Game of Thrones S01 E07 – Womb Thrusting

Previously: Robert forced Ned to take back his BFF pin. Drogo murdered Viserys’s face off, literally.
—

You Win or You Die

Sweeney: The episode begins with a bunch of red tents. In one of the tents, Jaime Lannister is reading the raven about Tywin being called to King’s Landing to answer for the crimes of his bannermen. Jaime snarks that Ned is brave but stupid, but Papa Lannister tells him he was an idiot for attacking Ned. “Lannisters,” he insists, “don’t act like fools.”

Apparently, the foolish part, for Papa Lannister, is that Ned is still alive. Jaime couldn’t kill him after someone interfered and got Ned in the leg, because that wouldn’t have been clean. Papa Lannister regards this whole honor thing as silly and foolish. All right, Jaime fans, I’ll give you this much: I can at least respect this aspect of his character. Also, his hair is so pretty and shiny.

Lorraine: Which is probably no easy feat. I base this on everyone else looking so grimey.

Sweeney: Truth. He’s clearly brought modern shampoo back through a temporal loop. And he hoards it.

Tywin thinks that lions should stop concerning themselves with the opinions of sheep (i.e., Jaime caring about honor or the fact that people call him “king slayer” which actually sounds like a pretty cool nickname to me) but having a house name that people fear is important. He is giving Jaime half the army to go remind the Starks that Lannisters pay their debts. Jaime is surprised that his dad cares that much about Tyrion and while Tywin admits that Tyrion is the lowest of the Lannisters, he’s still a Lannister and gives a big speech about family. Gee, thanks, dad!

He also chastises Jaime for wasting his talents and youth. All he’s done so far is serve as a glorified bodyguard to two kings – one mad and the other a drunk – and he needs to man up and help them turn the Lannisters into a dynasty that will last a thousand years.

Lor: Well, meeting Tywin was illuminating. That’s the kind of father you look at and then go OH. because you get his children. 

Also, score another “exposition during awkward activities” win, as Tywin was skinning a large animal during this entire chat about family legacy.

Sweeney: Indeed. This was a great choice for setting the tone for his character.

Back in King’s Landing, the crazy bitch Tywin should really be placing his family bets on, Cersei, finds Ned sitting outside alone. TIME FOR ANOTHER CERSEI AND NED SCENE! YAY! Let the epic tension and brilliant acting commence!

Cersei tells Ned that he should probably go home because the south isn’t agreeing with him. Ned cuts right to the chase and says that he knows the truth that John Arryn died for. He also asks Cersei if Robert has ever given her a nasty welt like that before, but Cersei says that Jaime would have killed him. Ned brings the conversation back by asking, “Your brother or your lover?” Cersei points out that the Targaryens wed siblings for years to keep blood lines pure and UM, HEY, REMEMBER HOW THEIR LAST KING WAS CRAZYPANTS? You know, because incest is biologically bad news bears. (L: What up Joffrey!) Anyway, she continues her speech with a line that was an instant favorite in our apartment: “Jaime and I are more than brother and sister: we shared a womb. We came into this world together; we belong together.”

Seriously though, thanks for that Cersei, because after we got over the initial gaggy reaction, my best friend, her fiance and I repeated this line often because it’s ridiculous and fantastic and INSTA-FAV. He joked about subtly including it in his toast at the wedding, but sadly that never happened.

Lor: It’s hilarious because just in case we didn’t exactly understand incest, Cersei spells it out for us! We shared a womb and now he likes to thrust toward mine. Great!

Sweeney: Moving on. Ned says that Bran saw them. She obviously doesn’t deny it and asks Ned if he loves his children (he does) and adds no more than she loves hers. “All of them Jaime’s,” Ned adds. He says that she’s always hated Robert, and she gives us a little more insight into what we learned earlier: She used to worship Robert and her wedding day was the happiest day of her life. On her wedding night, however, Robert drunkenly crawled on top of her and whispered Lyanna into her ear. Ned gets a little uncomfortable. “Your sister was a corpse and I was a living girl and he loved her more than me.” Oof.

Ned doesn’t even get into Cersei’s trauma because, real as it may be, it’s little defense for her role in crippling his son. (Though I’d say it is relevant to Ned’s other issue of her not having borne any legitimate heirs to throne.) He tells her that when Robert returns, Ned will tell the king the truth and that she needs to run away with her children and as many men as she can gather because Robert will come after her. Ned doesn’t want their blood on his hands.

She’s not cowering, though, because she’s Cersei fucking Lannister and evil though she may be, cowering isn’t really her thing. She asks Ned what they should expect of her wrath. She tells him he should have taken the throne for himself because he had the opportunity and not seizing it was the biggest mistake of his life. Ned says that he has made many mistakes but that wasn’t one of them.

“Oh, but it was,” Cersei replies. “When you play the game of thrones you either win or you die. There is no middle ground.”

 

Lor: Bonus points for the episode title! Also, we see a theme building, all to do with honor. Last episode, Bronn fought for Tyrion in a way people saw dishonorable. BUT HE LIVED. Jaime, for how ever scumbaggy we may perceive him to be, didn’t kill Ned because of the dishonor in doing it in that particular situation. Ned should’ve STFU and just tattled behind Cersei’s back. But no. He announced his plans and god dammit Ned.

Honor sucks.

Sweeney: Elsewhere in King’s Landing, Littlefinger (who knows that honor sucks) is looking out the window of his brothel while Ros fake orgasms with another newly arrived prostitute. Littlefinger is not pleased with her fake orgasming and so he makes them do it again. This whole scene is straight up porn and is really just here because the last few episodes have under-utilized the boobie budget.

It’s also here so that he can decline Ros’s invite to join them because he’s “saving [himself] for another,” and admit, when Ros calls him out on it, that he is in love with someone. This isn’t news to us, but it’s the first time we’re hearing it from him at any length and his character requires sex to be happening while this story is told or else it’s totally OOC. He tells a story of how he was going to fight a duel for her, but since she was in love with him too, she wouldn’t let the guy kill him. However, she never married this guy because he died before the wedding, so she ended up with his brother instead. I don’t think it matters, but my chart lists a deceased “Brandon Stark” so I guess that’s who we’re talking about.

He goes on to say that he learned from all of this that he’ll never win by playing by other people’s rules and he’s just going to do shit his own way. He’s such a smarmy dude, but I respect this. He’s interesting smarmy.

 

Lor: He’s every bit a whore as everyone in that whore house; he fucks people left and right.

Sweeney: Back in Winterfell, the spared Lady Thief is doing housework or something when Theon comes in to give a speech about how horribly criminals would have been treated where he comes from. She’s never heard of the Iron Islands, which gets Theon butthurt and he continues his stupid power trip by telling her that she needs to address him as lord. She then correctly deduces that if his father is lord of the Iron Islands, he certainly can’t be a lord now. (Also, he’s Lord Stark’s squire now, so there’s that.)

Anywho, she calls him a southerner which offends him, but she’s from north of the wall which makes him a southerner to her. He calls her rude and disrespectful and implies that she can have her chain taken off if she fucks him. Theon, however, is that far more common brand of smarmy (see: all kinds that aren’t Littlefinger) that I cannot respect.

Maester Luwin comes in before anything happens and points out that the lady is their guest. Theon says the he thought she was their prisoner, not their guest. “Not mutually exclusive, in your experience,” Luwin responds and Theon is finally taken down a few notches so he runs off.

Luwin says he won’t be around the next time that happens, but Thief Lady is used to way worse. He asks her why she came here and she says she needed to get south before the long night comes — you know, that screwy season business. We get more vague allusions to the existence of White Walkers, which Luwin and everybody else south of the wall believe to be long gone.

Lor: This scene is the first time we get an extended look at this Wildling. I SQUEE’d pretty hard when I realized I was watching Nymphadora Tonks (Natalia Tena.) Tonks sells “crazy forest person” very well and the physical acting here is top notch.

Sweeney: OH! I didn’t catch that. That’s awesome.

Anyway, talk of White Walkers is our cue for SEGUE MAGIC: The wall. Jon Snow is literally on the wall looking out and Sam is babbling nonsense that Jon Snow doesn’t care about. Sam misses girls. This would be a great time to mention that we could help Jon Snow with his missing girls, but he doesn’t say anything to give me that opening. Rude.

Jon Snow isn’t interested because he sees a horse returning. Said horse is returning without a rider, which is scary business. They both go back down to see what’s going on and Jon immediately realizes that this was his uncle’s horse. Jon is a sad panda. Poor Jon.

Lor: Yay us! I mean, I don’t want him to be sad, but he just makes brooding look so good.

Sweeney: Back in King’s Landing, Renly is running to tell Ned (who is limping around with a cane) that something very bad has happened while they were hunting. Ned limps into Robert’s room, where he’s telling Joffrey that he should have spent more time with him, showing him how to be a man, and that he was never meant to be a father. I can’t argue with that. When Ned enters, he sends a scared-looking Joffrey off.

Ned pulls back Robert’s blanket to show us how severely wounded he is. Robert is slurring his words because he is both drunk and dying. The former is probably a good way to go about the latter. Robert sends everyone out so he can chat with Ned in private.

Robert makes Ned get ink and paper to write a final missive. “You know how it goes, fill in the damn titles,” and his dictation includes a lot of “titles, titles” nonsense. Basically, the paper will say that Ned will rule until his son Joffrey comes of age, but we see Ned write, “a rightful heir” instead. Robert signs it and tells him to give it to the council and adds that they’ll at least say he did this one thing right.

“You’ll rule now. You’ll hate it worse than I did, but you’ll do it well,” he says. He then adds that Ned was right about Daenerys and that the rest of the council is worthless for lacking the balls to stand up to him. Robert tells Ned to stop that if he can and asks him to help make Joffrey better than him. He dodges that by vowing to honor his memory.

Lor: I’M REELING. I mean, I pretty much guessed Robert was going to die in my ongoing quest to guess everyone is going to die. BUT DEATH BY PIG? MID-SEASON 1? Not what I was expecting.

Sweeney: Death for everyone!

Outside, Ned tells a few members of the council that nobody could have saved Robert from himself. Varys asks who gave Robert all the wine. His squire, of course: Lancel Lannister. Womp. STAY ALOFT, MADAM! THERE ARE GAMES AFOOT!

Lor: If I didn’t love you already, quoting Ever After would’ve been the way to truly make that happen.

Sweeney: IT’S MY FAVORITE MOVIE OF EVER. (L: ME TOO! And endlessly quotable.) I almost deleted that line from this post because it would have been sad if you didn’t catch it, but I had faith that you would. LOVE.

Back to the show: Ned tells them to unmake their evil plans for Dany, but it’s too late, says Varys. This segue magics us to Dany and Drogo having a conversation in Dothraki which requires me to read, which is annoying. He’s talking about the earth ending at the sea, but she insists that there are lands beyond. “Not dirt, lands,” he teases. She tries to explain her whole throne thing to him, but he’s not really into it because he prefers horses to chairs (and the one she wants looks super uncomfortable anyway). It’s a cute little scene for them. I feel inappropriate saying it, given how rapey this show made the beginning of their relationship seem, but yes I love them.

Daenerys is walking around in the market with Ser Jorah Mormont, trying to figure out a way to make Drogo understand how important the throne is to her. She says something about it being her right and Jorah’s all “LOL cute. The various men who took the throne, including her ancestors, didn’t take it because it was their right; they took it because they wanted it and they could.” Something like that. Also dragons, adds Daenerys, but Mormont is trying to get her to cool it with the dragon business because he doesn’t really believe in them and doesn’t want her placing her bets there.

He scurries off to fetch his mail. As soon as he’s alone, some random kid gives him greetings from “the spider” and a royal pardon, inviting him to go home. Daenerys stops at some guy who is pushing some magic drink, which he swears will cause her to name her son after him. She speaks English and he’s all, “ZOMG, WESTEROS!” The Handmaiden With the Heart of Gold does the whole business with the titles (L: Not only the “khaleesi” one but also “House Targeryan.”) The salesman runs off to grab a keg for her, free of charge.

Seeing this, Mormont appears from the shadows and demands that the wine be opened and poured for him. Salesman is stalling throughout all this, but he relents. He finally pours it and offers it to Mormont who tells the salesman that he should drink first. He tries to get out of that, but Daenerys orders him to do it. He then tries to flee, but he’s caught pretty easily, being in a place crowded with people who adore Daenerys.

Back at the wall, the recruits are all kneeling while a big speech is being given about how they’re all about to take their oaths. Jon Snow is doing that thing that wins Snark Lady hearts: brooding. (L: Sigh.) Sam tells him he’s allowed to look happy, but Jon broods about how he wants to go find his uncle, who he knows is alive out there.

The speech resumes, with all its talk of how whatever names they have or don’t have are irrelevant now, as are girls (BOO TO THAT. GIRLS FOR JON SNOW!) because now they live their lives for the realm, which sounds boring. Jon Snow requests to take his oath in a fancy way like Uncle Benjen did, and of course Sam volunteers too, because he’s Jon Snow’s lapdog (not to be confused with his badass direwolf who is too busy being a direboss to sit on any laps).

The next part is reading off their various assignments and there is a lot of congratulating going on, up until it is announced that Jon Snow is going to be a steward which pisses him the fuck off because, as he reminds everyone as often as possible, he’s totes better than everyone else. The guy who hates Jon for sticking up for Sam gives him a smug grin, because he’s a douche.

Lor: I hope he dies. I mean, just as long as we’re killing people this episode. Are there boars this far north?

Sweeney: That would be great.

The stewards are the last to be called to their leader, because he’s old as fuck and also blind and needs to be led over to them. Also because nobody cares about the stewards. Jon Snow stomps over and broods his heart out in the back. His specific steward assignment is the last to be called out and and it’s the first time that I realize that the head dude (the one who was doing the reading, who is more important than the smug douche) is probably related to Daenerys’s speaker of English; Lord Commander (Jeor) Mormont requested Jon Snow as his personal steward. Did we know this already? Am I just slow? (Probably.)

Lor: I hadn’t caught on either. It’s cool that we’re secure enough to admit these things.

Sweeney: Jon Snow sasses about how he’s basically going to be the Lord Commander’s butler, and he’s pissy about being taken for a servant. He stomps off but Sam and another guy go after him. The other guy has a tragic story about basically being sexually assaulted by a rich dude and being forced to the wall, so fuck fair. He leaves and Sam points out that while this is a bitch job on the surface, he’s also going to be in the know about every single thing that’s going on, so Jon is probably being groomed for command, and he should calm the fuck down.

 

I imagine that conversation is slightly less loltastic in the books, when they’re both like 13 or whatever younger age Jon Snow is meant to be.

Back in King’s Landing, Renly requests a private word with Ned. Renly says that Cersei won’t give a shit that Robert named him protector of the realm and promises a shit ton of men at his service. They need to hold the king (Joffrey) to hold the realm. Every moment’s delay gives Cersei more time to prepare. Basically, Renly wants to claim the throne and he wants Ned’s help. It’s assumed, I guess, that Renly is already on board the Robert-has-no-rightful-heirs train. It seems like everybody but Ned got there way faster. However, Ned points out that Renly has an older brother, Stannis, but Renly gives zero fucks about the lines of succession.

They didn’t matter when they rebelled against the mad king and shouldn’t matter now. What should matter now is what’s best for the kingdom, and Stannis commands no loyalty and is not a king; Renly insists that he is. Ned points out that Stannis was a beast in battle, and Renly responds: “So was Robert. Do you still think good soldiers make good kings?” Welp. That’s hard to argue with.

Ned, however, refuses to “dishonor Robert’s last hours by shedding blood in his halls and dragging frightened children from their beds.”

Lor: FUCK HONOR, NED.

Sweeney: Back at his desk, he sends someone off with a letter that must be placed in the hands of Stannis himself. Littlefinger enters as he sends the guy off and Ned lays the truth on the line: the king has no heirs and when Robert dies the throne should pass to Stannis. Littlefinger, however, doesn’t think that’s wise.

Littlefinger points out that Stannis can’t take the throne without Ned’s help and that Ned shouldn’t give it. He should let Joffrey take it, marry off his daughter, get rid of Stannis, and be prepared to axe Joffrey and promote Renly if it looks like it might be necessary. Yeah, nothing about this sounds like a plan that Ned could get behind. Ned says it’s treason, but Littlefinger says that’s only the case if they lose.

Ned can’t stand the thought of making peace with enemies like the Lannisters. “We only make peace with our enemies. That’s why it’s called making peace,” Littlefinger responds. I can’t help but like him!

After Ned finishes shooting down everything Littlefinger suggests he do, Littlefinger wants to know why he was called there. Ned was avoiding it because it makes him uncomfortable. Basically, he needs men before he can go in there and proclaim one king while the queen proclaims another. Littlefinger controls the City Watch, and, as such, Ned needs his help. Littlefinger says that in this scenario their loyalty goes to the man who pays them.

Up at the wall, Jon Snow, Sam, and a few other guys head north to a magic tree, where they will take their oaths. The tree is below a creepy walk that looks like a face with its eyes bleeding. FUN.

Lor: It kind of reminds me of Grandma Willow, reimagined of course, to take into account the Blood Budget.

Sweeney: They chant their oath in unison with wind sounds in the background and it’s all good and creepy.

When they are finished they are told that they knelt as boys and may now rise as men of the Knight’s Watch. Of course, Sam can’t rise without Jon’s help. They’re all exchanging bro hugs when Jon’s direwolf waltzes up with something in his mouth. Jon makes him bring it over and it turns out to be a human hand. Ew.

Daenerys and Ser Jorah discuss the likely fate of her attempted murderer. She’s all WTF about King Robert still wanting her dead, which she thinks is ridiculous.

Jorah tells her that Robert will never stop hunting her, because she’s a Targaryen, one who will birth a son with 40,000 riders behind him. Daenerys gets motherly rage because nobody’s taking her son.

Drogo shows up, looking hungry for blood. Subtitles tell me he calls Daenerys the moon of his life and asks if she’s hurt. He tells Jorah that he heard what he did and offers him the gift of any horse he wants for protecting Daenerys. (L:  LAME.) He then gives a rage filled speech about killing the men in the iron suits and raping their women and stuff. The end game on the speech is that he is now totally pissed and willing to cross the sea to take that fucking throne for Daenerys. Or, mostly, kick some murdering bitches off of it for her.

Lor: Well. Robert is almost dead BUT YOU CAN HAVE JOFFREY.

Sweeney: Back in King’s Landing, Ned is called to the throne room by the queen. As he hobbles in, he sees Littlefinger tell him that all’s well and he’s got his men. Varys is also there and adds that unfortunately Renly has fled, so that’s kind of a bummer for this plan. A dude in armor tells Ned that they stand behind him.

As Ned enters the throne room, where Joffrey sits on the throne, someone reads off all of his titles and houses and crap. Joffrey commands the council to make all necessary arrangements for his coronation. Ned says that nobody can question Sir Barristan’s honor and asks him to read his letter from the king. He says it has King Robert’s unbroken seal, and then reads it out.

Cersei asks to see it. She looks at it and laughs a little, “Protecter of the realm. Is this meant to be your shield, Lord Stark? A piece of paper?” Then she rips it up.

Different men are called to do shit and then Ned tells the City Watch dude to take the queen and Joffrey elsewhere. They stand at the ready and Ned adds that he wants no bloodshed. He just wants everyone defending Joffrey to lay their swords down and for Joffrey to GTFO.

Cut to Cersei who looks like she’s holding back laughter, making me want to punch her. The aforementioned secured-by-Littlefinger-we’re-totes-with-you-Ned men start murdering all of Stark’s men. Littlefinger gets behind Ned with a knife to his throat and says, “I did warn you not to trust me.” ROLL CREDITS.

Ned, we warned you about all the trusting too.

Lor: BRB. Crying.

 

Next time on Game of Thrones: Chances are we’ll still be crying as word of Ned’s arrest spreads to family and enemies alike in S01 E08 – The Pointy End.