Sweet Valley High #014 “Deceptions” – Possible crime.

Previously: Elizabeth was kidnapped but it turned out to be NBD. Then she had a party to celebrate no longer being kidnapped.
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Lorraine: It’s been a while, dear friends, since we visited the great and wonderful world of Sweet Valley. Things have changed a lot around here, but we never forget that this blog was created for the purpose of snarking the terrible books we read as kids.

Despite the fact that months have separated our last SVH recap and this one, we are actually picking up right where we left off. (S: It’s really rude that they don’t anticipate and respect our erratic blogging schedule.) Elizabeth Wakefield is enjoying her It’s Really Cool You Aren’t Kidnapped Anymore Party and a young man named Nicholas Morrow has just arrived. Liz’s twin sister, Jessica, is in lust with Nick, but alas it appears he has fallen in insta-love with Liz. It’s especially hilarious to me, given that Jess and Liz are IDENTICAL TWINS, so really, how would one fall in love AT FIRST SIGHT with one but not the other? But okay book. Okay.

Sara: Maybe Jessica has that murky Ho Suspension glow all around her. It’s like herpes but more visible.

Lor: Entirely likely.

Liz says she’s going to go find Jess for Nicholas and he’s all, “NO. PLEASE. DON’T.” Liz is thrown by his behavior. See, she expected him to be handsome (and he is, because 99% of everyone is good looking, white, and rich in Sweet Valley), she expected him to be intelligent (he is, and she can tell by looking into his eyes. For real.), but she didn’t expect him to be struck dumb by her looks. I should hope not, Liz, because that’s not a thing one decides before meeting someone. “Ah, yes. I expected you to be overwhelmed by my hotness. Carry on.”

Sweeney: Except, of course, the Wakefield twins with their ALL-AMERICAN good looks. I suspect it’s sort of a, “I really thought your deep-eye intellect would make you immune to that side effect of my unbearable hotness,” reaction.

Lor: Mostly, I just really hope someone, just once in my life, compliments my deep-eye intellect.

Everything Liz knows about Nicholas she heard from her sister. “Elizabeth had barely been home an hour after her release from the kidnapper who’d held her captive before Jessica brought up the subject.” Guys, I love my sisters. Truly. But if one day I was coming home from being kidnapped for a couple of days, and one of those bitches busted out with something like, “so, hey, while you were gone, I met the cutest boy,” I would absolutely punch them. Probably in the face.

After reminding us that Nicholas is super rich and that he has a deaf sister (“how awful!”), we then launch into our customary page all about how good-looking and all-American the girls are. I did not at all miss this.

Sara: I’d almost forgotten about their perfect size six asses and their Pacific Ocean colored eyes!

Lor: The writers knew you would, Sara! This page of descriptions is for you.

The Droids, the one band in all of Sweet Valley, are apparently playing in the Wakefield living room. They start playing a slow song, and Nick asks Liz to dance. She wants to dance with her boyfriend Todd Wilkins instead, but doesn’t want to be rude, so they get to dancing. Also, apparently the song is about Liz, and the Droids wrote it to welcome her back. From being kidnapped.

They dance a little more, but Nick starts laying down the flirty lines and Liz politely gets the fuck out of there. She stops by the food table to say hello to Allen and anorexic!Robin. (If you haven’t read the journey of Fat!Robin, consider doing so.) The book is very careful to tell us that Robin is drinking a Diet Coke. (S: PHEW.) Robin is really happy that Liz is back home and they talk about how great The Droids are when Nick creepy motherfuckers his way into the conversation. Liz is all, “wow. I thought I pretty thoroughly ditched you…” and Nick says something about never letting her out of his sight before he drags her off to dance again.

After the dance, Nicholas tries to continue raping Liz’s space and time by insisting that she meet his sister, mostly because he wants to check up on her. This reminds Liz of her own loving and caring brother, Steven, who she casually mentions has been super gloomy lately, on account of his girlfriend having a terminal illness. (S: How awful!)

Liz meets Regina, and she’s a beautiful, skinny, rich white girl, which we are told means she will fit right in.

Sara: But… she’s deaf. Deaf girls in Sweet Valley can’t be on cheerleading, which means they can’t possibly fit in. So close, girl, so close.

Sweeney: Hotness conquers all.

Lor: The doorbell rings and Liz rushes off to answer it, and Nicholas just follows her closely, like a creep. This goes on until Jessica spots them and comes over to steal him away under the guise of introducing him to the rest of her family. When it’s time to introduce Nick to her brother Steven, Jess takes a moment to be super thankful Tricia (Steve’s girlfriend) isn’t there too. See, it isn’t that Jess doesn’t like Tricia, it’s that her dad’s a drunk and her sister does drugs! Jess takes another moment to thank her lucky stars that she’s being spared the embarrassment of being in the presence of a girl from a bad family.

I’ll just take this moment to remind everyone that Tricia is dying of leukemia. Jessica?

Sara: But, like, her dad’s a drunk, Lorraine. That is so grody.

Sweeney: And it might rub off on Jessica! Think of her needs, Lor.

Lor: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Jess manages to get Nicholas to dance with her for a bit, but he’s really not having any of her and soon says he has to take off. He hurries off to say goodbye to Liz, who is waiting for Todd to return with some drinks for them. Nicholas takes this opportunity to tell Liz that he’s falling in love with her, and he has been since about 45 minutes ago when he arrived at the party.

Sara: I guess Nicholas is the kind of guy that is only attracted to girls who hate his guts. This type of guy actually exists, so I can’t hate the ghostwriters too much, I guess.

Lor: Liz laughs and tells him all about her hot boyfriend who happens to enjoy punching people in the face, Todd. She doesn’t say the bit about Todd punching people a lot, but she probably should’ve because Nicholas’s response is basically, “so what? Does that mean you can’t fall in love with me?” He goes on to say that 16 is too young to have a steady boyfriend. He says she’s being prejudiced against him, because apparently he’s not understanding that having a boyfriend pretty much means being prejudiced against dating all other boys. I pretty much can’t even with this dialogue:

“Then why don’t you go out with me? Just once? That’s all I’m asking. Just once!”
“I can’t, Nicholas.”
“You’re not being fair. You don’t even know me, yet you’ve already made a decision. Why?”
Elizabeth hesitated. Then she asked miserably, “What about Todd?”
“What about me?”
Her eyes filled with tears. It didn’t seem fair that she should be held responsible for Nicholas’s happiness.

She ISN’T responsible for this dude’s happiness, but she’s Elizabeth Wakefield, and she’s going to assume responsibility for his happiness. I mean, she’s crying because this is a lot of pressure, and also, this was supposed to be a happy day on account of how she was just kidnapped a few hours ago, but  she couldn’t possibly stand to hurt anyone’s feelings, she agrees to go on a date with Nick. She tells herself that it will just be a friendly thing. Plus, she’ll be totallymostly honest with Todd about the whole thing.

Sweeney: That conversation brought some major league realness to the table. Elizabeth Wakefield may be a perennial doormat, but fuck this Nicholas dude. I want to find his fictional house and fictionally torch it.

Lor: Yep.I’ll bring the dragon. (Or matches.)

At this point Liz notices Jess talking to a tall, lanky kid named Randy, which strikes Liz as strange, because he isn’t a handsome guy, which means Jess would never be caught dead talking to him. Randy is a computer whiz, though, so Liz figures Jess is just trying to flirt some services out of him.

Sara: That Jessica is such a catch. Every single person in Sweet Valley knows what a piece of shit she is, but somehow, she still has friends. And she’d probably get an even better homecoming party if she was kidnapped.

Lor: Nick and Liz finalize details for their date and she is struck with a premonition that this won’t end well. Homegirl, thinking going on a date when you already have a boyfriend won’t end well isn’t a premonition. It’s common sense. Nick leaves and we get treated to Jessica suckering Randy into teaching her about computers.

Liz finds Todd outside sulking. She asks him what’s wrong and he says that he clearly saw Nick following her around all night like a creep, and that she was clearly entertaining him. Liz is all, “but I love you,” and they kiss and things are good again. Liz decides that telling Todd about her date would probably be a bad idea just about then. She is, after all, the smart one in the family.

The It’s Really Cool You Aren’t Kidnapped Anymore Party ends shortly after that. Elizabeth starts cleaning up, and asks her sister for some help, meaning Jessica picks up a crumpled napkin and Liz, who just got home from being kidnapped, does everything else. While Liz is cleaning, Jess tells her that she’s in love with Nicholas Morrow, and that she’s pretty sure he’s in love with her. Liz gives her a passive-aggressive, mutter under the breath in response and then asks why she was talking to Randy Whiz. Jess is using his whiz skills to learn more about computers to impress Nick. Jess keeps babbling about how perfect and handsome he is, so Liz decides she’s going to keep her date with him a secret from her too.

Sweeney: Good, good, keep your date with the giant creep who straight bullied you into a date with him a secret so that nobody will have a lead when you are kidnapped again.

Lor: At least she’ll get a second party!

Some time later, Liz and Jess are on their way to school. Liz is annoyed because Jess won’t stop talking about Nick and she made them late in the morning. Jess’s general attitude toward being late is IDGAF. Liz does give fucks, however, and says as much causing Jessicaca to tell her that that she’s so uptight and what could be wrong with her. I’m dying for her to mention being kidnapped recently, but no. Elizabeth’s real problem is that she can’t stop worrying about her date with Nick. Liz tunes out the rest of what he sister says, but does catch that she’ll be meeting Randy Whiz after school.

We cut to said meeting between Jess and Randy Whiz. She’s laying it on heavy, and nerdy, gross Randy is totally falling for it. “Jess laughed to herself. Randy really was falling for her act. Imagine his thinking she was interested in him! Didn’t Randy know he was a nerd?” Aren’t some people just so unself-aware, Jessica Wakefield? They head to Randy’s house where he starts showing her his floppy disks. That’s not a metaphor for anything sexual. They are actual floppy disks.

Sara: And if it was a euphemism, floppy disks would be code for something very embarrassing, I imagine.

Sweeney: Poor Randy. A tragic name like that and a floppy disc problem?

Lor: Who would date him, am I right?

Later, Jessica is taking clothes out of Liz’s closet. Liz snaps at her, so Jess lays on a guilt trip. Liz quickly doormats and tells Jess to go ahead and take anything she wants from her closet. Jess starts piling on the compliments, and includes one about a great article Liz wrote for the school paper recently about how Nick Morrow’s father donated a computer to Sweet Valley High. A WHOLE COMPUTER. The school plans on using it for a more efficient grading system, and this reminds Jess that she’s failing math. Her bright idea is to ask Randy Whiz if he can hack into the brand new computer and change her grade during their fake-date later that night.

Randy Whiz and Jess head to the Dairi Burger and he’s telling her how wonderful she is, and how quickly she caught onto the computer basics. Jess laughs and flips her hair around while telling Randy that he’s a swell guy. Randy would do anything for Jess, and she asks him if that would include tutoring her in math. He says he’d be happy to, results guaranteed. It’s a study date.

The next day, Liz paces around her room while waiting for a call from Nick. She thinks about how miserable this whole secret date thing is, and how angry Jess would be if she found out and how crushing it would be to her, you know, relationship. Then, when Nick calls and asks if they are still on for their date, she’s all, “YEP!” because she made a promise, and she didn’t want to break it. So, really kids, cheating and lying are bad and stuff, but we wouldn’t want to break our promises. (S: Or hurt the feelings of creepy stalkers!) Nick suggests a restaurant an hour away from Sweet Valley and Liz is all over that suggestion.

And the next day after that, Liz is still freaking out over this damn date so she decides to call zzzzzEnid for some advice. She spills the whole story, emphasizing that she doesn’t even want to go on the Damn Date, but she promised. zzzzzEnid is sympathetic to her plight, and says she totally has to go on the date because she pinky promised, but that she should be upfront and tell Todd about it. Todd is “understanding.” LOL. Yeah, right.

Sara: If your boyfriend is ‘understanding’ about your date with another guy, you should maybe reevaluate your relationship.

Lor: Jessica goes off to her tutoring and even endures an hour of studying math just to get to her real, evil purpose. She sighs really loudly and says a few times how much she just loves computers and how fun they are, until Randy Whiz is all, “wanna run a program?” Jessica grabs the diskette he hands her and powers up the computer like a pro. Randy Whiz compliments her on her switch flipping skillz and says soon, she’ll be as good at computers as he is! Jessica’s all, “a-ha-ha. No way. Because I don’t know how to… what’s that thing again… illegally hack into a network?” Okay, she doesn’t say it quite like that. She says, “plugging into other computers.” Randy Whiz says he knows how to do that, but it’s illegal. Jess flashes him a smile and suddenly he’s willing to go to jail.

Sweeney: I knew I should have gotten braces when I was younger.

Lor: I did, but my teeth are crooked again. Dammit.

Randy hacks into a couple of random businesses and then Jess pretends like she had the greatest idea of hacking into Sweet Valley High’s One Computer. Randy is really reluctant and says “no” 2-3 times. But then Jessica pouts and suddenly criminal charges ain’t no thang. He hacks into the school’s data bank (I guess. This all seems stupid, but it was 1984 and probably no one who was reading this then would’ve noticed anyways.) and brings up Jessica’s math grade. It’s an F. She fake cries about it for a full page before Randy agrees to change her grade to a C-. She hugs him for his efforts but when he asks her out that night for a shake and a movie, Jessica’s all, “yeah. I have to shave my hands.”

Sara: Dude. You at least owe the guy first base after that grade change.

Lor: The twins are at home and Jessica is examining herself in a mirror, as she is wont to do. She sighs and wonders if maybe she’s gotten old and that’s why Nicholas hasn’t asked her out yet. Liz says they are getting older and it’s funny that these books are trying to sell us on any kind of passage of time. Randy Whiz calls the house and Jessica says she can’t go out with him and hangs-up. He calls again, but this time Liz picks up and he starts blurting out that he can’t live with having changed her grade. He tried to hack back into the system and fix it but someone changed the password. He’s decided he’s going to turn himself in and says it would be best if Jessica went with him. Liz hears all this and agrees that she (pretending to be Jessica) would be there to confess.

Elizabeth stomps into Jess’s room and says she knows all about what she convinced Randy to do. Jess is all, “oh that? No big,” even after Liz explains that he could go to jail. Jess doesn’t seem so cavalier when Liz says Randy’s on his way to confess. She tells Jess that she has to go with him. Jess protests but Liz puts on her commanding voice and insists. Jess cries, but agrees to go.

In the principal’s office, Jessica does take responsibility for her part in the grade changing. Sort of? I mean, she pretends that she didn’t know it was a big deal.

“But that’s not a crime…Is it?” she whispered.

“It could be!” Mr. Cooper’s tone sent chills racing up and down her spine.

IT COULD BE A CRIME. IT COULD BE. YOU NEVER KNOW.

Sweeney: I’m beginning to fear that we have it all wrong. Fictional adults are so criminally stupid that maybe negligent parenting is actually the best policy. Can you imagine the kind of damage characters like this could do if they actually tried to teach/raise children?

Lor: I don’t want to imagine that, Sweeney.

Jessica starts crying when Principal Chrome Dome says he might suspend them both for this. Now Liz starts crying because as Sweet Valley’s patron saint, she feels all the feels for all the people. She begs Chrome Dome not to mess up the lives of two young people who made a mistake. She begs and begs until Chrome Dome relents. He says he’s not going to suspend Jess and Randy, all thanks to Liz. Jess’s grade will go back to an F and the schools password has changed. And that’s that. Like, okay, no suspension because you are feeling generous, but how about a detention or twenty? Writing some lines? Volunteering some time? Scrubbing some floors? ANYTHING?

Nope.

On the way home, Jess wails that she’s such a mess, and Liz tells her it’s fine because everyone makes mistakes. But jokes, because Jessica wasn’t talking about being a person-mess, she was talking about her messed up eye-liner.

At school, Liz runs into Enid in the hallways. We’re told that usually these two would have a million things to talk about but they walk together in broody silence before Enid is all, “are you still worried about your date?” Liz admits that she is and wonders if it’s that obvious. Enid: No, not really. The broody silence was totally not a dead giveaway.

It’s finally Saturday, but not time for the Damn Date quite yet, because first Liz is going to go on a date with her boyfriend. Todd is looking fine and he’s super excited because it’s a busy weekend all leading up to the championship game on Monday night against Big Mesa. Liz and Todd watch a bad horror movie and then head to the Dairi Burger. While there, they see Tricia’s drunk and slutty sister come in and make a ruckus before heading out again. Plus, Liz tries to tell Todd about her other date but it doesn’t go well. She tries to ease into the conversation by mentioning how nice Regina Morrow is. Todd’s all, “she sure is, but her brother Nicholas is THE WORST.” Then he complains about Liz bringing him up during their awesome date, so Liz drops the subject. At the end of the night, Todd tells her he probably won’t talk to her the next day because he’ll be out celebrating his mom’s birthday. They kiss and Liz thinks everything will work out in her favor.

Sunday! Damn Date time! Liz gets ready and thankfully Jessica is out with her friend Cara, so Liz is free to get ready. The book tells us all about how Liz wears natural and subtle make-up and her dress is airy and light, and probably made out of the wishes of small children and the happy tears of unicorns. Something like that. Plus, besides the bracelet and watch she puts on, she’s wearing no jewellery except for her lavalier. So… she’s wearing three pieces of jewellery, right? Just checking.

Sara: It’s similar to being completely naked except for pants.

Sweeney: Liz is totally excited about this date except for how much she isn’t. Nicholas is a great guy except for the part where harassing girl’s into dating you is #creepyasshit. I like this game.

Lor: Always tons of fun.

Jessica gets home just as Liz is about to go out, but she just throws on a coat over her fancy dress and quickly lies about going over to Enid’s before rushing out. The restaurant Nick has picked is super fancy and Liz feels pampered from the valet service down to all the people bringing out water and bread to their table. Nick is even wearing an ascot. (S: LOL. Okay.) During dinner, Nick talks about his #richpeopleproblems and how people think he’s stuck up just because he’s super rich and wears ascots and stuff. By dessert time, Liz says Nick is a really nice guy but she’s just not in love with him. He takes it in good stride, considering how creepy he was at the beginning of the story. He thanks her for the chance. All seems to have gone okay, so of course, that is Todd’s cue to appear at this restaurant.

Liz stats to panic when she spots him but quickly comes up with a plan: she’ll just pretend to be Jess! Todd spots her and calls out her name but she’s all, “no, I’m Jess!” Todd doesn’t really buy it, but his family laughs at him, and he just goes with it. On the ride home, Todd is really distressed because he could’ve sworn it was Liz, but would the heavenly angel of goodness really deceive him? Impossible. He decides that once he’s home, he’s going to hop in his car and go straight to the Wakefield house.

Sara: I wish I had a twin so I could do this. Like when I tell all my coworkers I’m on a diet, but then I run into them at the Mexican restaurant down the road. “No, no! I’m not Sara! I’m her twin sister!” I might try it anyway.

Sweeney: I was thinking more for the vast array of social interactions I want to get out of. “Sorry, I have no idea who you are! I’m Nicole’s twin sister! G2G”

Lor: Is it too late to start doing this? I mean… hey guys have I mentioned my twin sister??

Todd gets to the Wakefield’s and Jess opens the front door. He assumes it’s Elizabeth and kisses her. Jess is all, “hubba, hubba!” and Todd is all, “OMGWHATHEFUCK.” He explains that he saw Elizabeth out with Nick and she lied to him. Jessica is pissed. Todd is livid. He punches the house and says it’s over with him and Liz. On his way to his car he also kicks his tires and slams the car door.

Later that night, Liz tries to sneak into her house without alerting Jess to her arrival but no such luck. Jess comes stomping into her room and asks how Liz’s time with Enid was. Liz keeps up the lie, even though she’s sitting there in a silk dress. Jess tells her to give it up because Todd came over and told her everything. Liz explains that Nick begged for a date and she felt she owed him that, but she isn’t in love with him and is never going out with him again. Jess graciously forgives her sister because she’s decided that Nicholas Morrow is too boring for her anyways. At the end of that conversations she’s all, “oh, yeah, by the way, our brother’s girlfriend with the leukemia was just admitted to the ICU. TTFN.” and she goes back to her room.

Liz can’t sleep at all that night. Things don’t get better at school as Todd ignores her the whole day. When she stops by the newspaper room, Mr. Creepy Collins gives her the assignment of covering the big basketball game that night because of course. Liz is reluctant, but she also wants to be a star reporter one day, so she agrees to do it.

At the game, Liz cries a lot as she watches Todd play badly. (S: Probably from embarrassment. A hot girl simply can’t date a shitty athlete.) At halftime, it looks like all hopes of a state championship are gone for Sweet Valley. Nick finds Liz in the crowd and asks what’s going on. Liz explains that Todd figured out that she lied about being Jess and he broke up with her and now his b-ball game is suffering. Nick feels bad for his part in all this so he decides to go talk to Todd.

Nick finds Todd and asks for a chance to explain. See, Liz would never deceived him (except for the part where she did, all throughout this book.) Nick put a lot of pressure on Elizabeth for a date even though she really, really didn’t want to go. She made it clear before, during and after the date that she didn’t love him though. Todd is all, “really?” and Nick’s all, “really.” and that’s pretty much enough for him. He gets back out on the court and all his b-ball game is back! Todd wins the game with a shot right at the buzzer. Liz is really happy about the game but sad because she thinks Todd still hates her.

Jessica wants to go to Cara Walker’s party but Liz isn’t in the mood so she hands over the car keys and says she’ll walk home. She doesn’t get many steps away from the school before Todd finds her and kisses her, signaling that he has indeed forgiven her. They kiss and kiss and decide to go to that party together after all.

At the party, Nick and Todd bro-hug it out and say they are cool. Nick and Liz promise to be friends forever. (S: But seriously, WTF.) All is going well until Cara comes over to say that Mama Wakefield called looking for the twins. Liz and Jess head off to return the call. Liz cries as she hears the news that they need to get to the hospital ASAP. Tricia is in bad shape.

So, probably this means that next time I get around to one of these books, I’ll have to snark cancer and death again.

Damn it.

Cry Count – 6 and 1 fake cry

Next time: Is this really the end for Tricia Martin? Find out in Sweet Valley High #15 – Promises.