Previously: The Ghost of Submissives Past finally got around to being threatening. Ana offered her some tea. No one died.
—
Lorraine: After Ana returned home drunk, confused and perhaps ready to leave Christian, he kind of lost it. Blame it on E.L. James and not me that somehow “losing it” has equated to Grey assuming a submissive position before her. Ana tells us that Grey kneeling at her feet is “more chilling” than that one time some mentally unstable chick broke into her apartment and waved around a gun. We didn’t really need more evidence that homegirl’s priorities are ass fucked, but, there you have it.
Ana blames herself for whatever is happening to Christian right now. She whisper-begs him to talk to her, and he responds submissively, asking what she would like him to say. She starts crying because now Grey is in the same “pathetic” kneeling position Leila was in, except this time it was Ana who DOM STARED him down.
Sweeney: This whole scene just makes negative sense. Not that sense-making is a common theme of this book, but seriously. Seriously, seriously. I don’t get it. I don’t understand how his response to a fight is to become a sub, but more than that I don’t get how any of what is happening even means that. They were fighting and then he kneels and hugs her knees and asks her what she wants him to say. Sorry, it always takes me a bit to remember what I’m reading and get back into the swing of this and remember that nothing makes sense.
Lor: Maybe Grey just got tired of standing and talking! But no, James tells us that he’s insta-changed into a submissive. This to Ana is absolutely disgusting. As you read this next passage, remember that this is the woman who was seriously considering a Dom/sub relationship for an entire, godforsaken book:
“The thought of me dominating anyone is appalling. The thought of dominating Christian is nauseating. It would be me like her- the woman who did this to him. I shudder at the thought, fighting the bile in my throat.”
I still know nothing about BDSM and it isn’t something I can identify with or defend. However, I can say that I think the problem with this book is that it took domination out of a sexual context. It became less about “let’s get our mutual rocks off” and more about, “I’MMA FIND YOU GIRL.” The weird blurring of those lines means that Ana has just compared domination with pedophilia and statutory rape. Now if she means BDSM domination, EL JAMES SAID IT NOT ME. If she means stalker boyfriend, abusive and manipulative domination? Fair. But then, if it’s so disgusting and vom inducing, WHY IS SHE STILL WITH HIM?
Sweeney: YES. THIS. The reason that Mrs. Rape is awful/evil is that she committed statutory rape not the BDSM. This is a point Ana has made, and if that weren’t the case, if the BDSM aspect is why she’s supposed to be so evil, then how can she justify being with Christian Grey who, in turn, “corrupted” her into enjoying that (as we are reminded in each and every chapter when she sends him her weird WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO HIT ME AGAIN? but LOL YOU CAN’T HIT ME! mixed signals.) This bitch. This stupid bitch.
Lor: Anyways, Grey is submitting to Ana and because she can’t even dominate herself or the people in her fucking head, her answer to this situation is to submit right back. She kneels in front of him and thinks, “Wow. Christian is totally having some sort of breakdown. How do I deal with this? I know! I should talk about ME.” And she does for the next three pages. Grey doesn’t respond at all, but she just keeps going on and on.
She says that she’s so afraid Grey will get bored of not hitting her (except every time he’s hit her since he said he wouldn’t hit her) that he’ll leave. Then she will only be another ghost of submissives past because without Christian Grey, Ana is absolutely nothing. She ends her rant by saying she still has no idea what Grey sees in her, and seeing him with his ex who was shortly thereafter admitted to a psychiatric hospital somehow reminded her that she is not good enough for him. HOKAY.
Ana begs Christian to say anything and finally he does; he whisper-says that he was so scared when he saw the GSP with the gun. Grey had no idea what to expect from the GSP but when he saw her looking “contrite,” that’s when he knew he could DOM STARE her into submission. Ana remembers (because she forgot?) that Grey was trying to protect her by getting the gun away from the GSP. She says that it’s clear that Grey also wanted to keep Leila safe, which is worrisome because in Ana-land, not wanting someone to fill themselves up with bullet holes is practically the same thing as LURVE. SO GREY LURVES THE GSP STILL OH NOES.
Sweeney: My favorite SS comments are people who tell us about awkward laughter in public/semi-public spaces. I live for that shit. So, right now, I am working on this post from a Starbucks and I had my own awkward public laughter moment reading this part, because like, WUT?
Lor: It gets better! Then Ana thinks, “but why would he throw me out of the apartment where the crazy lady was trying to kill me?” Grey is all, “you fucking idiot. I wanted you to LEAVE for your SAFETY and you wouldn’t leave even when I said GTFO.” He hisses all this at Ana, so she’s all PHEW! MY TOTES SCARY BOYFRIEND IS BACK! which is a relief. Him not saying anything was scary. Him hissing is much better.
They exchange more when will you realize I love you forever / when will you realize I’m never going to leave you back and forth, and I suppose the answer to both those questions is, “not in this chapter. “
Sweeney: Probably not until the final chapter, to be perfectly honest, since re-asking this question seems to be the actual plot of these books. Like, every now and then she throws in a murdery ex-sub or a skeevy boss, but really the plot is DO YOU LOVE ME? / YES / NO, BUT, DO YOU REALLY LOVE ME? etc.
Lor: Ana says she was worried she’d broken him and it’s the opposite. Ana fixes him. Grey places Ana’s hand over his no-no zone. If you’re new here, it’s not what you think. She has her hands on his penis all the time – I mean his chest.
They go through a whole process where Ana touches his chest, Grey reacts, Ana removes her hand, but then he’s all, “no! touch me again!” She even kisses his no-no zone and that leads to some kissing and more professions of love and never leaving.
Sweeney: Bad Writing Break! I love this bit because when Ana sees Grey getting all anxious and clenched jawed (which is how he is like 90% of the time, so I’m not sure how she knows that anything is up, but it’s whatever) she decides she should probably take her hand away, but he won’t let her. What’s great about this is that she’s all “I make to move my hand.” What? You either move your hand or you don’t, Ana. This isn’t like, “I make to move my car,” which is awkward phrasing, but also logically something that someone can see you are preparing to do and stop you beforehand. Removing your hand from someone’s chest is a pretty straight forward do-or-don’t situation.
Lor: I can imagine that simple movements take lots of preparation for Ana. “Hey Inner Goddess, Subconscious! Are you bitches ready? We’re going to move my hand now! Ready?”
Ana apologizes for making him think she was leaving him. I’m not sure how, “I’m sorry that your thinking led you to believe I was going to do something I wasn’t actually going to do,” really works, but Ana manages it.
Soon after her apology, Ana asks what big secret Grey is hiding that makes him so sure she’ll leave. I really didn’t expect to learn it in this chapter, seeing as how we’re still only 61% through the book and they’ve been dragging this out since the beginning of time.
HERE WE GO GUYS. BIG SECRET TIME:
“I’m a sadist, Ana. I like to whip little brown-haired girls like you because you all look like the crack whore – my birth mother. I’m sure you can guess why.”
YOU GUYS.
YOU. GUYS.
The big, damn secret that they’ve been holding over our heads for this entire time IS THAT CHRISTIAN GREY LIKES TO HIT WOMEN WHO ALL LOOK THE SAME BECAUSE OF CHILDHOOD TRAUMA?
WE PICKED THAT UP ON OUR OWN, EL JAMES. I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU SO MUCH.
Sweeney: I clicked off the book to come comment and express all my, “ARE WE BEING PUNKED? ARE WE STILL BEING PUNKED?” feelings, but this pretty much sums it up. What in the actual fuck.
The best part is that Ana is totally fucking shocked! She’s all, “OMG, SRSLY? DOBBY WAS RIGHT! MASTER IS A DEATH EATER!” Like she hasn’t been here for the last book and a half. But that’s kind of her thing — relearning stuff anew chapter after chapter.
Lor: In case you had any doubt about this book being plot-less.
Ana hears this news and she immediately is all SO I’M TOTALLY NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU THEN, HUH?
Sweeney: Hilarious. In book one, I was much more focused on how much I hated him, but in this one, he seems to have an, “Are you slow?” moment almost once a chapter too. I mean, he still wants her to fuck him, so he doesn’t say it like that, but he’s clearly thinking it. I enjoy it.
Lor: Christian swears he changed after he beat the hell out of her and she left. Ana is all, “well what about when you still spank me,” and he’s all, “I’m talking about the heavy shit, Anastasia. You should see what I can do with a cane or a cat.” Oh. Well, I’m sure that makes her feel totally better.
Ana is finding it hard to believe that Grey doesn’t feel any sadistic feelings toward her. He’s just happy she hasn’t run away.
“Why? Because I might think you’re a sicko for whipping and fucking women who look like your mother? Whatever would give you that impression?” I hiss, lashing out.”
Sweeney: LOLOLOL. I mean, yeah, except that (1) this isn’t news -and- (2) at this point, she’s set aside so much that I’m just not seeing how/why this conversation is even remotely a potential deal breaker. Like all of her other attempts at plot devices, this one completely fails because there is no tension. Obviously this is fine BECAUSE THIS ISN’T NEW INFORMATION.
Lor: Even if EL wanted to bullshit this non-tension tension, she fills her chapters with 87 reminders that Ana would never leave Grey, EVER. NO MATTER WHAT. So Ana’s all, “you are a kind-of-mother-fucker,” BUT IT DOESN’T MATTER. BECAUSE SHE KEEPS TELLING US SHE’LL NEVER LEAVE HIM.
Case in point: Grey waits for Ana’s next move but she just says she’s tired and wants to go to bed. Grey is all, “are you going to give me up,” and Ana finally has to yell, “NEVER GOING TO GIVE YOU UP. NEVER GOING TO LET YOU DOWN.” She wants to know how she can convince him and he says, “marry me.”
Ana starts cracking up and me too!
Sweeney: ME THREE. ME THREE. I AM IN STARBUCKS AT 10:15 AND PEOPLE ARE STARING, BUT I CAN’T HELP IT, BECAUSE LOLFOREVERANDEVER.
Lor: Grey wants to know if she finds his proposal funny. Shee says that they’ve known each other for “three minutes” and also gun-crazyex-drunkeness-mentalbreakdown-I’masadist-MARRYME isn’t the most romantic chain of events. Those would be good points if wed didn’t all already know that these two assholes get married. So, this isn’t a no or a yes. She just needs time to think about it, plus a more romantic proposal would be nice.
Ana mentioned she was hungry so now they argue a bit about eating. Grey offers her cheese and she says “not at this hour.” Then he offers her mac and cheese (hint: see CHEESE) and she’s all YAY! Because sometimes James forgets what she writes five seconds ago. Ana is super excited Grey likes mac and cheese.
“Who would have thought? Christian Grey likes nursery food.“
What? 1.) stop talking about babies. 2.) Nursery food? WTF?
Sweeney: 3) Fuck you. Mac & cheese is delicious and I will not have Ana Steele condescending my food choices.
Lor: Over their baby food, Grey asks Ana where she went after she left the apartment. She went with Ethan to the bar to get her drink on. Grey is mostly upset because she left her cell phone AND HE COULDN’T TRACK IT. (S: This was another awkward-laugh-in-Starbucks. “I couldn’t even track you.” LOL. THE ROMANCE, Y’ALL!) Grey gets a little jealous that Ethan was there so Ana turns the tables and asks what he did with Leila. I would yell some more about how ridiculous this is because obviously nothing happened BUT HEY THIS IS GREY SO SOMETHING INAPPROPRIATE HAPPENED.
“We talked, and I gave her a bath.” His voice is hoarse, and he continues quickly when I make no response. “And I dressed her in some of your clothes. I hope you don’t mind. But she was filthy.”
Hey girl! My crazy ex-girlfriend was dirty, so I used your soap to clean her in your shower! I made sure to get all the hard to reach areas too! And then I was like, “well what can she wear?” So I went through your stuff and picked out something nice for her to wear around. I may have spritzed her with your perfume too and you won’t even notice her hairs in your brush because you’re both brunette like the crack whore! HOPE THAT’S OKAY!
Sweeney: I can’t even muster up that rage on Ana’s behalf because I can’t stop laughing. WHAT ARE WE READING, LOR? WHAT IS THIS?
(A+ gif choice, though. Because I can see into the future — aka the drafts — I know this is your first of 2 consecutive The Hills/Spencer Pratt references. I approve.)
Lor: I totally found this gif while I was searching for the other one and saved it because I thought, “I will definitely need this gif eventually.” Twenty minutes later, I needed it.
Ana wonders if Grey bathing his ex is okay and he’s all, “it’s like taking care of a child!” Thanks, pedobear. That made it better.
Ana finally decides this is not okay and she wants to cry, so she runs off to do that, the chapter is over and I have rickrolled myself because that song is stuck in my head now, probably forever.
Sweeney: In related news: Starbucks is now playing, “Do You Really Want To Hurt Me,” so that is now the song I will have stuck in my head all night.
Lor: Appropriate.
Murmur Count – 5
Whisper Count – 16
Next time on Fifty Shades Darker: Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you in Chapter 15.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
Nicole is the co-captain of Snark Squad and these days she spends most of her time editing podcasts. She spends too much time on Twitter and very occasionally vlogs and blogs. In her day job she's a producer, editor, director, and sometimes host of educational YouTube channels. She loves travel, maps, panda gifs, and semicolons. Writing biographies stresses her out; she crowd sourced this one years ago and has been using a version of it ever since. She would like to thank Twitter for their help.
