Submitted for the approval of the Snarky Society.
Nugs: A few weeks ago I sent out an email threatening politely suggesting to the other Snark 
Ladies that we start covering Are You Afraid of the Dark episodes in our posts. This is partly due to the fact that one of them features my future alimony check Ryan Gosling, and also because that show put the fear of God into me when I was a little kid.
Lor: I’m pretty sure that’s the general consensus of any good 90’s kid. Are You Afraid of the Dark was born (or, uh, transported) (from Canada, nonetheless) during the Nickelodeon heyday. And by “heyday” I mean back before moms and dads realized that Rocko’s Modern Life was full of sexual innuendo and that a boy kept climbing in Clarissa’s window and that Little Pete had a tattoo named Petunia. Oh, and that Nickelodeon spat in the face of kiddie-ing terror, and felt it was totally okay to scar us eternally.
Sweeney: I blame Pete & Pete for every modern day hipster. Myself included.
Nugs: Pete & Pete had Iggy Pop as a guest star, though. So maybe it knew something that we totally did not.
When it was revealed that we were all terrified of this show when we were younger, Lor, who’s basically our resident blog savant, came up with the idea of making this the Snark Squad Sentiment post where we all name the episodes of AYAOTD that seriously fucked us for life.
#itwasLor’sidea (butweallhelped)
Lor: Before we get into sharing our episodes, can I just mention how freakin’ creepy these opening credits are? I mean, you have the creepy music, creepy color wash, a heartbeat sound effect throughout the whole thing and every creepy thing ever invented: an empty row boat and a smoking lake (Nugs: cigarettes kill, yo), squeaking swings in an empty playground, slapping shutters in a thunderstorm, children laughing (shiver), a creaking attic, A MOTHER FUDGIN’ CLOWN. Oh, and, uh, a fan? I’m not sure why the fan is there but all that other shit is creepy.
Nugs: That fucking clown was what did it for me. I hate that thing so much. Also, did you know that this show was on for SEVEN YEARS? Seven years of terrorizing children. I’m not sure I want to be part of a world like this.
Lor: Sometimes I like to play a little game called “heaven or hell,” in which I decide if certain things will be in heaven or hell. For instance: zebra cakes, bacon, a shirtless Ryan Gosling? Heaven. All in heaven. Cheez-Its, traffic, papsmears and clowns? Hell. Definitely hell.
Sweeney: Fuck you, Cheez-Its are delicious.
Lor: You’re obviously going to hell. (JAYKAY.) (Maybe.)
Nugs: I’m a Jew, so uh, I’m not sure? Maybe I’ll just wind up in the Alt-verse from Lost.
Sara: Wait, so hell is basically eating Cheez-Its in traffic while getting a papsmear from a clown? Oh God.
Lor: WORST THING EVER RIGHT? Better say your prayers tonight.
Sweeney: If this mental image starts ruining me for Cheez-Its I will probably cry. And flood your inbox with pictures from your super traumatic episode.
Sara: And also, why is there a fan on in the attic? What a waste of electricity.
Lor: WASTE OF ELECTRICITY? AHHHH! Oh. Sorry. That’s an adult fear.
Nugs: I was thinking that too, actually. We should make an adult AYAOFTD with real “life lessons” like “The Tale of the Attack of the Overflowing Mailbox.”
Sweeney: Adult fears are so boring. Kids are dumb, but mostly I’m jealous. Can we start talking about creepy dolls and pool monsters now?
Lor: Ooooookay.
Since we’re holding off on covering AYAOTD full time on Childhood Trauma we decided to at least compile a list of episodes we found the creepiest. Please feel free to chime in with your picks in the comments.
Plus, we’d feel way better about ourselves if you told us you were afraid of the dark too.
Sweeney: No but seriously. I’m afraid of the dark and I count on you all to make me feel better about myself.
Sara: But seriously, seriously. I dart through my living room when the lights are off, just in case something is lurking in the corner.
Sweeney: BECAUSE YOU SERIOUSLY, SERIOUSLY, SERIOUSLY NEVER KNOW.
• “THE TALE OF THE DOLL MAKER“ (Season 3, Episode 5)
A girl who is distraught over the disappearance of her friend finds a mysterious doll house whose front door matches one she uncovers behind wallpaper in the attic. Through the door, she finds her missing friend who is slowly turning into a china doll.
Nugs: I just did a post on That Ain’t Kosher about how much dolls freak me out. I’ve always known that their realistic faces were only to harbor the souls of the children that they murdered and that’s how we all go to Hell, yo. (Lor: I guess we’re adding dolls to the hell list? Nugs: Totally.)
Think about it. Basically the plot of this episode is about children that turn into dolls. It happens really slowly, too, so they can like, feel it starting and get more and more horrified with every little change.
Sweeney: But mostly just look at that creepy powdery makeup. Ew. That’s on the hell list too. Being chalky and pasty forever.
Sara: Right? Just because you’re a doll doesn’t mean you need to make that mess on your face, girl. You look like you have a nasty case of rosacea now. Don’t you remember when we learned on Full House that less is more? I think someone needs to have a heart-to-heart with Aunt Becky, and I’m not talking about DJ (although she did look totally whorey in that one episode).
Nugs: The makeup in this was pretty terrible and the main kids got out in the end, but it didn’t matter because that was more than enough. No more toys for me- I was done. Goodbye.
Sweeney: I was a paranoid kid to begin with – I didn’t need a damn TV show giving me a list of new terrible things that were probably going to happen to me. The internet would fill that role just fine in a few more years.
Sara: Plus, if I’m going to turn into a doll, it damn well better be Barbie. ….or a Bratz Doll.
Sweeney: Sara, wishing to turn into a Bratz Doll totally warrants a ho suspension.
Nugs: AHAHAHAHA! Sara gets a #hosuspension! That’s what you guys get for calling me old.
Lor: But if Sara wants to be a Bratz doll…
• “THE TALE OF THE DEAD MAN’S FLOAT” (Season 5, Episode 1)
A teenage science nerd named Zeke and his love interest, Clorice, discover an abandoned swimming pool in their high school that was built on top of a graveyard, leaving an angry spirit to take its vengeance on anyone who swims in it.
Lor: Basically, I wasn’t really allowed to watch AYAOTD because my mother said it was the devil. I did, however, manage to sneak in an episode here or there, at night, with the door closed and with the volume no louder than 10. I guess it’s no wonder that I only vaguely remember a few random random details.
A few random details… and this episode. Really, what I remembered about this episode were two basic plot points: pool. monster.
Sweeney: SAME. These two episodes, actually, have that same sort of vague but unshakably haunting place in my memory.
Lor: So basically, geeky kid finds abandoned pool. Once the kids at school all start swimming in it again, a pissed off dead-spirit-thing starts trying to eat them. Geeky kid figures that it would be awesome to splash chemical-y things on this dead-spirit-thing so at least they could see him.
WTF. I don’t want to see that!
I almost drowned once, just like the boy in this story, and have had irrational fears about bodies of water ever since. Thank you, 90’s children show, for showing me that my fears are not actually irrational. You just never know when you pool’s been built over a graveyard. In the end they do defeat the monster with science, which made my nerdy heart happy, but it’s a small consolation in the face of lifelong trauma.
Sweeney: I don’t have any sort of legitimate near-drowning experience to validate this one. I just know that a disproportionate number of my nightmares involve drowning.
But mostly that bit where they toss the red shit on the ghost to make him visible? THAT IMAGE WILL NEVER LEAVE ME. I recall it being a bit redder than that picture. I contend that the picture is wrong and not my memory. The end.
Nugs: The psychos at PETA have nothing on this shit. That red paint scarred me for eternity.
Sara: Honestly, I’d probably be pissed too, if someone built a pool for shrieky, giggling, obnoxious pre-teens above my dead body. I’m #TeamDeadMan on this one.
• “THE TALE OF LAUGHING IN THE DARK” (Season 1, Episode 2)
An arrogant boy named Josh decides to prove to his friend Weegee and his sister Kathy that a fun house isn’t haunted by stealing the nose of the clown dummy who is supposed to haunt the place. He learns that the story isn’t fiction when Zeebo, a petty criminal who, during the 1920s, stole payroll money from the circus and was burned alive in the funhouse where he hid from the authorities before he accidentally started a fire with his cigars, pays him a little visit as he comes to collect his nose.
Nugs: You guys can’t make fun of me for my crippling trepidation for clowns anymore because the AYAOTD team covered it in only the second fucking episode. Zeebo the Clown was some douchebag who worked at the Laughing in the Dark funhouse in the ’20’s and now he’s haunting some jackass kid who stole the rubber clown nose off the statue they erected in his honor. All he wants is his nose back, and I don’t fully understand why this little asshole took it in the first place, but I was too paralyzed with fear to care.
This is how terrified I am of clowns: I couldn’t even laugh at the word “erected” just now. True story.
Lor: I find two things funny about this: 1.) this idiot’s best friend’s name is Weegee? WTF. and b.) I didn’t really see any season 1 or 2 episodes because I was too little. LOL NUGS. YOU ARE OLD. (I realize there were also repeats but saying she’s old is funnier.)
Sweeney: EVERYONE, NUGS REALLY IS SUPER OLD. (It is funny…to us…)
Nugs: AHAHAHAHAHAgofuckyourselves.
#hate
Lor: Also, as I was hunting down episodes in preparation for this post, about 90% of the internet was all, “ZOMIGOD, ZEEBO THE CLOWN.” That’s a true fact.
Sara: I’m starting to realize that these kids were kind of assholes and deserved a lot of what they got. GIVE HIM HIS NOSE BACK, YO.
Nugs: Probably, yeah. Still, this was about a clown that stalked children. I will never be the same again.
Sweeney: A lot of 90’s fictional children were kind of assholes. If we unleashed the youth mauling bears across Traumaland, and trained the YMBs to target asshole/idiot children, none of 90s television or books (I started to type “literature” but LOL at referring to anything we read here as “literature”) would have happened.
• “THE TALE OF THE CRIMSON CLOWN” (Season 3, Episode 12)
A young bratty boy learns a lesson when an evil clown doll comes to life and starts to terrorize him.
Nugs: I actually forgot about this one until I looked up the Dollmaker episode; probably because I repressed it since it more than likely made me cry like a little bitch. Apparently it’s about a clown doll (!!!) that follows a kid home and torments him until he promises to not be such a flaming dickface.
What in the fucking hell? Who writes stuff like this? This is the worst shit I have ever seen. I really wish I weren’t alone right now. I’m going to see this thing in my dreams for the next year and a half.
Seriously, Nickelodeon, was there really that great of a need for two clown shows in less than two years?
Sara: I’m pretty sure if parents could build creepy clown dolls to follow their kids around and convince them to stop being such dickfaces, they would do it in a heartbeat. Actually? I’ll take two, thanks.
Nugs: Guys, did you let me write this post just to torment me? I hate you all. SOSOMUCH.
• “THE TALE OF THE DANGEROUS SOUP” (Season 3, Episode 13)
Dr. Vink is back and now running his own restaurant, The Wild Boar. After staff members continually decide to just quit at the drop of a hat, two employees soon discover why. Dr. Vink makes his famous soup with a special ingredient that he gets from his employees- FEAR. However, the two accidentally release the creature that gathers the fear and give it the ability to prey upon anyone. (Guest starring Neve Campbell)
Sara: When I think of AYAOTD, this episode always comes to mind first. Was it because of my amazing ability to predict the big star Neve Campbell would one day be? Was it because of my preteen love for boys with long, unwashed hair and grungy clothes? Possibly a creepy infatuation with Dr. Vink, who is just as sexy as I remembered him to be? I think the correct answer is, all of the above.
Nugs: I guess “big star” is another term we use loosely around here at Childhood Trauma. Much like “literature” or “continuity.” Or “appropriate” or “legal” (what up, Gosling?)
Sara: Even though this episode has one of the lamest endings, it makes up for it with the cutting edge graphics it provided for its watchers. The AYAOTD design team was WAY ahead of their time, y’all.
Lor: Yeah… I’m totally hate flying… cut out… paper… gargoyle things.
It’s right up there with Cheez-its.
♥
The Snark Squad
