Happy Halloween Traumateers!
Today we have the last installment of the “Night of the Living Dummy” series plus the winner of the our first ever giveaway, picked by none other than RL Stine himself. More on that at the end of the post, so be sure to read all the way through!
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Lorraine: Remember those other two parts to the book? No? Yeah, that’s okay! The stories don’t really carry over. All you really need to know is that there will be a night with a living dummy, again.
RL starts the book by immediately trying to creep us out by describing creaking stairs and an attic. I’d poo-poo his attempt, but I can’t even front. The minute I hear anything creak at my house, my ears perk up and I’m all, “WTF? GHOST??” It doesn’t even matter if there are, you know, other people in the house.
Sweeney: I know you live in Florida where they demolish anything long before it gets to be as old as Nugs (zing!) but old houses and buildings are the absolute worst for this. Which is why I’m totally moving to Florida with you.
Nugs: Yeah, you totally had to get that in, didn’t you? If you’re not sending me pictures of my own personal traumas you’re bringing up the age shit. I hate you guys SOHARD.
Sara: You think hearing a strange noise in the house is scary? This shit will terrify you:
Lorraine: Anyhow, the creepy stuff only lasts a sentence, though, because that’s not really important. What’s really important are the bratty kids featured in this book, that I just know you are all dying to meet. (Sweeney: punny.)
First up we have Trina, a curly red haired, green eyed chubster. Oh, yes, dear readers. We are told that in addition to be a ginger (shock!) Trina is also “chubby.” (Sara: Ew.)
Nugs: This is the end of the line for you, Trina. Also, your mom is a bitch:
“But mom says not to worry about it. I’ll probably slim down by the time I’m thirteen, next August.”
Lorraine: WELL THANK GOD. Nobody wants a big fatty in their family, AMIRITE?
No, but seriously. Why does RL hate fat people?
Lily: These books seriously lack fatties. *sad face*
Sweeney: Pretty sure it’s a rule at Scholastic. And whatever asshole publishers put the SVH books into print – they pretty much invented that rule, no?
Lorraine: They enforce the rule too. If there are any fat people in kiddy lit who aren’t made fun of, they come after you with false accusations of rape.
Trina’s younger brother’s name is Dan and he’s 10. We’re told that he’s a lot less brave than Trina. Don’t worry about remembering that little fact, though, because the Ghost Writing Collective is going to change their mind about that on the next page. Continuity from page to page is so hard.
Sara: I’m starting to think the ghostwriters got super stoned, then threw a bunch of shit together to see if RL would notice what crap they were writing. Apparently, he did not.
Lorraine: Gosh, Sara. Maybe they were just really preoccupied with coming up with dummy-related puns.
See, the kids’ father used to be a “famous” ventriloquist and he keeps his collection of old dummies up in the attic. That’s right, people. Move over Part 1 and Part 2, with your dumb “two dummies per book” formula. I’ve got an attic full of dummies. AN ATTIC FULL.
Lily: That’s just dumb. I mean, aren’t dummies more fit for a garage? I wouldn’t keep a dummy in the attic.
Nugs: I wouldn’t keep a dummy at all, but oh, right: TRAUMA. NUGS. FEAR.
Lorraine: What was I saying? Oh, yeah. He used to be a ventriloquist and he keeps all his old dummies and works on them for fun. He calls the attic the dummy museum and we get a ton of description about the different positions the dummies sit in. Uh… WTF?
Sweeney: R. L. is clearly describing his own attic. In vivid detail.
Sara: Don’t be silly, girls. He’s obviously got a shitload of chubby kids locked up in his attic. He probably keeps the dummies in the basement or something.
Lorraine: I hope RL invites us to his house one day for a field trip. No? No? No?
Trina and Dan are in the attic and The Negligent Father of the Book comes up there for three reasons:
1.) To scare the shit out of Trina in an excellent show of bad parenting. Seriously, he’s all, “OH DID I SCARE YOU? LOL. HOPE THERAPY ISN’T TOO EXPENSIVE.”
2.) To show off the new dummy he found in the trash. Dad explains that his head is cracked in two, his knuckles are all bloody and bruised, even though he is a wooden doll, and there are pieces of his face missing, but otherwise, he’s totally awesome. His children disagree.
They do, however, find a slip of paper in his pocket with weird words written on them. Then they throw it away and decide to go wash their hands, because they remember the doll was found in a trash can.
JUST KIDDING: Trina reads the words out loud. The dummy winks at her all, “haaaiii girl, haiii!” and then bitch slaps her. Worst girlfriend ever.
Sweeney: The frequency with which the dummies defy the rules of girl world is astonishing.
Lorraine: And 3.) To inform his children that their uncle and cousin will be visiting. The kids groan and complain about their “nerdy” cousin Zane. Nuh-uh. Don’t talk Trina and Dan. Don’t you talk about nerdy.
Lily: It’s always the chubby person making fun of the “nerdy” one.
Lorraine: The kids promise to behave even though their cousin is lame. They also promise not to use the dummies to scare the shit out of Zane.
Since we were just introduced to Slappy and because I’m really good at detecting foreshadowing, I’m just going to guess that the dummies are going to scare the shit out of Zane.
Sweeney: You really are so good at foreshadowing. It’s almost like you’ve read a few of these books and they are all painfully formulaic or something like that.
Lorraine: Cousin Zane arrives and he’s grown up big and beefy. Trina tells us he looks like a blond pitbull. She does this a lot because she also mentions that her brother looks like a mouse and that her uncle looks like a chipmunk.
Hey Trina. Right now? I look like a honey badger.
Lily: I’m trying to imagine a blonde pitbull. But nothing really comes to mind. Maybe Chubsters meant he looks like a golden retriever?
Nugs: Also? It sounds like I would have been all over this “Zane” in high school.
Lorraine: I’m pretty sure we’ve mentioned before how RL loves doing these chapter ending “cliff hangers,” right? This book is FULL of them. Seriously, ELEVEN chapters end with someone screaming in horror.
Anyways, cliff hanger is way too big of a word for what this book gives us. I’d call them curb hangers.
Well, cousin Zane goes upstairs to unpack and CURB HANGER: he screams in horror!
ZOMG WHAT COULD IT BE?
Sweeney: There are just too many jokes. Too. Many. Jokes.
Lorraine: You are thinking too big. A dummy just fell on his head. They kind of shrug it off and keep it moving. Trina and Dan go up to the attic to put back the dummy that landed on their cousin. Zane decides he wants to tag along too because he wants to take pictures of the dummies. Photography is his new thing. He probably does Zumba and drinks lots of pumpkin spice lattes too. Just guessing.
Lily: You forgot he gobbles down pumpkin muffins.
Lorraine: While up there, Zane gets slapped by a dummy that isn’t Slappy. I guess the slapping thing is contagious?
Sara: I wish Slappy would work out a little and start punching people. That would be way more entertaining.
Lorraine: Later that night, Trina is woken up by Zane because he heard voices in the attic. Trina is all, “NO. JUST NO,” and Zane asks if maybe he can have a bowl of cereal to calm him down. (Nugs: Cereal? Really? Not like, tequila?) Trina balks at the request because it is after midnight.
Uh… so?! Cereal is for any time of the day, girl. And I’m pretty sure it fixes a lot of things. Like, I’m pretty sure I’d be a lot happier reading this book if I were doing it with a bowl of Count Chocula.
Sweeney: This child’s disdain for cereal-at-any-time-of-day is Reason #9283 She Deserves The Goosebumps Book Death That Unfortunately Does Not Actually Await Her.
Sara: Word. You don’t diss the Count, bitch.
Lorraine: They get downstairs and see a figure in the dark. They flip on the light switch and CURB HANGER: scream!!
OH MAH GAH, WHAT COULD IT BE? DEFINITELY NOT ANOTHER DUMMY IN THIS BOOK ABOUT DUMMIES!
It’s a dummy. Hmmph. This dummy, Rocky, who we are told looks like a bad ass, is sitting at the table with his face propped up in his hands. Let me tell you how much that would fuh-reak me out. A lot.
Sweeney: Wait, this Rocky?
Lorraine: Not quite, but that would freak me out too.
They go upstairs to yell at Dan for putting the dummy there but Dan is fast asleep. But, what is this CURB HANGER? Rocky has followed them upstairs!
OMG HOW IS THIS HAPPENING? WHAT WILL HAPPEN ON THE VERY NEXT PAGE?
Oh. Their dad is carrying Rocky. They must’ve missed the entire human sticking out of the dummy’s ass. Whoops!
Sara: What the…? How is this…. You know what? Fuck it. There’s no point trying. On with the story.
Nugs: Yup. Right there with ya, only I checked out about three books ago.
Lorraine: We get another 11ty chapters of the dummy showing up randomly until Dan figures out that Zane is the one moving the dummy in order to pay his annoying cousins back. Trina and Dan wait up in the attic one night and catch Zane red handed trying to move the dummies.
Zane confesses and everyone is all, “phew. Now we can stop worrying about these dummies.” But since we haven’t gotten to the part of this book where the dummies are living yet, I’d kindly disagree.
Sweeney: Wait, we seriously had to go through all these chapters (or…like…all these recapped chapters) of THE DUMMIES NOT EVEN BEING ALIVE YET? Seriously?
Lily: Oh, god. I can only imagine what kinds of things these dummies are going to do when they’re alive. I might just check out and start reading a Box Car book.
Sara: I’ll be reading The Art of War. That’s gotta be better than this, right?
Lorraine: WHERE IS EVERYONE GOING? The party is just getting started. 🙁
After a bike ride, the kids come home to find Zane’s room trashed. Later that night, Rocky tries to choke Trina.
Dan is all, “Zane did it!” which totally makes sense that Zane was somehow controlling the dummy, making it choke Trina even though he was no where in the room. I can’t believe that I’m saying that the logical conclusion is living dummies. Whatever. Don’t read curious languages scribbled on pieces of paper, yo.
Sweeney: Welp, there goes all of my continued travels. Time to pack it in and return to the US. To live in Florida.
Lorraine: It’s safer that way, Sweeney. I mean, it could be “a menu” or it could bring Slappy to life. Do you want to risk that?!
The Negligent Parents of the book throw a dinner party for the uncle and Zane. In attendance is a neighbor who Trina helpfully tells us looks like a frog. Great, because I was wondering.
Anyways, Zane runs up stairs to fetch his camera and lo and behold it’s destroyed and Rocky is sitting on top of the ruined film in triumph. One second later the dinner party hears a scream and they run down stairs to find that their dinner has been destroyed and that Slappy and some other dummy named Wilbur are sitting around with glasses of wine in their hands. I’m totally jealous. Don’t be greedy, Slappy. Pass some over here.
Sweeney: Completely unfair. Why is Slappy the only one who gets wine around here? He doesn’t even need it – aside from being a toy and being fictional, he actually gets to torment these horrible children. So yes, Slappy, pass it over.
Lorraine: The kids are in lots of trouble so they decide to camp out in the attic again to see who is moving the dummies this time. And, lo and behold, they catch Slappy trying to carry Rocky out of the room.
Trina is all, “what in the hell?” and Slappy is all, “guess who’s my slave? YOU BITCH.” Slappy explains the rules: if they do what he says, he won’t play any more pranks. This all somehow leads to a physical altercation, in which Slappy has the upper hand and slaps the children. A lot.
Sara: I’m so confused. There are two fairly grown children versus …..a doll. This shouldn’t be that difficult, right?
Lorraine: The kids try to pull his head apart but their dad did too good a job gluing it together. Next they decide to tie him up and take him to the old well that is in back of their house. The whole time Slappy is calling the kids his slaves, making me think he doesn’t really understand what that word means.
Sweeney: You keep on using that word…
Nugs: You killed literature, Scholastic. Prepare to die.
Lorraine: It doesn’t matter anyways because even though they succeed in pushing Slappy in the well, he’s back in the house in time for breakfast the next morning. They do say it is the most important meal of the day, so I can’t even hate on Slappy.
Sara: I’d find a way out of that situation, too, if it meant Count Chocula for breakfast.
Lorraine: That makes it 3/3 in these books where the dummy is taken outside and then shows up mysteriously the next day at the breakfast table. Thank you copy and paste!
The kids are in deep trouble now and Trina finally remembers reading the paper with the strange words. She figures that maybe if she reads them again, it’ll be like the Slappy off button. Yeaaaaaaah. I’m gonna go ahead and guess no.
She doesn’t listen to me and tries it anyways.
Dan reads the words again and is rewarded for his hard work by the other 12 dummies in the attic suddenly springing to life. Dan and Trina are now surrounded by 13 dummies. Worst day ever.
Nugs: OHMYGODOHMGODOHMYGOD. I hate this visual so much.
Lorraine: The dummies however don’t attack the kids, they attack Slappy and then go limp, just as Zane walks in. Zane is convinced he’s caught his cousins planning something nefarious and tattle tales, effectively ruining their lives, as they are now grounded forever.
We get no explanation of why the other dolls attacked Slappy or if Slappy is dead or anything like that. We just sort of figure that this is a good a time as any to end the book.
As he’s leaving, Zane announces that he’d like to be a ventriloquist now, just like his uncle. Negligent Father is so happy about this that he instructs Trina to go pick out a dummy for Zane to have. Trina runs to the attic, gets Slappy and hands it to Zane. Slappy winks as they leave together.
Sara: Sidenote: This is Zane, in the TV episode, practicing how to be a ventriloquist. Trina and Dan’s dad says, “You have to keep your mouth open thiiiiis wide,” and somehow Zane comes up with this face:
Nugs: I take back what I said before about Zane and that high school crap. I’m over it.
Lorraine: Now, I ask you dear readers: how bad does your cousin have to be for you to pawn a demon dummy on him/her? “Oh, you ruined my summer vacation. Here. Have this possessed dummy who is fond of boxing the faces of little children in. I WIN.”
You win, indeed.
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Thank you to everyone who entered our contest, read our Halloween posts, Tweeted, whored and pimped us. We really appreciated it.
We made a list of all the different entries, that is people who commented on the two qualifying posts. Then we added in the likes and follows as additional entries. There were a total of 20 entries.
How did we pick the winner? See for yourself:
Pink Gingham Girl!
The Snark Squad
