Previously: Diana is a reluctant witch and Matthew is an asshole vampire.
—
Episode 2
Marines: The actress who played Lula Landry in the C.B. Strike series sits at an outdoor cafe. She spots a white, lanky boy with dark hair nearby heading to meet his friends. Someone shouts his name in greeting– Mathieu. (T: Damn, how many different Matthews does one TV show need?) Lula sexily watches Mathieu and his friends, following him around sexily, and smiling at him sexily, until he’s like “yes, I enjoy this sexy stalking.” Mathieu abandons his friends to go kiss Lula in an alley. She pushes him away to note that she used to know someone named Matthew, but he corrects her. He’s a white, lanky, dark haired Mathieu. It’s different.
They start having public sex, and everything is fun and games until Lula bites down on Mathieu’s neck. (T: He looks so betrayed!) He pulls up his pants and runs away, but not far or fast enough. Lula catches up to him and calls him Matthew again before biting into his chest. Both of these things are rude, but one of them is way ruder.
It seems we’re going to get the same Matthew voice over about the creatures of the world disappearing and in every ending there is a new beginning? Maybe to signify the non-credit credits, I’ll just scream SOME OTHER BEGINNING’S END at you.
Rebecca: They were really over proud of that opening monologue.
Mari: God knows why.
Matthew arrives at a house and tells his friend that he didn’t need to be there. (T: And compliments his new trousers!) The man, Hamish, sarcastically greets Matthew with a “good to see you too” and helps him unload his bags.
Inside, Hamish pours Matthew a glass of wine. Matthew thanks him by insulting his interior decorating. Hamish asks wtf is going on with him, assuring him that it can’t be too fucked up for Hamish to handle. They are, after all, vampire and demon besties. Matthew takes a sip of his wine, menacingly, and explains that he came here to get away from a witch he’s craving. (R: She’s not a fucking burger, Matthew.)
Diana sleeps the sleep of the highly stalked aka not great sleep. She’s dreaming of spiders and being stuck in a web again. Something is crawling under her sheets, and I look away and can’t tell you more because I have to go to sleep after this and I would like to actually sleep, thank you very much.
Rebecca: Was just a pretty bad CGI spider. Also the white webbing on her hand looks… Ummmmm….
Thais: Also, the spider screams at her? I couldn’t tell if it was that or the music swelling.
Mari: If the spider was yelling at her, that’s just messed up.
When Diana wakes, she notices that the burn on her hand is pulsing in a totally not normal burn way. She finds Matthew’s business card at her desk and seems to consider it.
When she leaves her apartment, she finds that Matthew has returned her work out sweater to her mailbox. She smiles at it, as if it’s the most thoughtful thing she’s ever seen. Like aw how cute, he returned my property after sniffing it deeply triggering his deep need to kill me.
Rebecca: Now THIS is a bar to romance I hadn’t considered. Bringing back my clothes you steal after burying your nasty face in them. My husband has a whole new bar to hop over! Should be easy it’s buried 10 ft underground,
Thais: She needs to burn those clothes immediately!
Mari: Nah, she’s too busy smiling at them.
A man walks into a morgue. The attendant bars his way because he needs permission to be there. Morgue Man assures the attendant that his boss will be calling to give permission in three seconds. The phone rings, the attendant agrees to whatever is spoken, and promptly shows Morgue Man the body he wants to see: Mathieu’s corpse.
The attendant rolls out Mathieu’s corpse and explains that he’s completely bloodless and there was no blood at the scene. The attendant shares what other details he knows: he was a Frenchman named Mathieu. Morgue Man’s ears perk up because Mathieu sounds like Matthew. Somewhere, in the afterlife, Mathieu is like IT’S MATHIEU, GODDAMMIT. (T: Morgue Man’s ass is about to get haunted! #hauntearth)
Countryside. Matthew is dressed like a house thief while Hamish drives him out into some fields. (T: When did this turn into a car commercial?) Matthew has spotted a moose and gets ready to hunt. We are sadly exposed to some vampire super fast running and bad moose running CGI. The music wants us to believe that this is v dramatic and serious. I only feel deep sadness in my eyes.
Rebecca: Wait did I put on Twilight by accident?
Thais: And does that mean Matthew is a “vegetarian?”
Mari: Deep. Sadness. In. My Eyes.
Bodleian. Diana greets Sean and notes that it seems to be busy in there today. Sean isn’t sure why since the semester hasn’t started yet. He hands books to Diana who walks to her usual spot to find that almost every seat is full of unusual characters.
Oh god, more moose running.
And back to the library Diana sits and tries to get started with her work, but she can feel someone watching her. She looks up; It’s Satu. She’s almost immediately interrupted by Alliser Thorne Knox. He asks about the Ashmole book. Diana tries to evade him, but when he brings up her mother, he has her attention.
The moose stops running and bows to Matthew’s superior CGI, or whatever. Matthew chomps into the moose.
Thais: And why the goofy outfit? Is he planning to run tech for a play after?
Mari: It’s the only explanation.
Diana walks with Alliser Knox, asking if he also knew her father. Knox only knew him a little. He met Diana’s mother when they were teenagers. Knox says she was very fond of her and Diana is smiling. She was the appropriate amount of distrustful a scene ago, but not for the appropriate amount of time. She’s just enjoying someone talk about her “passionate, clever, stubborn as a mule” mother. Knox claims he’s wanted to introduce himself to Diana for a long time, but her aunt is very protective. They walk into a restaurant and Satu is nearby, watching.
Rebecca: Survival skills of a squirrel crossing the fucking street.
Thais: Yeah, maybe Diana was right in rejecting being a witch. I imagine witches need to be a bit more discerning of their company.
Mari: Matthew rejoins Hamish, feeling better now that he’s chomped moose. Hamish advises that he stay away from the witch, but Matthew can’t. She has something he needs.
At tea, Knox asks again how Diana got Ashmole 782. She swears she just got it the normal way. Knox is suspicious because he requested Ashmole 782 that morning and it wasn’t there. “Not there?” Diana asks in such a garbled accent, I had to look up where Teresa Palmer is from. (Australia) (T: It’s those extra round ‘o’ sounds.) Diana swears she returned 782. Knox thinks maybe it can only be called up on the equinox or maybe there is a spell on it. His questions get more and more insistent. Diana asks why this is so important. Knox explains that it may contain the witches’ first spells and explain how they created vampires. Knox is very anti-vampire and would like the book to uncreate all the vampires. (R: Ew dude I no longer want to join your coven.) Diana says she will not have any part of vampire genocide. She tries to leave, but Knox grabs her by the arm and tells her she has to try and recall it. Diana pulls away from him and leaves, though he calls after her that they’ll be seeing each other again. Satu walks in after Knox. He says they are going to have to use firmer tactics.
Thais: That sounds gross, and I don’t like it.
Mari: Morgue Man visits Lula (Juliette). She says her father is not to be disturbed, but Morgue Man thinks Papa is going to want to hear what he has to say. Juliette takes Morgue Man to her Papa and is then dismissed.
Diana is sitting with Gillian, filing her in on her meeting with Knox and how the whole vampire murder thing feels wrong. Gillian is like “eh. Just cooperate.” (T: Ugh. Shut up, Gillian!) Diana is not convinced. She would like to just lead a normal life. She can’t even continue her paper because the library is so full of creatures. Gillian asks if the vampire is still following her around. Because she hasn’t seen him in like half a day, Diana thinks Matthew has “given up” on her. Gillian thinks this is good news, but Diana isn’t sure. There was something about him. Maybe it was the way he tried really, really hard not to murder her, even though he really, really wanted to. (R: swoon) Diana laments not asking Matthew more about the book while she had the chance. Gillian is like ew, no, because vampires are the worst. Diana asks if she’s even talked to one. Gillian points out that Diana’s talked to exactly one. Things get awkward, especially when Diana insists that Matthew didn’t seem as prejudiced against witches as witches seem to be against vampires.
I’m honestly baffled. What… when…. how were we supposed to gather from episode 1 that they had an at ALL positive interaction??? Was it the library creeping? When he super ran away from her? The stalking? When he sniffed her sweater? WHAT ARE WE BASING THIS ON?
Rebecca: No logic here. I get her wanting to get a vampire involved because she doesn’t want them to be, you know, killed forever. But she should have no desire to see Matthew again. Especially alone. HE SNIFFED YOUR SWEATER, MY DUDE. DEEPLY. AND THEN GROWLED AT YOU LIKE A GODDAMN BEAR.
Thais: And why would she have such strong opinions about something she knows so little about? So far, Diana’s method of dealing with things has been to bury her head in the sand and refuse to discuss anything magic. But suddenly when it has to do with this random stalker dude she’s said barely 10 words to, it’s a huge deal that she must suddenly take up as a cause?!
Mari: BAFFLED.
Hamish’s House. Matthew and Hamish have very serious chats about what a good thing finding the book would be for the struggling vampire and demon communities. They also stare deeply into each other’s eyes for an uncomfortable amount of time.
Lab. Miriam is doing science-y things (T: SCIENCE!). Marcus walks in eagerly asking for what they found on Dead James. Miriam rather callously breaks the news that James’s blood work came back normal and so the problem is with Marcus.
Diana is sprinting to the end of her run. She checks her time and is startled by Satu, who just shows up and creepily notes how fast she is. Whenever Satu is speaking, just imagine that it is said both beautifully and murder…y.
Mari: Satu grabs Diana’s hand and notes the burn, guessing that the book did it to her. She ups the creepy factor by 3-4 points, rolls her eyes into her head, and recites some incantation. Once her eyes are back from their field trip, she says that someone did something to Diana. Or maybe she did something to herself. Diana tries to stomp away, but Satu calls after her and asks if she fears persecution. Diana says yeah, suddenly, she’s feeling real wary of being persecuted. Diana knows that Satu was with Peter Knox and sends him the message that she won’t get the book out for him. Satu says this is also about her, though. Diana stomps away, part 2.
Rebecca: I found my ship!!!
Thais: 1000% more chemistry than with Matthew.
Mari: To be clear, Satu is also a stalker, but she’s better looking and has better chemistry with our main character. If you are going to want me to ship Diana with a potential murderer, DO IT THIS WAY.
Diana calls her Magic Aunt (not River Song, the other one) and asks about Alliser Thorne Knox. The tl;dr is that he loved Diana’s mom, was salty when she married someone else, got into dark magic, and is not to be trusted.
Thais: So Knox is Severus Snape. Got it.
Mari:
Rebecca: I have the subtitles on and apparently Papa’s name is GERBERT? OhhhoHHOHHhhohh How scary!
Mari: Isn’t that… baby food?
Thais: He makes up for the name by locking Juliette in the dungeon!
Mari: Fair.
Hamish and Matthew are playing chess while still expositing how important 782 is and what the demon, vampire, witch hierarchy is like. Hamish gets checkmate and clunkily explains that there is more to chess than protecting your queen. Then, they stare at each other deeply for like 10 seconds in total silence. (T: Is Hamish his ex or something?)
Oxford. Diana shows up at a boring staff party thrown by the dean and is immediately pulled into conversation by another professor who reminds her about that homework she’s supposed to working on from episode 1. He then says he has someone to introduce her to, someone whose specialty is in occult sciences. It’s Alliser Knox again. That crow gets around. He tells her that alchemy is a heck of a subject for someone who claims to lack interest in magic. (T: That’s what I said last time!) She clarifies that she lacks aptitude, not interest. He asks if she’s sure about that. The book did come to her and no one else. She’s already explained that she doesn’t know how or why. Alliser Knox reveals that he knows vampires are following her, so hopefully this finally makes her suspicious of Gillian. The point is that Diana still won’t call the book up for Alliser Knox because she doesn’t particularly like the idea of uncreating a species. She gets a nice burn in, too, when she ends by saying that she’s like her mother: once she’s made up her mind, she doesn’t change it.
Rebecca: You’ve changed your mind about Matthew 8 times in 1 and a half episodes what are you talking about?
Mari: lol
As Diana’s walking away, Alliser Knox telepathies into her head, telling her he needs the book and she better not make him forces her to recall it. She walks outside, but Knox is still in her head, saying she can’t get rid of him that easily. Diana looks up to see him standing by a window.
Thais: We’re only a couple episodes in, and the men in this show are such catches. /s
Mari: Her hands glow the glow of magic and she telepathically yells at him to get out of her head. Her magic is so forceful, it blows out the window Knox is standing in front of. Diana is shook. Too shook to realize Satu was nearby, watching.
Knox visits Gillian who is all shaky and nervous but whatever, I don’t feel bad for her. Knox reveals that Diana performed elemental magic the previous night, but Gillian had no idea she could. Knox plants the idea that maybe Diana has been using magic to be better than Gillian (it’s the subtext) and that’s why Diana never talks about her magic.
Thais: Gillian’s mad because she’s supposed to be the shifty one in their relationship.
Mari: It’s her thing.
Just then, there’s a knock on the door. Wow, it’s Diana, who did not put the pieces together. I’m disappointed but not surprised. She’s confronted with the truth, though, when Knox walks into her line of vision. She looks at Gillian in disbelief and is still very shook as she walks away and starts flashing back to the last two episodes, putting pieces together.
Rebecca: I’m glad they gave us all these flashbacks. So helpful! Love when a story spoon feeds me like this.
Thais: When you’re protagonist can’t seem to think even one step ahead of what she’s doing, I guess they feel everyone is this dumb.
Mari: Speaking of dumb, Diana’s conclusion is that she should go seek out Matthew. I’m just going to have to accept that despite all the evidence pointing toward him being a stalker, this is happening, huh?
Rebecca: I guess, somehow, he’s still a little less creepy that some of these other assholes following her around.
Mari: High praise indeed.
Diana sits in Matthew’s room and tells him about Knox and Satu. He’s facing away from her, struggling to get his deep, urgent need to commit a homicide under control. (R: Swoon Part III.) He tells her to CALM DOWN because her adrenaline is very high. (T: Nothing turns me on more than a man telling a woman to calm down.) She’s surprised he can smell her adrenaline, but I’m not. I’m only surprised I’m here, again, in a piece of media where I have to contemplate the intricacies of a vampire’s super sense of smell and what that would actually mean.
After Diana calms down a bit, Matthew asks what she’s doing here since she didn’t want to see him ever again like one hot second ago. A GREAT QUESTION, MATTHEW. She says she has no one to talk to and no friends to trust. (R: WHAT ABOUT YOUR GAY AUNTS?) After considering Diana for a beat, Matthew heads to his bookshelves and hands her an old book. Inside is a letter from Charles Darwin, proving both that Matthew knew Darwin and is old as shit. He’s evasive about how old he is exactly but we are definitely talking of the “as shit” variety. Diana, the historian, is fascinated.
Mari: Matthew invites her to his laboratory to see some of the work they are doing. He promises not to hurt her (so romantic) and hands her a coat because she’s cold. How does he know? Oh, not for some boring old reason like “it’s cold outside” or “you are shivering” like some normal romantic lead. No. It’s because he smelled her adrenaline, remember, and that causes a rise in metabolic heat production, yet her adrenaline has dropped and so has her heart rate.
What would your reaction to that statement be? Just like if some dude were like “here take a coat because your smelly adrenaline and loud heart have tipped me off to your body temperature?”
Well, our dear friend Diana dreamily asks, “you can hear my heart?”
Thais: And Matthew has had to survive among humans for centuries, yet he can’t figure out what a normal conversation sounds like or how a woman could possibly perceive his attention as predatory when he’s out breaking into their homes and growling at them?
Mari: Dammit, vampires. BE BETTER.
Lab. Matthew explains that he steals witch, demon and vampire DNA from graves to study creature genetics. Diana doesn’t even bat an eyelash, I swear.
Thais:
Miriam and Marcus enter, and Matthew makes introductions. Miriam is cold because what would this show be without some more girl hate, and Marcus takes a big whiff of Diana. He wants a blood sample, but Diana says no. Miriam asks what Diana is even doing there, then, and Matthew explains that he wants to prove to her that all the creatures are dying out. Vampires can’t sire, demons are going mad, and witches are losing their powers.
Matthew shows some of her work, which boils down to… witches are losing their powers.
Knox brings Gillian to lunch with Satu. Satu says that she tried to look inside of Diana but couldn’t. This is very interesting to her. Knox smiles tightly.
Diana and Matthew are walking through a very pretty garden. The scenery is literally the best part of this show. They talk some freaking more about how important 782 is. The creatures won’t die out tomorrow, but time is different for vampires. The dying out has started already and soon the only species will be humans. Diana guesses that Matthew thinks she should use her powers. Matthew thinks she should at least not be afraid of her powers.
Rebecca: I mean I’m a little on Matthew’s side I guess (gag). But who would just ignore magical powers?!
Mari: Oblivious Diana.
Home now, Matthew gives an awkward, short goodbye. Diana makes a quick decision to share with him what she knows about 782: It’s a palimpsest. It was heavy and stinky and three pages were cut out. The only page with anything on it had a picture of an upside down baby floating in a vessel, probably the alchemical child, though Diana had never seen it depicted that way. Matthew thanks her and grabs her hand. Aw. Then he turns it over and places a lingering kiss on her radial artery. I take my aw back. (R: Swoon PART IV.)
Thais: How is he this bad at interacting with people?
Mari: I have a feeling we’ll be asking ourselves that question a lot.
Next time on A Discovery of Witches: More witches and vampires enter the fray in S01 E03 – Episode 3.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
I'm a loud Brazilian who loves all things fantasy, horror, and YA. I spend most of my spare time reading, bellydancing, making lists, and watching way too much TV. My name is pronounced Tah-ees (it doesn't have a notable meaning, but there's a French opera with the same name!).
I am a book, movie, and TV fanatic over the age of 30. I love baking, video games, and D&D. Legally I must tell you I am a disaster. I've written like 6 novels but haven't had the real courage to query agents yet, and also I don't know how to make decisions (DISASTER). So please send me wine for Courage. Maybe a heart too. Oh and also a brain.
