Previously: Coma! Coma! Coma! But it only lasted like two pages. Thankfully, though, when Liz woke up from her coma, she was a total whore (aka Jessica) which provided tons of entertainment. Liz goes after everything with a penis, including Bruce “the Prat” Patman, who we learn keeps warm wine and Dixie cups under the driver seat of his car.
Liz comes to after she hits her head again and all is right with the world, including the fact that during this time, Jess is trying to fool Bill Chase into dating and loving her. It is there that we pick up our story.
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Lorraine: Hi, it’s me again! We aren’t very good at following patterns or rules around here. So, even though it’s technically Sara’s turn to cover SVH, she’s busy with “having a life” and “getting married” and stuff. I have none of those worries, obviously, so I volunteered to take the main recapper role on this one. Nugs will be backing me up.
Nugs: This is my first foray into an SVH review since Sara is off “getting married” because apparently, someone besides the 12-year-old in the apartment next door actually finds her attractive (I don’t have a lot going on). I apologize in advance for not being funny.
Lorraine: Page 1 – Jessica Wakefield seductively whispers “kiss me,” into Bill Chase’s ear.
Has they ever been a first page, first sentence #hosuspension? Maybe I’m just biased because it’s Jessica Wakefield.
Turns out that Jessica and Bill are just rehearsing for the school play though, and sweet, sweet Jess is taking full of advantage of this, and of dopey Bill’s total infatuation. Wait, Jess is manipulating someone while acting like a whore? Wow. It must be a day that ends in “day.”
Jessicaca is only leading Bill on because once upon a time, he rejected her. Keep it classy, JayJay.
Page 3 – Liz starts her obligatory lecture of the book. Keep your breath to cool your porridge, girlfriend.
“Come on, Jess, that’s like the spider telling the fly it’s his fault for getting stuck in the web.”
Deep.
Nugs: Not really.
Lorraine: Page 6 – Oh, haaii B plot. Whatcha doing there? Oh, I see. You are Todd’s never-mentioned-before-long-lost-super-model-looking-ex-girlfriend-who-moved-back-to-town. AKA Patsy WEBber. WEBber.
Anyways, she’s hot and she likes to hug Todd a lot. Liz is pretending that it doesn’t bother her plaid-wearing-ass at all.
Nugs: Are the SVH books written by Scholastic, too?
Oh. “Random House.” I was going to say, she and Kristy Thomas would have a lot to talk about.
Lorraine: If I were stuck in the room where that conversation where happening, I would just pray that the Universe loved me enough to provide me with a sharp object.
LOL. JAYKAY. I’d take a blunt one too.
Page 9 – Plot complication! See DeeDee Gordon likes Bill for real, for real but he’s currently on a Jessicacid trip. Currently they are talking about how good Bill is in the play. Bill doesn’t think he’s doing a good job because Jessica makes him feel like less of a man.
The crowd convinces him that he’s awesome though, and that DeeDee should know because her father is a contrivance hot shot agent. DeeDee manages to flirt her way into surfing lessons before Jessicockblock blows him a kiss while arm in arm with another guy.
Nugs: I totally forgot how much I hated Jessicaca until just now. Thanks, Lor!
Lorraine: I never forget.
Page 16 – Bill is stood up by Jess. Liz feels bad and tries to fix things.
Page 21 – Sobby backstory: Bill is super upset about being stood up by Jess so he goes to the beach because he’s a surfer and that’s what they do. He starts remembering his first love Julianne and blah blah backstory they were both shy surfers and they loved each other very much and never fought except WHOOPS, one time he got jealous.
Julianne was upset and left with friends and they got into a car accident. Julianne died. This… is kind of heavy for a SVH book. I mean, I can make fun of fake-rapes and warm wine just fine, but can you stop flinging all this death at me, book?
Nugs: Yay! A death!
Wait, was that inappropriate? Sorry, I’m getting my book series messed up.
Lorraine: Don’t get me wrong! I’d “whoop” with the best of them if Jessica were being mauled by a youth mauling bear, but I mean? A random? Meh.
Bill is so upset when he finds out Julianne is dead that he goes out to angry!surf and ends up almost drowning. Long recovery time, etc. And lo and behold that Jessica and Elizabeth happen to look JUST LIKE Julianne. I have a theory that Mrs. Wakefield actually gave birth to icosuplets, explaining all the people that happen to look like these twins.
That’s neither here nor there. Bill can’t help but compare Jess and Julianne that’s why he turned her down way back when.
Nugs: Yeah. I just assumed that Bill turned her down because she was a vapid, conniving bitch; not the exact image of his dead girlfriend. I mean, how dare ANYONE not like Chestica for being a manipulative whore!
For shame.
Lorraine: Word. I almost liked Bill.
Page 28 – Bill gives DeeDee surfing lessons. She’s a natural. Jessica cockblocks. Again.
Todd: Your sister is a whore.
Liz: LEAVE MY SISTER ALONE.
Page 33 – WEBber shows up wearing nothing but dental floss and zebra cake wrappers for a bathing suit. Liz says that it doesn’t even look two-penny-whore-ish on her either. Super, super classy.
Page 37 – Liz pouts while WEBber and Todd frolic in the water. Probably in slow motion too. ZzzzzEnid and some other girls show up in time to tell Liz that Todd and WEBber were quite the couple in their day and that they never officially broke up- WEBber just moved away.
Nugs: We all know what that means: #hosuspension WEBber!
Lorraine: Don’t listen to them Liz! FINDERS KEEPERS.
Page 43 – Jessica cockblocks DeeDee. Again.
Todd: I dunno dude. Your sister is kind of a bitch.
Liz: NUH-UH. LEAVE MY SISTER ALONE.
Todd: Whatever. I’m going to go watch play rehearsal now.
Page 49 – Elizabeth finds out that WEBber is doing costumes for the play which means that all that time Todd has been spending watching rehearsal? Yep. She’s been there too. (The below is actual dialogue. Swearsies)
Enid: I’m not your best friend for nothing, remember? I knew you were upset that day at the beach, even though you tried to shrug it off.
Liz: Was I that obvious?Enid: Let’s just put it this way. If an old girlfriend of George’s suddenly popped up looking like a clone of Bo Derek’s I’d be worried too.
WTF IS IT WITH SWEET VALLEY AND BO DEREK?
Page 53 – Todd tells Bill that he fell for Liz because they can talk to each other and she totally would never be going all around school like a mopey loser because she’s jealous of WEBber. Nope. That would never happen. Liz is totes mature.
Nugs: Because that’s totally what high school guys are looking for. Someone to “talk” to.
Lorraine: Page 58 – More characters we don’t care about? Fine. After Jessica cockblocks DeeDee again, she runs into some dude named Roger. I’m guessing this will be significant but it might just be Francine Ghostwriter fucking with our heads.
Page 64 – Jess is having an ignore Bill and make him want to slit his wrists pool party. Liz gets there a little late and when she finally makes it out to the pool, what does she see but Todd, rubbing suntan lotion on WEBber, who also happens to have her top undone. The book doesn’t specify but I’m guess there is “bom chicka wow wow” music playing in the background.
Oh, no. #hosuspension.
I’m sorry, but is it okay for you boyfriend to be rubbing some practically naked ho down with sunblock? Because I’m voting no.
Nugs: Uh, I’m also voting no.
Lorraine: Page 67 – Liz does that crazy thing girls do where they pretend nothing is wrong even though something totally is. Then we get mad if you ask about it too much. Then we get mad if you give up and stop asking about it.
Todd: Why u mad tho?
Liz: WHO’S MAD NOT ME I’M TOTALLY FINE.
Todd: Was it the way I was…
Liz: NOPE.
Todd: rubbing oil all over…
Liz: NOPE.
Todd: Patty’s supple skin…
Liz: WHAT? LOL FOREVER. NO.
Todd: Okay! Bye!
Page72 – Liz runs into Roger who happens to be the janitor in her dad’s building. He janitor-s, he explains, so his family can pay rent. Liz is momentarily reminded that there are bigger problems in the world than skanks in string bikinis.
Nugs: See also: Stacey McGill.
Lorraine: Page 77 – DeeDee’s Hollywood agent dad attends a rehearsal and says he sees someone who has real talent. Jessica is all a flutter.
Page 80 – Bill and DeeDee bond over being children of… of… I can’t even say it… DIVORCED PARENTS.
Page 86 – ZzzzzzEnid is the (boring) voice of reason and tells Liz that she’s being a baby and can’t avoid Todd forever.
Page 87 – Liz goes to find Todd and finds him hugging WEBber and stroking her back. WTF. Worst boyfriend ever. Someone needs to throat punch Throat Punch Todd.
Page 94 – After Jess unceremoniously dumps Bill, he takes DeeDee to go be an amazing surfer after like, two lessons. Whatever, book. Whatever.
DeeDee almost drowns. Well. That’s more realistic, thank you. It’s totally okay though because Bill pulls Dee out of the water than calls a lifeguard or a paramedic. Someone to check her out. LOL. JAYKAY. They start making out and Bill realizes Dee is very special to him. (And super hot. Apparently almost drowning does wonders for a girl’s appearance. Noted.)
Page 106 – Apparently Roger the Janitor’s purpose is to like Lila. They make fun of him like the bitches they are. DeeDee finishes third in her surfing competition.
Page 110 – The play was a success but it turns out that Dee’s dad the contrivance agent, thinks Bill is the star and not Jessica. Hahahahaha. (Nugs: LOL.) Jessica’s way of dealing with this is going over to cockblock DeeDee. Again. Jess tells Bill to meet her at the after party and Dee runs away crying. She finds Roger who is… standing creepily in the shadows? I’m not sure. But they decide to go to the after party together, as two pathetic losers who can’t get the people they want.
Page 123 – Todd puts Liz in some sort of hug-lock and won’t let her go until she hears him out. See, WEBber’s boyfriend in France broke up with her and that’s why he was hugging her and stroking her back that one day. I guess we’re forgetting about the oil rubbing? Yes?
Liz is placated and relieved that Todd still loves her. They make out.
Nugs: You stay classy, San Diego.
Lorraine: Page 130 – Bill tells Jess she has cooties and that DeeDee has had her cooties shots. Or something like that. Basically, Bill dumps Jess and she runs away squealing and pouting like a pansy bitch. To top it off, WEBber is dancing with Tom, her other boy from this book. 0 for 2 Jessica. Thanks for playing along. You lose.
Page 134 – Lila declares Roger is the last boy she’d ever date, ever. This declaration involves a little dry heaving so I think she means it. I’m putting my money on this meaning that in the next book, they mutually rape each other. Yay fun times!
Also, do you all have “Heart Breaker” stuck in your head yet? You ‘member the spanking right? And the pink doyle top? Right.
Nugs: I always do! But the Pat Benatar one, not the Mariah one. I really am super old.
ALSO ALSO- I can’t let this whole post go by without announcing that
TODAY IS LOR’S BIRTHDAY!!!!!!
She was probably praying that we wouldn’t say anything but seriously? Yeah, right. We do have trauma in our name, after all.
So HAPPY BIRTHDAY LOR! We love you and YOU ARE AMAZE.
Next time on Sweet Valley High – Roger and Lila have big surprises in store for them and how much can poor people possibly be made fun of? Find out in #9 – Racing Hearts.
I'm a 30-something south Floridan who loves the beach but cannot swim. Such is my life, full of small contradictions and little trivialities. My main life goals are never to take life too seriously, but to do everything I attempt seriously well. After that, my life goals devolve into things like not wearing pants and eating all of the Zebra Cakes in the world. THE WORLD.
I'm Nugs, the resident In-House Snark Squad Organizational Psychotic, or as Lor, calls it, "Prodigy." I cover the BSC along with Sweeney, Goosebumps, and whatever else I occasionally sneak into. I'm a native New Yorker stuck in LA, so my first language is Brooklynese, with a smattering of colloquial English. I'm a total sci-fi and comic book geek, which the Ladies have fostered by adding to my "impressive" collection of robots and action figures, even though they claim to be afraid of me. Also, if Ryan Gosling ever happens to accidentally stumble upon my posts I will probably be arrested. Oh haaaai.
