggression out in the bedroom. No, he didn’t need years of therapy for his soap opera level fucked background; he needed to learn how to beat people and call it love! This is really the heart and soul of how E. L. James has conflated BDSM with actual abuse and, horrifyingly, a staggering number of women have readily decided to eat that shit up. Being a genuine psychopath is now just a kink (or, put another way, having a kink is akin to being a psychopath). AWESOME.
Lor: I don’t know whether to give you an A+ or a long, long hug.
It’s Ana’s turn for auction and before the MC can even finish introducing her, Grey bids $10,000. Some guy bids $15,000 and it appears that Grey knows him. Ana is super embarrassed because her milkshake is bringing all the boys to the yard. Or something. Not only that, but Grey ends up biding $100,000 and LIFE IS SO HARD FOR ANA STEELE.
After Ana is off stage, he quickly leads her away as they have half an hour before the $100,000 dance.
Grey takes Ana up to his old room and murmur-says that he’s never brought a girl there. They undress in preparation for their quickie, but Grey wants Ana to keep the mask on. He says that he was pretty upset when she bid with the money he gave her, but then remembered that he said he would never, ever punish her again.
“I vowed to myself I would not spank you again, even if you begged me.”
“Please,” I beg.”
LOL. HOKAY.
Seriously, he says some shit about how the cooter balls have prepared her for this moment. Something like that. I’m sorry. I can’t always follow Grey logic. So, he is totally going to spank her BUT she has to remember to use the safe word if she needs it, less he beat her to death and it be her fault.
Sweeney: It’s pretty typical Christian Grey logic: “I set you up with the cooter balls, so I’ll break my otherwise TOTES SERIOUS vow about the spankings just for you, baby. It’s not because it’s what I want or anything! I’m doing this for you!“
Lor: He takes Ana across his lap and ties her hands with his bow tie.
Grey asks why she suddenly wants a spanking.
“I don’t know why… You tell me not to overthink. After a day like today-arguing about the money, Leila, Mrs. Robinson, the dossier on me, the roadmap, the lavish party masks, the alcohol, the silver balls, the auction… I want this.”
That was all in her head. To Grey, she only asks if she needs a reason and he’s all NOPE and gets to spanking.
And… I mean… why does E.L. have to ruin everything?!
Sweeney: Because ruining things is her favorite thing ever. It’s the only plausible explanation.
Lor: She could’ve just been all, “I want this because I’m horny, drunk and the party masks are fun times for all,” and then we’d all be all, “oh, okay. Cool. BDSM. Pain and pleasure. Control. Got it.”
Instead, Ana’s mental list of reasons for wanting a spanking include the older woman who raped Grey who she feels inferior to, the mentally unhealthy woman who is trying to kill them and the file of information that Grey keeps on her.
HOW DOES ANY OF THAT MAKE SENSE OR SEEM SEXY AT ALL?
So Grey spanks Ana 12 times, fingers her, says “this will be quick” which is always super sexy, and murmurs 6 times in this scene alone.
They get up and get dressed and Ana looks over some pictures Grey has up on a pin board. She notices a small black and white photograph of someone who Ana says looks familiar. Ana asks who it is and Grey brushes her off meaning it is someone super important. Black and white means it’s old so I’m going to guess a really old vampire?
WHOOPS. WRONG BOOK.
Probably his crack whore mom then? Unfortunately, I’m sure we’ll eventually find out.
We cut back to the party where Grey and Ana have that dance and nobody gives a fuck. Someone comes over and asks to cut in, and it’s Dr. Flynn, who is also the man that was counter-bidding Grey for Ana. Is this appropriate? I mean, I’d be pretty pissed if my psychologist showed up at my parents house and started bidding on my girlfriend for shits and giggles, but I’m probably strange that way.
Dr. Flynn is young and handsome-but-LOL-not-as-handsome-as-Christian. Ana is freaking about about what they should talk about.
“What do I say to him? Why is Christan so fucked-up? Why did he bid on me? It’s the only thing I want to ask him, but somehow that seems rude.”
But.. but… that’s two things you want to ask him, so which is the “only-” You know what? Never mind.
Sweeney: I can briefly set aside my rage to marvel at how meta it is to wonder at Ana and her awful grammar/general stupidity working for a publishing company, while reading a book that was clearly deemed worthy of publication by someone just like Ana. Then I think about how much money these books have made and I just get super sad.
Lor: Have some wine.
They chat about which of them is the most dull and thankfully the song is over and he leaves. Grey pulls her into another dance and Ana “teases” that Dr. Flynn told her everything.
“Well, in that case, I’ll get your bag. I’m sure you want nothing more to do with me,” he says softly.
I stop. “He didn’t tell me anything!” My voice fills with panic.
Christian blinks before relief floods his face. He pulls me into his arms again. “Then let’s enjoy this dance.”
WHAT? DO NOT KEEP DANCING WITH HIM. If you tell a guy, “hey I met your psychologist” and his reaction is, “I guess you never want to see me again now,” maybe run?
Ana keeps dancing until she needs a potty break. En route, she runs into a woman who says she’s been wanting to talk to her all evening. She’s got a mask on, so of course Ana has no idea this person is. GOSSIP GIRL?
Sweeney: PLEASE?
Lor: Nope, Mrs. Rape. She sits with Ana and says that it’s clear to her that Christian is in love with her, even though his inability to express positive emotions keeps him from realizing or expressing it. Ana is in disbelief.
“A hundred images dance through my head: the iPad, the gliding, flying to see me, all his actions, his possessiveness, one hundred thousand dollars for a dance. Is this love?”
1.) The iPad was not love; it was a way to circumvent having to actually discuss Ana’s issues with the relationship. That’s manipulation.
2.) The gliding was him taking you to do something he likes. That’s a date.
3.) The flying to see you would’ve been nice had you not said, “please do not come see me.” That’s stalking.
4.) All his actions I would label as “evidence.”
5.) His possessiveness is his possessiveness. That does not love make.
6.) One hundred thousand dollars for a dance is his possessiveness and his need to claim his territory. Does a dog love a hydrant?
So, you know, no.
Sweeney: There are not enough standing ovation gifs in the world to properly express my feelings.
Lor: OHSTOPIT.
Mrs. Rape threatens Ana.
“I’ve never seen him so happy, and it’s obvious that you have feelings for him, too.” A brief smile flits across her lips. “That’s great, and I wish you both the best of everything. But what I wanted to say is if you hurt him again, I will find you, lady, and it won’t be pleasant when I do.”
It appears that after Ana broke up with him for a nanosecond, Grey went crying to Mrs. Rape. Ana for her part just laughs in her face.
“I’m laughing at your audacity, Mrs. Lincoln. Christian and I have nothing to do with you. And if I do leave him and you come looking for me, I’ll be waiting – don’t doubt it. And maybe I’ll give you a taste of your own medicine on behalf of the fifteen-year-old child you molested and probably fucked up even more than he already was.”
BAM. I mean, I was going to make a bigger deal about this probably being the best Ana moment ever, but she threatens Mrs. Rape with “a taste of her medicine” and I’m pretty sure that means she’s threatening to rape her? I’m confused now. Dammit.
Christian finds Ana and she’s pissy with him and says Mrs. Rape threatened her. Grey offers to talk to her but Ana doesn’t want that either. I’m not really sure what she wants other than, “Mrs. Rape to not exist,” so it’s whatever. Ana finally gets to a bathroom and when she comes out, Grey is on the phone telling Mrs. Rape to leave Ana alone.
Ana’s mood has softened a little so they decide to stay for the fireworks. Grey defends Mrs. Rape a some more and then Papa Grey wants to dance with Ana. She uses this time to pry. Papa Grey reveals that Momma Grey was the doctor called when they found baby Grey all abandoned and stuff. He didn’t talk for nearly two years after being adopted and it was the magic of piano playing that finally brought him out of his shell. That and Mia. Papa Grey goes on about how good for Grey Ana is. How happy he is. How SHE’S SAVING HIM. YOU CAN SAVE A MAN, EVERYONE.
Sweeney: YEP! No need to leave your abusive boyfriend, ladies, because the right thing to do is stick around and SAVE HIM!
Lor: The song ends and Grey comes over and we have a whole, “Ana is so perfect, everyone loves her!” moment because the point of this whole chapter was to bring Ana into society so we can tell how much everyone loves her and how her magic, ball slinging cooch is worth $100,000. Whoopee!
They watch the fireworks show and it is super amazing because they are rich and they fill their fireworks with gold and dreams. Taylor and the other security guards are nearby, though, so Ana briefly remembers that someone is trying to kill her, and it’s kind of a downer.
As they wait for the crowd to thin, Grey asks after his silver balls, and Ana’s all, “yeah, they’re chilling in my purse.” Grey wants them back because he doesn’t trust her with them. Something like that. Seriously, guys, Grey logic is like a rocket science. I’m only a lowly blogger. I do my best.
Grey wants to dance some more, but Ana is too tired so they start to take their leave. Mia comes after them, and says her goodbyes after Grey explains that they have a big day the next day. Mia invites Ana to the mall in the next week. Ana makes some stupid remark about how she has to work for a living, because woe is the girl that just spent $24,000 of her boyfriend’s money. Everyone loves Ana some more and everyone is so so happy about the effect she has on Grey, repeat, repeat, repeat.
Ana asks what their plans are for the next day and Grey explains that Dr. Best in Seattle is coming for another visit and more birth control. Ana asks why and Grey says because the condom factory in his pocket from whence he “produces” all his condoms is on strike.
JAYKAY. He hates condoms.
Sweeney: Before we get to the actual PUNCHAWALL moment that’s coming, I’ll interject to point out that he drops on her, without warning, that the doctor is coming by “to sort you out.” I already can’tfuckingeven, but continue:
Lor:
“It’s my body,” I mutter, annoyed that he hasn’t asked me.”
“It’s mine, too,” he whispers.
UM. NO. IT ISN’T.
YOU DO NOT GET TO MAKE THAT DECISION FOR HER, TREMENDODOUCHE.
Ana’s all, “yeah. True. My body is his because he knows it better than I do.” WHAT? NO. WHAT THE FUCK? I almost made it out of this chapter without all consuming rage. WHAT IS THIS?
Sweeney: Words escape me, but I’m so angry, that I want there to be words. I want words to express the HULKSMASHPLUS feeling in my blood, but I can’t find them. These are the moments where it’s hard to remember that this project was meant to be all in good fun because it makes me ill.
Lor: Just to echo Sweeney, it’s moments like these where it’s difficult to remember that we took this on as an entertainment project and not a socially conscious effort. The part where reading this gives me knots in my stomach, though, sometimes brings me back to reality.
Alas, the chapter isn’t over yet:
As they are getting in the car, Taylor hands Ana a note and it’s from Mrs. Rape. It has her phone number in case Ana ever wants to talk. She signs it “Mrs. Robinson,” so apparently Grey told her that Ana gave her that nickname. REALLY? That’s weird.
Grey is irritated by Mrs. Rape being so persistent. To lighten the mood, Ana decides to give Grey back his balls. The silver ones, just for clarification. Ana falls asleep on the ride home. As they approach the apartment, though, they get news from one of the security guards that someone has slashed the tires and thrown paint on Ana’s Audi.
Taylor and some other guards are going to check inside the apartment to see if the Ghost of Submissives Past is in there. Grey doesn’t want to wait while this happens and leaves Ana with a security guy. Grey enters the apartment and Ana freaks out as “all manner of horrific outcomes run through [her] mind.”
All she can do is wait.
All we can do is hope for some Christian Grey maiming!
See you next time!
Murmur Count – 15
Whisper Count – 13
Special thanks to Buttercup who sent me an email with a link to angry gifs, so I wouldn’t run out for a least a handful of posts. <3
Favorite comment last post: Is anyone else incredibly disturbed by the fact that Ana put her $11 billionty shoes on BEFORE her dress? And then put the balls in her cooter AFTER she put on her dress? Does this seem bass ackward to anyone else? Shouldn’t the proper order be cooter-balls, dress, shoes? EL James makes me question everything about my life! All those ordinary mundane chores to get through a day and now I’m not sure I’m doing them in the right order…! – Gavin Chesley
Thanks for cooter-balls!
Next time on Fifty Shades Darker: What sort of forced birth control will Grey spring on Ana? Find out in Chapter 8.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
