Previously: Geralt just wanted a genie nap and everyone was trying to steal his genie.
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Rare Species
Marines: Jaskier is working on a song while two men stand by, very not amused. The… dirtier… of the two men says that it’s been an hour and suggests getting outta there before the beast gets hungry. The fancier man says they made a deal with the Witcher, but Dirty Man doubts the Witcher is still alive. Dirty and Fancy start stealing Geralt’s stuff, and Jaskier jumps up to stop them, but he isn’t very effective or convincing.
Ginny: I honestly wonder how Jaskier made it this far in life. And by made it this far, I mean still alive.
Mari: A true mystery.
Thankfully, an unknown man comes to Jaskier’s rescue, flanked by two warrior woman. Rescue Man tells Dirty and Fancy to listen to the bard. Dirty isn’t much impressed with Rescue Man, and advances instead. One of the warrior women easily snaps Dirty’s neck. Jaskier yelps.
Just then, a monster head comes flying out of a cave, Geralt closely following. Geralt takes in the scene: unknown people, a dead Dirty Man, and Fancy Man holding Geralt’s bag and money. Fancy very quickly tosses Geralt his coin and makes himself scarce. Jaskier explains that those men were going to steal Roach until one of the Warrior Women snapped his neck. Geralt makes a joke about her being a better travel companion, then. Jaskier asks who they even are. Rescue Man introduces himself as Borch Three Jackdaws. His companions are Tea and Vea. Borch grandly announces that he’s been looking for Geralt.
We join everyone again as Borch leads Geralt into a tavern to buy him dinner, gushing about how cool it is to finally meet him. Geralt is just here for the food.
As the grownups talk, Jaskier is awkwardly complementing Tea and Vea and their sexy necks.
Ginny: Time to put Jaskier at the kids table and tell him to stop being weird.
Mari: Borch says that the king has commissioned a hunt to kill the dragon and the winner gets the treasure hoard and the title of lord over one of his vassal states. 4 teams have signed up and Borch wants Geralt on his team.
Title card.
After, Tea and Vea are still 0% interested in Jaskier’s bad flirting and Geralt is 0% interested in team sports, specifically because he doesn’t kill dragons. Geralt tells Borch that no treasure is worth dying for, but Borch wants adventure before he gets too old and dies. Borch points out two other teams in the tavern– a band of dwarves and some men called the Reavers. Geralt is like, “cool, the answer is still no.” Borch takes another approach and appeals to the hole in Geralt’s heart, the thing he feels he’s missing. Jaskier interrupts the weirdly intense moment to ask who the last team is.
Right on cue, Yennifer walks in with a knight. Jaskier is like IMMEDIATELY NO, but Geralt has seen what he needed to see. He’s in.
Ginny: Ok I’m with Jaskier on this one. Yennifer is going to be nothing but trouble.
Mari: Maybe that sense of self-preservation is Jaskier made it this far.
The next morning, Jaskier is grousing because there is only one road up the mountain and no one bothered to mention that it was too narrow for horses. One of the dwarves is yelling because his pack has gone missing. He blames it on the Reavers who continue to stand around looking murder-y and honestly like… cannibal-y.
The man doing the yelling introduces himself to Geralt as Yarpen Zigrin. Jaskier starts to introduce himself too but Yarpen only has eyes for Geralt.
Mari: Yarpen tells Geralt to sell Roach now while he can (G: HELL NO). Jaskier thinks it’s funny how everyone wants Roach these days, but Geralt explains that Yarpen is basically saying that they won’t make it out alive. Well, then, the money they make on a horse sale won’t mean much, will it then?
Yennefer approaches and asks how she managed to walk the Earth for decades and never meet a Witcher and now the first one she meets she can’t get rid of. Jaskier snarks that Witchers are bound to run into monsters and they greet each other coldly. Jaskier makes himself scarce after Yen makes fun of his crows feet and he can’t think of a good comeback.
Geralt asks Yen what she’s doing here. She’s escorting the knight on his noble quest to kill a dragon. Geralt is not very impressed with the guy, even though Yen is obviously trying to make him jealous. Geralt says goodbye to Roach and off they go.
Doppler!Sack (remember, the Doppler posing as Mousesack) is leading Ciri and Dara through Brokilon forest. Ciri has a ton of questions about who Geralt is and why he was able to claim the Law of Surprise. Doppler!Sack’s answer boils down to DESTINY! so bottoms up. Ciri wonder why Geralt hasn’t found her yet if it’s all destined, or whatever. Doppler!Sack is over her questions. He tries to assure her that she’ll be with Geralt soon, but he’s got creepy vibes and Dara is definitely picking them up.
Ginny: Ciri needs to read The Gift of Fear. You’d think she’d realize something is off with Mousesack.
Mari: Jaskier walks with Tea and Vea, trying to figure out their dynamic with Borch. They say that hunting with him is an honor they do for free. Jaskier asks why and Vea says that Borch is beautiful. Jaskier is v confused.
Borch catches Geralt staring at Yen and guesses that he’s in love with her. Geralt says maybe he’s just, uh, being vigilant because, um, she’s dangerous. Borch says that’s why he brought Geralt along. Nothing scares him. “Huh,” Geralt huhs. “Then you don’t know Yennefer of Vengeberg.”
The group reaches a place where they can see the destruction caused by the dragon. Geralt wonders why the dragon would do this as they normally avoid people. Borch very sagely says that when your species is on the verge of collapse, everything becomes more desperate. It’s very #deep because Geralt is one of the last remaining Witchers.
Jaskier is babbling up until he heads off the path to see if he can pick some berries. Unfortunately, there is a monster hiding in the bushes. Geralt quickly identifies it as a hirikka, and tells everyone to sheath their weapons. This little terrifying giant guy is only hungry. The knight, Eyck, rushes forward though and brutally kills the beastie. Everyone watches in horror as he continues to bash on the corpse. Yen recovers from her horror and goes to fawn over Eyck. Geralt rolls his eyes. If they had fed the beastie, he would’ve gone away. Yarpen at least thinks the dragon they are hunting won’t stand a chance against Eyck.
Ginny: Well there’s no way that the knight is going to be a recurring character so let’s all hope he gets the exit his deserves.
Mari: For killing the hungry little giant beastie.
We cut to the hirikka’s head on a pike. Eyck is roasting and eating it’s body. Borch warns that eating the beastie isn’t a great idea, but Eyck doesn’t heed the warning because knights never waste a kill. He thinks he’ll make a great lord, especially with Yen at his side. Literally everyone in attendance hates this kid, but Yen is still hamming it up and pretending she isn’t totally mortified. I mean, I would be if my ex were Henry Cavill and my new man was a scrawny knight eating monster bits, you know?
Ginny: What a down grade.
Mari: Boholt creepily comes onto Yen, and Geralt warns him off, noting though that Yen could definitely kill him herself. Boholt just laughs and says he’s thinking about who he’ll kill first: the monster or the monster hunter. Geralt hmms an unimpressed “hm.”
Eyck’s stomach starts gurgling, and he has to run off to poop. Embarrassing. Yarpen points out that the vassal state that Eyck is so pumped to secure won’t exist in a decade, thanks to the Nilfgaardian invasion. Geralt is like yeah, people are going to die, which is like, inevitable?
Borch pointedly says if only Nilfgaard’s religious zeal had be tempered by a stronger hand. Yen’s like “that’s one truth too many” and excuses herself to sleep. The dwarves excuse themselves as well, leaving only Geralt and Co. Jaskier laments the day they’ve had, what with the threat of new evil overlords and also a bunch of people believing in dragons. Geralt assures Jaskier they are real. Rare but real. Green dragons are the most common and black dragons are the rarest. Borch says gold dragons are actually the rarest, but Geralt replies that gold dragons are a myth. For a gold dragon to exist, it would have to be the product of an accidental, unique mutation. In Geralt’s (sad boi) experience, mutations are intentional. But it doesn’t matter because whether mutant or myth, gold dragons met the same fate as anything else “too different to endure.” They died out.
Wow, Geralt is having a lot of feelings.
Borch says there are other ways to endure. If it’s legacy he’s after, he could always become a knight, though he’d be a shitty one if he refuses to slay dragons. And then they all have a good laugh over what an idiot Eyck is.
Forest. Dara has questions for Mousesack including what happened to him during the battle and how exactly he escaped the Nilfgaardians. Doppler!Sack claims that Geralt rescued him and sent him here to get Ciri. Dara knows that’s suspicious as heck. Why would Geralt save Mousesack and send him to save Ciri? Doppler!Sack tersely tells Dara to ask Geralt himself. He’s waiting for them in a town just past this thicket of trees. Dara holds Ciri back and tells her to think about this. People who escape siege are turned by their captors. The Dryad Queen counseled her to ask the right questions. Doppler!Sack overhears all of this and knows it’s time to bring out the big guns: he calls Ciri over and gives her Calanthe’s sash. It works like a charm.
Ginny: Ciri is really doing some mental gymnastics here to believe Doppler!Sack. Dara should be getting paid for baby sitting.
Mari: Toss a coin to your Dara.
Dragon hunt. Yen exits her tent and notices that all of Eyck’s armor is in a pile, the man himself nowhere to be seen. She hears Yarpen curse loudly and everyone heads in that direction to investigate. Turns out, someone slit Eyck’s throat while he was pooping. Yen gives a Geralt-like “fuck.”
Ginny: Can’t say I feel bad.
Mari: We cut to the dwarfs walking with Geralt and Jaskier, Yen ahead of them, and the Reavers ahead of her. Yarpen says they are about halfway there, but he wants to lose the Reavers and avoid being murdered by them. He suggests using a shortcut through the mountains. Geralt sends Jaskier with Borch and the dwarves and takes off after Yen.
He catches up to her and asks if she killed Eyck. She’s scoffs at that because it was obviously the Reavers. Geralt asks what she’s actually doing hunting dragons. She admits that dragons are rumored to have certain healing properties. Geralt is confused because her transformation is meant to have healed all parts of her. Yen agrees, but at the cost of others. Geralt smiles, unable to contain how funny he thinks it is that she’s travelled all this way for made up fertility cures involving fresh dragon hearts. Yen says they aren’t made up, but Geralt firmly tells her they are. Plus, Yen? With a child?
Yen asks if he thinks she’d make a bad mother. “Definitely,” he answers quickly. Yen yells that they took her choice away, and she wants it back. She doesn’t think Geralt can understand so he reminds her (and us!) (again!) that he didn’t choose to become a Witcher. The people who made them both made them sterile for a lot of reasons, but one of the kinder ones is that a child isn’t suited to either of their lifestyles. Was she planning on summoning chaos in between feeding and naps? Yen yells at him for patronizing her, but he says he isn’t. (He is.) He’s thought about this a lot and he’d rather use his Child Surprise as monster bait than bring her into this lifestyle.
Record scratch.
Yen is like “…your what now?” Geralt looks flustered and goes “ah, fuck.” Yen thinks it’s real rich that he’s lecturing her on children when he cheated destiny and got a child surprise. Geralt says that every time he’s with her, he says more in five minutes than he has in weeks, and he always regrets it. Yen looks a little insulted, and Geralt looks a little ashamed. He takes a deep breath and tells her that the dwarfs are taking them through a mountain pass. She should come with them. Yen says she can take care of herself, but Geralt replies that she doesn’t always have to.
Mari: Geralt is trying to deliver this message, but in the worst way possible.
In the future, in the forest, Ciri asks Mousesack if he ever stopped missing Skellige because she doesn’t think she’ll every stop missing Cintra. Doppler!Sack says he was very homesick. Ciri asks him about visiting and ice skating, and you can tell that Doppler!Sack is just totally over this and is like “yeah, yeah, memories.” Ciri figures out Doppler!Sack is lying to her because the real Mousesack always said that his real home was with Ciri, not in Skellige. Doppler!Sack admits that they killed Mousesack and took his form. Dara attacks with his knife, and we see that Doppler!Sack has a bad reaction to the metal, though he does manager to get the knife away from Dara. Ciri grabs the knife and presses it to Doppler!Sack’s neck until he lets Dara go and drops to the ground. When they stand back up, they’re in their true form, which is a hypothermia-looking monster.
Dara grabs the knife again and holds it against the Doppler, demanding to know who wants Ciri and why. Ciri already knows the answers though: the Niflgaardian soldier in the winged helmet and because she’s ~special~. Ciri wants Dara to kill the Doppler, but he’s like “wait, murder? I didn’t sign up for this.” Ciri is like I’LL DO IT THEN, but the hesitation gives Doppler enough time to knock Dara out. Ciri gets a few knife swipes in, but ultimately just has to run for her life.
Ginny: I can’t believe she just left Dara for dead! WTF Ciri. She’s not making it 10 minutes on her own.
Mari: And she left him FAST.
The dragon-hunting party has arrived at the shortcut and it’s like a tiny, little plank walkway along the side of the mountain. Geralt, Yen and Jaskier are not impressed, but Borch says they should take it. And so, slowly and carefully, they start shuffling across this tiny walkway. We get a wide shot of the mountain, so we see just how fucked this truly is.
Unfortunately, the planks give way under Borch. He manages to grab onto the chain that holds everything up, and Geralt grabs the chain as well, but the planks are giving way under him too, and he can’t pull Borch up. Borch says Geralt will save him yet, but first he has to let go. When Geralt won’t, Borch lets go of the chain and falls, seemingly to his death. Tea and Vea jump after him.
Ginny: Yen, Geralt and Jaskier seem way more upset than the people actually falling to their death.
Mari: It’s true. The people falling to their death are like WEE!
We cut to everyone who didn’t fall to their death safely on the other side of the mountain pass. Geralt is sitting and brooding when Jaskier joins him and assures him that he did his best. There was nothing else he could’ve done for Borch. Jaskier suggests leaving tomorrow if Geralt will give him another chance to prove himself a worthy travel companion. “Hmm,” Geralt hmms. Jaskier thinks that Borch would approve of them getting away and embracing a life is short mantra.
That night, Geralt lets himself into Yen’s TARDIS, bigger on the inside tent (G: Where can I get one of these tents for camping?). She immediately starts the kissing, but Geralt slows her ’cause he came here for more than kissing. Yen admits that she was afraid she was going to lose him on the mountain pass. Geralt leans into her and takes a little sniff. The moment he dreads most every time she leaves him is when her scent fades and she’s truly gone. Yen reminds him that he left first, in Rinde, when they first had sex in the house rubble. She woke up and he was gone. Geralt asks for forgiveness, and then they start kissing for real, with feelings.
Post-coitally, Yen asks if it’s true that Witchers don’t feel human emotions. Geralt says that people make up whatever they want to justify hating his kind. Yen next asks if he regrets being a Witcher, but Geralt says you can’t regret something you didn’t choose. Yen presses, though, and wonders what he would be doing if he did have a choice. A Farmer? A stableman? Geralt smiles at that because horses are good company. (Geralt/Horses OTP.) But, if he ever dreamed of being something other, it was too long ago to remember.
Ginny: Hot stableman Geralt. Tending to the horses and not having to kill monsters. I dig it.
Mari: Geralt’s asks Yen if she always dreamed of becoming a mother. Yen says she dreamed of becoming important to someone. Geralt is drifting off to sleep, but not because Yen bores him. She’s just like his personal ZZZQuil, but romantic. Geralt sleepily mumbles that Yen is important to him and then is out. We watch as Yen lovingly traces his face and cuddles in closer.
Ciri is still running (G: le sigh), but unfortunately she runs right into Cahir’s hands. Ciri comes to inside of a cabin where Cahir is assuring her that he definitely is not kidnapping her for, like, bad reasons. He wants her to fulfill her destiny (shot!). Ciri gives him the exact right amount of side-eye. Cahir offers her food, but when he turns around, he hears suspicious bone-breaking sound effects from the Foley guys. Sure enough, we watch as Doppler!Ciri becomes Doppler!Cahir. Doppler!Cahir says that Cahir lied to them by withholding who Ciri really is and what she’s capable of. Doppler!Cahir and Cahir fight. It goes on surprisingly long, up until Doppler!Cahir runs away, revealing that that they are actually in a tavern and not in a cabin.
In the past, Yen has caught up to the dwarves and uses magic to literally halt them in their tracks. She finds the cavern where the green dragon is protecting a lil dragon egg. Yen advances, but Tea and Vea come out of the shadows to protect the dragon and egg. Geralt rushes in next and wonders, just like Yen did, how tf Tea and Vea are even here. Yen realizes that the green dragon is dead. And right on cue, a gold dragon drops in from the cavern’s, um, skylight. Of course, this is Borch. We get some exposition now about how Borch heard the cry of the dying green dragon, but they couldn’t move the egg or else it would die. Then, they heard about the king’s hunt and decided to keep their enemies close. And Borch decided to find Geralt, the knight taught to protect instead of slay the dragon.
The party keeps getting bigger as the Reavers arrive. I guess that super dangerous mountain short cut bought them like, 10 seconds max. Tea, Vea, Geralt and Yen all fight off the Reavers. There is a bit where Yen yells for Geralt to use Aard, but he also finds time to swoop her up into a mid-fight, mid-magic, slow-mo kiss. And Borch the dragon is just watching like 👀
Ginny: Could you imagine actually seeing this happen in the middle of a fight? lol.
Mari: I’d feel like I’d be so annoyed. It’s like working while watching someone take a break. You think I wouldn’t rather be kissing someone? We’re fighting here!
More Reavers arrive. Borch says he’ll protect the egg, so everyone else runs out of the cavern. Geralt and Yen fight until it’s down to Boholt and one other Reaver.
Inside the cave, one of the injured Reavers gets a second wind and starts making his way over to the dragon egg. Borch is there, though, to set him on fire.
Ginny: That’s what you get for getting a second wind and not staying down.
Mari: Meanwhile, Jaskier wakes up to an empty camp and heads out. He finds the dwarves just as they are breaking their magic hold. Tea and Vea come out of the cavern, scaring the hell out of Jaskier. Yarpen is mad that they missed all the action, but Borch offers him a bunch of dragon teeth to take back to the king as proof the dragon is dead. Yarpen is jazzed.
Ciri is tied to a tree, where the Doppler left her. Dara arrives to set her free, but he’s also big mad that they ever left Brokilon and that Ciri keeps getting them in about-to-die trouble. He yells that she’s just like Calanthe, bringing death and destruction everywhere. Ciri says she’s doing the best that she can trying not to die, but she’s done apologizing. She has to move on. Dara tells her to go find a new family because he can’t be there for her anymore. Ciri cries.
Ginny: If this is Ciri doing her best she’s in big trouble.
Mari: Borch tells Yen and Geralt that this baby dragon is his final first. He thanks them for helping him and tells Yennifer that he can see why Geralt didn’t want to lose her. Yen asks what that means, and Geralt glares daggers. I swear he’s thinking “god damn it, I wish I killed dragons.” But he does fess up: Borch is referring to Rinde and the final wish Geralt made of the djinn. Yen thinks that means that everything she is feeling for him isn’t real; it’s magic. Geralt tries to assure her that it is real. He made that wish to save her life. Yen maintains that she didn’t need his help. Geralt is like YES HUH YOU DID. He yells at her for wreaking havoc and for what? A baby? He tells her that isn’t the way to boost her fragile ego. Yen yells back that she’ll take advice from him when he goes and takes responsibility for the child he abandoned.
Borch tells them both to stop, and offers to spare them a lot of pain with some hard truths. Yen will never restore her ability to have children. And even though Geralt didn’t want to lose Yen, he will. Yen tearfully says that he already has and walks away. Geralt tells Borch the thing he was missing is walking away right now. Borch replies that what he’s missing is still out there. His DESTINY. Everyone wants Geralt to be a dad.
Ginny: Does that make Jaskier the weird annoying uncle?
Mari: Absolutely.
Jaskier starts to make a joke, but Geralt is still in his snit. He yells at Jaskier for always being around when he finds himself in a pile of shit. He wishes life would take Jaskier off his hands. Jaskier sadly says he’ll go now.
And Geralt has effectively assholed his way out of his girlfriend and his only friend. Rough episode.
Frangilla tends to Cahir’s wounds in the tavern full of now-dead bodies. Ciri’s storyline is pretty boring, to be honest, but the Nilfgaard portions of this are the most boring of the boring. I’m typing all of this instead of paying attention to whatever pep talk Fringilla is giving Cahir. I tune back into Cahir saying “the time of the sword and the axe is nigh.” I’d argue that we’ve already been doing plenty of swording and axe-ing but okay.
Ginny: What this episode really needed was more dragons and less crying Ciri and pep talk Fringilla.
Next time on The Witcher: Will Geralt finally decide to be a dad? Find out in S01 E07 – Before a Fall.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
I'm a legal assistant in Boston who loves reading, snarking, cats and french fries. Oh let's not forget naps - naps are good. I blog about my life and whatever else I feel like blogging about. It's the melting pot of blogs.
