Previously: Somewhere along the line, Matthew because the least worst option, but still really bad.
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Episode 3
Marines: The SOME OTHER BEGINNING’S END voice over plays as Matthew walks into the Bodleian and looks around. Meanwhile, Diana is waking up in her room. By the time the voice over is over, I think Diana is meeting Matthew somewhere, but actually, he’s standing there waiting for her, unbeknownst to her. (T: Charmed already!) He warns her that the library is full of creatures, waiting to see if she’ll call up 782 again. He suggests, instead, that she join him for a day out.
Gillian interrupts them and asks for a word. She wants to explain about Alliser Knox being at her house. And basically the explanation is, “I betrayed you,” so uh, thanks for that, Gillian. She also clearly believes when Knox said about Diana was using magic for her own professional gain. Diana has no words, and Gillian claims to understand that she is the worst, but says that’s no reason to spend time with “that,” gesturing to Matthew.
Thais: #TeamNobody
Rebecca: #TeamNobody as well.
Mari: Hard agree, though I will say that if anything is going to make Matthew look good in comparison, it’s going to be freakin’ Gillian and her shifty energy.
Without another word, Diana walks back over to Matthew, who opens the passenger side door to his car. She snits that she can open her own door. It makes me laugh because the book is f u l l of moments like this. Diana is basically a doormat for 90% of the book, but we’re meant to believe she’s totally not because she says stuff like this occasionally. She can open her own car door, Matthew, but no worries on the stalking her bit. She finds that sexy.
Mari: Matthew takes Diana to his house, which is, of course, an estate with peacocks running around in the yard. (R: Okay I love his house.) It’s dusty as Matthew doesn’t spend must time here. Humans tend to get suspicious if their next door neighbors never age or die, so he boarded up the place and left, checking in occasionally to update the plumbing and put electricity in. Diana wonders if he’s had to change his name. Matthew says that he keeps his Christian name, but changes his last name. He was born De Clairmont. Diana is surprised at his Frenchness, but he took that name from his mother, the vampire who sired him. She lived in France with his step-father, Phillipe, who is dead now. Diana is also surprised at this, but Matthew says vampires can be killed if one tries hard enough.
Thais:
Mari: Satu in a boat. (T: I think this is supposed to be Venice?) She is dropped off under a bridge somewhere and is greeted by a man named Rico, who welcomes her to the Congregation. Rico is a human tasked with the job of administering for the Congregation, a job that’s been passed down to the oldest male in his family for centuries. Rico has an older sister, but sucks to be her, all female and stuff. (R: what year is it??) Satu wants to see inside of the Congregation session room, but Rico says she can’t until they are in session. The rest of the tour includes point in the direction of the demons and vampires, and letting her see the witches’ archives. It’s a big room of books.
Diana is looking through more of Matthew’s books, asking if he was ever an alchemist. Matthew says no, but his brother was interested in alchemy, the way Diana is. Matthew takes a pause and asks if Diana cast a spell to call up 782, and she scoffs. She’s not good at magic, REMEMBER. Matthew walks over to her and moves to spill his wine on the super old book and Diana instinctively uses her magic to telekinesis the book out of the way. Honestly, she just kind of slides it over quickly, which doesn’t seem very magical, but okay.
Thais: And he gave her so much warning! Tipped his cup in her direction for 30 seconds!
Rebecca: As someone who has spilled wine on many books (and other things), I am fairly jealous rn though.
Mari: I guess it’s magic that becomes more valuable, the drunker you are.
The point is that Diana’s magic is instinctive– it happens when she needs it and she needed 782 for her research. Diana doesn’t think it’s that simple. Matthew guesses that there must be some other link between her and the book. Diana looks at the weird burn on her hand.
Aunts House. Emily is scrying, but is interrupted by Sarah and their cat. All she got to see was a man, following Diana around in the dark. Damn, that’s good magic. IT’S MATTHEW, EMILY. ALL HE DOES IS FOLLOW HER.
Thais: I have to believe Diana’s lesbian aunts’ magic is the only thing keeping Diana alive. She certainly isn’t putting in much effort.
Rebecca: I hope they’re more relevant later because they haven’t really been able to do anything yet. And I want to live in their cozy witch cabin.
Mari: Matthew asks Diana if she has any other memories of her magic surfacing. She does not, but she doesn’t remember much about her childhood anyway. Her parents died when she was young. Matthew gives a funny, but not funny, “yeah, I know.” Diana thinks it’s not so bad living without magic, but Matthew tells her she uses her powers all the time. He knows, for instance, that she can sense when he’s looking at her. Diana says it feels like ice growing under her skin. Can anyone tell me if that is supposed to be sexy?
Thais: Nope!
Rebecca: Ice play is a thing. Maybe it’s like that?
Mari: idk, “ice growing under my skin” is not exactly “play.”
Talk turns to Matthew’s childhood. He thinks he was born in the year 500 and turned into a vampire in the year 537. Diana smiles at the idea of everything he must’ve seen. “And done,” Matthew says darkly, looking into the middle distance of his many murders (I assume). Diana looks up at him dreamily and invites him to dinner.
Rebecca: I’m laughing so hard right now.
Thais: Wait, what?! This dude is over 1,500 years old?! He should be a people expert many times over and yet he can’t manage more than creepy small talk, sniffing women’s clothes (!!!), and breaking and entering to get their attention? What the actual fuck is this show?
Rebecca: Also, why do they always play such ominous music during their talks?! If I didn’t know any better, I’d say they were hinting at DANGER DANGER RUN AWAY, DIANA.
Mari: Store, somewhere. A woman is doodling (we’ll call her Doodler) the alchemical child when another employee says they’ve got new stock in. It’s a bunch of Halloween masks.
Thais: Oh wow, the lady pulls out the devil Halloween mask and jokingly tries it on, while “Demons” by Imagine Dragons is playing. I wonder what this lady is going to turn out to be…
Mari: We watch her go home. There, someone I’m assuming is her boyfriend, shows her a story he posted online that is gaining a lot of traction. He’s been trying to connect demons (surprise!) born to humans who grew up thinking they were just freaks. Some of them want to meet in person, but Doodler thinks they should keep it online for now. Her boyfriend looks at the books she brought home, including one about alchemy. Doodler opens it to a page with a picture of a woman and goat. He recognizes it as “her statue.”
Diana is Googling the feeding habits of wolves, and because I read the book, I know this is because she is putting together a dinner menu. That is not a joke. Sarah and Emily call to yell about her hanging out with a vampire. Diana defends them, saying that Matthew is totally safe and trustworthy and definitely would never feed on her and take her memories. (R: “I’ve known him for like two whole days now trust me!”) Emily asks if Diana remembers the stories her mother used to tell her about the shadow prince that lived between sunset and moonrise. Diana remembers. Emily wonders what if Matthew is this Shadow Prince. Sarah doesn’t want to jump to that conclusion. Diana says she’s having Matthew over for dinner, so she’ll just ask him if he’s dangerous or a shadow prince or whatever. No big.
Thais: Potential murderers are like cops. If you ask them whether they’re dangerous, legally they have to tell you.
Mari: Diana leaves her apartment, and Marcus is outside waiting for her. He explains that Matthew is at a conference for the morning, so he’s sent Marcus to stalk her in his place. Diana asks “is he always this controlling?” (T: YES.) Marcus basically says yes; Diana accepts that without even breaking her stride.
Rebecca: I’d even say she smiles a bit and seems touched.
Mari: Classic Diana.
They head to a market. Marcus agrees to help Diana shop for Matthew’s dinner if she’ll let him do some bloodwork for research. He further entices her by explaining that they’ve narrowed all witches down to four original clans and can find out which one the Bishops belonged to.
Satu pulls a file on Diana Bishop from the witches’ archive. It includes pictures of her dead parents. In her file, under powers, there is an assessment of her powers signed by Alliser Thorne Knox. I try to read it but it’s too fast and blurry. Something about elemental magic. There is also a letter in there that is highly redacted. Satu uses magic to un-Sharpie the letter, but before she can read it, Domenico is there to grab the letter. He’s the vampire that was vamping around the morgue, remember? He reports to Papa Vampire, who I might just call the Gerbert Baby. (R: YAAAS.) Anyway, Satu tells Dominico to gtfo because this is the witches’ archive. He just chokes her as he tries to speed read the letter. (T: Swoon.) Satu manages to choke out a spell that makes the page go blank. Dominico drops her and asks who Diana Bishop is.
Rebecca: OH, I got this: She’s a very pretty blonde witch who HATES MAGIC expect when she needs her powers that she definitely has NO control over. Enjoys long walks through peacock filled gardens and sexy (debatable but ok) dudes who follow her around and sniff her clothes. For a date, don’t call she hates that, just show up somewhere and pop out of the shadows.
Mari: Nailed it.
Lab. For some lack-of-self-preservation reason, Diana has agreed to have her blood drawn. (T: BY VAMPIRES.) Miriam is preparing to draw the blood as Marcus once again explains that they will be able to draw her line back to the original 4 witches and detect her powers. Matthew storms in and is like “what the hell are you doing??” And I was like oh, damn, he doesn’t think Diana should just be giving her blood away either. AND THEN he finishes with “if any vampire is going to take her blood, it’s going to be me.”
Thais: I hate everything about this scene.
Rebecca: I’ve skipped the glass and am now drinking straight out of the bottle.
Mari: Matthew draws her blood. When he removes the needle, there is a little drop left on her skin. Marcus makes a slight move toward her and Miriam turns away, stopping Marcus with her body. So maybe vampires should’ve draw your blood, folks. #SnarkLadyAdvice
Domenico reports to Papa Gerbert Baby that Matthew Clairmont is harassing a witch in Oxford. If it’s true, they should seize the opportunity to bring Matthew before the Congregation and punish him. Papa Gerbert thinks it is very unlikely that Matthew would leave himself so vulnerable, but Domenico presses. They should look into it. Ominous music plays as Gerbert pulls a box out of his armoire and opens it. (T: He mutters what sounds like a Catholic prayer in Latin and since when are vampires Christian?) There is a head in it? The head opens its eyes and starts prophesying: beware the witch with the blood of the lion and the wolf.
Rebecca: That head must have such a boring life. Leave her a TV or something, damn.
Mari: Doodler is at it again, hanging her doodles in her apartment. A black woman lets herself into the apartment and good-naturedly asks the couple if they ever close their door. Anyone could walk in. They greet each other warmly and through their conversation, we learn that Doodler is pregnant. Doodler tells her boyfriend, Nat, that his mom is here. The closed captions then tell me that the mom’s name is Agatha. There were too many unknowns in this scene–I had to cheat. Nat comes down and immediately tells his mother that the Congregation has given him a day to close down the chatroom. (T: For a super old organization, the Congregation is pretty techie!) He asks if Agatha reported him. She says no. She may not approve, but she would never report him, even though what he’s doing is against Congregation rules. Nat is insistent that it shouldn’t be. If Demons were allowed to come together, there’d be fewer problems. Agatha tells him to just give up, to not fight the Congregation. Nat asks her to fight it for him. She’s on the Congregation and has a voice.
Doodler interrupts the argument, saying that things will get better. She shows Agatha a small silver statue that has been her in family for generations. Doodler thinks it’s the White Queen, from alchemy, but Agatha point out that the status has a bow and arrow. Doodler thinks it’s similar enough.
Thais: Another subtle mythology gag–the White Queen figure looks like the Greek goddess Artemis/Roman goddess Diana.
Mari: Doodler’s father told her that when the time came, she was to give the statue to the person who needs her. Doodler doesn’t know how she’ll know who that is, but will wait for a sign.
Rebecca: Officially terrified for this small family. I already like the three of them better than any other characters. #TeamDemons now.
Mari: Yeah, they’re probably dead already.
Matthew looks at flowers from a cart, but takes nothing. (T: Flowers for someone you will likely murder seems a bit gauche, anyway.) Miriam finds him so they have a tense conversation in the middle of the street about how Matthew is craving Diana (like a burger) but it’s against the rules of the Congregation, which Diana probably doesn’t know.
Diana sets up the last of dinner when there is knock on the door. She takes a second to look at herself in a mirror, apparently not totally happy with what she sees. (T: *sigh* “I hate how gorgeous I am…”) (R: “I look nothing like a burger!”) She takes a deep breath, and opens the door with an apology, only to come face to face with Alliser Thorne Knox. He pushes his way inside and scoffs at the laid out dinner, pointing out that Diana shies away from the witches and is feeding a vampire. Knox says that Diana is just like her father–so open-minded that he put her mother in danger. Matthew arrives and vampire-speed-walks to Diana’s side. Diana coolly says that Mr. Knox was just leaving. Knox looks nervous and mad, but when Matthew growls, he decides to leave. Matthew double checks the hallway and closes the door.
Thais: So the growling is to seduce women and to intimidate men. What can’t weird animal noises do?
Mari: Dinner. Matthew savors his raw-looking meet and identifies it as a young Highland stag. Diana, once again amazed at the creepy, wonders how he could know. Matthew explains that he has heightened senses, like it’s news to us and he wasn’t smelling her stinky adrenaline an episode ago. This opens a conversation about vampire abilities. They can’t fly, but they can super run and super jump. Their bodies don’t use a lot of energy, so they have a lot to draw on when needed. They don’t breathe much and their hearts don’t beat very often.
Rebecca: I wish I could share the look of disgust on my face for most of this scene, but imagine a toddler who just tried a lemon for the first time. It was something like that.
Mari: I can see it clearly.
Matthew was under the assumption that Diana knew something about vampires, which is why she invited him to dinner. I’m starting to think this dinner probably means they are married now, or something. They drink wine, and Matthew asks what she tastes in hers. “Flowers and spice,” she answers.
Thais: That’s already 1000% better than my wine-tasting skills. My answer would be “red wine.”
Rebecca: “Hmmm yes. This tastes like it was at least $8!”
Mari: But special Matthew with his super taste buds tells us specifically which flowers and fruit and notes. For some reason, this inspires she of no self-preservation to ask what she would taste like.
Rebecca: Ok. Look. So. I can get the interest in potentially being bitten for sexy purposes. Not with this hellhole, of course. A more trustworthy vampire. But still.
Mari: Part of vampire lore is whether or not those specific vampires kill to feed, if they can stop themselves, how much blood they require, etc. I don’t think we’ve received much if any evidence that these vampires sexy feed? I mean, when he got a whiff of her he was like “go, don’t run, hurry away, before I kill you.” So for her to be like “what would I taste like, eyebrow waggle?” Why? Why, Diana?
Matthew agrees. He gruffly tells her to never ask him that. She stands and gets closer as she assures him (herself?) (the audience?) that she is totes safe with him. (R: WHAT MAKES HER THINK THIS?) He quickly grabs her and turns her around, and it is the most awkward, non-sexy blocking I’ve ever seen. He’s like sniffing her temple as he explains that she smells like willow sap, chamomile, honey, frankincense, lady’s mantle, ancient things he thought he’d forgotten, and a deep desire to die. (I added the last one.)
Thais: Does she have blood or herbal tea running through her veins?
Mari: Amazing.
It isn’t only her scent, though. He can hear her witch’s blood. When he touches her skin, it rushes to the surface. Diana thinks this is really sexy so leans in to kiss him, even though he barely moves or responds. He thanks her for dinner and leaves.
Rebecca: This is probably TMI but fuck it, I’ve had some wine. I can very easily find some weird shit super sexy. There’s almost always keys in my ignition, so to speak. This was maybe the least sexy “Sexy” scene I’ve ever had to sit through.
Mari: I appreciate your honesty. And to be clear: vampires as sexy is A THING. I am just amazing at how often people take this thing and hurl it far, far away from sexy.
Papa Gerbert Baby is bathing Juliette. (R: Why the fuck?) We cut to her dressed and standing at the end of a dock. He creepily kisses her and tells her to go and find Matthew.
Rebecca: Already taking back what I said about the last scene being the least sexy “Sexy” scene. I’m sorry, show. Y’all don’t gotta test me like this though holy hell.
Mari: The next morning, someone slips an envelope under Diana’s door, but she isn’t in time to see who. It’s the pictures of her murdered parents.
Diana confronts Gillian, of all people, with the pictures. She tells her this is sick, and it’s all Knox’s doing. Diana wants to know where Knox is, but Gillian is useless. On the way out, Gillian asks if Diana is going to give the book to the vampire, and because she still thinks giving Gillian any sort of information is smart, she tells Gillian that she’s going to understand the book and deal with this herself.
Matthew visits Diana’s apartment and finds her front door open. When he lets himself in, he finds the murder pictures on her coffee table.
Thais: She just walked out of her apartment and left the door unlocked?!
Mari: Diana is very bad at this.
Diana heads to the Bodleian. She finds Sean and tells him that she has to get Ashmole 782. Sean says people have been asking for it all week, but it’s missing, even though Sean remembers that Diana returned it. Diana asks him to please just check again. Sean heads off, leaving Diana alone with the shadows and creepy music. Of course, Knox appears behind her with a bunch of other witches including SURPRISE SURPRISE, GILLIAN. Gillian, who figured Diana would take the book out, seeing as how Diana yelled I’M GOING TO DEAL WITH THIS MYSELF. As much as I hate Gillian and her shifty energy, Diana is so fucking dumb.
Thais: Anyone can get a PhD, I guess.
Mari: She confronts Alliser Thorne Knox about sending her the murder pics, and Knox says he was trying to warn her against ending up like her mother. Sean comes back and announces that the book is totes not there. She tells Sean it’s fine, and tries to get him to just go, but Knox wants her to tell Sean to look again. Sean tries to order everyone out, but Knox uses a spell to bring darkness to Sean’s mind. He might be dead? It looks bad.
Thais: These witches are the least subtle. How come everyone doesn’t know they exist by now?
Rebecca: NOOO SEAN HE’S THE ONLY GOOD ONE. Eugh. Old white men are the worst.
Mari: Diana freaks out over Sean and suddenly, lots of Magical Indoor Wind starts up and electricity starts buzzing. Diana blasts all the witches with her Powers of Sad, but then can’t seem to get them under control. Matthew feels the power and super runs to the Bodleian, struggling against the Powers of Sad until he makes it to Diana. He tells her to breathe, holding her and telling her she’s safe. Diana gains control. And hey! Sean comes to!
Rebecca: Oh thank goodness.
Mari: That night, while Diana is sleeping and Matthew is watching, Marcus comes over with the news that Sean is fine and he’s cleaned up things at the Bodleian. (T: Just imagine Marcus super-walking all over picking up papers!) Marcus isn’t surprised to hear that Diana is exhausted after conjuring up the Witch Wind, previously known one paragraph ago as the Powers of Sad. Matthew is getting ready to head out because apparently he wants to go fight Peter Knox.
Thais: 1,500 years of existence, yet still subject to good old-fashioned toxic masculinity.
Mari: Marcus tries to talk reason into Matthew, as he’ll endanger their whole family. Matthew considers this and admits that he’s never felt so protective over anyone. (R: -___-) Marcus tells him to protect her without causing a shitstorm, by taking her to Hamish or to some other place. Matthew says no. He’s taking her to Sept-Tours. Marcus also thinks this is a wild idea, primarily because of someone named Ysabeau. Matthew says it’s his house too.
We cut to Diana gasping awake. Matthew is there when she does. She was sleeping for 10 hours, after summoning the Sad Wind. Matthew quickly convinces Diana that she needs to leave Oxford while she trains up her powers. She thinks maybe she can go to her aunts’ (T: YES, please go to your aunts!), but he offers his home in France instead. (R: Noooo!) No witch would dare trespass on vampire land. Matthew kisses her because see last time Diana initiated the kiss and he could not be into that. But now, he’s into it, because he initiated it.
We watch as Diana and Matthew leave her apartment, hand in hand.
I feel like there is a chance that recapping has skewed this, but I’m having the same trouble with this show so far as I had with the book: it’s too damn slow. They are beating us over the head with the foundation of the plot. I think the story needs to buy time so that we buy a Matthew Diana relationship (still don’t, it’s been three days), but it doesn’t have enough plot to fill that time!
Rebecca: That’s my issue. Why do they like each other? If they were playing it like it was just lust for now that develops into love later, fine, but they’re not!
Mari: Well, maybe we’ll enjoy this trip to France.
Just kidding, I’m sure we’ll hate it.
Next time on A Discovery of Witches: Ysabeau says you wanna stay WHERE? in S01 E04 – Episode 4.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
I'm a loud Brazilian who loves all things fantasy, horror, and YA. I spend most of my spare time reading, bellydancing, making lists, and watching way too much TV. My name is pronounced Tah-ees (it doesn't have a notable meaning, but there's a French opera with the same name!).
I am a book, movie, and TV fanatic over the age of 30. I love baking, video games, and D&D. Legally I must tell you I am a disaster. I've written like 6 novels but haven't had the real courage to query agents yet, and also I don't know how to make decisions (DISASTER). So please send me wine for Courage. Maybe a heart too. Oh and also a brain.
