Game of Thrones S02 E02 – An ew-face ration.

Previously: Suddenly, everyone had a king and they were all preparing for war.
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The Night Lands

Lorraine: Sweeney basically called me a weather forecaster last post, thanks to my fascination with the opening credits map. I’m okay with that. Today we get King’s Landing, the island of Dragonstone and northwest of there, a new location: Pyke. Three towers rise up at Pyke and I just have to mention that there are some flimsy bridges that seem to connect these towers. Fuck living in Pyke. Winterfell, The Wall, Vaes Dothrak.

Sweeney: You’re a really good weather forecaster! Also, because I already know where that is, yeah, fuck living in Pyke. Also fuck the people who live in Pyke. Something like that.

Lor: We open with Arya taking Yoren’s advice and peeing in private. At first I thought she was looking at the river but we see her pulling up her pants as she walks away, and I’m guessing the tinkle noise I heard was less babbling waters and more, um, urine.

One of the men of her party, one that is dangerous enough to be kept locked up on a wagon, calls out to her. She asks him what he wants and he says, “a man has a thirst.” He means he wants booze, but (1) he’s creepy and (2) talks in the third person, so I think Arya should refuse him on those grounds. A-Man’s cage-mate threatens Arya if she doesn’t get them all beer. A-Man apologizes for his brute companion and introduces himself as “jacken hacken.” Or “jacket hogger.” Or “jack and hack-ah!” Fine, I’ll Google it: Jaqen H’ghar.

Sweeney: I really like that you call him A-Man, though, and that’s probably a name we should stick with. Is it a spoiler to tell you that we’ll be referring to him again in the future? Probably not, because Arya’s off having adventures and shit, and it should be assumed that she’s going to have to introduce us to some new characters.

Lor: Fine. I’ll accept that as a non-spoilery-spoiler. Don’t make it too much of a habit.

The Brute calls Arya a little shit so she starts whacking their cage with a stick. A-Man finds it amusing and generally notes that Arya seems to have more courage than sense.

Sweeney: Which is true. Also, this scene was infinity times better as a second time watcher.

Lor: Gee, thanks.

Gendry happens by and reminds Arya that they are to stay away from those three, scary men. A couple of King’s Landing soldiers (Goldcloaks) ride up and Arya might as well yell, “ME! I’M SUSPICIOUS!” because she freaks out and not at all stealthily hides under some sort of small bridge or path. Gendry gives her a WTF? and she explains that the Goldcloaks are after her.

Sweeney: Not that I’m doubting Gendry’s trustworthiness, but that was a pretty stupid move on Arya’s part because she certainly didn’t know whether or not she could trust him yet. Going back to her lack of sense…

Lor: Yoren staggers over to the Goldcloaks, all rough and tumble like. Goldcloak 1 has a royal warrant but Yoren doesn’t give a crap, because his men all belong to the Night’s Watch now, putting them beyond the reach of any king or queen. Goldcloak 1 makes to pull out his sword, but in double quick time, Yoren has a knife against his leg. “It’s a funny thing, people worry so much about their throat that they forget about what’s down low.” At first, I thought Yoren was threatening to chop his penis off, but apparently he’s threatening to nick an artery. GC1 can either die or go back to King’s Landing empty handed. I should mention that Goldcloak 2 apparently doesn’t have a SAG card and just sits in the background admiring the foliage, and I swear to God, making a duck face.

Sweeney: A+ forever for your observational skills.

Lor: I was really worried that other guy would do something to defend his friend. And when I paused and looked: duckface.

The Goldcloaks have no choice but to leave, but GC1 lets everyone know that they are looking for Gendry and threatens to come back with more men. They ride off and all the rest of the almost-Night’s-Watch-men look at Gendry like, “ooooh, you’s in trouble.”

King’s Landing. Tyrion is walking through the castle still whistling jauntily and this just seems like too much happy for him. He walks into his room to find Shae laughing it up with Varys. Aaaaand there ends the jaunty whistling. Shae says Varys has been keeping her company and Tryion looks for all the world like he wants to punch her in the face. Shae told Varys that she was working in the Lannister’s kitchen and that’s how she met Tyrion. Varys says it’s almost unbelievable. “Strange things do happen,” Tryion says. “You should taste her fish pie.“

Sweeney:

Lor: RIGHT? EWWWW. But also: lol. Shae doesn’t think Lord Varys likes fish pie WINK, and she can tell that sort of thing on account of being a… COOK.

Tyrion: Men like Lord Varys and I can’t let our disadvantages get the best of us. We’ll make a fisherman of him yet.

I can’t even with this whole scene.

Sweeney: I have to save my EWFACE gifs.

Lor: It’s an EWFACE ration.

Lord Varys says that it’s unfortunate that Tyrion’s father, Tywin, didn’t want Shae to be in King’s Landing and pinky promises not to tell a soul. He excuses himself but before he leaves, and now a little removed from Shae, Tyrion gruffly tells Varys that he doesn’t like threats. He threatens to have Varys thrown into the sea if he continues to threaten him. Varys is all, “whatevs. I can swim.” Something like that.

They head off to a Small Council meeting.

Cersei reads the last sentence of Robb Stark’s demands and rips it up. She’s with the Small Council and in front of her is the random, dusty Lannister cousin who was to deliver the demands. Tyrion says what I’m thinking, and remarks how Cersei has “perfected the art of tearing up papers.” (S: +1. I was like, “We need to mention that in the recap. And then he said it. Thanks, Tyrion.) He suggests at least sending back Ned’s bones as a gesture of good faith, but that had the word “good” in it, so clearly Cersei is doing no such thing.

She sends Dusty Lannister back with their “fuck no” reply and also instructs him to tell Jaime that he has not been forgotten. Is it just me, or did everyone else in this scene get instantly shifty and uncomfortable at the mention of Jaime? They are definitely all thinking about the twincest right about now. Also, “incest” is to Game of Thrones as “souls” are to Buffy the Vampire Slayer. To each their own theory and I never want to talk about either again, because it’s kind of exhausting.

Sweeney: +1. Only I’d upgrade “kind of” to “a lot.” Both of those conversations are “a lot” exhausting.

Lor: The last order of business for the Small Council is a raven from Castle Black. Varys informs everyone that lately, the Wildlings have all started to follow the King Beyond the Wall. Cersei read our last recap and is all, “JFC. Another King?” The Raven Mail is from Lord Commander Mormont asking for more men as winter and zombies are coming. He words it very poetically though, so everyone just kind of scoffs.

Tyrion is the only one who takes it seriously. “One trip to the Wall and you come back believing in grumpkins and snarks,” Cersei mocks. I really only quoted it because she said snarks. (S: Is that us?) (Definitely.) Tyrion reminds them all that the Night’s Watch is the only thing that protects them from what is beyond the Wall. Cersei says she trusts in them.

SEGUE MAGIC to some of the Night’s Watch men talking about farting when you die. Sam is present and rather distracted by all the girls walking around. The other Wall-mate, who I’m sure we’ve seen before but I’m not sure we’ve named or nicknamed, says there is nothing like looking at a woman walking away. It’s kind of hilarious because these women are all dressed in thick furs and shapeless leather. Homeboy must have one hell of an imagination. More bro talk about women before Sam wanders off to get more vegetables for dinner.

Sam hears a shriek and sees that Ghost, Jon Snow’s direwolf, has cornered a girl. Sam wags a finger at him and shoos him off. (S: PSH. Ghost just got bored. No way a direboss is being shooed off by Sam of all people.) The shrieking girl is the one we met last episode in Papa Incest’s house. Sam asks if she’s okay and she calls him brave. We can see him melting right before our very eyes.

Jon Snow sits under a tree, sharpening his sword very broodily. I’m not entirely sure how he manages to make sharpening a sword broody but he does. (S: He and Angel attended training sessions for their brooding.) He looks up as Sam approaches with the girl. Her name is Gilly, and though Jon is hesitant to even recognize her presence, she needs their help. She’s pregnant and Sam wants to take her away from the incest farm. Jon says it’s impossible but she begs. If her baby is a boy… She trails off and won’t tell them what happens to boys. Well, they certainly don’t have to worry about incest? That’s probably not a bright side though, and that is sad. Gilly runs off.

Sam says that was cruel, but Jon’s worried what Papa Incest will do if they steal one of his baby/granddaughter/wives.

Tell that to Christian Grey, dude. He’s all over people as property.

Snow apologizes but says they can’t help her. He sits down and picks up his sword and this time he’s FOR REAL brooding. People need to stop putting dangerous, honor shrouded situations in front of Jon Snow.

Sweeney: A fixation on honor/justice/doing-the-right-thing must have been a big part of brooding training.

Lor: Across the Narrow Sea, we pan across Daenerys’s khalasar with a hazy Hungry Cam. It’s pretty much how I see the world about 10 minutes before lunch time. I mean, probably a little less serious, but only a little. (S: Word. Bosses have to know that the 10-15 minutes before lunch, productivity drops to 0%.)  Ser Jorah Mormont hears a horse galloping towards them and draws Daenerys’s attention to it. Strapped to the horse is a saddle bag dripping blood. Jorah investigates and finds the head of one of Dany’s faithful Dothraki, Rakharo. Dany promises vengeance as Rokharo’s wife cries because they killed him without burning the body. Dany will build a funeral pyre for him. Things for Dany right now are bleak, and we didn’t even get a shot of those adorable dragons.

Sweeney: It’s true. This scene, as with many scenes, was mostly just missing dragons. “NEEDS MORE DRAGONS” could be a universal comment on all scenes always.

Lor: From desert to sea. Theon Greyjoy is aboard a ship looking up at Pyke and its ridiculous bridges fondly. In one of the ship’s cabins, a naked lady waits for Theon as he begins to undress and exposit. He seems to believe that everyone will be waiting for him on the docks as he’s kind of a big deal. He says the Iron Islands breed “hard men” because when you are sexpositing, you need plenty of double entendre to keep the scene rolling. He’s kind of rude to this naked lady, and suggests she smile with her mouth closed because the truth is that she has a lot of teeth. Anyways, I’m not really sure what’s important about this scene. Maybe Theon explaining that sometimes Iron Islanders take “salt wives” because they are really big on being rape-y.

Sweeney: The important thing is that we understand what a self-important douche Theon is.

Lor: Got it. That makes more sense.

Segue Magic from that sex to Littlefinger’s whore house where we see, through a small peep hole, a couple having sex. The man who is watching is being fellatioed. I just verbed that and I think that’s wrong, but it’s staying. (S: Snark Squad Stylebook says that all words can be verbed.) We are witnessing the fellatio also through a peep hole and on the other side of that is Littlefinger. He hears a commotion and a man comes out from a room claiming he barely touched some girl, and she started crying. Littlefinger gives him a consolation whore and goes after the crying gal.

It’s Julia Roberts Ros. She’s crying because she keeps thinking about that baby the Goldcloaks came and killed. Littlefinger is very gentle and kind… for like a second. I mean, he’s gentle, but he gently tells her that she’s an investment and a worker and a crying prostitute doesn’t make money. He even vaguely threatens to sell her to a Christian Grey type if she doesn’t get over it. Is that the second time I mentioned Christian Grey? Man, I need a vacation. (S: But you’d spend half of it getting ahead on bloggy things.) (SO TRUE.) He gives her a night to get happy.

Tyrion sits at a table with the commander of the Goldcloaks having wine and dinner. After a little pleasantry, Tryion brings up the baby-killing that happened in Littlefinger’s brothel and it ruffles Wine and Dine (sorry. I don’t have enough material for a better nickname.) Wine and Dine says he was acting under orders, and that’s important Tyrion replies, especially if they are the Queen’s orders. Wine and Dine will neither confirm nor deny this, but Tyrion seems convinced that she’s the only one who would want Now Dead King Robert’s bastards dead. Wine and Dine is doing his best to be diplomatic but Tyrion keeps pushing, denying the existence of his honor and affirming his position firmly in the royal pocket. Wine and Dine gets angry, but Tyrion points out that Bronn just lurk-ppeared out of nowhere to get his threatening smirk on.

Sweeney: He has a great threatening smirk. He should put that on his business cards.

Lor: Excellent idea!

Anydistraction, Tyrion clarifies that Wine and Dine is meant to serve the Hand of the King, but he gave the order that had the last Hand killed. That doesn’t really create a foundation for a warm and fuzzy relationship. At a nod from Tyrion, a group of Goldcloaks enter to escort Wine and Dine to a ship that will take him north to The Wall. Tyrion names Bronn the new commander of the City Watch as Wine and Dine is dragged away. Tyrion and Bronn toast.

Tyrion: If I told you to murder an infant girl, say, still at her mother’s breast, would you do it without question?
Bronn: Without question? No. I’d ask how much.

Tyrion looks pensive. Either he’s trying to figure out how much baby-killing goes for these days. Or maybe he just isn’t a fan of baby-killing. Also, these Goldcloaks sure are fickle.

Sweeney: No, I think their loyalties are pretty clear and both Tyrion and Littlefinger have clarified their loyalties on more than one occasion: they follow the money. The Goldcloaks are an interesting contrast to basically all of the bannermen we see, who are all about their loyalty and honor. Soldiers in King’s Landing are as free of honor as everyone else there.

Lor: Very, very true. Goldcloaks are loyal to money, then.

King’s Road. Gendry gets water from a stream and walks away but we stay with the two boys who were bullying Arya right before she left King’s Landing. Arya is nearby and they get to bro chatting about battles and such. The Hefty Heckler thinks a battle consists of any people with armor on, fighting. WAIT. Arya just called him Hot Pie. YES. I GOOGLED IT. HIS NAME IS HOT PIE. That is way better than my nickname. Arya asks Gendry if armor makes a battle and he says decidedly not. Anyone can buy armor and he knows because he used to sell it. Hot Pie and Mop Head mope away.

Left relatively alone, Arya asks Gendry what the Goldcloaks wanted with him. He claims not to know, though Arya doesn’t believe that and insults him.

I just love her.

Sweeney: I KNOW. And the way she says it is part of what makes it. She just wins at everything ever.

Lor: Anyways, Gendry goes on about how no good has ever come from people asking him questions. See: Jon Aaryn a few weeks before he died and then Ned Stark, a few weeks before he died. Gendry declares asking him questions bad luck and says Arya will probably be dead soon.

And the whole internet says: SHUT YOUR MOUTH GENDRY. YOU SHUT YOUR PRETTY MOUTH.

Sweeney: + infinity.

Lor: That wasn’t as threatening as I wanted to be, but you get the point.

Sweeney: Team Feels definitely needs to work on its threatening game; it’s one of our weak spots.

Lor: Gendry answers a few more of Arya’s questions (his mom worked at a tavern, he doesn’t know his dad) and turns the questions around. Why did Arya think the Goldcloaks were after her? “Did you kill someone or is it just because you are a girl?” Arya vehemently denies being a girl until Gendry challenger her to pee in public.

REMEMBER YOUR LIFE LESSONS GIRL. PEE IN PRIVATE.

Or I guess the more pressing issue is that she has no penis. She tells Gendry that no one can know and he says he won’t tell. I’m struck by a slight parallel with the Tyrion and Varys scene, and the way Varys promised not to tell. I may be making it up.

Since the gig is up, Arya lays it all out. She is Arya of House Stark and Yoren is taking her home to Winterfell. Gendry calls her the daughter of “the traitor” but Arya assures him that Joffrey is actually a lying liar who lies. Gendry is more taken with the fact that Arya is a high born lady.

Adorbs.

Theon arrives on the docks and no one is there to greet him. He pays a man to get him a horse and while he waits, he’s approached by a woman who offers to take him to Pyke. He gets insta-creepy with her and asks if she knows who he is. She does, hence the free ride to Pyke and probably also the not decking him in the face for being a twerp.

We see Theon and Dock Lady riding on horseback along the shore, with Dock Lady at the reins. She asks if he knows his way around a ship at all and if his hands have ever touched a rope. Mentioning his hands is just a way for him to remember that they are there. He gets to groping Dock Lady.

Inside the castle, it isn’t exactly the reception Theon was waiting for. “Stark had you longer than I did,” Papa Greyjoy notes, and that’s kind of sad. Theon wants to get down to business, but Papa Greyjoy wants to talk about clothes first. He wants to know if Theon fought for or bought some elaborate piece that is holding his cloak together. Obviously, he bought it. His father rips it off of him saying he won’t have Theon “dressed as a whore.”

Sweeney: I mostly fall down on the side of “Theon is a douche,” but this scene is rough.

Lor: Papa G says that now Robb’s sent him like a raven, though Theon says the proposal was his idea and that Robb heeds his counsel and views him as a brother. Papa G takes issue with that since Ned Stark killed (or had a hand in killing?) the other Greyjoy boys. Theon hasn’t forgotten this, though. And he hasn’t forgotten that his father was once a king. Now he just looks a little crazy and miserly. That describes a solid 73% of all people we meet in Westeros, though, so there is that.

The proposal: Papa G helps Robb defeat his enemies, Papa G becomes a king again. Theon says he will lead the attack himself.

We hear someone enter the room and it’s Dock Lady. Except PSYCHE! She’s actually Yara Greyjoy, Theon’s sister. And now Theon is in silly clothes AND he has his sister’s vag cooties on his hand. Also, this brings up the whole “is this less gross because they DIDN’T grow up together” thing. AM I TALKING ABOUT INCEST AGAIN? I hate you, show.

Sweeney: YOU FUCKING STOP THAT RIGHT NOW. WE AGREED. DAMNIT, SHOW.

Lor: I DON’T HAVE TIME FOR THIS. (Making Bronn business cards was an acceptable use of time, though.)

Anyways, Theon’s all, “SHE’S A GIRL!” about Yara leading any attacks, but it appears she’s been commanding ships and leading men and um, swashbuckling, while Theon’s been away. Papa G burns Robb’s offer letter and says he’ll pay “the iron price” for his crown. Theon says he won’t stand a chance against the Lannisters, but Papa G wasn’t talking about them. Ruh-roh.

Somewhere on a sea shore, some of Stannis’s men are trying to recruit a pirate for their side. He’ll do it but claims to want to fuck Cersei as part of his price. That’s not really something that can be promised, though, so the pirate settles for the promise of gold and glory. Robb is looking like he’s lucked out on ships, but Stannis has ships. Look at me! I’m practically a war strategist now. Almost. Kind of. Ahem.

Sweeney: When Snark Ladies talk about their war strategies they mean, “I played Risk once.” Maybe “I saw a game of Risk played once.” More likely, “I have heard of the game Risk.”

Lor: And I definitely have heard of it!

I guess I have to mention now that this guy who was recruiting the pirate is Davos Seaworth. His son is really hyped up on their god, the Lord of Light and wants his father to believe too, though apparently he is illiterate and cannot read the holy books. Davos says that if he has to have a god, he’ll declare Stannis his god. Let me know how that works out for you.

Sweeney: In his defense, I’d say the same to his son and his creepy Lord of Light.

Lor: Absolutely.

King’s Landing. Cersei tells Tyrion he had no right to exile Wine and Dine. Tyrion gives her sound advice, telling her she’s losing the people, and it might be hard to rule when everyone watching the show wants her dead. Wait. I mixed that up a little but you get the idea. Lots of people are going to die since WINTER IS COMING FO REAL, the remaining people will hate her, especially since she ordered that baby-killing spree. Cersei doesn’t say anything to that, so Tyrion figures out that it was actually Joffrey who gave the order to have the bastards killed.

Tyrion wants to know if she even knew of Prince Douche’s plans; Cersei thinks it needed to be done.

Cersei: You want to be hand of the king? You want to rule? This is what ruling is: lying on a bed of weeds, ripping them out by the root one by one before they strangle you in your sleep.

Sweeney: I like this moment because we can see Cersei struggling. She realizes that she’s losing her hold on power, and also that her son is fucking crazy, but we’re starting to see what Tyrion mentioned in the last episode, which is that she’ll defend her crazy fucking son to the very last. I still want her dead, but I respect her? Maybe? I am so confused by my feelings about Cersei. The wanting her dead is the clearest of the feelings.

Lor: Tyrion for his part is all, “ye… yeah. That doesn’t sound like ruling at all.” Cersei doesn’t think he takes it seriously. She doesn’t think Jaime does either. She has to be the serious one. She cannot wield power in the conventional sense. She cannot settle things with a sword. She cannot frolic openly with whores. All the Lannisters have had to carve their spaces out in very different ways. Tyrion’s disadvantage is his height. Cersei’s disadvantage is her sex.

Cersei: You’re funny. You’ve always been funny. But none of your jokes will ever match the first one, will they? You remember? Back when you ripped my mother open on your way out of her and she bled to death?
Tyrion: She was my mother too.
Cersei: Now they’re gone. For the sake of you. There’s no bigger joke in the world than that.

Cersei storms off and Tyrion looks like this is the punchline that kills him.

Headey and Dinklage, you guys. More scenes with them, please.

Stannis’s war room. Creepy Red enters with Stannis and Davos delivers the news that they’ve got themselves ships and pirates. Stannis dismisses his men and is left with Creepy Red. Did we ever get a name for her? Like out loud? I’m cheating: Melisandre.

Sweeney: Yeah, I’m not sure I’ll retain that. Sticking with Creepy Red.

Lor: Stannis is freaking out because he doesn’t have enough soldiers to defeat his brother or to take King’s Landing. Creepy Red says he needs to give himself to the Lord of Light, and Stannis is all, “HELLO? Were you not at the big idol-burning bonfire where I brought light with fire??” She says he has to give all of himself and unties her robe. Personally, I think someone is just trying to get laid. (S: I hate her, but promising someone a kingdom is a pretty great strategy.) Stannis objects because he’s married, though his wife is sickly and weak and has never given him a son. Creepy Red promises him a son and that’s something he can get behind. Or on top of. They go at it on top of the war strategy table, and little solider figurines fall to their feet as they fuck. It’s deep, you guys. (lol. Deep. #punny.)

Sweeney: All I could think was, “That looks really painful.” But she probably used her creepy magic to solve that problem. I don’t know.

Lor: Jon Snow sitting in the snow, alone, and laughing. JUST KIDDING. BROODING. He’s so pretty though. He sees a man walking along with a baby in his hands and that’s pretty much Jon Snow bait. He follows the baby’s cries to where it’s been abandoned in the woods. We see the blue-eyed form of what we know to be a Whitewalker grab the baby and go. A man grabs Jon and whacks him over the head.

Sweeney: ROLL SUSPENSEFUL CREDITS!

Next time on Game of Thrones: We find out what happened to Jon, catch up with Renly, revisit Sansa’s epic living nightmare, and find out just how Greyjoy plans to claim a crown with the iron price, on S02E03 – What is Dead May Never Die.